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Chapter Thirty-Four

"Why do you keep apologizing?"

1st of March 2015

“I can’t leave one day without blowing the world up,” She breathed out under her breath, finding the strength to scroll through her messages, leaving them without a reply before shoving it back into the pocket of her bag. She knew it was wrong to keep people waiting, she knew it was wrong to not give an answer when all someone wants to know is their wellbeing but it wasn’t wrong for her to keep things to herself—and it certainly was not wrong to keep her distance just for one day when that’s all she really needs.

Not when she… she knows.

Minseok took a step back and shook his head, “You know what? Just…” Minseok waved a hand as he took another step before he proceeded to walk to his dorm after muttering softly, “Forget it.”

Kai felt his eyes closing on their own, feeling a sudden heavy burden on his shoulders. He used a hand to rub his face, trying to calm himself down but when he heard Minseok’s voice calling him out once more, his eyes shot open, looking up to see Minseok still a distance away but it wasn’t that far because he could hear MInseok’s voice clearly.

“If you’re not going to catch her… don’t make her fall for you – that’s all I’m saying.”

Kai reached up and covered his face for a second before he let it reach up to his hair where he raked past through it agitatedly with a groan, “What the is wrong with people?!”

Although he knows he’s alone, he stared at Minseok’s figure disappearing and his voice somehow grew softer, “I don’t even know,” His eyes closed, his clenched fists releasing as if he had lost all the strength he had—he was beyond lost, “I don’t know…”

She rested her back against the tree trunk behind her, bag on her lap, fingers fiddling with one another. The breeze that brushed against her skin, the soft chirping of birds flying across the bright sky, minor chatters from people passing by had her realizing she wasn’t exactly hidden from the public view. If either one of them were to—“Excuse me, have you seen Hee Young?”

Minseok.

“Dude, I swear, she wasn’t in class today.”

Kai.

And this is where she tries to at least, at the very least tries to break away from the two. She doesn’t know who to face first and her mind couldn’t exactly make a right choice as of now. So rather than waiting in line for the two, rather than picking one from the other or flip a coin and get the odds of receiving one or the other, she had decided to just escape for the day. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, her mind told her, keeping firm that tomorrow she will face them both if she had to or just one if she was lucky enough but just not today.

Let’s not even begin with the old geezer back in the principal’s office—hell no.

As she tugged onto her hoodie, her feet on the ground pacing towards the sidewalk, she swore she was about to flip anything or anyone that had bumped into her way. Her eyes shot up and she saw the shocked filling that person’s eyes so fast, she thought they were going to burst out—definite no. Her hand shot up quicker than his mouth could sputter out Hee Young-! She hissed softly and in the next, she had dragged him into a nearby bush, pulling him down where the two were hidden in the middle and she had released the person’s mouth with a scowl, “Way to expose to the world what may name is.”

Mr. Kang snorted, yet found this amusing, “Hey, it’s not my fault—“ a glare was all it took, “—Okay, okay! Sorry!”

It was uncalled for and certainly he didn’t see it coming but…

“N-No, I’m sorry, I… I was just…”

There was this tone of solemn in her voice; as if each word was so hard for her to say that he was left blinking at her, definitely taking note of the change in her voice as she sat down onto the ground. Though it wasn’t exactly the cleanest place yet, he couldn’t help but do the same, folding his knees up as he gave her a light nudge on one of her kneecaps, “Hey… you alright there?”

She raked a hand through her hair, trembling as she did so but she managed to mumble out softly, eyes avoiding his, “Y-Yeah,” Her arms folded on her knees, resting her chin on top of it then on after, “I’m fine,”

He let out a sigh, shaking his head, “You’re still a terrible liar,”

“Yeah, tell me something I don’t already know,” She muttered under her breath, finding it hard to have ventilate here but she needed time, she wanted to give time for the people she was avoiding to actually leave first before she would pop up out of nowhere—from the bushes—pretty unexpected, if you’d ask me.

“Kai’s looking for you,”

“Except that.”

“I heard from my wife that Minseok is, too.”

“And that.”

The desperate tone in her voice, so dry yet full of humor, it made him smile—someone, regardless whether it was Kai or Minseok, there was someone who cared for her more than he did—and he was grateful for that. He knows someone else who would be more grateful than he would but at this moment, when he could see that the world is on her shoulders, he knows he should at least keep his mouth shut for a day.

“You know… you can’t keep running from them forever…”

He hinted an advice, one that she already knew and received from others but she couldn’t help but find it hard. If she were to face them—who would she face first? And how will she know who she’d confront first, in the first place? Why was something so normal, so complicated for someone like her?

“I know I can’t, but… maybe just for today—“

“And then what? You’d say the same for tomorrow?”

She let out a groan, not too loud but definitely loud enough for him to hear. He chuckled when she glared at him but hey, he was too used to that to actually get intimidated now—especially after he’d just made her laugh.

“What are you trying to say?”

He fished out a coin from his back, as if he was a magician and she was the spectator. The only spectator, that is. He held it up, the gold sparkling coin evident to her eyes and he gave a smirk.

“What, you want to bet with just a coin?”

“No,” He smiled, positioning it on top of his thumb, “If it’s heads, you’re finding Kai. If it’s tails, you’re finding Minseok.”

Even though she wasn’t sure what she’ll do if she finds either one of them, at least this was a head start for her to get a move on. And if she dealt with one of them today, it’ll be one less pain in an to deal with tomorrow. With crossed arms, legs folded down on the ground and her eyes nearly turning into slits, her voice grumbled, “Flip the coin.”

“Hah! Now go find him!”

Great. Just great.

“Well, to be fair, he didn’t say when I should meet him,” Hee Young breathed out, crawling to the back of the bookshelf with a book in her hands, being as silent as she could be as she got comfortable. She rested her bag on her lap and crossed her legs on the carpet, sighing as her back leaned against the wall and her face landed on the metallic color in front of her eyes.

There was a vibrating in her pocket and once more, she had picked her phone out just to see a name flashing on the screen.

‘Where are you?! You’re making me worry!’

With shaking thumbs and an uneasy heart, she typed her reply out and before she knew it, she was already making her way out of the door.

This isn’t going to end well.

It was dark when she entered the room but she was certain that she wasn’t the only one in here. After thirty minutes she had given, after a while of walking around before finally arriving here—she knew it was now or never. She was never going to get it done and over with if she keeps running away from it and as much as she doesn’t want to do it, she has to.

She can’t lie—and she’ll never lie to the one person who trusts her so much.

Maybe it was hard and maybe it just wasn’t meant to be—but that’s how life works.

And this is her trying to set things straight to the ‘t’.

“Y-Yah, are you in here?” She called out uncertainly, suddenly regretting her choice of meeting up here—sticking to the original plan she had blown off for something much worse but then again, she wasn’t too sure if it was as bad as she thinks if she compares that to this.

“I-If you’re not in here, I’m leaving—“

Her voice cut off into a soft gasp, the flickering of the projector coming to life after a few shaky flicks. A soft ‘damn it!’ could be heard and a few knocks on the little machine resting on the stroller. She tried to hold back a laugh, seeing a flustered shadow fixing the machine and with one last hit he gave onto the top of the freaking thing, it finally functioned the right way. The door behind her closed on its own, slow and delicate and then it was just complete darkness with the projector on the screen being the only thing that was shining bright.

The first few pictures were pictures of the scenery—the ones that she took.

And then a commentary came up.

It was Minseok’s voice.

”You seem to take interest in the most fascinating things in life,” A picture of a sky, then the clouds, focusing on the whiteness, puffiness and how delicate it seemed, “And you always focus on the little details that shines out the most,” A photo zoomed into a cup of coffee, the steam evaporating slowly into the air that was captured into a frame, a slot that would forever remain in the memory card, “It doesn’t matter what you take,” A photo of a flower, seemingly delicate as the redness of the petals were glowing with beauty, remarkable to the eye, “Because whatever you take, they turn into a piece of perfection.”

Slowly the screen faded to black and she wasn’t sure if it’s the projector making the noise or the choke in . She found the will to hold it down, her hand gripping onto one of the soft chairs rowed up beside her as she stood in the middle—perfectly in front of the screen to see it all.

The room was illuminated once more, this time, with a picture of her—and him.

They were young and they were full of joy but there was just something about the music and his voice that makes it all bittersweet.

“Do you remember when we were just five years old and I held onto your hand?” A more focused angle on their hands—small and interlocked, tight and filled with trust in between, everything a girl would ever dream off, a girl that young, believing in someone for the first time, “And you told me your name…?”

It was soft but her reply was certain, “Y-Yes…”

There was a smile in his voice and that’s when she knew it wasn’t the projector or the sound system making his voice echo in the vast auditorium—he was speaking as of now.

“And that time when you fell down because some guy pushed you down, blood trickling from your knees since you had them scraped—you had no idea how fussy I was when you brushed it off just like that,” A picture of her bandaged knees appeared on the screen and how he sat beside her through it all when she couldn’t play on the swing. Yet, she was stubborn, a total metal brain that stood firm on needing to play the damn swing. “You were so persistent even as a child—and I guess that’s one of the things I fell in love with,” A picture of a girl on the swing, blue dress and tied up hair into a ponytail—messy, but it got all her hair out of the way. Then a small lad behind her, pushing her on the swing and this time, a video started to play.

A soft chuckle escaped the mouth of the little girl and the boy behind her laughed along. It was too nostalgic watching this over again—reliving the memories of when they were a child. Of hopelessly promising one another that one wouldn’t leave unless it was with the other, of telling each other promises and secrets, of never leaving one another’s side.

Why was the guilt washing over her? Why was everything so hard to watch?

Why did it get so hard to breathe?

“And I know that it’s impossible, because it even feels impossible and I somehow know the answer already,” A picture of herself came up, of when she was nine and she attended her first dancing competition, to when she finally rode a bicycle, to when she got her first dentist checkup, to when she reached high school, to when she failed her first History test, to when she actually said the word , to when she cursed and tossed a bunch of eggs at the car of a teacher she despised so much since she got into detention, to when she said she’ll never come back to high school ever again even if they had a reunion because hell no, to when she lied down on the grass—looking effortlessly beautiful and God be damned for losing an angel like her, to when she got back into her passion once more—to when she stole his heart from the beginning of it all.

Something rolled down from her cheeks and she felt more horrible of herself because she knows.

This wasn’t it.

No matter how much she can cry over this, no matter how many times she’s held onto his hand, no matter how many I love you, I promise he’s ever muttered in his sleep, when he’s drunk, when he’s sober—Minseok wasn’t her happily ever after.

Minseok didn’t make her heart race—Minseok didn’t make her feel that jittery feeling in her heart, the one that would make her chest feel like it’s going to explode from the immense feelings combusting from within—Minseok wasn’t the one.

So when he held onto her hand, standing before her with a hand framing her cheek for the first yet last time ever, she could only mutter a soft apology, a shaky sigh leaving her lips as she dare not look at her best friend she just broke—she could never look at him the same way he looks at her.

Although she looks away from him like he’s not the one, he looks at her like she means the world to him.

Regardless of how she looks away, of how her hands are shaking in his, on how she can’t even try to respond the way he wants her to—the way he’s been dreaming for her to, she was worth breaking for—and the point still stands firm.

“Why are you crying?” He breathed out softly, the smile in his voice made it harder for her to listen to his voice, her eyes peeling open to meet his finally. She pressed her lips together, feeling her tears dry up and her hands that remained in his once he brushed her tears away. He smiles at her like he’s fine, he smiles at her like nothing is wrong, he smiles at her like she hadn’t just break his heart.

“You look ugly when you cry,” He laughs, resonating the room with a mellow yet deep pain that contained within as he looked at her. Although the tears dried up, she shook her head with her eyes staring right into his eyes—this wasn’t it no matter how much she wants it to be. She wanted to be happy with Minseok, she wanted to promise him the same things he promised her, she didn’t want to break MInseok.

But she couldn’t go on any longer pretending like she could, she wasn’t his happily ever after—and she knows that.

What hurts more is that he knows it too.

“I…I’m sorry, Minseok.” She rasped, voice cracking, sincerity seeping through that was laced with an apologetic tone that had tried to mend the cuts in his heart—but it wasn’t that simple.

He smiled once more, an arousing tinge of pain that lapsed over his pleasure, “I know you are,”

She tried to hold back the frown, the furrow of her eyebrows, the need to cry once more because she knows what an awful sin she has just commit though it’s not her fault if she doesn’t return the feeling of others, but the thought of it being Minseok’s feelings… she felt horrible. She wasn’t the kind to latch onto others, she wasn’t the kind to stick by someone after so long, she wasn’t the kind to show her emotions—but she wasn’t the kind to ever break someone so close to her.

“I’m sorry,” She breathed out once more, quieter this time, hands loosening in his, growing colder as they spoke but it wasn’t all that was focused as of now.

He shook his head with a small frown, his hands squeezing hers, “Why do you keep apologizing?” He then let out a shy laugh, one that kept cracking his and her heart further, “I… I already knew that someone else stole what’s the most precious to you,”

She tried to tell him otherwise, trying to get him to listen, “N-No, Minseok—it’s not what you—“

“It’s bound to happen… just… maybe not now.”

“Minseok—“

“And I know… this may sound really crazy and I’ve already stepped my boundaries but…” Minseok’s voice came out soft and she could already hear the crack in his voice. If there was any favor he wanted, any request—she’d do it in a heartbeat. She noticed how his hands tensed up in hers, his grip tightening and his jaw seemed to fix together and he couldn’t get the words out of his mouth.

“But…?”

“For once, can you…no.” He shook his head, “Can I…”

She knew she was breaking him, and she may have broken him… but she couldn’t lead him on any further than she obliviously has—it had to stop or else it wouldn’t. She honestly had no idea he would pull this off but from the moment she stepped in, she knew she was in for it.

She had a few hints here and there but she thought ignoring them would solve them.

Obviously… she was wrong.

She saw how he tried to speak, how he tried to ask for just one last request from her but he couldn’t do it.

She already knew what it was, so she didn’t hesitate to do so.

“Can…-“

“Place your hands on my waist, Minseok.”

He bit his lower lip but his hands slowly slipped away from hers, lingering by her sides as he stared into her eyes. She used her eyes to point by her sides and he still didn’t know if he could do it. The two of them stared at one another for a good five seconds before she aided him to plant his hands on her sides. He gaped upon having this feeling of being able to hold onto her – to have her so close, sharing this intimate moment; it made his heart race.

“Now,” She breathed out, reaching up to place her hands on his shoulders to ease the tension lingering in the air. She gazed up to his eyes and saw how he stared at her with worry; he knew he was crossing the line long ago—so why not go all the way?

“Lean down and kiss me.”

He blinked at her and his eyes grew wide as her request stunned him; yet, he knew that she already read his mind on what his initial question would be. He wanted to kiss her and he had to get permission to do so. Here, she was, giving him the permission to do so but he felt bad for forcing her to do so. Yet, he didn’t know that she wasn’t feeling forced – she felt guilty.

She felt guilty for breaking the heart of the closest best friend she’s ever got and this is the only thing she could do for him in return.

“Minseok, if you don’t kiss me, you’re going to regret this-“

He didn’t hesitate on moving his hands up, framing her cheeks in his hands delicately before he slammed his lips on hers. He felt her remaining stagnant, her eyes growing wide at the sudden aggression and force he possessed but she felt him trembling as his lips were on hers.

It was the first…

...and last kiss.

A smile sent her way before he picked up her bag, handing it to her, I’ll see you.

M-Minseok…, she whispered, uncertain of what happens now.

I have to stay back and clean up these things but I’ll see you for dinner? He asked, a repetitive smile on his face despite everything, the worldwide turn that had just happened in this room. She seemed to have stuttered, muttering a soft ‘what’ before her eyes blinked at him twice. He huffed at her, as if everything was fine. Ah, now you don’t want to eat with me?

She her lips nervously and clutched onto her bag, n-no! M-Minseok—

Then I’ll see you later! Now out, out! I have things to do, and once he gently yet quickly got her out of the door, he closed it, silently locking it before he was left alone in the dark room he wanted to shadow himself in for just a moment. He wasn’t sure how long he needed… but he needed this.

His heart shattered to pieces, just like the tears that fell to the carpeted floors beneath him. He fell, just like the droplets of emotions trickling from his face. He punched the ground like it was his heart, numbing his senses and his nerves, muting his cry as he buried himself to the floor with his face in his hands, heart on the floor, in pieces just like his mind. He had prepared himself for this day to come but he didn’t know it would hurt this much. He didn’t know putting himself out on the ledge for someone was so hard but for her, it seems so easy to do so. Even when he knows he’s about to get rejected, it didn’t stop him for fighting for the one person in his life to ever steal his heart for years. He clutched onto the material of his shirt above his heart, trying to halt himself from crying but it was too hard—too painful to actually stop. A person held him in, aiding him in stopping everything but it wasn’t working. Junmyeon clenched his eyes shut, bracing himself for the heartbreaking downfall that was about to come sooner or later because he knew.

Today was the day Minseok broke himself.