O c t o b e r   2 7,   2 0 1 1

 

 

 

 I find myself playing the guitar in front of a large crowd on the same stage where Baekhyun sang two years ago.

I’m singing the song that was meant for him; the song I sang a year ago on the same stage on the same date.

This was neither a hobby nor a task. Rather, this is what I love. I love composing songs and playing the guitar. Music had been my energizer for years; not until I fell in love. And now, it’s music and Baekhyun.

People were cheering; smiling faces fills the room but everything was a blur.

It was my last performance in this university. Maybe even my last in Korea.

And I’m putting everything on this. And I hope my music—my voice reaches him.

At the last note, I open my eyes, I cling helplessly at the last little bit of hope crawling out of my heart. I pray, wishing I could see the only man I loved all these years.

My heart beat continues to rise and fall. And slowly I open my eyes.

 

But he’s not there.

Baekhyun’s not there.

 

 

November 27, 2010

 

A day after I confessed to Baekhyun, I feel like stuck in a state of sleep, but instead, I’m experiencing a nightmare.

Everything was left unanswered. Baekhyun never attended his final exams.

Baekhyun never enrolled the following semester. We will never graduate together.

I have never seen Baekhyun since the day I confessed to him.

 

“Hey, buddy, cheer up.” Jongin pats my shoulder as he handed me a can of beer.

“Have fun, Yeol.” Kyungsoo smiles softly. “It’s your birthday. You deserve to be happy.”

Kyungsoo really was the best in forming sentences. I deserve to be happy, I know, but I can’t. My sadness rises from my own decisions and it’s not because Baekhyun left. And it’s not because I haven’t seen Baekhyun in a month.

Things had been going smoothly. I’ll graduate in a few months and have been offered a job—my dream job.  

I should be happy.

Jongin purse his lips, trying to put up his best smile. But I’m best at reading other people--except Baekhyun. You see, when you’re madly in love, everything shuts down. You have the fear of being rejected that’s why you push all the positive thoughts away. You should always push away the thought of them, loving you back.

And Jongin knows something.

I know.

“I’m happy. Both of you are here.” I give them my widest smile.

Kyungsoo left to get the cake. Jongin looked at me.

“Chanyeol.”

I’m very eager to know what Jongin has to say. He was my only connection to Baekhyun.

 

“Forget hyung.”

My biggest fan was Jongin. When he found out I was in love with his brother, his smile was the brightest. He encouraged me to give it a try and supported me all the way. He was the happiest.

So his words were like a nuclear bomb that just detonated.

I hear Kyungsoo sing the happy birthday song, but the words sound distorted. My eyes lock into Jongin’s round ones. His eyes emit sadness and guilt.

Kyungsoo still sings.

“No.” A single word vibrate through the room to cut Kyungsoo’s song.

I could never forget Baekhyun. But if the price of all of this is him running away, then I’m willing to shut down my feelings. I want to revert everything back to way it was before.

I don’t want to wake up every day knowing he’s not around.

I want to see him smile.

I want to hear him sing.

I don’t care if he wants someone else.

I don’t care if I see him kissing another guy. I don’t care if he ignores me.

I just want him near me. I want to see him.

 

This problem will not be solved by just forgetting. It’s the stupidest way to deal with problems. It’s better to love him secretly than to spend my everyday without him in it.

I blame myself.  I should have never confessed in the first place.

Confusion. Everything that involves around Baekhyun confuses me. Why did he run away when I confessed to him? Why did he leave without a word? If he hates me, then he should’ve just told me. If he doesn’t want me, then he can say it right to my face but he doesn’t. The question had been hanging for so long.

Or is it just me clinging to a little piece of hope, hidden in all of this?

“I’m sorry, Chanyeol. I should have told you this days ago.” Jongin cuts my trance as he slump his body on the couch.

“Jongin.” I heard Kyungsoo whisper as if telling the boy to shut up. His tone warns to prepare ourself for yet another heartbreak.

“Hyung left Korea.”

Fear start to crawl inside me. The sadness was overwhelming, but nothing can compare to the feeling I suffered when Jongin handed me a familiar box.

“ you, Jongin. It’s his birthday.” Harsh words comes out from Kyungsoo’s mouth.

 

I open the box with hands trembling. I walk slowly into my room, heart rapidly beating with fear.

Tears start to fall as I slowly open the case revealing a familiar piece of silver.

Baekhyun returned my gift.

On that night, it’s the first time in my entire life I cried myself to sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

December 23, 2010

Kyungsoo and Jongin comfortably sit on the couch when I arrive in my shared apartment with Kyungsoo. It has been more than a year since we moved here. I still remember how Baekhyun helped us set up the flat and how he designed my room.

Mom got a job outside Korea, so we sold our house and got me an apartment, which Kyungsoo happily agreed to rent the other room.

Now, I wish we never really bought this. Too much Baekhyun moment lingering at every corner.

The way he and Kyungsoo bossed us around, giving orders to clean or lift something up. How he managed to cook dinner whenever he felt like coming to sleep over. The way we spent karaoke nights. Sometimes, I blame myself, maybe if I hadn’t confess, everything will be the same liked it used to be. Maybe today, as I enter the apartment, Baekhyun will be the one greeting me with chips and sodas. But no—Baekhyun’s not here.

 

“Hey there, buddy.” I hear Jongin. “Come on. Let’s eat.”

“Not hungry.” I weakly reply.

“You have to eat; you lost too much weight, Chanyeol.” Kyungsoo backfires.

“I’m just not in the mood to eat.” I slowly walk to my room.

“Hyung is in China.” Jongin announces. 

I pause after hearing the news, but I continue walking to my room. I hear Kyungsoo’s voice screaming at Jongin telling him he should have just kept his mouth shut.

I’m not angry at Jongin. In fact, I’m grateful because he keeps me updated that Baekhyun is safe and is still alive somewhere.

For a month, I am barely holding on.

I slowly crawl into bed as the smile escapes my lips and tears fall from my eyes.

 

 

Love is bittersweet.

Baekhyun is safe. But Baekhyun’s not here.

I love him. But does he feel the same way?

I shut my eyes, not wanting to think of the answer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

February 14, 2011

 

“I think you should move on, Chanyeol.”

Kyungsoo, out of the blue, utters during breakfast. I did not answer. I never did.

Every time Kyungsoo starts a conversation about Baekhyun, I always avoided answering. Either I make up an excuse to go to my room or the bathroom, I fake a phone call or suddenly practice my rap or plainly disregard the question.

“It’s been months, Chanyeol.”

“I need to go to the bathroom.” I say as my voice shakes.

“You can’t keep running, Chanyeol!” I never hear Kyungsoo raise his voice at me. I was startled.

“For ’s sake, Chanyeol, Baekhyun ran away from you! You confessed to him, but he ran away without giving you a word. Doesn’t that count as a rejection? Chanyeol, you’re wasting your life! Don’t wait for someone who honestly doesn’t want to be with you!” Kyungsoo’s eyes are now in tears.

“I need to hear it from him.”

“It’s been months, Chanyeol. Months.” Kyungsoo bursts out crying.

I don’t want my best friend to cry. Especially because he’s crying over me. He feels my pain, but time will not stop me from loving Baekhyun. I tried so hard to let go of what I’m feeling—to forget Baekhyun entirely.

I don’t care if he ran away without saying anything. I don’t care if he pushed me away when I tried to hug him. I don’t care if after I said I love him, he shook his head and said no. I don’t care if he returned my ring. I don’t care if he doesn’t love me, because I love him without accepting any in return. I love him not because I am thinking he’ll love me back. I love him because I love him. I love him because he’s Baekhyun.

 

“You have to stop Chanyeol. Don’t waste your time loving someone who doesn’t love you back. It hurts to see you like this.” Kyungsoo continues crying.

 

“But you also did that, Kyungsoo.” I tell him. Kyungsoo looks at me, confused.

“Years ago, you love someone without expecting him to love you in return.” I explain. “And in those years, Kyungsoo, I saw you laugh, cry, and get angry. But you are the happiest when you love.”

Kyungsoo looks at me while sobbing continuously.

“You loved Jongin. You loved him from afar; Still, you loved him unconditionally.” I smile at him and pat his shoulders before turning around to proceed to the bathroom.

“I remember you telling me before when I asked why you love Jongin. Back then, I didn’t understand a thing about love. You said, love is at its peak if it is unrequited. Because in that way, you love selflessly and you give your all without wanting any in return.”

“I’m doing it now. It doesn’t really matter if Baekhyun doesn’t love me. I will always be happy that Baekhyun entered my life and I fell in love with him. I don’t want to fall in love with anybody else.”

I walk towards the bathroom, shut the door, open the shower, and cry my heart out.

 

 

 

 

 

March 25, 2011

 

 “Hyung returned to Korea.”

 

 

 

 

 

April 12, 2011

 

 “Write a song for the one you love, Chanyeol.”

 

The last words of my father echo in my mind. It’s been 12 years since he died, but he left us with a smile.

 

My father was a composer and he writes beautiful melodies. I remember him saying that his perfect work was not his song, but me, his son. He taught me how to play the guitar and I loved everything about it. At a young age, I started composing songs and my father will listen to them intently.

 

 “I’ll make you proud, Appa.” Beaming widely and my father would always respond, “I’m sure of it,”

The best times were spent with my dad.

 

It was November when I was offered a composing job in China. They said it was just a start; a training. And after a few years, I can be a solo artist composing my own songs. It was my dream come true.

 

My father’s dream.

 

I was meant to be training in one of the biggest entertainment company in China. Job offers had been continuous as I graduated with honors. Contract signing was set last March 25, 2011.

 

But, no contract signing happened.

 

Baekhyun is in Korea and I’m staying here.

 

 

 

 

 

May 21, 2011

 

Two months had passed since Jongin announced that Baekhyun’s back in Korea. I had never seen him. I didn’t catch any trace of Baekhyun anywhere.

 

But somewhat, I feel calm. Baekhyun’s in Korea and it now raised my chance to see him again. There’s a growing hope that everything will be back to normal. That’s just what I want. To see him again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

June 18, 2011

 

Still no trace of Baekhyun.

But I know he’s here in Korea. Jongin kept me updated.

 

 

 

 

 

July 1, 2011

 

I was on my way to a job interview—another opportunity to show my talent. I will not spoil this one. Kyungsoo made a special breakfast for good luck and kept it in secret, fearing that Jongin would just eat it all.

 

“Good luck!” Kyungsoo says as he adjusts my tie. “But I know you’ll ace it.”

“Thanks.” I smile a sincere one.

Ever since I learned Baekhyun is back, I felt like one of the thorns pierced through my heart was pulled away. At least he is here. He is near.

The interview went well and the contract signing was set the following week. I felt like I owe a lot to Kyungsoo, so I decide to drop by his favorite cake shop to spoil him with some sweets.

Bells hanging on the door start to ring softly and clear. It was the first time in months that I felt so calm. Savoring the smell of freshly baked cakes, I focus my eyes near the glass counter, scouting some well-designed pastries.

"I’ll have the round blueberry cheesecake, please.” Someone familiar suddenly speaks.

My heart start faltering; I became immobile.

“In a red box. Thank you.”

Bells start to ring as the door of the shop opens then closes.

I was frozen on my spot.

I know that voice. It was the voice tattooed on every part of me. I slowly raise my head and it was too late.

 

The familiar figure just walked out of the door and headed for the red car parked in front of the shop.

I run fast.

 

Baekhyun.

Baekhyun was here.

 

 I run, chasing the car. It was stupid, but I still continue to run. It was one of those moments that I was given a chance to finally see him, talk to him, see him smile—but it didn’t happened.

 

Once again, I lost him.

 

 

 

 

 

August 28, 2011

 

I keep reminding myself that I did not lose Baekhyun; he was not mine to begin with.

 

I keep asking myself why can’t I move on? Why can’t I find the right answers? Why can’t I live a normal life?

 

It all boils down to Baekhyun. The answer to all my questions was Baekhyun.

 

He was not mine. I never lost him. What I lost was the reason for my smiles.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

October 27, 2011

 

A lot of things had happened.

It was the same date last year that I decided to confess to Baekhyun. I just finished my special stage in the university I graduated before I head to America to pursue my further studies in Music.

 

A month ago, I decided to stop waiting. I love Baekhyun and that will never change. Kyungsoo was right, I needed to go away. I needed a life outside Baekhyun.

 

But he will always be in my heart.

 

The job I landed in Korea a few months ago gave me the opportunity to study overseas. I gladly accepted it. It was an honor; it was a chance for a new life.

 

Everything was prepared. The plane tickets and all my bags are packed. Except for my heart.

This was my last day in the apartment. I asked Jongin to stay here solo. Looking at it now, it was different a few years back, but contained a lot of memories.

My eyes wander the apartment for the last time, now half empty. I smile.

I turn around, not wanting to get dragged on by memories.

My heart tightens, unable to breathe.

His eyes pierce through my soul. The look of desperation and guilt rise from those brown eyes. I feel like it’s a dream. My legs tremble but I am frozen on the spot.

No words are spoken. I want to shout. I want to scream. But I did nothing.

The person who gave me the most excruciating year of my life, the person who killed my happiness inside, the person who disappeared a year ago leaving me hanging and longing, is now walking slowly towards me.

On his first step, I want to back out.

On his second step, I want to run.

Another step, I want to push him away. But instead, I feel tears running down my eyes with every step, blurring my vision, clouding my heart.

Then, I felt hot lips onto mine, hungrily savoring every inch of my lips. I can’t process anything as his lips continue to touch mine. Tears still falling, I close my eyes and kiss back while my arms envelop him.

 

I disregard all the times my heart crashed of the pain and the moments where I cry myself to sleep.

 

All I know is that today is the happiest moment of my life, not because I am kissing him but because…

Byun Baekhyun is here.

“Chanyeol.”

His familiar voice resonates in my ears, how I missed those.

“Baekhyun. I… Please don’t leave anymore. Just forget everything I said a year ago. Let’s become friends; if that is what you want. Did I scare you? Did I do too much? Please Baekhyun, don’t leave anymore. I mean, we can start from scratch. Hi, I’m Chanyeol, let’s be friends?”

I keep on insisting that he should just forget about my confession. I don’t want Baekhyun to disappear again. He’s here and I’m happy.

“Baekhyun, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry but I know what I asked was too much, we’re friends and we can keep it that

“SHUT UP PARK CHANYEOL.”

Baekhyun never shouted. But he did. And the little sanity I have left vanished into thin air as Baekhyun presses his lips against mine. The same feeling lurks in my stomach. It hurts so bad. Shivers runs down my spine as I tasted his lips.

“Are you really stupid, Yeol?” Baekhyun hisses in between kisses.

He bit my lower lip letting his tongue have access into my mouth. Slowly, my feelings are at bliss as I savor his lips, his taste.

Breaking the heated kiss, I ask. “Do friends kiss like this?”

I couldn’t respond as Baekhyun deepens the kiss.

“They don’t.”

The kissing stops and our eyes lock. “Friends don’t kiss like that, Chanyeol.” Baekhyun bites his lips. “And why are you saying sorry. It’s my fault. The blame’s on me.”

Tears now fall from his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Chanyeol. I was a coward. I thought this will pass, but it didn’t.”

His soft hands press on my cheeks, cupping my face.

 

“I was so scared back then Chanyeol. I was satisfied with what we have, though I really want to hug you every time you laugh. I want to be the one listening to you playing the guitar. I want to go to the movies with you. I want to hold hands. I want to cuddle. I want to taste your lips. I want everything about you Chanyeol, I really do. It’s just that, I was not sure if accepting my feelings for you will be the right choice.”

After a year in pure solitude, I can’t believe what I was hearing. Baekhyun felt the same way. But why did he disappear?

“Why?”

Still, I’m not prepared for the answer. I know it will not be simple. Our love was not simple.               

 

“I’m dying, Chanyeol.”

Baekhyun looks at me directly into the eye with no hint of hesitation.

“I’m dying.”

Maybe it was the sudden blow in my chest that stopped my tears from falling.

Maybe because the shock was so real that no tears fall. Or maybe because Baekhyun is sobbing madly that I did not have the time to cry again.

I embrace the sobbing man and press him against me tightly.

Or maybe because I was still hoping that this is just a dream.

But it wasn’t.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What I learned from the things that happened is that I’m living a movie. Everything seemed to have a script and the worst case of is happening to me. I don’t want to live like in the movies. I want a normal one with Baekhyun.

 

Baekhyun is dying. Like in the ing movies.

Baekhyun has a rare cancer disease called aphonia. The cancer cells slowly develop in the larynx and if left untreated, cancer cells will slowly crawl into his body and eventually to his brain leading to his death. He was diagnosed when he was still in high school.

Baekhyun’s most treasured possession is his voice.

I never dream of a melodramatic life.

He was given a choice: Either to proceed with the treatment but may result to being mute or keep his voice but would last only a few more years.

Years ago, Baekhyun was happy with his decision.

He said, he’s never been so sure.

He chose the latter.

 

 

 

Baekhyun sleeps for 30 minutes.

I stay awake watching him. I fear of being alone.

I watch as the boy sobs in sleep. Things run through my mind like a movie—flashes of film reels continuously unravel. Questions unanswered, questions unfolded. Watching Baekhyun sleep, I still can’t believe that after a year, he’s here again. But is it a good thing?

Baekhyun slowly opens his eyes.

“Hey.” I smile and caress his hair, my fingers trace his face.

“Hey.” He shyly mumbles.

No one spoke for a few minutes. We just us look into each other’s eyes. This is perfect.

“I’m sorry.” He ends the moment. I did not speak, I let him be. Explanations are needed, questions needed to be filled up.

“I’m sorry I left.” His voice cracks at every word. Baekhyun jumps out of bed and hugs me while tears run down from his eyes.

 

“I’m sorry, Chanyeol. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry I left you hanging. I’m sorry I ran that day. I don’t know what to do Chanyeol. I’m dying and I don’t want you to love a dying man. I don’t deserve you. You don’t deserve this. You deserve better, Chanyeol. You need to love some…”

Not wanting to hear more, I detach Baekhyun from me. I see fear from his eyes. I don’t want to hear any more. What’s important is, Baekhyun’s here.

I cup his face, close my eyes, and press my lips on his.

My heart elates from the contact.

I am now kissing Byun Baekhyun.

And he is kissing me back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We spent the next couple of hours watching re-runs of I Hear Your Voice as the awkward air envelops us He’s curled up on the other end of the sofa, while I occupy the other one.

The silence was not deafening. Rather, it was calming. Though none of us spoke, everything seems to be in the right place.

Midnight nears. Kyungsoo and Jongin are not yet home. And that’s when it hit me.

“Do Jongin and Kyungsoo know you’re here?” I asked, breaking the hours of silence.

“I called Jongin just before I went here. I said I’ll just talk to him later. Seeing you, that’s what, is important.”

I blush at the sudden bluntness.

 

“Can I sleep here for tonight?” Baekhyun asks while sipping his chocolate drink.

 

I nod.

I show him Kyungsoo’s room and let him settle in.

Baekhyun sits on my bed with his arms wrapped his legs and a cup of coffee in between. Such a child-like sight.

With that, I wald away and prepare to settle on the couch.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to sleep on the couch.” I turn to face him and see him pout.

Baekhyun places his mug over the bedside table and pat the other side of the bed. “You can sleep here.” I see his face blush. But I know my face emits a deeper shade of red.

“I, well, um…”

“I won’t let you be uncomfortable in the couch.” He says.

So we find ourselves lying beside each other with my heart pumping heavily and stomach hurting continuously.

“I want to live, Chanyeol.” He utters silently, barely audible but enough for me to hear.

“Before, I thought it was for the best not to struggle with cancer. Less pain, less spending--I’m being practical. I thought I lived a happy life. And it was enough for me. I want to die singing. My voice is all I have.  But then, everything changed.”

He turns his body towards me. His eyes trace every part of me.

I look at him, and he smiles. Who would have thought that this guy is struggling for his life?

“You came.”

Soft hands caress my cheeks; and I don’t know why I feel so weak.

“I don’t care if I lose my voice. I don’t care if I won’t be able to speak anymore. I just want to be with you, Chanyeol. I have decided to fight.”

Baekhyun looks at me in the eyes and a smile appears on his face. It is the same smile he gave me when we left Kyungsoo and Jongin at the café; the smile he flashed at me when he finished singing; the smile he made when he said he love umbrellas.

This is the smile I own.

“I’ll fight for you.”

 

 

 

 

Everything suddenly sinks in after he falls asleep in my arms.

Baekhyun is dying.