Chapter three: Curtains

            We came home that night in complete silence, it was comfortable but my tongue was itching. I was just waiting for her to say something. The silence was sort of mocking in a way.

I never really met anyone like her. Taeyeon seemed passionate and sure of herself.  She had the power to make me feel completely stupid but lovely at the same time. No one ever made me feel that way, until now. It was an alien feeling really. When another girl tells you what they like about you it’s a little weird isn’t it? But I felt nothing but closer to Taeyeon. Whether that was a bad or good thing, I didn’t know. My insides suddenly ached and I wasn’t sure why. She liked me, and I guess that was sort of refreshing in a way.

It was about three in the morning, we had class at nine the next day. I wasn’t sure if I’d wake up or even feel like going. But then again what kid would want to? I inwardly sighed. Forcing my legs to move along with the rhythm of my heart beat. Which was slow and tired.

This time Taeyeon wasn’t leading, in fact she trailed a bit behind me. I wondered if she was ashamed of herself from earlier. I managed to open the door of our room, I was going to ask if she was okay but instead I got pushed to the side wall.

I wanted to yelp in shock but the feeling of Taeyeon’s lips on mine had prevented me from doing so. .

I wasn’t aware of what was going on, or maybe I was. I just didn’t have the strength to stop it because whatever I was feeling earlier was being mirrored in that kiss. I lacked motive and want, to push her away from me and wipe my mouth in disgust, because if I were to think about it.

I wasn’t disgusted at all.

And that shocked me more than anything.

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“Tae—” trying to speak in between kisses never works out, I don’t know why anyone tries to do it.

“Shhh…” she hushes me, I feel her palms on my cheeks pulling me closer and it finally kicks in that Taeyeon is kissing me. I only barely wondered how it would feel like to kiss another woman, I didn’t think it would feel so different but in fact it does.

It’s much sweeter. It’s much more passionate. It’s much more thrilling. But maybe that was just me. Maybe that was just us.

Her lips hug my own as I feel her tongue graze my lower lip. She pulls me forward off the wall and without disconnecting her lips from mine, she backs me up until I hit the edge of her bed. Falling down as she hovers over me.

“Taeyeon…” I finally manage to whisper in a slur, I hadn’t drank a bit that night but suddenly I felt like the room was spinning. I felt like I would be deadly hung over the next day. Her short hair covers her face but I’m still able to see her copper brown eyes. Taeyeon wasn’t much of a stranger but I don’t think I ever managed to kiss anyone this quickly.

She didn’t say anything, Taeyeon had the habit of never speaking when she was supposed to. Instead she continued to kiss me and again I let her.

Maybe it was because I was somewhere new and I had no control over anything in my life anymore, is why I had let her kiss me. Maybe it was because somewhere deep down I was a little attracted to her. She sort of filled a hole that was inside of me I wasn’t sure existed. It felt right.

It thrilled me to think that no one would know, therefore no one could tell me if it was wrong or not. I liked the way she felt on my lips and I liked the way she dragged her nails across my arm.

. Maybe I just wanted to kiss her.

I felt her tongue collide with mine, I wasn’t really good at this but like always Taeyeon led the way. She and nibbled on my lip occasionally taking a breath by placing little kisses along my neck. I could only pant as my heart threatened to beat right out of my chest. I sighed content, what was this feeling that shook me up?

I felt her hand snake-up my shirt and just then something in my head clicked.

“Taeyeon, stop!” I yanked her hand out from beneath and lightly pushed her up and off me.

“What? Is something wrong?” she whispers wiping with back of her hand.

“Is something wrong? You can’t just kiss me like that!” I retorted, feeling the butterflies in my stomach. And I hated it.

“Why not, you seemed to like it” she replied with a smug look and suddenly the butterflies were gone. The spark was put out and the taste on my tongue was bitter.  

“I-I just can’t.”

“You can.” She states and that wasn’t the reply I was opting for, but it is one I expected “You can, and you did. What’s stopping you Tiffany?” she pauses and I wished she didn’t ask me what she had asked me “What’s stopping you now?”

I feel my breath hitch as she crawls over to me and it’s sort of y in a way. Though my mind was like an old computer trying to keep up with the newer ones. My brain was frying.

“I’m scared.” I managed to push out and not even I knew exactly what I meant with that. But it was the first thing that rolled off my tongue.

Taeyeon ceases her movements, “Why are you scared?”

“Because…” I breathe out, because I’m just scared. Is what I wanted to say, but words seemed to fail me now as I swallowed them. It didn’t matter why I was scared, because Taeyeon wouldn’t understand.

“Tiffany if you wanna live, you gotta let go.” I hear her whisper and my eyes find the courage to stare at her own.

What did that even mean? If I wanna live I have to let go. It was mocking and irritating. Let go, let go of what? My feet had always been planted firmly on the ground. So what was I missing? “Let go?”

“Yeah.” She nods her head “Let go.”

Taeyeon wasn’t a teacher, nor was she in any position to tell someone how to live their life. But she had a way of persuading people. With dark-brown eyes and skin white as snow, she was deadly beautiful. Her laugh was intoxicating and I found myself becoming addicted to her.

This was not how I wanted my life here in Japan to go. This is not what I pictured me and Taeyeon doing when I first walked through that door.

But things never go as planned and Taeyeon later on would have taught me that.

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I woke up to the sun was hitting my eyes, I had failed to do the one thing I was supposed to do when I first got to the dorm—buy curtains.

I felt an aching in my chest suddenly and it wasn’t because I was sick but because I noticed the spot next to me was empty. I guess I would’ve expected it though. But that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

She was gone. I didn’t know where she went, I didn’t when she’d be back but she was gone. And it hurt.

“School…” I whimpered remembering my duty here in Japan. I sat up and stretched as I looked at the clock, it read eight-fifteen.

I wasn’t but it sure felt like I was, because the feeling I felt was unusual and overbearing. I hated it. Flashes of the night hitting me like rectangular bricks.

How could I be so stupid, I mentally faced palmed. It was spur of the moment I guess, but like the frail naïve girl I was a part of me was now thrown into the big vast ocean of having feelings for someone else. That someone being Taeyeon, she dizzied and dazzled me to the brink of madness—poking at my equilibrium and slipping under my skin. I hated it. Because I knew whether or not I wanted to like her—in that way, the decision had already been made. It was out of my control. Just like everything else was in my life.

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“Welcome to English poetry,” this class was specifically for foreigners like me, I was thankful for that.

“Today we will be reading some random poems out loud and I’ll have you write your thoughts on it.” It would be a class I enjoy very much, if only my mind was clouded with non-sense.

“Tiffany Hwang!” my head that rest on the palm of my hand retracted upwards.

“Yes?” I ask, my voice was hoarse for some reason, and then I realize I haven’t spoken a word since last night.

“Please read the first page for us.”

I take a deep breath as my eyes edge forward, reading the blood-black ink that seem to bleed right off the paper and into my skin.

“The big wooden heart, we keep in the hallway fell over and made the loudest noise and I cried. I was dreaming I was driving down the highway with the top down and each bump in the road was a kick drum and I was without you, and it felt like I was covered in flames.” I blink my tired eyes, I should’ve skipped class today. “I woke up when the wooden heart fell and had a shower and the post-it notes you left on the mirror fell… like leaves in a river.” I should have never kissed Taeyeon, she was loose cannon and I couldn’t ever have her, even if I wanted her. “Wake up and come home, I want to tell you it’ll all be okay. You’re the only one I’ve told why can’t I tell anyone anything. At all.”

I sat there long after I had finished as class went on and my mind was kept blank, I honestly couldn’t think of anything at all. My pen touches the paper I’m supposed to write on but it does nothing. My hand still, my eyes failing me and my chest tightening. It was stupid to react this way, I hadn’t even known Taeyeon for two weeks. But here I am, feeling that way.

 I sigh and the bell rung.

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My hand clutches my bag as my fringe blows with the wind. I walk by foot back to my dorm, thinking maybe I should just go out for a while and clear my mind. But I decide against it. So many thoughts running through my mind. The sun is still high up in the sky and in exactly two hours I have my next class. Which I want nothing to do with. School , for the first time in my life surprisingly—I loath it.

The walk back though, was anything but quiet.

“Oi!” I turn around as I see a tall boy running towards me “You’re Tiffany right?”

I nod my head catching a glimpse of his white smile. “You left this in class.” I see him take out a pink iPhone from his pocket and I notice it belongs to me.

I snatch it looking down shyly, “Thank you.” I say, as he shakes his head.

“No problem, I sit next to you by the way.” I didn’t recognize him at all, but then again I was lost in my own world.  

“Oh, sorry. I was sort of…”

“Distracted?” he finishes off my thought and I smile at him.

“Yeah sort of, sorry” I say again.

“Don’t worry about it.” he laughs and I realize he’s handsome, he was tall had brownish hair that was tousled softly he seemed Japanese but definitely something else. I couldn’t put my finger one it, all that I knew is that he spoke English and I was happy about that.

“It’s Chris…” he pauses “If you didn’t know.”

“Thank you Chris.” I hold up my phone “For my phone, I would’ve died without it.”

“Where you headed?” he asks as he looks around, placing his hands in the pockets of his black blazer.

“Oh I’m just heading back to my dorm before the next class.” I reply.

“Mind if I walk you there?” it was sort of blunt and for a moment I was going to say yes but then I realized my predicament. I don’t want to lead him on, especially when I’m so confused right now, madly confused.

“I would love that but—” I smile apologetically “I need some time alone right now.”

He nods looking a little dejected “Oh, well next time okay?” I smile in response.

“Next time.”

I watch as he walks away. I never did run into him again after that.

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A man was metaling with the door knob of my dorm room. I wasn’t freaked out or panicked. I just wanted to burry myself under my blanket and sleep until it was time to go back home.

“Excuse me, sir?” he looks back at me with a crooked grin and his teeth were yellow as he scratched his gruff beard.

“Gomen…” he says in Japanese and I know enough now to know that means sorry. I wasn’t fazed. I was just confused.

He gets up and walks away, heading down the stairs and I notice a new door knob. They had added locks.

“Wow…” I say tiredly “That’s nice.”

I step into the room and its dark, which was new because usually the sun would be shining through the window.

“Curtains.” I hear Taeyeon’s voice which startles me, I see her sitting on my bed, her knees tucked under her petite body, her hair wet from a shower and her face a little flushed, she stares at me “I didn’t like the idea of the stupid sun waking us up.” She says.

“So while you were sleeping, I went and bought curtains.” 

“Oh.” My heart suddenly felt a thousand times lighter, but I feel more like an idiot now than ever. I didn’t know why I was happy. I didn’t know why I felt deeply relieved. I just know that I wanted to sleep again, with Taeyeon by my side.

 “Thank you.”

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