[August 2013]

Story Title:  Der Mӓrchenclub
Story Author: pinboo

However, I feel like you’re not one of those people.

It’s true that “grading” titles is something that takes place on an individual’s pure opinion, but I genuinely love your title. I’m sure that there are a few people out there who would argue that points should be deducted here because your title is in a different language which some people believe that you shouldn’t do, but I think that would be a tad bit ridiculous. Correct me if I’m wrong, but the title is German, right? The phrase isn’t one that would be considered common, but because it’s not common, it piqued my interest right away. Though I’m not fluent in any language other than English (hurhur, whoops!), I was able to deduce some simple things from the title itself since English is a Germanic language after all.

The big thing that stands out is the word “club.” From some of my personal knowledge, I know that elite clubs typically have their names in foreign language. I’m therefore going to go ahead and assume that your story is about a privileged group of men and women and that their background is rooted in Germany. And when I think of Germany, I think of the Brothers Grimm. So when I actually got to reading your story, I was delighted to find that I came to a pretty good conclusion! Your story seems to be centered around these twisted fairy tales, and dear God, I am so excited to read this.

In short, the title of your story not only manages to pique a reader’s attention, but it also manages to fit the plot of your story very well. Though the title is in a different language, it is short and memorable. Well done!

Appearance:  5/5
Unlike some other reviewers, my definition of appearance circulates around the appearance of the text: text features, sentence structure, paragraphing, etc. Looking at appearance in the mere aesthetic sense is something else entirely, and I feel that judging an author on those aspects is a bit ridiculous since – in more cases than not – the author doesn’t create the graphics for their story themselves (I understand that you’re an exception to that rule, but again, this is just in most cases).

But I’m going to go ahead and mention some aspects of the latter as well, because, wow, the primary display of your story is nothing short of flawless.

Though it bothers some people, I really like that each chapter of your story had a different poster. Not necessarily a different chapter poster, but having something new to look at every time I clicked on the ‘next’ button was something that I found I enjoyed. (And every poster that you have for this story is absolutely lovely, so kudos to you!) I do have to point out that on a number of your chapters, the poster has exceeded its photoshop bandwidth. As a suggestion, I’d like to point you to either imgur or minus as both are wonderful image hosters but have no limits as to number of views (that I’m aware of, at least).

The only thing that bothered me a bit was the background image of the story. The graphic itself is gorgeous in its own right, but I feel that it’s a tad distracting. In my opinion, a background should be something simplistic – a texture, for example – that you find yourself looking at maybe once or twice. With your background, I found myself looking at the details of it just as much as I would if it were a poster, which isn’t exactly a good thing. Of course, it’s not exactly a bad thing either. Of course, this is just a minute matter of my personal tastes, so no points have been deducted.

As I’ll later mention in the following section of this review, your overall formatting is flawless. The usage of Times New Roman fits the aura of your story, and the text isn’t too big or too small.

I sometimes find double spacing between paragraphs of text to be kind a nuisance of sorts, but I feel like it fit your story nicely. I can’t give you a definite reason as to why your story is an exception, but I feel like it may have to do with the overall textural structuring of your story. In the paragraph sense, each body of text was set in a varying length, offering some variety to what we were looking at. The sentences themselves also had varying lengths, which I feel contributed to the overall flow of your story: too many run-ons and it becomes dragging, too many fragments and it becomes too choppy. You have a wonderful mixture of everything that you needed to have, which many people can’t accomplish.

Description/Foreword:  14/15
I definitely have to commend you for the quality of your writing in your description and foreword. The stylistics of it are absolutely lovely and I have no doubt that they set a good idea in the minds of the reader for the type of aura that your story is going to have. That’s something that’s incredibly important when it comes to garnering the attention of your readers (which is why descriptions and forewords exist). You wrote just enough to captivate your audience, but not enough to spoil any aspects of your plot. Kudos to you for that!

There are a couple of reasons why I deducted points from you in this section: primarily, an abundant amount of unnecessary space and the questionability of the necessity of some of the things you decided to include in your description/foreword. Most of these are very easy fixes, so I didn’t see the point in docking off too many points from your score. There were a number of grammar and punctuation errors littered throughout your description/foreword, but I’ll touch on that more in the grammar portion of this review.

During the time when I first started reviewing this story and the time that I finished reading it (I really do apologize for such a long wait. I tend to take meticulous notes on each chapter that I review, and your story has a lot of chapters – not that I’m complaining, of course. But we’ll get to that later.), I think that you deleted most of the space. However, in the foreword, just under the part that says “Little children, what fairy tale do you want to hear tonight?” you display a couple of (absolutely gorgeous) trailers that were created for your story. There’s an unnecessary abundance of space there that should be an easy fix.

(I also feel that I should mention here that the line: “Little children, what fairy tale do you want to hear tonight?” would be better in italics, in my opinion. The italics give it an ominous sort of vibe. The correct English should also be “Little children, which fairy tale would you like to hear tonight?”)

I’m also stuck questioning the necessity of a Table of Contents within the foreword of the story. I can understand that the formatting of AFF was different and you were previously unable to read the titles of chapters on the sidebar. However, now that it is available, I feel that including your own Table of Contents is completely unnecessary and just exists to take up space.

While space isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I feel like it’s best to keep your description/foreword at a good length. Having to do some additional scrolling for no true purpose can be tedious and sometimes offputting. Of course, your titles have absolutely fantastic names. But I’m sure that a new reader who has just stumbled onto your story will take the time to read each one, you know? In my own case, I was a bit annoyed at having to do the additional scrolling to get to the next button at the bottom of the page because I was so excited to start reading, but there were a few nuisances in the way.

But I absolutely adore the rest of your formatting here. It’s exquisite! The slight addition of color near the end of the foreword matches your story very well, in my opinion.

Another thing that bothered me slightly (though you haven’t been deducted points for it as it’s a mere personal opinion) were some of the pairings that you included in said section of the description. Though I can see how most of them pertained some importance to the storyline, the pairings SooChul and HaeFany were so minute that I wasn’t even able to consider the couples as pairings as all. In my opinion, there was nothing romantic hinted between those two pairings at all, and I felt that what they shared were pure interactions between two individuals. Again, this is just my opinion.

 

Storyline: 22/25
Your overall storyline really blew me away. I felt that it was incredibly unique but due to the nature of how it was told, it also retains a shocking amount of reality that I wouldn’t have expected from a story with great fairy tale influence. Your flow throughout the entire piece was wonderful: nothing felt too rushed or too slow. I really like that the true nature of the plot is revealed early on in chapter three. You didn’t drag down the exposition portion of your story at all, which is something that I find that writers subconsciously end up doing.

What astounds me is just how obvious it is that you spent a lot of time properly planning this out. With the dozens of subplots simultaneously skirting around one another (Donghae, Yoona, and Jessica’s childhood history; Sunny’s affair with Sungmin; the link between the older generation and the deaths of Jessica’s parents; the connection between the older generation and Tiffany, etc.), it’s clear that you didn’t just write out this entire story on a whim. Not many people can accomplish pulling off such a feat, so I really feel the urge to congratulate you on your success. The fact that everything is so perfectly intertwined with one another is an even bigger plus.

I also like how you handled the topic of romance in the story: it’s there, but it’s not one of the main points. The fact that it’s sort of in the background is something that I really admired.

On top of all those subplots, your main plot was filled with so many large twists that I almost couldn’t believe what was going on – in a good way, of course. What’s so magnificent about all the surprises that you threw our way is that if you backtrack yourself a bit, the twists were all hinted at along the way. In the case of Tiffany’s faked death (which I really didn’t see coming, by the way), when you mention that Sungmin covered it up by telling the girls not to get any closer, everything suddenly made sense. While Sungmin’s actions seemed to be completely normal during that moment in the story, with the later realization that he was one of the bad guys, it covered up the fake death perfectly.

Unfortunately, the fact that you had such a magnificent storyline overall means that all the bad aspects of the plot became a lot more noticeable. I skimmed enough in an attempt to ignore the grammar of your fic (I’ll talk more about your grammar later), but near the end, I found myself skipping over entire sentences – paragraphs, sometimes – rather than just a few words. I’m not foolish enough to read your story in one sitting (because at that point, I think that skipping over things due to exhaustion is a typical outcome; I also made sure to only read this when I was fully awake – not tired – in order to avoid the aforementioned response), so I feel that the lack of excitement that the ending brought to me is what did it.

Near the end of the story, I found myself becoming disinterested. Sure, you pulled a couple of plot twists, but there was nothing that really caught my attention. Siwon’s involvement with Der Mӓrchenclub was predictable since Heechul had continuously forced it into the readers’ heads at the beginning of the story. Tiffany being the one without a role was something that I had actually assumed at the beginning of the fic (sometime in chapter seventeen), but cast aside when she “died.” Jessica calling her out as the “uninvited one” was nothing exceptional, and with all the buildup you had provided in the story, I was hoping for a more interesting plot twist. I found myself sorely disappointed.

As the plot neared its end, it started to feel… predictable?

I was really disappointed when Yoona didn’t get shot at the end and Donghae came out of nowhere to play the role of Prince Charming. It was kind of predictable because apparently, no matter how many times she pointlessly gets herself into danger, nothing bad really happens to her. I understand that is a horrible, horrible thing, but the fact that it didn’t seem to emotionally scar her in anyway (well, I’m sure that it did. It just wasn’t really enforced in the story as it should have been since she ‘s one of the main characters) made me question why it was even included in the story. I understand that it might have been in order to reveal Donghae’s insanity or whatever, but I’m a bit disappointed at how the scene was written. It didn’t include the trauma that I feel victims usually experience, especially since the man that her was her very own brother.

When Donghae runs to her instead of Jessica – who’s literally bleeding on the ground – I was incredibly annoyed. Because yeah, you can love two people, but shouldn’t you worry about the person who’s dying over the one who just kind of stands there and does nothing? I understand that he loves Yoona to the point of obsession, but honestly, I found their entire relationship to be incredibly annoying. I thought there was some potential when it was revealed that they’re half-siblings, but apparently not.

It’s actually kind of funny, because my notes literally say: “But Yoona’s death made everything all the more interesting. And the fact that her letter followed the shot, it must mean that she’s dead. And I’m actually happy that she’s dead because otherwise I find it cliché that they all make it out alive – correction: Donghae came back and saved her . Typical. I’m disappointed.”

It got to the point that I was craving a plot twist so badly that I actually hoped that Heechul would die when he sacrificed himself so that Jessica and Kibum could get away. I mean, that would definitely prove to be an interesting change to what had been going on previously, right? I was really disappointed when Taeyeon reappeared but even that didn’t provide the sensation of pure shock that I had been looking for once more when you reached your closing.

Other than the aforementioned issues, the only other ones I found with your plot were a couple of plot holes or other issues with your plot that interfere with its believability.

•  If Tiffany is the one who brought the fairy tales to Der Mӓrchenclub, then why is it called Der Mӓrchenclub? It’s something kind of random, but it bothered me nonetheless.
• Is it also going to be mentioned the failure of the hit and run incident that had been intended to kill her? The Kim family attempts it, but it’s never brought up again.
• It bothers me a bit that Kangin wakes up from his coma only to immediately die the next week. I feel like he discovered Taeyeon much too soon to the point that it was just pure luck.
• What I like about the ending is that you don’t know what Taeyeon’s planning, because hey, she’s kind of a rogue character. However, I figured that she’d have killed herself since she didn’t have a purpose anymore. When she denied joining Kyuhyun in Neverland, I thought it was because she still had her ties to Leeteuk. But after both of them died, I’m left genuinely confused? At the same time, I guess she’s bored, so she came to finish the job? I’m honestly not too sure.

But overall, your plot is one that many people on this site probably couldn’t achieve. There were parts of your story in which I had to force myself to stop reading because it was getting too late. Some of the arcs were truly addicting and the suspense you included was written very well. In fact, I consider suspense one of the hardest genres to write, so you really should congratulate yourself on a job well done.

Characterization: 16/20
I’ve been struggling to write this section for the longest time – even longer than the plot section, in all honesty. Characters really make up an important essence of a story, and I feel that your characters are definitely worth talking about. However, if characters don’t have intriguing interactions within a story, then it doesn’t matter how interesting the assigned persona is: the story loses its touch.

Because your story is a very grand one, I feel the need to touch upon not only the characters themselves, but also their relationship with other characters. Therefore, this portion of the review will be split into two parts in order to achieve a more organized fashion. Along with the two sections (characters and relationships), each will be split further due to the fact that you have gifted us with such a large cast.

I: Characters

a: General

There was something in particular that bothered me when I was reading through your story. Even though the story takes place in Korea, everyone so willingly calls Jessica by her English name rather than her Korean one: even Donghae and Yoona. I would think that she wasn’t born and her parents decided to gift her with both her standard Korean name as well as an English name. I’m pretty sure that that’s not how it works. It makes sense if she prefers being called Jessica and tells people to call her Jessica. But when she first arrives at Der Mӓrchenclub, it’s odd that people there already know her as Jessica instead of Sooyeon. Leeteuk, the manager of the club, also calls her by her English name. But wouldn’t it make sense if, because he’s an official (so this goes for Sungmin’s case as well), he called Jessica by her proper name until told to do otherwise?

I feel like you could have done some foreshadowing with the past relationship between Jessica, Donghae, and Yoona if you had also allowed them to call Jessica by her true name during certain points in the story.

I noticed that you did the same thing with Tiffany (as in everyone calls her by her English name rather than her Korean one), but because she’s known by a number of the members of the club already, it didn’t strike me as much as Jessica’s case. However, I still believe that the officials involved throughout the story should be calling her Miyoung.

What really bothered me is that that Sunny, who deserves her position in Der Mӓrchenclub much more than Tiffany does, has to correct someone who tries to call her Sunkyu instead of her nickname. That just doesn’t make logical sense, right? If anything, there should be a set consistency of sorts throughout your story.

However, I do have to commend you for your overall characterization in this fic. You have an incredible amount of characters in this story, and I’m happy to see that a majority of them got an ample amount of development. Being able to juggle so many different personas while achieving a balance takes a hell of a lot of planning, so I really have to applaud you for all of this.

In chapter twenty-two, when there is that whole conflict between parents and children over whether or not the game should be continued, you end the argument with the simple line: “Irrationality won.”

While it’s nothing extravagant, it summed up the characters’ successful descent into madness. As they’ve been inching towards this point, they’ve all slowly become consumed with what this game means for them. But the transition is so subtle, that it didn’t really hit me full force until I read that one line. That’s awesome.

b: Jessica

It’s only right for me to start off by talking about the beloved main heroine of your adventure. You did a marvelous job with her characterization, and there was never a moment in which I doubted the reality of her character. She was incredibly four-dimensional and easy to relate to. I read in one of your notes that you had chosen her as the starring role for the fact that you knew she would be able to question everything around her, because after all, “a fairy tale is never this absurd.”

Though at first glance she has all the stereotypical traits that are given to her via the “Ice Princess” persona, I’m glad that you had some purpose behind it. She’s not standoffish just because she doesn’t like people, and she’s not spoiled to the point where you can’t stand her. She’s a , but she admits it. She’s stubborn and stands up for what she believes in, while retaining her credibility and knowing when to stand down. What I truly love about this is that you give her a psychological reason to be so icy towards people: the traumatic accident with her parents.

At times, it felt like you were pushing the matter a bit too far, but honestly, I wouldn’t change that at all.

Even though she acts tough most of the time, she still gets scared. And I think that that only adds to the believability of her character. Reading about her fear and apprehension, I almost felt like I was standing beside her, witnessing it all happen. And even though practically everything that happens to Jessica is horrible, I think that I would stick by her side for the sole reason that even though she seems like a at first, she’s a truly likable and relatable individual.

As the story continued, I was rooting for her to find that happy ending just as much as Heechul was.

When she didn’t achieve that in the end, I felt like I was just as devastated as she was.

“Her hope was forever crushed. She knew that the fact Der Mӓrchenclub’s absurdity had ended did not turn everything into a sweet happily ever after. But most of the time, she just did not understand. She knew that this was the plausible, biting reality that she had to face. She knew it. She just did not want to understand it.” [chapter fifty-five]

This paragraph hurt me so much, in all honesty. Which is actually perfect. If she had achieved a happy ending, then I think it would have ruptured the mood that you had set for your story. In all honesty, it’s a good thing that she didn’t get that happy ending, as I said in the plot portion of this review. The fact that you have me subjectively wishing that she did means that you did a brilliant job with her character.

c. Heechul

It goes without saying that Heechul is probably one of my favorite characters throughout the duration of the story. The way that he grows, changes, and develops happens at such a believable pace that I didn’t even realize that his mindset was changing until it’s basically spelled out for me. And when it was spelled out for me, I found myself nodding and recalling all the little things throughout the storyline that had hinted to his eventual change.

When we first meet Heechul in the second chapter of the story, he’s a y crossdresser that Jessica absolutely can’t stand. And from that moment on, I knew that I was going to love him. (You don’t understand how hard I laughed at that scene, man. I was so sure that the girl that Jessica was arguing with was Yoona, but when it was revealed otherwise, I really couldn’t control myself.)

But as the story moves on, he becomes so much more than an arrogant man who seems to be in love with hearing himself talk. He becomes caring, selfless, with a sort of determination that you wouldn’t think possible from someone like him.

There are numerous times in which his change becomes painstakingly evident to the reader. However, the one that stands out to me the most is when he sacrifices himself in an attempt to save Jessica and Kibum during chapter forty-eight. Sure, everything that he does for the sake of Yoona or Jessica are also just as courageous. But what makes this case different is the fact that his intentions are purely altruistic.

“The trigger was pulled. He never closed his eyes.” [chapter forty-eight]

What makes me like Heechul more than Jessica revolves around how dynamic his character is. While Jessica’s character is equally as dynamic in her own right, it’s Heechul’s character at the end that really does it for me. Because in Jessica’s case, there’s almost no trace of the woman she used to be whatsoever. While she still nags at Heechul and argues with him just as they used to, she has a new air about her. For even though Heechul shared the same sort of rejection that she did, Jessica’s rejection truly broke her. On the other hand, Heechul was able to move on at what feels like a faster rate. While Jessica seems to have a wisdom about her that stems from the trauma she was forced to live through, Heechul’s wisdom seems to come from a greater understanding of everything around him. And compared to the oblivious man he seemed to be at the beginning of the story, that means a whole lot.

d. Donghae

Between Donghae and Heechul, I’m actually more biased towards the former. When the story first started out, I absolutely loved Donghae’s character. He seemed like such a genuine, protective man, and compared to the older male, it’s much more appealing. He seemed incredibly dimensional at first, but near the end of the story, it felt like he had fallen a little flat?

With the introduction of the fact that he suffers from MPD, I had figured that the story would get more interesting and that his character would only develop even more. And at first, that’s the way the story seemed to go. Reading about Jessica’s visits to him in the asylum gave me chills, especially when his other side came out and started blaming her for the disease.

However that brought me to the following question: how exactly did Donghae develop MPD in the first place? It’s hinted by the “other” Donghae that he develops the disease because of Jessica’s departure and somehow ties that to his eventual feelings for his sister. But that doesn’t make sense, and it actually makes me wonder how much research you put into this disease before choosing to include it within your story. (And unfortunately, I’ve just written my own story regarding the disease and put a considerable amount of time researching the subject, so this stuck out to me considerably.)

While researchers have not stated any definite causes for this disorder, there has been a great amount of speculation that it stems from childhood trauma/abuse or is a biological trait (meaning that if someone in your family has the disorder, then there’s also a chance that you may develop it yourself). It’s also discussed that perhaps the disorder can be induced by a therapist, but again, nothing has been proven. Those are the three most popular theories regarding the causes of MPD, and looking at them now, I can’t bring myself to understand which one could have caused Donghae’s.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but based on the details that you included in your story, I believe that you were going for childhood trauma in the form of Jessica’s departure from Seoul? But see, that wouldn’t make sense. Because I think that a majority of us have all experienced a dear friend moving away from us when we were younger, and it’s obvious that a majority of the world’s population doesn’t suffer from MPD. So would the traumatic event then be his falling in love with his own sister? While such a thing is considered disgusting by many, I doubt that it would have caused him any trauma. Forbidden thoughts, yes. But I genuinely don’t think that it would be enough for him to develop a psychological disorder.

But pushing that discussion aside, I think that it’s his “other side”’s obsession with Yoona that makes him feel so boring at the end of the story. It got to the point that I found him unlikable by the time I reached the closing words. He becomes too predictable because he’ll do anything if it means keeping Yoona safe. And that makes everything weighed down a bit by an intense amount of cliché that makes me want to wince.

e. Yoona

And here we have the master of cliché herself!

I know that you said in your ending author’s notes that Yoona is the character whose development you’re the most disappointed in, and I have to say that I agree. Especially since it felt like she had absolutely no development at all and was borderline – if not well within the ranks of – Mary Sue.

When the story first began, it seemed like she had some potential. Especially in chapter seven when it appears that she has a sort of tick about her through the usage of italics. And with the depression pills that Jessica later sees her taking? I had thought that we were in for something grand.

(On a side note, that doesn’t make sense either. Yoona and Jessica are adults in this story. I’m going to go ahead and assume that Jessica took the depression pills during her childhood or perhaps during her early adolescence. As I hope you know, children’s medication for depression and an adults’ medication for depression are two very different things. So why is Jessica able to recognize the bottle that Yoona’s holding so easily?)

However, I’m disappointed to see that the tick and the pills didn’t really get us anywhere? In fact, I have no idea what the tick has to do with anything. And while I can see the reason why Jessica had been taking the pills, I don’t understand why Yoona is. Fear of her stalker is not depression.

Her character traits are bland and typical: the pretty girl that everyone has an affinity for (her brother included!) who always gets herself into trouble and worries everyone (by running away from everyone she knows because she’s afraid of her stalker which doesn’t make much sense at all or getting kidnapped over and over again), but still tries to act like she’s tough (as seen during Tiffany’s party in the final arc).

I honestly don’t think there are proper words to describe how much her character annoyed me. It got to the point that literally every time Yoona came back into the story, I had to groan because I was so sick of her character. And though Siwon annoyed me a bit as well, no one could top Yoona since she was one of the main members of your cast.

f. Kibum

In all honesty, I think that Kibum’s a better individual to label as your fourth main character as opposed to Yoona. His character is snarky, yet lovable. And while all of the other characters around him react to things from their subjective standpoints, he remains the sole figure to look at everything objectively. Along with Heechul, he was definitely one of my favorites in your cast.

At first, I had questioned the extent of his hatred towards his family: why did he hate them so much again? It didn’t make any sense. But when you revealed the side chapter showcasing his past with Bao, Henry, and Zhoumi. . . Wow, that really got me. I could relate to him so much, and once I finished reading said chapter, I continued reading the story with a greater appreciation for Kibum than I previously possessed. In all honesty, I remember it as the only part of the story that truly made me tear up.

(On a side note, even though Henry and Zhoumi only appear as characters in that one chapter, I genuinely loved them as well. They were very relatable, and I loved them to the point that a part of me wish they made a reappearance. Of course, if that had occurred it would be a bit ridiculous, so it’s good that you refrained from that. I was really glad when Kibum goes searching for them at the end of the story.)

I was a bit curious as to his reaction to Ryeowook’s death solely because it wasn’t purely explored. He seemed quite close to the former and Heechul, so I would’ve liked to see if his quest to destroy his family was prioritized above his love for those he seemed to care about.

As compared to the other characters, I can’t say that Kibum really changed all that much. But I think that that’s because his character refuses to let others know what he’s thinking before he makes his move. For all I know, he could have experienced the greatest change among them all. However, I loved his character and how you portrayed him, so I’m comfortable with not understanding all of his thoughts.

(I also like how a possible BumSica relationship is hinted before the five-year time skip, but is never confirmed or denied.)

g. Assassin Trio (Sungmin, Leeteuk, Taeyeon)

God, I can’t even begin to discuss my love for these guys. Sungmin definitely makes it high on my list in this story for the wonderful plot twist he found himself a part of, while I found Taeyeon’s character to be a perfect addition to a horror story like yours. I absolutely adored the way that Leeteuk handled his role as Storyteller.

“But he was the Storyteller, and the story could not end until it reached its final chapter.” [chapter twelve]

While it’s clear that he’s very dedicated to the role that he must play, I’m glad that he knows his limits – the fact that you gifted him with that quality is what makes him different from his brother, Sungmin. And as everyone in your story knows (in all honesty, I think that it was one of the biggest plot twists you pulled throughout the entire duration of your story), Sungmin is unable to prioritize his love for Sunny above his job.

I’m honestly still not over the fact that Sungmin was the killer. I’m not kidding when I say that I almost screamed during Sunny’s death scene in which he reveals himself. However, as with Leeteuk, all of his mannerisms were incredibly relatable, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading about their personas.

I also didn’t realize that Leeteuk had known about Sungmin’s relationship with Sunny because he’s Sungmin’s brother. I should’ve been able to figure that out, but Leeteuk just had a certain sort of aura about him that made me think that he was just wise enough to see it.

“I pity you because you know you will never be able to protect the first girl you actually fall in love with.” [chapter twenty-seven]

Taeyeon fits the role of crazed, psychotic girl perfectly. I like that Sungmin even laments that without Leeteuk, there was “no way for the Nightingale to be tamed.” While I question Taeyeon’s feelings towards the oldest of the trio, the fact that there were only two people that she truly owed her allegiance to makes her incredibly dynamic. However, I do want to mention that we never find out what she was doing there in the psychiatric ward in which she met Kyuhyun. While it’s clear that she has some severe mental health issues, it’s strange that she ended up in such a place when the other orphan children are able to steer clear of it. Besides, if Leeteuk is looking out for her so carefully, then why would he allow her to stay in such an institution? Of course, that was just one of my minor thoughts throughout your story. It didn’t really bother me all too much.

(The singing nursery rhymes was also a wonderfully creepy addition that I thoroughly enjoyed.)

I actually felt a bit stupid for not connecting the dots between the three of them sooner since they all shared the similarity in the fact that they’re all orphans. The detail seemed so miniscule that when it was revealed to me, I couldn’t believed that I had overlooked it without much thought.

h. Other Characters (Tiffany, Siwon, Ryeowook, Sooyoung, etc.)

Though it would make sense for Tiffany and Siwon to have their own separate subsection since they were the true masterminds behind the whole Der Mӓrchenclub disaster, I honestly find that I don’t have all that much to say about their characters. And as for their relationship, I’ll discuss that later on in the review.

I found Tiffany’s character to be beautifully broken, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading about her. She had a purpose to do what she did, and what I like about her persona is that what happened to her in the past severely clouds her judgment. In some cases, characters who seek revenge are able to retain a somewhat normal personality while they go after their target. However, Tiffany seems to be psychologically damaged due to the events that she witnessed during her childhood, which could be reason as to why she acts so childish while manages to be so deadly. I’m thinking that perhaps witnessing her father’s death would be enough, but I think that her immediately following only adds to the damage and makes her whole story seem all the more believable. Another thing that I particularly enjoyed about her character is the fact that after that traumatic night, she “dies.” The piece of her that is still innocent and pure, Miyoung, dies. The way you included that line really hit me hard. I loved her character to the very end, and I actually wanted her to succeed in killing off the rest of the main characters. Now that would have been a nice twist.

In comparison, Siwon is unbelievably flat. I don’t think that it would’ve been that noticeable (since he honestly doesn’t do that much), but because almost all of his words and actions occur when he’s with Tiffany – an incredibly dynamic character – his dullness is made more evident. The chapter that you included which discussed his background made things make a little more sense, but I still found him to be boring.

Though I’m aware that you called Yuri’s character a cliché in an author’s note somewhere, her characterization really didn’t bother me at all. I think that since everyone else seems so innocent or has such proper motives, it’s actually kind of refreshing to see someone who’s just… bad. She’s so messed up, I love it.

“I’ve always hated you, you know? You pretend to be the innocent girl all the time, yet you still Eunhyuk Oppa from me. Then you dump him. You’re also too annoying. And you’re always so clingy. You can’t do anything for yourself. You’re driving me mad all these years, you know?” [chapter twenty-eight]

It hit me like a bullet, so I can only imagine how hard it hit poor Sunny. And speaking of the young girl, I really enjoyed her character as well. Out of the entire cast, I feel like it was her who truly showcased the descent into madness that makes your story all the more surreal.

While Ryeowook’s character annoyed me sometimes with his whining, that was what he was supposed to do, so I didn’t mind all that much. And though I didn’t realize it, I ended up growing pretty attached to him. I felt absolutely horrible when he died. Especially since he did so without ever receiving any sort of assurance that he wasn’t worthless and that Heechul genuinely cared about him. His death scene in chapter thirty-seven was written beautifully.

I feel like there was a hinted relationship between his character and Sooyoung’s that was never fully explored. And that’s perfectly fine with me. I feel like theirs was one that didn’t need to be described because the depth of their bond was still showcased perfectly. Especially when Sooyoung eventually agrees to help Heechul in chapter forty-five saying, “I don’t want Ryewook to be disappointed in me…”

Though it’s a bit random for me to bring up Jessica’s grandmother, Jung Hyori, I feel like I need to do so anyway. When the head of the Choi family (whoops, forgot his name) refuses to allow her to join in the meeting between the other parents (in which they discuss their next course of action and whether or not the deaths of their children are truly their fault), I had thought that she would do a little snooping around of her own. It’s clear that they’re trying to hide something, so why does she just sit back and let the younger generation do all the work? She’s highly capable, and from what her personality offers us, it bothered me that she didn’t do much.

II: Relationships

It would make sense for me to discuss the relationships between the four main characters (Jessica, Heechul, Donghae, and Yoona) first, but that portion of this subsection is planned to be the longest. So I figure that it would just be easiest for me to get a few of the smaller ones out of the way. I’m going in no particular order, so please forgive me if this comes off as tad bit unorganized.

a: kyuyeon vs taeteuk

Interestingly enough, I enjoyed reading about the relationship between Kyuhyun and Taeyeon more than Taeyeon and Leeteuk’s. Since Taeyeon was in a mental institution, I can assume that Leeteuk’s actions exist only to protect her since she’s a bit naïve. But what I loved about kyuyeon was that it was so innocent. The idea that Kyuhyun was Peter while Taeyeon was Tinkerbell and that they would fly away to Neverland together seemed so childish that witnessing the scene of Kyuhyun’s suicide really hit me. When she promises to go meet up with him later because she still has some things that she needs to take care of, it’s clear that she’s referring to her mission with Leeteuk and Sungmin.

Though you probably mean to leave Taeyeon’s romantic feelings ambiguous, I feel like she genuinely did have a connection towards Kyuhyun (again, because of their continuous whispers and promises to one another regarding Neverland). On the other hand, I feel like Leeteuk’s feelings towards her were not reciprocated. It’s obvious that no one would know but you, as the author, but it’s just a guess. In chapter twenty-three, she seems genuinely shocked when Leeteuk tells her that he has an idea for her future that’s better than Neverland. Either way, when Leeteuk threw himself at Kangin when he threatened to kill his love even when Taeyeon insisted that he shouldn’t forsake the mission really tugged at my heart strings. As did the final line of his death: “He would have no further promises to break.”

b: eunsun vs. sunsun

God, my poor sunsun. Even though they’re not high on my otp list, it still stung when you recounted to us their tragic end. I found this kind of odd since another one of the couples that I enjoy reading about, haesica, didn’t bother me at all that much when they ended up not getting together. In fact, due to the circumstances within this story, I didn’t want them to get together. But we’ll get to that eventually.

I think that what hurts so much about sunsun is that they seem to be the most genuine couple throughout the entire duration of your story – even if Sungmin is the one that ends up killing her in the end. Despite the way that he escorts her to her doom, they’re the only ones who fully reciprocated one another’s feelings. The line that he says to her right before she dies is absolutely beautiful: “You’re the closest thing to light that I’ll ever have.”

Out of all the twists that you pulled in the story, I really do think that the way that Sunny died was the one that hit me the hardest. When she was kidnapped, I was wondering where Sungmin was and why he hadn’t been able to protect her properly (I had figured that it went back to Leeteuk’s line about never being able to protect her properly), so when it was revealed that he was the one about to kill her… Wow. It really went home.

While I felt bad for Eunhyuk since his feelings towards Sunny were never really returned, I’m glad that you had the two of them confront one another about their true emotions before she dies. I had expected him to ask her who it was that she loved instead – just because it seems like a typical question to ask when you’re in a situation such as his – but I suppose that it would’ve only expanded the sub-plot that you were trying to bring to an end. However, I wish that his response towards her death was pronounced better. It’s mentioned in passing that he’s harshly affected by it, but I would’ve preferred it if you showed that to me rather than just telling it to me.

c. [Basically all of the relationships that have to do with Siwon or Tifany]

I have to apologize for the awkward title of this mini-section. I’m kind of just dumping  everything into one section so that I don’t have to create numerous smaller ones later on.

I’ll start talking about the creepiness of the sifany relationship. However, I do have to admit that their relationship didn’t bother me as much as the yoonhae one did since it wasn’t focused on as much. But we’ll get to that later.

Even though you provided a background chapter to explain Siwon and Tiffany’s meeting, it didn’t serve as enough of an explanation for me as to why the former was so loyal to the latter. The amount of possessiveness that he has towards Tiffany is about equivalent to the amount of possessiveness that the “other” Donghae has towards Yoona. Which is kind of ridiculous when you think about it, since Donghae at least has a psychological disorder to explain his obsession while Siwon does not. It just strikes me as odd since Siwon literally does whatever Tiffany tells him to do without a second thought. That’s loyalty at its finest. But where did the loyalty even come from?

I had actually thought that Siwon was the wolf. When it was revealed that he was actually the tin soldier, I found that the latter fit much better, given his relationship with Tiffany.

(I still don’t understand why Heechul and Siwon hate each other so much though.)

I found the relationship between Jessica and Tiffany to be a very realistic one, and I enjoyed watching it progress as the story continued. As Jessica later realizes, the two of them are a lot more similar than they had originally thought. And I think that it’s that idea that makes Jessica believe that she can talk some sense into the other woman.

When they’re first introduced to one another, Jessica’s annoyed with Tiffany’s mannerisms. But later on in the story, right before she “dies,” Jessica realizes that there’s no reason to boast any ill will towards her. She’s just incredibly misunderstood. And even later on when it’s revealed that she’s the mastermind behind Der Mӓrchenclub, I think that Jessica believed that it was because Tiffany was so misunderstood that she was acting out so violently. Though it seemed a bit tacky for her to walk towards the armed woman while trying to coax her into stopping the game, I actually like that you included it. Even though Tiffany was ultimately the bad guy, Jessica still saw the good in her: perhaps because she saw herself within the former.

d. heehae friendship vs. yoonsica friendship

This is where everything gets messy, because the intertwining relationships between these four individuals is so intense that it’s almost ridiculous. I’m actually going to end up talking about every possible combination between the four, just because there’s so much to say. So please steel yourself.

When the story first opened up, I found the friendship between Heechul and Donghae to be very genuine and sincere: they view each other as brothers and are so close that Donghae doesn’t even mind when Heechul pretends to make the move on him. But as the story progresses and the two become clouded over their desperation to find Yoona (typical), I think that a part of their bond is forsaken. At first, it seems like they’re united in the hunt to look for their missing love interest, but as time wears on, it almost feels like the two have found themselves in a competition between one another to see who can save her first.

Which really , because the two of them seemed like such an epic duo. It pains me to see something as precious as the friendship that the two of them shared come to an end because of a girl.

And unfortunately, Jessica has unwillingly found herself caught up in the race to protect Yoona as well after spending so much time between her two main love interests (I’d be a bit bummed out if I were in her position, because the two people that she’s most likely to get into a relationship with are so hellbent on saving another chick). Though both Yoona and Jessica are quite civil to one another, I’m sure that they were both harboring some bitter feelings throughout the course of the story. When Yoona told her that she would be alright if she got into a relationship with Donghae, I wanted to call absolute bull. Though it seems like Yoona isn’t as possessive over her brother as he is to her, we can’t forget the scene that occurred after Heechul planted a kiss on her: she practically went insane trying to wash her lips off of the other man. And I can only feel that that’s because she was “saving herself” for her dear brother.

So in chapter fifty-two when Tiffany tells Jessica to guess Yoona’s role, I wanted to scream “You go, girl!” at Jessica for finally admitting out loud that she hates Yoona. Because I hate Yoona. And my name is Jessica. And in that moment, I just felt so justified that it was ridiculous.

(Kidding.)

All jokes aside, I really was happy that someone finally said it.

But what annoyed me was the fact that after that conversation, the two literally never spoke again. I would have expected a closure scene of sorts between the two? But it seems like they really just didn’t want to have anything to do with one another. As in, Jessica doesn’t even know what happens to Yoona at the end of the story. Almost like she doesn’t even care.

For all we know, Yoona’s gotten herself kidnapped again.

e. yoonhae

Out of all the relationships in this story, this was the one relationship that I couldn’t stand. In my opinion, the yoonhae relationship was beyond creepy and unrealistic.

When I started reading the story, I didn’t mind them at all. When Donghae kept saying that Yoona had “crossed the line,” I had figured that he had simply friendzoned her and she had a one-sided crush on him. It’s kind of standard, but there’s nothing necessarily wrong with standard. But because there was nothing all too special about their relationship (as compared to Donghae’s relationship with Jessica), I didn’t really think too much of them as a couple. I didn’t hate them, but I didn’t see no reason to root for them either.

So when it’s revealed that they’re actually siblings, my interest was definitely piqued. Though many people consider to be creepy, I took it in stride and found myself hoping for some drama to happen revolving the pair. It actually got my hopes up.

But then they came tumbling down.

Heechul’s analogy that compares the two to a story box is incredibly accurate.

It’s horrible that Yoona got . But as I believe I mentioned earlier, the fact that there wasn’t an intense enough emotional response from her that lasted throughout the remainder of the story makes it seem almost insignificant to the plot as a whole. It does little to the development of the yoonhae relationship as well.

In all actuality, it feels like the yoonhae relationship didn’t develop at all. One moment Donghae is rejecting his sister, the next he’s going crazy because he can’t find her. Then he tells her he doesn’t love her again, and all of a sudden he’s willing to do whatever it takes (even killing off Jessica, who he insists that he loves) if it means protecting her.

Out of all the relationship combinations between the four main characters, this one was the most seriously underdeveloped. Actually, it’s one of the most underdeveloped relationships in the entire story, right next to sifany. But as I said before, the yoonhae relationship sticks out more because they’re one of the main pairings.

I feel like I could rant about these two for a while, but I think that if I do so, I’d just end up being more redundant than I already am.

f. yoonhee

While I found Donghae’s obsession with finding Yoona to be incredibly random and sudden, I found that Heechul’s race to find her to be none of that at all. In Heechul’s case, it feels like doing everything he can to find her is to be expected of his character. (This may be due to the fact that Heechul’s feelings towards Yoona have never changed throughout the duration of the story, while Donghae’s darts back and forth.) I was actually rooting for Yoona to stop being so ignorant to how much he cares for her.

It’s clear from the very beginning that Heechul has a soft spot for the younger woman and that he cares for her a lot. So it must really sting him to watch her blatantly ignore all of his advances because she’s in love with her brother. The poor guy.

The line, “Just let me borrow your shoulder for a while…” seems to really sum up their relationship for me. I think that if Heechul had the assurance that Yoona returned his feelings, then he wouldn’t be so afraid to face the horrors of Der Mӓrchenclub. I think that in a way, her love is all he felt he really needed. So when he’s sad and doesn’t know what to do, he speaks that line and just gets very quiet. It’s almost like he understands that she’ll never love him back, but doesn’t mind deluding himself for a bit so that he can keep smiling and not worrying her.

When she tells him, “We don’t need you to understand us, oppa” in chapter thirty-five, I can only imagine the pain that Heechul feels at those words. Because it’s another reminder that she’ll never even give him a chance, and oh, God, I just felt so much pity for his character, man.

g. haesica

It’s kind of funny because haesica is actually one of my otps, but I found myself wanting them to not get together in this story. LOL. I’m proud to say that I’ve never been one to allow my personal preferences to cloud my judgment, and as I read through your story, I was able to form a separate opinion from my original one.

While the relationship between the two seems almost ideal for romance, a part of me feels like Donghae was just stringing Jessica along the entire time. I know that you said in one of your author’s notes that you believe that Donghae is the sort of person who can love two people at once, but I honestly have my doubts. At the end of the story when he basically affirms the fact that he loves Yoona more than Jessica, I could only imagine how brokenhearted she felt.

Heechul’s words in chapter forty-four “Are you in love with him, or the person you think he is?” summarizes Jessica’s feelings to Donghae in a way.

In the first half of the story, there are numerous moments between the two that had me quietly rooting for their relationship. For a while, at least. It seems that they have this true understanding for one another (chapter twenty: “Words were unnecessary”), which makes them slightly different from the yoonhee couple. But just like in their case, I feel like Jessica needs Donghae more than he needs her (because again, it’s like it’s only him and Yoona in their little story box).

“It was only in that moment, after everything had ended, in front of Donghae, only in front of him, that she broke.”

…

“’Lie to me,’ she murmured between her sobs, ‘Tell me it’s going to be alright.’” [chapter thirty-five]

It has to be Donghae that calms her down, just like it has to be Yoona that calms down Heechul. But no matter how hard Heechul or Jessica tries, they can’t down the barrier of the world that Donghae and Yoona are dancing together in.

While the haesica relationship started out beautiful, it plummeted when the random introduction of “other” Donghae’s Yoona obsession came in (sometime when Tiffany took him under his wing). And after that, I was just sorely disappointed with how his character just kind of left her behind. That action alone was enough proof to make me feel that whatever they had with one another wasn’t solid at all.

h. heesica

Out of all the pairings in this story, this was the one couple that I really wanted to get together (well, besides sunsun who were technically together). Though they absolutely hated one another at the beginning of the story, their relationship with one another developed just as much – if not more – than they did individually. Despite their constant bickering, the way that their personalities mesh is something that I gladly enjoyed reading about. In chapter forty-four, when the two are trying to get permission to check Donghae’s cell in the asylum, the way that they use their arrogance in order to get what they want really did make me laugh.

When the story first started out, it legitimately seemed like the two would allow the other to die without a moment’s hesitation. The fact that – by the time we started to reach the end of the story – Heechul risks his life to save Jessica’s on several different occasions says a lot about just how far they’ve come for one another.

Throughout the story, you have Heechul silently – or sometimes verbally – say that he believes that out of all the characters, it is Jessica who deserves happiness the most. I feel like that says so much about how much he begins to care for the younger girl. “Because he started to think that no one deserved it more than she did.” Man, the gradual progression of their relationship is nothing short of flawless, and it’s so believable that it truly astounds me. The only thing that’s a bit disappointing is the fact that Jessica never really gets that happy ending that Heechul really wants her to have.

In all honesty, when I got to chapter forty- six and Jessica told Heechul “Just let me borrow your shoulder for a while,” I thought that the two of them were definitely going to end up together. As I mentioned earlier, Heechul said these exact words to Yoona when she was offering him comfort. The resurgence of the line made me believe that you were hinting that there were some romantic feelings between Jessica and Heechul, but I was wrong. Perhaps you meant to show that Jessica’s grown to trust Heechul just as he had trusted Yoona? Either way, I feel like you should have had Heechul react stronger to this line. Perhaps include a line in which he says that it had reminded him of something that had once occurred, but something that he didn’t want to think about? It’s just a suggestion, but I think that you could’ve used the opportunity to your advantage.

What I think kept the two from ever developing romantic feelings for one another was the fact that they were both wrapped up in the web of the yoonhae relationship. I feel like if they hadn’t had feelings towards Donghae or Yoona, then it would’ve been more likely for them to begin to love each other in the romantic-sense. But because they were both there for each other when they each got rejected, I feel like their getting together just wouldn’t make any sense. So while I’m glad that you decided to keep their relationship as a strong, platonic love, I also wish that it could have grown into something more.

Either way, my heartstrings were definitely tugged when Heechul decided to leave for America.

“But he knew. She knew too. The two of them might have been two proud people – and neither was willing to show their weakness to the other. They both knew how, over the relatively short period of knowing each other, they were going to be someone irreplaceable to the other. It was not in a romantic notion, obviously. But neither could deny it further. Heechul cared for Jessica just as much as Jessica cared for Heechul. And that was a lot.” [chapter fifty-five]

I can honestly say that the relationship that they shared was my favorite one of them all.

Grammar: 13/25
In all honesty, the grammar of your story is what killed it for me. I understand that English is not your first language, but unfortunately, I strive to make my reviews as objective as possible. This means that I can’t take such a matter into account. I want to judge your story for your story, rather than judging a story based on its writer.

So forgive me if I sound a bit harsh here, okay?

To put it frankly, some of the grammar issues in your story were so painstakingly obvious that I found myself skimming over certain sections of the text in order to continue reading onwards. It’s nothing personal, of course. But I’ve always been incredibly picky with the grammar of a story, and if I feel that a fic’s grammar is something difficult for me to tolerate, I won’t hesitate to depart from the page. Sometimes I’ll force myself to keep on reading if I find the story’s plot to be an engaging one, but for me to do so is rare. However, as I mentioned beforehand, your story was an incredibly interesting one. But although the plot picked up early on in the story, there’s a large chance that if I hadn’t been requested to review this fic, I would’ve left it behind after reading the first few paragraphs of the first chapter.

Therefore, I’m actually very thankful that you asked this of me, or I would’ve missed out on a wonderful story.

Because pointing out every single grammatical error within a fic is not the job of a reviewer, but rather the job of a beta reader, I’m only going to point out a couple of the recurring mistakes I found littered throughout your story while citing a few examples to further illustrate both my statements.

(I do want to point out that your grammar improved considerably as we reached the end of your story, and that made me quite happy.)

I feel like one of your biggest flaws is your word choice. The words that you choose sometimes don’t fit what you’re trying to convey. For example:

“’Very well. Just promise me you will not disgrace the Jung family.’

Jessica could not promise that, but for the sake of her bank account, she responded, ‘I will try to.’”

[chapter two]

While I can understand what you’re trying to say, your word usage doesn’t cut it. In this example, we also see another similar problem that you have that we’ll talk about later: the wording of your sentences as a whole. But let’s move one step at a time.

In this excerpt, you’re telling the readers that Jessica is halfheartedly agreeing to do her best in order to not embarrass her family name. However, with the words that you’ve chosen, you make it seem as though disgracing her family is her goal. If we look at the dialogue alone, we see one individual imploring another to not bring shame onto their family while the latter responds by saying, “I will try to.”

You’re basically saying that Jessica is telling her grandmother that her intent is to disgrace her family.

The proper wording should go something like this:

“Very well. Just promise me that you will not disgrace the Jung family.’

Jessica could not promise that, but for the sake of her bank account, she responded, ‘I’ll try my best.’”

I think that you were going for an effect similar to that. While it would make the most sense for her to say something like “I’ll try not to,” this works as well. I know that it looks very similar to what you had before, but please believe me when I say that there is a clear difference. English is weird.

As aforementioned, another one of your flaws stems from the wording of your sentences. Let’s look at this example:

“Then why all so sudden, three days ago, her grandmother demanded her back to Korea?” [chapter one]

Okay, no. The entire structure of this sentence is off. I can understand where you’re trying to go with the sentence, but the way that you’re going about it definitely doesn’t cut it. This sentence is choppy and just no. Instead, you could do something similar to any of this:

“So why did her grandmother suddenly demand her return to Korea three days ago?”

“So why was she subject to her grandmother’s demands for her to return to Korea three days ago?”

“So why was she forced to tolerate the demands she received from her grandmother three days ago?”

I could probably go on for a while, but I think that you get my point.

It seems that you also have a habit of mixing up the singular version of words and the plural versions. Let’s look at this sentence:

“’Trust me, Jessica-sshi. All of us here are nothing more than experimental mouse. This club holds more authority than you could possibly imagine.’” [chapter five]

Because you are referring to more than one person, the plural “mice” should be used rather than the singular “mouse.”

Tense issues are also a recurring mistaking throughout the piece, though I can’t say that they’re as frequent as what I have mentioned beforehand. And looking through my notes, I’m actually disappointed to say that I didn’t bother to write down any specific examples. I really have to apologize for that.

Your other mistakes have to do with mostly punctuation: which mark to use at what time, using too many commas in one sentence but not enough in the other, using punctuation incorrectly, etc. Examples of this are scattered consistently throughout the fic, and because I feel like if I explain it myself, I’ll only succeed in confusing the two of us (and anyone else who decides to read this review, for that matter), I’d like to direct you to a separate guide on the internet instead.

(But because that website is boring and uncomfortable, I’d also like to link you to this one. While it doesn’t have as much information on it, what it does have is taught through colorful and cute comics.)

I also want to suggest for you to work on the diction that each of your characters has. While some of the things that they say make perfect sense, they say it using words that don’t fit their character. They sometimes speak with words that don’t fit their persona. Say the line out loud, and if it sounds like something someone would actually say in real life, then I guess you can stick with it. But if you can’t name anyone you know who would word a sentence in such a way, I think that it’s best for you to change it.

Writing Style: 4/5
Your grammar aside, I genuinely enjoyed the stylistics of your writing. Though I found your syntax to be a bit bland during the beginning of the story, I’m happy to say that I noticed an obvious development and improvement on your part as I continued reading. It really helped to add to the overall suspense that made your story all the more unique.

Speaking of the suspense, I really have to congratulate you on how well you ended up writing it out. In my opinion, suspense is one of the tougher genres to properly write out. There definitely has to be a lot of planning that goes into it, and I really have to commend you for all the work that I can only imagine you put into this story. I genuinely believe that all the effort you put into this paid off.

As aforementioned, you really did improve your overall style of writing as the story continued. I remember that there was this one point at the beginning of the story where it seemed like you were too scared to write out the word “hell,” and had settled for one of the characters to use the word” heck” while screaming in anger. I found myself chuckling a bit at that since your story is a horrific, dark one, but you still went for the more childish alternative as compared to the more mature one. It made me have a few doubts (I was actually scared that your writing style might be a bit immature for the intense story that I was sure you were trying to tell), but as the story continued on, you eased almost every single one of my previous suspicions.

I also have to commend you for one of the moves that you decided to make as an author that occurred in chapter nine. When you clarified the fact that Heechul wasn’t Pinocchio despite your previous decision to neither affirm nor deny any assumptions made by your readers until the proper moment occurred in your story, I felt like I really had to applaud you. The chapter title, along with what had occurred in said chapter had me assuming that you were trying to nudge us towards the idea that Heechul was secretly Pinocchio. When you decided to clarify yourself at the beginning of the next chapter, I thought that it was a very intelligent decision on your part. Good job!

In all honesty, there were only a few things that I think you can improve on in the stylistics portion of your piece. A number of things that I’m going to say are a matter of opinion, but I believe that they’re all based off of an informed opinion, which is why I decided to dock off a point from your score in this section of the review.

In the first paragraph of chapter one is the following sentence:

“Instead she would prefer to sleep in her penthouse or to have a solo shopping spree – spending her fortune on $800 worth of branded scarves and other accessories (if the popular magazine dubbed her as an “impulsive shopper” she would not complain.” [chapter one]

Since you’re writing out a formal piece of writing, I see your usage of “$800” as a shortcut way out. It’s best to use the written words rather than the Arabic numerals and symbol. Basically, you should be typing “eight-hundred dollars” instead. It makes the piece seem much more mature.

There are also a few instances in which I feel like the usage of italicization would make a few of your sentences flow smoother. Italics exist to add emphasis to a certain word, which will change the tone with which the reader reads your words. For example:

“The man was quiet (partially, perhaps because his Alzheimer was getting worse) and he was (at least, prior to his disease, had been) a good listener.” [chapter two]

While there’s nothing wrong with including run-on sentences here and there throughout your writing (well, there probably is, but hey: it definitely works out for you and your stylistics), the sentence feels incredibly flat to me. With the additional parentheses that you added in order to sort of fragment the sentence, it makes this piece of text feel sort of choppy, and when I read it to myself, it felt undeniably flat. If you were to proper utilize the text feature of italics, you can add a certain tone to the words, making them more interesting.

“The man was quiet (perhaps because his Alzheimer was getting worse) and he was (or at least, prior to his disease, had been) a good listener.”

I feel like this sounds a bit better and could emphasize your personal voice as an author a bit more.

And though I said earlier that empty space sometimes bothers me when I’m reading, I’m happy to say that your usage of it towards the end of the story didn’t bother me at all. In fact, I think that it only helped to increase the suspense and tension within your storyline. One of the most memorable moments of your fic for me would have to be this one:

“Can we just end the fairy tale here? …. The Witch opened her eyes again. …. (Of course not, silly. Lovers still had to pay.)” [chapter fifty-four]

When you had used the multiple spaces other times during the story, I was left questioning your motive. But when I got to this section, I realized that the text wouldn’t be the same without it. When I was reading this section, I could literally imagine myself watching a movie and witnessing the scene that way. Not many authors can pull such a feat off, so I really have to applaud you on that.

The fairy tale vibe that you have laced throughout your story is another thing that I believe you deserve immense commendations for. One of the parts that I particularly enjoyed was in the last chapter when you directly mentioned each one of the characters in the “deadly trio” (Sungmin, Leeteuk, and Taeyeon) and how, despite the fact that they’re dead, a piece of them lives on in their memory and in the opera house itself.

You also had a number of beautiful lines that I found in your story (most of them near the end, of course). However, my absolute favorite would have to be the following:

“He didn’t cry for himself. He even didn’t cry for his only treasure in this world – his sister. No, he didn’t cry for her. He cried for a future that was lost, for a bond that was broken, for a boy whose eyes could no longer see anything but darkness. For a boy who would be poisoned by his own vile thoughts, for a boy who was defeated by the monster who should have not been born in the first place. For a boy who was once his best friend…” [chapter forty-one]

Reviewer’s Comments and Advice: Wow, this is by far the longest review I’ve ever written. LOL. However, I think that also has to be attributed to the length of your story: it truly gives me a lot to talk about. I mean, thirteen thousand words, yo. /shot. However, I hope that you find this review to be incredibly insightful and helpful when it comes to your journey as an author. And you definitely deserve such a review due to the kind patience that you’ve bestowed upon me.

In all honesty, there’s not much advice that I can offer you. While English isn’t your first language, you have a true knack for storytelling that many can only dream of possessing. It’s painstakingly obvious to me that you must have spent weeks – if not months – planning out this story. Every point of the plot is accomplished so meticulously and with such detail that it absolutely blows my mind. I think that you definitely deserve the assurance that all of your hard work truly paid off (congratulations on that feature, by the way!).

The only thing that you need to work on is your grammar and that’s one of the easiest things to fix. In that section of the review, I linked you to a couple of sites. Hopefully if you read through them once or twice, the nitpicky details of the English language will be easier for you to handle. And in the meantime, I’m sure that there a number of people out there willing to help you beta your work in order to ensure that you’re using the English language correctly. However, if you choose to go down that road, make sure that the individual you ask to beta your story is properly knowledgeable in the countless rules that this language boasts. Having a beta reader that doesn’t know what he/she is doing is almost as bad as not having one at all.

(I also have to apologize if certain segments of this review sound repetitive/choppy/redundant. As you can imagine, I didn’t even try to type this all up in one sitting. However, most of the time I was forced to work on this late at night. OTL. If you find any errors on my part, please feel free to point it out to me!)

Score Calculations: Title. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .+5
                                          Appearance. . . . . . . . . . . .+5
                                        Description/Foreword. . . . .+14
                                          Storyline. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .+22
                                          Characterization. . . . . . . . .+16
                                          Grammar. . . . . . . . . . . . . . +13
                                Writing Style. . . . . . . . . . . .+4

                                                                  Total Score= 79

Letter Grade: B: A wonderful story! Definitely read it if you have the time.