Today stretches for endless miles and you stand in the thick of it all.  Thoughts of you spring from random corners of my mind like the crooked arms of a giant tree.  Every leaf that sprouts soon tumbles alone; and every flower that emerges, however refined in beauty, soon reveals a blemish…

The morning’s events play themselves over and over… You, called out and summoned to stand up before the entire class and those police officers.  You, looking at me, saying jumbled up words with your eyes.  You, hauled out before whispering classmates, and then pressed into a police car.  You, with that look of fear in your eyes, the same look of panic I once witnessed and hoped never to see again.  You, keeping your head down while police lights flash and curious eyes follow your every step.  You, telling me you had lived recklessly.. (well, so have I.. what the does that mean right now?!..) 

My thoughts sway with the stark realization that despite how far we’ve come, there is one too many things we have kept from each other, one too many words we have left unsaid.

The past overflows and keeps me drenched.  The taste of guilt and regret lingers..  If I cannot undo what is done, I want to do everything I neglected to do then – give everything you expected of me.  I want to protect you, I want to show you that you can trust me like you once did.  I want so much, yet in the end, what am I good for?  I can do nothing but stand there and watch them stuff you in a police car. 

Why did they say you did what you haven’t done??  Where did they take you?  Would they threaten you?  When will they send you home?  Will your temper flare or will you sit still and absorb it all? 

I wait two hours outside your house.  Night approaches.  No call or a single text from you all ing day.  Your sister passes me by on your front step as she leaves for work. 

“So you two have worked it all out, have you?” She stands before me, cloaked in an air of exhaustion. All I can think to do is nod.  I’m not sure if that is a look of anger or frustration or pity I catch in her eyes.

Before long there are quiet footsteps on the concrete stairs.  You look calm and unruffled.  You have carefully tucked away today’s anxieties someplace out of sight.  You read my eyes and in a fraction of a second, I know you understand why I have been waiting here longer than a little while.

I have longed to bring you home.   Too much time has gone by and today brings a yearning for that bit of the past.  You hesitate at the door and hold my gaze.  I read your eyes and spot a crack or two in your defenses.

You help yourself to a glass of water and sit down cross-legged on the floor.  Your eyes follow me in silence as I prepare the ramen.  We have done this countless times before... but today, there is no small talk, no idle laughter, no radio humming in the background.  The stillness clamors.

Your eyes moisten and your ramen bowl sits untouched.  We are doing it again – stepping up and then slipping softly between silences.  I opt for a mouthful of ramen and find it tastes as bland as paper.  Your eyes redden as you urge me to speak..  You must already know what I mean to say – you know the answer before I speak the question.

You say you searched for another like me, hoped to find him … You say you wanted to mend your heart, needed something to stick your heart to.  Your words sting like salt on a wound.  You bare your scars and let your tears leak and fall.  You say this pain is shared.  It is here.  It pulls taut and slackens and strums like a cord between us, even when we forget it’s there.    My entire being heaves like a swollen dam at breaking-point. 

‘We are alike, you and me’ – I hear you comfort and soothe and forgive me all over again. 

The quiet heaviness snaps and the pot of ramen steams between us.  I want to tell you how badly I missed you. I want to say I never tried to look for another like you, I knew it would be futile.  I want to tell you that I meant it when I said you are the only thing I know valuable enough to sacrifice.   I want to tell you I dare not get this close only to lose you all over again.   I want to go back to the carefree time when we wore our souls on our sleeves.   I want so much, but for now I gulp down the hot ramen, along with the words burning the tip of my tongue. 

You finish your second bowl and unfasten the buttons of your jacket; your shoulders relax.

“You don’t have to go back to the police station, do you?” I hold my breath without knowing it. You lower your head and rub on your knees.

“Don’t think so.  In any case, they know where to find me.”  Your calm returns, just as mine fizzles away.

“Stay here tonight.”  The words fall out before I can check them.  “You can sleep in my bed… if you want.”

You nod slowly with a hint of a smile on the corner of your lips. 

My eyes and feet follow you as you walk over to the adjacent spare room; I stop at the door.  You pick up the thick blanket and pillows sitting on the chair by the cabinet.  I watch as you spread them down on the floor and crawl on top of the blanket. You mumble something about a wet sock before pulling it off your foot.  You lie down on your side, close your eyes and wordlessly tap the spot next to you.  I find my breath and join you on the cold blanket.

 “I’ll text noona…tell her you’re here tonight.”  My eyes roam the ceiling.  You exhale heavily. 

“No need to.”

“Heung-soo-ah….”  I turn my eyes to yours.

“Any more secrets…?”  The words tread softly from my lips and I fall in step with them.  You remain silent and stare as though you can see through me.

“I won’t lie… I freaked out this morning.  Wondering what the was going on… why the police were involved… what you were going through.  Almost drove me crazy.  If there’s anything else… tell me.   The truth is…”

“Nam-soon-ah…”, your voice sounds clogged with sleep, “Say it.  Just come out and say you missed me.”  Your eyes gleam in the dull light and you crack into a smile; I throw a pillow at your head. 

“There are many things I could tell you, Nam-soon-ah. Things I did, things that happened. They’re not secrets… and we’ll get to them.  A lot of can happen in three years...  I know you have stories to tell too...”

I stay awake long after midnight.  Your breathing evens and you sleep like a child.  I think on your words and will the night to slow its pace.

If I fall asleep and wake up on that one night years ago when you told me you loved me, I would tell you I loved you back..  

Now, you are here..  And with you close by, I can carve a little corner of the world where today is as present as it can be, while tomorrow’s cares wait till tomorrow.    

I am finally done chasing shadows...