Did you ever love me?

November 1943, Korea

Yoona stared at the dials of her wrist watch, her eyes steadily following the seconds tick by. It was fifteen minutes after seven in the evening and she was alone. Dinner was already set on the table, slowly turning cold as she waited at one end.

Changmin should have been home an hour ago. And it wasn’t like him to be late for anything… and especially not for every night in the past week.

“Where are you, Changmin?” Yoona wondered aloud, biting her lip as she stood up for the nth time in the past half hour. Chewing on the soft skin of her lower lip, she moved towards the window overlooking the driveway—noting with a heavy heart the absence of Changmin’s convertible.

Her husband had been acting oddly for weeks now but had not started becoming late for dinner until the week before, only citing problems at the family factory as his reason for delay. It wouldn’t have bothered her normally, knowing how seriously Changmin took to handling the affairs of the business but once gossip mongers caught wind of his constant tardiness, Yoona began to hear the whispers around town.

The rumors were fierce, all aimed to inflict as much pain as possible. It had hit her out of nowhere when she first heard of it and in her own home, no less. She had been out for a short walk around the gardens with Minah when she caught wind of the whispered discussions between two maids picking flowers for arrangements in the house. The younger of the two spoke in a scandalized tone, waving her hands about. “Did you hear about the young master meeting a woman secretly in the outskirts of town? I heard he hadn’t been to the factory as much as he said he was. Do you think something is amiss?” She said worriedly, gripping a bundle of wildflowers too tight in her fist as she gestured towards her companion. The latter nodded solemnly, her face older but equally restless, and whispering back, “Of course I’ve heard! The young madam doesn’t even know!”

“Do you think he’s grown tired of her? I would hope not since they’d only been married a year.” The younger maid’s brow wrinkled at the thought. “I’d always thought the young madam was too sweet for him, to be honest. She’d always seemed so meek at home and even more so since her father died. And now with the baby, she doesn’t seem to notice much of anything but the little one.”

“They were quite young when they married. And the Master Changmin has always been an attractive man. It wouldn’t be much of a stretch to assume that he carries the affection of many impressionable debutantes, especially those from wealthier cities.”

“But do you think he would go as far as commit adultery? I know that the times have changed but—”

The older woman scoffed, her brow wrinkled as she appraised her young companion. “If kings of the olden days were able to keep concubines on the side, I wouldn’t be surprised if the young Master managed an affair or two today! The young Miss Im is too naïve, if you ask me. She’d hardly notice anything askew even if it were to happen under her own nose!”

“Do you know something that I don’t?” The young woman hissed, huddling closer. Yoona found herself doing the same, inching quietly against the tree blocking her from view. She watched as the older maid looked fervently around her before turning back, her sunken eyes wide and unflinching as she nodded.

“I heard of it from the women at the market place weeks ago but I hadn’t believed any of it until I saw it with my own eyes!”

Yoona’s eyes widened at that, her eyes filling instantly with tears as she quietly listened on.

“You saw the Master with his other woman?!”

“Yes! And that isn’t even the worst part!”

The younger woman bristled. “What could possibly make this news any worse?”

There was a pregnant pause before the old maid spoke again, her words drenching Yoona’s veins in ice as it hit her consciousness.

She knew that she was a naïve woman. Before Changmin, she had never felt anything more for the members of the opposite who had sought her hand. She hadn’t thought it was possible to care for anyone more than she had for her father, but Changmin had breached her defenses and with it left her bare to feel the agonizing pain of betrayal. Yoona longed to breathe easy as she remember walking away from the women undetected, shaking with every step she took.

Until now, as Yoona’s eyes looked on over the empty driveway, the gossip of those two maids still rung in her ears.

“The other woman is Choi Sooyoung. Miss Yoona’s closest friend!”

Her husband and her best friend? It was a cliché if there was ever one, and so it hurt all the same.

There was an old adage that said that if you hear one thing over and over again, in time you are bound to believe it to be true. Looking out the window she wondered if she could believe any of the rumors spiraling in the estate. She never heard of anything else—no change in the story or inflection. It was astounding, really, how people could keep doting on her so faithfully but talk behind her back—never giving forth information when she so desperately needed it.

Perhaps she’s been so silent for so long through all of it that no one can notice how much she wanted to scream.

A solitary tear made its way down her cheek as the clock chimed another hour passing. Yoona would have to make her way upstairs to feed Minah, give her sweet child a bath and then put her to bed. And it seemed that Changmin would not come home tonight.

With a heavy heart, she stepped back from the window and waved for the dinner table to be cleared.

~*~*~*~*~

Changmin held her up as close as she allowed him to and lead her down the hallway, carefully so as not to wake anyone (his parents, Victoria or the help) from their slumber. He eased the door open with his foot and pulled her slowly against him, wondering how the hell that man Minho managed to get his wife so drunk when he’d never once seen her drink more than a glass of champagne. A lot has certainly changed, he mused bitterly to himself as the two of them entered the room. Choi Minho had offered to help but Changmin had refused. To bring a foreign man into their bedroom was unspeakable! No matter how much his wife disliked him right now would never change the fact that this place – their space – was sacred and theirs alone.

“Tell me the truth, Changmin. You owe me that much at least.”

Yoona drunkenly pulled on his ear and he let out a surprised yelp, glaring down at her as she frowned back at him. “I asked you a question… idiot. Damned idiot.” She slurred louder this time, pulling away from him to stand shakily on her own and pouted. She pulled her arms across her chest and crossed them there, staring at him intensely that Changmin felt like running. He stayed rooted in his spot though, staring at her as softly as he could muster at the moment without provoking her.

Yoona was drunk and was probably a bit delirious too. But even at this state, he knew that she could still strike a blow if she willed it strong enough. And considering the fact that Yoona had come home intoxicated and angrier than she’d ever allowed herself to show him… well, it did not look all too promising for him to say anything out of turn. Come morning Changmin knew that she would have no idea of everything she’d say or do tonight, and that all he had to do was tough it out awhile longer until she finally fell asleep. He decided it was best to keep quiet and to get to her to bed. There was nothing more he could do anyway, but to watch over her and listen to her grumble incoherently.

Changmin pushed the door behind him closed and locked it, careful not to make any sudden movements or sounds as he made his way towards her with a tired sigh. At least now, they had a foot or two of wood and stone sheltering them from the outside world and the gossip of the help if Yoona ever decided to scream bloody murder at him. No one else needed to hear her fury no one was allowed to feel its’ thorns but him.

“Shim Changmin – goddamn it – answer the ing question.” Suddenly, one of her hands found its’ way to grip at his collar and she pulled him forcefully to look at her close enough to see the conflicting emotions in her eyes and to smell the whiskey in her breath. She screamed at him. “You could have at least let me know where you were, you bastard, instead of keeping away for five damned years in another woman’s house.”

With her one fist balled around his collar, Yoona pounded the other over his chest unsteadily as tears streamed down her face. She bit her lip and swore under her breath; the alcohol disappearing fast from her system, only to be replaced by hurt, rage and disappointment all rolled into one. She beat and yelled at him some more, “Tell me! Did you like it better there than here that you didn’t even bother to write to me or your mother?! Is your life here so horrible you decided to stay away for years at a time before finally coming home?!”

She pushed him hard once before pelting him again with her fists. He remained unmoved all the while, letting her hit him for as much as she wanted. This was a fight they needed to have. And no matter how hard it was going to be, he would bear it because they needed to move on. They needed to start over.

Let it out, Yoona, Changmin thought as she cried, Let it all out.

Yoona pulled angrily away from him, her tone loud and biting as her eyes flickered with enough rage to glue him to his spot. Changmin had always found her beautiful—even now as she cornered him with her drunken tirade. It made his blood burn in desire but he did nothing to appease her. As much as he wanted to wrap her into his embrace, to calm her into understanding, to let her feel that he wasn’t going to run off and leave her again, Changmin knew that she needed this more.

And so he stood eerily still as she paced, yelling and wringing her hands about, “What made you stay with her, Changmin? She told me – Sooyoung told me you had earned enough for a ticket home years ago but instead you stayed. And for what?!—you wanted to help Victoria’s family? Honestly, Changmin – was that really the only reason you stayed?! Or was it because of her? Did you sleep with her? Did you fall in love with her? Tell me!”

“You’re the only one I want, Yoona.” His tone was calm and sure, truthful.

Her eyes glittered with unshed tears as his words, her heart aching in her chest. She pushed hard against his chest again, meaning to hurt him at least a fraction of how much she hurt.

“How am I supposed to know that? You send Sooyoung letters but not to me. I am your wife, you inconsiderate piece of—You should be writing to me!”

~*~*~*~*~

December 1943, Korea (somewhere in town)

I hadn’t meant to.

It was all that rung in her head since after her tears had dried up. Her body felt bone-tired and weary, her skin pasty and cold as her eyes looked on mindlessly to the one sliver of light between the sealed windows and the room’s dark curtains. Days and weeks passed but she found no strength to move from her bed. Yoona wound her covers around her tight, shutting the world out. She had no right to face the light of day.

I hadn’t mean to—

—Let the water keep running.