C h a p t e r  4

A painful moan sounded quietly through the room and the body beside him moved a little. Eunhyuk let out a hum that was just as silent as he felt a hand tightly the shirt he wore, near his waist. He had his head resting against the other's, caressed the back of it with tender fingers and tried to ignore the occasional jerking of Donghae's body. His eyes were glued to the window on the side and to the raindrops that ran down on the glass in the dim light of the bedside lamp.

Right after the ending of practice he had stormed into Donghae's room to find him sleeping while tossing and turning, Siwon sitting beside him.          
"I think he's running a fever", Siwon had said and had told him that Donghae had thrown up a couple of times before passing out. He had also said that the shaking of his body had stopped, but instead the jerking had gotten stronger. Siwon had to undertake that he would keep watching him so Eunhyuk had been able to take a quick shower; after that he had left them alone and Eunhyuk had slipped underneath the covers right next to Donghae. It had only been a matter of a few minutes before the younger had clung to him like a drowning man to a piece of wood.

Soft whimpers broke through the tapping of rain against the windows and Eunhyuk let his fingers tenderly over the hand his shirt until it lost some of its tension. He kept holding on to it, glad about being able to be close to him again.

"Sssh… It's okay", he whispered lowly and watched the frown on Donghae's sweaty forehead getting weaker a bit. He slowly reached his hand out to grab a damp cloth from the bedside table and started dabbing the other's face as carefully with it as he could. A notable shiver ran down Donghae's spine – it was the nth time that night.

Eunhyuk remembered the enervated faces of the managers, the words they had said. It seemed like they had no idea how much they hurt Donghae and him by saying them – or they just didn’t care enough to notice it. He knew that Donghae wasn’t good at taking criticism, especially when it came from the managers or S.M. in general. Normally he would do everything possible to satisfy them so there wasn’t any reason to feel bad anymore or to make them criticize him again.

But their criticism hadn’t been about Donghae's performance.

It was obvious that someone who hadn’t practiced for two years couldn’t remember all of the steps and that his condition maybe had decreased as well. It hadn’t been any different with Kangin and Heechul; Leeteuk had told him that he and Yesung both had had their problems, too. Indeed, they could have thought that Donghae as one of their best dancers would've been able to do better, but they simply couldn’t take it for granted. Just because Eunhyuk didn’t have problems himself didn’t mean a thing. He had always been the one to remember the routines when all the other members had forgotten them and also the one they all had relied on when it was about dancing.

No, he thought that it had personally to do with Donghae, now that they knew things about him they hadn’t known before. If Donghae wouldn't have had any problems, they most likely wouldn’t have said a word; they just would have sent him some glares, but that would've been it. But that Donghae didn’t know the steps and provided them with yet another target made it easy for them. He had brought trouble upon them, they had put a lot of work in downplaying it and now that he was back it seemed like it all wasn’t worth the effort. They probably still had the hug in mind, too – Eunhyuk didn’t want to know what kind of rumors were already going round online.

It thundered loud outside and Donghae tossed his head to the other side; he mumbled something under his breath that Eunhyuk couldn’t understand. His hand let go of the wrinkled fabric and slid from the other's waist to his stomach just to grip it there; it seemed like he was dreaming.              
In the faint glow of the bedside lamp Eunhyuk could see the alarm clock. Five in the morning – so he had been staying with him for almost seven hours now. He hadn’t slept a wink since then and as long as Donghae wasn’t able to sleep ten minutes without tossing and turning, Eunhyuk wasn’t even thinking of going to sleep himself.

Donghae turned his head back to Eunhyuk only a brief moment later. A low moan left his lips and after frowning a bit more, he eventually opened his eyes just a tiny bit. Eunhyuk watched him as the younger blinked tiredly and sent him a small smile.

"Hyuk…kie?" Donghae asked barely audible as he looked up to him; his hand was still tightly clutching the other's shirt.

"That's right", Eunhyuk answered just as silently and with a soft nod; he could literally see how Donghae had to think about what was going on. The younger blinked again – and his eyes suddenly widened in pure shock. He let go of Eunhyuk immediately, sat up a bit and scooted as fast as he could to the other end of the bed and with that as far as possible away from Eunhyuk.

"Don't c-come near m-me", he whispered with a trembling voice and looked down his own body, then back to Eunhyuk who was watching him with a whole lot of hurt in his eyes.

"Donghae", the other started quietly and sat up as well. Donghae flinched and freed himself from the blanket, obviously ready to run away – but Eunhyuk was faster. He reached out his arm, grasped the other's arm and held him back. Panic rose inside of Donghae as he clutched Eunhyuk's hand firmly and forcefully tried to loosen its grip on him.

"Don't touch me!" he yelled while tearing on Eunhyuk's hand and scratching his skin it in the process. But Eunhyuk didn’t let go; he scooted over the bed and would've sat beside Donghae if the latter hadn’t already jumped to his feet.

"What's wrong with you?" Eunhyuk quietly asked and stood up as well; Donghae still scratched and tugged on the other's hand, yanked his arm back and struggled as much as possible.

"Let me go!" he shouted, panic-stricken, and probably woke up the other members that were still sleeping at this hour. He acted like Eunhyuk was a serial killer chasing after his life when there wasn’t anything to be scared of because the other just wanted to talk to him.

"Not until you tell me what's wrong", Eunhyuk tried to stay as calm as he could and tightened the grip on Donghae's arm; the younger let out a horrified gasp.

"Let me go, let me go!" His voice was high-pitched and filled with panic by now; it was barely endurable for Eunhyuk to see him like that.

"I will let you go when you promise to talk to me", he offered and tried to make eye contact with the other. It remained an attempt because he wasn’t sure anymore if Donghae could even hear him.

"Please let me go, you're hurting me!" Donghae begged and sounded like he was about to start crying; Eunhyuk sighed in defeat and eventually let go of him. The latter immediately stumbled backwards until his back hit the wall; his eyes were big and filled with fear as he looked at him, but he couldn’t return Eunhyuk's gaze for more than a few seconds.

"I'm sorry", Eunhyuk mumbled, kind of overwhelmed by the whole situation. "I… I'll do everything you want, but please don’t be afraid of me anymore."

Donghae's eyes darted over the floor and he clutched his hands tightly just like he had done it the morning before. "I-I'm not afraid of y-you", he stuttered. Eunhyuk frowned.

"Why are you acting like this then?" he asked and tried to sound calm. "Is it because of the kiss; are you afraid that I could do something like that again and that somebody sees us? Donghae, I promise to be careful. It won't ever happen again, please believe me."

"No, really. It's… It's not you, but… It's because of them, they-" Donghae left his sentence unfinished and ran his shaky fingers through his hair. It seemed like he had trouble with his breathing.

"Who do you mean, S.M.?" Eunhyuk took just one tiny step forward. "Are you afraid that they find out? Please, you don't have to worry; they won't. I won't let them."

His begging didn’t succeed; Donghae shook his head. Eunhyuk felt how his own fear rose up inside of him; the fear that Donghae wouldn’t let him near him anymore and with that would smash all of his hope. "Please don't tell me that it's over", he whispered and saw Donghae wiping his cheek with the back of his hand. Was he crying?

"I want to be with you…" the other said with a low voice, almost soundless in the pattering of the rain. Eunhyuk took another step.

"And you can. We can be together, Donghae. Here at the dorm we can do whatever we want to and no one will ever find out. You know that", the elder said full of hope. But Donghae shook his head again.

"No, they… they will tell them and… They will know… When they know it – they… I don't want them to… not again-" A silent sob escaped Donghae's throat and stopped his confusing words. Eunhyuk couldn’t bear seeing the younger's tears and hesitantly reached out a hand; he winced however as Donghae's body jerked heavily all of a sudden which made the other let out a pained groan.

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