Chapter Twenty-One: Goodbyes are the Hardest

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Yixing didn’t know what to think when he walked into the Park’s house and saw something he never thought he’d see again.

Baekhyun was lying in someone’s arms. The person who had dragged him through hell, chewed on his heart and spat it out without a second thought.

A part of Yixing was happy with relief, that Baekhyun seemed more content than he’d been in a while. But the more rational part of him was angry that Baekhyun so willingly allowed this man to be near him again, to forgive him so easily for the unforgivable.

Yixing had watched from the sidelines for too long, then thinking that it wasn’t any of his business to meddle with his friends’ affair. But letting it play out the way it had had proved to be disastrous, with irreparable consequences. Yixing couldn’t let it happen. Not again.

Taking a deep breath, the Chinese man walked over to the sleeping pair and with great hesitance, gently nudged Baekhyun on the shoulder.

“Yixing?” Baekhyun mumbled sleepily as he stirred awake. Yixing waited, patient, as Baekhyun regained his bearings. When he finally did, he seemed as if he was shocked himself to find that he was in Chanyeol’s arms, the man’s hold not letting up even once throughout the long night.

“I’ll leave you to it. Breakfast will be ready in fifteen,” Yixing said quietly, a small encouraging smile on his face despite the mess in his head. The talk could wait for later, when Baekhyun had woken from the sweet dream and realised that reality wasn’t as kind as he had thought it to be.

Baekhyun watched as his friend disappeared into the kitchen, but not before catching the conflicting look on his face. Baekhyun was almost certain what it meant. He was embarrassed that Yixing had seen what he had, but more than anything, he felt terrible for being so transparently easy. Chanyeol came crying to him once and he forgave the man in a heartbeat. Baekhyun was sure Yixing was going to give him a good reprimand for it. But Baekhyun couldn’t blame him; he was a great friend. Yixing was only looking out for him.

With a shaky breath, Baekhyun lifted himself off the man and stood above him, watching with great fascination as he slept. He looked like the boy he had fallen in love with all those years ago. Why did it feel as if he couldn’t have him, even when he was right there? It was unfair, Baekhyun thought. All he ever did was love the man. And though he’d suffered a great deal of heartbreak, Baekhyun knew that the happy times he’d spent with Chanyeol were worth every second of it. He wouldn’t trade those memories for the world.

It was in that moment that Baekhyun felt a great shift in emotions again, and his heart took a paradigm shift.

“I’m sorry…” he whispered, fingers caressing the man’s cheek for the fleetest second, touch as light as a butterfly’s kiss.

It felt a lot like a goodbye.

+

“I’m not going to ask anything,” Yixing said quietly when Baekhyun entered the kitchen having washed up. Baekhyun looked like a deer caught in headlights but his expression smoothed into an unreadable mask soon after.

“I know,” he said after a moment, slipping into a seat at the table. They began on their food in silence. It wasn’t until another long minute later that Baekhyun spoke up again.

“I forgave him,” Baekhyun spoke, voice quiet over the clinking of cutlery. Yixing raised a brow at him, unconvinced that it was all there was to it.

“You never thought it was his fault,” Yixing pointed out. “You may have let him make amends but you haven’t forgiven yourself, Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun froze at the claim; body going stiff and heart hammering in his chest.

Why was it that Yixing was always right? Baekhyun knew he couldn’t refute the Chinese man’s words. Because they were the truth, the nail in the coffin. Baekhyun had kept it from everyone, put on a façade just to fool them all. But Yixing had figured it out in a heartbeat.

“That’s it, isn’t it?” Yixing asked, voice growing softer though his words were firmer than ever. “You’re afraid you won’t ever see yourself right again.”

“Is it terrible that I am okay with that?” Baekhyun murmured after the longest silence, setting his plate aside, eyes refusing to meet Yixing’s. He grabbed a napkin and dabbed it in the corner of his mouth, and it infuriated Yixing to see how nonchalant Baekhyun was.

“I don’t know how many times I have to tell you to make you see that you have to save yourself before you even think about saving your family,” Yixing said, growing frustrated.

“Please, Baekhyun, I’m begging you. For the sake of the children, for the sake of yourself. Just this once. Listen to me and leave all this for later. You need to take a step back and find a way to love yourself before you love anyone else again.” Yixing was close to tears and it was the first time Baekhyun had ever seen Yixing looking so distressed and quite frankly close to losing it.

“Yixing,” Baekhyun began, calm despite the turmoil in his head, “I don’t know how to get there. It sounds so easy but I don’t know how to be without them. They are my life, hyung.”

Yixing could understand where Baekhyun was coming from. Kiko and their darling daughter were the love of his life and he couldn’t ever imagine being separated from them. How could he ask Baekhyun to leave the very thing that was keeping him alive? But at the same time, it was ironic. The way that it had led to Baekhyun’s downfall.

Yixing let his head hang low for a few moments to collect himself before his gaze met Baekhyun’s, a hand moving to wipe the stray tear that fell from his eyes.

“I know a place you can go,” Yixing said, almost pleadingly though his calm and collected self was back. “Just tell me you will at least think about it. Please.”

A place far from his life was not tempting in the slightest but with the thought of finally being better for the sake of his family, Baekhyun knew he had made his decision even without persuasion.

Taking a deep breath, Baekhyun said, “Alright.”

+

Baekhyun clutched the envelope in his hands tightly, trembling as he stood in front of the door. All he had to do was hand it to Kris. He didn’t even have to say anything; it was all explained in the letter anyway. With great hesitance, Baekhyun lifted his hand and knocked on the door.

“Come in,” a gruff voice called. Baekhyun went inside as told and closed the door behind him quietly, never once lifting his eyes as he slowly made his way towards the desk in the middle where Kris was busy on his computer.

“Hey, Baek,” Kris flashed a wide, genuine smile. “What brings you here?”

A small frown made its way onto his face before Baekhyun could get his words out. “Don’t tell me you’re here to start work again? Didn’t I tell you to take a long break? Don’t worry about your salary, it’s a paid leave, Baekhyun. And when you get back it’ll still be here. I’m transferring you to waiter duties and that’s it—what’s that in your hands?” Kris narrowed his eyes in on the envelope in the man’s hand.

Baekhyun didn’t answer the man; instead he handed it over to Kris and took a step back, still refusing to meet his eyes.

Kris’ frown only grew as he took out the paper and unfolded it, eyes scanning through the document.

“What’s this?” Kris asked aloud, even though he already knew what it was. He looked up, frown still in place. “You’re resigning?” Kris wondered in disbelief, though there was clearly disappointment in his tone. Not with Baekhyun, but the fact that he would not see the man around in his bar anymore.

“Yes,” Baekhyun replied in a quiet voice, hands tightly wounded together in front of himself.

“Can I ask the reason for it?” Kris asked gently. “And please, will you look at me?”

Baekhyun’s eyes lifted with the request. They met Kris’, and Baekhyun could see the concern clear as day in his eyes.

“You’ve barely looked at me these days,” Kris mused, though there was no anger of any sorts in his tone. Just curiosity. Kris would bet everything it had something to do with Chanyeol. He’d heard from Yixing that Chanyeol was slowly inching back into Baekhyun’s life, and he’d seen first-hand how receptive Baekhyun had been the past few days towards his estranged husband.

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun said, and Kris believed he wasn’t apologizing only for refusing to meet his eyes.

“I-I wanted to make this quick,” Baekhyun continued, rushing to get his words out, “Sehun’s waiting for me to pick him up from school.”

“Can I come with?” Kris wondered, a smile on his lips.

Baekhyun wasn’t expecting it, but he nodded anyway.

The ride to the school was silent. It was only when they arrived, parked at the side as they waited for the kids to be released, that Kris finally asked, “What’s your plan, Baekhyun?”

Baekhyun didn’t answer right away. He’d thought a lot about it, but he still hadn’t found the right way to tell anyone. If he should even let anyone besides Yixing know, even. In that second Baekhyun made the decision to withhold the truth, not wanting to face the many questions that were bound to bombard him.

“I want to do something for my family,” Baekhyun began, ambiguous in his answer.

Kris stared at him for a long minute before he nodded ater having realized that Baekhyun seemed guarded, hesitant to let his plans be known. Instead, he reached over the console between them and held the younger man’s hand in his own, in a gesture he hoped would give comfort to him.

Baekhyun didn’t pull away and Kris took it as a good sign. “I’m always here, you know that, right?”

Baekhyun felt terrible, to string the man along like that. But he knew he’d always ed things up, anyway. Better he left before anything else fell apart.

Baekhyun didn’t say anything but the gesture gave him comfort, even if a little. In the distance the school bell rang and slowly, the children started to stream out of the building.

Kris held his hand, only letting go when Sehun opened the door and entered the car with a huge smile and began to recount his day in school.

+

When they got home, Baekhyun found Jongin on the floor of the living room with a guitar in his lap as he strummed a tune, Chanyeol sitting opposite him with a proud smile on his face. Baekhyun watched in silence for a minute, not wanting to let his presence known so he wouldn’t disturb the moment the dad and son couple were having. He was going to miss this. Looking at Jongin’s and Sehun’s smiles always managed to make all the bull fade into the background, if only for a second.

Yixing was right. He lived for his family. But it was time he started living for himself.

“Daddy!” Jongin cried, setting the instrument on the ground and running over to Baekhyun. He caught him in his arms and kissed him on the cheek.

“Appa was teaching me a new song,” Jongin beamed, and Baekhyun felt his heart swell at the thought of them being a family again. The children had missed their appa so badly, and Baekhyun was just glad he could fulfil their wish to have Chanyeol back in the house again. Sehun ran into the room and made a beeline for Chanyeol who caught him in his arms and settled their youngest into his lap. Jongin pulled him along by the hand and Baekhyun followed willingly, joining the rest of his family on the carpet.

“Let me play for everyone the song appa taught me,” Jongin announced to his small audience of three. Sehun clapped his hands gleefully, and Baekhyun caught the small, bashful smile Chanyeol sent his way.

In the doorway, Kris stood, quiet and unmoving. He took one last glance at the seemingly happy and complete family and made his leave, determined not to disrupt their time together.

Baekhyun flinched when he felt a hand hold his own, fingers slowly filling the gaps between his and looked down to see that Chanyeol had surreptitiously reached over to intertwine their hands. It took him awhile but he finally relaxed into the touch and let himself enjoy with the rest, watching them watch the performance with wide smiles and his own lips curled into a small smile of his own.

He was going to miss them so much.

+

“Jongin-ah…” Baekhyun called softly for his oldest son who was climbing into bed, ready to sleep. Jongin, snug under the covers, looked up at his father expectantly.

“Yes, daddy?”

Instead of giving a reply, Baekhyun made his way from the door towards the bed. Jongin moved aside, making space for Baekhyun who wasted no time in wrapping his arms tightly around Jongin.

“Daddy,” Jongin whined, though he had a tiny smile on his face.

Baekhyun chuckled, letting up his hold so he could pet Jongin on the head. “Are you happy, Jongin?” Baekhyun wondered, fingers playing with the boy’s hair. Jongin leaned into his father’s side, arms coming to wrap around his waist.

“Mmhmm,” Jongin hummed, the smile still on his face.

Baekhyun hesitated, but knew he had to push through with it. “You’d take good care of Sehunnie, would you?” He asked in a quiet voice. Jongin seemed to have not picked up on anything, and Baekhyun let out a breath of relief.

“Yes…” Jongin trailed off with a yawn. “But he listens better to you and Appa.”

“Jongin-ah, you may not see it but Sehun looks up to you. You’re his big brother. Everything you do is right in his eyes, you know that, right?”

“I know,” Jongin conceded with a sigh. “Sometimes it’s hard being the big brother.”

Baekhyun chuckled again, leaning down to kiss the boy on his cheek. “But I’m proud of you sweetheart. You’ve proven time and time again that you’re a good son and a great brother. There will come a day… when I won’t be here. And I need you to promise me that you’ll do your best to make sure everyone stays happy. You’ll have to take care of the family. I trust that you can do it, Jonginnie.”

Jongin grunted but gave a weak ‘okay’ in reply, burying his face into Baekhyun’s chest. It was barely a few minutes later that Baekhyun realized he’d fallen asleep. With another lingering kiss to his forehead, Baekhyun whispered, “I love you. So much.”

He gently pried himself out of the boy’s hold, tucking him in, and then proceeded to leave the room without another glance back, knowing it would hurt too much – probably more than his heart could handle at the moment – to know it would be the last time.

Along the way to his room, he passed by Sehun’s room. The door was ajar and the first thing he saw was Chanyeol in bed with the five-year-old in between his legs, reading from one of Sehun’s favourite picture books.

“ ‘Put me down!' said the fish. 'This is no fun at all! Put me down!' said the fish. I do not wish to fall!'” Chanyeol gave his best impression of a talking fish, making Sehun giggle. Chanyeol turned just then, catching Baekhyun by the door. His expression softened and he beckoned for the man to come.

“Daddy’s here. Would you like him to be the cat?” Chanyeol asked Sehun, disregarding Baekhyun’s protest. Baekhyun conceded when Sehun grinned and nodded enthusiastically. He sighed, sitting on one of the bean bags on the floor, pretending he hadn’t seen Chanyeol beckon for him to sit with them. Chanyeol continued from where he’d paused, and Baekhyun occasionally acted out to the words.

When the story was finally over, Sehun yawned, his eyes drooping as he cuddled closer towards Chanyeol.

“You tired?” Chanyeol asked with a fond smile, brushing Sehun’s hair out of his face. The boy nodded and Chanyeol helped him under the covers before reaching over to turn on the night light. He kissed the boy on the cheek and Baekhyun made his way over to do the same, and his heart ached, knowing it would be the last time in a long while.

They left the room quietly, as Chanyeol shut the door behind himself.

“Baekhyun…” Chanyeol called, hesitant and yet longingly.

Baekhyun paused in his tracks and took a deep breath, slowly turning to face the man he would be leaving behind. The life he has to let go.

“I was thinking,” he began, testing the waters, “I should move out of the apartment and start bringing my things over.”

Baekhyun swallowed the lump in his throat and found it in himself to say something without giving his emotions away. “O-Okay,” was all he managed.

“This is finally happening, huh?” Chanyeol chuckled awkwardly, rubbing at his neck sheepishly. Baekhyun’s lips curled ever so slightly but he couldn’t find it in himself to return a genuine smile. Not when his thoughts were a mess.

“I guess I’ll sleep on the couch for tonight…”

To Chanyeol’s surprise, Baekhyun whispered, “Will you join me in bed?”

“Are you sure?” Chanyeol asked as he looked to the man’s eyes to see any signs of unease. He found nothing but a quiet longing.

“Yes,” Baekhyun murmured, turning around to head towards his room. Baekhyun watched as Chanyeol slowly and tentatively slipped under the covers, joining him. They were facing each other, just inches apart. From where he was, Baekhyun could hear Chanyeol’s soft breathing, see the subtle rise and fall of his chest.

With his arms outstretched, Baekhyun reached for Chanyeol’s waist, pulling himself closer to the man, listening as Chanyeol held his breath as he finally rested his head against Chanyeol’s chest. It was a minute later that Baekhyun felt arms wrapping around his own waist. It was when he was flitting in and out of consciousness that he felt a kiss to his head.

“I love you, and I’m sorry” were the last words that went through Baekhyun’s mind before he fell into the clutches of sleep.

+

When Chanyeol awoke the next morning, Baekhyun was gone.

And in his place was a note.

Chanyeol refused to believe it but he knew what it was even before he’d read it. With trembling hands, he unfolded it, letting the first of his tears fall.

Chanyeol

I know you said we would do this together, but Yixing made me realise something when he saw us together like we used to be. We can never be as we were if I never forgave myself. I’ve tried so hard to move on but nothing’s worked. The thought of someone else having touched me the way I’d only let you is like drowning, over and over again. I can’t forgive myself for ever letting it happen. You deserve better, and I’m learning that so do I.

I want the feeling gone. I don’t want to feel like I have a hole in my heart. I don’t want to feel like I’m doing you wrong anymore.

I want to feel like I deserve your love, just like how you taught me when we first met.

And for that, I’m truly sorry, but I have to do this alone if I ever want to be the Byun Baekhyun you once loved.

Please tell the children that I am sorry, and that daddy loves them more than anything in the world, but daddy needs to heal on his own.

Goodbyes aren’t easy, but I hope to meet you with a beautiful hello in the future.

Baekhyun.

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A/n: The chapter numbering was off and no one told me?? i must have been drunk when i did that. anyway here's your update... hope you guys liked it lol. Btw i dont know if anyone knows but i took part in BAE round 1 last year and I actually wrote 'If I Stay' (which is an mpreg). I'll have it up here later for anyone of you who havent read it :)