A/n: The final chapter has come at last! It is over 10K words (I'm sorry ㅠㅠ). Long conclusion is long. Anyways. Good luck.

Tw: Blood, depression (to the point of hospitalization in some cases), vague mentions of .

At the end of the day, Kyungsoo was bogged down with presents from friends, trying to hold on to everything as he closed his locker door. Key took some of the items out of his hands for him, and as Kyungsoo turned to look up at him, he spotted Jongin past the boy’s shoulder. Jongin was still far enough away, but he was looking at Kyungsoo, as if he were debating coming over.

Jongin had been completely normal during last period. He hadn’t talked to Kyungsoo – because Kyungsoo had stayed at his own table and refused to even look Jongin’s way – but he chatted away with Kris on the other side of the room, sounding cheerful and unchanged. As if he didn’t get it. Maybe he was in denial. Or had he really not figured out that Kyungsoo had broken up with him? The latter was becoming more probable as Kyungsoo saw Jongin begin to make his way over to him and Key. Apparently, Kyungsoo had been too subtle for the idiot.

“No, no, no,” Kyungsoo muttered, taking his presents off of Key again, and pushing the boy in Jongin’s direction. “Go tell him off. I don’t want him anywhere near me. Don’t make a scene, just get rid of him.”

Key initially looked confused, but he followed Kyungsoo’s eyes to see Jongin, and then scowled, nodding. “I’ll take care of him,” he assured the younger, and went off. Kyungsoo stood alone, feeling awkward, and looked around for Sehun, who was at his own locker and still gathering his own things. Hurry up, Kyungsoo thought. He needed someone with him right now.

He tried not to watch as Key assertively approached Jongin and led him off while Jongin’s face pulled into a frown. Kyungsoo could hear Key’s voice but not his words, and it seemed like too long before he finally returned and Jongin was gone.

“That kid’s pretty stubborn,” Key filled him in immediately. “He wouldn’t believe me when I said you were done with him, wanted to hear it from you, but I told him he already had heard it from you, he just wasn’t listening. I’ll bet that’s him,” he added as Kyungsoo’s phone went off in his pocket. Kyungsoo didn’t even check it, because he knew Key was right, and he didn’t want to have to think about Jongin anymore. He’d meant what he had said. He didn’t want Jongin in his life, ever again.

But everything Key said seemed to always be the truth. Jongin was stubborn, messaging Kyungsoo all evening, trying to call him on both his cell and home phone, trying to message him online. The following day, he attempted confronting Kyungsoo at every opportunity, but Key would just tell him off and drag Kyungsoo away, for which he was grateful. That night, he tried to go to Kyungsoo’s house, but Kyungsoo told his mother to make him leave, and she seemed to understand from the desperation shining through the lifelessness in his eyes that something was very wrong, and the cause of that was Kim Jongin. She was able to make the boy leave their property, telling him not to bother her son anymore. And then, Kyungsoo supposed, it finally sunk in – for both of them. It was over.

The next morning, Kyungsoo woke up to the thoughts of It’s Jongin’s birthday, but he didn’t feel happy or excited about it at all. He felt sick. Today he was going to celebrate with Jongin, the way Jongin was supposed to have celebrated with him two days earlier. And now, that was all gone.

He got out of bed and went to his closet, where a wrapped gift and an enveloped card sat, waiting to be given away. He tore up the card, remembering the long message he’d written inside. Asking Jongin to please open up about their relationship, because, if he really loved him as much as he always said he did, then couldn’t he tell everyone else about them? Confessing everything he had been feeling before, how he felt used, lied to, hidden away, and it was getting to be too much for him… Admitting that he loved Jongin. Kyungsoo only remembered ever saying it once, because he thought it was a very powerful thing to say, and he didn’t want to be taken lightly. But he loved Jongin, despite everything. He was so painfully in love with Jongin.

I used to be. He wasn’t anymore. He wasn’t allowed to – he wouldn’t allow himself to, because it was too hard, it hurt too much and he couldn’t bear it anymore.

Kyungsoo unwrapped the present he’d been meaning to give Jongin. A frame, with a drawing inside of a lion that he’d done himself. Jongin was his lion. It looked like a photograph. Kyungsoo was very proud of it; he had worked hard on it, put so many hours into it that he never wanted to draw anything else ever again because it had been so exhausting and draining. He pored over the picture that he’d worked on endlessly for Jongin – to impress him, to make him happy, and to remind him that he was Jongin’s wolf, that the lion had chose the wolf over its own kind – and hated it. It was just a reminder of the lie.

He threw it across the room, shattering it against the wall. It landed face up, and he could see that, though the glass had been broken, the drawing remained unharmed, and he hurried over to pull it out of the frame, hands sliced on sharp shards as he freed the picture and ripped it up. A frenzying need for destruction sparked in him, and he hurried to the drawer beside his bed, pulling out the box of condoms and angrily emptying it on the floor. Then he dumped the rest of the drawer and tossed it. He took the lamp on the bedside table and bashed it off the wall, crumpling the lampshade and shattering the bulb; the books on his bookshelves were knocked down, thrown about; everything on his desk was sent onto the floor, and those stupid notes from that whoever-the-hell Kai flurried onto the floor; clothes were ripped out of drawers and strewn everywhere. It didn’t take long for his mother to come upstairs and discover him, but his room was already a wreck by that point, and Kyungsoo just curled into his blankets, not responding to the woman at all as she yelled and cried and asked why he’d done it.

It didn’t make any difference what the answer would have been. The damage was all done, and none of it would be unbroken now.

After his mother calmed down, she forced Kyungsoo out of bed and tended to his bleeding hands. The cuts weren’t very deep, but many had decided to bleed profusely anyway. Red dripped down his wrists as his mother cleaned him up, and the stinging barely registered in his mind as she washed his hands and covered his fingers in band-aids. Then she wrapped his hands in bandages and told him to go get ready for school, and not make any more of a mess. Before he could go, though, she pulled him into a hug and kissed his cheek, apologizing for yelling and asking if he was okay. He shook his head, but told her there was nothing she could do. They both knew it was true; Kyungsoo would have to heal on his own terms, not anyone else’s.

But if Kyungsoo planned on letting Jongin go that fast, Jongin wasn’t making it any easier for him.

Key left Kyungsoo alone for five seconds – five – and Jongin found Kyungsoo. At the beginning of their lunch break, Key had gone off to his locker and then Jongin was there at Kyungsoo’s, holding something in his hands. His eyes didn’t meet Kyungsoo’s, but Kyungsoo couldn’t look up at him anyway. He just stared at Jongin’s hands, waiting for the boy to speak or go away, hoping it would be the latter.

Kyungsoo noticed Jongin was still wearing the bracelet he’d given him.

“I know you don’t want to talk to me,” Jongin mumbled, sounding broken. He held out the item in his hands – a book. “This is for you though. Please take it, okay? Then I’ll leave you alone.”

Kyungsoo took it without a word, and Jongin said nothing more before going, and Kyungsoo knew that he wouldn’t come back. This book – it was Jongin’s farewell.

What book was it?

The cover was just black, and there was no title on it. Now that Kyungsoo was actually looking at it, he thought it was more like a journal anyway. Not a cheap one that you would get at a dollar store, but a sort of nicer one that you’d see in fancy book stores. The ones that were a bit overpriced, but somehow more appealing anyway. Why was Jongin giving him a journal? Was Kyungsoo supposed to write all his miseries in here, or write down everything Jongin had done wrong and give it back to him? Or was it – was it Jongin’s journal?

Hesitantly, Kyungsoo opened the cover. The title page was blank. Okay. Maybe it was an unused book after all. If that was the case, he would just toss it. He didn’t need anything from Jongin. He flipped open the first page, though. Stuck to it were pieces of paper, with notes written on them. Words written in familiar handwriting, signed by a name Kyungsoo knew too well.

Kai.

Kyungsoo never even thought about the mystery note-sender anymore. On occasion, he would see the box of notes on his desk at home, but he didn’t really notice them these days. He used to take them out and read them sometimes, but he’d stopped doing that long ago. He didn’t think about Kai. He’d had Jongin. But Jongin – Jongin was Kai? All this time… It had never even occurred to him, somehow, that Jongin was the one behind it, but thinking about it now, it was so obvious that it made him feel stupid. Of course it had been Jongin. Who else ever had any interest in him? And once he and Jongin had started getting together, the notes had stopped. Because Jongin could just say the things he wrote.

But then, what was this book?

The first page was full of notes of Kai’s familiar style, just commenting on little things about Kyungsoo. Most of them were short, though one was longer. You’re so cute. I don’t even know how someone can be so cute. Even if you are cold. I think you’re sweet, you just haven’t let me in yet. I can wait. Cute hyung. It was filled with those types of things. But Kyungsoo didn’t get to see the rest, because Key finally showed up and Kyungsoo decided to put the book away. He didn’t think his best friend would really approve of Jongin’s gift. Kyungsoo could look at it later.

He shouldn’t. He should just throw it away. He shouldn’t hold on to anything from Jongin. However, Kyungsoo didn’t care about logic, or protecting his already messed up heart, and he took the book home that night. He read everything in it. For several pages in the beginning, the notes were sweet and adoring, just like Kyungsoo remembered. But it was different reading them now, knowing it was Jongin who had penned them. Sometimes they were sympathetic, apologetic. Sometimes Kyungsoo could pinpoint the day Jongin had written them.

I’m sorry people laugh at you, and are so mean to you. I know my friends are part of that. I think it bothers you, even if you don’t say anything. I wish people could see you the way I do. So he did care that his friends hurt the boy he “loved”. Kyungsoo wondered at what point that had stopped, when Jongin had realized his friends were more important, because he clearly didn’t value Kyungsoo anymore.

You let me in today. Into your house, and inside your walls. Just for a second. You keep all my notes. I’m glad. I’m sorry about you and Sehun fighting. I’m here for you, even if I’m not as good as him. It will all work out, hyung, don’t worry. Kyungsoo laughed, remembering fighting with Sehun. But Sehun had actually listened to Kyungsoo, made up with him and stopped treating him horribly. Jongin wasn’t as good as him, he got that right.

You’re letting me give you a birthday party! I’ll make it good, I promise.

You were the one who pulled me closer last night. I’m sure it was because you were drunk. Anyway, I hope you had fun, even though it wasn’t like the parties Sehun has given you. Happy birthday. He recalled his “party” on his birthday last year. It had been him and Jongin, and pizza and alcohol. They had fought, and then Kyungsoo had said a lot of things, before they fell asleep. But this note… was it true? He remembered waking up with Jongin curled next to him. He’d thought Jongin had done that. Kyungsoo supposed it didn’t matter now.
Also, I do care that my friends hurt you. I really do, Kyungsoo.

We’re in the same English class. How am I so lucky? That story you read today, about the boy who sold his horse… He was stupid. He loved that horse. If it was me, I would keep the horse. Well, if the horse was you. I’d rather starve than lose you. Not that I have you… I like you a lot, Kyungsoo.

Please trust me. I want you to trust me. I won’t hurt you, I promise. Kyungsoo had already learned not to believe Jongin’s promises.

I love you! I love you so much I just want to spend the rest of my life lying in bed with you. You’re so perfect. I love you. I’ve never felt so happy in my life. I’ll love you forever, Kyungsoo.

I messed up. I know I messed up. I was never trying to get between you and Sehun. Even if I was – I am – jealous of how much you care about him, and I want you to care about me too. I still wanted you to make up with him. I’m sorry if you think I kept him away from you. I hope you’re happy with him, though.

I miss you…

You kissed me today. I wonder if your head spun as much as mine when we kissed. It makes me dizzy just thinking about it. I really, really think I love you, Kyungsoo.

You’re wrong about love only hurting you. I won’t hurt you.

You’re like a house, Kyungsoo. Like the one creepy, haunted-looking, seemingly abandoned house that no one wants to approach. Kyungsoo couldn’t help laughing. Because, for one thing, that was so tactless. But it was also entirely believable. And you know how from a distance, windows just look like black, blank boxes? You can’t see what’s inside unless you get close… If someone got close, they would see a boy inside that house, alone and sad and longing for someone to come by. But he never does anything to make the house look more welcoming. He just sits inside and hopes someone will be brave enough to come in. He’s so lonely though. I’m glad I knocked on the door. I’m glad I found the boy inside, because he’s wonderful and he’s nothing like the scary house. You’re wonderful, Kyungsoo.

I don’t know exactly what we have, but I don’t mind. I’m just happy you like me, and you’re giving me a chance.

I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. Don’t blame yourself for this, Kyungsoo, it isn’t your fault this happened. I feel so sick, I threw up after I took you home and came back here. I don’t even want to sleep in my own bed anymore, after what happened to you there… I’m so sorry, Kyungsoo, this is all my fault, and I don’t know how to fix any of it…

I’m so scared, Kyungsoo. Why did this happen to you? I’m so sorry…..

It’s okay, hyung. We’re gonna make it through this. I love you. I love you and no one’s going to hurt you.

I want to believe you’re getting better. I know you’re trying. I’m here. Things are gonna be better from now on, okay? I love you.

You’re mine… Are we really dating? I love you! Let’s just stay here together forever. I don’t want to go back to school, back to real life. I just want to be with you. My boyfriend. I love you.

School is terrible. I hate not being with you. I still think we should run away. Kyungsoo remembered their conversation about running away. He sort of wished they had. Maybe they would still be okay now. Or maybe they’d be dead.

Your stupid friend Kibum drives me nuts. I know I’m just jealous. You two seem to get along, and he really does seem nice, and I’m happy because of that. It’s good that you’ve made a new friend, and he makes you laugh. You really do seem like good friends, and even if I’m jealous, I’m still happy for you. Just remember I love you most.

I’m sorry things are tough for us right now, but it’ll be okay, right? Don’t worry about it. Everything will figure itself out. No one’s gonna take me away from you.

I can’t wait until you see me dance at the festival. Even if Kibum’s gonna be there. I bet he can’t dance as well as me.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m glad we finally had ; thank you for letting me in like that. I wish I’d been your first too. I promise I’ll always do this right.

Don’t you ever break up with me again. I can’t handle that. Seriously. I love you. Don’t do that to me.

I didn’t tell him again today. I know it’s making you angry. I wish I could do it. I wish I wasn’t scared. I know you don’t understand why I can’t do this. It’s not easy. I don’t want to lose my friends. I don’t want to be hated by everyone. I know what it’s like, how they treat the people they hate. I don’t want to be on their bad side. I know that sounds childish, but I’m not like you. They’re all I know. I don’t want to lose you either. I’m in love with you, and I don’t want to care about what they think. What anyone thinks. But I do. I care that they’ll hurt me, and that they’ll hurt you. I’m afraid they – everyone – will never leave us alone. My friends might be on my side, but if he found out – if others found out – I’m afraid they’d take his side. Because they’re scared of him too. I know you think it’s stupid, and maybe it is, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me. Not everyone is so brave like you. I love you, I do, but it’s hard. I’m sorry.

I love you. I know I’m screwing things up. But I love you.

At least a hundred notes later, they ended. The book was only half full, but it was still a lot to read, and even more to take in. Kyungsoo felt a lump in his throat at times, and would choke out laughs at others. He hadn’t known so many things. But he knew it didn’t really change anything, either. He couldn’t go back to Jongin, because he knew Jongin would just go right back to being the way he was. And Kyungsoo couldn’t handle – anything right now. He didn’t want anything. He couldn’t stand being hurt anymore. And even if these notes sounded believable, Jongin had proven to be otherwise. He didn’t act the way he said things. He was powerful with his words, could sway anyone’s beliefs or opinions, but he was only a deceiving, self-centred jerk. Kyungsoo deserved better.

He slammed the book, and the corner of a page slipped out at the very end. Reopening the back cover, he saw that the page was not the same as the paper in the book. The book pages were lined, this paper was clear. Kyungsoo lifted it, seeing a long note on one side, and flipped it over to see the other side. To his amazement, he saw a picture he recognized almost instantly. Because he had drawn it.

It was his drawing of the wolf. The one Jongin had taken from his sketch book in the beginning of tenth grade. And it was still in perfect condition, as though Jongin had framed it or pressed it between the pages of a book. Kyungsoo couldn’t believe that, after a year and a half, he was seeing this drawing again. His wolf. He felt like crying.

Turning it back over, he began reading the letter written on the back.

Dear Kyungsoo,

I can never apologize enough. I shouldn’t even bother. But I’m so sorry. For being such an idiot, so completely selfish, and not even caring that I was hurting you. I know that you – you, you heartless, horrible, cold, arrogant, ignorant, utter jerk that you are… You really were such a jerk when I first met you. I don’t even know why I was interested in you. I wasn’t, for a long time. But then I saw this drawing, and your other drawings in your sketch book, and I realized that you weren’t at all what I thought you were. There was so much more to you, and I didn’t know you at all. Your art was so beautiful, I knew that it was how you must see the world. Even if you seemed icy and hate-filled, you could still appreciate beautiful things. And so I started to appreciate you. And the more I learned about you, the more I wanted to know about you. I never knew anyone could be so perfect, so wonderful… I never would have expected you to be like that. Do Kyungsoo… You’re everything I’ve ever dreamed of having, and I couldn’t have been any more stupid than I was. I hate myself, because I knew – I knew I was hurting you, but I thought it would be okay. I was only thinking of myself. I’m the jerk… And I had always promised myself I would do anything to make sure you were always happy, that you would never be hurt again… I’ve never stopped feeling guilty after what happened to you at my party. I never should have invited you. I knew you didn’t want to go. You don’t like parties. I was being selfish. I was always so selfish with you. I never deserved you for a second. And I took you for granted anyway.

I’m so sorry because of that. I know I was horrible. I am horrible. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I don’t even want you to. What I did to you… I’m so sorry. Please forget me. I want you to be happy, don’t let me continue to ruin your life. I wish I could have another chance, to try and make it up to you and not be stupid and appreciate you like I should have from the start, but I don’t deserve to ever be in your presence or even your thoughts again. I just hope I haven’t ruined love for you. You didn’t believe in love, you didn’t trust it before, and I didn’t help at all. I treated you like crap, but there are so many people who will love you and not hurt you the way I have.

But don’t ever think I didn’t love you. I always did. I still do. I don’t know if there will be a day when I won’t, but I don’t care if that day ever comes. But I love you, Kyungsoo. I love how cold you always were, even to me. Because it meant so much more the way you smiled at me, how you would look at me and it was warm and full of love. I don’t know if you ever loved me. You never told me. You did once. I don’t even know if you meant it. It doesn’t matter. I didn’t deserve you anyway. I love you. Even after everything I did, even if I was so ty enough that I thought I was more important, that my friends, being popular was more important. That I thought I deserved to be loved by everyone, and to be loved by you, and that I could betray them and you and get away with it. They don’t matter. They never mattered. I wish I knew that before. I’d give all of it – my stupid social status, friends, family, money, anything in this world – I’d give it up to be with you again, but I don’t want you to have someone like me. You deserve someone who will love you and take care of you and always think of you and forget about themselves. Maybe you should be with Key. He’s good for you. You don’t have to do anything I say, I just want you to be happy. I wish I could make you happy again.

I know you trusted me, and I’m sorry. I really meant it when I told you I wouldn’t hurt you. I never, ever wanted to. I can’t stand myself for hurting you without even realizing it. And it’s worse because I did realize it, but I couldn’t believe it. I’m so, so stupid. I wish you’d never talked to me. I wish I’d never taken your sketchbook. I wish I had never been born, so you never would have had the chance to encounter me, and you would be happier. I’ve made your life so miserable. How many times did I tell you I love you – and I meant it, and I mean it still – and yet I hurt you? I want to believe that I love you, but how could I when I did that? How could I hurt someone I love so much? When you mean everything to me… I wanted to take care of you, and I couldn’t even do that right… I couldn’t do anything right, could I?

I’m so sorry, Kyungsoo. I’m sorry. I love you so much. I don’t want your forgiveness. Just know that I love you and I never meant to hurt you and I’m sorry. I’m an idiot and I’m sorry and I’ll never ever forgive myself and I hope I am miserable for the rest of my life, because I deserve that. I’ll stay out of your life from now on. Just know I never meant it to be this way. I just wanted to love you like you should be loved, because you’re the most amazing person who has ever come into my life and I know I’ll never meet anyone like you ever again, and you’re absolutely precious and I should have treated you better. I should have worshipped the ground you walked on. Because I did. And I do. I love you. I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry. I’ll always love you. Please be happy, and forget about me.

Take care of yourself Kyungsoo. You deserve so much more.

I love you.

Jongin.

“

Kyungsoo stopped seeing Jongin around. Maybe he stopped coming to school, or he was sick, or he was dead, Kyungsoo had no idea. The last time he heard about him was the Monday after Jongin’s birthday, after he’d given Kyungsoo that book. The following Monday, Jongdae mentioned him. According to Jongdae, Jongin had blown up on all of them – being him, Kris, Tao, Chanyeol, and everyone who normally hung out with them – and told them all to screw themselves and that he never wanted to talk to them again and screw popularity, blah blah. Jongdae didn’t go into much detail, but more or less, Jongin seemed to have called off his ties to all of them. As Jongdae said, “Lucifer has finally fallen from grace.” Yixing, on the other hand, said he was still talking to Jongin, because it was Yixing and no one ever got mad at Yixing and he just had a very healing aura which Jongin no doubt needed right now.

But Jongin didn’t show up in the cafeteria anymore. He didn’t even come to art class in the week before exams. The first time Kyungsoo saw his ex since he’d given him the book of notes was two weeks after the event, on the day of their art exam. Jongin didn’t speak to anyone, looking worn out, and still wearing Kyungsoo’s bracelet. Why won’t he take it off? Kyungsoo wondered. It’s meaningless now. For some reason, seeing it made Kyungsoo feel worse.

After their exams ended and the new semester began, Jongin wasn’t in Kyungsoo’s classes. He didn’t have to try and avoid him, because Jongin already seemed to be doing so, and he did it well. Kyungsoo never even saw the boy at his own locker (not that he checked). Yixing said that when Jongin wasn’t in class, he just went to the library, and Kyungsoo had a feeling he knew where he could find the boy, if he went looking.

He didn’t go looking.

He tried to move on with life. Things were changing more than ever nowadays. Kris’ friends seemed to have mutinied him, all except Tao, and they had come to join Kyungsoo’s friends. He wasn’t surprised by the addition of Jongdae and Yixing; they hung out with Sehun and Joonmyun at lunch more often than not anyway. But when Baekhyun and Chanyeol joined – one more reluctantly than the other, clearly against his will – Kyungsoo couldn’t help thinking it was unusual, and crowded at their table. He didn’t complain, though. Initially, Baekhyun tried to talk to him, but when he would receive no responses, he seemed discouraged, until Sehun explained that Kyungsoo never talked to anyone as it was and he shouldn’t expect anything different. This put Baekhyun at ease. Chanyeol, on the other hand, never looked very pleased with his situation, and the usually garrulous boy became nearly mute for a while. It took him a long time to warm up to the change of seating arrangements. However, Baekhyun would always try to pull him into conversation, and Chanyeol seemed to realize that his friends outnumbered Kyungsoo’s anyway, and that maybe at least Joonmyun was okay. After that, he grew back into his usual self, never talking to Kyungsoo – not that anyone really did – and only speaking with Sehun when he had to – which wasn’t often, because Sehun was far more stubborn and bratty than Chanyeol could ever be.

Key was another thing. He had accepted everything until Baekhyun and Chanyeol came along. But he clearly didn’t like them, or agree with their existence being anywhere near him. His attitude always became hostile when they would show up, and sometimes he would take his leave rather than enduring, which Kyungsoo didn’t mind because he got to use that as an excuse to escape himself. Key changed in other ways, too, or at least his motives did. Now that Kyungsoo and Jongin were broken up, he tried his best to help Kyungsoo through things – which was a challenge enough because Kyungsoo wouldn’t talk about it, wouldn’t talk in general, and wouldn’t even show emotion except for the odd time he would curl up and break down. That happened a lot when he was at home, and lately Key was coming over more, so he was the one who saw it most. He would comfort Kyungsoo, hug him and hold him and rock him gently, soothing him with soft words and promising that he would be okay. After a month, he made Kyungsoo smile, if only for a second. Another month and he could encourage Kyungsoo to join their conversations.

Key spent a lot of time with him, working on him, trying to heal him. He spent nights with Kyungsoo, cuddling the younger while he’d cry himself to sleep, sometimes singing under his breath. On the nights that nightmares would visit Kyungsoo – which became frequent, a mix of Jongin and misery and and death, whatever his mind decided to produce for him – Key would wake up and calm him as best he could. Once Kyungsoo confessed about what had happened to him a year before, because Key couldn’t understand what was haunting Kyungsoo when Kyungsoo would say he wasn’t dreaming about Jongin. It seemed to terrify Key at first, but then he told Kyungsoo that that was over, and he didn’t need to worry about it now. And Key asked if Kyungsoo wanted to talk about it, but Kyungsoo didn’t, because he’d talked enough to Jongin and he didn’t want to think about it anymore, which Key was fine with, because he admitted that he didn’t want to hear about it. Not because he didn’t care, but because it was horrible just thinking of, and it would just anger him or make him sick.

They grew closer than ever after Kyungsoo confided in him. With the arrival of spring break, Key began asking Kyungsoo more often to hang out with him outside of just one another’s houses. They trekked all over Seoul, Key showing Kyungsoo some places, Kyungsoo introducing him to the stores and things that had been built while Key was in America. Kyungsoo didn’t have a lot of places he liked to go, but Key knew a million and one that he wanted to share with Kyungsoo, and they were always interesting. Sometimes Kyungsoo would see things that reminded him of Jongin – always wolves and lions, but other things too, like bracelets and strawberry-flavoured things and dogs (because Jongin loved dogs so much), and airplanes and alcohol and birthday cakes – and he would ask Key to leave whatever place they were in. Key stopped asking why after a while.

At the end of March, Key brought up their relationship, asking what exactly they had between them. Kyungsoo had always just thought of Key as his hyung and best friend, but Key admitted he’d always liked Kyungsoo as more than that. Honestly, Kyungsoo wasn’t that surprised by it. And when Key asked if Kyungsoo wanted to go out with him, Kyungsoo didn’t say no, because it didn’t matter to him. Key liked him, Key was safe – and Key himself had said when you break up with someone, you should have rebounds, because it helped. So maybe this would help Kyungsoo get over Jongin. It couldn’t hurt to try, and Key was the only person he trusted enough.

And so Kyungsoo had a new boyfriend. Things didn’t change that much between him and Key. In public, they didn’t kiss – not because Key was ashamed to kiss him, but because they both knew no one appreciated PDA (although that never stopped Jongdae, unfortunately for Joonmyun and anyone else who had to witness it). Key wasn’t lovey-dovey; he didn’t even hold Kyungsoo’s hand that much. Sometimes he would throw an arm around the younger, or hug him when they parted ways, and he would jokingly fight with Jongdae about who had the cuter boyfriend (which Sehun ended up coming in on one time and pointing out that it was he who had the cutest boyfriend, and they all burst into laughter and agreed; Yixing was pretty cute when he wanted to be, or when he didn’t want to be… or, well just all the time). But for the most part, Kyungsoo and Key didn’t act like a gross couple. When they were alone, Key would kiss him, and it was always Kyungsoo who would pull away first, but they didn’t send each other cheesy messages or constantly say “I love you” or anything like that. They didn’t have , because Kyungsoo didn’t want to. It was all very different than his last relationship.

Kyungsoo couldn’t get into it though. He couldn’t fall for Key; he’d never thought of the older that way, and it just made him feel guilty that Key liked him and the feeling wasn’t really returned the way it should have been. In late spring, Kyungsoo told Key all of this, and that their relationship wasn’t going to work, at least not right now. He was still trying to heal and get over Jongin.

Jongin, who he’d only seen half a dozen times since they broke up, yet whose notes he read almost every night. Jongin, who always looked so sick on the rare occasions Kyungsoo did see him. He had lost weight, he always looked tired, and he was paler than his usual dark self. Jongin had lost his concentration while dancing and sprained his ankle, which Sehun had told Kyungsoo about. Except he hadn’t mentioned Jongin’s name, just saying that “a boy” in his dance class had injured himself. It wasn’t until a couple days later when Kyungsoo saw Jongin limping in the hallway that he realized who Sehun had been referring to. And Kyungsoo had yelled at him, asking why he was trying to keep him in the know about Jongin when he didn’t want to talk about him ever again. Sehun didn’t mention Jongin anymore, and if anything else happened to him, Kyungsoo didn’t know about it. He wasn’t supposed to care anyway.

“

The semester ended too soon but not soon enough. Exams passed again, and then graduation, which Kyungsoo attended for Key’s sake. Next year, everyone would be gone. It would just be him and Sehun. That was strange to think about. Kyungsoo had gained so many people in his life recently, and they would just as quickly be going as they had come in. He supposed he would stay in touch with them, if only because Sehun would keep contact with them, and then he would tell Kyungsoo all about how they were doing. At least Kyungsoo could count on Sehun for that; to make sure he still had friends, and to distract him from his own thoughts. Kyungsoo would still talk to Key a lot, although the older was considering going back to America to take a year or so in university there. He would try not to lose touch with the boy. After all, they were supposed to be best friends.

Everyone else was staying in Seoul. Baekhyun and Chanyeol were of course going to the same school, which Joonmyun was also planning on attending. It was the school Kyungsoo was hoping to go when he was done high school, and since Sehun didn’t really care, he’d always said he would end up there too. Meanwhile Yixing, Jongdae, and Kris were going off to the same university Luhan and Minseok were at. And that was it. Everyone would be gone.

Except Jongin. Jongin would still be at Kyungsoo’s school when they returned in the fall. Kyungsoo just hoped he would be lucky enough to avoid him.

He wasn’t crying himself to sleep every night now. Not every night. Nor did he look at Kai’s notes all the time, though the book stayed on his desk. Kyungsoo had glued all the notes he’d received from Jongin before into the book as well, so they could all be together. Now and again he would open the book to a random page and read one of the messages before feeling dejected and closing it again. He wasn’t sure why he bothered, or why he still cared. Why couldn’t he stop thinking about Jongin, and why couldn’t he move on? Why did it still hurt?

Honestly, when Kyungsoo found out about Jongin getting rid of all his friends, he expected him to ask Kyungsoo for another chance. Kyungsoo had even thought about giving him one, though he’d ultimately decided that he would’ve turned the boy down. But Jongin had nothing now, no one. Even though his old friends tried to reach out to him, he was never interested in going back to them. But he didn’t try to go back to Kyungsoo either. He just stayed on his own, alone. It was pitiful. And Kyungsoo couldn’t even do anything about it. They were out of each other’s lives now; it wasn’t up to him to try and make Jongin happy, and Kyungsoo didn’t feel obligated to.

But he still missed Jongin. At first it had been all the time. Every breathing second, every particle of his body ached for Jongin. Leisurely, that faded to a point where it didn’t hurt Kyungsoo to function anymore, but Jongin remained a constant in his thoughts. That began to go away too, and Kyungsoo had reached a point where he was living his own life again. Yet during those times when Jongin would come to mind, it was just reopening the gashes and letting them pour out their pain. It was always so sudden, and he would find himself choking on it, and he just wanted Jongin back.

“That’s how it works,” Key assured him when Kyungsoo had explained it to him. “It gets better after a while, and then one day it will just be gone.” Kyungsoo wanted that one day to come soon, but the more he hoped for it, the further away it seemed.

“Why can’t I just let go?” he would ask miserably. “He was a crappy, horrible, douchebag jerk of a boyfriend who only screwed me around. Why am I still holding on to that?”

“Love doesn’t know the difference between mean and nice, whole and broken,” Key had answered. “It just knows what it wants, and it doesn’t want to let you forget when you don’t let it have that.”

“Well, love . And it sounds like Sehun, who also .”

“Sehun is also your best friend.”

“No one ever said I make good choices.”

All joking aside, Kyungsoo didn’t feel any better after talking to Key, and then he made it even worse for himself by asking Sehun about it. When he asked how long it had taken Sehun to get over Luhan, Sehun had replied that he was still getting over Luhan, which was extremely discouraging because Sehun had seen Luhan, what, twice since the older had graduated? It had been nearly a year and a half since they’d split, and Sehun even had Yixing now. On top of that, they’d only even been together for five months as it was. (Of course, Sehun had liked Luhan for a year before that, so maybe that was part of it, but if he still hadn’t gotten over Luhan in that amount of time, Kyungsoo was afraid he himself would be suffering until at least the end of his high school experience. Great.)

Summer was slow, and Key left at the beginning of August, leaving Kyungsoo a lot of time to prepare for his final year of high school. Just as the previous year had been, he knew this year was going to be very different, and he wasn’t looking forward to it one bit. He just hoped it would pass quickly and that he would be able to leave it all behind him.

“

Kyungsoo made it through his first week thinking he would be able to do it – to get through, to be okay. But the first time he saw Jongin – during the second week, just a glimpse of him passing in the hallway – it was enough to wrench his heart out.

He remembered what Sehun had said over the summer about Jongin. Near the end of July, Sehun had invited Kyungsoo to a performance at his – and now Yixing’s – dance hall, to which Kyungsoo had had to remind him who else was still at their studio. But Sehun had told him he didn’t have to worry, Jongin hadn’t been there since school had ended. Sehun had thought Jongin had just quit, but Yixing had informed him that Jongin was in the hospital. And seeing Jongin now, it looked like he should never have left. He should be on life support, Kyungsoo couldn’t help thinking. He’d never asked Sehun if Jongin had come back to the studio over the summer. He wondered if Jongin could even dance; he looked like he might break just walking.

Kyungsoo wondered how bad he must have looked.

“

Jongin started to get better. Kyungsoo was stupid for caring, and he knew it, but he couldn’t help looking the boy over whenever he would see him. Maybe the stress of returning to school had wrecked him, but by the end of the month he was starting to look better, and that made Kyungsoo feel better. Kyungsoo thought sometimes he saw Jongin talking to someone – a boy who must have been their age, who would show up at Jongin’s locker sometimes at lunch – but he didn’t know who he was. He hoped it meant Jongin was moving on though.

“His name is Taemin,” Sehun told Kyungsoo one day. “I think he’s Jongin’s cousin. He shows up at our dance hall sometimes to watch Jongin practice. Just in case you were wondering.”

“I wasn’t,” Kyungsoo said, although it probably wasn’t true. He was also disappointed because “cousin” was not what he’d been hoping for. “Cousin” meant in town for a little while, and did not mean moving on.

“Good. So I guess you’ve moved on then, and you aren’t watching after him anymore, right?”

“Shut up.”

Like Sehun was one to talk. He knew exactly what this felt like.

“

Things stayed poor for Kyungsoo. His mom was becoming insistent that he go into therapy, because she didn’t know what to do. He stayed in bed almost all afternoon and night, yet woke the house up screaming on a regular basis. He only ate tiny portions of meals. The only effort he put into anything was his schoolwork, because Kyungsoo knew he had to keep his marks high, if anything. But he refused to go see anyone. He would be fine, he told her.

But he didn’t know how to be fine anymore. He had learned how to live without Jongin again, but he didn’t know how to be happy. He hadn’t been happy before he’d known Jongin either, but back then he’d been okay with it. Now he knew what he was missing. And with Key gone too, it just made things worse. Because Key loved him and made him happy without having to try, and Jongin loved him and made him happy without trying… Even if Jongin had messed up everything – and he had, he had very badly, and Kyungsoo tried to forgive him, tried to overlook it but he really couldn’t, and he would never be able to look at Jongin the same way again – Kyungsoo didn’t want to give up. But he had given up, and he shouldn’t have, but he had. He told himself over and over that he had tried to fix it, tried to make Jongin change, even tried to change himself and it still hadn’t worked out, but he still felt like he should have kept trying. Find something else to do, anything. Giving up was never in the cards. And he was stupid.

I should just forget him like he said. But there was something that wasn’t allowing him. And it wasn’t like Jongin had forgotten Kyungsoo either, had he? There was no way he had. Kyungsoo couldn’t forget Jongin. It would be like forgetting himself. Because Jongin had brought things out of him that he’d never even known about, introduced himself to parts of himself. Jongin had gotten to know Kyungsoo and then taught Kyungsoo about himself. And he’d taught him about other things, about life, about love, about courage and beauty and... And not giving up. Jongin had never given up on Kyungsoo, even if he had screwed up. He never stopped believing that Kyungsoo was a wonderful person. And he’d made Kyungsoo see it himself sometimes, which no one had ever done before. Kyungsoo had felt like he was worth something, because of Jongin. Maybe that was why it was so hard, because getting rid of Jongin meant getting rid of himself too.

And because he loved Jongin. Whether or not Kyungsoo had learned to love himself or care about himself, whatever, he loved Jongin. Because Jongin was safe, and warm, and it felt like Jongin was where Kyungsoo belonged. Jongin was home, where no matter how horrible life became, Kyungsoo could always come back to and feel better. It reminded him of Jongin’s note, saying that he was a house that no one would go near. Jongin had come into the house that was Kyungsoo and made it something, somewhere he would always want to be. And now he’d set his home on fire and was watching it burn to the ground. Sure, he could always get a new house, but the feeling would never be the same. Jongin had made everything feel exactly the way it should. But then he’d messed things up – because he’d started trying to make the place suit his needs, and stopped paying attention to Kyungsoo’s.

And Kyungsoo had thought Jongin was the selfish one.

Kyungsoo had never even allowed Jongin to have the things he wanted. Well, he had, but he had made sure Jongin knew he wasn’t okay with it. Jongin had wanted his friends, and Kyungsoo had made him choose one or the other. Yet when Jongin had gotten between him and Sehun, he hadn’t allowed for it at all, making it extremely clear that Kyungsoo got both, or Jongin would miss out. And Jongin had been fine with Kyungsoo getting everything he wanted. But Jongin couldn’t have anything himself? Sure, he hadn’t gone about things in the best way, but was Kyungsoo any better? He’d put so much pressure on Jongin, and he’d already been stressed out about his friends... Kyungsoo was amazed Jongin hadn’t caved in. (He had now, and now he had no one and was depressed as hell.)

Yes, Jongin had made mistakes. Yes, he’d been selfish. And Kyungsoo had been happily (well, maybe not so happily) blaming him for the destruction of their relationship. But Kyungsoo had contributed to their downfall just as much as Jongin, maybe even more. They had both disregarded one another in favour of themselves, only thinking about what I want and not what he wants or we want. In the end, they had both just been trying to get us much out of each other as they could before their inevitable ruin. There had been too much pressure, too much take and no give as they both pushed to have things their own way and stopped caring about the feelings of the other. How long had they been setting themselves up for it?

And why had it taken Kyungsoo this long to realize all of this? Because what could he do now? It was a bit too late to try and turn back.

“

It was October 3^rd when Kyungsoo began regretting everything he had done. It was silly, really; he should have been long past this stage for a relationship he had ended nine months ago. There had been times when he’d been better than this, when he’d been taking steps forward into moving on and he’d been okay and things almost seemed to be looking up. Yet here he was, somehow having fallen deep into a trench of remorse, hating himself for being so childish but even more for having ruined one of the best things in his life. But it wasn’t until a week later that he was stupid enough to do something about it.

During fourth period, his class following lunch break, his teacher announced they would be going to the library to do research for their end-of-year projects. Kyungsoo wasn’t sure why the teacher was taking them to work so early; it wasn’t like anything would actually be done. Most students didn’t even start projects until after the winter holidays. Kyungsoo, of course, had already started his project and was in fact nearly done his project, but he would work on it today anyway because he needed any excuse not to think.

The class walked down to the library and, once inside, everyone scattered, taking seats in favoured positions, filling up empty tables and avoiding tables where people were already sitting. Kyungsoo was one of the last people to enter the room, and by the time he’d gotten in, seats were already filled and there was nowhere he could go without having to share a table. He decided his back corner would be safe, but as he made his way over to it, he stopped, because there was one table that had only one resident whose work was spread out across half the space. However, his head was down, as if he were asleep, and Kyungsoo likely wouldn’t have given the boy a second thought if he hadn’t seen the bracelet on his wrist.

Kyungsoo stared for a long time, debating. Maybe he ought to have just walked past, but he sat down, body refusing to let him go by without saying anything. Jongin slept on, or at least gave no reaction suggesting that he had felt someone take a seat at his table. Kyungsoo waited a moment, and then reached his hand out to Jongin’s. He felt a rush before he even made contact, because it had been so long since he touched the other boy, and the memory of the feeling was a blur now. But when his fingertips pressed against the back of Jongin’s hand, he could recall every inch of what the boy felt like. He couldn’t forget Jongin.

The younger’s hand twitched at Kyungsoo’s touch, and his head lifted, eyes looking dazed. Kyungsoo withdrew his hand quickly and then waited, watching as Jongin’s eyes widened, jaw clenching tightly.

“Hi,” Kyungsoo offered weakly, suddenly feeling overcome with too many emotions. Regret, longing, desire, pain, joy, fear… Jongin was speechless, just staring as though he didn’t actually believe his eyes. “How are you?”

Jongin’s lip quivered and he took a long time to answer. “Fine,” he mumbled.

“Me too,” Kyungsoo said, because he knew they were both lying. He took a deep breath, trying to think clearly so he could focus. “I realized… I wanted to tell you…” he fumbled, before stopping and trying again. “I know it’s been a long time. I don’t know if you want me to even talk to you. But…” He laughed suddenly. “Look at us. I’m a mess, and from the looks of it, you are too. Nine months. Shouldn’t you have gotten on with your life?”

Jongin didn’t laugh. “It’s not that easy.” His voice was cracked, fragile. “How’re you and Kibum?”

Kyungsoo couldn’t resist smiling, even if this was killing him. Even now, still jealous. “We’re not. He’s gone back to America.”

“Oh.”

“We never really worked anyway,” Kyungsoo went on. “I don’t want to talk about him though.”

“What did you come to talk about, then?” At this point, Kyungsoo expected that Jongin would have that glimmer of hope in his eyes, but it wasn’t there. Jongin had given up too.

“I…” Kyungsoo bit his lip, and his regret went into overdrive. “Maybe it’s too late. I should have figured it out sooner. I should just go,” he muttered, standing up. “I’m sorry. I’ll just…”

He hurried out of the room, cursing himself. What had he been thinking? Nine months of absolutely nothing, and he thought he could just waltz up to Jongin like none of it had ever happened and ask him to try again? When Jongin looked so depressed it made Kyungsoo sick, surely the last thing he ever wanted was to have to see Kyungsoo again.

Kyungsoo didn’t know where he was going until he was outside, heading towards the large tree in the front yard of the school grounds. The sky was filled with thick clouds, and there was the slightest mist of rain falling, but Kyungsoo ignored it, jogging towards the tree and slumping down beside it. He sat there, holding his binders tight to his chest, feeling like an idiot and trying to hold back tears.

Jongin didn’t take long to find him. Kyungsoo had hoped he wouldn’t come looking, because Kyungsoo didn’t deserve the chance to explain himself. But then, Jongin ought to have an explanation.

His footsteps approached the tree, and then they stopped, just out of Kyungsoo’s sight. “Hyung. Please tell me what you wanted to say. I don’t care how long it’s been.”

Kyungsoo looked up at him, and finally saw what he wanted: life in Jongin’s eyes. Fire, if only a flicker. It was enough to set Kyungsoo ablaze.

“Do you want to sit down and talk to me?” he asked, and Jongin took a seat in front of him.

And they talked. They talked about everything they should have talked about nine months earlier. They talked about every mistake they had made, everything they had done wrong and that had gone wrong and everything that was wrong. And amazingly, they came up with solutions, compromises, answers that they should have had before. They explained their own feelings, and the way they had perceived things, and how they knew they were just being selfish. The more they talked, the more flaws they could see in everything they had done. And for some reason, despite how messed up they had been, it made Kyungsoo feel so much better to get it all out, and to hear what Jongin had to say, and just to come together and work through everything, even if it was all far too late. The class bell rang and it started to rain harder and the world continued to go by, and they just kept talking about everything, every single thing. By the time they had covered all they could think of – and the end-of-the-day bell had rang and Kyungsoo had missed his bus but neither of them even noticed – they were both smiling, and it felt so good to be there with Jongin after missing him so much.

“I never even realized,” Kyungsoo told him. “That I wanted to fix everything like this. I just wanted to talk and figure everything out and just… make peace.”

“I missed you,” Jongin blurted, and then sighed. “I’ve missed you every day. It’s okay if you just want to make amends and never talk to me again. I can live with that. I couldn’t stand thinking you’d live the rest of your life hating me. I’ve felt like I’ve been dying. Now I’ll be able to live again, maybe.”

“Maybe?”

Jongin shrugged, looking a bit sad. “I should’ve realized how much you meant to me. Kyungsoo… I’m just so sorry. For everything –”

“I know,” Kyungsoo put in. “I know, Jongin. I didn’t think I would ever be able to forgive you, but now… I think I might. We both were kind of ty,” he said lightly, knowing that kind of was a huge understatement. “So I guess that makes us even.”

“I don’t want to be even,” Jongin began, but Kyungsoo just laughed.

“I know,” he repeated. “But I think I can move on, now. I’ve been needing to work through everything, but I couldn’t do it on my own. I only knew what I felt, I didn’t know your side of it. That’s what’s been holding me back from even trying to be happy all year. But now… If I were hit by lightning right now, I would die in peace. And I might, I mean, it’s raining pretty hard and we’re under a tree.”

Jongin chuckled. “Should we take this somewhere else, then? Or should we just say goodbye?” He grew more serious, eyes filling with sorrow again.

Kyungsoo swallowed hard. This was it? They’d worked it all out now and they had to leave each other again? “Well… Jongin, do you – do you think maybe, we don’t… have to say goodbye? Maybe… we could start over?”

Jongin’s eyebrows raised, and Kyungsoo could almost feel the beat his heart skipped.

“Do you mean that?”

“I mean… All over,” Kyungsoo told him. “Leave everything in the past and go right from the start.” It wouldn’t change the things that had happened, and Kyungsoo wouldn’t be able to trust Jongin again. At least not right away. But they could go back, have a complete do-over. Try and rebuild things from the bottom blocks. “I’d be willing to try – if you were.”

Jongin seemed to consider it for a while, likely wondering what exactly starting over consisted of. At last, he answered slowly, “I – could do that.”

They were quiet for a moment, rain crashing in their ears, and then Kyungsoo nodded. Jongin could do it, and so could he. But he really wanted this to be day one for them. So he stood up and hurried away. Jongin’s brow furrowed as he watched Kyungsoo go, but the older only lapped around the tree and then sat back down, holding out his hand.

“Hi,” he said. “I’m Do Kyungsoo.”

Jongin seemed to take a moment to comprehend, and then he laughed. “Did you just walk around the tree and go back in time?” Kyungsoo bit back a grin, and then Jongin took his hand, shaking it firmly, a smile wide on his own face.

“I’m Kim Jongin. It’s nice to meet you.”

.

.

.

A/n: Oh gosh, we've reached the end! This is the end! It's not over but it's the end. Kaisoo ended up together after all, sort of. As of the final words, they aren't actually together. They just met. But maybe one day they'll be together. So... Happy ending? I dunno, this was a lot in one chapter and it might a lot but I'm really tired so I can't even tell ㅠㅠ

Anyway, after six and a half months of writing, this fic has reached it's end, although there will be more and there might even be more after that! So don't unsub just yet unless you want to miss the epic post-endings! (It probably won't be that epic. There will be an epilogue, and then I might write some one-shots of what's happening in Kaisoo's life, but I will make no promises on the one-shots. If you guys really want me to write more things, I might. If you are like oh gosh no more, just let it die, then I shall stop ㅋㅋ I've got other fics to write anyway, so I won't be that upset. The epilogue will happen though!)

Gosh. I can't believe it's finally done. (And it's not even done ㅠㅠ) We've all gone through much together, and I'm glad you've stuck around to this point. You don't have to put up with my anymore now! ~~~ Although if you want to (shameless self-promotion), I'm writing other fics, being Category 9, Book of Memories (though I've been trying to finish Miscalc so I haven't written for that one in ages. I'll be updating it somewhat more now!), and a third fic that I won't be publishing until it's finished (and I haven't actually started it yet; I was also waiting to finish Miscalc for that one). And if you never wish to read my writing again, thank you for reading this fic and enjoy your life! <3