O c t o b e r   2 7,  2 0 1 0

 

 

 

 Rain was the last thing on my mind when I walked out of my shared apartment with Kyungsoo. And here I am, now trapped in the university halls, waiting for the rain to halt so I can go home and sleep.

At the back of my mind, it keeps on repeat that I should call Kyungsoo to pick me up but really, seeing him this morning with Kim Jongin? I’d rather not take my chances. Surely, they’re busy doing things.

The rain has no intention to stop, I realized after an hourof waiting. Running towards the bus stop is one option. I don’t mind getting drenched, but the thought of books and music sheets inside my bag made me realize I wouldn’t risk them being soaked in the rain. They’re too important--even more vital than sleep.

Reaching for my earphones from my pocket, I feel someone poking my shoulder. I turn around and a familiar set of eyes peek through mine and a smile that brings sunshine in my life appear before my sight. The person grins at me.

“Wanna share?” He points to his red umbrella and before I could say anything, he links his arms onto mine. I feel my heart jump out of my chest.

Only Baekhyun can make me feel this way.

Things were never the same since I realized I was in love with Baekhyun.

Funny thing about destiny is, today is October 27, the same day since I felt my heart beat for him for the first time. And now, I find myself being in love with Baekhyun more and more each day.

My feelings are not subtle; Kyungsoo knew. Jongin felt it, too, but somehow Baekhyun has no clue.

 

 

 

 

 

Stuttering (October 27, 2009)

 

After the mini-concert where Baekhyun and Kyungsoo performed last year, I knew love has come my way. But I have no idea how to handle this bizarre feeling occupying my chest.

 

***

Jongin pulls me from my seat after a couple of minutes. I must be staring at the stage, even though the performance had ended.

“Hyung is not there anymore, so come on!” Jongin grasps my hand and drags me while I was still stuck in a state of euphoria.

Soon, I realized we are in the backstage as Jongin leaves me by the door to give Kyungsoo a hug. The latter blushes deep red from the contact.

The day before the concert, Jongin confessed to Kyungsoo. We couldn’t be any happier seeing how Kyungsoo and Jongin love each other.

I mouth a ‘congratulations’ while Kyungsoo is held into an embrace by Jongin, but I hurriedly shift my gaze to scan the room for a certain boy. Instead of finding him on my own, I hear his voice.

“Where’s my hug, Jongin?”

Hearing those words is like a song whispered into my ears. My heart pumps incredibly fast when I see Baekhyun pouting. My heart could have never been so alive. I restrain myself to grab him and wrap my arms around him.

“Ask Chanyeol to hug you. Can’t you see I’m busy here?”

I blush deep red and it was too obvious. I lower my head so Baekhyun won’t see. Baekhyun chuckles and walks towards me.

“So, did you fall in love with me or something?” Baekhyun teases me as he lightly punches my shoulder.

Everything falls silent after Baekhyun utters that remark. He aims to pull of one of his usual quirks, but it fell out of place. I remember now why I haven’t realized that I was in love with Baekhyun earlier. It was because for the past year, our relationship circled around bickering and arguments.

Silence envelops the room.

“Why? Did I miss anything?” Baekhyun’s eyes shifts to us all, asking for answers on the overwhelming silence.

"Nothing. Nothing, hyung.” Jongin lets go of Kyungsoo and pats Baekhyun’s shoulder. “You did well, hyung.”

In my mind, I shout that he didn’t do well—rather he sang so amazing, my soul could come out at any second and die peacefully.

But in reality, I had trouble speaking my words.

“Y..y..y..you w-w-were a-amaz-z-ing.” I look like a struggling two year old boy.

Jongin bursts out laughing and Kyungsoo fights hard not to laugh as he pushes Jongin outside the room, leaving Baekhyun and a dumbstruck me.

“Thanks Chanyeol.” Baekhyun smiles. “I am really happy to hear that. But you’re acting weird. Really.”

If my cheeks weren’t red enough, I don’t know how to live anymore. After realizing that I was madly in love with Baekhyun, breathing became a need. Baekhyun became my oxygen.  And facing him was the biggest challenge. I’m getting crazier each day.

“So did you hug already?” Jongin peeks from the door, chuckling.

“KIM JONGIN!” I hear Kyungsoo scream and Jongin disappears from our sight.

Baekhyun smiles at me, “So, do I get a hug?” His hands invites me for a hug.

My head spins like crazy.

Soon, my body moves as it trembes. Nothing was warmer than this; nothing was more perfect than this.

I was hugging Baekhyun.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jealousy (October 30, 2009)

The mini-concert marked the last day of the semester and it was the last day I saw Baekhyun before they left to visit China. A family tradition, as Jongin explained to a sad Kyungsoo.

Can you believe that?  Right after Jongin confessed, he left Kyungsoo. Well, yeah. It’s only for two weeks. Still, I will never do that to Baekhyun.

“I will never do that to Baekhyun.” The words proudly escape my lips.

Kyungsoo sighs, “It was planned beforehand, we couldn’t do anything about it. Besides, it was Baekhyun who planned the trip months ago so Jongin couldn’t back out. And we’ll Skype every day, anyway.” Kyungsoo defends his boyfriend.

“And when did you start being like this? No more fighting? No more arguments?” Kyungsoo asks.

“Well, no matter what. I’m not going to do that to Baekhyun.” I affirm my decision.

“Yeah yeah. Sure.” Kyungsoo smirks. “You wouldn’t do that? Or rather, you couldn’t do that? You’re not even a couple.”

I knew it was meant to be a joke, but it made me realize things, that the smile on my face was replaced with a hint of epiphany and an obvious grief. Kyungoo notices the sudden change in my mood.

“I didn’t mean it that way, Chanyeol. I’m sorry.”

Before I could say anything, as if on cue, we hear the ringtone from Skype.

“They’re calling.” Kyungsoo holds my hand, “I’m sorry, okay?” He won’t drop the issue until he knows I’m okay. So despite having an obvious heartbreak, I smile to assure him that I’m fine.

Luckily, Kyungsoo let the matter go. Maybe because he was excited to see Jongin. I set the issue aside at the back of my mind. What I know now is that I’m seeing Baekhyun. But, yes, I’m totally nervous.

I hear Jongin’s voice from the speaker, loud and clear. His voice emanates happiness as Kyungsoo greets him back. In my case, I try to subtly peek from the screen, waiting for a certain boy to pop out. But a few minutes passes, Baekhyun was nowhere in sight.

“Hyung’s getting ready.” Jongin informs Kyungsoo. I knew the latter asked on my behalf, knowing that I’m too lovestruck to even talk. I felt relief that Baekhyun was there. I thought I won’t be able to see him today, or else, it will drive me more nuts.

I already miss him. Even if a day just passed, it felt like an eternity. Though, we’re not together, I just want to see him day by day.

“He has a date.” Jongin drops a sudden bomb.

 

My knees start to weaken and I cling to the chair to prevent me from falling. Kyungsoo looks at me worriedly.

“It’s not a date Jongin.” I hear Baekhyun’s voice. I feel relief by the sound of his voice. But still, the words that slipped from Jongin’s mouth still bother me like hell.

I was really hoping Baekhyun’s first words would be ‘I miss you, Chanyeol’ and not, ‘It’s not a date.’

Jongin laughs through the computer screen and suddenly stops. With that, I knew Kyungsoo stopped his boyfriend using his death stare. I feel a pang of jealousy. I feel my heart hurt.

Baekhyun suddenly appears on the screen. “Hey Kyungie!” He says beaming. “Where’s Chanyeol?”

The word ‘Chanyeol’ vibrates through my head and echoes on every part of the room. Kyungsoo pulls the hem of my shirt to divert me back into reality. He makes way so the both of us can fit into the camera.

“Hey Chanyeol!” The usual pleasing tone escapes Baekhyun’s lips and his usual eye smile.

“Hi.” I manage not to stutter with that one syllable. Looking at him, he looks different. He seems too dressed up. Then, the word ‘date’ rings inside my mind. His hair is styled differently than I recall. His clothes are too fashionable, and he’s sporting eyeliner too perfect for his eyes. I understand now Jongin was right; Baekhyun has a date.

It made me frown unknowingly. My heart sank a thousand fold.

Baekhyun chats with us for a little while. He tells us about how hot it is now in China and the food they’ve tasted, but my mind is only focused on one thing now; As Baekhyun talks, he casually looks at his watch from time to time. And every time he does that, a part of me breaks.

 

 

 

 

 

November 15, 2009

 

I miss Baekhyun. I miss him so much.

I see him almost every day whenever Kyungsoo would Skype, but it’s not the same. It’s not the same face. Everything is different. I miss him.

As I lie on my bed with medicine beside me, I sigh and hate myself more for being sick on the day Baekhyun and Jongin returns from the trip.

There was a subtle knock on my door. It might be just my mom carrying my medicine for today. But, is there a cure for love? I think I have a fever because I’m lovesick.

“The door is unlocked, Mom. Just come in.”

I heard my mom walk towards me. Usually, she talks rants out loud about me not taking care of myself or something along the lines of taking vitamins and not playing in the rain like a seven year old kid. It’s nice that I didn’t hear any of her tantrums today, so I stayed covered under my sheets.

“Hi Chanyeol.”

I’ve never been shocked in my entire life. Hearing the voice, I startle and jump out of bed, surprising myself and this person.

I sat flat on my first on the floor. I hear a familiar laugh.

“Sorry for startling you.”

It was Baekhyun.

I miss you. I want to scream.

Sitting on the floor, I see him towering over me. He changed his hair color, but the same smile was plastered on his face.

“Kyungsoo told me you were sick, so I wanted to drop by.” He extends his hands, helping me stand up.

 “And I…” Trailing off, Baekhyun scans my face, I feel the blood in my cheeks heat up.

I miss you. I want to yell.

“I brought these.” Baekhyun suddenly utters while pointing to the tiny fruit basket on my bedside table. A ribbon is tied to its handle. “I hope these can make you feel better.” He says with a smile.

Unknowingly, Baekhyun is my cure.

I miss you. I want him to know.

To be honest, I’m feel okay now. My medicines have proven their worth, but seeing Baekhyun made an effort to deliver some fruits, I might was well pretend that my head throbs more than it should.

One thing more, I guess it’s just that fair that Baekhyun thinks that I am really weak and really sick. Because literally, I really am. It’s just that, my fever has subsided and my head is not in much excruciating pain. But my heart, today, is like a ticking bomb that can blow up anytime.

We spend the afternoon just chatting. Fortunately, half of my face is hidden under the sheets. So, every time a blush would creep out of my cheeks, they were perfectly hidden from Baekhyun’s eyes.

My focus was never on what he was telling—something about the movie he had watched with Jongin. It’s because my heart pounds heavily in my chest because Baekhyun is here inside my room. He makes me feel a lot better even though he doesn’t know. He is my cure.

“Do you want some apple, Chanyeol?” He suddenly asks.

I lower my sheet to my chest and nod softly.

“Stop being cute, Chanyeol.” Baekhyun giggles as he reaches for an apple. “Uhm, I guess I should get a knife. Is it okay if I go to your kitchen?”

“Knife. Downstairs. Adjacent to the living room. Second drawer beside the fridge.” I say quickly

“Got it.” With that, Baekhyun leaves the room.

I really don’t mind if Baekhyun wanders around the house, but I really need him to go get that knife now. Because the way he told me that I’m cute, I can’t help the heavy panting that wants to escape my chest.

After he left, I sit on my bed, lift the covers slowly and curl the once-stretched pair of legs. I place my back against the wall and I put my hands on my chest, feeling my heart as it thumps loudly.

I don’t know if it’s good that I’m in love.

I don’t know until when this sensation lingering through every cell, muscle and veins will last.

Love makes us do a lot of things, feel a lot of emotions, and think about anything. But for me, love brings a nicely cut apple carefully placed inside my mouth by milky smooth refined fingers and a smiling Baekhyun in front of me.

Love has given me the best gift.

 

“Baekhyun, will you sing for me?”

Silence.

I, myself, cannot believe what came out of my mouth.

I plan to take back what I said after seeing his startled state.

“What song do you want me to sing?”

Smiling brightly, the eagerness resonates in my voice, “Baby don’t cry.”

It’s a song composed by Baekhyun. Kyungsoo once mentioned it when I asked him what piece Baekhyun always plays in the piano room. Since the day Baekhyun made a way for Kyungsoo and Jongin to be together, the four of us developed a tight bond. Kyungsoo and Baekhyun became closer, because both of them are voice majors—thus, the usual practice at the music room.

 

 After class, I’ve always waited to hear Baekhyun play his piano piece, but I haven’t got a clue why I stay behind the walls while he plays in the other room. I never realized this happens everyday, but but not once did I hear him sing. Those were the days when I still don’t have a clear grasp on what I feel. And today, I’m pushing my luck by making Baekhyun sing Baby Don’t Cry.

No one knows the lyrics. Only Baekhyun.

Baekhyun falls silent. For a few seconds, I’m convinced he’ll just decline. But he flashes a shy smile at me and a soft, “okay.”

I guess luck was with me all this time.

He shifts to his seat so he can comfortably sing. “Wait, how’d you know Baby Don’t Cry?”

“Kyungsoo once told me that you wrote this song. AND I REALLY WANT TO HEAR IT…PLEASE.”

Baekhyun laughs. “Okay. It’s the first time I’m singing this.”

I know.

“Feel eternally grateful.” He teases.

I will be.

Then the magic starts all over again.

 

 “Deoneun mangseoriji ma jebal.”

And then it starts. My eyes widen in awe as every word escapes Baekhyun’s lips. 

“Nae simjangeul geodueo ga.”

 

Sometimes, I believe that we fail to recognize the importance of time.

Most of the time, we waste it only to realize we could have used it for something important.

“Geurae nalkaroulsurok joha.”

 As Baekhyun sang, I wish that the time would stop because I'm sitting on my bed, wide-eyed and jaw dropping low, my heart beats incredibly calmer, but I know it beats strongly only for one person.

Too many things to do, Too little time.

I want to love Baekhyun every second of every minute of every hour.

“Dalbit jochado nuneul gameun bam.”

 I really am in love with Byun Baekhyun.

Baekhyun sings a couple of more songs. It was magical. I hope that I could be sick forever and Baekhyun could just be beside me, either cutting apples, telling me stories, singing his heart out or just comfortably sitting on my bedroom chair. As long as Baekhyun is near me, I will always be eternally grateful for it.

There is nothing more I want in life than to spend every second of it with Baekhyun.

We didn’t realize that it was already late until my mom’s loud voice rebounds into my ears, making my head throb.

“PARK CHANYEOL, DID YOU DRINK YOUR MEDICINE? I TOLD YOU, YOU HAVE TO DRIN…. Oh, hello there.” My mom was voicing out her emotions in a deafening tone until he saw Baekhyun.

 

“Hello, Mrs. Park. I’m Byun Baekhyun, Chanyeol’s friend.” He smiles and he bows to my mom and made her blush. Literally, I saw my mom blush. Like, what the hell?

“Baekhyun, nice to meet you. Channie never brought friends over other than Kyungie. Sometimes, I wonder if he’s a bully or a reject.”

“MOM!” I tried to yell from my bed.

“You’re not supposed to yell, young mister.”

“I assure you Mrs. Park, he’s not a bully nor a jerk. He’s really friendly.” Baekhyun interrupts my mom, saving me for future embarrassments.

 

“Really Baekhyun?” Mom fakes a doubted voice. “Well, I suppose he really is friendly because a polite kid like you befriended my little boy.” My mom laughs and I groan. “I leave the two of you here while I prepare dinner. And Baekhyun you better stay, okay? I’m not taking no for an answer.”

“I would love to Mrs. Park.”

With that, my mom walked into the door and secretly gave me a smirk and a look which probabaly says, My Channie’s in love.

Well, what can I say, mommy knows best.

Insisting that I look too weak, Baekhyun helps go down the stairs, supporting my body. I wonder how such a little person can really help a giant like me. I chuckle at the thought which made Baekhyun crinkle his nose.

“Are you going insane? Oh my god Chanyeol, you’re delirious!”

We laugh wholeheartedly. His laughter is music to my ears.

 

 My head still feels heavy, but with Baekhyun holding my arm and our shoulders touching. I am more worried about the state of my heart. It’s too overwhelming that anytime, my heart might explode.

Dinner went by incredibly fast. My mom keeps on talking the entire time. I guess they had a good time, Baekhyun and my mom. They seem to fit together. Both of them clearly talks a lot and I end up playing with my soup, eyes never leaving Baekhyun’s face.

Soon, it was time for Baekhyun to go home. Finishing his last spoon of ice cream for dessert, he says his gratitude and my mom leads him to the door with me following closely from their backs.

“Please visit us again, Baekhyun-ah.” My mom hugs Baekhyun, “I’ll just clean the dishes. Too bad, my baby is sick, he can’t walk you home. Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you home?”

“It’s okay, Mrs. Park. I can safely go home. Thank you so much.” With that, my mom heads off to the kitchen but I’m sure she just wants to leave some time for me and Baekhyun to talk. And there’s a 99.99% probability that my mom’s ear is pressing closely to the wall.

“Thanks for today, Chanyeol. Your mom is really great!” Baekhyun beams as his eyes reveal sincerity.

“I should be the one thanking you for dropping by. Really.” I manage to gather all my courage to speak as my heart continues to beat loud.

“It’s nothing. You’re sick and…” Baekhyun bows his head slightly and his left arm is scratching his head, “I just wanted to see you.”

 

I was taken aback by his words; Jaw dropping at every word as my heart beats against my chest.

“I…I… Well, Uhmm.” Clearly, my voice isn’t helping me with anything.

Baekhyun seems to freeze, but animatedly looks up and smiles at me. But something in that smile is not quite fascinitating.

“Well, it’s really late. I have to go home. See you in school soon.” Baekhyun slowly walks backwards and waves at me. I was still dumbfounded at what he said that I couldn’t even wave back. What’s more depressing is that as he walks away, I have the urge to run to him and embrace him and tell him the things I really want to say since I saw him smiling this morning. But as soon as he was nowhere in sight, that’s the time my voice came back.

“I missed you, Baekhyun.”

 

 

 

 

Baekhyun did not visit me the following day.

Kyungsoo said Baekhyun had to do a lot of things. I wonder if I did something wrong. But no matter how I keep on replaying what happened, no bad thing comes to mind.

Maybe Baekhyun really has some important things to do.

 

 

 

 

November 27, 2009

 

Today is Friday. But it’s not just any other Friday. Today all things be damned, it’s my birthday.

And today will be special, I know it. Jongin kinda hinted that he saw a box wrapped delicately with red wrapper and gold linen design. On top was a card with a scripted handwriting that stated, “happy birthday.”

Today is unusual, but things like that did not come to mind as I was focused on dreaming about the certain item enclosed in a box.

Kyungsoo and Baekhyun was nowhere in sight. They might be having some extra practice time for their holiday choir presentation. So I found myself left with Jongin, which happens frequently lately.

Sitting comfortably at our usual spot under the oldest tree in the campus, Jongin uses the eraser end of his pencil to prod at my hair until I give him my attention.

“What?” I finally turn to him.

“Where’s Kyungsoo?” he nonchalantly responds.

“Maybe, he’s with Baekhyun.”

“I don’t think so. Hyung left so early this morning.”

Before I could ask anymore, Jongin stands up and slings an arm around Kyungsoo.

“Hey Kyungie!” I waved while comfortably sitting on the grass, back firm against the tree.

“Hey Chanyeol. How’s the preparation later?” He said as he untangles himself from Jongin.

“It’s fine. Party starts at 8. Better not be late.” I winked.

“Of course. I’m the one making the food, so I really won’t be late.” He laughs softly.

“You really won’t invite anybody else aside from us three?” Jongin asks while he rummages Kyungsoo’s backpack for the bento boxes prepared by the latter.

“Yes. I’m happy with you, Kyungsoo and Baekhyun. I don’t want anybody else.” I say firmly, genuinely from the heart.

Jongin fakes a touched looked, “You know, you had me there for a second. But really, you only care about hyung.” Kyungsoo laughs from Jongin’s blunt, but true remark. I laugh along with him.

“So, where’s Baekhyun?” Kyungsoo asks.

“He’s with you, right?”

“I haven’t seen him today. He did attend our major classes and he was not in the music room today.” Kyungsoo explains with worry on his face. I crinkle my nose in response, eyebrows meeting.

“Told you, hyung’s not with Kyungie.” Jongin says as he chews his food happily while waving his chopsticks in the air.

“Call him.” Kyungsoo makes it feel natural to just dial Baekhyun’s number and call him, but it was not simple. I was supposed to say something. I try to utter it, but decide not to instead.

“Okay, okay. Chanyeol stop that. I’ll call him.” I am forever the luckiest person for having Kyungsoo as my best friend. He knows what to do every time.

 

But before he could start pressing the numbers, a panting boy appears before our eyes.

Wearing tighter jeans than usual, he wore a white v-neck shirt hugging his body perfectly. It reveals his flawless collarbones while his messenger bag slung on his shoulder, the leather jacket almost falling from the bag’s top. My eyes feast on his toned arms, just absolutely perfect for his size. I swear, anyone should wipe the escaping drool from my mouth.

“Jongin, I need your phone. Please.” Jongin’s jaw dropping widely. Baekhyun never said please.

“Jongin.” Baekhyun spoke again. It cut Jongin from the shock and immediately rummaged his bag to get his phone. Founding it, he speedily hands it to Baekhyun. The moment Baekhyun sees the tip of the phone, he grabs it hurriedly. He then dials instantly, his fingers shaking.

“Sorry. I’m sorry. My phone died. Yeah. Okay, okay. I’ll be there in a while.” Baekhyun speaks worriedly at first, but as the conversation continues, bliss is the word that describes Baekhyun’s voice.

The call ended. Baekhyun smiles at Jongin. “Here.” He hands the phone to Jongin. “Thanks Jonginie.” Baekhyun starts walking away, only being stopped by Kyungsoo.

“Where are you going?”

“I need to be somewhere.” Baekhyun hesitates, but he continues to walk away.

Not once did Baekhyun glance my way. Not once did I hear Baekhyun mutter a word directly at me. I never received a text or a call. And seeing Baekhyun dressed like this, I thought he came prepared for my birthday. But the last line he uttered before the call ended defeated every hope I had.

 “See you later, Yifan.”

“It’s Chanyeol’s birthday, hyung.”

Baekhyun stopped on his tracks.

He turned back to us. “I know. I’ll be there later. I promise. I just had to be somewhere.” he smiles and walks away.

I never once felt so hurt in my entire time. Kyungsoo looks at me with a pained expression, but I try my best to smile at him. I don’t want to feel their sympathy. At least, Baekhyun promised to be there, right?

Jongin, on the other hand, looked angry.

“You should have stopped him, Chanyeol.” He says bitterly.

“If he needed to be somewhere, let him be.” My voice cracks at every word. “Besides, he promised he’ll be there, right?”

Jongin runs a hand through his hair and scuffs, “Baekhyun hyung is really an idiot!”

I never spoke a single word after that. I kept all my feelings from myself and kept focusing on Baekhyun’s word. I’ll be there. I’ll be there. I’ll be there.

 

 

 

It was 10 in the evening and the food on the table is about to run out. Kyungsoo sang almost all the songs on the list and Jongin’s legs are about to give up from all the dancing, but Baekhyun is still not here. I’m glad these two are here to make me smile. They’ve tried enough.

Eleven in the evening, Kyungsoo starts cleaning the empty stack of plates. Jongin helps him.

Eleven thirty, my house is good as new, thanks to Kyungsoo and Jongin.

Eleven forty five, Kyungsoo and Jongin bids me goodbye.

Eleven fifty six, I’m on my way to my room. I hear a knock. Maybe Kyungsoo forgot something.

The clock strikes. It was eleven fifty seven, I open the door.

“Kyungsoo, you can just get…”

Someone hugs me strongly.

“I’m sorry.”

Eleven fifty eight.

Saeng il chuk ka ham ni da.

Saeng il chuk ka ham ni da.

Sarang ha neun Chanyeollie.

Saeng il chuk ka ham ni da.

 

 

Eleven fifty nine.

Soft lips brush through my left cheek.

“Happy birthday Chanyeol.”

It was the best birthday I’ve ever had.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

November 28, 2009

 

A smile is plastered on my face, grinning like an idiot. Jongin and Kyungsoo eyes me suspiciously.

“Did you get stoned last night?” Jongin pokes my cheek.

“Spill. What happened?” The urgency in Kyungsoo’s voice was one in a million. He shifts his chair almost every second and he shakes his body awkwardly. “I knew something happened. What is it? What is it?” I’ve never seen Kyungsoo this giddy.

 

“Well.”

“What is it, what is it?” Kyungsoo shakes me as both of his hands grabbing my shoulders.

“Baekhyun arrived after you went home.” I hurriedly reply with the fear of being engulfed as Kyungsoo looks at me.

Kyungsoo’s eyes are wide, but they’re wider than usual. His hands left my shoulders and the next thing was unexpected. Kyungsoo turns to Jongin, hands stretched, reaching for something.

“My 50,000 won please.”

“You bet on me?”

“No, .” Jongin replies, “We bet on my brother, if he’ll appear or not.”

“That’s not very nice.” I respond.

“But he did come right, that’s what’s important.” Kyungsoo winks at me, “Now, tell us everything.”

 

“He gave me this.” I reach for the string situated around my neck. My shirt was hiding it from other people’s eyes. It reveals a simple silver pendant.

“WHAT THE ACTUAL ?” Jongin raises his hands, annoyed.

“What’s that?” If sarcasm is the greatest way to mock, I don’t know what Kyungsoo did, but it was beyond sarcastic.

“A tab.”

The looks on Kyungsoo and Jongin’s eyes were precious. It was a different form of mockery, hinted with annoyance and doubtfulness.

“A soda tab.” I explain further to give them a wider idea in case they don’t know.

“The thing on top of a soda bottle that you should op….”

“I ING KNOW WHAT THAT IS! WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS, WHY THE HELL DID MY BROTHER GIVE YOU A ING TAB?”

“That’s a secret, Jongin.”

Baekhyun walks towards us as he taps Jongin’s shoulder while his eyes are on mine, a smile that perfectly fits his lips.

I really love Byun Baekhyun.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 5, 2010

 

“What should I buy Jongin?”

Tears start to fall from my eyes.

“Stop that, you’re such a girl living in body of a 184 cm guy.” Jongin scoffs.

We’ve been in the mall for four hours already, scouting every shop for a perfect gift for Baekhyun.

“This mall will be closed soon.” I start to lose hope.

“Aish! I don’t know what to give hyung!” Jongin now pulls his hair in frustration. “I’m just gonna call him and ask him what he likes.”

Before Jongin could get his phone, I stop him.

“No, no, no, no, no. This will defeat the essence of our surprise party.” Convincing Jongin was hard, “And Kyungsoo’s effort will be put to waste.” And surely that got him.

Sighing heavily, Jongin walks inside a make-up shop. “I’ll just buy him eyeliner.”

“I thought you said you don’t like Baekhyun wearing one.”

“He’ll love it. But yeah, I don’t want him wearing one because whenever he sports eyeliner, guys and girls are like beasts feasting on him, you know? And I’m sure he’ll wear this every day because it’s his precious little brother’s gift?” He smirks and winks.

I hurriedly follow him into the store to stop him from buying, “Yah, yah. Kim Jongin. Don’t buy that.” But it was too late. A purchase has been made.

“You’re not the only one lusting for my hyung, lover boy.”

I punch Jongin slightly on his arm as I blush from his remark.

“Now, I need to find him a gift.”

An hour passed and I still haven’t found a perfect gift. And I told Jongin to go home 30 minutes ago.

“Okay, just one more round. I’m sure I can find one.”

I scout once again in shops. I go through them again, hoping that my eyes failed to see something good in the first place. The mall will close in fifteen minutes and I still haven’t got any.

Running furiously, I disreg the looks shoppers give me. I struggle to find the perfect gift until my eyes land on something.

Panting heavily, “I’ll take this.”

Just in time, God loves me so much.

“This will be the perfect gift.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 6, 2010

 

“He should be here in 5 minutes.” Jongin announces as I find a desperate spot in the music room to hide. Jongin hides behind the piano; Kyungsoo presses himself behind the bookshelf. I was behind the door.

Ten minutes passed—still no Baekhyun.

“Are you sure you texted him, Jongin?” Kyungso asks furiously.

“Yes, I’m sure. And he replied he’ll be here.” Jongin starts perspiring despite the airconditioning.

We hear the sound of the door knob turning, we go into our position until the door opens.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” All at the same time, we greet him blissfully.

Baekhyun thanks us many times. “You guys! That’s why I did not find you anywhere else a while ago.” He punches Jongin slightly, “So this is where you went.”

“I love you, hyung!” Jongin hugs Baekhyun.

“It’s for you, Baekhyun.” Kyungsoo hands over his gift, then Baekhyun wraps his arms over Kyungsoo.

Smile was creeping into my lips, because I just know, I can hug Baekhyun again. He did it to Jongin and Kyungsoo and I know I will receive one, I cannot hide my excitement. I was fidgeting. Jongin was laughing. He loves my misery too much.

“Hey, where’s my gift?” Baekhyun kiddingly nudges me as he extends his hands waiting for his gift.

“I’ll give it later.” I reply. I want my gift to be opened last. I did not get a hug as Jongin announces that he was hungry. We began eating after that.

Baekhyun starts opening his gifts; Kyungsoo gave him a leather jacket. Jongin,on the other hand, not only hands the eyeliner but a secret box as well.

A few minutes of pure fun conversation, Jongin and Kyungsoo left. They said they needed to do something, but I know they just want me to be alone with Baekhyun.

"I heard you're good at playing the guitar."

I was taken aback at the sudden comment.

"Uhm. Well, Y…yeah." 

"Hmm. I've always wanted to learn how to play. I tried, but I ." Baekhyun sticks his tongue out.

It was a refreshing sight seeing Baekhyun acting cute.

"I'll teach you." I stutter. Baekhyun did not reply. "Well, only if you wanted too. But if you don't, it's okay. ”

"I'd love that."

He smiles.

My world stops. 

I spent the next three hours teaching Baekhyun the basics of guitar playing. It was heaven every time my fingers touched his to place them on the right strings. 

He managed to learn a simple tone and learned the basics. I am a proud teacher. I could have taught him more, but the cleaning team told out to get out of the room because they're going to lock the room soon.

It was 8 pm when we left school.

I walked Baekhyun home. We reached his home.

The lights were still on.

 

"Jongin's home." Baekhyun states. "His lights are still on. I wonder if Kyungsoo's there." Soft laughs accompanied his voice.

"So..." Baekhyun starts, smiling shyly, "You're about to go home and I haven't received your gift."

I laugh a little, but Baekhyun looks displeased.

"Yah, why are you laughing? If you don't want to give it, it's okay." Baekhyun turns around, but I grab him and buries his face into my chest as I hug him tightly.

 

"Happy Birthday Byun Baekhyun." 

 

Though, Baekhyun's face was pressed on my chest, I still hear him say, "Thank you, Park Chanyeol."

I slowly let him go and opened my bag to find the small box delicately wrapped in a silver parchment. 

"Here." 

Baekhyun snatch the bag and carefully unties the ribbon. As he opens the box, my eyes never left his face, wanting to know his expression. 

I grin widely as I saw a smile form in Baekhyun's face.

 

"It's beautiful, Chanyeol. Thank you." He looks at me and my mind travels to the first day when me met as he gives me the most beautiful smile I've ever seen.

 

 

 

 

 

The next day, Baekhyun smiles the brightest. 

He was all the most beautiful, sporting a heavy liner that fits his eyes perfectly with fitted jeans, a white loose shirt revealing his collarbone.

I didn’t mind the guys and girls looking at him lustfully.

Baekhyun walks up towards me.

My eyes looks at the thing hanging on his neck.

"Hey." He greets.

"Hi there, hyung! You look awesome today."

"I'm wearing the eyeliner you gave me. Fits me perfectly." He smiles.

"Wow." Kyungsoo mutters as his hands travel on the thing hanging on Baekhyun's neck. "This is awesome, Baekhyun." 

"I know." Baekhyun proudly replies.

It’s a white gold necklace. Two small items hang on it—a round pendant and a small mic. The ring had an engraving that states, "Baekhyun."

 

"Chanyeol gave it to me." 

 

He smiles. 

In that moment, I swear our love, the moment, everything, it was infinite.

 

 

 

O c t o b e r    2 7,   2 0 1 0

Memories of the past return to me as soon Baekhyun and I sit down inside the café where Jongin and Kyungsoo first talked to each other.

“I hate the rain.” He mutters as he sips his hot chocolate.

“I only hate it when I don’t have an umbrella.” I reply, trying to sound witty. It worked because Baekhyun laughs.

“I love umbrellas.” He says after finishing his laugh.

“Why?” Curiosity flows through me.

“Because you don’t have one.” He smiles, eyes fixed on mine. And that moment, my heart hangs on a thread.

“And I get to share mine with you.” He says as he stands up. My jaw drops wide, frozen in paradise and my heart pumps roughly.

 

“I have some place I wanna go to.” Baekhyun says as he extends his hands to me. I never had a chance to say a single word as I reach for his hands to let him lead the way.

It rains, but I don’t mind. As we walk, our bodies press against each other. I hold the umbrella as Baekhyun clings his arm into mine.

I am welcomed by a familiar face.

We reach our destination and found myself confused.

 

“We’re back at the university.”

“Yup.” Baekhyun’s arm still on mine.

“You want to go here?” I ask.

“Stop talking and just follow me.”

And so I did. And I arrived at the university’s concert hall.

“I always wanted to sneak in here—my second favorite place in the university. The first one’s our usual spot with Kyungsoo and Jongin.”

 

I let Baekhyun talk more because it soothes my feelings. His voice is my second favorite thing in the world. Baekhyun is the first one. I should curse myself for being so cheesy.

 

He stops right before the stage.

“Last year, on the same date, we performed here.” Baekhyun says with pride emanating.

“You were really good.” No sugarcoats and lies, Baekhyun’s voice was to die for. Maybe, I fell in love with him more and because of his voice.

“Thanks.”

With the way he said it, I knew it was genuine.

“Did you know, Chanyeol, there is no such thing as inequality. People experience different levels of hardships and it only depends on the impact it brings to a person.”

I don’t know why Baekhyun  suddenly probes this discussion. But I nod anyways and prepare my ears for more.

“It has been 2 years since we met Chanyeol.”

I was stunned. He remembered.

“Years went by too fast.”

I recall the days we’ve been through. On our first year, all we did was to argue and bicker, but in the end, we find ourselves teasing Kyungsoo and Jongin. A year had passed and we have gotten closer.

 

 

Today is October 27, 2010.

As I check my watch, it’s 8:42 in the evening.

“You know, I’ve always wanted to perform in front of millions of people. On a bigger stage than this. I would love for them to hear me sing.” Baekhyun’s fingers trace the edge of the stage with a sad look from his face.

Maybe he doesn’t feel good about his voice today, so I tried boosting his confidence.

“I think you’ll be a popular singer.”

He then looks at me with despair and defeat.

“I can’t Chanyeol.”

Sadness surrounds us.

Normally, I would press questions. But today, I’d rather not. I don’t want to hear more.

Before Baekhyun speaks, I step back.

“Wait here, Baekhyun. I’m going to get something. I’ll be back.”

Before going out of the theater hall, I see Baekhyun nod.

 

 

I run as fast as I can to get to that room immediately. The notes in my backpack might get wet and damn, I should have left them in the theater. I need to get this out now; I need to do this now.

Reaching the fourth floor of the university main building, I spot what I was looking for. I grab it as if my life depended on it and I ran back.

 

Panting, sweating, and heart beating loudly, I reach the concert hall to find Baekhyun on one of the chairs, his lips pouting as he shakes his phone restlessly. Maybe he’s playing a game? I smile because he did not leave. I walk softly and head for the stage.

Too engrossed in his phone, he did not notice I was standing on the stage as I hold my guitar. I start to strum and let my heart voice out what I felt for the past years.

 

My heart pounds with that one word. I stutter. What am I saying?

I look bad because I keep getting it wrong. Please know my heart, know my heart.

Everything I say is still so awkward.

Your texts are still too difficult

I open the dictionary and open by open, want to know, want to know, I don’t know

I’m sending 143

I still can’t express my feelings with words whoa oh oh

Sending 143, it’s not just a simple game of numbers whoa oh oh

I love you 143, you are 486

Sending 143, we’re so different

Sending 143, it’s still hard

It’s not just a simple game of number 143

 

 I let the guitar fall in its place while the strap hangs on my shoulder. I clutch my heart, feeling it pound against my ribcage. I open my eyes and see Baekhyun looking at me as tears form in his eyes.

 I wasn’t expecting anything. Acceptance? Rejection? I’m not expecting anything. I just want to let my feelings out.

“Baekhyun-ah.”

He stands frozen, his phone falls from his grip, onto the floor..

“When you reached for my hand when we ran outside the café to leave Kyungsoo and Jongin alone; the way you sang for me when I was sick; And the stupidest gift I have ever received was a silver piece of tab from a Coca-Cola can. But that stupid thing was the best there is—because it’s from you.”

“For the past year, I have been waiting from afar, listening to you play the piano every day, while I wait from the other room.”

Baekhyun shakes his head. It stings.

“You once told me that love is not felt from the heart, but it was created by our minds. It’s just a state of mind.”

Tears runs down from Baekhyun’s eyes.

“But, why do I feel my heart race when you’re near? But, why do I feel my hurt tighten in pain when you’re sad? But, why do I feel my heart pound against my chest when you sing?”

Baekhyun slowly steps backward. It hurts so badly.

Is this rejection? But I continued—now or never.

“Baekhyun-ah.”

I slowly walk down the stage to reach him. He slowly moves away. We are few steps away from each other.

 

“I love you, Baekhyun.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

a/n

I :<