*chapter thirty six;

"I’m sorry,“ Luhan said, "I’m so sorry."

He was seated on the couch, Soah lying across it, resting her legs on his lap while he her thighs with his left hand. He made sure not to look her into eyes, keeping his gaze down. She could see from his side profile, the way his lips didn’t curl up to the slight smile he always had on his face, the way his lids were half closed in reservation – that he felt guilty. Soah took his hand and squeezed it tightly, rubbing her thumb softly on his skin. It was the first time he spoke since the kiss in front of her house a while ago. Since then, both of them had been doing nothing other than just sitting in her room, bathing in the late summer sun which shone through her window and just enjoying each other’s presence they hadn’t been able to experience for two weeks.

For the first time in weeks, Soah felt pure bliss, comfort and happiness – all at once. The feeling of emptiness, sadness and sorrow gave way to the feeling of gratitude. Gratitude, because, although everything was her fault- Luhan still came back to her. Although he didn't have to, he still decided that she was worth to fight for and above all – to apologize. And although she shouldn’t feel that way.. she still did, because he proved that he still cared about her and most importantly that he still loved her.

Soah shook her head. “You don’t need to apologize. It was not your fault.”

“It was,” Luhan protested, still fixating the ground, “I shouldn’t have left you. What kind of boyfriend am I to leave you in a situation like this?”

“So..” Her voice trembled and she pulled her hand back, suddenly feeling so scared. “You know that I left the school.” She should have known this. Being absent from school for two weeks wasn’t caused by a normal illness. Not under these circumstances. It had always been a question of time when Luhan was going to find about it.

“Inwardly, I’ve always known that you’d never sell your body for grades Soah. But I was blinded by the fact that it was our teacher,” he explained calmly, “Someone students look up to, someone who is supposed to be our idol. Someone I liked.”

Luhan paused and bit his bottom lip. Soah was aware that he used the term ‘liked’ instead of ‘like’.

“I’ve always known that you would never do something like this. I know you. That’s why I love you. That’s why I believe you. And I am so sorry for not reacting right away. For being so blinded, so stupid. I should’ve known better, but it was too much for me to take everything at once.” He paused. “I needed time. And god, I don’t know how much I would have wasted if it was not for your exam results that fell out of my bag.”

Luhan lifted his head, hesitated for a break of a second before he turned around to face her. His eyes reflected so much guilt and vulnerability that it made her heart tighten. Much more guilt than she ever expected from seeing him from the side, making him look so sad and weak. She had never seen him in a state like this and she wanted to hug him, to wrap her arms around his body and to hold him tightly, making him feel that there was nothing he had to be worried about.. that she was there for him and that she would accept all of his apologies. She wanted him to be happy.

But she couldn’t. Soah looked away, clenching her eyes as if she could shut everything out by doing so. Suddenly, it was her who felt guilty. At least that was what she was thinking – Luhan shouldn't  feel guilty.. she should.

The feeling of gratitude, bliss and comfort vanished. Guilt dominated her feelings now, sitting in like a knot, cutting her air off and making it difficult to breathe. Who was she to think that she could feel thankful for him coming back? He would only get hurt by her again and she would probably make him dislike her more.

“Everything alright?”

Soah didn’t take a glance at him. She looked out of the window, witnessing the birds which were sitting on the tree in front of her room while the leaves were slowly swinging in the wind as the sun began to set, immersing the room in a light shade of orange. She pressed her lips against each other in fear. Fearing that everything could crash down once she spoke the truth out. That, when she told him everything, he would stand up and leave her again. And once he did so, there was no guarantee that he would come back to give her a third chance. And she wouldn’t even deserve one. He would possibly leave her forever.

“Soah..”

Luhan put his hand on her right cheek, slowly turning her head around.

“Look at me.”

Soah shook her head, pulled her legs back and wrapped her arms around them. She rested her chin on her knees and kneaded her fingers, not to let Luhan see that her eyes were wet from the tears which were piling up behind them.

“What’s wrong?” He moved, laying his hands on hers and them with his thumbs on either side. Although she couldn’t see his facial expression, she could only imagine how worried and concerned he looked and it didn’t make it easier for her to finally speak out what he needed to know.

“Look,” Luhan began, breathing in before he continued, “I’m really sorry and I don’t know what else to do so that you’d forgive me. I know it was wrong of me to leave you and believe me, there was no day that passed where I didn’t regret it. I was so, so dumb and I feel so guilty that I reacted that way. Once again, I’m sorry and I beg your apology. Please Soah, forgive me.”

She shook her head again and for a second, Luhan felt like someone pulled the rug out from under him. He blinked a few times in surprise and shock before he took his hands back, slowly, hoping that she would grab them by herself and say something or protest. But she didn’t do so. He sighed desperately, being aware that he should’ve known this. Of course she wouldn’t forgive him that easily after what he had done. Leaving his girlfriend alone with so many things she had to cope with – what did he even think?

Instead of staying by her side, instead of helping her, he was just being selfish, thinking it was him who needed time to overcome everything she told him. The right way to react would have been to be there for her the two weeks he was away. How could he have been so stupid? He was so close to lose the person he cared about the most again just because of his childishness and selfishness. He couldn’t forgive himself for this but he didn’t know a way to make everything better either instead of apologizing and being there for her from now on. Forever.

“It shouldn’t be you apologizing.”

Luhan looked up, raising his eyebrows in surprise about the fact that she suddenly spoke. “What?”

He could only see Soah’s lids, half closed, because she looked at her feet which were moving nervously in circled motions. He heard that her voice was crackling and widened his eyes. Was she crying?

“Remember when you told me that we’d graduate together? That you’d take me wit