In a lost city across the sea of years

In a room with light of fears

No one will see this heart is full of rain

That I show my thorns to hide my pain

This is a story of me and my kin

my confession

one curse of story tales

I sat on a wooden chair beside the window of my room. I watched some kids are playing around across the frontyard of this old nunnery building. The humming of joys and laughters, at the same times was loudly annoying and  sickening. This place wasn’t of all calming for me anymore, but living with new people who did know nothing about my family saga could help me much of a new life which I thought It’s not necessary.

I valued everything around me with my own way which couldn’t accepted by most people, included my family. But I never considered this dark side is a disease nor a curse. I got along with it since childhood. This place is full of light, really not my taste. I really hate being in a light. Made people could only see the surface yet put a side the message I sent them as me. I never could give them the best impression. Not like I wanted it. Because people mostly judged me by my appearance. So I acted by their thought and played with it for my own joy. A part of me miss those days honestly. But it doesn’t mean I want it to get back to me. Not this time.

“Kyahahahaha...”

“Kibum, don’t run like that!!”

I saw a three years old kid followed by a grey cat was running toward me with his tiny feet. His hands held a book and swayed it right and left. He grinned happily as if he just stealing a treasure from the novice who also run after him.

He stopped before me and put the book on my lap. His eyes were wishing me to do something with the book “book fairy!!!” he babbled excitedly to me. I tried to take a look and let out a light chuckle “So this book has reach this place too?”

“Yes. I heard this book is best seller around children and Sooyoung brought this from a charity event from the maintown. Do you know this book, Yeojin? I heard you came from Seorabol” The young teen nun said in front of me.

I carressed the cover. I didn’t need to read the book because I knew about what the story inside. It’s about a pretty girl who was scorned by her two stepsisters. In distress, the child disguised herself to go to a ball with the help of a fairy god mother. She met a prince who adored her and romanced her. Her happiness eclipsed the plight of her stepsisters, whose ugliness was the cause of high merriment.

 “I know the writer”.

“Oh my God, really???!! He must be so romantic to write a story like that. I wonder if a fairy does exist” Sulli squeeled as if her gazes flew out of the window.

“Yes. It does exist. I killed one when I was seven years old” I smiled to her which made her own smile faded in an instant.

“Yeojin, you don’t have to say that lie if you don’t believe of fairies nor story tales especially in front of Kibum”

I glanced at the little kid in front of me. His little eyes were so clear and shine. A picture of purity and naivety. He raised both of his hands as a sign for me to lift him up. I put the book on the table beside me then granted his wish and held him firmly. I glanzed back to Sulli “You are wrong Sulli. I don’t lie. But eventhough I mean it that fairy does exist you won’t believe me either. You may have heard about the rumour of me having a mental disorder too, don’t you?”

She quickly shook her head “No. I don’t mean like that”

“It’s okay Sulli. People are used to distrust me. Most nuns here too, they think I am here because I have affair with priest Leeteuk. I know they actually want me to leave”

She stared at me in silent for a moment. I thought it was the time for her to not too close interacting with me. I wasn’t there because I was a sinner. I am still I was. She had to know that.  “Is that the reason of your anguish, Yeojin?”. I was taken a back with her question “Pardon?”

“It’s not about people who distrust you, but you’re the one who distrust people around you” My eyes widened. Her stare sent me some sadness instead of a pity. Her words were exactly the same with the ones I heard from someone I hated the most years ago.

“You know nothing about me”

“Is that the reason why you never smile that reach your eyes too?”

I felt surprised again. I lost my words. We stayed with that position only God knew how long. In that long pregnant silence, I tried to find any lies or flaws  in her while on the other side she tried to persuade me to be open with her. We stopped the silent when Kibum yawned in my embrace.

“You’re sleepy?” I asked him. He circled his arms around my neck and buried his head deeper toward me. I his hair gently.

“He is so cute, isn’t he? Does he resemble his father?” Her voice become softer.

I glanced at her and shook my head lightly “No. He resembles himself. My Key”

She looked puzzled hearing my words. I walked toward my bed and placed Kibum carefully on it. He closed his eyes already. He must be so tired of playing around that he didn’t ask me to sing a lullaby for him this time.

“Want to hear my story, Sulli? It’s not sad, not a happy one too. You may loath me and feel disgusted in the middle and leave before I finish but—“

“It’s okay. Nuns here learns to understand and forgive everything” she cut my words.

“Sulli, you’re still in novitiate. You haven’t officially a nun yet. This is not—“

“Believe me. You may still never trust people, but please just this time. Trust me” she begged.

I smiled at her “I hope you can heed it until the end, Sulli”

*****

In my world, people judge someone by appearance and family background. They judge women by the shape of their face. Dog-like face tend to be nice, friendly, wise, and obedient. Cat-like face tend to be cute, dexterous, loving but selfish. And Fox-like face is the type that mostly people to beware for, they think a woman with foxy face tend to be pretty (mostly like a seducing face), cunning, ambitious, traitorous, and act like a . 

I am born with this face thanks to my mom. People called me a little fox, thanks to my mom too. I hate world since that time. But hating doesn't mean I run away from them. I'll challenge them with their believe. Let's see how a ty face like me could make in this world. I laugh everytime I am thinking of that. They have rules to maintain society and punishments toward whoever that violates the rules. But for me, I have my own rules and judgement. Also my own way to punish myself...

My family lived at a small house at a suburb. Not so live happily that everyday was filled with yelling and nagging. I thought as long as there's bread in our stomach and warm clothes to wear everyday, it's called happy. But my mom thought otherwise...

One day, my mom brought me and my fat sister to a big house to meet a middle age man and his beautiful daughter. For my surprise, her attitude changed 180^o to be like a kind yet lovingly mother. I know my mother isn't like that. Sitting from the side, I could see from her eyes a big ambition. Interesting...

She introduced them as our new father and sister. Lord Im Jongin and his only daughter Yoona. I didn't really care with the old man but his daughter. She's beautiful. Her attitude and the way she talked showed me how a high class woman was supposed to be. Which type of her? Dog, cat, or fox? I am not sure. My first impression of her is 'perfection'.

Girls adore perfection. But if that perfection belong to someone else, they tend to hate it. I glanced to my mom for a second. She turned to me and let out a cunning smile. I stunned with surprise when my own lip performed the same smile. I laughed inside myself. Apple doesn't fall far from it's tree. It run in my blood.

I glanced back to Mr. Im's daughter. She smiled tenderly toward me and even called me 'Sister'. I smiled back. ‘Let's see how this perfection could last long’ my mind told me.

After through several visits and dinners, my mom finally got married with Lord Im. The wedding was held on Im’s family own garden. That man looked so kind and wiseful. Full of charisma. So different with all men whom were seduced by my mom before. I still couldn’t believe why he got attracted with her. What did he see? Love or merely lust.

“Sister, you have to smile. Are you not happy?” Yoona whispered to me. I, she, and Shinyoung stood behind my mom who stood with my new father in front altar. We held the edge of her long and expensive wedding dress until the wedding vow was ended.

I turned at her “Why you look so happy? You just share your father’s love to three strangers”

She lowered her head and smiled shyly “Of course I am happy. I have Mom and 2 sisters. I was used to be alone at home since I born. Now that I have you. I won’t get lonely anymore”

This girl why was so optimistic? Why did she trust people so easily? She didn’t know how much her smile hurted me. How much I wanted her to know how wrong she was.