Mei woke up for the first time early in the morning, though her body was still too tired and her eyes too heavy to stay awake. She fluttered her lids, trying to open them fully to behold her surroundings but a sharp pain zapped through her head, making her gasp and grit her teeth. Then, there was a soft touch on the hurting spot, then on her cheek, softly her skin and almost instantly, the pain was forgotten.

Although she couldn’t see him, she still felt him.

“Luhan,” she muttered, wishing he wouldn’t withdraw his hand.

“Yes, I’m here, Mei,” he answered softly, “Sleep a little more.”

And then she slept in again, with the feeling of his fond touches on her skin, making the pain bearable and for that moment, it was all sufficient.

Mei groggily opened her eyes for the second time when it was already noon. A sudden wave of pain shot through her head, from one side of her temple to the other one, sharp and effective like a lightning, causing her to take in a sharp breath and place her head onto the pillow again. Due to the pain, it was incredibly hard to get up so suddenly, hence Mei just kept lying, staring at the white ceiling with a rather still confused conscious. She stretched out her hand to touch the wound which hurt her so much, but instead of a sore spot, she felt a bandage wrapped around her head and keeping the wound safe to heal.

The memories of the past day slowly came into her mind again. She remembered the jumpy movements when Luhan had pulled her on a piggyback, walking with her all the way back to the car. She remembered his soothing words when she panicked about the blood dripping on his shirt, how she held onto him and whimpered quietly over the pain and how he had always promised that everything’s going to be fine, and… how he apologized. Over and over again.

Hectic, Mei turned her head aside and ignored the pain that shot through her temples again. But the seat next to her bed was empty and instantly, her heart sank. Luhan had brought her directly to the hospital and had stayed with her ever since then.

He had been with her throughout the night and the day, always responding to her painful gasps and hurtful expressions with soothing touches and fond words to make her pain lessen as good as possible. And maybe he hadn’t known, but it truly had helped her to sleep peacefully as long as he had been there.

But now Luhan was gone and Mei was anxious.

It was not because in this moment she was selfish to think that she needed him because she was alone again, but because Luhan had been carrying a burden all along that only she could reduce: He was blaming himself for this accident.

Mei waited a moment due to the possibility that he might have gotten thirsty or hungry and went away to grab something.

When the door opened, Mei’s heart jumped instantly and a bright smile seemed to form on her lips – but all her upcoming and pent-up happiness vanished when she saw a nurse entering the room, not Luhan.

“Hello Miss Liu, you’re already awake,” she spoke with a soft voice and a gently smiled as she approached Mei’s bed with a tray of food, “I’ve seen it coming, so I brought you something to eat. You must be very hungry since you’ve slept all day. No worries, it’s just a small laceration on your temple, you may go home tomorrow already if you treat the wound carefully and always clean it. Luckily, you haven’t gotten injured any further except for a few scratches and you also didn’t suffer from a concussion.”

Mei exhaled relieved. She wouldn’t have wanted to stay here longer anyway. Apparently, she didn’t fall on the stony ground directly and not with her face straight forward, which was her luck. Somehow she must had kept some of her balance, although the amount of blood and extent of pain she had experienced felt much worse.

Indeed, the food really smelled delicious and she noticed how hungry she actually was as the nurse put the tray on a small table hovering above her lap. She prepared the chopsticks and laid them on the plate with rice and poured some tea in her cup. The scent of delicious, blooming tea filled her nose directly.

“Thank you,” Mei said and the nurse nodded friendly, yet she couldn’t seem to bring herself to eat. “Say… my companion… the boy who was with me… my…” She embroiled herself in stutters since she obviously had a hard time to find the right word.

What was Luhan to her?

The man she loved? Yes.

Her boyfriend? No.

“Your boyfriend told me I should inform you that he had duties to follow this noon and would be back as soon as possible, you should not worry about him.”

So, this was how they appeared in front of others all along. Mei experienced a throwback to different stages of their road trip and realized that it had never been any other way. The old lady in Qingdao, Yue in Wuhan, the nurse in Chongqing now and who knew how many other people they happened to see. In many beholders’ eyes, they had always been boyfriend and girlfriend – because somewhere along the way, they had reached a time where they had never objected it again.

Possibly, Mei had already sealed her fate when she decided to go with Luhan. And possibly, she had already began to cheat on Ren from the beginning where she started to think about him less and less and thinking about Luhan more and more, and allowed herself to fall in love with him someday between long car rides and clear nights under the starry sky.

Their kisses weren’t confirmations, they had been a seal – a seal that they couldn’t pretend that nothing had happened and that they could never forgot what they were feeling for each other and possibly, always will feel.

Mei stared blankly at her plate and her appetite vanished from one second on the other. When the realization came, it was accompanied by the extent of guilt she had been hiding all along. And now, Mei couldn’t seem to recognize herself anymore. This wasn’t her. (Or was she?)

The Mei from four weeks ago would have never let herself touch anyone like Luhan did in the night of the thunderstorm where he held her so protective and safe. She would have never let anyone touch her hand like Luhan always did to comfort and lead her. She would have never shared a bed with anyone like she did with Luhan to soothe his sorrow. She would have never dance with anyone like she did with Luhan in the night she wanted to be kissed by him. She would have never let anyone kiss her except her boyfriend like Luhan did in the past days, over and over again.

And lastly, she would have never allowed herself to fall in love. Yet she did. And Mei didn’t know who she was anymore or who she had become, but the latter could be answered by a simple sentence: a selfish girl who had been yearning after something forbidden without bearing in mind that there was someone who could be hurt very badly.

She never wanted to give in, she never wanted to be selfish, she never wanted to cheat. What kind of a person did she have become?

And it was then, when she realized what she had done to Ren when the first tears started to fall, one after another dripping on the tray.

Mei thought about Ren, how hurt he must have already been when he found out that there was something more going on between her and Luhan, only mentally at first. And if that wasn’t enough, he couldn’t have done anything to prevent her from kissing Luhan. Ren was never responsible for all of this, but it was her. He could have never done anything against their developing feelings and desires, but she could have.

How much did she ruin? A friendship, a love, two loves, two friendships.

And guilt washed in intense waves over Mei when she confessed to herself: It’s my fault. It’s me. It’s me. It’s me.

“Ah, Miss Liu, don’t cry!” The nurse approached her bed and seated herself beside Mei, lifting up her hand to lay it on her back and rubbing soothing circular patterns in the fabric of her shirt. But Mei didn’t stop crying, she even started to sob.

“He said he’d come back as soon as possible and I’m sure he will. Look, Miss Liu. This midday, he brought you flowers, you didn’t see them yet.”

Mei followed the nurse’s gaze to the nightstand and admittedly, she had expected nothing other than Marguerites or Spider Lilies. Actually, she just hoped for the latter, hoped, that Luhan would understand that some flowers were probably not made for them.

Please Subscribe to read the full chapter