Now that he doesn’t need to pick up Sehun part way through the day, Jongin finds himself with much more free time. This comes in handy when Kyungsoo asks him to drive him into town, to restock the estate’s food supply. They are short on enough for it to garner the head cook himself going out, apparently.

Jongin parks the car somewhere so he can help Kyungsoo with his shopping, mainly by carrying the bags. There’s so much that they have to make multiple trips to the car to drop off what Kyungsoo has purchased.

It’s still early by the time they finish. Jongin is surprised when Kyungsoo offers to treat him to a meal at the nearby pub, as a thank you for the help. Not one to refuse free food, Jongin happily accepts.

The pub isn’t busy since it’s early afternoon. As soon as they enter the man behind the bar spots them and smiles at Kyungsoo.

“Haven’t seen you in a while.” The man says when they come over.

“I’ve been busy at the estate.” Kyungsoo tells him. Jongin glances between the two, wondering how they know each other. Kyungsoo explains to him. “This is Minseok. When I was younger he let me work here for a bit, to get some experience under his cook.”

“Wish you’d stayed; you’re a much better cook than that old guy.” Minseok says, then adds. “Not that I can blame you. You must get paid a hell of a lot more now.”

“The pay is good.” Kyungsoo admits before gesturing to Jongin. “Minseok, this is Kai. He’s the estate’s chauffer and my, um, friend.”

Jongin isn’t sure, but he thinks Kyungsoo is blushing a little.

Minseok glances between them. “I see. Well, why don’t you guys get a seat. I’ll see if the cook’s still alive to make something for you.”

Jongin and Kyungsoo sit at the bar, while Minseok disappears through the kitchen door. They’re quiet for a moment, and then Kyungsoo says. “Don’t worry. He might be old, but he was never that bad at cooking.”

Jongin shrugs. He’s sure that whatever this cook’s skill level is, he has eaten worse.

A man comes into the pub and sits at the far end of the bar. Jongin doesn’t pay this much mind until he notices the man glancing their way. Jongin doesn’t recognize him. He looks to be close to Minseok’s age, perhaps a bit younger.

Jongin decides to ignore the man, who is now outright staring at them, and turns his attention back to Kyungsoo. Before Jongin can say anything, the man calls out to them.

“Hey! You!”

Kyungsoo notices the man for the first time. “Me?”

The man waves him off, gaze fixed on Jongin. “Do I know you?”

Jongin doesn’t reply. He doesn’t know who this man is and it scares him. What if he’s someone from the carnival? Kyungsoo doesn’t know anything about his past and Jongin wants to keep it that way.

Luckily, that’s when Minseok reappears. Clearly having heard the man shouting, he scowls down at him. “Knock it off, Jongdae. The last thing I need is you harassing my customers.”

Jongdae grins. “Harassing? I’m just trying to have a civil conversation. Though it is kind of hard when the person I’m talking to doesn’t reply.”

Minseok turns back to Jongin and Kyungsoo. “Just ignore that guy. He’s a useless drunk.”

“I haven’t even had anything to drink yet!”

“And you won’t, either, if you don’t leave my customers alone!”

Jongdae pouts, gaze wandering back to Jongin. Suddenly his eyes widen and he exclaims. “Wait a sec, I remember! You’re that kid from the estate! The brat’s play-toy!”

Jongin stiffens.

“Jongdae.” Minseok warns, but Jongdae has started laughing to himself, drowning out Minseok’s words.

“You don’t remember me, do you?” Jongdae says to Jongin. “After all that time I carted you around too, when the young master couldn’t play with you! I used to be Junmyeon’s chauffer, till he died and that bastard Yifan fired me. You know, I always wondered what happened to you. Can’t say I expected to see you in a place like this, dressed like all us other lower-class. Did the young master grow tired of you already?”

“Jongdae!” Minseok snaps, looking ready to kick the man out. But Jongin has already gotten to his feet. He leaves quickly, trying to ignore Jongdae’s smirk.

Jongin doesn’t stop outside the pub but keeps walking, at a brisk pace. He’s not paying attention to where he’s going but it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t know what to do. He didn’t expect to be recognized here, in this part of town.

“Kai!”

Jongin falters when he hears Kyungsoo but keeps walking. Eventually Kyungsoo catches up and grabs his arm. Jongin could pull free if he wanted but he doesn’t, allowing Kyungsoo to stop him.

When Jongin turns to face Kyungsoo he doesn’t meet his eyes. He stares at the cobblestones, waiting for Kyungsoo to ask about what Jongdae said.

Instead, Kyungsoo asks. “Are you okay?”

Surprised, Jongin can only shake his head.

“I don’t really understand what’s going on,” Kyungsoo says. “But is there anything I can do to help?”

Jongin is even more surprised. “Aren’t you going to ask about what happened?”

“I was going to.” Kyungsoo admits. “But you look really upset, and I don’t want to upset you any more.”

Jongin doesn’t know what to say. The only thing on his mind, although it’s not the time to think such a thing, is that Sehun would never show this much compassion.

“I want to tell you.” As Jongin says this he realizes it’s true.

“If you’re sure.” Kyungsoo hesitates a moment, then takes Jongin’s hand. Jongin has only a moment to stare at their entwined fingers before Kyungsoo’s tugging him down the sidewalk. “Let’s go inside first. It’s really cold out here.”



Kyungsoo doesn’t take Jongin back to the pub, but a small café. They order warm drinks before sitting down. It takes Jongin awhile to start telling Kyungsoo his story, but Kyungsoo waits patiently, never pushing him. Eventually Jongin manages to explain he came from an orphanage, and was then taken in by a greedy man who ran a carnival. Jongin tells Kyungsoo briefly about his teleportation. Although Kyungsoo is troubled by all the hardships Jongin went through, he looks impressed when Jongin explains what he had to do for the teleportation act. Kyungsoo’s reaction is bitterly gratifying. It reminds Jongin of how unimpressed Sehun was after figuring out his act and all the effort he had to put in, and how Jongin had wanted him to be impressed.

Jongin tells Kyungsoo about the day Junmyeon bought him from Baekhyun as a playmate for Sehun. As he starts talking about the three years he spent on the estate, treated as if he were Junmyeon’s son, he can’t help going into detail. He finds he goes into the most detail when it comes to Sehun.

The only things Jongin doesn’t tell Kyungsoo are what happened with Luhan and his real name. Even though now would be the perfect time to tell Kyungsoo his name, Jongin can’t bring himself to do so, not when Junmyeon himself never learned his real name.

When he gets to Junmyeon’s death, Jongin stops. He finds he cannot continue for a long time. Finally, he says. “You’ve heard how Junmyeon died. After that, Yifan told me I could stay on the estate but it had to be as a servant, and I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone I’d ever been anything else.”

Kyungsoo is quiet after this. Jongin is afraid to look at him, afraid that Kyungsoo is angry, or even worse, hurt by the fact he kept this from him.

Suddenly, Kyungsoo reaches over and takes Jongin’s hands, which are resting on the table. “I’m so sorry.”

Jongin looks at him now, and is surprised by how sad Kyungsoo’s expression is. “For what?”

“Just... for everything that’s happened to you. It must have been hard – it must be so hard.”

“I’m used to it.” Jongin says. “Besides, my life could have been so much worse. It’s pretty good, considering, even if I’m not posing as upperclass anymore. I don’t really miss it.”

“That’s not what I mean. I’m talking about what happened with Junmyeon,” Kyungsoo says. “And Sehun.”

“What do you mean?” Jongin asks, shocked that Kyungsoo has brought up Sehun’s name. Jongin doesn’t think he’s ever heard Kyungsoo call Sehun anything other than ‘young master’.

Kyungsoo squeezes Jongin’s hands, as if to give reassurance. “Losing Junmyeon must have been hard enough, but the fact that you never had anyone to share your grief or to help you get through it must have made it that much worse. You and Sehun should have been there for each other, but the fact that he abandoned you is unforgivable.”

“But it was my fault.” Jongin says, even though he told Sehun before that it was not. “Junmyeon came into my room when I was sick, and caught the illness from me. I deserved to be abandoned.”

“Of course it’s not your fault!” Kyungsoo exclaims, and he actually looks a little mad. “He could have caught it from anyone! He might have already been sick when he visited you, did you ever think of that? Maybe he knew he was sick, so he knew there was nothing to risk by visiting you!”

Jongin stares at Kyungsoo. Although he had allowed himself to consider that Junmyeon could have caught the illness from someone else, as he’d said to Sehun, he’s never considered this possibility before. It would explain why Junmyeon had visited Jongin and not Sehun, if Junmyeon had been sick as well, and Sehun had already started to recover. If this were true, it meant Junmyeon’s death really hadn’t been Jongin’s fault, and that Junmyeon had never valued him more than Sehun, as Sehun had accused.

Suddenly, Jongin is smiling. Even though they are talking about Junmyeon’s death, he can’t help it. Maybe this can finally mend things between him and Sehun. He knows Junmyeon would be happy about that.

“Thank you.” Jongin says, squeezing Kyungsoo’s hands in return, maybe a bit too tightly. He says again. “Thank you.”

Kyungsoo smiles. “Anything to help you.”



Unfortunately, Jongin cannot find the time to talk to Sehun, since Yifan is always in the car as well. They are never alone, and it would be improper for Jongin to visit Sehun’s room or try and send him a message. Jongin just has to wait, but he is growing impatient.

A couple of weeks later, Kyungsoo says he needs to go into town again. Jongin is surprised, since they bought so much last time, and Yifan has thrown no dinners, but Kyugnsoo insists.

In town, Jongin follows Kyungsoo, prepared to carry the bags as he did before. Instead of heading into a bakery or butcher’s, however, Kyungsoo goes into the florists.

Before Jongin can ask what they’re doing there, Kyungsoo says. “Do you know what Junmyeon’s favourite flower was?”

Jongin is too startled to say anything.

“I’m sorry I didn’t explain earlier.” Kyungsoo says. “A couple of days ago I overheard Yixing talking to the master about ordering flowers for the anniversary of Lord Junmyeon’s death. It’s tomorrow, isn’t it?”

“Yes.” Jongin says flatly.

Kyungsoo reddens. “I’m sorry if you’re upset. I just thought you might want to visit his grave today, since I’m sure the master wouldn’t let you tomorrow. I even brought some money for the flowers, if you wanted to get some. If you don’t want to we can go back –”

“No.” Jongin says. “No, I want to.”

Kyungsoo’s shoulders sag with relief. “Do you remember what kind of flowers he liked?”

“I never forgot.”



Jongin can’t park the car near the cemetery so it ends up being a bit of the walk. He doesn’t mind, despite the cold and snow. Jongin tells Kyungsoo he can wait in the car, which is slightly warmer, but Kyungsoo says he’ll come along.

“Unless you want to be on your own.” Kyungsoo offers.

“No.” Jongin says. “I want you to come.”

They arrive at the cemetery. Jongin knows where they have to go. He remembers the exact location, even though the last time he saw Junmyeon’s grave was three years ago. Since then, he hasn’t had the chance to visit. Yifan doesn’t permit it, because it would seem unusual if he were seen. Even on the anniversary of Junmyeon’s death, Yifan doesn’t let Jongin accompany them. Yifan even calls a cab for that day, so that Jongin doesn’t drive them and isn’t tempted to visit the grave site.

Jongin knows Yifan has his reasons, even if they are superficial concerns for his own reputation. Jongin has never complained, never even commented on being unable to visit the grave, even though it has always hurt. Now that he is finally walking the path through the cemetery, he realizes how much it hurt.

They reach the grave. Jongin is still for a moment, just staring at the snow dusted stone. He crouches down and brushes away the snow, then lays his flowers at the base of the stone. They won’t last long in this weather, but for now they look beautiful.

“My first month at the estate I was playing outside and tore up one of the flowerbeds.” Jongin says. “I didn’t really mean to. I was just running around. To me it wasn’t a flowerbed, just ground with flowers on it. Nothing special. I wasn’t used to pretty, perfect things, like that flowerbed, so I didn’t know that by running through it I was destroying it. Junmyeon didn’t mind, although the servants got kind of mad at me. Junmyeon actually laughed when he saw what I’d done. He patted me on the back and said it was fine, that they’d grow again, and be even more beautiful. He didn’t want me to feel bad. And I didn’t, not until Sehun told me they were his father’s favourite flowers.”

Jongin stands up. Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything, just watches him. After a moment, Jongin continues. “Junmyeon was always like that. He was gentle and kind. He wanted me to be happy, and if I did something wrong he never blamed me. Even when it was my fault. When I broke my arm falling out of a tree, he didn’t get mad at me or yell at me, he just made sure I was okay. No one had done that for me before. They’d always gotten mad; they’d never shown pure concern. No one had ever been worried about me before Junmyeon. No one had ever cared.”

“He sounds like he was a good man.” Kyungsoo says.

“He was the best.”

Kyungsoo leaves after that to wait on the path, so that Jongin can have a moment to himself. Jongin continues to stare at the gravestone, at the engraved name and date. He remembers the funeral so clearly. Sunny, despite the fact it had been in the middle of winter. A day Junmyeon would have liked.

Jongin remembers not getting the chance to say goodbye back then. He’s always wanted that chance, but more than that over these past three years he’s wanted to apologize, believing he really was the reason for Junmyeon’s death. He knows that isn’t true now, so there’s only one thing left for him to say to Junmyeon.

Gently, Jongin touches the top of the tombstone, remembering the warmth of Junmyeon’s smile.

“Goodbye.” He whispers.



Jongin is awoken that evening by Kyungsoo, coming into their room after finishing in the kitchen.

“Sorry.” Kyungsoo whispers.

“That’s fine.” Jongin mumbles as he pushes himself up in bed. “I meant to stay up anyway. I wanted to talk to you.”

“Really? About what?”

“Nothing much.” Jongin offers a sleepy smile. “I just wanted to thank you for today... no, not just today. For everything. To think I was afraid to tell you about my past.”

“You were afraid?” Kyungsoo asks.

“Yeah. I don’t know why. It seems stupid now. I guess I didn’t want you to look at me differently, or dislike me.”

“I could never dislike you. Kai, you’re...” Kyungsoo trails off, looking away. He doesn’t continue.

“I’m what?”

“You’re important to me.” Kyungsoo whispers.

Jongin is too tired to pay this much heed and replies. “You’re important to me too.”

Kyungsoo glances at him, but Jongin has already curled back up in his blankets. “G’night.”

“Night.” Kyungsoo whispers. Jongin fleetingly thinks his roommate’s voice sounds off, before falling back asleep.

The next day Jongin doesn’t have to pick up Sehun and Yifan, since they’ll be going straight to the cemetery after they’re finished at the firm. Jongin spends his free time checking on the car. It’s been running better since Jongin tinkered with it a few weeks ago. Although the engine still seems a bit finicky, he thinks he’s fixed it enough to put off sending it to the mechanic a little longer. Yifan has recently lost a big case to a rival firm, after all, and Jongin doesn’t want to approach him with car problems when he’s in a worse mood than usual.

Jongin is surprised when Kyungsoo shows up at the garage. He’s wearing a coat but nothing on his head or hands and is shivering.

“Hey.” Jongin says as Kyungsoo closes the door behind him. “What are you doing here.”

“I wanted t-t-to see you.” Kyungsoo says, stuttering badly from the cold.

Jongin goes over to him and takes his hands. Holding them to his mouth, Jongin blows on them. Kyungsoo stares at him, shocked.

“You’ve got to do that.” Jongin says. “You’ll warm up faster.”

“Um, if you s-s-say so.”

Jongin can’t help a small smile. “You remind me a lot of Sehun, sometimes.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes widen. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Jongin says. “When the two of us were younger, we used to play in the snow during winter. This one time Sehun got so cold he was stuttering the whole night. His face was also really red from the cold.”

“My face is red?”

“Yeah.” Jongin says, amused when Kyungsoo actually touches his cheek. “So why did you want to see me?”

“I just, um... I just wanted to talk to you, after last night... and what I said...”

“Why? What did you say?”

“You don’t remember?”

Jongin shrugs. “I remember we spoke, but I was half asleep so I don’t remember word for word.”

“Oh.” Kyungsoo sounds disappointed.

“Was it important?”

Kyungsoo seems to wince. “You could say that.”

“Then tell me again.”

“Again?”

“Yeah, since I don’t remember.”

Kyungsoo blows on his hands, like Jongin showed him to. He seems to be thinking something over. Finally, making a decision, he meets Jongin’s eyes and says. “Ok. I’ll tell you.”

Jongin is puzzled by how serious Kyungsoo is acting. “I’m listening.”

“Alright.” Kyungsoo takes a breath. “Kai, the truth is you’re really important to me.”

“Oh.” Jongin says, remembering something about this now. “Yeah, you’re an important friend to me too.”

“I don’t mean as a friend.”

It takes Jongin a moment to understand what Kyungsoo is trying to say. When he does, his eyes widen.

“Look, if you’re not interested in me that way, I understand.” Kyungsoo says, and his voice is suddenly much quieter. “I just thought, maybe, with how things have been going... look, if I was wrong, it’s okay. Just let me know.”

Kyungsoo is looking at him again, expecting something. Jongin is too stunned to say anything. His mind won’t work, spinning in circles. It feels to him like this has come out of nowhere. But at the same time, a part of him isn’t that surprised.

“I’m sorry.” Kyungsoo mumbles after it has been silent for awhile. “I don’t want to trouble you. Forget I said anything.”

Kyungsoo turns to go, but Jongin grabs his arm. Kyungsoo glances back at him, surprised, but Jongin doesn’t know what to say. He’s not even entirely sure why he stopped Kyungsoo. He just knows he doesn’t want him to leave assuming the worst. Maybe Jongin doesn’t want him to leave at all.

That’s when the garage door is thrown open. Jongin barely has time to register that the furious young man storming in is Sehun before a crumpled bundle is thrown at his feet. Frost covered flowers scatter on the ground.

“Who the hell do you think you are?!” Sehun yells. “No one gave you permission to visit my father’s grave!”

Jongin turns his attention from the flowers on the ground to Sehun, who looks as angry as he did that night in the library.

“Don’t even try to deny it!” Sehun jabs a finger at the flowers on the ground, “I know you left those! The servants told me you were in town yesterday! It couldn’t have been anyone else! So what do you have to say for yourself?!”

Jongin opens his mouth to reply but nothing comes out. He keeps thinking that he should have known that Sehun would see the flowers, and that he’d piece it together. Only he and Sehun know those were Junmyeon’s favourites.

“Kai didn’t do anything wrong!” Kyungsoo exclaims, surprising both Jongin and Sehun. “Junmyeon was just as much his father as he was yours!”

Sehun looks like he’s been slapped. Then his eyes darken and Jongin is afraid he’ll actually hit Kyungsoo. Instead his gaze snaps to where Jongin is still holding Kyungsoo’s arm. Jongin quickly releases his hold.

“Get out.” Sehun hisses at Kyungsoo. When Kyungsoo doesn’t move right away, Sehun yells. “Get out!”

Kyungsoo goes, pausing only a moment at the door to glance back at Jongin, who nods at him to hurry. Finally Kyungsoo has gone, but Sehun still doesn’t look at Jongin.

“What was he doing here?” Sehun asks, and his voice is quiet again, but perhaps even angrier than when it was loud. “This doesn’t look much like the kitchen to me.”

“He was just visiting for a minute.” Jongin says. “He wasn’t going to stay long.”

“You think I believe that?” Sehun snaps. “Who knows how long you two have been meeting here for some privacy. Wait, don’t you two share a room? Isn’t that enough privacy?”

“What are you trying to say?”

“What do you think! Carrying on with the cook.” Sehun sneers. “Disgusting.”

Jongin balls his hands into fists. Normally he’d deny something going on between him and Kyungsoo. Even after Kyungsoo’s confession, it’s his first instinct. But Sehun is going too far.

“Why should you care what I do?” Jongin demands. “I’m just another servant to you, aren’t I?”

“You’re nothing to me.” Sehun hisses. “The only thing I care about is my father! How dare you bring that cook with you to his grave!”

“I didn’t bring him!” Jongin snaps. “He came on his own, to support me! He’s the only one who’s ever tried to support me about this!”

“Why should you get support? You weren’t my father’s son, whatever your idiotic cook says.”

“So you don’t think his death affected me?”

“Of course it did. You caused it, after all.”

“Why do you keep saying that?!” Jongin yells. “Why do you want to blame me so badly! Did you ever think that maybe Junmyeon was already sick when he visited me, and he didn’t want to infect you again?! He didn’t visit you because he wanted you to live, Sehun, not because he loved me more than you! You’re right – you were his son. You were the most important person alive to him. He did everything for you. Why can’t you see that!”

Sehun glares at the flowers around Jongin’s feet. “Shut up. Just shut up. You’re wrong.”

“You know I’m not!”

“I said shut up!” Sehun yells. “What you say doesn’t matter anymore! I told you, didn’t I?! You’re nothing!”

“Why?! Why do you hate me so much?!”

“I don’t hate you!” Sehun snaps, and his voice catches. He rubs his sleeve furiously across his eyes and Jongin is shocked to think he might be crying. But when he removes his arm there are no tears, and his eyes aren’t read. He looks calmer than he has since entering the garage. “I don’t feel anything towards you anymore.”

“So that’s it?” Jongin says. “You can erase our time together that easily.”

“Yes.” Sehun says, turning away. “Don’t visit my father’s grave again.”

Jongin knows he should just let Sehun go, but he can’t help calling after him. “Every year since Junmyun’s death, I’ve wanted to go with you and Yifan to visit his grave, and not just because I wanted to say goodbye to him. I’ve wanted to go so I could support you, like Kyungsoo supported me yesterday. This whole time, you and I should have been the ones supporting each other.”

Sehun has stopped at the door. For a moment, he doesn’t say or do anything.

“I don’t need support.” Sehun finally whispers. “Least of all from you.”

Sehun opens the door and is gone. Jongin is left alone in the garage, wind howling against the walls. The weather has been horrible all day, grey and cloudy. Junmyeon would not have liked it.

Jongin doesn’t fall asleep that night while waiting for Kyungsoo, too consumed in his own thoughts.

When Kyungsoo opens the door to their room he’s very careful to be quiet. He even tip-toes in until he sees Jongin is awake. Immediately, Kyungsoo starts babbling.

“I’m so, so sorry! This is all my fault! If I hadn’t brought you out yesterday and suggested we go to the cemetery then this never would have happened! Are you in a lot of trouble? I’ll say something! I’ll explain it’s all my fault...”

Jongin has gotten off his bed. He walks up to Kyungsoo, who keeps talking, and stands right in front of him. Kyungsoo trails off when he sees Jongin’s expression.

Jongin reaches out and puts two fingers under Kyungsoo’s chin, tilting his face up. Kyungsoo is frozen as he stares at him, eyes immensely wide. Jongin stares back at him a moment, thinking about how good Kyungsoo has always been to him, how kind and supportive. It’s been three years since anyone has seemed to care as much for Jongin as Kyungsoo has.

Jongin leans down enough for their lips to touch. At first, Kyungsoo is still too shocked to react. Then they are kissing.

It’s not Jongin’s first kiss, but it’s much better.



Kyungsoo is incredibly happy, despite the fact they have to keep their budding relationship secret. Jongin is glad that Kyungsoo is so happy, and likes to think that makes him happy too. At least he can say he’s not miserable. And it helps him not think about Sehun. Maybe, if things continue, he’ll eventually not think of Sehun at all. Sehun will be nothing to him, like he is nothing to Sehun.

It would be easier to reach that point if Jongin didn’t have to drive him around everyday. His only comfort is that Yifan is still there.

Then one day, Jongin is told to pick up Sehun from the firm early, like he used to. Jongin assumes Sehun has grown bored of long hours at the law firm, or that he has plans with Zitao, whom Jongin hasn’t seen for weeks.

When Jongin arrives at the firm, however, only Sehun comes out. He gets in the car without a word to Jongin.

The drive back to the estate is silent and awkward. Jongin keeps his eyes set on the road ahead, trying to imagine that Yifan is also in back with Sehun. It should be easy to do, since the two never talk when they get a ride together, but it isn’t.

They are halfway to the estate, nearly out of town, when Sehun says. “I’ve been hearing rumours.”

Jongin doesn’t say anything.

“The servants are really quite talkative.” Sehun goes on. “Almost as talkative as Zitao. He saw something interesting at Christmas, apparently, when he visited downstairs. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but then after the incident at the graveyard, and now with all these stories coming from the maids...” In the rear-view mirror, Jongin sees Sehun shrug. “Well, it’s easy to piece together.”

Jongin keeps his attention on the road, refusing to react.

“Convenient though, isn’t it? How you two are roomed together. Still, if the rumours are true, it’s very improper. If anyone outside the estate were to find out, it would reflect badly on my uncle. And you know how my uncle is about his reputation.” Sehun starts drumming his fingers against his knee. “I was thinking perhaps reassigning you each to another room would fix the problem, what do you think?”

Jongin’s hands tighten on the wheel. He doesn’t want that to happen, but things will only get worse if Sehun knows he’s getting to him.

“No, I don’t think that’s enough either. You two might bother your new roommates by sneaking to each other’s rooms. Best to remove the temptation entirely. So, would you rather be fired or the cook?”

The car swerves.

Sehun braces himself against the back of his seat. “Perhaps it would be best to keep the cook. He seems better at his job than you.”

“Are you serious?!” Jongin demands, careful to keep control of the car this time. “You’d actually go so far as to fire us?!”

“Oh, no. Not both of you. Only one. The other may stay. If you both wish to go, of course, feel free, but neither of you will receive a reference.”

“Yifan won’t let you do this.” Jongin growls.

“On the contrary, we both know he’d be happy to be rid of you. And I’m sure I could convince him to get rid of the cook, if you’d rather. I’m rather convincing. I had lots of practise with father, when I had him get rid of Luhan.”

“So it was your fault Luhan got fired.”

“Not my fault, per se. It was his own fault, carrying on with his student. Though thinking back on it, that incident probably wasn’t Luhan’s fault at all. I wouldn’t be surprised if you forced yourself on him.”

“Would that make you happier?!” Jongin snaps. “Do you want to pretend I’m the villain in all this, and Luhan was actually in love with you?! You hate me anyway, so what would it hurt. Oh wait, you don’t even hate me. You don’t have any opinion of me at all.”

“Oh, I have opinions. Just not feelings. And anyway, why would I want to pretend something like that? I don’t care who Luhan had feelings for, if anyone. Now, would you rather lose your position or your cook?”

Jongin hardly hears the question this time. “What do you mean you don’t care about Luhan?”

“Why would I?”

“You...” Jongin stares at Sehun in the mirror. “Weren’t you in love with him?”

Sehun’s eyes widen. “Of course not.”

“But in the library, you said that you were. You said he never loved you back.”

Sehun just stares at him, and Jongin thinks he’s never seen Sehun so shocked.

“All this time...” Sehun says. “All this time you thought – Kai!”

Jongin’s eyes snap back to the road just as they veer off towards a tree. Jongin slams on the brakes but the car doesn’t stop and the next thing Jongin knows he isn’t in his seat anymore, and then everything is black.



When Jongin comes to he thinks he’s in a dream. He’s back in his old room in the mansion. Nothing has changed. Even his old blanket, the one with the stain in the corner, is laid over him. Then he sees Sehun, sitting next to his bed, and it’s not the Sehun of his childhood but the one that has rebuffed him for the past three years.

Sehun looks different. He’s always looked small, but hunched over asleep on the chair, head resting on Jongin’s bed, he looks even smaller. His face also looks scratched up. Seeing this, Jongin is immediately concerned. He tries to push himself up but he doesn’t have the energy, so he just reaches out, brushing his fingers against Sehun’s cheek. His skin feels so cold.

Jongin stays like that for awhile, watching Sehun. He still looks troubled in his sleep, even more so now. Jongin thinks it makes sense, since Sehun has been through so much more since Jongin last watched him like this. Jongin wishes he could take away those troubles. He doesn’t know why, after Sehun has been so horrible to him. Despite that, he knows he’ll always want to take away Sehun’s troubles. But he can’t. If anything, he seems to always be adding to them.

Sehun stirs. Jongin starts to pull back his hand but he’s too tired, so he just lets his arm rest on the sheets by Sehun’s head. Sehun doesn’t seem to notice as he wakes up, pushing himself off the mattress. Slowly, his gaze finds Jongin. Seeing him awake, a look of raw relief flashes across Sehun’s face. It’s come and gone so quickly, Jongin is sure he imagined it.

“You’re awake.” Sehun says, and his voice sounds hoarse. “The doctor’s weren’t sure... You’re awake.”

Jongin wants to say something, but his tongue feels heavy. So does his mind, so he decides to just wait for Sehun to continue.

He does. “You’ve been asleep for days since the accident. I didn’t think you were going to wake up. You were thrown right out of the car and hit your head and... Kai, there was so much blood, coming from your mouth and your nose and I just didn’t know what to do and I thought you’d die right there but you... but you didn’t.” Sehun covers his face with his hands, muffling his voice. “I really thought you’d die.”

“Sorry.” Jongin mumbles, because it’s the most he can manage. “For crashing the car. You okay?”

Sehun stares at him, “Yes. Yes, I’m fine. You’re the one who almost died.”

“But you... were in the car too...”

Sehun doesn’t seem to know what to say.

“Blanket.” Jongin says, trying to nod to the sheet covering him. He feels a bit delirious. “Why didn’t your uncle get rid of it?”

It takes Sehun a moment to understand the question. When he does, he replies. “I wouldn’t have let him do that. It was yours.”

Jongin doesn’t know why, but he smiles when he hears this. He’s sure he’s still smiling when he falls back asleep.



The next time Jongin wakes up he feels much more clear headed, even if that comes with a headache. Sehun isn’t in his room, but a maid is. She asks how he’s feeling and explains Sehun asked her to keep an eye on him. Having known Jongin only as a chauffer, she seems confused by all the attention he’s receiving. Jongin doesn’t attempt to explain and the maid leaves, presumably to fetch Sehun.

Sure enough, Sehun enters the room a few minutes later. Jongin can’t help thinking Sehun looks like his normal, pale self. Small but not too small.

There is a doctor with Sehun. Sehun stays as the doctor looks after Jongin. By the end of his check up the doctor says that Jongin is recovering quickly and should be back to work within a week. After that he leaves. Sehun stays.

“This might not be the best time to discuss this, but the sooner we do the better.” Sehun says. “Zitao’s cousin has recently gotten married.”

Jongin is confused. What does that have to do with anything?

“She and her husband are well off and have purchased their own house.” Sehun explains. “They’ll be looking for their own cook and chauffer when they move in. I’ve asked Zitao to recommend you and Kyungsoo for the positions.

“Before you say anything,” Sehun continues. “The pay will be just as good, if not better for you. You’ll both also receive very good recommendations from here, should you choose to look elsewhere. I have no doubt Zitao’s cousin will offer the jobs to the two of you, and I’d like you to accept. I think it would be best for everyone.

“That’s all I have to say.” Sehun concludes before leaving. “Please consider it.”



A week comes and goes and Jongin is back with the servants. Kyungsoo is thrilled. He has apparently been dying with worry, but was not permitted to go see Jongin, since Jongin was staying in one of the bedrooms upstairs.

A couple of days after returning to work, Jongin receives a job proposal from Zitao’s cousin. Kyungsoo does as well. Kyungsoo is delighted that someone else values his skills enough to want him to work for them, but also confused.

“Sehun set it up.” Jongin explains. “He wants us to accept and leave the estate. He says he thinks it’ll be for the best, or something.”

Kyungsoo is quiet after hearing this, then he says. “I think he’s right.”

Jongin is surprised. “You do?”

“Yes. Don’t you think it would be better for us to get out of here? The staff at this new place would be smaller, so we’d have more privacy, and they’re also offering both of us slightly better pay since they’re asking us to leave our current jobs. Besides, wouldn’t it be like a fresh start for you? You could put your past here behind you.”

“I don’t want to forget my past.” Jongin says. “I don’t want to forget Junmyeon.”

“I know you don’t. You’ll always remember him, and you’ll probably always miss him. I’m just saying this might help you move on. Won’t you always feel out of place, if you stay here? Especially with Sehun around. I think Sehun’s come to understand that. It’s good of him to give us this opportunity, and we should accept. Unless there’s a reason you want to stay?”

“No.” Jongin says, because Kyungsoo has reasoned away all of his reasons. “There isn’t.”

Kyungsoo smiles at him. “Then let’s accept.”



Jongin is in the back garden of the estate, for what he thinks might be the last time. He and Kyungsoo are leaving in two days, but those days will be busy. For now, Jongin has found the time to sneak away from the others and go outside.

Jongin stands at the foot of the tree he fell from as a child. Even that painful memory makes him smile wistfully. It was the first time Junmyeon showed how much he really did care for him. And how much Sehun cared for him too.

Jongin hears snow crunching and turns to see who’s walking towards him, sure it’s one of the other servants to bring him back inside. Instead, it’s Sehun, as if he were summoned by Jongin’s thoughts.

“Wasn’t this the one you fell from?” Sehun asks, staring up at the tree.

“Yeah.”

“I remember that day. You kept scooting farther out on the branch. I waved at you to try and get you to stop, but I guess you couldn’t see me.”

“I couldn’t.” Jongin says. “That’s why I kept going out farther. So I could see you.”

Sehun is quiet a moment. “I’m glad you and... you and Kyungsoo accepted. Zitao’s cousin is kind, from what he’s said. You two will be treated well.”

Jongin glances at Sehun, who’s still looking at the tree. “Why are you doing this for us? I thought you wanted to fire us, separate us.”

“I did.” Sehun says quietly, then louder. “That’s why I’m doing this. It’s all I can do, really, to make up for everything. I know it’s not enough. I’ve been horrible to you.”

“I don’t care about that anymore.” Jongin says. “I just want to know why you hated me so much.”

“How many times do I have to say this? I don’t hate you. I never did, even though I tried to. All I wanted to do was hate you, after that.”

“After Junmyeon’s death?”

“No.” Sehun says. “Though I did blame you for that, unfairly. It made it easier – at least, I thought it would. It just made everything worse. And I still didn’t really hate you.”

“Then what did I do?” Jongin asks. “What did I do to make you want to hate me?”

“You never did anything. It all came from me. It’s all always come from me.” Sehun closes his eyes. “I just couldn’t bring myself to accept how I felt, or to tell you. Then you started going into town all the time, and I used that as an excuse. I told myself that if you really liked me you wouldn’t go out spending time with other people, or get friendly with girls you didn’t know. Then Luhan came along, and after what I saw I told myself that was the end, that you really didn’t feel anything for me at all, because I’d actually seen you with someone else. I wanted to take that as a rejection, and I wanted to hate you for it, but that wasn’t fair. If I was to hate anyone, it should have been myself, for being such a coward.”

“Sehun.” Jongin says. “Are you saying...?”

Sehun looks at him now. “I liked you. No, I think I loved you. At least, I thought I did. But maybe it wasn’t love. Maybe I can’t love, since I end up pushing everything I cherish away. I guess that’s just the person I am.

“Anyway, I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through.” Sehun inclines his head to Jongin. “I hope you and Kyungsoo are happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for a long time, even if I kept getting in the way. I want you to be happy.”

Sehun walks away after he says this and doesn’t once look back. Jongin watches him go. He feels frozen to the spot, unable to move, like he did when he fell from the tree. Except that hurt less than this.



“What do you mean you don’t want to go?” Kyungsoo asks.

“I’m just not so sure anymore.”

“You’re having second thoughts.” Kyungsoo frowns. “Look, it’s not unusual. You’ve spent so much time here. Of course you’d be worried about leaving. It’s only natural. But I really think it’s best. Wait till we get there. Give it a week, a month, and you’ll be happy we did it.”

“I don’t think I will.” Jongin says.

Something in his voice makes Kyungsoo really look at him. After a moment, Kyungsoo says. “Kai, I’m going. I don’t want to make you choose, but I’m accepting this job. It really is the best thing for us to do. Please, come with me.”

Jongin holds Kyungsoo’s gaze. He thinks about how wonderful Kyungsoo has always been. How much he’s cared for him, how he’s stood by him. He can’t leave Kyungsoo now. Not after all that. Being with Kyungsoo is what he wants.

Isn’t it?


Sehun doesn’t see them off. He stays in his room, sitting at his chess table, staring at the chess pieces. He remembers how he used to make Kai reset the board after every game. Kai would always be so focussed on getting the pieces to line up perfectly, he wouldn’t notice Sehun watching him. Kai never noticed Sehun watching him.

Sehun picks up one of the white pawns. Kai’s favourite pieces. He never understood why, although he always wondered. But he didn’t want to ask. That would have been admitting he didn’t know something, that he couldn’t figure it out.

If he had the chance, Sehun would ask now.

Sehun hears footsteps in the hall. Loud, hurried footsteps. Probably a servant come to remind him of Kai and Kyungsoo’s departure, to ask if he wants to say goodbye. Sehun decides he will ignore the servant. He won’t even answer the door.

The servant doesn’t knock, however, but throws the door wide open. Sehun turns to scowl at the servant and order them out, but then he sees who it is. Sehun drops the pawn he’s holding.

“Kai.” Sehun breaths.

“Actually,” Kai says. “That’s my stage name, from the Carnival. My real name is Jongin.” 

“What?” Sehun says, confused. He doesn’t understand. Why is Kai – Jongin, saying this? Why is he still here? “Aren’t you leaving?”

“I’ve told you that before, haven’t I?” Jongin says, giving Sehun a lopsided smile. “I’ll never leave you. I can’t leave you, Sehun.”

“Of course you can. I set up a good job for you, and it’s easy to switch –”

“That’s not what I mean. I don’t want to leave. I want to stay here, with you.”

Sehun just stares at Jongin for a moment. For once he doesn’t know what to say. He feels like he can’t keep up with this situation, can’t understand it.

“Why would you want to stay with me?”

“Because I love you.” Jongin says. “And I think I have for a long time. Maybe even since we were kids. I’m sorry I didn’t figure it out sooner.”

“I don’t know what to say.” Sehun says, because it’s true. He’s too shocked, both by this confession and the sudden, overwhelming happiness it brings. Sehun cannot remember the last time he had felt like this.

Jongin smiles, and it’s so open and warm and loving that Sehun feels his breath catch. “If you don’t know what to say, then say my name. I’ve been wanting to hear it for a long time.”