“I was thinking,” Jongin says, “Why don’t we go for a walk in town this afternoon? You don’t have lessons, and it’s lovely out.”

Sehun doesn’t reply, complete attention on the chessboard between them, drumming his finger atop his rook as he contemplates his next move.

“You could write to your father about it.” Jongin suggests. “He’d love to hear you’ve been out of the house.”

“I can write to him about that anyway.” Sehun says. “I hardly have to leave the house to write down that I’ve done so.”

“You’d lie to your own father?”

Sehun places his rook. “Check. Your move.”

Jongin glances at the table a moment before sacrificing a pawn.

“Really, Kai. You didn’t think that through at all. I swear you’ve gotten worse at this game over the years instead of better.”

Jongin shrugs. “Back to my proposal. Your father would be delighted to hear you’d been out, and wouldn’t it be so much easier to write to him about it if it actually happened?”

“I have a vivid imagination.” Sehun mumbles, before moving his queen. “Your turn.”

Jongin moves his bishop to take one of Sehun’s pawns.

“Are you even paying attention, Kai?”

“About as much attention as you’re paying to me.”

Sehun rolls his eyes and moves his queen again. “Checkmate.”

“Already?”

“Like I said, worse and worse.” Sehun sighs as he knocks over Jongin’s king. “Three years and you haven’t beaten me once. Didn’t you used to boast that you would?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Jongin starts putting the chess pieces back in order. “Is that what you want to wear to town, or are you going to change?”

“I’ll change.”

“Hurry up, then. I’m all ready to go.” Jongin continues lining up the chess pieces.

“Kai. I’m going to change. Can you leave?”

“But I’m not done.” Jongin says innocently, gesturing to the chess table.

“Then finish quickly.”

Jongin does not increase his pace.

“Kai.”

“What’s the problem? We’re both guys.”

“It’s common courtesy!” Sehun snaps.

“Fine, if it’s such a big deal.” Jongin puts a last piece into place and gets up. “Not that I’d even look, with such a scrawny, pale body likes yours – ”

“Get out!” Sehun yells, jabbing a finger at the door. Jongin smirks at him before leaving. He’s not sure, but he thinks Sehun was blushing.



Sehun straightens his collar for what must be the fifth time, glancing around the street uncomfortably. “Why couldn’t we just stay in the car?”

“That isn’t a walk, Sehun.”

“It’s as close as I want to get to a walk.” Sehun drops his voice. “There are too many people looking at us.”

“That’s because they don’t often get to see such a dashing young bachelor. And his sickly friend.”

Sehun scowls at him. “My health’s improved and you know it. I’m not so sickly anymore.”

“You’re still pale.” Jongin points out.

“That’s just my complexion. You don’t have to comment on it every chance you get...” Sehun trails off as something ahead catches his attention.

“Sehun?” Jongin asks, “What is it?”

Sehun is quiet a moment, then shakes his head. “Nothing. Can we stop somewhere for tea? I want to sit down.”

Jongin agrees to this and brings Sehun to one of his favourite cafes. Lately, Jongin has found he likes going into town, likes how busy and alive it is compared to the calm of the mansion. Sehun is not such a big fan of town, however, so Jongin usually makes his trips while Sehun is in his lessons. At fifteen, Sehun has more lessons than ever.

Jongin places both their orders, earning a frown from Sehun, who would rather make his own decisions when it comes to tea.

“Trust me.” Jongin says. “I know you. You’ll like it.”

Sehun is quiet a moment longer before diverting his attention to the other patrons. “Very well.”

Jongin smiles to himself and watches Sehun as he watches the rest of the café. Never once does Sehun smile, that closed expression of disdain a constant on his face, but his eyes slowly travel the room, examining everyone. They come to rest on a table somewhere behind Jongin.

“The girls around here.” Sehun says. “Do they always gawk so much?”

Jongin casts a quick glance over his shoulder, where a group of young women are watching them and giggling amongst themselves. Jongin flashes a smile, which makes them giggle even more, before turning his attention back to Sehun, who is scowling.

“What?” Jongin asks, “They’re harmless.”

“Not if you encourage them.”

“I’m not encouraging them. I’m just being friendly.”

“It’s the same thing.”

“Whatever, Sehun. You know, one of these days you’re going to have to learn to be friendly with girls. With everyone, for that matter.”

“I don’t see why.”

“You can’t stay locked up in the mansion forever.” Jongin says. “One day you’ll have to go out in the real world.”

“I’m in the real world right now, and I don’t particularly fancy it.”

“You know what I mean. You’ll have to get a job, get married, start a family – ”

“I’d rather not.” Sehun glances around the café, “Where is our order? This is taking an awfully long time.”

“Sehun.”

“Kai, I don’t want to talk about this. I’m only fifteen. I’ve got a few years yet until I have to worry about something as tedious as marriage, and maybe I won’t have to worry about it at all. We’re well off, so I won’t have to marry for convenience, and there certainly isn’t any other reason I can see to marry.”

“Aside from the obvious, of course.”

“And what’s that?”

“Come on, Sehun. It’s love. Someone in your position, you could easily marry for love.”

“Love.” Sehun echoes. “I don’t think that’s obvious at all, and definitely not easy.”

Before Jongin can reply, the waiter arrives with their order; some pastries Jongin has grown found of, and two cups of tea. Sehun ignores the pastry in favour of trying his tea. Jongin watches his friend bring the cup to his lips.

“Well?” he asks, after Sehun sets it down.

“It’s fine.” Sehun says. “A little sweet.”

“I thought you liked sweet.”

“I did.” Sehun says. “Lately I find I prefer bitter.”

“Oh.” Jongin says. “I wasn’t aware.”

Sehun picks up his cup again. “I guess you don’t know me that well after all.”



Jongin arrives home from town one day just in time to cross paths with an unfamiliar man leaving the house. He greets Jongin with a friendly smile and inclines his head before taking the steps to his own, waiting car. Jongin is surprised, because he has never seen this man before and he looked so young. All the servants in the house are decades older than him, and Sehun never receives guests. Junmyeon does sometimes, but he’s still away on business.

Once inside Jongin goes straight to Sehun’s room. He could ask one of the servants after the young man, of course, but judging by his dress and car he was a man of some standing. If anyone had spoken with him, it would have likely been Sehun, however unlikely that seems, since it’s Sehun.

“Welcome back.” Sehun says. He’s sitting at his desk when Jongin walks in. “As always, thank you for knocking.”

As always, Jongin had not knocked. “Who was that man who just left?”

Sehun glances at Jongin curiously, “You mean my tutor?”

“I thought your tutors were all old men.”

“This one’s new.” Sehun explains, turning back to his desk and pile of notes. “He’s much better than the others, actually, since he’s younger. Only four years older than us, but he’s already attending university. He’s going back again once summer’s over. He’s really quite smart.”

Jongin frowns. A young, university tutor? He can’t remember Sehun ever mentioning this before. “When did he start tutoring you?”

“A couple of weeks ago.” Sehun replies flippantly.

“I’ve never seen him here before.”

“Yes, well.” Sehun’s voice sounds slightly tighter now. “You were usually out in town. He’ll be here again tomorrow. Perhaps you’ll see him. If you do, try not to be rude – in other words, don’t be yourself.”

Jongin is used to Sehun’s jabs, and usually returns them in kind. Today, however, his focus is elsewhere. “What’s his name?”

“Luhan.” Sehun says, and something in the way Sehun smiles as he says it makes Jongin’s gut clench.



Because Sehun’s lessons have become such a high priority, he spends most of the day studying. The only time he has to play chess with Jongin on lesson days is in the evening. Jongin used to look forward to this time, when he could tell Sehun about everything he’d seen in town and listen to Sehun’s brief complaints about his elderly tutors and boring study material. Ever since Jongin has learnt of Luhan’s existence, however, their chess time seems half composed of chess, half of Luhan discussion.

“He suggested I apply for the same university, when I’m old enough.” Sehun says as Jongin tries to come up with his next move. “He said he thinks I’d do well there, and that I’d find the course work far more interesting than what father has me studying now. He said he’d even give me a tour of the campus, though he’ll be graduated by then.”

Jongin’s rook hovers over a spot. He’s about to put it down when he realizes Sehun could take it with his queen. Jongin replaces his rook and searches for another possible move.

“Luhan even said, if father allows it, I could travel back with him to the university at the end of summer. He’ll be going back a week early, he says, so he could show me around a bit. He said he thinks I’ll like the environment. It’s very studious, apparently. Luhan said he really enjoys it, that the professors are very smart and it’s easy to keep to himself if he wants to. He says he met some interesting people, though, and he’d be happy to introduce me if I wanted. Luhan said – ”

“Can you shut up?!” Jongin snaps, “I can’t think when you keep babbling like that!”

Sehun falls silent, staring at Jongin first with surprise, then reproach. “What’s the matter with you?”

“Nothing.” Jongin grumbles as he finally moves his bishop. “I just couldn’t come up with a move.”

“And you still can’t, apparently.” Sehun moves his rook. “Check.”

Jongin groans.

“Luhan and I played chess the other day.” Sehun says, “We finished lessons early, so I asked him if he’d like to have a game before his car arrived. The match lasted longer than we’d thought it would, and he ended up late leaving. He actually beat me.”

Jongin stares at the board, not really seeing it.

“I was surprised, but then again, he is four years older than me. I guess it’s that it’s been awhile since I’ve been beaten by someone. Then again, my only playmate for the past three years has been you. Even father doesn’t play with me anymore, though it had reached the point where he couldn’t beat me. I never thought I’d say this, but losing to Luhan was actually sort of refreshing. I can’t wait to have another match.”

Jongin abruptly gets up.

“Kai?” Sehun frowns up at him, “What’s gotten into you?”

“Nothing.” Jongin snaps, rubbing his temples. “It’s nothing.”

“Then sit down and let’s finish. We’re almost done anyway. You’ll be beat in three more moves.”

Jongin grits his teeth. “You always say that kind of stuff. When you’re about to beat me, you always brag about how many moves are left, and you’re always right. How do you know? Did you know when you were playing with Luhan?”

“No.” Sehun says, still frowning. “I couldn’t predict Luhan’s moves. He was beating me the entire game. But what does that have to do with anything?”

“Nothing!” Jongin yells. “It has nothing to do with anything, just like Luhan has nothing to do with anything but you always bring him up!”

“I don’t understand.” Sehun says, “Where is this coming from? You’re being absurd.”

“I’m being absurd?! Sehun, all you talk about these days is Luhan! I’m sick of hearing about him! I’m sick of hearing his name!”

Sehun’s eyes narrow. “And you don’t think I’m sick of hearing you talk about your trips into town? About the different cafés you’ve visited and all the acquaintances you make? But I always sit here and listen to you. I don’t throw a tantrum like a child.”

“So what, I’m a child now?!”

“No, but you’re acting like one.”

“We’re the same age!” Jongin snaps.

“I’m aware. In light of that, could you try acting a bit more mature?”

“You prefer mature people, don’t you? Well, sorry I’m not like that!” Jongin turns away and storms to the door.

“Where are you going, Kai?! We aren’t even done our match!”

“Finish it with your precious tutor!” Jongin yells, “It sounds like he’s a lot more mature than me!”

Jongin slams the door behind him, not waiting for a reply. He’s glad Junmyeon has since stopped assigning a maid to sit outside Sehun’s room. A witness would have made that even more mortifying.

Jongin already regrets his words. He slinks back to his room, wondering all the while what came over him, why Sehun’s constant chatter about Luhan has been grating so badly on his nerves and why he finally snapped. For a moment he considers returning to Sehun’s room and apologizing.

Then he remembers all of Sehun’s glowing praise for Luhan, and the way Sehun says his tutor’s name. Sehun has never said Jongin’s name like that. He’s never even said Jongin’s real name.

And no matter when Jongin tells him his real name now, Sehun will have always have said Luhan’s name first.

Anger boils within him again and Jongin shuts himself in his room. He does not speak to Sehun for the rest of the night.


Almost a week has passed since Jongin’s fight with Sehun. He spends even more time in town, arriving just before supper, so there is no chance he’ll run into Luhan. Supper is the only time he sees Sehun. They’re civil, but only because they are silent.

Jongin wishes the fight would just blow over, but he knows that will only happen if they talk about it, or if he apologizes. His pride prevents him from doing that, but so does the sense of puzzlement at his own behaviour. He does not want to apologize until he understands why he acted out in such a way.

A letter arrives from Junmyeon, who is still away on business. He has been so pleased by Sehun’s recent enjoyment of his lessons he has decided it is time for Jongin to receive lessons as well. He and Sehun will not study together, Junmyeon apologizes, for he is afraid it will distract them. He has organized for Sehun’s lessons to carry on during the afternoon as they have been, and for Jongin to have lessons for a few hours in the evening, after supper. Junmyeon says he has already organized everything with the tutor, and Jongin’s lessons will start the following week.

At first Jongin is sceptical. Although he appreciates what Junmyeon is trying to do for him, he relishes his free time and has never envied Sehun’s long study hours. To have lessons in the evening would also mean cancelling his and Sehun’s after supper chess games.

Not that they have been having those recently.

By the time Jongin’s first day of lessons arrive, however, he has grown excited. Now that he and Sehun do not spend time together in the evenings, Jongin finds that time of day rather tedious, and it would be improper for a boy of his age to stay so late at town. He has had nothing to do but lounge in the library, where he attempts to make use of the skills Junmyeon paid to have him taught when he arrived at the mansion. Jongin is glad he knows how to read, because no one at the orphanage and certainly not the Carnival ever taught him, but he cannot help finding the books in the library rather boring. He spent one entire evening going through the library, trying to find the book Sehun was reading the day he first was brought to the mansion. He can faintly remember the look of the cover, despite such a time lapse, but he has no clue as to the title. He never found the book.

Overall, his evenings have been filled with boredom. Perhaps lessons will prove more interest, if more work. Maybe by the time he and Sehun make up Jongin will have learned enough from his lessons to have proper, mature discussions with Sehun.

Jongin is so looking forward to his lessons he returns home early, not wanting to be late, even though they do not start until after supper. He worries briefly about running into Luhan, but he does not.

Jongin changes for supper, making sure he looks his best for his lessons afterwards. He does not want his tutor to think him sloppy, even if it is the truth. Jongin takes so long making himself presentable, he is late for supper, and a servant is sent to remind him.

Sheepish, Jongin hurries downstairs, smoothing his shirt up to the moment where he enters the dining room. Ever since his arrival at the mansion, when Sehun pointed out his crinkled shirt, Jongin has gone the extra mile to appear untidy. Today, however, he wants Sehun to see he is making the effort.

Entering the dining room, Jongin is surprised to see someone sitting in the seat to Sehun’s left. They never have guests for dinner.

“Finally.” Sehun says when he sees Jongin. “Do sit down. We’re hungry.”

Hesitantly, Jongin takes his seat at the end of the table, where he has been sitting since their fight, seeing as Junmyeon is absent. “You could have started without me.”

“Yes, I wanted to.” Sehun says. “Luhan wouldn’t let me.”

Next to Sehun, Luhan smiles. “It’s only proper to wait.”

Sehun rolls his eyes, but Jongin sees his slight grin.

“What’s he doing here?” Jongin does not mean to ask it, and certainly not in so blunt and rude a manner, but it slips out.

Sehun glares at him, but Luhan doesn’t look offended in the least. In fact, he’s still smiling.

“I’ll be joining you for dinner from now on, I hope you don’t mind. It’s just more convenient that way. Lord Junmyeon was the one to suggest it. You see,” Luhan says, “Starting today I’m your new tutor.”



The desk in Jongin’s room has never gotten much use. Considering the reason it is being used now, he’d almost rather it had stayed that way.

Luhan has pulled a chair over, to sit beside Jongin at the desk. Jongin doesn’t like being so close to the tutor. Luhan is oblivious to this as he flips through the textbook he’s laid on Jongin’s desk. A history text, of some sort.

“Junmyeon thought we should start with this.” Luhan says. “He thought you’d find it more interesting, since there’s a story to it.”

Jongin glances at the book. Luhan has opened it to a map of the world.

“Where would you like to start?” Luhan asks, nodding to the map, “There’s something on most places in this book. If one of the country names sounds interesting to you, I can tell you a bit about it before you decide to start studying it or not.”

Jongin cannot believe Luhan knows something about all the different places on this map- places he himself has never heard of before. There are too many, and most are so far away.

“If you can’t decide, I can make some suggestions for you.” Luhan offers when Jongin remains silent for awhile.

“No.” Jongin says, because he realizes this will be a good opportunity to test Luhan’s intelligence, see if he’s really as smart and knowledgeable as Sehun makes him out to be. “I’ll pick somewhere.”

Jongin inspects the map a moment before pointing to a place he cannot even pronounce, “Tell me something about this one.”

Luhan looks at it a moment, then smiles slightly and starts describing the country to Jongin, starting with the natives and their language. He tells him when it was annexed, by who, and for how long. He does this with the next country Jongin points out, and the next. For a couple Luhan even has comments on current political situations. When Jongin shows a puzzled expression at these comments Luhan apologizes and says, “I’ll teach you a bit about politics later. It can sound like a different language to those who don’t know anything about it.”

Sehun has mentioned before that he enjoys learning about politics, and that Luhan is always eager to engage with him in debate. Maybe Jongin could learn about them a little.

Almost an hour has passed and Luhan has known multiple facts about every country Jongin has pointed to. Finally, Luhan asks him to decide on one because, he says, although he’s enjoying this they really need to start the actual lesson.

Jongin decides he simply wants to learn something of their own country’s history, although he feels a bit embarrassed admitting how little he knows. Luhan only smiles and says it’s a wonderful idea.



Begrudgingly, Jongin decides after a week, and then another, that Luhan is not so bad. In fact, Jongin has even started to look forward to his lessons.

Although Jongin has made some acquaintances in town and gets along with the servants, his only constant companion has been Sehun. Because of this, he can’t help comparing Sehun and Luhan. His tutor is energetic in a way Sehun never is, and very passionate when discussing certain topics. Jongin doesn’t know if Sehun is even capable of being passionate.

Altogether, Luhan just seems more alive than Sehun. He also brings their lessons to life, and Jongin finds he has begun to cherish Luhan’s company.

That doesn’t mean he has stopped missing Sehun. They have yet to make up. But being around Luhan helps him forget about his argument with Sehun, and push back the reason for the argument, whatever it was.

Sehun is quiet at supper tonight. Jongin has since moved to sit in his usual seat, at Sehun’s left, even though Junmyeon has not yet returned and the chair at the other end of the table is still free. It was at Luhan’s prompting that Jongin join them at Sehun’s end of the table, so that they may converse more easily.

Luhan is telling them a story about one of his professors. Jongin laughs when Luhan gets to the part where his professor is so flustered by a bee that has gotten into the classroom that he knocks over the globe on his desk, which rolls right out the door and into the hall. Sehun doesn’t seem nearly as amused by the story.

“He deserved it.” Luhan says. “You remember that civil war I was teaching you about the other day, Kai? Yes, well, we were having a debate about that, and he took the complete opposite view of everyone in the class, and wouldn’t budge. He was certain he was right, the stuffy old man.”

Jongin is about to comment on this, because he remembers a bit about the civil war, and Luhan’s position seemed morally astute, so he cannot imagine someone opposing it. Before he can speak, however, Sehun does.

“Civil war? You didn’t teach me about that.”

“I don’t teach you history.” Luhan points out. “Doesn’t one of your other tutors cover that?”

“Yes.” Sehun says, his voice quieter than before.

“Well there you go. He’s probably much better at teaching it than I am, anyway. He’s a professional. Kai will no doubt have a skewered view of history by the time your father gets back, thanks to me.”

Luhan smiles at Jongin when he says this, and Jongin smiles back. Jongin thinks Luhan is a much better teacher than he makes himself out to be.

Sehun watches them exchange smiles and does not say a word.



“He misses you, you know.” Luhan says at the end of their lesson that evening.

“Who?” Jongin asks, although he already knows.

“Sehun.” Luhan is quiet a moment before he continues, “I don’t know what happened between you, but it was a fight of some sort, wasn’t it? Can’t you two try to make up? I can see you miss him as much as he misses you.”

Jongin rubs the back of his neck, feeling awkward. “I don’t know how to make up. It was my fault, mostly, but I just can’t find a way to set it right.”

“You could apologize?” Luhan offers, but Jongin is already shaking his head. “Why not?”

Now Jongin shrugs. “I just... can’t.”

“Well, there’s certainly no arguing with that sound logic.”

“You don’t understand.”

“Then why don’t you explain it to me?” Luhan asks. “What was the fight about? Maybe I can help.”

Jongin nibbles his bottom lip nervously. Luhan’s very intelligent. Maybe he could help Jongin figure out what to do. But Jongin acted so childishly – which he is well aware of – and he doesn’t want Luhan to think less of him. To think he’s an immature kid, like Sehun does. He likes how Luhan treats him with respect, talking to him like they’re on the same level. Even before their fight, Sehun didn’t always do that, and Sehun is in fact a few months younger than him.

But Jongin does want to make things right with Sehun, so he says. “It was about you, actually.”

Luhan’s eyes widen, “Me?”

Jongin nods as heat climbs his face, embarrassed about how he acted. “It was a little over a month ago, after that first time I ran into you. After that, Sehun kept talking about you. He wouldn’t talk about anything else. I guess I got sort of... well, sort of jealous, that you two were spending so much time together.”

Luhan catches his breath, “Is that true? You were jealous.”

Again, Jongin nods, realizing how true it is. He was jealous. But why? Was it because he didn’t like the thought of his friend being stolen by someone else? He’d never been worried about that before. In fact, he’d always tried to push Sehun to make more friends by taking him out to town and introducing him to people, though of course Sehun had never made an effort, when he did bother to come. Still, Jongin hadn’t been jealous about that, so why had he felt that way with Luhan? Was it because Sehun had such a high opinion of him? But that still wasn’t reason enough, so why...

“Kai.” Luhan says, cutting into Jongin’s thoughts. They’re both still sitting down, close to each other, so when Jongin turns towards his tutor, Luhan only has to lean forward. It takes Jongin a moment too long to realize Luhan is kissing him.

Jongin lurches back, almost falling off his chair. He shoots to his feet, staring at Luhan as he backs up. Luhan stares back, startled.

“What are you doing?” Jongin demands.

“I...” Luhan’s eyes are still huge. “I don’t know... I thought, because you said you were jealous and... I thought...”

“You thought wrong.” Jongin says.

“I... I’m sorry...”

“Please leave.” Jongin says.

Luhan stares at him a moment longer before quickly looking away. He grabs his satchel and starts stuffing away his materials. Jongin can see his hands are shaking.

Luhan almost knocks over his own chair in his hurry to get up, and swings the strap of his bag over his head. Jongin is just about to turn away when Luhan reaches the open door and exclaims, “Sehun!”

Jongin’s attention snaps to the door, where Sehun stands in the hall, looking in. His face is impassive. Jongin feels as if his heart has stopped in his chest. Did Sehun see?

“That wasn’t what it looked like.” Luhan babbles, stumbling over his words.

“What do you mean?” Sehun asks. “Did something happen?”

Luhan blinks up at Sehun, first stunned, then relieved. He quickly shakes his head and hurries past Sehun with a brief goodbye.

Once Luhan is gone, Jongin asks, “Did you really not see?”

“See what?”

Jongin studies Sehun’s gaze but, like usual, it reveals nothing. “Never mind.”

“I don’t know why you two are acting so strange.” Sehun says. “It’s normal coming from you, of course, but usually Luhan is more collected.”

“Do you need something?” Jongin asks. It’s been weeks since Sehun has visited his room, but Jongin needs him to leave. He’s still trying to come to terms with what just happened, and he can’t with Sehun standing right there.

“I don’t need anything.” Sehun says. “I came to tell you father has returned.”

“Oh.” Jongin says, wincing when his voice comes out hoarse, “Thank you.”

“Thank father, not me.” Sehun says as he turns to go. “He’s the one that pays for the lessons you seem to be so enjoying.”



The next day is a break from lessons. Junmyeon is so happy to be back home with ‘his boys’ as he calls them, that he takes them out to town for the whole day. Sehun is less than pleased by this, although his mood somewhat improves when they stop by an expensive parlour for tea in the afternoon.

At one point, Sehun excuses himself to go to the washroom. While he’s gone, Jongin steals a taste of his tea. Junmyeon smiles, amused as he watches him, and Jongin knows he will not mention it to Sehun.

The tea is very sweet.

“You two have been very quiet.” Junmyeon observes, before Sehun returns. “Or is it that I’m doing all the talking?”

Jongin grins, which, luckily, is answer enough for Junmyeon. He does not yet want his caretaker to find out about the distance that has grown between him and Sehun. One of Junmyeon’s greatest delights has been the friendship between his son and, as he has come to call Jongin, his adopted son. Jongin doesn’t want to cause him pain.

Sehun returns and shortly after Junmyeon goes to pay the bill. While he is gone, Jongin sets his gaze on Sehun across the table and asks, “How was your tea? Bitter?”

“Delightfully so.” Sehun replies.



Because the previous day was one without lessons, it is not until two days after the incident with Luhan that Jongin learns the tutor has been fired. Instead he has lessons with one of Sehun’s stodgy old tutors.

The lessons with his new tutor are so boring Jongin actually falls asleep in his chair a couple of times and receives harsh reprimands when the tutor notices. After his lessons have finally concluded, Jongin goes straight to Sehun’s room. He does not knock.

Sehun is sitting in bed, reading a book, like the day Jongin first arrived.

“What happened to Luhan?” he demands.

“I didn’t realize you were so attached.” Sehun says, flipping a page of his book. “I thought you didn’t like him. Didn’t you get angry with me for talking about him so much?”

This is the first time Sehun has brought up their fight since it has happened, but Jongin ignores it. “Did you have him fired?”

“Father was the one to fire him. I don’t have that power.”

“I didn’t ask if you fired him, I asked if you had him fired.”

“And I’m saying, go speak to father if you’re so concerned.” Sehun turns another page of his book, and that is when Jongin knows for sure he is not actually reading it. “Maybe if you ask nicely, father will hire him again for you.”

Jongin leaves the room without another word, slamming the door behind him. It’s not that he wants Luhan as his tutor anymore – in fact, it’s probably easier on both of them not to see each other again after the incident – but he wants to know why Sehun would have him fired. He thought Sehun liked Luhan.

Was it because Sehun really did see the kiss?

Jongin finds Junmyeon in the study, doing paperwork. He smiles when Jongin comes in, and for a moment Jongin thinks Junmyeon looks paler than usual, more like his son.

“What can I do for you, Kai?”

“Luhan.” Jongin blurts. “I wanted to know why you had him fired.”

“Oh.” Junmyeon sits back in his chair with a frown. “Yes, it was odd. I thought he was getting along with the both of you. Sehun certainly seemed to like his lessons, and Luhan reported to me that you were a very good pupil. But when I returned Sehun told me Luhan had been behaving... how did he phrase it? Yes, he said Luhan was behaving inappropriately. He wouldn’t go into detail about it, but by telling me something like that, I had no choice but to fire him.” Junmyeon fixes Jongin with a look. “Did you have any issues with Luhan?”

“Not... not really.” Jongin says, his mouth dry. “He was a good tutor. But if Sehun found him inappropriate, then I guess it was for the best you let him go.”

“Thank you for understanding.” Junmyeon says. “I’m sorry the change in tutors was so abrupt. If you’d like, I can find you a new one.”

“No.” Jongin says. “The one I have now should be fine. Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me, Kai.” Junmyeon says with a smile. “It’s about time I focussed on your education. After all, you’re my son now too.”



Jongin finds his new tutor extraordinarily boring, but he makes no mention of it to Junmyeon. He does not want to come off as unappreciative.

One evening, however, Jongin’s lessons are abruptly cancelled when a message is sent that the tutor cannot make it. He has, apparently, fallen victim to some sort of flu that is going around.

“It’s a shame.” Junmyeon says, after delivering the news to Jongin. “I hope he’s better soon. A lot of people seem to be catching it.”

Jongin sees how true this is when two days later one of the footmen fall ill, and then several maids in his wake. Jongin feels bad for the servants, but this sort of thing has happened before. It’s just like every other virus travelling around, Jongin thinks. They’ll all catch it and recover in a week.

But a week comes and goes and no one recovers, they just get worse, and to top it off more people have caught the flu, both in town and at the estate. And then one morning Junmyeon shows up at Jongin’s door, face drained of colour, telling him Sehun has fallen ill.

Jongin is worried sick, but he does not go to Sehun right away. He doesn’t think Sehun will want to see him, not after their fight, although it happened two months ago, and especially not after what happened with Luhan, which he still believes Sehun might have seen. Jongin takes to ghosting around the halls outside Sehun’s room, begging information out of every servant and nurse that passes through his doors.

A message arrives from the town, nearly a week after Sehun has fallen ill. Apparently Jongin’s tutor has died.

Within the hour more reports of fatalities arrive from town. One of their maids, who had gone home not out of illness but to help her sick family, had also contracted the flu and since passed away. It is a pandemic.

Once the shock at this news blows over, Jongin is in a panic. He rushes to Sehun’s room, but the servants won’t let him in. They say it’s by Junmyeon’s orders that no one aside from the nurses and doctor may go into the room, since Sehun is likely contagious. Jongin tries to push past them anyway, but one of the footmen, the last to stay healthy, holds him back.

“Let me go!” Jongin yells. “I have to see him!”

He’s making such a scene that the servants send for Junmyeon. In the meantime they continue to try and calm him down, explaining that Sehun is sleeping and needs his rest, but Jongin doesn’t care. He has to get in and see Sehun. Even if it’s taken weeks for others to die from this disease, Sehun has always been weak. What if it doesn’t take as long? What if he passes away before Jongin can say he’s sorry? This might be his last chance to explain himself to Sehun – to see him again, to lose one more chess match – and he can’t let anyone stop him.

By the time Junmyeon arrives Jongin has started crying. Junmyeon pulls him away from the footman and into an embrace. Jongin clutches at the older man’s clothes, sobbing into his shoulder.

“I know.” Junmyeon whispers, rubbing smooth circles into Jongin’s back, “It’s going to be okay, Kai. Sehun’s going to be okay.”

When Junmyeon says those words there is a break in his voice, and Jongin knows he is trying to reassure them both.



That night Jongin stays up late, hiding in one of the empty guest room near Sehun’s room. He watches from a crack in the door, waiting for the maid on guard outside Sehun’s room to leave for something. Finally, she does, to go to the washroom or retrieve whoever will switch shifts with her. Jongin doesn’t care what the reason is, because it’s the opportunity he’s been waiting for.

Jongin crosses the dark hall and slips into Sehun’s room. It smells like medicine and sickness, and Jongin has the urge to turn tail and flee. He does not.

Sehun is curled up under his covers, facing away from Jongin. He looks as small and frail as ever and Jongin can see his shoulder blades sticking out of his back.

Crossing the room, Jongin stands at Sehun’s bedside, looking down at his friend. In sleep Sehun’s face shows more emotion than it ever has when he’s awake. The emotion Jongin sees now is raw and painful, almost too much for him to bare, and he wonders if this is what Sehun looks like all the time, under his mask. Does Sehun carry around these feelings all day, bottled inside, never sharing them with anyone?

Jongin doesn’t think he’s made any noise, but suddenly Sehun is opening his eyes. His gaze is glassy, unfocussed, as he turns toward Jongin. Jongin doesn’t know if Sehun looks this way because he is just waking up, because of his medication and the illness, or some combination of it all.

“Why didn’t you leave?” Sehun asks, in a breathy, sleep laden voice.

“What do you mean?”

“You could have left whenever you wanted.” Sehun says. “You can teleport. You could have left.”

Jongin knows Sehun isn’t completely there when he says this, but he doesn’t know if he should reply or not.

“You could have left me.” Sehun says, and his voice is even weaker.

“I’d never leave you.” Jongin says, but Sehun has already closed his eyes, and he doesn’t know if he heard him, or if he’ll remember. Somehow it doesn’t matter to Jongin, because now that he’s said it, he knows it’s true.

“I’ll never leave you.” Jongin repeats, and his voice cracks when he says, “So you can’t ever leave me either.”



The next morning, Jongin wakes up in a coughing fit. One of the servants in the hall hears him and immediately informs Junmyeon, who sends the doctor to check on Jongin. The doctor says Jongin has contracted the virus.

Despite the belief that the virus is contagious, Junmyeon sits with Jongin for awhile, until the medication the doctor has given him makes Jongin fall back asleep. In his last moments of consciousness he can still feel Junmyeon squeezing his hand.

Time becomes a slippery thing as Jongin’s sickness evolves. The coughing fits become more violent, often waking him despite the doctor’s medication. He throws up most of his meals, and one day he even throws up blood, sending the nurses into hysterics. The doctor gives him a new type of medication after that, a sort of syrup that is a very ugly colour and tastes almost too bitter to swallow.

The bitterness reminds him of Sehun.

Jongin tries to ask about Sehun, but the nurses and doctor are always so busy when they tend to him, and Jongin always feels so groggy he does not get the chance. No one has told him Sehun has passed, so he at least has that. Then again, would they tell him while he’s in such a poor condition? Are they waiting for when he’s better, if he’s ever better?

The worry eats at Jongin, but the sickness is all consuming and he eventually enters a sort of delirium where not even the worry can reach him. Some part of him, a small part, still whispers that the hours, the days are passing, and he has heard nothing from Junmyeon or Sehun. Has he finally grown so contagious that not even his adopted father dares visit him?

Although his fever is usually too high for coherent thoughts, Jongin still has an overwhelming sense of loneliness. It is like being back at the Carnival. He is surrounded by adults, but none of them are his friends. None of them are his family.

Jongin dreams, but most of those dreams are nightmares. His most constant nightmare is getting trapped below the stage at the Carnival, during one of his performances, and choking on the smoke that has been released for his act. He always comes out of those dreams coughing.

Then, one night, he has a pleasant dream. In his dream Sehun is at his bedside, skin glowing white in the moonlight. He is so thin and so pale he looks like a ghost, and Jongin thinks that maybe he is a ghost. Sehun’s ghost has come to visit him.

“You were stupid.” Sehun says, and his voice sounds different. Far away, but there is another difference Jongin cannot put his finger on. “I shouldn’t be surprised. You’ve always been stupid. But this is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done. Going into my room when I’m contagious. Do you want to die?”

Jongin tries to answer, tries to tell Sehun he just wanted to see him once more, but his words come out an incoherent mumble.

“Well, I don’t care if that’s what you want to do.” Sehun says. “You’re not allowed, understand? You aren’t allowed to leave me. You already chose to stay and you can’t go back on it. You can’t leave, understand? You can’t die.”

Jongin feels something clutch at his hand, and it takes him a moment to realize it’s Sehun. Sehun picks up Jongin’s limp hand and holds it against his cheek. Jongin is too delirious to react and just watches as Sehun takes a shuddery breath, which he can feel. He also feels something wet against his hand, like water. He wonders what it is, but his mind won’t work properly.

“Don’t leave me.” Sehun whispers, and he whispers it over and over, “Don’t leave me, don’t leave me, don’t leave me.”

He tries to tell Sehun that he won’t, that he’s already told him he won’t, but his lips won’t move to form the words.

“Don’t leave me, Kai.” Sehun says.

Jongin wants to tell Sehun his real name. He wants to hear Sehun say his real name, at least once, even if it’s just Sehun’s ghost. But he can’t even manage that much.

Defeated, Jongin falls back into the blackness that has become so familiar. The last thing he registers is the slight warmth of Sehun’s face against his hand before he fades away.



“Kai? Kai, can you hear me?”

Jongin wakes up to the doctor peering down at him. The doctor smiles.

“That’s a boy. Congratulations, Kai. You’re through the worst of it. It looks like you’re going to be just fine.”

It takes Jongin awhile to comprehend this. When he does, and when he realizes what this means, tears brim in his eyes.

“Look at that.” The doctor says to one of the nurses, “He’s so relieved he’s crying.”

But that’s not it. The doctor is wrong. Jongin is not relieved at all, not remotely happy, because he’s remembered Sehun’s ghost. What good is it if he’s survived but Sehun did not?

“We’ll leave you now.” The doctor says. “You still need your rest, but you’ll be fine. First, there’s someone who wants to see you.”

The doctors and nurses leave and Sehun’s ghost comes in. His face is as closed as it was in life, and he is dressed from head to toe in black.

“You’re dead.” Jongin says, his voice a small, raspy sound.

Sehun still hears him, and his expression does not change when he says. “I’m not dead. The one who’s dead is my father.”



The funeral is on a sunny day. Jongin thinks it’s fitting, since Junmyeon himself was always so bright and cheerful. The thought doesn’t make Jongin feel better, but it’s there all the same.

Sehun is silent the entire time. When asked if he wants to speak, he shakes his head once and no more. Jongin is not asked if he wants to speak because he is not really family. Jongin doesn’t know if he’d want to speak in front of so many people, Junmyeon’s family and friends and colleagues, but he would like the chance to say goodbye to Junmyeon, and to thank him for everything he did. He had three years worth of chances to tell Junmyeon this while he could still hear him, but Jongin wasted them.

A part of Jongin wants to cry, but he does not. Sehun doesn’t cry either. He doesn’t even look sad. In truth, he doesn’t look much like anything, staring with glassy eyes at the coffin and grave.

After the service they are driven back to the mansion. Sehun’s uncle, Junmyeon’s brother-in-law who Jongin has only met twice, rides with them. He is a tall, stern man named Yifan.

On the ride back Yifan explains to them that he will take care of running the estate and live with them until Sehun has reached adulthood. It’s what Junmyeon wanted, or so he says. Jongin isn’t sure if he believes Yifan who, although very serious, doesn’t seem to feel any remorse over Junmyeon’s death. He seems to be treating it as a matter of business. Jongin cannot imagine Junmyeon could ever have wanted such a cold person to look after his son, even if Yifan is Sehun’s only surviving relative.

When they reach the house Yifan sends them upstairs to change for supper. As they walk down the halls to their rooms, Jongin realizes it is the first time he and Sehun have been alone together since Sehun brought him the news of Junmyeon’s passing.

“It was sunny.” Jongin says, because the silence between them feels wrong. Junmyeon would want them to speak. He’d want them to lean on each other for support. “I think your father would have liked that.”

Sehun doesn’t say anything.

“I think he would have liked the service too. Did your uncle arrange it?”

Again, Sehun remains silent.

“How are you feeling?” Jongin asks as a last resort, aware of how pathetic and pointless a question it is. He expects Sehun to keep quiet again.

“You wouldn’t understand.” Sehun whispers.

“I kind of understand.” Jongin says. “He might have been your actual father, but he was like a father to me too.”

“Exactly.” Sehun snaps, “He was my father. But you were the one he went to see when you got sick, even though he knew he might catch it from you. He still risked it, and it got him killed.”

Jongin feels his blood run cold. “He didn’t really catch it from me... did he?”

“Who else would he have caught it from?!” Sehun demands, and his voice has risen. Jongin doesn’t think he’s ever heard Sehun so loud, so angry. “You were the only one he went to see! He didn’t visit me, even when I got so sick the doctor told him I might die! He didn’t visit me but he visited you! You aren’t even his real son, but you were the one he risked everything for, and you were the one who killed him!” Sehun looks at him now, eyes cold and hard as he repeats, “You killed my father.”

Jongin stops in his tracks, watching in a kind of stupor as Sehun rushes away from him down the hall. A few moments later and he hears the door to Sehun’s bedroom slam. The only time Jongin has heard that door slam is when he slams it himself, angry or frustrated with Sehun. This is the first time Sehun has shown anger – real, pure anger – towards him.

But Jongin can’t blame him because he realizes Sehun is right. He killed Junmyeon.



Yifan sits at the head of the table during supper. Even though Yifan will be the master of the house now, it still feels wrong to Jongin, seeing him there. That is Junmyeon’s seat.

Jongin sits in the middle of the table, equidistance from Yifan and Sehun, who are at either end. Jongin can’t bring himself to look at Sehun, but he knows that even if he could Sehun wouldn’t return his gaze. The pale boy is fixed on the dining room windows, his face a mask of stone.

“There’s a matter I feel must be addressed as soon as possible.” Yifan says, when they have finished their meal. He catches and holds Jongin’s eye. “To be honest, I always found it improper how my brother-in-law has treated you. Even if he meant to adopt you, he never did so officially, and therefore you are nothing more than a freeloader in this house. Yet you are treated the same as a lord’s son. This does not sit well with me, and now that I am master of the house I plan to amend the situation.”

Jongin swallows, his throat suddenly dry. He doesn’t reach for his water, however, because his gaze is locked with Yifan and that seems to paralyse him.

“If you wish to remain on the estate, you may.” Yifan continues. “But things must change. Quite frankly, you are not upperclass. I don’t mean to speak ill of the dead, but I think it inconsiderate of my brother-in-law to have treated you as if you are upperclass. It gives you false hopes and comforts. From now on you’ll work as a servant and keep from associating with those above your station. It’s about time you returned to your proper world.”

Jongin is too stunned to reply. Gradually he finds his gaze going to Sehun. In this situation, Jongin cannot protest or defend himself, but Sehun can speak on his behalf. After all, the estate will one day belong to Sehun. Yifan will listen to him.

Sehun doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t even glance at Jongin, gaze still on the windows, but Jongin is sure Sehun knows he’s looking at him. He is choosing not to meet his eyes, not to acknowledge him, not to help him. Sehun’s choosing to abandon him.

Yifan dismisses them now, saying to Jongin, “For tonight you may reside in the room my brother-in-law provided for you. Tomorrow, more permanent arrangements will be worked out.”



That night, Jongin curls up under his covers, clutching his red throw blanket to his chest. It’s the same blanket he and Sehun shared the first time they played in the snow together. There’s still a dark stain near one corner, where Sehun spilled some of his cocoa when Jongin accidentally knocked their knees together under the blanket. Sehun had been so startled that he’d jerked away, causing the mug in his hands to tip. Jongin had laughed at the time, and Sehun had been very embarrassed.

Jongin hugs the blanket to him, that image of a twelve year old, red-faced Sehun sharp in his mind. But it blurs and is soon replaced by the cold, indifferent fifteen year old he saw today. The one that refused to defend him.

Jongin pushes the blanket away. It was senseless of him, getting attached to it. He’ll have to leave it here when he becomes a servant and moves to the servant quarters, and Yifan will likely have it burned, because of the stain. It’s best to start to sever the attachment now, on his own. That way when they are forced apart, maybe it will hurt a little less.

But it’s just a blanket. It’s not going to notice Jongin has gone, and it’s not going to hurt. Only Jongin will feel pain.

Sehun’s face flashes across Jongin’s mind once more before he falls asleep. This time it’s not child Sehun or cold Sehun, but Sehun’s ghost. The one who came to Jongin when he was ill and begged him not to leave.

For a while, Jongin hadn’t been sure if he had dreamt of Sehun in his delirium, or if the boy had actually visited him. Now he is sure. The Sehun that begged him not to leave would never sit by and watch them be separated. That Sehun would do what he could to keep them together.

When Jongin finally falls asleep, he doesn’t dream of ghost Sehun or real Sehun. He doesn’t dream of Sehun at all.