Nodus Tollens: 

n. the realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore—that although you thought you were following the arc of the story, you keep finding yourself immersed in passages you don’t understand, that don’t even seem to belong in the same genre—which requires you to go back and reread the chapters you had originally skimmed to get to the good parts, only to learn that all along you were supposed to choose your own adventure.

Chapter four – The Sun

Cue Rainy mood (Keep at a Low volume) 

   What does it mean to live in the constant rain?

   “You know how if you lay your hand beneath water for a long time, and your skin gets all wrinkly?” Tiffany asked as they took a little walk around Taeyeon’s block. Nobody was ever outside, but everything was wet and Taeyeon didn’t know what the world would smell like after rain. She could only wonder.

    “Yeah,” Taeyeon nodded, “I know.”

Tiffany stopped to look at her before getting her legs to move again as her hair caught the rain. “Do you think our souls are like that too?” Tiffany paused, “From the constant pouring rain?”

Taeyeon could only wonder again.

She gave the answer she always seemed to give Tiffany, “I don’t know.” She said, “Maybe.” Taeyeon kept her eyes in front of her giving a small shrug, watching her feet move a step at a time.

    “I think so.” Tiffany replied after a while, “I think deep down. The constant rain has secretly been taking a toll on us.”

    “On who?” Taeyeon asked. Holding the umbrella up for the two of them as they passed an abandoned jungle gym. Grass grew beneath the rusted swing set and weeds wrapped around the poles of the slide. The roof that covered it was weathered away by none other than—the rain. Taeyeon thought it was useless, to waste time on something that would eventually disappear.

    “Us. All of us. Everyone.” Taeyeon got the point, and she couldn’t say she disagreed because the rain weathered everyone down. She could feel it happening right now. She was tired. Not much of anything left to weather away. At least she thought so.

    “Oh…” Taeyeon whispered. Her eye catching a colorful house with a wraparound porch. “Tiffany,” they both ended up stopping in their tracks after Taeyeon nudged the younger girl a bit, quite suddenly. “Who lives there?” Taeyeon’s finger pointed outwards, towards the house she seemed so emotionally drawn to.

Tiffany pursed her lips before squinting her eyes a bit. “A Choi Sooyoung.” Taeyeon held back a chuckle.

    “A Choi Sooyoung? What is she, a species of her own?” It was humorous to Taeyeon that Tiffany could ever think that way about anyone else but herself.

   “No…” Tiffany shook her head, “She has a bit of a crooked personality. She’s into vibrant colors and she likes flowers.”

    “Flowers.” Taeyeon stated a bit satisfied with Tiffany’s know-it-all personality at the moment.

    “Flowers.” Tiffany repeated.

Taeyeon let her mind wander off again as she continued to walk, with Tiffany mimicking her leg movements, never leaving her side.

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   Taeyeon’s arm brushed with Tiffany’s every now and then. Sharing a small umbrella would allow that to happen. Even if they wore long sleeved shirts and big bulky jackets Taeyeon swore she could feel the warmth radiating through.

    Wrinkly souls.

Taeyeon pictured her insides looking mushy and dark and she thought maybe at the center there was a ball of soft light. That it was there and it was how her soul would look like. That it was flickering with her constant change of emotions, changing colors with her mood and becoming wrinkly because of the rain.

She looked down at her hands and rubbed her pointer finger against her thumb. Her skin was smooth but the pads of her fingers were bumpy from her fingerprints. Taeyeon tried to remember the last time she sat in the bathtub for too long, getting scared that her skin would never turn back to normal. Although eventually it always did. With a little bit of dry air, it always did. And then she wondered if that’s all it took for her soul to get better too. All she needed was some soft and warm air. And then mind clicked; like the sun. She suddenly thought.

    “Taeyeon do you live alone like I do?” Taeyeon silently nodded.

    “Yeah.” She said, “I do.”

    “And why is that?” They crossed over a bridge, Taeyeon saw the rain smacking down meeting the soft clear lake water. It was really pretty sight, she thought. She couldn’t tell if it was raining from the skies or raining from the ground.

    “My parents live somewhere else far away.” Taeyeon whispered, “You’ve heard of the world where the skies are clear and blue and the sun shines right? Where it hardly ever rains…?”

Tiffany smiled, “Of course I do!” The girl said, “I’ve read about it in books and, and it looks so awesome.” Taeyeon smiled at Tiffany’s enthusiasm. If she ever had it in her maybe she’d be excited too.

    “One day, I want to go there.”

Taeyeon wanted that too, “Well they live there. But someone told me they’d never come back. I mean who would want to. Right?” Taeyeon paused. “Who would want to come back to a world like this? A world that’s constantly cold and it never stops raining.”

Tiffany stayed silent for a while. Pondering on her thoughts.

    “But this is what we know...” She whispered, “A world of rain and cloudy skies. A world of snowy ice, and sticky humidity.” She paused, biting down on her lip, “I think we’d be lost without the rain.” Tiffany said, “I think we’d be even more damaged without it. Even if it does wear us down.” Taeyeon never thought about it like that, “But I do also think… we all need a little sun to heal.” Tiffany smiled at her and Taeyeon felt her arm brush with hers again…

“To heal our wrinkled hearts.”

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   It was getting harder to see with each step they took. The rain came down harder and Taeyeon asked herself how they got this far away from her house. Time seemed to be lost when she was with Tiffany.

    “Tiffany, I think we should head back now. It’s going to start—”

Rainy mood (Keep at a HIGH volume) 

   Taeyeon frowned as the rain bit down on them harder than ever. She might as well had thrown the umbrella away, it wasn’t protecting them much anymore.

    “Dammit.” She hissed under her breath, for some reason she felt responsible for Tiffany. She felt the need to keep her safe. Taeyeon felt a warm numbing sensation spread throughout her skin as she grabbed a hold of Tiffany’s hand. It shook her up and she didn’t know why. “C’mon.” She said, looking back seeing Tiffany’s flushed face. Her nose a bit red and eyes a bit hazy. It just made her heart flutter a bit.

    “Let’s go.”

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   They ran for what seemed forever. Soaked and cold Taeyeon spotted an empty bus-stop just a few yards away. She bit down hard on her lip to keep her legs moving. She suddenly had the urge to just stop and let the rain wash her away.

    “We’re gonna have to wait here till the rain comes down a little softer.” Taeyeon said, wiping her brow of water and sweat. “Sorry.”

    “Sorry for what?” Tiffany was wearing a smile, and odd one that made Taeyeon’s cheeks a bit warm.

    “I don’t know.” There wasn’t a bench they could sit on, it was just a small green plastic roof and dirty concrete floor beneath them. So Taeyeon sat in the corner, leaning her head against the old plastic.

She shut her eyes. “It’s weird you know?” Taeyeon peeked out through her eye lids hearing Tiffany’s voice. She was taking up the other corner which wasn’t even three feet away from her. “That we can get caught in the heavy rain like this. And still have almost nothing to talk about.” Tiffany said, “It’s weird.”

Taeyeon thought the opposite, she thought it was weird how they connected like something chemical. How they were able to get caught in the rain and sit under a bus-stop with nothing to talk about and still be so comfortable with each other.

    “Well, what do you want to talk about then?” Taeyeon shut her eyes again. Humming a soft tune under her breath.

    “My watch is water proof.” Tiffany suddenly said. “And I’m really good at math. I like the color pink, and I sometimes sleep with a light on.” Taeyeon could only blink her eyes. “I used to hate taking showers, I think there are still good people in the world and I believe one day. The rain will stop.”

Taeyeon thought of all the possible things she could say to Tiffany in this moment but nothing seemed to come up on par. Tiffany was in a league of her own when it came to words.

And then it clicked.

    “I don’t really like people, much.” Taeyeon ruffled the water from her hair nervously, “I can’t really look anybody in the eye. I like photography. But I also really like arts you know? Painting, dancing, singing.” She said, “I at swimming, I’m afraid to drown one day and I think I’ll die alone.”

She stole a glance at Tiffany whom was just staring straight ahead. What world was she in? Taeyeon wondered. And how could she get there?

    “If we still know each other when you’re dying.” Tiffany brought her knees up to her chest, resting her forehead against them. “You won’t die alone.” She sighed, taking a deep breath in and letting a deep breath out. “I’m not good at keeping promises, but that, I swear to you.” Tiffany paused leaning back “Cross my heart.” She dragged her finger over her chest, “Hope to die.”

Taeyeon felt full. Like she had her fill of something she couldn’t put her finger on. It felt nice. Tiffany’s words were comforting. Tiffany was like something people used to describe the sun to Taeyeon. All the words jumbled up into one tiny human-being that was sitting across from her.

Minutes passed them by and soon an hour. Yet no one made a move nor sound. Time was still for them both as the rain was constant. Thunder suddenly roared across the sky, shaking everything up. Leaving a tingly sensation on their skins as Tiffany crawled her way over to Taeyeon. Shaking. Taeyeon was surprised, her heart jumped from her chest not when the thunder rang but when Tiffany scooted closer and closer to her.

    “What’s wrong?” Taeyeon breathed out, watching Tiffany shut her eyes and keep silent. “Is it the thunder?” Taeyeon had a feeling it was. “How could you be scared of the thunder after hearing it so much?” Taeyeon asked. Tiffany just shook her head a bit shivering and whispered—“How could you be scared of falling if the ground has always been beneath you.” Taeyeon’s breath shuddered as it slipped through her parted lips. The small clouds kept appearing then disappearing with her constant heavy breathing. Tiffany was so close, Taeyeon could almost taste the dried rain on her skin.

    “Taeyeon?” she blinked holding back a swallow. The rain pelted down and the sound of it hitting the plastic top rang in their ears. But Tiffany’s voice was crystal clear. Tiffany was giving off so much warmth, under this bus-stop Taeyeon almost felt like she was home.

    “Yeah.” She furrowed her eyebrows seeing Tiffany’s forehead crease as she came into a deep frown. A very, very deep frown. Tiffany seemed conflicted and Taeyeon didn’t like it. “What is it?” Taeyeon pegged on after a while seeing Tiffany pursing her lips and frowning. The silence was nearly killing her.

    “Nothing.” Tiffany shook her head as Taeyeon began to feel warm.

    Maybe she’s my sun.

    “It’s nothing.”

And just like that, the rain suddenly went back to a drizzle.

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