They gave up on their homework eventually and then went to have dinner with Jongin’s family. Everyone was very nice to Kyungsoo but he sort of felt like they all kept looking at him funny, especially Jongin’s older sisters. They kept smiling at him strangely and Kyungsoo for the second time that day felt like a secret was being withheld from him. He supposed this must be a thing that ran in Jongin’s family.

After they ate, Jongin dragged Kyungsoo along by the hand to the basement. There was a huge TV and several gaming systems surrounded by shelves upon shelves of movies and video games. An L-shaped, black leather couch that could probably fit ten people sat in the middle of the room. The room was small but comfortable – and very cold. Kyungsoo wished he hadn’t left his sweater in Jongin’s room.

“I never play video games,” Kyungsoo said, letting go of Jongin’s hand to go admire the various systems. There was a small stack of games beside a thin, white system box and Kyungsoo picked them up, flicking through them. He paused at the third one, giving a quiet laugh and holding it up to show Jongin. “Mario Kart?”

“Hey, Mario Kart is the best,” Jongin defended teasingly with a grin. “Mostly my little sister makes me play it with her, really. I have cooler games, just not for that system. Wiis are for more childish games usually.”

Kyungsoo wasn’t overly familiar with gaming systems, but since the white system had Wii written on it, he assumed that was the one Jongin referred to. “I wanna play.” He held the game out to Jongin and Jongin raised an eyebrow before chuckling.

“I guess I’m not so surprised,” he sighed, walking around the couch and taking the game from the boy. In a moment he had the game running, and Kyungsoo took a place on the couch. And though the couch was huge, Jongin sat right beside him. He handed Kyungsoo a remote in a wheel-shaped case, and then they began to play.

Kyungsoo figured it would be easy – control a character in their kart around a track, try to beat everyone else. But the tracks were complicated and any time they went over a bridge or a bouncy mushroom he would fall off and end up in the back of the race again. On top of that there were banana peels and turtle shells that people would throw at each other, amongst other things. At the end of the first race Kyungsoo was seventh of twelve, Jongin in first place.

“It’s your first time playing, hyung,” Jongin said lightly at Kyungsoo’s disappointed face. “You’ll get better.” He didn’t see any improvement though, always ending up in the worse half of the ranks. After a dozen tracks he was ready to give up, and then somehow he got fourth place.

“I’m fourth!” he cried out before he could stop himself. It was just a game but it felt like an accomplishment.

“Good job hyung!”

“Says the guy who’s been first every race,” Kyungsoo returned, and his high slipped away.

“Hey when I first played this game it took me hours to get in the top six,” Jongin told him. “I was a lot worse than you.”

Kyungsoo shrugged. “I don’t wanna play anymore. I probably won’t be able to get that good again.”

Jongin laughed. “You wanna play something else?” When Kyungsoo shook his head, he turned off the system. “What now then?”

“This was all your idea,” Kyungsoo said. “You should’ve planned things out.”

“I kind of asked you here on a whim,” Jongin admitted. “And I didn’t think you’d actually come.”

“Why do you bother asking me at all if you think I’ll say no?”

“Because sometimes you say yes. You’re here aren’t you?”

Kyungsoo didn’t say anything more and Jongin flipped through channels until he found a random cartoon show. They sat there quietly for a while until Jongin started up a conversation with him. It wasn’t about school or anything seemingly relevant. Like Sehun used to do, it was just random.

“Hey hyung, what’s it like not having siblings?”

“What? Uh, I don’t know. I never really thought about it.”

“It must be nice,” Jongin sighed enviously. “Three sisters… they’ll drive you nuts.”

“I imagine it would be nice, to have more family support.” Kyungsoo wondered if he would be different if he had an older sister or brother that they would have kept him in line, not let him be such a all the time; or if he had a younger sibling that they would’ve made him more positive because he would’ve wanted to be a role model. But he was alone; he had no one to make him a better person, no one to go to with his problems or talk to about things. Sure he had his parents, but there was a generation gap there. Maybe Kyungsoo’s lack of siblings had made him so determined to be completely independent. And Jongin, with three siblings, was so social. Just how much do siblings contribute to one’s life?

“I’ll switch you,” Jongin joked. “Trust me, it’s not as great as it might seem.”

“Dually noted,” Kyungsoo returned.

“Can you imagine, though,” Jongin said, changing the subject suddenly. “If all women’s menstrual cycles were aligned?”

Kyungsoo was taken aback. Did he just use the term menstrual cycle? “Where did that thought come from?”

“Just… When my sisters have their time of the month, it’s terrible. And usually they have some overlap time so there’s a few days when they’re both on it and…” He shuddered dramatically. “I mean, if every woman was like that at the same time every month, I feel like the male population would just slowly start decreasing.”

Kyungsoo snorted. “Is this what you think about? Do you talk to your friends about these things?”

“No. They’d think I was crazy and they’d be immature about it.”

“So have you just been waiting for the right time to bring that up to me because you think I’ll be mature about it?”

“No!” Jongin smiled, but his face flushed pink. “I just thought about it now, I swear!” Kyungsoo smirked at Jongin being flustered and Jongin punched his shoulder. They returned to silence again but it didn’t feel uncomfortable, at least not to Kyungsoo. Jongin shifted though, and then again, and then he sighed. Then abruptly he lay down, not giving any warning, resting his head on Kyungsoo’s thigh.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo objected, pushing on the boy’s shoulder lightly. Jongin didn’t move, instead rolling on his back to look up at Kyungsoo and smiling. Kyungsoo crossed his arms.

“You’re comfortable, hyung,” he smiled. “Your legs are squishy. In a nice way.”

“Not all of us are super-muscular,” Kyungsoo said, biting his lower lip to hold back a pout. Jongin was bringing up one of his insecurities; but Jongin didn’t know that and he didn’t want to show a reaction.

“That’s not a bad thing,” Jongin assured him. “I like how you are; soft. You wouldn’t be the same if you were all built – you’re nice like this.”

“You don’t mean that,” Kyungsoo muttered. He’s just lying to make you feel better. He feels bad for you.

“I do! Really. Half my friends are hard-muscled. There’s nothing wrong with it but it gets boring after a while, and it’s… When you’re not as built it makes you – I dunno, gentler, warmer. Like I would never want to cuddle with Kris because one, that’d be weird as hell, but also because it would be terribly uncomfortable.”

You’re the same way, Kyungsoo thought. “But you don’t mind cuddling with me?”

“No,” Jongin answered immediately. “You’re perfect for cuddling.”

Kyungsoo felt himself growing warm with embarrassment. “Why do you say things like that?”

Jongin stared up at him for a while, and Kyungsoo only blushed more.

“Because I like you, hyung.”

Remembering Jongin’s text, Kyungsoo asked quietly, “You – you said that earlier. What does that mean?”

“I like you,” Jongin repeated. “I like being around you, I like talking to you. I want to see you all the time. I want to hold your hand, and make you laugh, and hold you when you cry, even if you never want me to see you crying. For the past month every morning waking up without you there feels so lonely; until your birthday, I didn’t know how great it was to feel your body next to mine. I want to wake up with you every day. I want to kiss you. But I won’t, of course. I know you don’t want me to. I know I’m pushing it just by laying here, just by having you here. I won’t do anything without you saying it’s okay.”

Kyungsoo grew quiet, and then asked, “How do you know? How do you know what I want? You never even ask me.”

Jongin sat up, throwing his legs over the side of the couch and pulling himself closer to Kyungsoo. “What does that mean?” he asked, eyes desperate. Kyungsoo didn’t answer. He didn’t know why he had said it. Because he hated when people just assumed things about him and he had to open his big mouth. He hadn’t thought about what he was saying until it was already out. “Kyungsoo, what does that mean? Can I kiss you?”

A bit shocked, Kyungsoo felt his eyes widen. “I – I didn’t mean-”

Jongin seemed to deflate. “Right. I know.” He sunk back into the back of the couch and a horribly awkward tension grew between them. Don’t feel guilty. There’s no reason to be guilty. Don’t-

“It’s not a big deal.”

“Huh?”

Kyungsoo’s heart started pounding, and he internally was fighting himself. Don’t you dare even think about this. Oh calm down, it’s not the end of the world. Do you even realize what you’re saying? Do you really want to do that? What the hell is wrong with you? He likes me. That makes him so easy to play with. That’s not why you’re – no. Don’t try and turn it around, this is all about you and has nothing to do with him-

“I just mean… My – my first kiss was already taken and it really wasn’t anything special. If you, you know – if you wanted to…” Listen to yourself! Listen to what you’re saying! You are offering to let Kim Jongin kiss you right now. Stop this you idiot! Just shut up now!

Jongin’s eyes were wide and he was leaning forward again. “Hyung…” He stared, still not touching Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo couldn’t speak anymore, feeling a lump in his throat that wouldn’t allow words past. “Can I kiss you?”

The words were repeated, barely audible. No! No, no, no, NO! His heart was racing, and he swallowed thickly before giving the tiniest nod. He felt his hands shaking and clenched them into fists as Jongin’s fingers slipped under his chin. Kyungsoo’s mind was screaming at him and he didn’t know why he was allowing this, why he wasn’t saying no, why he wouldn’t stop it. Jongin gently pulled their faces closer, his lips parted, and Kyungsoo kept his eyes on his. But Jongin’s eyes were on Kyungsoo’s mouth, staring longingly as he seemed to be torturing himself, inching them closer. When Kyungsoo could feel Jongin’s breath ghosting across his own lips, he closed his eyes. Don’t close your eyes, make this stop!

He felt pressure, soft and wet against his lips, sending waves tingling through his nerves. Jongin’s lips were gentle, tenderly moving against Kyungsoo’s, who was frozen. He moved slowly, and his hand moved to the back of Kyungsoo’s neck, carefully pulling Kyungsoo closer and tilting his own head to deepen the kiss. After another moment Kyungsoo felt himself cautiously testing the movement of his own lips, pressing back against Jongin’s mouth and feeling a flutter rush through him as a result. Feeling a reaction Jongin became more intense, giving a gasp and parting Kyungsoo’s lips with his own. His teeth scraped lightly against Kyungsoo’s lower lip and then he began to kiss him again, and Kyungsoo’s mind was going white with an overcapacity of desire. He reached his hands up to Jongin’s chest, pushing firmly.

“I think – we should stop,” Kyungsoo gasped when Jongin pulled back. Holy hell. His heart was pounding in his ears. The feeling was messing with his head – the feeling of someone’s lips on his own; the thoughts, desires it gave him… He hadn’t realized… It felt so good.

Jongin leaned back in and Kyungsoo squeezed his eyes shut, not even resisting him. But his lips only brushed against Kyungsoo’s cheek. When Kyungsoo opened his eyes again he saw Jongin smiling, and then the boy lay back down on Kyungsoo’s lap. His eyes closed. Kyungsoo shivered, but he didn’t think it was from the cold.

They didn’t say anything else, but Kyungsoo was breaking out with goosebumps and he supposed it was his increased sensitivity that was making him more susceptible to the cold. Jongin noticed his shivering and sat up to pull off his sweater, giving it to Kyungsoo.

“No – don’t,” Kyungsoo protested. “You’ll get cold-”

“I’m fine hyung,” Jongin said softly. “I’m used to it down here, it doesn’t bother me.” Kyungsoo reluctantly pulled the sweater over his head and Jongin’s head was already rested on his leg when he was done. They didn’t speak again and soon Jongin was dozing off, so Kyungsoo reached for the remote, trying not to stir the boy, and changed the TV to the history channel.

He couldn’t focus on the show though. His mind was thinking over their kiss. The way it felt… It was better than what he remembered of his first kiss. Maybe because Jongin wasn’t drunk and messy, maybe he had more experience than the girl. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Jongin wanted to kiss him. Whatever it was, it had made it better. Is this gonna become some addiction for me? He kind of thought he wouldn’t mind if he did.

Eventually, Kyungsoo nodded off.

“

Jongin woke up, Kyungsoo’s thigh as his pillow, the TV whispering in his ear. He squinted at it, making out the shapes of sepia-shaded soldiers – a war show? Had Kyungsoo put this on? Jongin glanced up at the boy and saw his head nodded forward, rested on his shoulder, eyes closed and lips slightly parted. Sleeping.

Jongin got to his feet silently, then very carefully lifted the small boy off the couch, holding Kyungsoo against his shoulder so his neck wouldn’t lull back and wake him up. Then Jongin slipped upstairs and up to his room, gently placing Kyungsoo on his bed and pulling the blankets over him up to his chin. He stared at Kyungsoo’s peaceful face and leaned down, pressing his lips to Kyungsoo’s temple.

“Goodnight, hyung,” he breathed. He longed to stay there and lay next Kyungsoo, snuggle with him until he fell asleep and then wake up with the smaller in his arms. But he wouldn’t. He didn’t know if Kyungsoo would get mad at him. Even if he did let me kiss him; don’t even think about that.

That kiss would haunt him for the rest of his life. Because he had no idea what Kyungsoo’s motives were, why he let him. Why he kissed him back. Jongin wanted to believe Kyungsoo liked him. But he couldn’t. Not until Kyungsoo said so. So he left Kyungsoo, taking a sweater from his closet and returning to the basement to go sleep on the couch.

The next time he woke up it was by Kyungsoo, who shook him awake.

“What?” Jongin grumbled, half-asleep. He shivered. He had lied to Kyungsoo about being cold – the basement was just as bad for him.

“Come on.”

“What?” Jongin repeated. He sat up, staring at the boy in confusion.

Kyungsoo grabbed his hand, tugging on it. “You’re freezing. You can’t sleep down here,” he whispered insistently. Jongin let the boy lead him upstairs, back to his room. Kyungsoo pushed him gently towards the bed. “Get in,” Kyungsoo ordered him. “Go to sleep.”

Jongin was too out of it to argue, and climbed into the warmth of the covers. Then he reached for Kyungsoo, pulling him in beside him. “Stay,” Jongin almost begged. Kyungsoo sighed and slipped in with him.

“You’re so warm,” Jongin whispered as he took Kyungsoo’s hand again. Kyungsoo just closed his eyes.

“It’s just because you’re cold,” he said quietly.

“Kyungsoo…”

“Mm?”

Jongin stared at the boy who had his eyes closed. Kyungsoo’s face was still stressed, not calm as it was in sleep, but he was still beautiful as always. “I... I told you I like you. I mean it.”

“I believe you,” Kyungsoo sighed.

“Just… I was wondering-”

“No,” Kyungsoo said immediately, opening his eyes. “I don’t like you back.”

“… Oh.”

“I – I really just hate you, but-”

Jongin’s heart sunk. “I think you’ve said enough with the ‘I hate you’ part,” he sighed. “I get it hyung.”

“If you would let me finish,” Kyungsoo said slowly. “I mostly just hate you. But some small part of me says you’re okay. I… I think it’s the part of me that’s desperate,” he confessed, looking away from Jongin’s eyes. “The part that misses Sehun and is looking for the space he left to be filled. I hate myself for it, but I miss him. I miss him talking endlessly about absolutely nothing and absolutely everything. I miss his babyish pouting and whining. I miss him holding my hand and hugging me and cuddling me when we would sleep.”

His eyes returned to Jongin’s, to see if he was judging him. The boy was watching him, eyes dark. “I know you think I’m in love with him – I know it sounds like I’m in love with him – but I wasn’t, and I’m not. I love him, yes; he’s – he was – my best friend for five years, and before that… I was the way I am now; I really had no one. I didn’t care, but then he came along and didn’t care that I was rude and arrogant or that we had no common interests; he just knew I was alone and he was so annoyingly insistent on changing that. And you’re just like that. So I guess I put up with you because that’s what I always did with him.

“But I don’t want to be friends with people just because they feel bad for me,” he continued, and Jongin didn’t know where this had come from, how he’d started the boy on this rant, but he wouldn’t stop him. The boy was opening up to him, and Jongin wasn’t going to ruin that. “I don’t want friends I put up with, and who put up with me. I want friends who like me. The way Minseok and Luhan used to be… they always got along, never got angry with each other, they had so much in common. That’s what I want. And I’m afraid I’ll never find that.”

Kyungsoo’s chest was tightening as he admitted this, because he hadn’t even consciously realized this fear. And now he had started he couldn’t stop. He’d almost forgotten Jongin was there for a moment. “I don’t tell people because they’ll think I’m weak; I shouldn’t tell you because you’ll think I’m weak. You, of all people, you say one word and the whole world could come down on me because you’re at the top of the food chain. But some tiny piece of me just keeps arguing that I can trust you. Maybe because you can’t say anything without compromising yourself; maybe it’s because you’re like him – like Sehun. Maybe it’s something else…

“I don’t know anymore, Jongin. There’s just so much I don’t know anymore. And it’s your fault,” Kyungsoo shot at him defensively because that was all he knew when he felt that vulnerability sinking in. “I never doubted myself until you came along. I don’t know if it would all stop if you were gone or if somehow it would get worse. Lately I just… I feel like you’re a constant – like you’re the only thing left that I do know, but I don’t even know how I know that…” He trailed off for a moment, and Jongin squeezed his hand.

“I’ve just lost everything. I think I’m losing my mind too. But you’re still here… If I lose you – I say that like I have you to lose; maybe I want to believe I do…” His heart clenched, throat feeling closed off. All he could think was, Nothing’s keeping Jongin here either. “If I lose you, I feel like I won’t have anything left. I know it’s stupid, irrational. It’s fear, that’s how fear works. It gets in and then it eats you alive. And it’s wearing me away to nothing… I’m so afraid of being nothing…”

Kyungsoo gave Jongin a smile as tears began to fall from his eyes. “I know I’m pathetic,” he laughed sadly. Jongin pulled Kyungsoo into him, hugging him tightly.

“No you’re not,” he promised. “You’re not, you’re really not. You’re not pathetic and you’re not nothing either.” He turned his head to kiss Kyungsoo’s hair, glad when Kyungsoo didn’t pull away but buried his face in Jongin’s neck. Jongin felt the wetness of tears on his skin.

“I don’t know why I told you all that,” Kyungsoo mumbled, sniffling. “I just – wanted to say I don’t hate you entirely – and then I just… because of Sehun, you’re like him – and I thought of him – and he’s gone and it scares me because – everything is so messed up – my whole life is just so messed up-”

Jongin just held him.

“

Minseok knew he wasn’t doing well in soccer any more even if Jongdae promised that he still thought he was great. He couldn’t concentrate with Luhan there, with Sehun cheering him on, with the pair of them who were so in love with each other and not caring in any way about Minseok. He thought a lot about quitting, and he hated that because he loved soccer. But he didn’t love soccer as much when it wasn’t him and Luhan. And he certainly didn’t love it when Luhan was there hating him. Every time he talked to Jongdae about it though, Jongdae talked him out of it.

However when their coach told them about their huge tournament in China – the tournament they had every year, and won every year – Minseok went to him about backing out. He couldn’t do it.

The coach of course wouldn’t have it. “I know you’re in a bit of a rut right now but I’m not taking you off the team. If you don’t want to go to the tournament, I won’t press it. Take some time off to recompose and come back after China, alright?”

Minseok wouldn’t argue it. He had two weeks off and that was two weeks he wouldn’t have to see Luhan. Or so he thought.

The first day he wasn’t at practice Luhan came in to the cafeteria at the end of lunch, eyes scanning the room and landing on Minseok. His doe eyes became wide with surprise, but then they darkened and he clung to his boyfriend. At the end of the week he seemed to have taken all he could, and when he came in at lunch he was Sehun-free and headed straight for Minseok.

“We need to talk.” His voice was ice-cold.

“Then talk,” Minseok returned coldly.

“Alone,” Luhan hissed. Minseok looked to Jongdae who shrugged as if to say, It’s up to you. Minseok decided to go with Luhan who walked out of the cafeteria and down to an empty hallway.

“What the hell Minseok?” He spun around, glare deadly. “You’re quitting us right before the tournament?”

“I’m not quitting,” Minseok mumbled. “I’m coming back.”

“But not for the tournament!” Luhan was almost yelling.

“Why do you care? I’m not even any good for the team anymore anyway.”

“I know you’re still good,” Luhan snapped. “Are you actually so pathetic that you’re gonna bail just because of me? Do you really hate me that much?”

“Are you kidding me? You’re blaming me?!” Minseok shouted. “It’s not my fault that every day I have to watch you with Sehun when I’m the one who’s supposed to-”

He caught himself, but too slow. “Supposed to what? What are you supposed to be doing exactly? Being my best friend? Because you haven’t been now for months. You don’t even talk to me. You’re too busy with Jongdae’s down your throat!”

“Yeah, and you’re too caught up in Sehun!”

“Well maybe I wouldn’t be if my best friend hadn’t gone and stabbed me in the back!”

“I didn’t make you date him and turn on me!”

“I wasn’t dating him when you me!” Luhan emphasized the word you by pushing Minseok back into the wall. Minseok’s neck snapped back and he smacked his head off the bricks. He gasped, hand flying to the back of his skull. “Oh – Minseok, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s fine,” Minseok waved him off, eyes watering. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll be back on the team after the tournament.”

“Baoz- Minseok, wait!” Luhan grabbed his wrist as he started walking away. “Come back to the team, please. We need you at the tournament.”

Minseok’s tearful eyes met Luhan’s and Luhan wanted to kiss his tears away but he couldn’t let him know that. So he just tried to desperately tell him without words how much he needed him.

And he was so grateful when Minseok nodded.

A/n: Things are going to change. Things. Are. Going. To. Change. Oh boy I hope you are all excited for the future because things are getting exciting. Okay that's all I'll try to calm down now. I'm excited for the next chapter though :) Hope you're all enjoying this!