She had run away before he had even woken up. Mei didn’t turn up for breakfast and when Luhan knocked on her door, he didn’t hear any sounds from her room. The receptionist told him, after describing Mei, that there had been indeed a girl earlier that morning who left the hotel even before the breakfast tables were set.

She really had wanted to walk away from him, from them, from their affection.

They needed to think of Ren, of Lin, of all the troubles they would cause. Especially they needed to think of Ren, their friend, her soon-to-be fiancé, the one who was the most helpless person in this story.

And Luhan was okay with it for now, because probably, it was for the best. They probably needed to stop it before that, what they couldn’t define, couldn’t be stopped anymore.

But unfortunately, they had already fallen too deep to walk away, and it certainly couldn’t be  brought to a stop anymore.

Their affection could only be concealed. However the poor cover would peel off sooner or later. In their case, sooner.

For now, each of them was trying to calm down their fickle hearts.

Actually, Mei had planned so many things for the day she had reserved for herself only. She had searched for places and tourist attractions to make her day good and visit the places she wanted to see. For the past days she had been looking forward to visit the Panda sanctuaries in Sichuan, but by the time she had reached the entrance, she couldn’t bring herself to go in.

Because it didn’t feel right. The anticipation vanished as soon as she had bought her entrance ticket. The little sheet laid lonely in her palm and this was how she felt like – lonely.

There was no Luhan with her. Not his laughter, not his cheerfulness and not his brightness. She already missed his whole company and it hadn’t even been two hours. She wanted to walk away, to be separated from him because she needed to prove to herself that she could be without him.

But she couldn’t walk away from what was behind and what was before. Because whatever she felt - it was real. And whatever she was doing, she wanted to do it together with Luhan.

The ticket she had bought was ripped apart and the little pieces scattered on the ground. She sat down on the sidewalk, pulled her legs to her body, embraced them with her arms and leaned her head on her knees.

She wanted to walk away from him, but he always caught up on her.

And by this time Mei had already realized that somehow, she could never be without him in a way she couldn’t really explain.

For the whole day, she wandered throughout the city center, ran away from the little string that still led her back to Luhan – because she didn’t want to be so dependent and desperate to go back, although the world seemed a little greyer, a little more colorless and a little duller than with him by her side.

“I’m sorry, Lin.”

Like yesterday, he apologized. Now to his ex-girlfriend he hadn’t spoken to in more than a week. He could only imagine her lovely face (which was not as lovely as Mei’s) crack, the façade with her bright, cheerful smile (but not as bright and cheerful as Mei) breaking down to a sorrowful grimace.

Silence enveloped him and Luhan knew it wasn’t on him to say something, but on her. He had already told her everything she needed to know.

A little more than a week ago, he had promised her to give them a chance when he’d come back. And yet again, he needed to break a promise he had given a person he used to love so much, someone who was by his side for years and whom he had loved as much as she loved him, not very long ago.

“It’s Mei, isn’t it?” She asked and surprisingly, her voice wasn’t as weak and sad as he had expected. Maybe she was pretending or maybe, he hoped, she had never really expected him to come back to her. (He hoped for the latter.)

“Of course it’s Mei,” she suddenly sobbed and Luhan’s eyes widened, “I have already seen it in your gaze back then. In the way you looked at her.”

He got stiff, not knowing what to do about her sudden breakdown. Did he expect her to react otherwise? What a coward he was. The girl risked her summer job she needed so much to travel all the way to Shanghai to fight for him and he just made her false hopes and brought them up because looking back, he had already fallen for Mei at that time.

Sometimes Luhan was really bad to the people who loved him, to Ren, to Lin, even to his grandmother. Sometimes he let really amazing people leave his life and didn’t put up enough of a fight to get them back. Because he was weak, a simple coward, and he was so sorry.

“Why?” She asked in between sobs.

Luhan shifted his position and looked up to the sky. He was sitting on a bench in a park, too dull and joyless to follow his plans to visit some temples. He just couldn’t without Mei. Everything reminded him of her.

He wanted to walk away from her, but she always caught up on him.

“Because with her, I don’t wake up in the morning and feel sad anymore.”

After his grandmother’s death, after his breakdown, after his long-term sadness following, Luhan had finally found peace. He had found something he didn’t search for and he realized, he never had wanted something else.

And probably now, Luhan needed to let go of what he was to become what he wanted to be.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated. “Seriously Lin, I’m sorry. For raising your hopes where there was none and for throwing away everything we had. Back then, I really wanted to try and I really would have tried with you again.” He pauses, hearing quiet sobs from the other line. “But I can’t leave her. I can probably never leave her again.”

“She’s engaged, Luhan,” Lin suddenly blurted and from her tone he could examine the concealed sadness in the sharpness she wanted to pull off, so reproachful that it shot right through his heart. The sobs stopped, maybe because she was trying so hard to be strong and it didn’t make him feel better at all.

“Not yet,” he answered and bit his bottom lip, aware how insidious and false it sounded.

The whole situation with her wearing the ring, showing off that she was practically in a relationship which would bond her to another man for a lifetime, didn’t make the situation any easier. But there was hope because still, she hadn’t given her boyfriend an answer. And although her aim during the road trip was very strict, Luhan hoped that somehow, her aim would change - like his own did.

“You’re the worst.” And those words sounded like they were spitted right in front of him on the ground. The line went dead.

He wouldn’t have known what to answer either, because Lin was right. He was the worst and the saddest part was that he didn’t even want to fight it. He wanted to fight for Mei.

He saw her standing among other passer-byers on the sidewalk, directing her attention to the music an old man was playing on his panpipe under the light of a few lanterns. He wore a hat and had his eyes closed while he played with so much passion and feeling that Luhan’s heart clenched. He knew that song.