ICEBREAKER

 

“Yo,” Lu Han called, standing a bit awkwardly in front of his crush. And he shouldn’t have been awkward, really. After all, he was the Magnificent Mr. Lutastic—or at least that was what he called himself. He was nothing but a confident, strikingly gorgeous young man who could leave women gasping just for a single glimpse of his angelic—appearance-wise—smile. Perhaps not literally, but you get the point.

 

And yet, today, Lu Han couldn’t even stand properly on his feet.

 

He just kept on… twitching.

 

The girl with the long, beautiful brown hair raised her head at the sound of his voice. She dragged her eyes away from her textbook to Lu Han’s round ones. “’Yo’?” she repeated questioningly, blinking in the way that he found to be so adorable.

 

“Yeah,” Lu Han said, grinning although deep down inside, his heart was hammering furiously against his ribcages. “’Yo’ as in ‘hello there, pretty lady! What’cha doin’?’”

 

Lu Han cringed at his own words. Why the hell did he always sound so pathetic in front of her? He just couldn’t be his usual charming—or flirty—self. He never sounded like this in front of women before. God, he wanted to kill himself.

 

The girl sighed, closing her book and dropped her hands to the table. “Didn’t I tell you to leave me alone?” she coldly asked.

 

Well, to be honest, that comment sure hurt a little bit, but Lu Han wasn’t going to give up just like that. Not after he’d been crushing on her for weeks. Not after he dyed his hair pink. And certainly, not after he almost got himself killed by his best buddy Kim Minseok for even wanting to ask her out.

 

Lu Han just smiled boyishly. “And didn’t I tell you that I wouldn’t ever do as you say?”

 

The girl—the one that Lu Han called his Algebra Girl—only stared at him with these bored eyes. “That’s not really an appropriate way to get me to talk to you,” she said, contrary to her words.

 

“Ah,” Lu Han smirked, wiggling a finger in the air. “But you’re talking to me now, are you not?”

 

“Apparently, yes.” She tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear and gathered her books into her arms. “And that’s why I’m going to stop talking to you and move away to find another table to study. Good day.”

 

When she stood up from her seat, Lu Han immediately grabbed her wrist. “Wait, stop!”

 

She did not look pleased with him touching her like that. “Let go of me.”

 

“S-sorry, umm…” Lu Han his lower lip, slowly letting go of her hand. “I, uhh, I really need to say something to you.”

 

“Fine.” She huffed, clutching her books to her chest. “Then speak, but make it quick.”

 

Damn it, he thought, why can’t I do this properly? Standing in front of her like this, Lu Han was completely tongue-tied and frozen to his feet. His heart couldn’t stop racing, although he was already used to it by now.

 

Lu Han was busy trying to arrange the proper words to say in his head that he didn’t notice the clock was ticking by.

 

“I’m going,” she said, and Lu Han jolted in surprise.

 

“Go out with me!” He shouted like a ninth grade kid confessing for the first time. He was being a bit loud, attracting a couple of students who were studying next to their table. Surely, the library wasn’t the best place to confess your feelings out loud.

 

She looked more annoyed than embarrassed, and that broke Lu Han’s heart a little.

 

“I’ve told you,” she said, lowering her voice. “I don’t want—”

 

“No, no,” Lu Han immediately added before he heard the rejection, “Let me make it clear first. I know I’ve been acting like this flirty around you and I swear to God, I’m going to stop. That—that guy isn’t me, okay? I’m usually not like that.”

 

She gave him a knowing look and Lu Han tried to ignore it away by clearing his throat.

 

“Look, all I’m asking here is one chance,” Lu Han said, voice soft but not soulless. “I just want you to give me one chance to fix all of this.”

 

“What’s there to be fixed?” she asked. “There’s nothing wrong with—”

 

“Well then let me take you out on a date,” he insisted and although he should be ashamed for sounding so pushy and desperate, he really wasn’t. Or maybe he was, but he didn’t care. This was a do-or-die situation for him. “Just one night. Let me take you out to dinner and—”

 

“Lu Han,” she said and he couldn’t help but feel a little happy—or very happy—to hear his name spoken by her lips. “I told you I can’t.”

 

“No, you’re not listening to me,” Lu Han said, and he hated himself for sounding so pathetic like this. “Give me a chance to go out with you just for a day so we can get to know each other. You hate me right now because you still don’t know me.”

 

“I don’t hate you.”

 

“Yes, you do, and I want to change that,” he said, almost reaching up to touch her hand again. “Just one date, I promise. If you still hate me then, I promise you I’ll stop bugging the hell out of you.”

 

She grabbed the hem of her shirt, and Lu Han noticed that she always did that whenever she was nervous or uncomfortable. “It won’t change anything, Lu Han.”

 

His lips turned into a weak smile. “But you won’t know if you don’t try.”

 

“No, it’s just—” When Lu Han was about to cut her off again, she immediately said, “I’m in love with your friend.”

 

“What?” Lu Han did not see that coming. “You’re—with who? Don’t tell me that you’re in love with Baekhyun.”

 

“No, umm….” She gazed to her feet, and this beautiful shade of pink started to appear on her cheeks. “It’s not him. I, umm….” She hesitated again before she finally shook her head and decided to ditch the topic. “Well, it doesn’t matter. I can’t go out with you because that would be wrong, Lu Han. I’m in love with someone else. It’s just as simple as that.”

 

“Who is it?” Lu Han hated himself for being this nosy and demanding. But he had this bad feeling about all of this and it would only get worse if he couldn’t figure out whom she was talking about. “I won’t do anything. I just want to know.”

 

She finally exhaled heavily and said, “Kim Minseok.”

 

Lu Han was so angry. He was so upset about everything, but he knew this wasn’t anyone’s fault. And he really couldn’t be mad at anyone. Fate was just being cruel with him at the moment, and at the time, Lu Han realized that he was already falling so deep for her. If it were only a crush, Lu Han wouldn’t have cared about her anymore. He’d try to catch someone else and move on, because love was always a piece of crap to deal with. He knew that. That was why he tried to avoid it. And now he just found out that he was already tangled in it.

 

But then again, maybe Lu Han had known he was in love with her all along. Because when she said Minseok’s name, the only thing he could think about was: ‘This is not fair for her. Minseok is in love with someone else.” His story didn’t have a happy ending, but Lu Han only cared about hers.

 

And he couldn’t stop himself from speaking more about that topic. “But Minseok already has a girlfriend, doesn’t he?”

 

Her lips were pressed into a thin line, and Lu Han felt awful for even bringing that up. “Yes,” she said. “He’s in love with my friend.”

 

Fate is really cruel, not only to him, but even more to her.

 

“Then forget about him,” Lu Han said, “And be with me instead.”

 

Those words he said made him want to slap the hell out of himself. Because how could he be so stupid and insensitive? How could he be so selfish?

 

Lu Han was sure that she was going to be so angry with him at that time. He even prepared himself for a full time screaming, but she only looked at him with a frown before she let out a chuckle.

 

“Okay,” she said, her lips smiling but when Lu Han saw it, he felt something weird swirling in the bottom of his stomach. “I’ll go out with you.”

 

“You’ll what?” Lu Han gaped, eyes wide.

 

“I’ll go out with you,” she repeated then her smile vanished from her face. “But please know that whenever we’re together, I’ll always remember him instead of you. When I look at you, I’ll imagine his eyes staring back at me, and not yours. When you hold my hand, I’ll smile not because the warmth of your fingers but because I can picture his gentle touch in my head. And when you smile for me, I’ll look away, because that’s not the way he smiles and it’s his smile that I want to see, not yours.”

 

When she stopped talking, Lu Han was unable to form a coherent word or even thought.

 

Her lips grew apart to form apologetic words when she noticed Lu Han’s heartbroken expression. She didn’t want to be mean; she only wanted him to know how wrong it was to force something that shouldn’t happen. But she knew he didn’t want an apology.

 

 “If you care about me that much,” she said, and for the first time smiling gently at him. “You’d know how bad it would feel, Lu Han. To be in love with someone who’s in love with your friend. We’re not that different.”

 

Lu Han still couldn’t say anything. And even when he could, the only thing he would probably have said was, ‘I’m sorry.’

 

The girl spoke in the softest voice he’d ever heard coming out from her. “I’m not going to go out with you when I’m in love with someone else, Lu Han. Not because I hate you. It’s just not right. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. You deserve someone who actually has feelings for you.” Then quietly, she murmurs in the way that couldn’t be heard by him, “Someone who’s better than me.”

 

But I don’t have feelings for anyone else, Lu Han screamed in his mind but he didn’t pronounce it out loud. He just looked away from her, biting the inside of his cheek to contain his disappointment.

 

When he didn’t answer for a while, she gently stepped away and apologized. “I’m sorry if I made you upset. I’ll be going now.”

 

“No, wait,” Lu Han said, sighing. “I’m sorry, I just… I understand. Sorry I’ve been bothering you for a while.” He tried to smile, although it was really hard to do so. “Forgive me?”

 

She looked a bit caught of guard but then she replied, “There’s nothing to apologize for, really. And, umm…” Her lips broke out into that cute, motherly smile Lu Han grew to love. “Thank you.”

 

Lu Han blinked, a little piece of his heart fell deeper in love with the curve of her lips. “For what?” he asked.

 

“I don’t know, umm—” She looked uncertain herself, a bit embarrassed about it too. “For liking me, I guess? Even though we don’t know each other that much.”

 

“True,” he said, but in his head, he screamed, ‘I know you. I know everything about you. I know how you like to tap your foot against the floor when your favorite song is playing. I know how you like to bite the cap of your pen when you’re agitated. I know how you like to fiddle with the bottom of your shirt when you’re nervous or scared. I know you. It’s me that you don’t know’.

 

Lu Han tried to keep everything light and casual. “Well I don’t know if I still like you,” he said, grinning teasingly. “I mean, I don’t take rejections that well. The Casanova inside me is hurt, you know.”

 

“That’s…” She gave out a small chuckle. “That’s understandable, I guess.”

 

Lu Han would’ve more, but he couldn’t keep his curiosity away. “Can I ask you one more thing, though?”

 

She nodded.

 

“If you weren’t in love with anyone else,” Lu Han said, “Would you go out with me?”

 

She stopped and stared for few heart-stopping seconds. “Maybe,” she said, smiling sheepishly. “If you don’t have pink hair.”

 

And Lu Han smiled back at her as she walked away. But the moment he tried to move his feet, he felt like he was trying to cross a river full of needles.

 

The distance between him and her had become much further once again.

 

 

***

 

“Hyung.”

 

Lu Han opens his eyes, waking up from his unintended sleep. Turns out he fell asleep with his head on the table after his last talk with Sehun a few hours ago. He checks the modern digital clock on the wall and it says eight pass ten in the morning.

 

He blinks his eyes a couple of times, trying to adjust his line of vision before he brings his head up and looks to the side. He sees Oh Sehun standing beside him with a bag slung across his shoulder. He’s now wearing his own clothes, and his rainbow hair looks wet and fresh. After the scent of soap and aftershave hits the tip of his nose, Lu Han realizes that the boy just took a shower and used his shampoo without permission. Not that he minds.

 

“Hyung, I’m leaving,” Sehun says. His expression is flat, almost emotionless.

 

“What?” Lu Han stifles a yawn as he looks around. He notices that his other guest isn’t there in the living room. “Where’s Cara?”

 

Lu Han doesn’t have the chance to look at Sehun’s tiny hurtful expression from being ignored. The younger one manages to cover it up smoothly.

 

“She’s still asleep,” Sehun answers coolly. “She was here when I woke up, busying herself and pacing back and forth in the kitchen.”

 

Lu Han stretches his arms on the table like a cat. “Why?”

 

“She was trying to make us some coffees,” Sehun replies, “She said you couldn’t go on for a day without caffeine in your system.” The younger one pointed his head to the two white mugs on the table that are just a hand reach away from Lu Han. The Chinese man immediately reaches up and takes a grab at one of the mugs.

 

The glass is hot but not scalding, and Lu Han can see the black, brewed coffee inside it, still creating puffs of hot air. He breathes in the scent and just like that, he’s already on the verge of running along the city of Seoul, screaming something like “I’M THE HAPPIEST MAN IN THE WORLD!”

 

“Yeah, okay, Hyung.” Sehun rolls his eyes and Lu Han wonders if he actually screamed that line out loud. “I know you’re happy, but don’t look that happy. You’re gross.”

 

Even Sehun’s mockery doesn’t affect him at all. “She made us coffee, Sehunnie.” Lu Han’s lips turns into a -eating grin and Sehun pretends to gag when he sees it. “No, Sehun, you don’t understand. She. Made. Us. Coffee.”

 

“Yeah, okay, I get it the first time.” Sehun sighs impatiently. “What’s great about that anyway? Anyone can make a cup of coffee. I can make one too.”

 

“Yeah, but this changes everything. She remembered my addiction to caffeine.” Lu Han smiles to his cup. “She cares about us, Sehun-ah. That’s what makes me happy.”

 

The younger one only snorts at his comment. “Or maybe, Hyung, just maybe, she wanted to make one for herself but since I caught her in the act, she made some for us too just to be polite.”

 

Lu Han throws him a look. “Well, did she make one for herself?”

 

“Umm…” Sehun pouts and looks at his feet. “No.”

 

Lu Han smiles again and steps down from his stool. “I know what this is all about,” he says, placing a hand on one of Sehun’s bony shoulders. “You’re jealous of her again, aren’t you, Sehun-ah?”

 

Sehun looks genuinely surprised that Lu Han would say something like that. He even has his nose scrunched up. “What—why would I be jealous? I’m not jealous!” Then he lowers his gaze again, muttering under his breath, “But it’d be great if we can stop talking about her once in a while.”

 

“I know. I’m sorry,” Lu Han says, ruffling Sehun’s wet hair. “You should dry your hair properly, Sehunnie. I don’t want you to catch a cold.”

 

“I already do,” Sehun responds, sniffling cutely to make his point.

 

Lu Han laughs slightly, as he takes a step toward the bathroom. “Well then, don’t forget to take some rest,” he says, grabbing a clean towel and heads back to the spot where Sehun is standing. “Because unlike me, you have nothing to worry about, right, Sehunnie? You can just sleep easily like a baby.”

 

Sehun just stays quiet as his Hyung lands a towel over his head, drying his hair like a gentle mother for a few seconds before he tells the boy to do the rest of it himself. Sehun doesn’t do it though. He just stands and stares at Lu Han with dark, mysterious eyes.

 

“Actually, Hyung,” Sehun starts, looking hesitant but also desperate to tell him something. “There is something I’ve been wanting to tell you.”

 

“Hmm?” Lu Han hums as he sits on the stool again and takes a sip of the coffee Cara just made from him. He moans delightfully when the bitter taste of the black coffee hits his tongue. “Holy , this is perfect. God, Sehun, I think I want to marry her. No, I need to marry her.”

 

Sehun bites his lip before he forces a smile. “Yeah, maybe you should,” he bitterly says and turns around, throwing the towel to the table before he walks toward the front door.

 

“Hey, hey,” Lu Han calls when he sees the boy strolls away with hasty steps. “Where are you going? I thought you were going to tell me something.”

 

Sehun stops when he has his hand on the doorknob. He breathes out once before he turns around and faces Lu Han directly. The elder finally focuses his gaze on him, but Sehun can tell that half of Lu Han’s mind is still thinking about her.

 

“How’s your girlfriend?” Lu Han asks, smiling as he strikes out a conversation. “I’m guessing things are going well with you two?”

 

That’s not the topic Sehun wants to share with him at the moment, but it’s nice of Lu Han to still remember about his girlfriend even when Sehun rarely—if not never—talks about her.

 

“She’s fine,” Sehun says. “We’re going to celebrate our one year anniversary today.”

 

“Oh really?” Lu Han responds, throwing a genuine smile. “Wow, that’s great. Glad to hear that. So are you planning to take her out to dinner tonight or something?”

 

Sehun only stays silent, feeling a bit dizzy from so many thoughts entering his mind. He seems to be quiet for a few moments too long because Lu Han has started looking at him with concerned eyes and a frown on his face.

 

“Sehun-ah? You all right, there?”

 

Sehun blinks and lands his eyes back at the other man. He nibbles at his bottom lip as he contemplates with the words he wants to say. The moment he’s ready, he opens his mouth to form the sentence but at the same time, Cara opens the door of her room and takes a careful step to the living room.

 

Lu Han turns around to see her, and even when Sehun can only see the back of his head, he can tell that there’s another love struck gaze and a smile on his Hyung’s face.

 

Cara seems to notice that she’s interrupting something, so she quickly bows to the two boys and says, “I… just wanted to use the bathroom,” as she shuffles on her feet, crossing the room to get to that place. She quickly shut the door and the room falls into silence once again.

 

“She…” Lu Han says in his half drunk state mode. “She just wants to use the bathroom.” He giggles, staring at the empty air. “Oh my God, she’s so cute. I can’t believe she’s in my apartment. Sehunnie, she’s really here.”

 

Sehun exhales in defeat. “Well I have classes to go to, Hyung. I’m leaving.”

 

“Okay,” Lu Han says, eyes still in wonder.

 

Sehun takes off while he tries to ignore the irritation that starts to bloom in his heart because Lu Han didn’t even spend a glance to see him leave.

 

Oh Sehun is not jealous. He just misses his friend.

 

And as he checks the screen on his phone, recognizing the familiar caller ID on it, he thinks he really needs one.

 

“Yes, this is Oh Sehun,” he says to his phone. “Yes, I’m her son.”

 

***

 

Lu Han tries to busy himself with a newspaper that is probably two days old, but he doesn’t care because his eyes are never there anyway. He’s just trying to disguise himself as a normal person who does not spend every ticking time boring his eyes to the bathroom’s door, waiting for her to come out of it.

 

When she does, Lu Han immediately avert his eyes and hides himself behind the newspaper. His heart thumps louder than the sound of a running train.

 

He can hear her steps as she closes herself to his spot, but still leaving a safe distance between them. “Lu Han?”

 

“Y-yes,” he squeaks out, cursing inwardly because of his own nervous system. He folds the newspaper away and smiles brightly at her. He just wishes he wouldn’t look too creepy for her. “I mean, good morning, Cara. How was your night?”

 

She bites her lip, bringing her eyes down to her fingers that are tied together in front of her stomach. “There’s…” She clears . “There’s something I want to ask.”

 

Lu Han can’t help but to knit his eyebrows together. “What is it?”

 

“I…” She gazes up at him and there’s something unspoken hidden behind her eyes. “I really don’t want to bother you by staying here—”

 

There it is again. That one question that makes him want to sigh and groan out of frustration. “You’re not bothering anyone, Cara. We’ve been through this already.”

 

“I know, but—”

 

“Look, my offer is still on the table,” Lu Han says, holding one hand in the air. “If you can convince me you have someplace else that is safe enough for you to stay, then you are free to leave.”

 

Cara’s eyes grow weary. “Lu Han—”

 

“But—” Lu Han cuts her off, not smiling at her but not scolding her either. “If you don’t have anywhere to go, then you’ll have to stay and accompany me as I have the world’s worst pancakes for breakfast.”

 

Cara keeps her lips pressed tightly together as Lu Han pulls a chair for her to sit. “Lu Han, you know I can’t stay. I don’t have my dru—clothes. I don’t have any clothes for me to change.”

 

There’s something weird and suspicious with his words and Lu Han sends her a cautious look. “I’ll buy you some. Just let me have some breakfast first.”

 

“No, that’s not what I—” She sighed. “Lu Han, please. You know I can’t stay.”

 

Lu Han is trying his best to stay calm and look as casual and easy going as he can. “What else do you need?” he asks, grabbing some eggs from the refrigerator before he looks around for some plain flour. “Oh I hope you like strawberry pancakes, because that’s the only flavor I have here.”

 

Cara bites her lip, not moving from her spot. “Lu Han, I’m a girl.”

 

“Yes, I think I got that.” Lu Han chuckles softly. “Anything else?”

 

“How many times should I say this, Lu Han? I can’t stay,” She says again, eyes determined even though her cheeks are a bit flushed. “It’s going to be… weird.”

 

Lu Han grabs a bowl, pouring an enough amount of flour in it. “And why is that?”

 

She lets the silence answer him, and he knows well what she intends to say. You know why, Lu Han, don’t make me say it.

 

After cracking some eggs, Lu Han turns around from his work and looks at her. “Are you afraid I’m going to do something to you?” he asks straightforwardly and she blushes as soon as the words catch her ears.

 

“T-that’s not—” she panics, afraid that she’s offending him by accusing such things. She grabs the hem of her shirt, fiddling with it to make her feel less nervous. “I-it’s not that—I mean… What will people say about you… and me…”

 

Shrugging, he simply says, “I’ll tell them you’re my girlfriend and we just moved in together.”

 

She gapes, eyes wide and filled with utter shock. “B-but we’re not—”

 

Lu Han feels a bit cruel to find a joy over her anxiety but she looks so adorable that he can’t help it. “I’m sorry. I was just kidding. Relax,” he says, laughing sheepishly at her. “You haven’t changed at all, have you, Cara? You still like to play with your shirt when you’re nervous.”

 

She stares at his eyes as her lips parted in surprise. “Umm…”

 

Lu Han can see the faint blush on her cheeks, and as much as he wants to kiss it away, he restrains himself and settles with words instead. “Don’t worry about it, Cara. I’ll take care of everything. You just need to stay, have a rest, and watch Running Man while I’m away to work. They say they’re going to show Kwangsoo’s dad in this episode. I think it’s gonna be hilarious.” He ends it with a friendly grin.

 

She still looks restless, though. “I can’t stay forever, Lu Han.”

 

“And I’m not asking you to,” Lu Han answers, although he wishes he could keep her here forever. “When things are okay for you to leave, I’ll let you go. I won’t hold you back, I promise.”

 

She bites her lip—a new habit he learns about her—as she fiddles with the end of her shirt. “Why are you still being so nice to me?” she asks, and Lu Han has to put up a big effort to hear her barely there words. “I’ve been pushing you away and yet…”

 

Lu Han secretly forms a smile that doesn’t gleam with happiness.

 

Because I’m broken inside and you’re the only one who can help me.

 

Lu Han decided to just give her a casual line, with a playful tone and words that are so fake he curses himself inwardly for lying about his true feelings. “Because I’m your friend and I want to help you,” he turns around so she can’t see the unspoken truth in his eyes. “So, how about those pancakes?”

 

I’m not nice, Cara, Lu Han screams in his mind. The faint smile is there and his eyes speak with hidden pain. I’m selfish, and I’m keeping you here to keep myself sane.

 

***

 

“No, tell me,” Lu Han insists, as he the strawberry syrup off his spoon. “It’s okay, Cara, I can take it.”

 

Cara sighs tiredly. This has been going for more than a half an hour. “They’re fine, Lu Han.”

 

“Liar,” Lu Han calls, wrinkling his nose playfully at her. “Tell me the truth.”

 

She looks up to send him a secret glare, growing impatient as Lu Han keeps on propelling unimportant question about how his pancakes taste on her tongue. “Like I’ve told you,” she emphasizes with a hard stare and Lu Han tries to contain himself from giggling. He can’t get enough of her new expressions—they’re just too cute for words in his opinion. “The pancakes are fine.”

 

“No, they’re not. They’re bland.”

 

“They’re not—They’re fine, Lu Han.”

 

“No, they’re bland.”

 

“They’re not.”

 

“They are.”

 

She closes her eyes for a second to contain her emotion. “Fine,” she finally says to a grinning Lu Han. “They may be a bit bland. You should’ve added more milk and sugar into them, and you also forgot to put some baking powder in them, and they’re a bit burnt at the end.”

 

She says her words very fast and a bit sharp, and in one breath. She holds a hand over after she said her last complaint, surprising herself that she could be so rude toward him. “I—I’m sorry, Lu Han, I didn’t mean to—”

 

But her words are cut off short by his laughter. It’s the first time she sees him looking so happy and bright, and she notices how there are wrinkles at the corner of his eyes when he laughs. His lips quirking up into a smile as he stares at her with that look she’s finally been accustomed to. That single look that manages to warm her heart somehow, and makes her mind stop thinking about anything else but him and him only.

 

“You were teasing me, weren’t you?” she asks quietly. The tips of her ears grow red.

 

“I’m sorry,” Lu Han says, still chuckling. He leans back into his chair, examining the flustered look on her face as she’s sitting a few seats away from him in the dining room. “You looked so nervous so I just thought that maybe I should ease you up a little bit. Did I piss you off?”

 

Like a small girl getting refused to buy a new doll, she brings her eyes down to her plate and pouts a bit. Maybe she does it unintentionally, but Lu Han can still see it clearly. Her pout brings another smile to his face.

 

“Hey~ I said I’m sorry,” he says, but she doesn’t respond to him. “And I’m sorry for serving you bad pancakes.”

 

A couple of seconds remain in silence before she corrects him in a whisper, “They’re not that bad.”

 

Lu Han’s ears perk up like a dog being called by its master. “What was that?”

 

“I said,” she repeats, blushing a little. “I said, they’re not that bad.”

 

Lu Han actually heard it the first time, but that mischievous side of him just keeps appearing. “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Can you say it louder?”

 

“They’re not bad!” She shouts, her cheeks shine pink brightly.

 

“All right, all right, if you like them that much, I’ll make you some more,” he teases again as he puts up a boyish smirk and she hastily tries to avert her attention back to her food.

 

“You’re…” she starts uncertainly, “You seem so happy today.”

 

“Oh, do I?” he asks, smiling when he nibbles on a slice of his pancakes. “Well, I am happy.” He doesn’t say why, though. He thinks she already knows anyway. “But you know what’s gonna make me happier?” When she gazes at him, Lu Han throws her a small wink. It’s more like a teasing friendly one than the flirting kind. “If you serve me your own pancakes tomorrow. Will you cook for me, Cara?”

 

She stays silent, and Lu Han knows it’s not because of his request. She grows quiet because he’s already so convinced that she’s still going to be in his place tomorrow.

 

Lu Han can see that in her eyes so he hurriedly changes the topic. He wants to talk about something easier, but his lips betray him the moment they form words. “What happened to you, Cara?”

 

Her body goes rigid for a second there, and she clears to mask it up. “W-what do you mean?”

 

Even before he can ask further about it, he can see how her eyes are glimmering with a new shade of pain and fear.

 

But this question needs to be asked.

 

“I want to know about your situation,” Lu Han says, voice low and serious. “I want to know what happened to you after I left. I want to know how you feel right now. I want you to explain the very first reason why you were so afraid of me when we first met.”

 

When her eyes slightly grow wide and shimmer in anxiety, Lu Han softens his gaze and adds, “Please, Cara. I’d like to help you… if you’d let me.”

 

Lu Han expects no answer from her, so he’s dreadfully surprised when she says, “Can you turn back time and change the past?”

 

This time, he’s the one who grows stiff over her words. “N-no,” he murmurs.

 

Then her lips break into another broken smile. “Then you can’t help me, Lu Han.”

 

Before he can respond with anything, she already stands up from her seat, wiping her lips with a napkin before she settles it down beside her half-eaten pancake. “I’m not hungry anymore. If it’s not too much to ask, I’d like to borrow your guest room again. Please excuse me.”

 

Lu Han’s jaw hangs loosely on his face before he gets how upset she is. “Cara, wait—I'm—”

 

He only gets answered by the sound of a closing door.

 

***

 

Lu Han has been pacing back and forth in his living room for the past fifteen minutes, biting his thumb as the thoughts run endlessly in his head.

 

This is not getting better. What do I do with her?

 

The phone starts to ring again, and Lu Han groans. He’s been trying to deny the call but whoever it is on the other line is so damn persistent. The ringtone of his phone has been repeating for more than five times today, and though he still wants to leave it alone, Lu Han finally gives in and picks up the call.

 

He doesn’t need to check the caller ID before he says, “Yes, Kris?”

 

“You better have a good reason for not answering my previous phone calls,” Kris states in his leader’s voice again. “Where have you been?” The sound he makes is dangerous enough to make Lu Han stand frozen on his feet.

 

“I’m sorry, I just—” Lu Han nibbles at his lower lip as he takes a glance at Cara’s door—which still hasn’t been opened since their breakfast ended an hour ago. “There’s something I have to take care of, Kris.”

 

“We have scheduled an appointment for today and I demand you to be here at my office.” Kris’ tone is final and Lu Han knows better not to say anything back. “I will not tolerate any more of your excuses, Lu Han. I may have allowed you to adjourn our meeting a couple of times before, but that was because I trusted you to be responsible enough with our case. But as far as I can see, I have not received any gratifying progress from you.”

 

Lu Han swallows hard. “I know, Kris. I’m sorry. This week has been crazy—”

 

“I don’t want to hear it,” Kris says and Lu Han holds a breath. Kris never sounded this angry before. “I hired you to work on my case, and I require you to be on your most professional behavior. Do not disappoint me, Lu Han.”

 

Lu Han’s forehead creases and he starts to worry. He can’t even be upset over Kris’ impoliteness for not calling him Hyung or gege, because he knows he’s been slacking on his job far too much. “Yes, I know,” Lu Han admits with voice full of guilt. “I get it and I’m sorry. But—”

 

“I expect to see you in my office in thirty minutes,” Kris orders, voice low and dangerous. “I will not accept otherwise.”

 

Then he hangs up the phone.

 

Lu Han exhales and rubs his temple with one hand. “Damn it,” he quietly curses under his breath. Now what should I do? I can’t leave her here alone.

 

He unlocks his iPhone again and goes through his contact list. After he finds his name, he presses the ‘call’ option.

 

Come on, Sehun. Pick up, pick up.

 

“The number you are calling cannot be reached—”

 

“!” Lu Han groans, ending the call with his thumb pressed not too gently on his phone’s screen. “Where is he when I need him?” He resorts to sending him a text message, and he taps his fingers furiously on the screen: Pick up your phone! This is urgent. I have to go to work. I need you to look after her until I get home. Call me back when you get this text! And then he presses ‘send’. Even after that, he still tries to call Sehun one more time, only to be rejected this time.

 

Goddammit, Sehun! I know you’re busy celebrating your ing anniversary but pick up my damn call! Lu Han shouts in his mind but he decides to trust Sehun on this. Even though he’s young and sometimes selfish, Sehun always comes to help Lu Han whenever he needs him. Lu Han is certain that Sehun will come by soon.

 

There’s nothing else can be done and Kris isn’t going to wait any longer, so Lu Han sighs and does the thing he has to do even though his heart won’t agree with it.

 

Ten minutes later, Lu Han stands right in front of Cara’s door, already dressed in a semi-formal grey buttoned-up shirt with black trousers and carrying his laptop bag in one hand. He raises his hand and hesitates for a few moments before he finally knocks his knuckles gently to the wooden surface.

 

“Cara,” Lu Han calls. “Hey, uhh... I have to go to work. It’s probably going to take a while, but don’t worry. I already texted Sehun to come by and look after you. He’s going to be here soon. Will you be okay by yourself until then?”

 

No answer.

 

“Cara, please…” Lu Han says, pressing his palm against the door. His head lulls forward, almost begging. “Cara, just promise me you’ll be alright.”

 

When he’s just about to be sure that he won’t get any kind of respond from her, Cara slowly opens the door.

 

Lu Han backs away, giving her some space and he searches her cloudy eyes. She looks tired and weary, but she tries to smile at him. She only opens the door wide enough to show her face, but Lu Han doesn’t find the need to complain about it as much as he feels grateful.

 

“I’m sorry,” she says. “You can go, Lu Han. I’ll be fine.”

 

“You’ll…” Lu Han’s a bit surprised at her words and the smile she’s placing on her lips. “You’ll be alright?”

 

She continues smiling and nods her head. “Yes.”

 

“Okay, then,” Lu Han says, his mouth breaking into a smile as well. “I’ll be back here before you know it, and I’ll go pick up your things on my way here, okay?”

 

“Okay,” she says and Lu Han’s shy smile forms into a full grin.

 

“Well, I guess I’ll be going now,” Lu Han says, taking a few steps away from her and moving towards the front door. “I’ve written down my number for you. Oh and Sehun’s number too, just in case you need anything. They’re on the kitchen’s table. Make yourself at home, and feel free to use anything here. I won’t mind, I swear.”

 

She nods. “I understand.”

 

“Great, umm…” Lu Han tries to remember what else he needs to say before he leaves. “Is there anything else I should help you with?”

 

“No,” she gives a small chuckle, shaking her head. “I’ve bothered you enough. I’ll be alright, don’t worry.”

 

“You never bothered me, Cara, but okay,” Lu Han says, his heart flutters in his chest. “Goodbye, Cara.”

 

“Goodbye,” she answers, bowing her head politely. “Be careful on your way there.”

 

Lu Han thinks he can’t be any happier than this. His cheekbones almost fly up to his hair and he can’t get himself to stop smiling as he turns his doorknob. He can imagine himself marrying her someday and having her say goodbye in such gentle manner every time he goes to work.

 

Too fast, Lu. Jesus, get a grip of yourself.

 

When he’s about to close the door, Lu Han peeks his head in again and throws her another wide happy grin. “Bye, Cara!”

 

She smiles again and mouths her reply, which sends the other man jump happily on his feet as he goes to his destination.

 

For a moment there, she feels perfectly fine, just trying to picture Lu Han’s smile inside her head to keep herself safe.

 

But as the silence comes by, so do the memories.

 

“You promised him,” she murmurs to herself, hugging her body as she falls to her knees and leans her back against the door. “You promised him to be safe. Keep your promise.”

 

But it hurts and she’s scared, and she can hear him getting closer and closer.

 

You’re always going to be mine. They can use you as much as they want, but you belong to me.

 

“No,” she whispered, closing her eyes. Her face is contorted in pain. “Don’t think about him. Stop thinking about him.”

 

I own you.

 

“Be quiet,” Cara whimpers, covering her ears with her palm.

 

You’re nothing without me.

 

“Shut up!”

 

Does this hurt? It does, doesn’t it? But this is necessary. So you won’t ever forget who owns you.

 

She’s been off too long without her drugs and it’s starting to eat her from the inside.

 

I love you. I love you so much it hurts, do you know that?

 

Cara scrambles to the bathroom, trying to find the first aid kit or anything that has some drugs in it. She needs a distraction, something to make herself feel numb. Something to suppress the voices in her head.

 

Do you know what you’re doing to me? I can’t live without you. You’re mine. Always.

 

She searches everywhere, even going to Lu Han’s room, searching through his closet and his locker but there’s nothing there to be found. All she can find is the last pill of aspirin and that won’t do. She needs something stronger. Something much stronger.

 

Everybody will leave you, but not me. We’ll be together forever. Aren’t you happy to have me?

 

The world starts to spin before her. Tears start falling and they make it harder for her to see as she searches what’s hidden in the kitchen’s cabinet.

 

Oh, look at you. So beautiful. Maybe I should write more this time.

 

“Lu Han…” she murmurs his name like a prayer as her heartbeat races. “Lu Han, I’m sorry…”

 

You can never hide from me.

 

The more she hears him inside her head, the more her promise falters like it has never been spoken. And Lu Han is never there, not even in her memories.

 

Oh, you want to hurt me, is that what you want? Do it. DO IT!

 

She gasps, a hand clutching to her chest.

 

I’m not mad. I love you. We’ll always be together.

 

Breathe. She needs to breathe.

 

Say it. Say that you only belong to me.

 

Suddenly, the little kitchen knife she found hidden inside the cabinet looks so tempting.

 

That’s right. Just one more word and I’ll let you go.

 

A little cut would be okay. The pain will be enough to distract her. Just… a little cut.

 

You’re mine.

 

***

 

Even when Kris is standing in his serious demeanor in front of him, Lu Han still can’t take his mind off the girl who’s currently staying in his apartment. It would probably be okay if she’s just a normal person who’s not suffering PTSD and doesn’t have a habit of consuming painkillers drugs when under a lot of stress. Lu Han just hopes she’s not suicidal although his guts scream otherwise.

 

Whenever Kris focuses his stare at Yixing—who is trying to explain the main obstacle of the case their doing together—Lu Han tries to sneak a glance at his phone.

 

No phonecall. No voicemail. No text message.

 

Nothing.

 

Come on, Sehun, Lu Han begs inside his maze of thoughts, at least reply my text and tell me you’re already there with her.

 

“So what do you think, Lu Han?” Kris suddenly asks, throwing a mind-numbing stare at the smaller man.

 

“Huh?” Lu Han chokes on a breath. “Oh, umm…”

 

He didn’t pay attention to everything Kris just said. Oh God, he mutters inside his head. Not again, Lu. What the are you doing?

 

“Don’t tell me you’re dozing off again, Lu-ge,” Yixing huffs, eyebrows knitted in annoyance. “Even I can be serious at times like this.”

 

“It’s…” Lu Han sits straight on his seat. “I’m sorry. Really, I—”

 

“Get out,” Kris says, and Lu Han’s lips parted in surprise.

 

“What?” the oldest one asks. “Did you just tell me to—”

 

“I want you to leave my office,” Kris repeats, voice firm and definite. He’s not even looking at Lu Han when he adds, “You’re dismissed.”

 

“What are you—” Lu Han protests, gaping. “You can’t just dismiss me! I’m—”

 

“Listen here, you irresponsible prick,” Kris suddenly growls, standing from his seat as he grabs Lu Han by his collar. Without knowing it, Lu Han is dragged to his feet, meeting Kris eye-to eye. “I am your boss. I can do whatever the hell I want. My whole business is in jeopardy here and I’m not going to risk it just because you can’t put your goddamn head in the game and solve this case like you’re ordered to.”

 

Yixing stands up as well, reaching out his hands to calm the two men down. “Whoa, guys, come on. Are we seriously gonna behave like kids? This is not cool.”

 

Lu Han glares back at Kris’ raging eyes but he swallows down his own protests and resorts to, “Get your hands off me, Kris.”

 

“Not until you say and do as what you’ve agreed to in our contract,” Kris says demandingly. “I’m not here to play around like we used to, Lu Han. And I’m not going to let you ruin everything I’ve been working on for years just because you’re in love with one damn girl. You mark my words.”

 

Lu Han gets shoved back to his seat and rendered speechless. He didn’t think Kris knew about his feelings for Cara. But maybe Lu Han has always been that obvious?

 

“I have to say that I agree with him, Lu-ge,” Yixing says, leaning close and pats him on the shoulder. “You have to get your mind straight and stop thinking about anything else. You’re seriously being unprofessional right now.”

 

Lu Han slaps his hand away, and although Yixing flinches at the harsh movement, he keeps quiet about it and just goes back to sit in his own seat.

 

“Now, leave,” Kris says, massaging his temple with his fingers. “Both of you.”

 

Lu Han stays still but Yixing, on the other hand, is frantic. “What?!” Yixing shrieks. “Why am I getting kicked out too? I didn’t do anything wro—”

 

“I want you two to go home, take a rest, and get your done,” Kris explains a bit clearer. “It’s been a long day today and we’ve worked hard enough. Or at least two of us did.”

 

Lu Han glances away, not wanting to meet Kris’ sharp glare.

 

“We’ll have another meeting here next week, same hour,” the tallest man states. “In the mean time, I want you two to read the documents I gave you today and I want another report on my desk by Monday. Do I make myself clear?”

 

Yixing sighs, leaning against the back of his seat. “Fine, okay.”

 

Kris gives a please nod before he glares back at the oldest man in the room. “Lu Han, don’t mess this up again. Yixing will fill you in with the details so I will not accept any excuses. Do you hear me?”

 

“Yes,” Lu Han says through gritted teeth, standing up from his seat and grabbed his bag. “Yes, I hear you, Kris.”

 

Yixing can still smell the tension and all the awkwardness between the three of them, so he huffs and whines, “Oh maaaaan~ I hate it when BenBen and Lulu fight! Can’t you two just say sorry and make up already? You know XingXing is not happy.”

 

Lu Han shoves his laptop charger into his bag, not giving a rat’s over Yixing’s bratty act, but Kris tries to be the mature one. The man with the thick eyebrows sighs and says, “I’m sorry if I was being too harsh earlier, Lu Han.”

 

“No, it’s okay,” Lu Han says, but not looking at him. “I need it.”

 

***

 

Since today has not been going well for him, Lu Han prays everything to be better as soon as he gets home. Maybe the headache he has in the back of his head will dissipate as soon as he gets to see Cara’s smile. Maybe the anger that’s been aching in his heart can be reduced to minimum when he sees her staring back at him with those beautiful hazel eyes. Maybe he’ll get to hear her calling her name, and his whole day will turn upside down.

 

Lu Han reaches his building when the moon has replaced the sun. The night wind is a bit chilly and Lu Han huffs to the air, creating clouds of breath from his lips. He tightens his bag to him and runs to his apartment, praying with every step he takes that Cara will be all right. Sehun still hasn’t returned his calls or his texts and Lu Han is worried sick over everything. This is actually the first time for Oh Sehun to not answering his call like that. Maybe his phone’s dead. Lu Han just wishes that’s the actual reason and not something else much worse.

 

When he reaches his door, Lu Han is out of breath. He his lower lip, feeling a bit nervous and that eerie feeling at the pit of his stomach makes him nauseous. He’s been feeling like that since the moment he closed his door on her and went to his office. He just feels like there is something he’s been missing out; that there is something bad going to happen to him. Or to her.

 

Lu Han swallows his breath and tries not to trust his gut.

 

He swipes his card to the security lock and turns around his doorknob, saying, “Hey, Cara, I’m home!” as he enters the apartment.

 

Just like in any other moments before this, Lu Han gets answered by silence.

 

But this time, something feels different.

 

There’s a shiver running down his spine but he knows it’s not from the low temperature of the room. Something is wrong.

 

“Cara?” Lu Han calls, dropping his bag on the couch before he goes his way to her room. The door is unlocked and after knocking on her door three times, Lu Han decides to break in. She’s not there.

 

Panic starts to rise to his throat.

 

“Cara!” Lu Han calls louder this time, running to every spot he can reach. The living room. His own room. She’s still nowhere to be seen.

 

“Oh my God,” Lu Han gasps when he walks into the kitchen. There are pieces of broken glass spreading all over the floor. The cabinets are all open wide, as if someone just forcibly opened them and didn’t have the time to close them properly. Someone who was so desperate to find something.

 

To find what exactly?

 

“Cara!” This time, he starts shouting. “Cara, answer me!”

 

Still no answer and he’s scared to his feet.

 

Oh , Lu Han bites his lower lip again, nibbling on it hard enough to keep himself sane. Sehun isn’t here too and that makes him worry even more. Is she running away from me again? No, what if she was kidnapped? Did someone break into my apartment?

 

Some of his thoughts don’t make sense, but he can’t think. The blood is rushing to his head, making him feel edgy and jumpy and he finds it harder to breathe.

 

Lu Han is already on the verge of running out of his apartment, trying to find her presence in the cold night of Seoul, but then he notices there’s one place he hasn’t checked yet.

 

“Cara?” Lu Han persistently calls, tapping his knuckles to the bathroom’s door. “Cara, are you there? Please answer me.”

 

The only answer he gets is this maddening silence that makes him want to rip out his hair from his head. The tapping sounds go louder. “Cara!” Lu Han sees the bathroom’s light is on. There is a scorch of hope, but the flame of fear is brighter than any other emotions he can feel. “Cara! Answer me!”

 

He thinks he must be going out of his mind for breaking and entering the bathroom when there’s a possibility that a young woman is taking her bathe, but he does it nonetheless. And what he sees is beyond his expectation.

 

Although somehow, his heart voices this quiet sound that maybe Lu Han has expected it coming after all. He was just too naive not to trust his gut when he knew he should’ve.

 

Lu Han remembers well how white the tiles of his bathroom are.

 

He also recalls how the bathtub was dry and empty, when he left it this morning.

 

And for a moment there, Lu Han is certain that this morning, just at the exact minutes before he took his leave, Cara said, “I’ll be alright by myself.”

 

So that doesn’t explain why his bathroom tiles are now smeared with the color of red.

 

That doesn’t explain why the bathtub is filled with cold, red water.

 

That also doesn’t explain why Cara is lying there, and frozen in the bathtub, with her head hanging on the side of it.

 

And that’s not just red. That’s the color of blood.

 

I’ll be all right by myself. You can go, Lu Han.

 

The world has stopped making sense to him.

 

***

HAHAH WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST WRITE I AM SO SORRY NOT ONLY IS SHE SUFFERING FROM PTSD SHE IS ALSO DEALING WITH SCHIZOPHRENIA (OR NOT, I DON'T KNOW LOL) I AM SO DONE I DID NOT INTEND TO WRITE THIS DEPRESSING BUT OH WELL

It will take a while until I can post another update for unnerving because I'm going to be busy writing another chapter for baek's story (marzorie25 if you're reading this, it's all gonna be yours BB)

Thanks for reading I AM NOW GOING TO CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP GOOD NIGHT