DEALING WITH THE PAST

 

 

“I’ll wait for you outside,” Lu Han spoke to Kim Minseok before he made his way out of the groom’s waiting room to let his best friend—the most important man of the day—have a special bonding moment with his parents before the official wedding ceremony started. Even though he was just simply the groom’s Best Man, Lu Han had never felt this nervous in his entire life. He felt the collar of his tux started choking him, so he unlatched his bow tie from his neck and ed the first two buttons of his white shirt. He leaned his back to the wall and softly huffed to the empty air. The Church’s backyard was vacant and he was grateful for it. He really need some time alone.

 

The garden looked beautiful. There was a small fountain on the center of it, and green, neat looking grass was spreading everywhere like thick carpets. Lu Han closed his eyes and breathed in the air. He could smell the scents of grass, roses, jasmines, and lilies on the tip of his nose and he felt himself calming down. The only sound he could hear was the sounds of doves chirping idly as they flew above the elegantly sculptured fountain and just the faint chattering sounds from the Church’s main room where the wedding was held. Most of the wedding guests had already taken their seats, it seemed.

 

Lu Han almost fell asleep to the sound of the wind, singing soothing lullaby through his eardrums. Maybe he actually did, because when he opened his eyes, he was confronted with the sight of a beautiful—more than beautiful, really—girl in a long white gown that was just as pure as the look she displayed on her face. Her dark hair was curled gorgeously and tied in one knot so Lu Han could take a proper look to the smooth surface of the skin on her shoulders. She was holding a bridal bouquet, all white and just like what she wore around the knot of her air, the bouquet was made from fresh lilies and white roses.

 

Lu Han had never, never seen a girl as beautiful as her before. It wasn’t just her looks that stunned him—that left him standing frozen on his feet, with his lips parted in awe. It was the way she moved, so delicate and graceful. It was the way she blinked her doe, fascinating hazel eyes as she gazed through the clear water at the bottom of the fountain. It was the way she ran her gentle fingers through her brown locks to tuck away some wild strands of her hair. It was the way she stared at him back when she noticed he was looking at her.

 

It was the way she smiled—that broken, incurable smile before she said his name.

 

“Hello, Lu Han.”

 

And Lu Han was just lost.

 

Defeated.

 

Confused and helpless.

 

He had never felt this way. He hadn’t even thought that he could experience something like this.

 

But if this were a dream, then he would never want to wake up.

 

Let him fall.

 

Let him drown.

 

Let him stay forever in his dream state.

 

Because at least then, he could reach her hand.

 

Because at least then, Lu Han could be together with his angel once again.

 

***

 

“Lu Han…”

 

“Lu Han!”

 

“LU HAN!”

 

The brunette haired boy wakes up from his dream, blinking his eyes like he’s trying to get something hot out of them. He breathes heavily as he focuses his gaze to the person who has been snapping his fingers in front of him while chanting his name over and over again.

 

“Yes,” Lu Han croaks, “Kris?” His voice sounds hoarse and Lu han really just needs to get a glass of water to wash away the dryness in his throat.

 

“You did not just fall asleep in my meeting,” Kris—the man with hair a couple shades lighter than his—furrows his eyebrows as he stares judgingly at him. “Nobody falls asleep in my meeting.”

 

“Oh, come on, Kris, give the guy some slacks, will you?” Zhang Yixing—the shrill-voiced man, joins in with a bitter tone, “Look at him, he looks like he’s about to faint.”

 

Lu Han settles himself on his seat as he focuses his gaze on Kris. The man with the thick eyebrows does not look amused with the whole situation, especially with the way Yixing is talking to him like that. But then again, Kris and Yixing’s relationships were never really good to begin with.

 

Lu Han sighs and rubs his temple when he says, “I’m sorry. I didn’t get much sleep last night and I’m just…” He exhales one more time. “I’m just tired.”

 

“Rough night?” Yixing questions, one of his hands suddenly moves to massage a spot on Lu Han’s left shoulder. The guy gives too much pressure, and instead of easing the tense feeling Lu Han has been complaining inside his head, Yixing only adds more pain to it.

 

“Get your hand off me, Yixing. You’re killing me,” Lu Han mutters, wriggling his shoulders away. “And yeah, you can say so…”

 

When Kris speaks, Lu Han doesn’t know whether he actually cares or just asking out of curiosity. “What happened? You look awful.”

 

Lu Han tries to breathe in and breathe easily, but his breath always catches in his throat when his mind thinks ‘Cara happened’.

 

“Say,” Lu Han starts with his eyelids closed as he leans back to his seat. “Do you guys believe in Karma?”

 

“Oh yeah,” Yixing says, nodding his head a couple of times. “That’s one son of a right there. If Karma were alive as a person, he would be much ier than Kevin here.” Then he mumbles out, “Wait, is ‘ier’ even a word? ‘Cause I forgot.”

 

Kris doesn’t look pleased with the name Yixing is giving him, but he tries to ignore it for now. “Well, if you ask me—”

 

“I don’t know why, but the word ‘ier’ reminds me of that girl I used to date in my second year in college—”

 

“Yixing, I’m currently talking—”

 

“—but I forgot her name. Was she even Chinese? Hmm…” Yixing taps his chin, ignoring Kris completely even when the said guy is glaring at him. “Oh, no she’s definitely Japanese. Haruka? Sakura? Damn, Japanese names are so hard to remember.”

 

“Are you done?” Kris asks after Yixing falls into silence, perhaps reminiscing his love story with that girl he’s been talking about. The man with dimples on his cheeks just waves a hand, gesturing that Kris should continue with whatever he’s trying to say, even though he won’t hear him out.

 

Kris props his elbows on the table before he laces his hands together. “So, like I was saying—”

 

“YUKI!” Yixing says, standing up from his seat while he jabs a finger to the air, smiling proudly to himself. “Yuki! That’s her name! No, wait…” His forehead creases again. “Or is it Yukiko?”

 

Kris is just a step away from reaching the phone and perhaps calling a security to throw Yixing out of the building, but Lu Han stops him with his voice.

 

“I think it’s happening to me,” Lu Han says, sounding restless and heavy with so many things that Kris and Yixing don’t know about.

 

“What, the Karma thing?” Yixing asks, suddenly looking interested as he focuses his eyes on Lu Han’s weak figure. “Ooh, dude, that doesn’t sound good. What did you do?”

 

What did I do? Lu Han asks himself, even snorting at his own thoughts. I’ve done so many awful things that I don’t even know where to begin.

 

“Well, let’s just say that I treated women so badly in the past,” Lu Han answers, trying to keep it simple enough to talk.

 

Yixing scoffs. “What, like dating them for years and then suddenly ditch them for a freaking scholarship?” Then he smirks at Kris. “Oh I’m sorry, that was you, Kris.”

 

Kris’ nostrils flare under Yixing words and Lu Han shoots him a look that says ignore-him-Yixing’s-an-idiot-anyway, so he resorts to smoothening his tie instead and wistfully comments, “Whatever happened, it’s already in the past. When you do something bad, you get through it, you learn from it, and you try to avoid making the same mistakes. Karma doesn’t exist, so don’t you put yourself in the past for too long.”

 

Kris makes everything sounds so simple and logical, because that’s how his parents taught him to be. But Lu Han is different. The only teacher he ever had to teach him things about life is himself. And he’s not a really good teacher in that matter.

 

Lu Han swallows his breath as another piece of his memories penetrates his mind.

 

“You’re leaving already?” A woman in her early thirties asked with a nagging voice as she shifted her body under the bed sheets. “It’s still so early. My husband’s out of town and he won’t be back soon. You’re okay to stay.”

 

Lu Han let no words flow from his mouth as he put on his socks before he tied his shoes’ laces. He stood up and checked his hair one more time on the standing mirror near the wall, making sure that he didn’t look like he just had last night with a random man’s wife. He was beginning to answer her plead as he rolled up the sleeves of his shirts until they fell just below his elbows. “Can’t. I have classes to go,” he responded.

 

“Oh come on~” she said, purring seductively and threw away the bed sheets to uncover her body right before his eyes. “I can use a morning quickie. I know you want to.”

 

Lu Han sighed and turned around to face her. He couldn’t stop his eyes from falling down to her s and her bare legs, but the second he got enough look, he just blinked out of boredom and stared flatly at her eyes. “Nope, I think I’ve had enough.”

 

“What?” she said, looking quite insulted. “Are you saying that—”

 

“Yes,” Lu Han said, “I’m saying that I’ve grown bored of you. To be honest, I was just curious about how it’d feel to have with women much older than my age. I thought it’d be, I don’t know, more exciting ‘cause you’d be more experienced and stuff. But you, Ma’am? You have failed my expectation.”

 

“What—”

 

“Listen here, Mrs. Cheater,” Lu Han cut her off smoothly. He leaned in close, hovering above her with a smug smile on his lips. “You moaned too loud; you clawed at my back too hard; and you wanted to kiss me on the lips even when I told you I didn’t want to.” He said those words so casually as if he was talking about the weather. “I don’t do kisses on one night stand. Besides, you don’t know how to use your tongue at all. Your kisses are sloppy and gross. I felt like you wanted to eat my face. No wonder your life with your husband is boring.”

 

Her lower jaw was hanging loosely on her face as her eyes grew wide in shock. But she got over it rather quickly. On the next moment, she already gritted her teeth and looked at him with piercing eyes, boiled with anger. “Get the out of here.”

 

Lu Han snorted, smirking while he raised his hands. “Already on my way, Ma’am.” He casually grabbed his bag and slung it over his shoulder as he walked to the door. He stopped with a small “Oh!” as he realized something, just a few seconds away from closing her room’s door. “Right, I almost forgot.” He turned around and walked to her bed, tilting his chin arrogantly. “Here,” he threw a rather big amount of money right to her face.

 

She gasped in surprise. “What the fu—”

 

“I’m not a ,” Lu Han said, “I slept with you not because you paid me. So there, take your money back, I don’t need it. And one more thing,” Lu Han stopped to suddenly lean in and press her down flatly to the bed. She winced at the sudden force and could only look at him with wide, wavering eyes as he hovered over again, but this time, the playful aura was gone.

 

This time, she was afraid.

 

Lu Han eyes gleamed tauntingly, making her skin prickle with fear. “If you tell anyone about this,” he said, voice dead and cold, “I’m going to tell your husband about us.”

 

“Y-you—” she stuttered, gulping at the way Lu Han’s hand grazing the skin of . It already felt like he was choking her, even though he wasn’t. Not yet, anyway. “You don’t have any proof.”

 

Lu Han only smirked confidently. “Want to test that out, Ma’am?”

 

She froze on her spot.

 

Lu Han’s lips turn cold with no smiles again. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”

 

She hastily nodded.

 

“Say it,” he ordered; his eyes glinting dangerously.

 

Her eyes got teary when he felt the heavy pressure of his hand around . He wasn’t really strangling her; it was the fear that made her cry. “I… I understand.”

 

“Good!” Lu Han suddenly grinned like a child, innocent and bright, despite what he just threatened her. “And here’s another review from me before I leave: You gave the sloppiest ever. You at it—no pun intended.” He chuckled lightly as he exited the room. “I won’t be surprised if your husband cheats behind your back as well!”

 

Lu Han could hear her scream in frustration and a complete anger, but the only response he gave was another smirk from his lips.

 

***

 

“Lu-ge,” Yixing calls for the hundredth times that day, “Hey, are you okay? What happened to you?”

 

Lu Han slowly opens his eyes, snapping back from his reverie. He didn’t realize he was keeping them closed until Yixing shook his shoulders.

 

Cara happened.

 

And no, she’s not okay.

 

And that answers your last question as well.

 

“Don’t worry about me,” Lu Han says casually, forging a smile.  “So what did I miss? About our job, I mean.”

 

Kris looks very pleased that Lu Han starts being professional and talks about the case once again. The heavily accented man never put much effort in trying to show empathy to anyone after all. “This,” Kris slides a bundle of white papers at Lu Han and Yixing’s direction, “is what you two need to know.”

 

Yixing, who is sitting beside Lu Han, just yawns and pats him on the shoulder. “I’ll leave the reading materials to you, Lulu. You know I’ll forget them by the end of the day anyway.”

 

“Don’t call me that. There’s only one person who can call me that, and I’m just allowing her ‘cause she’s cute,” Lu Han sharply says.

 

Yixing chuckles, “But I’m still cuter than Wufan over there, right?”

 

Lu Han only sighs when Kris actually growls at the sly bastard. The oldest of the three presses two fingers to the side of his forehead when he feels a stinging pain at the particular spot. “Damn,” Lu Han swears, “I need some coffee.”

 

Kris presses one button on his office’s phone and says, “Americano. Make it three. Now.” And when Lu Han and Yixing shoot him a blank stare, he just shrugs. “What? I thought you said you needed some coffee.”

 

“Yeah, thanks,” Lu Han says, shaking his head as he mumbles under his breath, “Damn, you rich brat.”

 

“I heard that.”

 

“Oops.”

 

Lu Han moves his eyes through the jumbled of words written on the papers Kris just gave him, and his forehead creases as he reads the case. “So this is what we have to deal with?”

 

“Yes,” Kris answers, voice deep as it rumbles through the air. “I hope you can win this.”

 

It’s Yixing who answers with a scoff. “Who the hell do you think you’re talking to? Of course we can win this!”

 

“And who the hell do you think you’re talking to?” Kris retorts back, and Yixing only smirks in return.

 

Lu Han rolls his eyes at the sight of the two grown-up boys snarling at each other like wolves. It feels just like high school all over again. Kris, Yixing, and Lu Han were The Three Musketeers—people at their school used to call them that—and they got along so well, until Kris and Yixing fell for the same girl. And despite their charming and mature personas, Kris and Yixing still like to banter and fight with each other over small issues that don’t even worth to be discussed.

 

“Am I the only who has matured around here?” Lu Han asks; his voice is filled with annoyance. “Stop growling at each other and focus back to our case, please.”

 

Kris brings his chin up, trying to look more superior in front of his rival. “I don’t take orders from anyone.”

 

“Shut up and go back to your seat, Ben Ben,” Lu Han says and even though Kris looks like he just got slapped on the face, the taller one doesn’t retort back. Yixing snorts mockingly and Lu Han scowls at him. “Behave, Yixing, or I’ll—”

 

“Or what?” Yixing raises an eyebrow tauntingly, “Or else you’re gonna call my mom and tell her about it? Sorry, that only works for Ben Ben over there.”

 

Kris looks like he’s about to leap out of his seat and strangle Yixing to death, but Lu Han just raises his iPhone in the air and sends a meaningful look toward the boy with cute dimples.

 

“Just one click, Yixing,” Lu Han threatens, voice melodious and Yixing’s eyes waver in horror. “Just one click and the whole world will know.”

 

“No!” he begs. “I’ll shut up now, I promise! Just don’t distribute my Nobody dance cover video!”

 

And Kris nods his head, completely awed by the way Lu Han is taming The Zhang Yixing—The infamous, fearless young lawyer who always knows the way to distort the facts every time he meets a dead end.

 

“Great job,” Kris says and Lu Han just waves him off.

 

“Now, back to the case,” Lu Han says, “I need to read through all of this first before I can start with my statements. Yixing, for the time being, I want you to read this too and—”

 

“But Lu-ge,” Yixing whines, despite him already being twenty-six years old, “You know how I tend to forget about stuff, right? I’ll leave the details all to you and you’ll just let me speak to win the case. That’s how it always works anyway, right?”

 

“Yeah, but at least you need to know what we’re dealing with first, you ,” Lu Han says, shoving the papers to Yixing’s lap. “God, I feel like I want to explode!”

 

“You’re not in a good mood,” Kris says, more like a statement than a question.

 

“Yeah, just keep stating out the obvious, Kris,” Yixing comments.

 

“Yixing,” Lu Han calls and the said man immediately shuts up. The oldest of the three falls back to his chair and throws an arm to cover his eyes from the bright light of the room. “Kris, can we cut our meeting short?”

 

“Hyung,” Kris says, wincing when he says the word ‘Hyung’, and Yixing snickers at him for that. “You’ve been in my office for fifteen minutes, probably. And you’ve spent the first ten minutes of that time sleeping soundly in your seat.”

 

Lu Han doesn’t falter away. “So, can we?”

 

The tallest man sighs. “God, why did I decide to work with you two?”

 

“Because we’re hella awesome,” Yixing cooes.

 

“Fine, just leave,” Kris says, waving a hand. “We can re-schedule again. You being all cranky like this wouldn’t contribute much to our progress anyway.”

 

Lu Han rubs his temple. “I’m sorry. We still have a lot of time, right? I’ll do my research tonight. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

 

“Yes!” Yixing jabs his pen to the empty air. “More time for me to start working on my songs! Hey, Fan Fan, do you still rap?”

 

“Oh, Jesus Christ,” Kris says, rubbing his temple with his long fingers. “Stop with that nickname. And no, I don’t. I have a business to run.”

 

“Boo, you’re so boring now~”

 

“I’ll meet you two again soon, then,” Lu Han says, starts gathering back his Macbook Pro and its charger and the rest of his belongings that are scattered on Kris’ worktable.

 

“Wait! I have a question!” Yixing raises a hand. “So, like, is there another meeting tomorrow or…?”

 

“Not tomorrow,” Kris states, “I have to go to Paris. Business trip.”

 

“Of course.” Yixing rolls his eyes. “Next day after tomorrow?”

 

“No can do,” Kris shakes his head again. “Already have a schedule to fly to Moscow. I got some customers to meet there too.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Yixing waves him off, clearly looking annoyed.

 

Lu Han joins in. “Just please tell me you’re not busy after that because I want to get things done fast.”

 

“Unfortunately,” Kris sighs, “I have to go—”

 

“What, another business trip?” Yixing makes a face and Kris just scowls in return—but then again, he’s always scowling.

 

“No,” Kris says, voice deep and low, “I’m meeting my mother for lunch—”

 

“Great, that’s settled then!” Yixing stretches his arms wide above his head. “We can meet at dinner—”

 

“—in Canada.”

 

“Oh you, Kevin—”

 

And Lu Han can’t hear the rest of their childish banters because he already takes his laptop bag in one arm and his iPhone on the other and leaves Kris’ huge personal office.

 

This is completely unprofessional—sleeping in the middle of the meeting, scowling and scolding your own client and co-worker, not to mention cutting your meeting short (like really short) because you wanted to finish your own business—and Lu Han knows that well. But how can he concentrate when his mind keeps going back and forth from his head to that pastry house that’s located just two blocks away from here?

 

“Damn it, Lu, keep yourself together,” he mutters under his breath and imagines kicking himself right on the gut as he takes rapid steps to reach the exit door of the office. He checks his Emporio Armani watch and sees that it is now three minutes pass seven p.m.

 

The pasty house is still open.

 

Now or never, Lu. Now or never.

 

***

 

 

“Ah, you’re the guy from last night.”

 

Lu Han blinks a couple of times when the pastry lady from last night comments at him at the first second he steps into the exact pastry house. She looks just as old as he is, and just like Cara, she has big eyes with a sharp stare, constantly analyzing people with them. She wears heavy make-up on her face and Lu Han dislikes the bloody red color she displays on her lips.

 

“Are you her sister?” Lu Han asks and then he catches himself being rude and immediately bows his head down, apologizing. “I’m sorry for suddenly asking questions like that. Umm, hello, I’m Lu Han.” He smiles and offers his right hand towards her.

 

Her eyes bore into his in the most uncomfortable, almost torturing kind of way the moment she catches his name. And when she takes his hand, she does it calmly but her stare is cold, seeping through his skin until it prickles his bones. “Ah, so you’re Lu Han.”

 

“I’m sorry?” Lu Han asks, frowning. “Have I met you before?”

 

“Other than last night? No,” she chuckles, somehow the sound seems unpleasant to his ears. “But she mentions your name a lot.”

 

And it’s a huge lie if Lu Han says that there isn’t a scorch of hope and delight rising in his chest. His heart beats faster, but he keeps his face still and guarded. “Is it okay if I see her?” he questions carefully.

 

“And why would I allow you to do that?” she asks, moving away to pick up an empty tray that has just been used by a customer. There are only six people present in the room right now: two young teenagers chattering at the back of the room, one man with a cup of latte in his hands, another staff from the store currently adding more muffins to the pastry’s display case, and the rest is Lu Han with the lady who is now cleaning the tray from bread crumbs.

 

“Because I’m her friend,” Lu Han answers, and he tries to ignore the uneasy feeling in his chest.

 

“Her friend?” she scoffs. “If you’re her friend, why did she scream when she saw you? Hmm? Why did she cry when you got too close to her?”

 

“I…” Lu Han feels like he’s sinking to the ground. “I don’t know.”

 

“Then you’re in for a treat, young man,” she says, smiling in the way that is able to make Lu Han flinch in discomfort. “Do you fancy a cup of tea, Lu Han-sshi? Or maybe some coffee?”

 

And Lu Han just nods, letting her make her own decision before he follows her to a more private spot that is only made for two people.

 

“Come. Please sit,” she says, and Lu Han obeys her right away. He takes off his black blazer and folds it halfway before he places it on the back of his chair. “So, Lu Han,” she starts after taking a sip of her cinnamon latte. She nods her head to the black coffee she has provided Lu Han before and the man nods his head a couple times too fast before he drinks it in. “Tell me where you’re from.”

 

“Beijing, China,” Lu Han answers shortly.

 

“And did you come all the way here to Seoul to see her?”

 

“No,” Lu Han says, but half part of his heart betrays him. He did kind of hope to see her, actually. “I’m here to solve a case. I’m a lawyer, and—”

 

“And now you’re sitting here in my store, wanting to see my sister even though you hurt her so bad last night,” she says in that poisonous voice of hers and Lu Han clenches his jaw to control his emotions from showing out in the open. “Isn’t that true, Lu Han-sshi?”

 

Every time she calls his name, Lu Han feels like she’s mocking him and he doesn’t like it at all. But for now, there are some things—or words—that matter more to him. Lu Han wets his bottom lip anxiously when he asks, “Did I really hurt her?”

 

He doesn’t know what she sees in his eyes, but after a few heart-stopping moments, she sighs and answers, “Look, I don’t know who you are, or what do you want with my sister, but haven’t you had enough? Haven’t you ruined her enough?”

 

Lu Han’s mind and heart feel like crumbling to ashes. “What?”

 

“I don’t know what you’ve done to her,” she says, looking fatigued and frustrated with the whole situation. “I don’t know how you could have the heart to ruin her marriage like this—to make her suffer and—”

 

“Wait, hold up!” Lu Han almost stands up from his seat. His hands making fast moving gestures in the air as he panics. “What are you talking about?”

 

“She’s going crazy!” Her voice suddenly raises a few octaves higher and Lu Han grimaces at the pain in her voice. “Do you think it’s easy for her? For me? For my family? She’s afraid of people and every time a guy tries to approach her she starts screaming! I’m getting sick from all of this and it’s all because of you!”

 

“How is this my fa—” Lu Han feels like he just got stabbed right on his gut. “What did I do? Please, I don’t know anything. I swear to God, I would’ve never hurt her in any way—”

 

“And yet you did,” she finishes coldly.

 

Lu Han tries to even his breath. “It must have been something I wasn’t conscious about.”

 

She falls into silence, just looking at him with searching, judging cold eyes as she folds her arms on her chest. “You’re a great liar, Lu Han-sshi. I give you that.”

 

Lu Han inhales sharply as he tries to extinguish the fire that’s starting to grow in the pit of his stomach. “I am not a liar—”

 

Cara’s sister isn’t one to buy excuses from people. “You really almost had me with your I-don’t-know-anything act. Almost.”

 

“But I’m not lying!” Lu Han is so close to slamming his hands on the table out of frustration. “I really don’t know anything, I swear!” he almost shrieks in desperation. “Whatever it is that I did wrong, I want to fix it, but I can’t do that without your explanation, so please!”

 

She eventually gives up and sighs, swatting her bangs out of her eyes. “Come on,” she says, standing up and flicks her hand, indicating that he should follow her. “I’ll let you see her. Maybe you’ll know just how much you’ve made her suffer then.”

 

***

Now, now, don't be angry with me, guys. I know this chapter probably so much , but holy , you guys, you have to know that I'm going crazy over here with my schedule. I just got a job, and I'm still working on my thesis, so forgive me if this chapter feels kind of rushed and just plain boring :'( I'll try to write better next time, I promise! There will be more HunHan--I mean, more Sehun on the next chapter hehe I hope you still enjoy reading this.

 

Thanks for reading, guys! Can I expect another comments from you all? :)