Zhang Yixing woke up gasping for air. He looked around and relieved to see that it was only his friends and not his midnight terror. “Are you okay?” Kim Minseok asked worriedly. The other could only nod and smile; hoping that they could be rest assured.
Another night; another nightmare. “You were screaming,” whispered a soft voice. Huang Zitao stared at his friend that was lying on the couch with sweat dripping down his face. The dancer closed his eyes and replied with sleep still in his voice, “I'm fine. Just another nightmare.”
It was not just another nightmare. It was the same that has been repeating over and over for the past two years. He hasn't told a single person about what actually occurred in his nightmares. He didn't want to scare anyone off. He could feel Luhan's stare and it was burying a hole deep down in his soul. “I'm fine. I'm alright, Lu,” he tiredly stated.
“You know that you can tell us anything, right?” Luhan, a baby faced man, asked. However, the other man stayed quiet and looked out the window. It wasn't as bad as before but when summer came, the terrors become more vivid and louder. At this point, it scared him during the day. He would fidget and shuffle around. Once in a while, he would rub his wrists making them burn like crackling fire.
Kim Jongdae stated, “We're here for you.”His group of friends left him alone in his solitude in hopes to clear his mind. Just a bit.
On a different couch, a blonde male sat there staring at Yixing. The tall male cleared his throat, “You can tell me things too. Don't hide us in the dark.” It startled the other male as he didn't even realize there was someone else. “I'm sorry I didn't notice you there,” he whispered with his eyes widened.
It was this particular person that he was unwilling to share his thoughts with. Maybe he would tell his friends some day. However, with Wu Yifan, he would rather keep it a secret. If he has to, he would bring it to his grave.
They have been dating for a good three years now. They had a cute relationship with the taller one being very shy and conservative whereas Yixing was always willing to try out new things and very loud. When it came to his terrors though, he was quiet about it.
A month later..
“I can't do this! I cannot do this!” a brunette came bursting through the door of Minseok's apartment. Tears running down his cheeks and his eyes painted with red.
Everyone looked at him with wide eyes and there was an uncomfortable silence with the exception of panting and wheezing. He was drenched in sweat and he sputtered harshly, “I'm sor – I don't – I can't.” Luhan took his hand and led him to a chair, “What's wrong, Yixing?”
Four pair of eyes stared at him. All Yixing did was talk the moment the question was asked. “Two Christmases ago, I – I was touched inappropriately by someone. He wasn't even drunk and he did it. A few days before that too, he came into my bedroom and touched me. I didn't tell a soul. I couldn't – I couldn't – I couldn't – I couldn't,” Yixing stammered fiddling with his thumbs.
Zitao got up and placed his hand on his friend's shoulder in hopes to comfort him. He flinched instead but he continued, “I couldn't hold it in. I broke down and told my mom. I ran up in the bathroom to shower. To go cry. After a while, I was in bedroom curled up and crying. Then, he came into my bedroom and he yelled and screamed. He started feeling me up and I cried some more. I texted my mom for help when I got the chance. It felt like hours.”
He sniffled and rubbed his nose with the ends of his sleeves. “She came in bursting through the doors to see him hovering me. She grabbed him and got him out of my room. Next thing I knew, my mom sat next to me and held my hands. The only thing I remember from that night was her telling me that she fought for love.”
“I'm dirty. I don't deserve love. After all this happened,” he continued slowly, “They pretended as if it never happened. I didn't call the police because I knew what my mom went through. For countless years, she sought for a lover. For someone to have by her side. I wish I was dead all the time. They're still together.”
He closed his eyes, “I'm tired of this nightmare. It haunts me all the time whether I like it or not. It's a scar that can't be seen because it's on my heart. And I'm so tired. So sick and tired of it all.”
Yixing got up from his chair and looked at the wall, “I just had to tell someone. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry but can you keep this from Yifan? I'll tell him soon. Don't worry. He probably wouldn't want me now.” He turned around only to bump into his lover's chest. When Yixing looked up, all he saw was tears falling. Yixing gasped as he didn't want Yifan to know.
The taller man weeped and weeped, “I should have been there to protect you. I should have -” He was interrupted by Yixing crying, “I'm sorry. I'm not good. You shouldn't love me.”
“I'll love you for a long time. You're perfect to me. I love you. Don't leave me,” Yifan cried as he circled his arms around Yixing. It was then everyone else came in and hugged him.
“We love you no matter what.”