Watching someone you love be happy without you was bittersweet. Watching him laugh was breathtaking. Watching him laugh without you was agonizing. If Jinah was God she would have made it against the law for you to feel that way about someone without them having to feel it for you right back. However, she wasn’t and sometimes she just had to continue on.

It was dark by now and Jinah had to get home. Jinah worked part-time at a locate antique shop and it was almost closing time. Baekhyun and Soojin had stopped back and were now looking through some of the merchandise.

It was quiet and the no one else was there so Jinah tried finishing her homework. She was almost done with her work when Baekhyun and Soojin walked over to the checkout desk.

“Hey Jinah-unnie.” Soojin greeted cheerfully, her arms intertwining with Baekhyun’s. A sweet smile was on her face and an equally sweet smile was on Baekhyun’s as he placed an item on the counter.

Jinah greeted Soojin back before looking closer at the item they were buying. It was a pair of necklaces. Couple necklaces.

“Oh, how cute.” She commented cheerfully, taking the money from Baekhyun placing the necklaces in two separate small bags before handing it back to them along with the receipt.

“Are you fine with walking home alone Jinah?” He asked and she nodded,

“I’ll be fine, now be a gentleman and take your girlfriend home or I’ll have to kick your behind.” Jinah threatened jokingly causing the pair to laugh.

It wasn’t hard now, when standing there across from them, when she was talking with them like this none of it hurt. She didn’t feel anything bad, no regrets, no pain, just talking.

“Okay, thanks Jinah, see you on Monday.” Baekhyun bided reminding Jinah it was Friday. Jinah waved good-bye to the couple as they walked out of the shop, hand in hand. Jinah noticed how Baekhyun fixed Soojin’s scarf caringly   

It wasn’t until they walked away, their figures getting smaller and smaller the farther they walked that Jinah felt her heart cripple.

Now was the time the pain came in, but being the typical Jinah she was, she brushed it aside and gathered her school books which were stacked in a pile behind the counter. She zipped up her school bag and walked out from behind the counter.

“It’s late, you need a ride home?” Kahi the store owner asked.

“No, it’s fine.” Jinah replied not wanting to burden Kahi. Kahi was standing by the hallway which connected the store and her personal living space, because the shop was also her home, she lived upstairs, and she saw the entire interaction between Jinah and the couple.

“Hey Jiji,” Kahi called out, using that nickname that always made Jinah’s heart skip, her father used to call her that before he died. Kahi didn’t know this and began calling her this. Jinah never told her how heartwarming it was to have someone call her by that name.

“Yes?”

“Here, take this.” Kahi insisted placing a small package in Jinah’s palm. Jinah stared down at the package for a few seconds before looking up questionably.  She opened it to find a couple of tea bags.

“It helps with the heartache.” Kahi revealed and Jinah nodded understandingly. Jinah had begun working here a year ago, at the time she was managing two jobs. One at the gas station and the other here, Kahi was impressed and worried over how much the girl worked. Jinah was only a teenager yet she looked like she was struggling to feed a whole family.

Somehow between the frequent visits from Baekhyun and the secret frown that appeared on Jinah’s face every time Baekhyun appeared with Soojin did Kahi figure it all out.

Kahi never said anything, she never asked Jinah if she had feelings for her best friend, she never tried to give Jinah advice, she was just there, watching silently. Jinah knew that Kahi figured it all out, but she never did anything. Jinah knew that Kahi knew about her unrequited feelings and Kahi knew the pain Jinah went through.

 “Thanks Kahi-unnie.” Jinah thanked before putting on her jacket and exiting. She stuffed her arms in her jacket pockets and wrapped her jacket close praying she could survive the winter air.

-----

Jinah softly closed the front door, her insides flipped in disgust when she heard an unfamiliar voice coming from her mother’s room. Her mother had left her door slightly open and Jinah wished she could just slam it shut.

The voice belonged to a male, and Jinah didn’t want to know who. She stopped counting over the years. Her mother went from relationship to relationship. Somewhere between the awkward hellos the little eleven year old Jinah made with the strange men her mother brought home and the angry fights that always occurred ending every relationship, did teenage Jinah learn to hate her mother’s ways.

A tall, dark man stepped out from the room. He was middle age, he looked to be around his mid forties, but Jinah felt disgusted when she noticed the wedding band on his finger. Not another man with a wife, mother don’t you ever learn.

“Who’s this?” He asked in amusement, his dark eyes lingering over Jinah. The teenage girl seemed to have intrigued something within him.

“My daughter.” Her mother answered stepping out from her room in nothing but a nightgown. She wrapped her arms behind the man’s waist and Jinah looked away.

“She’s pretty.” He commented breaking free from her mother’s hold and he stepped forward towards Jinah. Jinah eyed him warily, wanting to take a sleigh hammer and slam it against his skull. She didn’t like the way he looked at her one bit, this wasn’t the first time one of Jinah’s mother’s boyfriend looked at her like that.

He was now directly in front of her eyeing her hungrily. “So beautiful.” He added picking up a strand of Jinah’s hair, she flinched back instantly.

“She’s a child, an imprudent, selfish child.” Jinah’s mother commented. Jinah rolled her eyes because she could sense what was behind her mother’s insult. Jealousy. Good gracious mother, he’s old enough to be my father.

“I’m tired. I’m going to sleep.” Jinah told the two before stepping away from the man and walking towards her bedroom. Her mother’s hawk-like eyes followed her the whole way until she was safely in her room. She dropped her book bag and stripped herself from her thick jacket and school uniform; she wore leggings underneath her skirt because of the cold temperatures. Jinah hated winter. She hated the strangers.

Once she was comfortably in her pajamas, she dropped into bed, but not before grabbing her earphones and I-pod. She put her earphones in and put on the first song on her I-pod.

She could already hear the noises coming from the room next to hers and she was thankful her bed was against the window and not the wall connecting to her mother’s room. Still, the groans and moans were evident and she could hear them if not for her music. So for now she slept with her earphones in, she closed her eyes tightly and prayed for morning.

Sometimes she wished her father was still alive. If he was maybe none of this would had happened. If he was alive she could be safer, happier, just knowing your father was there for you was enough for Jinah.

Sometimes when she was truly tired, just before her dreams engulfed her she would play the ‘What if…” Game. What if her daddy was alive? What if he was with her? What if her mother didn’t go around around with so many men? What if Baekhyun was with her? What if she was smarter? What if she was prettier? What if she was more talented? What if she tried harder in life? What is she had more personality? What if she was worth it?

There was so many what ifs that consumed her mind, so many that is scared her. The reality of it is that they were just a game, and games and reality were two different, yet oddly similar things. The difference is that with games, you can play again and change the outcome. With reality, you can’t change the outcomes that already occurred.  

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“Jinah!” Soojin’s panicked voice fully woke Jinah up. It was already past ten but Jinah was still in bed. Jinah loved her sleep, like many other people and preferred sleeping in on a Saturday. Soojin had called her however and woke her from her sleep.

“What’s wrong?” She asked, alerted and alarmed.

“It’s Baekhyun. He’s locked himself in his room and refuses to come out. Luhan oppa and I are here at his place.” Soojin explained and Jinah asked why they would be there.

“It’s his parents.” Soojin answered, not going into details. Jinah could tell through Soojin’s vague answer that this conversation was not meant to be over the phone.

“Please unnie, please come over.” Soojin pleaded and she didn’t need to ask twice. Jinah was already out of bed and changing.

“I’ll be there as soon as possible.” Jinah answered before hanging up and grabbing her bag before she rushed out the bedroom door. She made it to the living room before she was met with the man who spent the night with her mother.

“Hello beautiful.” He said to her in an overly sweet voice. Jinah would have ignored him if he wasn’t putting on his shoes, and blocking the door.

Jinah grabbed her black boots and slipped on her socks before putting her boots on. She hadn’t said a thing to him, and he wasn’t going to have that.

“I never got your name, beautiful.” He asked and she didn’t like the nickname he had given her one bit.

“Did you have a good time?” Jinah asked with a knowing tilt of her head while eyeing the man judgingly.

“Excuse me?”

“Did you have a good time with my mother? I hope not too much, you have a wife to attend to.” She stated and she knew how shock he was with her direct question. She used this chance to slip by him, pull open the front door open and ran out.

She had a best friend to help and another day to survive.