DESPERATELY

 

 

“We’re gonna win this,” Yixing says, his eyes gleaming in excitement as he enters his client office. “Do you hear me, boys? We’re totally gonna win this!”

 

“Easy there, don’t get too hasty,” Kris reminds him, walking a few steps behind him despite being the owner of the luxurious place. But even though the current CEO of the Wu Corporation still has that dull strictness in his voice, Lu Han can still witness the proud, blissful smile that appears faintly on his face. No one can dismiss the fact that with what happened today at court, their group is now walking down the path of victory.

 

“Let him breathe, Kris,” Lu Han says, craning his neck and stretching his arms above his head because after spending almost ten hours sitting with a merciless face at court, he kind of needs to limber up.

 

Kris walks to his desk, ing his blazer and loosening his tie while he’s at it. “We may be standing a step ahead of them, but that doesn’t mean we can lower our guard,” he says in that leader-like voice of his. “There are still a few things we need to deal with, Yixing, and we shouldn’t—”

 

“Who gives a , Kevin?” Yixing retorts, throwing his hands in the air as he barks a cocky laugh and throws his body to the couch. “I effing slayed that lawyer’s today! You saw me did it! You saw the way he went speechless after hearing my words!”

 

Lu Han shakes his head in amusement but that doesn’t stop him from landing a small bump to Yixing’s skull because the younger man is being too noisy to his liking. “Shut up, we haven’t won this yet. Kris is right. We can’t be over our heads right now.”

 

“You just told Kris to let me breathe before, Lu-ge—”

 

“Yeah, but now you’re being too loud and I want you to shut up again.”

 

“Oh my GOD, you guys are so lame,” Yixing says, whining dramatically. “I thought at this point, we’ll get some break and go to a strip club or something.”

 

“I don’t go to strip clubs,” Kris says, his face is dead serious as if he was talking about his company’s stock took an unexpected plunge or something.

 

“I don’t go to strip clubs too,” Lu Han says and before Yixing can call bull on him, he quickly adds, “Not anymore, I mean.”

 

“Guys, GUYS!” Yixing yells, clapping his hands as he stands up on Kris’ guest couch with his shoes on (Kris is about to pass out at this point). “I am THIS CLOSE to punching you all one by one on the face but I won’t because Kevin can literally sell my to black market and I don’t think I’m up for that BUT we’re talking about strip clubs here! Come on, guys! They have free brownies there!”

 

Lu Han is muttering something along the line, “That’s the reason why you want us to go to a strip club?” when Kris scowls and harshly orders the other man to “Get off my couch, Yixing.”

 

“But Kevin I haven’t explained the exquisiteness of this cheesecake I once ate at this strip clu—”

 

“Get. Off. My. Couch.”

 

“It was so creamy and—”

 

“GET THE OFF MY COUCH!”

 

Yixing forces himself to shut up and jumps down from Kris’ couch in a speed of light. It’s a wonder he didn’t just hide under the table because the man looks so frightened over the sudden thunderous scream.

 

Lu Han looks dumbstruck. “Whoa, man,” he says, “Take it easy there, okay?”

 

“I’m sorry, it’s just…” Kris sighs, rubbing his temple. “That’s just an expensive couch.”

 

“I don’t like you very much these days, Kevin,” Yixing mutters with an obvious pout, sitting back to his previous position after patting his —perhaps relieved because it could’ve been sold for real. “You are a mean, insensitive, and a heartless young man. And to think that we used to be so close before.”

 

“We were never close,” Kris corrects him, turning around on his seat to access his computer and checks on his e-mails. His anger slowly dissipates.

 

“What do you mean we were never close?” Yixing appears like he’s been impaled. “I used to bake you cookies with my grandmammie!”

 

“That didn’t happen.”

 

“And we used to bathe together after gym—”

 

“That certainly did not happen.”

 

“I even lend you my condoms so you could make love with my ex-girlfriend!”

 

Kris opens his mouth to correct him but then he remembered. “Well, yes… That actually did happen one time.”

 

“Jesus Christ, I’m out of here,” Lu Han says, chuckling lightly as he picks up his bag and slurps down the rest of his wine (yes, Kris has a wine cellar in his office and that’s not against the rules because he owns the entire place). “You boys go have fun without me.”

 

“Lu-ge, where are you going?” Yixing whines, just like Lu Han has expected in his mind. The man quickly wraps his fingers around Lu Han’s wrist and pulls him down with so much force that Lu Han ends up falling to his lap. Circling his arms around Lu Han’s waist, Yixing loudly wails, “XING XING IS LONELY WITHOUT HIS LULU~”

 

Lu Han sighs, sitting on Yixing’s thighs and tries not to wince in disgrace. “Is this gonna happen every single time I try to leave, Yixing?”

 

“Yes, and don’t you ever deny our love, my baby deer~” Yixing mutters to the back of Lu Han’s collar. The older man can smell a tint of alcohol in his breath. Seems like somebody got a little too drunk from their early dinner today. It’s almost a public knowledge that Yixing’s alcohol tolerance is basically that he can get high only by eating cheesecakes filled with rums. That man is already weird beyond belief without liquor in his system. Give him the slightest amount of alcohol and you can tell him to strip dance in public and he’ll probably do it. No, scratch that. He will do it.

 

“Get off me, you’re gross!” Lu Han tries to wrestle his way out of Yixing’s lap. “Goddammit, Yixing, we’re not kids anymore—Let me go!” But Yixing only laughs and winds his arms tighter around Lu Han’s waist and pulls him closer to the younger man’s chest. “Lu-ge, buy me some cheesecake~”

 

“Are you crazy?! What is wrong with you—”

 

“Lu-geeeeeee~”

 

Kris sighs, finally focusing back to the two men instead of his computer. “I’m so relieved you guys didn’t behave like this at the court earlier,” he says, “But as much as I’m thankful for what you two have done for me and my company today—”

 

“AAAAAWWWWW BEN BEN LOVES US—”

 

“I will need to ask you to leave immediately,” Kris finishes. He stands up, takes off his black suit and tie, and pops open one button on his expensive white shirt. He rolls up both of his sleeves until they reach just under his elbows and runs a hand through his perfectly styled light brown hair.

 

“Whoa,” Yixing gapes, staring at Kris without blinking. He looks entranced. “It’s like I’m staring at a Hugo Boss commercial. Kevin, you’re so hot!”

 

Kris only sends the other man a scowl before he picks up his Ray-Ban sunglasses from the locker below his desk, together with his custom made iPhone and wallet. “I have to pick up my little niece from school and I’m running late,” Kris says, grabbing a leather jacket from his personal closet and making a beeline to the door.

 

Lu Han frowns. “A leather jacket? What, are you going to ride a bike over there or something?” Of course he intends to mock. Lu Han will always be the first one to seem displeased with Kris’ wealth. Not because he’s jealous or anything. He just thinks Kris’ money is pretty much if it’s not given to him. Yeah, totally not jealous.

 

Kris smiles—more like an intimidating smirk in Lu Han’s opinion. “Don’t be ridiculous,” he says, “I don’t have a bicycle.”

 

“I have a bicycle,” Yixing comments proudly, “I have a bicycle and it has like, three wheels or something. Does that mean I’m a level higher than you, Kevin?”

 

“Don’t call me Kevin,” Kris says, voice low enough to be threatening. “My niece said that she got laughed at school because I once picked her up with my limousine. Maybe she wanted me to tone it down a little and that’s why I’m bringing over my Ducati.”

 

“Duca—” Lu Han almost chocked on his words. No, he actually did. After getting over a small train of embarrassing coughs, Lu Han shrieks, “You’re bringing over your Ducati and you think that’s toning down?!”

 

Kris thinks about it for two seconds before he shrugs. “Yeah.”

 

“That’s not toning down.”

 

“It’s not?”

 

“Not even in the slightest, Mr. Wu.”

 

“Well it’s either that or I’m bringing my limo.”

 

Lu Han gives him a look before he looks away, quietly muttering, “ing rich bastard.”

 

“What’s a Ducati?” Yixing asks and Lu Han almost palms his face before he grabs Yixing’s phone and shows his own wallpaper to the said man. “Why are you showing me a picture of my love and eternal valentine, Valentino Rossi—”

 

“Because Ducati is that motorbike he uses, you moron!”

 

“OH MY GOOOOOOOOOD!” Yixing throws Lu Han out of his lap and leaps to Kris’ arms. “KEVIN DO YOU REALLY HAVE ROSSI’S BIKE DO YOU REALLY HAVE—”

 

“Be quiet.” Kris actually slaps his hand over Yixing’s face and pushes him away before he wipes his poor hand to the side of his pants. “It’s slightly different than what he has, Yixing, but yeah that’s basically it. Now, excuse me, I need to sanitize my hand.”

 

Yixing falls to his knees, begging and clutching both arms to Kris’ leg. “CAN I RIDE CAN I RIDE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CAN I RIDE IT—”

 

“No. And let go of my leg.”

 

“CAN I AT LEAST KISS IT—”

 

“Certainly not, Yixing.”

 

“OH MY GOOOOOOOOD THE PAIIIIN!” Yixing crumbles to the floor and begins to punch the carpet as he sobs. “THE PAIN OF NOT BEING ABLE TO REUNITE WITH MY LOVE! ROSSI, MY MASTER, FORGIVE MEEEEEH!”

 

Kevin throws Lu Han a look. “What’s wrong with him?”

 

“Just Yixing being Yixing.”

 

“Did he drink earlier?”

 

“Yeah. We had some sojus, remember?”

 

“Ah… I see.” Still frowning, Kris begins to walk through the door, passing Yixing who’s still sobbing on the ground. “Well, I’m heading out now. Tell my secretary whenever you two are ready to leave.”

 

“Be careful~” Lu Han says, waving his hand before he sighs and picks up his bag also. He softly kicks the crying man by the shoulder a few times. “Yixing. Hey, Yixing! He’s gone.”

 

“What?” Yixing picks up his face from the floor. There are no tears in his eyes. “He left? Does that mean my dramatic act didn’t work at him, not even in the slightest?”

 

Lu Han sends him a flat stare. “But you’re such a remarkable actor. Don’t ever let him bring you down. Zhang Yixing, go shine and fulfill your passion!”

 

For the first time that evening, Yixing glares at the older man. “You know, I used to think sarcastic people were y. But you’re not even cute, Lu-ge, why is that?”

 

Lu Han sighs. “Good night, Yixing.”

 

***

 

“Cara, I’m home,” Lu Han announces the moment he enters his apartment. There are a few seconds of silence before Cara comes out of her room with little running steps and a wide, contagious smile breaking on her lips.

 

“Welcome back, Lu Han,” she replies, half-running to his spot but stopping before Lu Han can witness how much she wishes to be able to envelop him with her hug. He sees it anyway, though, which is why he meets her halfway and grins widely when he embraces her shoulders. “I’m home, Cara…”

 

She still freezes a little over their body contact but soon melts into it. She smiles and holds him back.

 

“Are you all right?” Lu Han asks just in case, his mouth moving close to her ear as she sinks in deeper into his hug. She nods, slowly shutting her eyes and enjoys the warmth he provides for her. Lu Han laughs, feeling immensely happy with the fact that now he can be so close with her like this. He has come a long way and he doesn’t intend to leave. He just wants to relive this moment over and over again.

 

“I-I’ve been…” she starts when he releases her. She looks perfectly pretty when she stares up at him with bright hazel eyes and blush on her cheeks. “I… I mean, I…”

 

“You’ve been waiting for me?” Lu Han helps her, wiggling his eyebrows and she lets out a small giggle though she doesn’t confirm it right away. She doesn’t need to, though. Lu Han can tell. He always can.

 

Cara carefully untangles his scarf from his neck and Lu Han stands quiet and watches her as she does so. He takes in every detail, memorizing the little mole above her lip, the flutter of her eyelashes, and the way she parts her lips. She’s beautiful beyond belief, with grace in every move and a kind heart that doesn’t discriminate anyone. She’s an Angel, falling from heaven because of the sacrifice she made for her family, but in his eyes, nothing in this world could taint her perfect being.

 

“Y-you’re staring,” she comments after a while, blushing like always.

 

“You’re beautiful,” he says, sincerely and softly because that’s the only way she deserves to be treated. Lu Han is only a man, with flaws and imperfections, ready to stand together with her, to catch her when she falls, to fall in love with her when everyone else treats her with vain.

 

Cara stops moving and just looks at him in the eyes. Her breathing’s slow and faint, like a baby in their sleep. Gently, she cups one of his cheeks and rubs the pad of her thumb across the skin. Lu Han sighs and closes his eyes, trying to hold back the frown that’s about to come to the surface.

 

“What’s wrong?” Cara slowly asks and it surprises him because he thought he’d hid it well. But maybe she understands him just as much as he understands her.

 

“I’m afraid,” Lu Han finally says in all honesty, leaning down to press his temple against hers. He opens his eyes slightly when she closes hers. “Cara, everything has been going on so well for me—for us—and you don’t know how happy I am to be able to be close to you like this, but…” Lu Han backs away for only a few inches and cups her hand with his, holding them together to his cheek. His eyes are boring into her concerned ones. “I can’t help but feeling that something bad is going to happen.”

 

Cara smiles, rubbing comforting circles to his skin. “Lu Han, I’m fine…”

 

“I know, I know,” Lu Han says, kissing the inside of her palm once before he places it to his cheek again. “And I’m so glad you are. I’m just… I’m just being honest to you and… I guess I just wanted to tell you how I feel.”

 

“You’re always so concerned about me,” Cara says, frowning slightly. “And as much as it flatters me, I don’t want you to worry about me, Lu Han. I can take care of myself. I’m better now, see?”

 

Of course, she’s better. Lu Han can see that very clearly. After spending months and months adapting herself to the new environment, she becomes healthier in any way possible. She eats better; she sleeps better. And with Kim Minseok’s help, Lu Han has been able to provide her what she needs to get over her trauma. She talks more often these days and interacts with people more bravely. Lu Han can even leave her in his apartment by herself now. It definitely took some time but it was worth it.

 

She’s as fine as she can be for the time being but there’s just something—something that still bothers him. As if danger was trailing behind them, following like shadows, waiting to strike the moment Lu Han put his guard down. He can’t risk it. He can’t risk anything bad happening to her. But he doesn’t know what to do to prevent it.

 

“Don’t worry…” Cara says, bluntly pulling Lu Han into another embrace and whispers in his ear. “I’m not going to hurt myself again. I live for you; you live for me, right? We’ll protect one another so don’t worry…”

 

Lu Han blinks, his mouth parting with no words before it breaks into a heartwarming smile. Hugging her back by the waist, he says, “You’re right. I live for you; you live for me. Our story will have a happy ending, right, Cara?”

 

Cara mirrors his smile and lets Lu Han presses his lips against her temple.

 

“Yes.”

 

***

 

It’s the little moment like this that makes Lu Han’s heart thump like crazy but his mind stay in complete bliss. Just two people, sitting side by side with their hands almost touching but their fingers not intertwined. The close proximity between them is enough to make him feel that little electricity on the tips of his fingers without being too overwhelming for her. Lu Han has never felt like this before. When he used to see girls mainly as his toys of pleasure, he could only feel excited when he has one of his older females pressing their bare chest against his with their fingers sinking into the skin of his back. But today, he only sits there, listening to her soft breathing and just thinking about some words to say but it’s already driving him crazy in a good way. It’s weird to explain with his mind but his heart knows without needing words to form the meaning.

 

It’s been a week since Cara’s been working at the orphanage. It’s unbelievable and Lu Han still can’t let the fact that she’s now socializing with different people everyday sink into his mind. It’s so surreal. It’s been almost ten months since the day he came into her life. Everything has changed and it’s changed for the better. It’s amazing how much effects he has on her, and how much effects she has on him.

 

From the first day, it’s always been him that forces her to move on, to start a new page, to heal the wounds her former husband once inflicted on her. It’s something that she can never repay for. But of course, Lu Han doesn’t need to be repaid. He already has everything he needs.

 

“Why are you afraid of snow?” Cara asked one night a few weeks ago, when the first snow fell onto the earth, painting Lu Han’s windows with white and his mind with dread.

 

Lu Han took a look at the cotton white ice falling from the sky and he let out an awkward laugh to cover the shivers that ran through his body—ones that weren’t caused by the cold. “Everyone’s afraid of something, Cara,” he replied, trying to sound casual. It didn’t work.

 

Cara fell quiet, sitting noiselessly beside him with a blanket wrapped around her body. She looked like a fluffy, warm, adorable porcelain doll with cheeks and nose slightly red from the cold. Lu Han’s answer sounded definite and she didn’t want to force him to tell. It made him feel a bit guilty that he stopped her after she did a rare attempt in trying to strike a conversation first.

 

So he did what he always does. He began to tell stories.

 

“Once upon a time,” Lu Han said, scooting closer to her on the couch and Cara could now witness the redness on the tip of his nose. “There was this little boy named Lu Han. He was eight years old and although he was young, he wasn’t fat. He was smart, good looking, and possibly the iest kid alive despite his young age. I mean, if you ask me, that kid was so hot that he could probably send Beckham’s sons crying to their dad, saying ‘Daddy, this is not fair! I look like a peasant if being compared to him! I mean, look at those eyes, daddy! Look at those big, beautiful, doe eyes!’”

 

Cara chuckled softly and Lu Han her hair with adoration in his eyes. Carefully, he shifted his weight a little bit so she could lean closer to him and lay her head on his shoulder. She did and closed her eyes, basking in his warmth. Lu Han looked satisfied enough at that and covered both of their bodies with one blanket.

 

“So one morning,” Lu Han continued, tilting his head to the side and pressing his cheek against the top of her head as he spoke. “Little Lu Han went out with his mother to help her buy some gifts for Christmas. They were walking at the side of a lake. It was beautiful when spring came, but when winter? It was frozen and death was waiting in every corner.”

 

Cara could hint a tremble in his voice when he took a deep breath. “Are you okay?” she asked, tilting her face upward to look at him.

 

Lu Han only smiled back and kissed her temple. “I’m fine.” He began her hair again to soothe her down. “Little Lu Han was always bratty. His mother told him not to walk too far from her, afraid that he might be stepping on the lake. He didn’t listen.” Lu Han closed his eyes and attempted to take another deep breath. “He… He was trying to prove something. He told his mother, ‘Mom, look! I can walk on ice!’ It was dumb and his mother was furious. She kept calling him back, shouting, ‘Lu Han, come back here! It’s dangerous, you could fall!’”

 

“Lu Han…” Cara suddenly took a hold of his hand, squeezing it to comfort him. She noticed the haste in his breathing, the shivers in his voice even when he didn’t. “It’s okay. You don’t need to tell the rest. I get it.”

 

Lu Han’s eyes gradually became still, staring at one spot as if he wasn’t there with her. “He didn’t listen,” he said, his voice quiet and emotionless. “He kept running on ice. It felt nice. It felt good to be there, proving his point to his mother that he couldn’t fall. He wanted to prove his mother wrong—that for the first time in his life, he had control over himself. It felt amazing until the ice broke under his feet.”

 

“Hey, hey,” Cara sat up and stood on her knees, facing him and cupping Lu Han’s cheeks with her smaller hands. The warmth made him turn his head to look at her but there was this terror in his eyes that still wouldn’t go away because Lu Han kept on thinking about the incident. “Hey, you’re okay,” she said, rubbing her thumb along his cheekbone. “Stop thinking about it.”

 

“It was cold,” he said, swallowing hard. “Cara, it was so, so cold to the point you just couldn’t breathe. You wanted to scream but you wouldn’t be able to find your voice.  It was excruciating. It felt like someone was tearing your skin open though there was none. It felt like your limbs were being cut off although they were still there, perfectly in tact. All you could think about was ‘just get me out of here, get me out of here’ but you could only wait.”

 

Cara’s forehead creased in concern. “Lu Han…”

 

“You were alone and that would be the time you’d realize how scary it truly is to be by yourself.” He exhaled heavily and brought his face down to his hands. “To scream when no one could hear. To reach out a hand when nobody could reach back. You were just there… Alone and dying. The water dragged you to the side, pulling you away from the hole you fell in and then you found yourself pressing your palm against the ice. The surface was so close and yet you couldn’t reach through the barrier. You were stuck and that’s when your thoughts dissolved into ‘just let me die already’.”

 

Cara didn’t say anything and instead, she circled her arms around his neck and pressed their bodies together. “You’re safe,” she whispered, “You’re okay… You’re with me now.”

 

Lu Han blinked his empty eyes, feeling like a déjà vu just hit him straight in the head.  He remembered that day when somebody managed to get him out of the water. He didn’t remember how, he didn’t remember his condition but he remembered the way his mother said the same thing, “You’re safe, you’re okay, you’re with me now.”

 

Lu Han closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around her waist and Cara yelped in surprise when he suddenly brought her into his lap. “I’m with you…” he sighed, burying his face in the crook of her neck. “I’m not alone…”

 

It was too much, she wasn’t ready for such contact. But the way he held her, all shaky breath and desperate need of comfort, made her realize that she needed to be stronger. She wanted to be able to protect him too—to chase his fear away when he was about to crumble to nothingness. So Cara tried persistently to calm her racing heartbeat and slowly the soft hair at the back of his head. “You’re not alone,” she whispered back, a bit breathlessly because this was the first time she’d ever been this close to him. Not in a million years would she think that she’d be able to sit on his lap like this. “You will never be alone, Lu Han. Not anymore…”

 

A week later after that, the snow was piling on the ground and Lu Han felt sick. It was like a hundred yards of white bed, spreading over the ground, ready to swallow his entire being. Lu Han could feel death reaching up to him, seeping through his dreams, turning every bit of it into nightmares.

 

“Come with me,” Cara said in the morning, taking a hold of Lu Han’s hand and beamed him with a smile.

 

“W-where to?” Lu Han was still not used to being woken up by a pair of bright hazel eyes and a dazzling smile. He just realized he fell asleep on top of his papers again. Kris’ lawsuit problem was beginning to become the source of pain for his life (but the money made it worth it so he kept it going).

 

“It’s a surprise,” she easily replied, taking off his tie from hanging loosely around his neck and tied them back around his head to cover his eyes. If Lu Han were fully awake, he would’ve about how this looked like on the outside.

 

“Are you kidnapping me?” he joked, his voice still a bit hoarse from sleep.

 

“A little bit, yes,” she replied and this was the first time Lu Han heard the striking mischievous tone in her voice. “Will you hold my hand and follow me without asking?”

 

Lu Han already had the word yes ready on the tip of his tongue when he heard the words will you hold my hand. Without asking for more, he let her guide him to wherever she was taking him.

 

Lu Han noticed that he was outside when the breeze of cold air hit him hard on the face. That was when he began to panic. “H-hey, are we outside? Why are we outside? Cara, why are we—”

 

“Sssh,” Cara softly calmed him down. She took both of his hands in hers and squeezed them tightly. “Do you feel that?” she asked.

 

Lu Han had a frown breaking on his face. “W-what, your hand?”

 

“No. Warmth.” She corrected him, running her thumbs against his palms as she held their hands together. Lu Han’s sense of touch was heightened considering he couldn’t see. It was so soft, the way she held his hands. He wondered if it felt that way whenever he touched hers. “You’re not alone, Lu Han,” she said, smiling at him though Lu Han couldn’t witness the beauty of it. “I’m with you.”

 

He was about to ask a question when he felt ice touching the place where she held him earlier. He almost pulled his hands away from her grip in reflex but she held them together. “Cara, what—”

 

“I know it’s cold,” she said, her voice sounding motherly to his ears. “But try to feel past through it.”

 

Lu Han couldn’t focus. He knew it was ice—he could remember every bit of the pain he felt that day when he was drowning in the frozen lake. He suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe because the air he carried into his lungs smelled like frost and it was sickening. “Cara—I don’t want to—”

 

She covered the back of his hands with hers and ran her thumbs along the insides of his palms once again. His hands were still wet with ice, from the snow she poured to his palms, but beneath that, he could feel her fingers, tracing his skin, painting it with faint warmth that essentially belonged to her.

 

He began to relax, letting out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. Warmth, he noticed, was never gone when she was with him.

 

“See?” Cara asked and Lu Han could practically see the smile breaking upon her lips even when he was still blindfolded. “It’s not so bad, is it?”

 

“I-it’s…” Lu Han swallowed, attempting to smile. “It’s just ice…”

 

“Exactly,” she said and laced their fingers together. The ice melted with the heat of their palms. “And now it’s just water. It won’t be able to hurt you.”

 

Lu Han breathed out heavily. “It did hurt me back at the lake.”

 

She smiled when he pouted like a child. “Well, I’m not going to let you anywhere near that so I think we’re going to be fine,” she replied, giving his hands a final squeeze before she let them go.

 

“W-where are you going?” Lu Han immediately asked when he lost her touch.

 

“I’m right here,” she said, laughing lightly. Her voice sounded so beautiful like this, Lu Han thought. “I’m just going to take off your blindfold, okay?”

 

Lu Han nodded a few times and let her do just that. When he got his vision back, it all started a little bit blurry but then he focused his eyes on hers and she was so amazingly beautiful, covered in plain white lace dress he once bought for her with sheer full sleeves covering her skin. A long white carpet of snow was spreading under her feet and for the first time, Lu Han thought that it wasn’t as dreadful as it used to be. Snow was white and pure, innocent just like her. Snow wasn’t a knife disguised as ice—snow was Cara. Soft, beautiful, and harmless. And when she smiled at him, she looked angelic, to be precise. Lu Han wondered if he could call her his personal guardian angel.

 

“W-what?” she asked, still smiling albeit a little awkwardly when Lu Han kept on staring at her with unblinking eyes and parted lips. “Is there something wrong?”

 

Lu Han didn’t answer. He pulled her by the hand, wrapped an arm around her waist, and pressed his lips against hers. No matter how many times he did it, he never kissed her with force. He was always gentle, holding her carefully as if she was easy to bruise. And every kiss tasted like an oath—a promise to keep her safe, a promise to treat her with care, a promise to make her happy for the rest of his life.

 

When Lu Han let her go, her cheeks were painted red and Lu Han kissed each one to add more color to them. “Thank you,” Lu Han whispered, kissing her nose before he threw her a smile that made his eyes wrinkle in both ends. She laughed quietly, playfully pushing him away before she drew him back and both of them ended up falling to the snow. Lu Han let out a small “oof!” while Cara was laughing her heart out.

 

“Your hair is covered in white,” she said, having a laughing fit which made Lu Han speechless because she’d never looked this happy. Cara was turning every bit of his nightmares into sweet dreams and bad memories were floating away like snow before the spring.

 

Lu Han grabbed her face to plant another kiss to her lips, taking a soft taste of her breath and she giggled before she pushed him away and said, “Want to make snow angels together?”

 

Lu Han almost shook his head because why would he want to? He already found one.

 

***

 

“Sehun,” His father calls, opening the door to his room only for a few inches so he can peek his head in without disturbing his son’s privacy. “Son? Are you awake?”

 

Sehun lifts his head up from the comic book he’s been reading. It’s been more than a week since he came back from the hospital but he still feels quite as awful as he was back then. Lu Han and Cara keep on visiting him once every three days, and Jongdae always moonwalks to his room almost everyday after his last session in college ends. People have been cheering him up without bringing the topic of his deceased mother to the surface and that’s good. That’s making him feel better.

 

Except not really because Sehun can still feel it—that feeling of withering away. Of being lost. Of being alone.

 

Every time Sehun steps down from his bed, excuses himself from his room, and goes downstairs where his parents use to watch TV together, he sees it. Every single part of his mother that she left behind after her death. Her photos are glued in different frames; her favorite cushion is left untouched on the couch; the Baby’s Breath flower she used to water still stands there beside the window. Even her scent still lingers around the house. Sehun can’t stand any of it.

 

So he seals himself in his room—the only place that doesn’t smell like her because in the last year of her life, she’d been despising him so much. She didn’t know his identity. She couldn’t tell her own son and Sehun let her behave like that because he didn’t want to hurt her more. She never entered his room again because Sehun always kept it locked. He didn’t want her to freak out when she found a stranger living in her house. It was better that way.

 

No, Sehun thinks, sighing, it never got any better. Especially when she got transferred into the hospital because her condition had gotten worse. She was going insane. Everyday she kept on searching for her child, screaming “Where’s my son? Where’s my son? I want to see my son!” to everyone near her when Sehun was there, standing right beside her with his fingernails sinking into the skin of his palm and a pair of defeated eyes staring back at her in agony. And every time he said, “Mom, I’m here. It’s me, Sehun,” she got upset and slapped him, pushed him away and yelled at him, “Liar! You are not my son! I want my son—give me my son!”

 

According to Sehun, his mother didn’t pass away two weeks ago. It was last year, on his anniversary day with his girlfriend—the one he chose over his mother when the accident happened.

 

If only they weren’t together. If only he wasn’t there to meet his girlfriend and picked his mother on time. If only he’d never left.

 

“Sehun?” Mr. Oh calls again, walking closer and shaking Sehun awake by the shoulders when his son started to drift away again. “Son, are you okay?”

 

 “Yeah,” he says, sitting up on his bed and presses his back to his headboard. His throat feels dry when he speaks. “What is it, dad?”

 

His father still looks at him in concern but answers without too much hesitation. “There’s someone here who wants to see you.”

 

Sehun freezes and his father can see a tint of panic rising in his face before Sehun quickly puts his mask on and speaks in that cold voice of his again. “Tell her I don’t want to see her right now.”

 

“But Sehun, you can’t keep—”

 

“Dad, I’ve told you, I don’t want to—”

 

“Sehun,” a feminine voice comes to his hearing and Sehun immediately fixes his gaze to the door. His girlfriend is there, standing next to his father with her striking blue eyes almost watery. Her fingers are intertwined tightly to one another, as if they were desperately seeking for comfort and reassurance. “Can we—can we talk?”

 

Sehun is still dumbstruck with the sight of her and how hurt she looks right there. She seems tired, lost, and perhaps almost as broken as he is. He detests himself for making her feel that way but he can’t help it. He doesn’t know what to do.

 

“I’ll… I’ll be downstairs if you guys need anything,” Mr. Oh says, knowing that he should leave and give them some privacy. He even closes the door despite the fact that he used to be the one who kept telling them to keep the door open whenever they were in Sehun’s room together.

 

With the dull sound of the door being closed ringing through the room, she begins to nibble on her lower lip and manages to exchange stares with the pale boy for a second before Sehun breaks their eye contact again. That hurts and it renders her speechless for a moment, trying to gather back the courage she once had when she first stepped inside his room earlier.

 

She wets her lower lip nervously. “S-Sehun, I—”

 

“You shouldn’t be here,” he quickly cuts her off. “You made a wrong choice. I want you to go.”

 

Every word inflicts pain to her mind but she keeps going. She’s already here, standing in front of him. She can’t back out now.

 

“I…” She starts and she sounds too breathlessly, so she clears and tries again. “I—I understand that you don’t want to see me right now—”

 

“Then why are you here?” Sehun says before he can think his words through. His tone is sharp and heartless, tearing more scars not only to her heart but his as well.

 

“Sehun, you know we can’t be like this forever,” she says, almost breaking into whispers. “It’s been more than a week and I want to see you—”

 

“Well, I don’t,” he coldly cuts her off, “I want you to leave.”

 

That look—that wounded look appears again on her face and God, Sehun just feels a thousand times worse. Why is he being like this? Why can’t he just tell the truth and apologize for what he’s done? Why can’t he just say that he’s ashamed of what he’s done to her and that he’s too cowardly to face her now? Why can’t he just say so?

 

“Sehun, I—” She tries desperately, growing more and more in panic and frustration. “I don’t know what’s wrong with us—”

 

“There’s nothing wrong,” he immediately says. Not us. Only me. “I just don’t want to see you right now.”

 

She nibbles on her lip, her hands curling into tiny fists until her nails grow white. “Sehun…” The tremble in her voice is evident. “Whatever it is I’ve done, I’m sorry—”

 

“It’s not your fault!” Sehun yells but not out of anger. She just needs to stop apologizing because this is entirely his mistake. He screws up and he has no idea how to fix this when he keeps on remembering how much he hurt her that night. He just shouted to silence her because if he hears one more word from in that trembling voice of hers, he knows he won’t be able to forgive himself. “It’s not…” He lets out a heavy breath. “It’s not your fault, Noona, so can you please just go?”

 

“But why?!” Her voice begins to rise as well; her usual cold demeanor breaks into pieces that can never be reformed. “Why do you keep avoiding me? Why do you hate me so much—”

 

“I don’t hate you,” Sehun says, hearing his voice breaking at the end. There’s no way I can ever hate you.

 

“Then look at me!” Her sudden scream is deafening. It sounds like someone just breaks glasses against the floor, loud and startling. When Sehun finally connects his gaze with hers, his breathing catches in his throat. She’s crying, breaking apart like a child with fear and pain in her eyes. Sehun has only seen her like this once. It was that time when she got locked in her campus’ bathroom. That time he was there to ease her pain. This time, he’s the one who inflicted it.

 

“Sehun, please…” She sobs, quietly but heartbreaking enough to last in his dreams. Embarrassed that she got her emotions out of control, she buries her face in her hands, whimpering softly. “I don’t know what to do. Please just talk to me…”

 

Sehun stares at her fragile figure with his heart beating fast. It’s all based on impulse when he crawls down the bed and walks to her spot. With gentle arms, Sehun brings her into his embrace, his fingers slipping between her wavy strands. “What am I doing?” Sehun whispers to himself as he hugs her. “I keep hurting you more and more. I’m sorry…”

 

With those words, she crumbles and cries a little harder, sobbing to his chest. Sehun hugs her tighter, feeling her shoulders shake underneath his arms and he thinks he deserves to be slapped a thousand times for hurting the girl he should’ve treasured the most.

 

“I… I didn’t mean to hurt you…” Sehun finally gives in, being honest for the first time. “I just thought that I’m not being myself right now and I d-don’t want to hurt you like I did that day… Noona, I’m so sorry…”

 

“You’re an idiot,” she says, punching him softly on his chest before she quickly embraces him again. “You’re a big, big idiot, Oh Sehun. You shouldn’t have dragged yourself away from me like this… It’s not fair…”

 

“I know,” Sehun says, breaking away just for a few seconds so he can lay a kiss on her forehead. “I know, I’m sorry…”

 

“It pained me to see you hurting so much while I just stood there and did nothing,” she speaks between sobs. “Why can’t you just let me help you?”

 

“It’s enough for me, Noona.” His lips are still grazing her skin as he speaks. “You don’t have to do anything for me, I… I just can’t forgive myself for pushing you that night—”

 

She quickly shakes her head. “You were drunk—you shouldn’t apologize—”

 

“I was but that doesn’t make it okay that I pushed you,” he states, his eyebrows tangled together in suppressed anger he feels not for anyone but himself. “I hurt you, Noona—”

 

“Do you think you’re not hurting me now by avoiding me?” She asks back, pulling herself away from him. She’s pained and upset, glaring at him with red, watery eyes. “You’re so stupid! This feels much worse—”

 

“But—”

 

She grabs him by the collar, pulling his face down with such force and meets his lips halfway. The kiss ends so quickly that Sehun doesn’t even have the chance to close his eyes and sinks into the kiss.

 

“No more avoiding me, Oh Sehun,” she chastises, her lips a breath away from his. “No more pushing me away, I can’t afford it anymore. I can’t lose you.”

 

I can’t lose you too. I don’t ever want to.

 

So Sehun lets her kiss him again, gentler, slower, with lips softer than the clouds. When she lets go, she keeps him close, pressing their temples together. “No matter how hard it is,” she breathes, “No matter what it is you’re facing, you’ll always have me. We’ll get through this together.”

 

Sehun isn’t used to see her behaving like this—desperate, dependent and filled with emotions. She used to wear a mask around her face. Every move she did used to be so calm and calculated but now she’s just bursting out like a firework. It’s really something to see her this way and Sehun thinks he adores her even more.

 

“I’m in love with you, Oh Sehun,” she says, blinking the tears away from her eyes. “And if you won’t let me be there to help you at your worst then—”

 

“It’s okay, I love you too,” he quickly says, about to break apart again not in agony but in a relieved joy. He closes his eyes, pressing his lips against his hair. “I love you so much, Noona…”

 

She’s so small but her presence is huge. She’s like the sun and Sehun is just the moon, willing to die every night just to let her shine again. Her existence, just her being this close to him, provides him safety that no one else can offer. No one except his mother.

 

And him being with her was the reason why his mother was caught in an accident.

 

Him spending the night with her was the reason his mother was dying.

 

He was the first cause why his mother is no longer with him now.

 

He can’t do this.

 

“I can’t…” Sehun whispers against her lips. His emotions are bubbling up in his chest and it feels like he’s falling when he’s actually standing still. The pace of his breathing increases and the world is suddenly spinning underneath his feet. His eyes are still closed and yet he can feel tears flowing down his cheeks. “I can’t—Noona, I can’t, I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore…”

 

“Sehun…?” She asks, pulling away with a frown and panic begins to rise up to when she notices Sehun’s shoulders shaking. “Hey, what is it—”

 

Sehun brings his head down and presses his temple against her shoulder. He starts to sob quietly and yet the sound is enough to tear her heart apart. “Sehun, what’s wrong?” She asks, embracing him with her warmth and running her hands up and down his back in soothing manners. “Hey, calm down… Talk to me…”

 

Sehun can’t say anything because all he can do is just burst into tears right now. The memories of his mother. The accident that happened to her because he didn’t pick her up like how he promised her. The misfortune that befallen her because instead of taking her call, Sehun was busy indulging himself with his girlfriend that night.

 

Everything happened because of him.

 

Sehun holds his girlfriend close to his chest. “Noona…” I don’t want to lose you. “I can’t do this…” You’re everything to me now but this guilt... “I don’t think we can be together anymore…” I’m sorry. I love you. I think I even love you more than I can ever love myself.

 

But it’s over.

 

This is the end of us.

 

“Sehun…?” Her voice becomes so quiet. She pulls away from his hug, staring at him with wide eyes anticipating him to tell her that it’s not true. “W-what are you saying?”

 

Sehun pries his hands away, taking a step back from her and finally looks at her in the eyes. His vision is still blurry from the hot tears that keep on forming because the pain…

 

It doesn’t stop.

 

“This is the end of us,” he says with a voice filled with regret.

 

Her eyes grow wide. With parted lips, she whispers, “­What…?”

 

Sehun opens his mouth but it takes two seconds more for him to find the ability to speak. With more resolve in his voice, his gaze steadily starts to change into a colder one—almost emotionless. A mask, he once learned from her.

 

“I’m breaking up with you.”

 

***

ALOHA AMIGO!

Ahahaha...haha...ha, I am going to get killed, I just know, WHOOP WHOOPS SORRY ABOUT THAT GUYS

So yeah, I know you all want me to update The Marriage Life of Mr. Byun and yes, my queens and kings, your humble servant is now on her way to write it down, please be more patient...

You know, there's something I have to say.

I know I've been such a complete for not replying to your comments one by one but please guys, I need you to believe me that I read every single one of it. Everytime I log in to AFF, that's the first thing I always do. And everytime I see someone left a long comment down there I just feel like I want to go up to my roof and scream all my sarang to all of you because WOW I just feel so appreciated you know? Writing isn't an easy thing for me to do, considering I'm not a writer and I never learned to be one. So what I want to say is that, your comments keep me alive. I need your feedback because in some ways, it inspires me to write more. You guys always have some brlliant ideas and by reading your comments, I can tell what kind of scene you want to witness happening in my story. So don't ever say things like "Authornim, do you even read our comments?".  Yes, of course! I did read all of them. And guess what? I'm so freaking happy because of it! Like, if I could kiss everyone of you I would do it right away okay? So I'm sorry if I can't reply you one by one but please know that I'm forever grateful! <3333333 xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

 

oh right, if it's not too much to ask, please check out my other Sehun's story :D Just click here if you want!