IRRATIONALITY

 

Lu Han has never been this close to the taste of death on his tongue.

 

He almost died once. Back then, when he was still an innocent child, he ran and played on a thin layer of ice. He didn’t know that he was standing on a frozen lake. He was too little too understand that he was standing right on the edge of the valley of death. With a fresh mischievous laughter, Lu Han jumped and the ice broke apart. The little boy fell into the bottomless pit, filled with nothing but deadly cold water.

 

The pain was excruciating. The water was so cold, it didn’t even let him breathe—let alone to scream for help. Everything that happened at that moment is a blur to him now, but the pain? He still could remember it well. Every detail of it. It was like thousands of knives, trying to rip his skin open. It was like a javelin, trying to find its way to his heart, kneading through his ribcages, prickling his blood with something that felt like fire but also ice frozen. Lu Han could hear himself screaming, but he could only tell the sound coming from his mind and not his mouth. He was drowning for no longer than two minutes, but the trauma of that incident left him scarred for years.

 

Lu Han has never been fond with snow since then. Although it’s white and innocent, Lu Han hates it to death. He can stand the skin-burning heat of the summer. He can still breathe under the windy storm. But when the ice falls from the sky, Lu Han feels as if the Grim Reaper is reaching close to him once again, wanting to send him a heartless smile and a greeting—perhaps saying that He will take Lu Han back someday and when the day comes, there will be no heat to warm his soul.

 

Twenty years after the incident, Lu Han tastes death once more. But this time, it’s different. It’s not him who’s dying this time. It’s her, but it feels just the same.

 

Because when your heart only lives for her, what will you do when her heart stops beating?

 

Lu Han can’t hear himself, can’t notice how he keeps screaming her name in panic and fear because he’s scared to the bones. It’s like he can’t even think or control his body anymore, he just moves by instinct. Everything seems worse this time, because even though The Grim Reaper isn’t there to take his life, Lu Han can tell He’s about to take his will to live. And isn’t that just the same?

 

Lu Han kneels beside the bathtub, taking her with one arm under her head and another under her knees. He doesn’t care about how drenched he’s going to be when he picks her up out of the bathtub. Splashes of red water falls to the cold floor as he lifts her body and hugs her to his chest. He sits on the frozen tiles with her dying on his lap and Lu Han has to remind himself to keep breathing. His shirt gets soaked in a matter of seconds, and he notices how cold it is when it’s pressed to his chest, but Cara’s limp body is even colder.

 

Lu Han chokes on his breath when he notices the blood is flowing non-stop from her left wrist.

 

He panics and he stutters when he calls her name over and over again. He checks on her breathing, and maybe she still is, but Lu Han can hardly make sure of it. He places his fingertips along the veins coursing under the skin of her neck, trying to find her pulse. It’s there, but it’s weak and Lu Han doesn’t feel any better. His body is shivering furiously and all kinds of rational thinking just go straight out of his head. He manages to grab the nearest white, clean towel next to him just so he can warm her up. He wraps his fingers around her bleeding wrist, pressing tentatively against it.

 

“Stop,” he sounds like he’s suffocating. “Make it stop.”

 

He doesn’t know to whom he’s talking to because there are only two people in the room and he knows that well. Him, and the love of his life that is struggling to seal a proper deal with death.

 

Lu Han fumbles around to find his phone in his pocket and the moment he reaches it, he dials the emergency number.

 

“H-help!” Lu Han shrieks when the line is connected. “I need—she’s—please help—”

 

“Sir,” the operator responds formally, “I need you to calm down and explain—”

 

“I have a girl dying in my arms!” Lu Han screams and right then he notices that he is freaking out beyond control. “Please help! I—I don’t think she’s breathing—I need an ambulance. Hurry!”

 

“Could you give us your location?”

 

Lu Han stammers hard and his teeth are clattering when he speaks, but thankfully he can get the message clear enough for the other person to understand.

 

“We will be there as soon as possible, Sir.”

 

And even when the line gets disconnected from the other side, Lu Han keeps whimpering, “Please. Please help her,” to the phone as he hugs her tighter to his chest.

 

“Cara…” When he lifts one hand to push her hair away from her face, he notices that he is crying. After all of those years, successfully trying to bottle up his emotions inside, Lu Han breaks out into a long, agonizing cry. He sobs, and weeps, and presses his temple against her as tears keep streaming down his face.

 

He doesn’t remember how much it hurts to cry.

 

“I can’t lose you,” he sobs, tightening his grip on her hand. “Don’t make me lose you, Cara. Not again.”

 

I beg you.

 

Don’t leave me.

 

***

 

“Lu Han….”

 

He opens his eyes to the soothing voice that’s been calling his name. When he stares at the figure with open eyes, he can see the wingless Angel smiling at him with her hand reaching out to him. But when he closes his eyelids, he hears this nauseating scream, making his stomach lurch up to the sound as fear creeps up his back. And then he opens his eyes again, and her scream just stops, being replaced by the gentle smile once more.

 

Lu Han can’t decide which one is the reality: The tender smile or the agonizing scream.

 

And when his vision starts to blur, the white dress she’s wearing becomes tainted with red. Lu Han can hear himself screaming, “Make it stop! Make it stop!” but it never does. It only stops when the dark shade of red reaches her face, matching the color of bloody tears that are streaming down her face. And then, before he can do anything about it, she crumbles into ashes. A pile of dust that’s just as red as blood, and just as painful as knives meeting skin.

 

“Hyung.”

 

Lu Han wakes up with a hand on his shoulder, and when he sits straight on his seat, he sees Oh Sehun standing before him.

 

The boy looks awful, and Lu Han wants to laugh because he’s probably not in the position to criticize somebody’s appearance. Sehun’s hair is a mess and his lips are dry and chapped, perhaps even a bit blue but his cheeks and nose are slightly red from the cold. He’s still wearing the same navy blue sweater he was wearing this morning when he left Lu Han’s apartment, but this time he looks more… lifeless. His left hand looks pale as he clutches his school bag to his body, slinging feebly on his left shoulder. His droopy eyes are slightly red and puffy as if he’s been crying, but then again, is there any reason for him to cry?

 

“Hyung, how are you?”

 

Dreadful.

 

“I was worried about you, Hyung. But I’m glad you’re okay.”

 

Lu Han isn’t okay. He’s dying inside.

 

“I’m sorry I ignored your calls. I was… busy.”

 

Ignored?

 

Lu Han’s eyes meet Sehun’s eerie black orbs but the older one doesn’t look directly straight at him. Lu Han’s eyes are empty and as dark as the night.

 

Sehun takes a cautious step back when he sees those eyes. “A-are you okay, Hyung?”

 

Lu Han’s mind is filled with thoughts he doesn’t want to hear.

 

Sehun hates Cara, doesn’t he?

 

Maybe that’s why he doesn’t show up on his apartment to take care of her. Maybe that’s the reason why he didn’t answer his call or return his text. Maybe this is all his fault.

 

This is all Sehun’s fault.

 

“You!” Lu Han has his both hands on Sehun’s collar, slamming the boy to the wall even before the younger one can say anything. The empty corridor of the hospital makes the sound of Sehun’s skull meeting the hard surface even louder than it should have. “This is all your fault!”

 

“Hyung, what—?!” Sehun’s line is ended with a choked gasp when Lu Han presses one palm against his Adam’s apple. He goes limp under the elder’s hand and watches him with half-lidded eyes, gasping in need of air. “H-Hyung—”

 

“Shut up,” Lu Han growls, baring his teeth. “Cara is dying because of you!”

 

“What—” Sehun is interrupted with another painful gasp and he starts coughing. “W-what are you talking about—”

 

“You should’ve been there! You should’ve watched over her, Sehun!” Lu Han is losing himself. He can’t hear nor see clearly. He can’t think straight—he’s just too blinded over fear, rage, and anxiety. He just needs somebody to take away all the pain he’s feeling and Sehun’s just there by coincidence.

 

Sehun clutches one hand desperately around Lu Han’s wrist, trying to force him to release his grip around his neck but it’s no easy task to do when your lungs are lacking of air. “H-hyung, you’re hurting me—”

 

“You left her alone!” Lu Han finally lets go of his grip with a shove hard enough to make the younger one stumble down to the ground. Kneeling on the floor, Sehun gasps and presses his fingers around his neck to reduce the pain from the earlier pressure. He’s too busy coughing and wheezing for more air to ask Lu Han what’s going on.

 

“Where the have you been, Sehun?!” Lu Han is screaming, even though the clock on the end of the corridor shows that it’s two in the morning. “I told you to go watch her while I was away and what did you do, huh? You ing ignored my calls and left her alone! If you had at least text me back and told me that you couldn’t be there, I wouldn’t have left her by herself! Damn it, Sehun, you ruined everything!”

 

There are so many things Sehun wants to shout back. He wants to state how Lu Han is being irrationally selfish. How Lu Han can’t be blaming him like this because he has his own life to take care about first. How Lu Han is being stupid and crazy enough to blame all of this to the guy who barely knows anything about the situation.

 

But Sehun keeps his mouth shut because he notices that Lu Han isn’t angry with him. He’s just scared. And Sehun knows how much fear can affect someone’s behavior and their ways of thinking. When you’re scared, you try to find anything to erase that horrible feeling away. Sometimes you try to run from it and sometimes you blame someone for it. Sehun once stole some money from his father, but because he was so scared of getting caught, he told him that one of the workers stole it from him. Sehun remembered how his father only smiled and patted his head before he left, but Sehun felt the kind of guilt he couldn’t erase in his chest. Later that day, he brought the money back and told his father the truth. Sehun learned something that day: the feeling of being guilty over something is even more frightening than his own fear.

 

Somehow, Sehun could feel that Lu Han is behaving just like he was back then. And Sehun knows well that what Lu Han needs is time until he gets his common sense back.

 

The question is, how long will he get there?

 

Without saying much, Sehun looks up at him and weakly mumbles, “Hyung, I’m sorry—”

 

“You’re sorry?!”  Lu Han shouts, going down to one knee in front of him as he grabs the top of his shirt again. “I’ve had enough of you and your childish acts, you ing bastard! Couldn’t you just be there and for once in your life, do something to help me?! And now you think you can just say sorry and everything will be fine?!” He drags Sehun by his collar until they’re both standing on their feet, and he pushes Sehun away from him with a harsh shove.

 

“Go!” Lu Han yells again, teeth clattering in uncontained anger. “Go away and don’t ever come near me again!”

 

Sehun’s mouth parts in horror. “But—H-Hyung, I—”

 

“LEAVE!”

 

Sehun takes a step back in fear because he has never ever seen Lu Han this angry and this violent with him before. The boy still doesn’t know a thing about what just happened. About an hour ago, Sehun went to Lu Han’s apartment to check up on him, feeling rather guilty for ignoring his text messages and rejecting his calls. He found out that the place was empty and that the bathroom was smeared with blood on the floor, with dark red water in the bathtub. Sehun discovered Lu Han’s iPhone lying on the damp tiles, and he tried to find more information there. He found out that the last numbers Lu Han contacted was the hospital’s and that was how he got here.

 

Sehun didn’t know that Cara was dying until he had his body pinned against the wall with Lu Han trying to break his neck with his palm. He still has a lot of questions in his mind but the boy backs away and decides to leave him alone when Lu Han falls back to his seat and cries to his own hand.

 

The first time Sehun sees him crying, he doesn’t know what the cause of those tears and whether those are the tears of anger and frustration, or sadness and desperation.

 

“Take…” Sehun breathes shakily. “Take care of yourself, Hyung.”

 

Sehun leaves with a broken heart and a clouded mind, but not with hatred. Just the familiar pain in his chest. It’s good that he’s grown accustomed to it.

 

***

 

“Lu Han-sshi?” The doctor asks the moment she gets out of Cara’s personal patient room. Her brown eyes are weary and tired from all the examinations she’s been going through the entire day, but she still smiles gently when Lu Han stands up from his seat and watches her with concern eyes.

 

“Please tell me she’s alright,” Lu Han begs, biting his lower lip worriedly.

 

“She’s fine,” she says, “She’s resting right now. She has lost a lot of blood, but luckily we still have enough amount of blood in our blood banks that fits her blood type. With enough of rest and healthy food, she’ll be fine in no time.”

 

“Oh thank God,” Lu Han says as he feels his knees grow weak without strength, so he sits back and places a hand on his chest. “Thank you, Doctor. Really.”

 

“It’s fine, but…” She hesitates for a bit before she speaks again. “That’s not the real problem with her, right? She has cuts all over her body, Lu Han.”

 

He freezes.

 

“I think you already know that the real pain she is suffering at the moment isn’t the one in her body, but rather in her mind,” she tells again. “Don’t you?”

 

“Yes…” Lu Han weakly nods, staring at his hands on his lap. “I’m still trying to figure out what it is, though. She won’t tell me, no matter what it is.”

 

“Have you thought about hiring a psychiatrist?”

 

“Done that. No progress there too. She just got back from rehabilitation, but she’s still not getting any better.”

 

“Oh…” She mumbles sympathetically. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

 

“It’s… fine.” Lu Han sighs, rubbing his palm against the side of his face before he looks up to her and smiles. “Thank you for everything, Doctor.”

 

“No problem,” she replies, bowing her head politely. “You know maybe we can help you. If you’re interested, we can have a discussion over this later with my friend. He’s also a doctor and he’s more specialized in this area. Thought you should know.”

 

“Of course,” Lu Han utters. “That’d be great. Thank you.”

 

“I will let you know later,” She confirms with a smile. “Make sure you get some rest first, Lu Han-sshi. You look like a walking zombie.”

 

Lu Han throws a small laugh, but it feels so hollow and fake.

 

“You can wait for her inside, if you want,” she tells him as she lays a comforting hand on his shoulder. “There’s a couch in there if you want to take a break too.”

 

“Yes, thank you,” he says, bowing to her. “I’ll do just that.”

 

She smiles again before she leaves. “Good luck, Lu Han-sshi.”

 

Lu Han stares blankly at her back before he turns around and enters Cara’s patient room. The walls are as white as cottons, making the room feel wider that it should have. Cara’s frail body lies on the bed, just underneath the cream-colored duvet and Lu Han’s heart wrenches behind his ribcages as he looks at the paleness of her cheeks. She’s wearing an oxygen mask that fits over her face, and it’s connected to a container of oxygen to help her breathe normally. She’s currently doing blood transfusion; the red liquid flowing from the blood container to the veins underneath the skin on her hand.

 

Lu Han breathes out as he takes a sit beside her, ignoring the long, comfy couch on the other side of the room. He places his hands on the bed; close enough to touch her soft one but he doesn’t allow himself to. For the first few minutes, the only sound that can be heard is the sound of her shallow breathing and Lu Han’s nervous one. And maybe, just maybe, if it gets any quieter than this, Lu Han can hear the sound of his heart breaking. More. And more. And it’ll never stop. Not until it crumbles to ashes, like the wingless Angel in his dream.

 

Lu Han folds his hands together, creating a pillow for his head to rest on. As he presses the skin of his cheek to the back of his hand, Lu Han tries not to think about the doctor’s words.

 

“She has cuts all over her body, Lu Han.”

 

“You think I didn’t know?” Lu Han mumbles to himself, pressing his lips tight together after that so he won’t let out anymore sound.

 

The memory takes place.

 

As he waited for help to come, Lu Han continued hugging her towel-clothed body to his chest. He kept murmuring prayers and soothing whispers beside her ear but he knew she couldn’t hear him. Lu Han’s vision were blurred by his own hot tears, but when he looked down to her bare body, he realized that the slash on her left wrist wasn’t the only cut she had on her white, pale skin.

 

“Cara…” he gasped breathlessly as his eyes traced along the scars. “Oh my God, Cara…”

 

Her whole body was covered with red, angry cuts everywhere. On her hands, her upper arms, all over her back, her shoulders, her chest, her stomach, her thighs—everywhere. Lu Han had never noticed them before because she always wore long sleeves sweaters that always hid her body perfectly behind the thick fabric. But now that she was bare from head to toe, Lu Han could see every red marks written on her skin. She was like a white canvas, being sketched by an angry blind man with red pen.

 

But then he realized that the scars weren’t just random lines meeting each other.

 

The cuts were forming into something. No, Not just something.

 

Letters. Every cut and scars made tiny, little letters on every inch of her body.

 

When he focused his gaze, he could finally make out what it was.

 

Vaguely, he could make out the letters: 내꺼

 

“Mine.”

 

***

 

“Hyung!” Sehun called, whining for the hundredth time that morning. The blonde haired boy was running—or rather, waddling—on his feet, making tapping sounds on the asphalt as he tried to catch up with the Chinese man’s pace. “Hyung, slow down! I can’t keep up!”

 

But Lu Han just ignored him and kept riding his—or to be exact, Sehun’s—bicycle as if he didn’t know that Sehun was practically dying on his feet. “Come on, Sehun-ah. Faster! She’s gonna leave in an hour!”

 

“But—” Sehun gasped, feeling like he was on the brink of the death. “That’s easy…” he inhaled again. “…for…” his feet started to move even slower. “…you to… say…” Sehun finally stopped running and fell dead to the ground.

 

“Ugh, come on,” Lu Han grumbled, twisting his steer to the side and turned around to the boy who had collapsed on his knees with sweaty palms placed firmly on the ground. “Damn it, Sehunnie. It’s just a block away!”

 

Sehun shot him a glare with narrowed eyes, still gasping for his life. “You’re riding…” he tried, coughing in the middle of his sentence. “You’re riding my bike… Hyung. And I’ve been… running behind you—”

 

“Yeah, for like five minutes,” Lu Han cut him off in a mocking tone. “Fine, here. Take the bike. I’ll run.”

 

Sehun was still upset but he looked very grateful so Lu Han climbed down from the saddle and offered him his bike.

 

Even when Sehun is now having the privilege to ride his bike, Lu Han still runs in a faster pace than him.

 

“Seriously, Sehun-ah,” Lu Han says, jogging on his feet. “Less bubble tea and more exercise.”

 

“I don’t like doing exercises,” Sehun replies, grunting. “It’s dumb and it makes my tummy sore in the morning.”

 

Lu Han would’ve rolled his eyes at him if he weren’t too busy being happy at the sight of the small house he’d been eager to visit since this morning.

 

“We’re here!” Lu Han exclaimed, grinning. “This is the place.”

 

“But, Hyung…” Sehun said, looking displeased at the house Lu Han was pointing at. “That’s a foster home.”

 

“Yah, what’s up with the tone? Don’t be such a about it, Sehunnie!” Lu Han scolded, placing a smack at the back of the younger one’s head. “What, did you think I was taking you to a café or something?”

 

“No,” Sehun muttered, pouting. “A bubble tea shop.”

 

This time Lu Han did roll his eyes. “Just shut up and wear these, Maknae.” He rummaged through his backpack, giving him a long dark coat, a pair of shades, and a fedora hat.

 

Sehun frowned at the sight of those items being handed to him. “Err, what should I do with these exactly?”

 

“Wear them and sleep with my sister.”

 

Sehun frowned. “But Hyung, you don’t have a sister.”

 

“Exactly, and that’s why we’re going to disguise ourselves as someone else instead,” Lu Han answered, grinning as he put on a fluffy navy blue scarf around his neck and a cap on his head. While Sehun wore a super manly coat, Lu Han dressed up in a pink, feminine-looking cardigan. “All right, Sehunnie, brace yourself ‘cause this is going to be a little weird. We’re going to play as a married gay couple that wants to adopt kids.”

 

“I BEG YOUR PARDON—”

 

“Ssssh!” Lu Han immediately clamped Sehun’s mouth shut with his palm. The younger one looked like he was about to explode out of embarrassment. “Be quiet, will you? You’re going to get us caught!”

 

“Hyung, are you freaking mental?” Sehun said, eyes wide in disbelief and horror. “You want us to go inside a foster home and tell them that we’re married and we want to adopt a child, is that what you want?”

 

“Yeah, that’s exactly what I said,” Lu Han said, placing the black fedora hat on Sehun’s blonde hair. “Ugh you still look too young to be married.”

 

Sehun glowered. “You don’t say.”

 

“Don’t you get all snappy with me,” Lu Han muttered back, flicking him right on the forehead. “Just shut up and wear the shades.”

 

Sehun was still blushing madly. “I am not going to wear—”

 

But Lu Han was pinching his nose and threatened him to leave him there with no bike if he let out another protest so how could Sehun say no?

 

“Good morning,” Lu Han said in the softest manner he could do the moment the two of them entered the foster home.

 

“Good morning, Sir,” a bright young women with cute ponytails replied him. She was way shorter than Lu Han but her dazzling smile and lively eyes made her presence well known. “How may I help you?”

 

“Yes, I’m planning to adopt a child,” Lu Han said, smiling in the way that made her blush and stutter when she spoke. “Oh, I forgot to introduce myself. How rude of me. My name is Joonyoung,” he offered her a hand and she took it with a nervous hand. He found her to be cute when she introduced her name. Lu Han showed his crooked teeth in a boyish grin as he grabbed Sehun’s arm and brought him closer to his body. “Oh and this is my husband, Soojin.”

 

Sehun was flabbergasted and Lu Han had to elbow the poor boy to bring him back to life. “Y-yes,” Sehun croaked, blushing furiously. “I—I’m his, uhh, h-husband.”

 

Lu Han threw his head back and laughed, poking Sehun on the cheek. “You have to excuse him for a bit,” he said to the staff, “Soojin is still so shy about everything. I mean we just got married a month ago and he’s still not used to calling me his husband.”

 

“Aren’t you guys…” the girl started speaking awkwardly. “Aren’t you guys too young to be married?”

 

“Too young?” Lu Han blurted out, gasping dramatically. “But honey, I’m twenty-five. And although he doesn’t look like it, Soojin is actually one year older than me.”

 

“Oh!” She clasped a hand over . “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean—It’s just you guys look so young. I mean, Soojin-sshi, you look like you’re barely twenty!”

 

Sehun opened his mouth to respond but Lu Han was faster.

 

“Oh, darling, let me tell you a secret,” the Chinese man said, leaning to whisper something to her ear. “You’ll know how old Soojin truly is when you see him in bed. I mean, whoa, do you know the things he does with me in bed? Man, he has so many experiences I don’t even know where to start. My is still burning from last night, you know what I mean?”

 

She went flustered, gulping hard as she brought her head down to look at anything other than Lu Han’s or Sehun’s face. “Umm—y-you said you wanted to take a look around to see the kids? R-right this way, Sir.”

 

She scurried away, running on her little feet towards one of the blue painted doors.

 

Sehun frowned and asked his Hyung, “What did you tell her?”

 

“Adult stuff which involves my and your ,” Lu Han casually answered and Sehun looked like he was about to faint from the horror. “Now come on, Sehunnie. Let’s go check out some chicks while we pretend to be gay.” Lu Han thought again. “Huh, that’s a line I never thought I would say.”

 

With Sehun’s hand on his, Lu Han moved forward, following the girl who was showing them a little tour around the place. The foster house wasn’t big, but it was beautiful. There were kids drawings plastered all over the wall, and Lu Han was smiling as he admired the cute doodles. There were some drawings of rainbows and the sun, unicorns, and Lu Han’s favorite one, a drawing of cute little kids playing soccer on the field.

 

“And this is the main room where we let the kids play around and meet their visitors,” the female staff explained. “You’re welcome to talk and play along with them. I have to take care of some papers for other families, so I’m sorry but I have to end our little tour here. If there’s anything you and your…” She was still too shy to speak the word comfortably. “…husband want to ask, I—I’ll be glad to help. Just meet me on the front office.”

 

“Okay, mademoiselle,” Lu Han said, winking at her and she went red once again before she stumbled on her feet and ran away from his sight.

 

“Hyung,” Sehun said, whispering to him. “I don’t think you should be flirting with her. We’re supposed to be gay, remember?”

 

“What, gay guys can’t wink?” Lu Han scoffed. “Whatever. Now help me find my favorite algebra girl.”

 

Sehun huffed disapprovingly but he obeyed his order.

 

There were some children running around playing hide and seek around him, and Lu Han laughed when a little girl with ponytails ran toward him. She bumped him right on the legs and almost stumbled to the marbled floor if Lu Han didn’t manage to catch her on time. His cap dropped to the floor after the sudden movement, but the child was safe and sound in his arms.

 

“Careful there, little bunny,” Lu Han said, kneeling down and held her around the waist so she wouldn’t fall. “Are you okay?”

 

She blinked her big round eyes a couple of times before she nodded. She was entranced with the sight of Lu Han’s glorious pink hair.

 

“Mister?” she asked, pointing her finger toward the strands of his hair. “There’s cotton candy on your hair.”

 

Lu Han only laughed and patted her on the head before he let her go. “That’s my hair you’re talking about, cutie-pie.”

 

“Why is it pink?” she asked again, reaching up to touch his hair and Lu Han let her with a gentle smile.

 

“Because it’s more fabulous that way,” he responded, tickling the little girl on the stomach and she giggled in his arms. “Hey, kiddo. Do you want to help Mr. Fabulous here?”

 

“Yes, yes,” she said, and Lu Han grinned.

 

“Have you seen a girl, probably a little younger than I am, long brown hair, bright brown eyes, perhaps wearing a blue cardigan?” Lu Han asked and the little girl frowned in confusion. “She likes to bite her pen.”

 

“Oh!” The little girl jumped with a wide grin. “The pretty lady who reads books to us every weekend?”

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Lu Han said, mirroring her excitement.

 

“Oh I know her!” She took a hold of Lu Han’s hand with her cute little fingers and dragged him along. “Follow me, Mister! She’s over here!”

 

“Sehun-ah, come on!” Lu Han said, grabbing Sehun’s hand too but the younger boy followed him with a pout and angry eyebrows.

 

Lu Han followed the little girl until they went inside a small room surrounded by wooden bookshelves and children books. Lu Han immediately fixed his scarf so it’d cover half of his face and make him unnoticeable. Burying his nose behind the fabric, he followed the direction the little girl was pointing at and found the one he had been looking for.

 

Cara was sitting on the thick, light blue carpet at the corner of the room. Her eyes were locked on the letters that were written on the children book she was holding on her lap. She was reading a story to the bunch of kids that were sitting in a circle around her and Lu Han’s heart warmed under the soothing tone of her voice.

 

“Don’t tell her I’m here,” Lu Han said to the little girl. She knitted her eyebrows in confusion but she nodded anyway. Then she strolled away, trying to find a proper spot to sit on and listen to the beautiful storyteller reenacting the story.

 

“And Little Red Riding Hood said,” Cara stopped to clear and raised her head to face the kids, “’Oh Grandmother,” she acted the line with a high pitched voice, “’What big arms you have!’” Then she changed her expression, imitating an old lady, “’All the better to hug you with, my dear.’” At the end of her line, she tightly hugged a little girl who had freckles on her nose. She squeezed her and the child laughed in her arms.

 

Lu Han stifled a laugh and hid himself behind one of the bookshelves. Sehun followed his move without being ordered, although he looked like he was ready to kick someone in the nuts with every passing second.

 

“Hyung, I’m hungry.”

 

“Shush, Sehunnie.”

 

A little girl from the group joined in the act and raised her hand so Cara would notice her. “’Grandmother,” she called, “What big ears you have!’”

 

Cara smiled and tucked her hair behind her ears so the children could see them. “’All the better to hear with, my dear!’”

 

The other children laughed because they knew that the Grandmother was actually the Wolf.

 

A boy then shouted, “’Grandmother, what big eyes you have!’”

 

Cara looked happy seeing how enthusiastic the kids were with her story. Her eyes were sparkling and Lu Han’s heart flipped at the sight. She opened her eyes wide, saying “’All the better to see with, my dear!’” and exaggerating her words by leaning her face so close to the little boy’s until he was giggling on the floor.

 

“But Grandmother!” The girl—the one who was bringing Lu Han and Sehun here—joined in. “’What big teeth you have got!’”

 

Cara smiled mischievously before she crouched down with her palms and knees on the carpet. She bared her teeth and tried to look as wild as she could when she shouted, “’All the better to EAT you up with, my dear!’”

 

Then she ‘attacked’ the children, crawling to where they were sitting until they were laughing and scrambled all over the place. She caught a boy with a curly hair—who was probably not older than four years old—and she tickled his stomach. The little boy was laughing and gasping and shouting, “’Bad wolf, stop! Stop!’” and when she had enough, Cara kissed the top of his head and let him go but the boy settled in her embrace more with an everlasting laugh.

 

The kids immediately went to her again, jumping into her arms and suddenly she was surrounded by them in a big group hug. “Guys, guys!” Cara said, laughing until her eyes turn into this beautiful pair of crescent moon. “I can’t breathe. You’re squeezing me!”

 

“Read another story for us, auntie!” one of the kids said, snuggling closer until he was seated on her lap. Cara grinned and playfully flicked his nose. “Don’t call me auntie,” she said, “I’m not that old. But okay, what do you want me to read next?”

 

“Aladdin!”

 

“Peter Pan!”

 

“Pinocchio!”

 

The children kept shouting numerous names of the books they wanted her to read and Lu Han stared fondly at the sight of her smiling and holding those kids in her arms. It was until Sehun snapped his fingers in front of him that Lu Han finally could blink away.

 

“We should go, Hyung. I’m starving~” Sehun said, whining in the way that was more childish than that group of children.

 

“But I want to stay for another story, Sehun-ah,” Lu Han said, already busy looking at Cara again. “Look at her, Sehunnie. Look at the way she glows. She’s like… sparkling over there.”

 

“And you’re being extra gross over here,” Sehun muttered bitterly. “Congrats, Hyung. You’re officially a stalker now. I’m just this close to calling the police.”

 

“Wha—” Lu Han blushed and threw a disapproving look at Sehun’s direction. “I am not a stalker! I’m a lover, yes, but definitely not a stalker.”

 

“You’re a .”

 

“Respect your elders, Sehun-ah.”

 

“Let’s go,” Sehun said, already claiming Lu Han’s hand and dragged him toward the exit door. Lu Han struggled to release his hand away from his grip for a few seconds but then decided to let Sehun have his way. It was rude of him anyway to suddenly drag Sehun here, and the brat was nice enough to keep his mouth shut for 80% of the time here.

 

It was rather unfortunate (or fortunate?) for Lu Han that he didn’t manage to catch a final glimpse of her, because if he did, he would’ve noticed the way Cara glanced at him and smiled softly at his presence.

 

***

 

“Lu Han…”

 

He remembers her voice.

 

“Lu Han, wake up…”

 

He loves her voice.

 

“Lu Han…”

 

The way she calls his name.

 

“Lu Han…”

 

The way she touches his hair, so gently and warm, just like this.

 

Lu Han takes her hand in his, pressing it against his cheek. He doesn’t dare to open his eyes; he never wants to be woken up from this dream. Because this is his only chance to be able to stay this close to her. To be able to hold her hand. To be able to feel her skin grazing his. To be able to hear her whispers, and not screams or shouts of rejection.

 

Lu Han misses her.

 

“Cara…” He mumbles unconsciously, intertwining his fingers with her. “Stay with me.”

 

It’s until Lu Han feels that everything seems to be too real to be a dream that he starts opening his eyes.

 

“You…” Cara says, looking a bit caught of guard when the two lock eyes. “You talked in your sleep.”

 

Lu Han blinks three times before he realizes everything. It’s already morning and the sun’s ray is streaming faintly from the ventilation. The clock says seven thirty in the morning and Lu Han gapes unattractively when he realizes he just fell asleep in that position with his on a hard stool and his head on the bed. No wonder his back feels stiff.

 

And he almost shouts and jumps in surprise when he notices how his hand is gripping hers so tightly.

 

“Oh —Sorry!” Lu Han immediately lets her hand go and backs away from her. But then he realizes something. She’s not screaming in fear. She’s not flinching away from his touch.

 

Lu Han drags his eyes to where she lays on the bed. Her head presses against the pillow and she stares back at him with half-lidded eyes. She’s not wearing her oxygen mask anymore. Maybe the doctor has taken it off of her when he was asleep.

 

She looks ten times better. Her face is still as pale as ghost and she has to make an effort to smile and have a conversation with him, but at least she’s not bleeding herself to death. She still looks weak and frail, but Lu Han still breathes in relief.

 

“Hi,” Lu Han says, smiling at her in a soothing manner even though his heart is doing somersaults behind his chest. “How are you?”

 

She blinks her eyes and breaks their eye contacts. “Where am I?”

 

“Yeouido hospital,” Lu Han says, sitting back on his stool and waits for her beside her bed like what he did a few hours back. “Are you feeling nauseous? Hungry? Or—”

 

“Why am I here?” Cara says, a bit demanding for a sick person but Lu Han pays no mind.

 

Lu Han takes a heavy breath before he speaks. “Because last night, you were literally dying in my bathtub.”

 

She freezes and nibbles on her lower lip. “You shouldn’t have brought me here.”

 

Lu Han wants to laugh over her ridiculous reply, but all he can feel is anger and frustration. Now that he knows she’s fine, he can’t control himself anymore. He snaps.

 

“Oh okay, maybe next time I’ll let you die there,” he says in tone a bit harsher than he intends to be. But Lu Han doesn’t stop—if anything, he only gets crueler. “Would you like me to bring flowers to your funeral? White lilies, yeah? Your favorite?”

 

She stares wide-eyed at him, mouth parting in disbelief.

 

It hurts him to hurt her by his words. And he doesn’t want to hurt her. But he can only cross his patience limit that much until he starts to break apart and snap.

 

And this is him, retaliating.

 

“What on earth were you thinking?” Lu Han asks, voice trembling a bit from all the frustration he tries to control. “Did you think it was absolutely okay to cut your own wrist while you were home by yourself? I’d say you tried to kill yourself, but I think you’re smart enough not to choose that option.”

 

Cara narrows her eyes as her jaw clenches. She looks like she’s about to bite back, but she stays quiet.

 

“Or is it true?” Lu Han tempts her further. “Did you or did you not try to kill yourself?”

 

She tears her gaze away, staring at the cold wall that can only stare and listen to their conversation.

 

“Cara, answer me,” he demands, voice rough and dominating.

 

She finally looks back at him with cold, but also watery eyes. “Yes,” she says, voice trembling. “I wanted to kill myself.”

 

“DAMN IT, CARA!” Lu Han stands up so abruptly that he knocks his chair down in the process. “ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR ING MIND?!”

 

Cara flinches on her spot and squeezes her eyes shut in fear.

 

But Lu Han isn’t stopping. “You were trying to kill yourself—is this some kind of a game to you? ‘Let’s cut my wrist and see how Lu Han will react to it’, is that it? God, you’re such an idiot!”

 

Cara sits frozen with her eyes wide in shock. Her fingers curl into tiny fists, clutching to the hem of her blanket. She has never seen him so out of control like this.

 

Lu Han has a hand over his mouth, trying to muffle down his curses as he turns around and faces the window. He’s breathing hard, and his head starts screaming in pain again. He wants to be so angry with someone but he can’t because it won’t change anything.

 

Lu Han smacks his knuckles to the wall a few times—not too hard, not too loud, just enough to distract his anger for a moment. But really, it’s not anger that he’s trying to tone down. It’s fear. He’s so scared of losing her, that’s why he’s being so upset right now. Knowing the truth that Cara doesn’t want to live anymore, doubles the possibility of him losing her, and he can’t afford that happening to him. Not again. Not this time.

 

“I don’t—” Lu Han inhales sharply, facing her again. “I don’t know what is wrong with you. And you’re not helping me, Cara. You won’t tell me anything and I’m starting to get sick of not knowing. I can’t help you if I don’t know what happened to you on the first place. All I ask is just for you to tell me the truth.”

 

Cara blinks away her tears, looking to the opposite side of where he’s standing. She tries to appear strong, even though the tremble in her voice is clear. “It’s better if you don’t know,” she says and just like a click, it triggers that anger inside him again.

 

“You can’t do that to me!” He shouts, wanting to yank his hair out in frustration. “I’m your friend—, Cara, do you ever think of me?! Does my existence mean anything to you?! I’m sick of having to deal with your sudden behavior! You’re driving me crazy with all your secrets—why can’t you just tell me?!”

 

A tear slips down from her one of her eyes and she wipes it off before it even reaches her cheek. Lu Han knows how much she’s scared of him right now but she still tries to look strong. When she unconsciously starts producing these little sobs from , she nibbles on her lip to contain them.

 

Lu Han freezes from the sight and he remembers how he had made a promise to himself not to ever let her cry, but look what he’s done now.

 

“Cara, please….” Lu Han softens his voice, sighing as he stands beside her bed. “You can’t do this to me. I trusted you. I believed you when you said you were going to be all right by yourself. You don’t know how much it broke me apart when I came home and see you drowning in your own blood. You’re being unfair to me, Cara.”

 

She bites her lower lip so hard until she tastes copper on her tongue but she doesn’t stop because if she does, she’ll break out in bigger sobs and whimpers and she’ll feel even more pathetic than she is right now.

 

“Cara, please…”

 

“No.” She shakes her head, holding her tears back. “I won’t involve you more than this, Lu Han.”

 

“Why don’t you ever understand?!” Lu Han demands, voice sharp enough to make her flinch. “I’m already involved too far, and the least you could do is explain why I have to go through all these things because I’m already at my limit, Cara. I’m going crazy and you can’t do this to me.”

 

Back in his mind, he can hear Sehun saying ‘you never try to see things through her perspective’ but Lu Han is so mad over everything that he can’t find himself to care.

 

And Lu Han knows how wrong that is the second Cara breaks out into tears.

 

“Hey,” Lu Han calls, eyebrows knitted in concern and sympathy. He scurries down to her bed, kneeling beside it and takes her hand in his. “Hey, I’m sorry. Stop crying. Please.”

 

And she’s breaking to pieces. She cries so loud to her knees, burying her face in them as she takes her hand back from him and presses her palms to her ears. Her shoulders are shaking furiously and she’s shivering from head to toe and Lu Han can only wonder why. Why is she like this? She starts sobbing and whimpering so hard until she feels like suffocating, gasping loudly for air to fill her lungs.

 

“Cara, calm down,” Lu Han says, not knowing what to do. He wants to hold her hand again but he never gets the chance to. “Hey, I’m sorry. Please don’t cry.”

 

“I’m sorry,” she sobs to her hands, tears streaming down her face. “I’m sorry, Lu Han, I’m so sorry… I tried to make it stop, I really did—I… I’m sorry…”

 

Lu Han has no single clue about what she’s referring to but he braces himself and pulls himself up. He climbs to the bed and pulls her into a hug. She may have reacted over his sudden movement, but Lu Han doesn’t care. He slips his fingers between the strands of her hair, running through them to calm her down as he hugs her side.

 

“You’re safe,” Lu Han whispers, tangling his free hand with her shivering one. “You’re all right. Stop crying, please...”

 

“The memories…” she chokes between her sobs. “They haunt me… I don’t know what to do… I want them to stop.”

 

Lu Han feels like he’s being stabbed over and over again whenever another word comes from her lips. She sounds so broken and scared to her bones, but Lu Han doesn’t know what to do to at least make her forget about it.

 

“Sssh, it’s all right,” Lu Han says, even though his voice is on the verge of breaking as well. He closes his eyes and prays for everything to be better. “Everything is going to be all right.”

 

In any other occasion, he might have laughed. Lu Han has always been such a bad liar.

 

Because it’s not, is it? Nothing is going to be all right.

 

And it’s not going to be anytime soon.

 

***

YOU HATE ME. I KNOW YOU ALL HATE ME NOW. YOU LOVE SEHUN TOO MUCH THAT YOU WANT TO KILL ME AND YOU WISH THIS WAS A HUNHAN FIC I KNOW YOU DO.

hahaha So yeah I promised you that I was going to reveal cara's secret in this chapter, but because this was already too long, I decided to post it in two parts. Right after that, we'll be focusing more to Sehun so CALM DOWN PEOPLE YOUR KING ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE

I want to say thanks to everyone who's made it till this chapter and still won't abandon my fic despite how depressingly ty and gloomy this fanfic is. You guys are the best and I LOVE YOU *GIVES YOU ALL A HARD SMOOCH*