Chapter Fourteen: Too Little, Too Late

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"Appa!" 

Chanyeol's face split into a wide grin, the tension in his face melting to make way for that of a smile. He braced himself for the impact but still stumbled a little when his first son propelled into his awaiting arms.

He welcomed the shower of kisses to his face, occasionally planting a few of his own against his son's cheek at every given opportunity.

"You've missed me?" Chanyeol asked teasingly, booping Jongin's nose before setting him down on the ground.

"Mm-hmm," Jongin hummed, nodding enthusiastically, "I missed daddy too!"

 "And Sehun, even if he does annoy me at times."Chanyeol chuckled as he ruffled his son's hair.

"He misses you too,"Chanyeol offered as he took Jongin's hand in his own and led the way to the car, "Everyone at home missed you."

"Even daddy?" Jongin asked uncertainly, peering around as soon as they got to the car. Chanyeol nodded.

Jongin pursed his lips with a frown. "Then why didn't he come along to pick me up?"

Chanyeol had prepared himself for the question. in a breath, he forced a smile, "Daddy's been a little busy."

"So I'm staying with you today?"

Chanyeol hummed a reply. Letting Jongin know that they would need to give Baekhyun some time and space would have to wait.

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"He was here last night." Yixing affirmed despite the annoyance in his tone as he straightened out the pillows and then moving to draw the curtains. Baekhyun sat up straighter with a curious expression and his face gleaming with hope. Yixing resisted the urge to scoff.

"Said he didn't want to wake you up," Yixing continued with a rather dubious tone. "If you ask me, he was probably glad you slept the whole way through. That coward would do anything to put off your confrontation."

"It's not a confrontation," Baekhyun corrected him drowsily. "I just... need to talk to him."

 You don't need him, Baekhyun. Yixing knew that wasn't the truth. It was unfortunately a blatant lie. He left it unsaid instead.

"What is so important that it requires the company of Park Chanyeol?" Yixing was annoyed, the words slipping before he'd even thought them through. Baekhyun could only offer a bitter smile. There was a long silence before Baekhyun startled Yixing by speaking again.

"Yixing hyung."

Said man hummed a reply. 

"I know, you're angry with Chanyeol and what he's done to me but..." Baekhyun sighed. It was a quiet, defeated, sigh that had Yixing feeling rather concerned by the exhaustion in his tone and expression. "Please don't hate him for this. He's just..." 

Baekhyun sighed again. His eyes turned dark, lost in thoughts of their own. "I've made some mistakes in the past, and I'm paying for them now."

Yixing decided right about then that he should probably take a seat. Which he did. The Chinese man perched himself on the foot of the bed as he braced himself for what was to come.

"Is there something you need to talk about, Baekhyun-ah?"

"Years ago, when we found out about Sehun," Baekhyun began with a deep breath, "Chanyeol and I had differing opinions."

"It drove a wall between us," Baekhyun admitted sadly. "A-and, I guess I took it the worst. Chanyeol tried to be the rock but I broke him." 

"What I'm saying is..." Baekhyun lifted his gaze to meet Yixing's concerned eyes. "I didn't know how to handle my emotions well and I just pushed him away. I was a jerk to him."

"Please don't hate him because it's my fault he's leaving." Baekhyun could feel the tears building but he forced a smile instead. "Chanyeol tried his best. He tried to make it work, and I just ruined it all for us."

 "So you shouldn't be mad at Chanyeol."

"I'm sorry I lied to you," Baekhyun whispered uncertainly, eyes timidly searching Yixing's. The latter shook his head, discontentment written all over his face.

"Baekhyun, no," Yixing murmured, "Don't think that way. You were under a lot of pressure and-"

"-hyung, please. I really appreciate you seeing the good in me but that's the truth and it's ugly. I'm an ugly person." Baekhyun's hands had moved to the pillow, fingernails digging into the fabric. "And I wish I could change the past, whatever I've done, but I can't so now I just have to live with it."

Yixing frowned in confusion. He didn't know exactly where Baekhyun was coming from but he had a hunch that it was his insecurities talking. The Chinese man might not be a psychiatrist but he was quite sure that his friend needed some form of help. It was the first sign of an impending problem. There was no way anyone, not even the emotionally stable, could go through whatever Baekhyun had been through and come out without any wounds or scars.

"So will you let me talk to Chanyeol?" 

With a heavy heart but purest intentions, Yixing nodded.

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"So it's settled. Thanks so much, Dr. Jin. I'll see you next week." 

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November 27, 1994

It saddened him to see how the boy was so cautious, like he was afraid. Of what, Chanyeol did not know.

The boy, on the other hand, was actually more confused than anything. This man - or rather, boy - had bought him off another man to have him to himself but yet he hadn’t done anything to suggest that he wanted his services.

“I’m Chanyeol. What’s your name?”

The boy hesitated for awhile before he replied in a quiet voice.

“Baekhyun.”

“Baekhyun.” Chanyeol smiled, liking the way the boy’s name rolled off his tongue.

When they had both finished their drinks, Baekhyun excused himself to the bathroom to change into the dry clothes Chanyeol had brought him, the latter doing the same right there in the living room.

In the few minutes he had had to himself in the bathroom, Baekhyun had come to realize that Chanyeol had actually ‘bought’ him from that old man in an attempt to help him.

Though he was grateful for Chanyeol’s kind act, he knew that this was only temporary and soon, he would have to return to the hellhole to flirt with disgusting erts who saw him as nothing more than an object to satisfy their ual desires.

Chanyeol couldn't help but grin when he saw Baekhyun appear at the archway in his blue sweater that looked too big on him, and the track pants he had had to fold at the ankles to accommodate his shorter legs.

But he doesn’t fail to realize how terrifyingly skinny he was, too skinny in fact, especially for a growing boy like himself. His collarbones jut out and his cheeks were sunken. It didn’t help that Baekhyun had on eyeliner that had been smeared away by the rain, leaving traces of dark rings around his eyes that caused his small eyes to stand out against his fair complexion.

“I should go, my boss will be wondering where I am. This happens every day, but thank you for saving me back there.”

Baekhyun’s soft voice tugs Chanyeol from his reverie.

“No, please, stay a little longer. It’s still raining outside.”

The smaller boy shook his head lightly. Conflict ghosted across his face; as if he was contemplating on the other boy’s offer. But he rejected him again all the same.

“Wait, wait.”

Baekhyun stopped at the front door as Chanyeol rushed towards him, stopping a few feet away.

“Can I see you again?”

“I-I don’t know…”

“You work at the club, don’t you?”

“I do.” Baekhyun’s gaze shifted from the taller boy’s face to his own feet in embarrassment.

“I’m not judging you because you must have a reason as to why you choose to work there. But you should know that the filthy place is not for someone as beautiful as you.”

Baekhyun looked up again to see that Chanyeol had meant what he’d said. But he didn’t know how to reply to that. Nobody had ever been this nice to him. After working at such a place for two years too long, he forgot what it was like to have someone compliment him. To have someone tell him how he is worth more than he perceive himself to be. And it felt good; it really did, though he still didn’t believe himself to be beautiful, not in his own eyes anyway.

Chanyeol had sensed that the boy was at a loss for words, so he spoke up to fill the silence.

“I’ll drop by tomorrow after school.”

Chanyeol flashed one of his biggest and most genuine smiles as the other boy stared at him in nonchalance.

“Goodbye, Chanyeol.”

Baekhyun turned around on his heels and walked through the front doors, hugging his arms around his body.

"...even if we're not meant to be, I'll always be there for you."

Baekhyun heard it anyway.

There were unshed tears in his eyes but he was smiling.

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Baekhyun awoke in cold sweat. It seemed like it had become a routine for him to do so. His nightmare was always the same but he'd gotten used to it. He was resigned to his fate; he knew he had to learn to live with it. The last 12 years had been great but it'd been just a dream. 

Baekhyun loved the silence but hated it at the same time. It was moments like these when he'd feel no regret in wallowing in self-pity. Where his children, all that's left of his life, couldn't see how pathetic he truly was. But on the other hand, Baekhyun knew he was just human and even the most conditioned of people broke in the face of loneliness.

With delicate fingers and great hesitation, Baekhyun lifted the hem of his shirt to reveal the monstrosity that had taken 12 years for him to forget -- at least temporarily.

How did it come to this? Baekhyun shook his head. Everything was messed up beyond repair. He wondered if there was still a chance that he could fix whatever that'd happened. Was it even possible?

Could he even fix himself? This time, without Chanyeol.

Baekhyun fell back onto the pillows with the onset of a headache.

Even so, it was barely a minute later when he dragged himself out of bed and into the bathroom where he stood under running water, washing himself clean. It'd been days, weeks, and it still haunted him. It still hurt. But Baekhyun was just so sick of it all.

He emerged from his shower half an hour later with skin red and raw but feeling better than he had in a long while.

It felt a little weird to be going downstairs after staying cooped up in his room but Baekhyun welcomed the change nonetheless. In fact, it was an hour later when Baekhyun found himself still scrubbing the kitchen counter, barely a few metres from where he'd started.

The doorbell rang just then, startling Baekhyun who dropped the sponge at the sound. 

"Coming!" Baekhyun called as he glanced around at the mess of soap and liquid. Despite his efforts, it still appeared too dirty for his liking. But the ringing was insistent and the noise was getting to him. The small man practically raced out the kitchen and skidded to a halt at the front door. It wasn't a complete surprise when the door was opened and Baekhyun found himself staring at an achingly familiar face. One that had nervousness hidden in the crease of his forehead and anxiety in the downturn of his pursed lips.

"Hi." Chanyeol was the first to break the tension between them. Baekhyun tried to return a greeting but his voice wouldn't come out so instead he settled for a small nod, stepping aside to let the tall man into a house they had both called home once before. Chanyeol didn't do so right away, though. He stood frozen for a moment as he drank in the sight of the man who used to be his all.

"Did I catch you at a bad time?"

"Uh, no, it's just... I was just, cleaning..." Baekhyun stumbled over his words.

"Cleaning?" Chanyeol cocked an eyebrow in suspicion but said nothing else. Baekhyun broke their gaze and hurried back into the kitchen instead of giving a reply. Chanyeol got quite a shock when he trailed behind moments later to see the smaller man hunched over the counter, the counter nearest to the stove flooded with water and foamy bubbles.

"How long have you been cleaning?" Chanyeol asked tentatively as he assessed the situation; the smaller man had been cleaning the same spot for over a minute now. Baekhyun shrugged, seemingly uninterested in the icebreaker. Instead, he continued to scrub even harder. 

Chanyeol gave up then, noticing that Baekhyun was in no mood to talk about something other than what he had called him here for. It seemed like a long wait before Chanyeol realised that the other wasn't going to acknowledge him anytime soon. Baekhyun, on the other hand, couldn't seem to stop himself. His mind was whirring but his hands had a mind of their own. It was minutes of nothing but the sound of vigorous scrubbing later when Baekhyun was finally startled out of his mechanical haze by a hand to his wrist.

"You called me here but you won't even look at me." 

Baekhyun's breath hitched at those words. How could I when it'll only remind me of all that I've lost?

"Are you ever going to look at me again?" Chanyeol tried once more, this time louder.

"Silly," Baekhyun whispered, not sure if he wanted it to be heard. Chanyeol heard it anyway. The smaller man's gaze fell upon the hand that was still holding his wrist; the silver band that he'd seen on that very hand for the 12 years of marriage they'd had wasn't there anymore. Baekhyun wondered how long it had been missing. Had it been before or after they'd drifted apart? Had Chanyeol had it on the whole time he'd been seeking solace in Jongdae's arms, treating it like it was just a meaningless piece of metal? 

"Talk to me, Baekhyun. Let's settle this once and for all." It sounded like a desperate, weary plea more than anything else.

Using his free hand, Baekhyun gently pried the hold Chanyeol had on his wrist and pulled away. Quietly, he led the other into the living room where they sat on adjacent couches.

"Are you..." Chanyeol sighed, looking away. His hand flew up to massage the bridge of his nose. "I've heard what happened. Are you okay, Baekhyun?"

Baekhyun didn't know what to feel with Chanyeol's question of concern. He couldn't tell what the other was feeling. He wished so much to be able to hold his hand to the man's cheek and look into his round, warm eyes like he had in the past.

What did Chanyeol think of it all? Was he even more disgusted with him for what he'd let happen?

Baekhyun found no answer to Chanyeol's question.

"...I waited for you." If it weren't for the dead silence of the night air, Chanyeol was sure he would have missed it. "I didn't know who else to call, I had nobody  else I could call, Chanyeol..."

"I-I..." Chanyeol stuttered.

"November 27, 1994. Even if we're not meant to be, I'll always be there for you," Baekhyun whispered, every word like a knife to his heart. He lifted his gaze to meet Chanyeol's guilt-ridden ones.

"So where were you when I needed you most?" The tears came without warning, falling freely from Baekhyun's eyes. 

"Did you ever love me?" Chanyeol held his breath at those words. "Did the 12 years mean nothing at all to you?"

Baekhyun was outrightly sobbing now, clutching to his chest as the emotions he'd held in for days came gushing out in a flood. Chanyeol could do nothing but to watch as the one he had loved a long time ago broke down in front of him. Even though he was there to witness it this time, he felt helpless and close to tears himself. There was nothing he knew he could do or say that would have made a difference. 

"I-I know..." Baekhyun choked, "I know I've been a horrible person to be with. A-And I've never really said i-it..."

"B-But I'm sorry. C-Chanyeol, I'm so sorry for e-everything," Baekhyun cried into his hands. Slowly, but decisively, Chanyeol stood from where he was and closed the distance between them in a few long strides. He wasted no time in dropping to his knees and enveloping Baekhyun in an embrace as he held the other man close to his heart.

"Please," Baekhyun sobbed, clinging to Chanyeol like it was the last time he would ever get the chance to, "Pretend that you n-never stopped loving m-me. Just for tonight."

This time, Chanyeol couldn't help the tears that fell from his eyes.

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A/N: Because one does not simply get over the love of their life. ;(