Temper

Unnerving (The Marriage Life of Mr. Byun: Lu Han's Side Story)

TEMPER

 

 

“Yah, Baozi! I’m coming in~” Lu Han said before he barged into Kim Minseok and Park Chanyeol’s room in SM University’s Dormitory. “Yoo-hoo, yoo-hoo! Mr. Lutastic is in the house yo!”

 

Minseok, who was busy trying to finish his final thesis, his seat and faced him with drowsy eyes. “Not in the mood to talk, Lu Han. Can you please go?”

 

“What? Whyyyyy? I wanna hang out with my favorite Baozi~” Lu Han started to whine like a brat, letting himself into the room without permission. He walked over passed the grumpy Baozi—who just sighed at the sight of the wild deer entering his room because he realized once Lu Han made up his mind about something, there was nothing he could do about it.

 

Lu Han plopped himself down on the edge of Chanyeol’s messy bed. “Where’s the doofus, by the way?”

 

“You mean Chanyeol?” Minseok exhaled tiredly, eyes back on his laptop’s screen. “He’s right over there.”

 

“Right over where?” Lu Han asked, looking around the small place. The room only had two beds with some unwashed pillows on top of them, a chair and a desk, and a few comic books scattered around the floor, but somehow the place felt too crowded for Lu Han to breathe already. And the Chinese boy wasn’t fond with the fact that their beds didn’t have headboards. Lu Han felt immensely grateful that his bed wasn’t like that because it would be quite inconveniencing to have on beds without headboards. Lu Han just loved to handcuffs their hands to it during… well, that. But let’s talk about that some other time.

 

Lu Han turned his body around and discovered a huge, human-sized lump on the other side of the bed. He pulled the blanket away and found Park Chanyeol hiding under it. The 184 cm tall boy was curling up into a ball and there was a pout on his face.

 

“What the hell are you doing?” Lu Han asked, staring at him with judging eyes.

 

Chanyeol looked away and buried his face in one of his pillows. “Minseok-Hyung won’t let me borrow his comic books.”

 

Lu Han snorted. “So you’re sulking?”

 

“I’m not sulking,” he said, but he actually was. “I’m just trying to find some peace in my bed. And I’m not a doofus. Minseok-Hyung is a doofus.”

 

Minseok calmly replied, “You’re a doofus.”

 

Lu Han chimed in, “Let me make it easy for you two, okay? You’re both idiots and I’m the only one here who’s brilliant and mature enough to behave like a normal college dude.”

 

Chanyeol pouted even more. “I behave like a normal college dude too.”

 

“Chanyeol, please,” Lu Han said, “You’re currently sulking just because your Hyung doesn’t want to lend you his comic books. You’re basically a five year old.”

 

Chanyeol looked up and shot him this childish glare before he snatched his blanket back from Lu Han and covered himself up with it again. “Go away, Hyung.”

 

“Oh my God, Baozi,” Lu Han called, “just let him borrow your damn comic books.”

 

“No. He’ll ruin them again,” Minseok simply answered, not even bothering to glance at him. He was typing something on ms word when he added, “They’re expensive and rare. Collectors editions, man. Sorry.”

 

Chanyeol threw his blanket away and sent this disgustingly cute puppy look to Minseok’s back, practically begging on his knees. “I promise I won’t get them wet again, Minseok-Hyung, pleaseeeee~”

 

“No.”

 

“But then I won’t know what happened to Iron Man after—”

 

“No.”

 

“Can’t I just take a look at Captain America’s new—”

 

No.”

 

“What about Wonder—”

 

“No means no, Chanyeol.”

 

With that, Chanyeol curled himself up into a ball again, grumbling and lightly punching the wall like a kid. “Stupid Baozi.”

 

“Respect your elders, Park Chanyeol.”

 

“Oh God, why am I surrounded by children?” Lu Han asked, sighing as he threw his hands in the air. “Whatever. Ain’t my problem. Yo, Baozi, I came here to ask you something.”

 

Minseok was too busy concentrating on his laptop that he probably didn’t hear what Lu Han just said, but the Chinese guy just continued anyway.

 

“So I think I have this huge crush on her lately,” Lu Han said, “I think I really like her, you know? I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I need your help to get close to her. I’ve literally chased her around campus, I’ve learned math for her, I’ve even dyed my hair pink today and she still hasn’t noticed me yet. I’m like that cheesy girl in those Japanese mangas I once read who always goes ‘I hope Senpai will notice me’.”

 

Chanyeol burst out laughing for a second there but immediately shut his mouth back and pretend to be angry and sad over the fact that his hyung wouldn’t let him borrow his comic books.

 

Turned out, Minseok was actually listening to Lu Han’s words. And apparently, he was not happy with what he was saying. “You don’t even know her name, Lu,” he responded bitterly.

 

Chanyeol, who couldn’t keep his interest and curiosity away, peeked from under his blanket and tugged at Lu Han’s shirt. “Luhannie-Hyung, is this about the Algebra Girl?”

 

Lu Han swatted his hand away. “Yeah, but this is a conversation between adults. Go play some ball outside or something.” When Chanyeol complained in respond, Lu Han continued his discussion with Minseok. “Of course I know her name, Minseokkie. It isn’t that hard to figure out. I just had to ask some people about her. Though, surprisingly, she’s not that well known around here. And here I thought that she would be like celebrity famous because have you seen that face? Damn, Miss Korea 2010 right there!”

 

“She’s an introvert. Well, a little bit, at least,” Minseok added, finally turning around on his seat to face his friend properly. “So you think she’s pretty, huh?”

 

Lu Han’s eyes twinkled. “Oh, I think she’s amazing.”

 

Chanyeol nodded, his head was still half covered with blanket. “She is very pretty indeed. But my girlfriend is prettier.”

 

“What girlfriend?” Lu Han teased. “The one you just forced to do with you, that girlfriend?”

 

“Yah!” Chanyeol blushed until his face was flaming red. “If it wasn’t because of you and your stupid book, we wouldn’t have done that kind of thing!”

 

“Well, you said you needed my help!”

 

“Yeah I did, but then you shoved Kamasutra down my throat!”

 

“I didn’t force you to - your girlfriend though, so—”

 

“SHUT UP!” Minseok screamed, yanking his hair with his hands. “I’m TRYING to write my thesis for God’s sake and I CAN’T concentrate because you two keep talking about and and I beg you two to just. Shut. The hell. Up!”

 

Lu Han grinned mischievously. “You just wrote the word ‘-’ in your thesis, didn’t you?”

 

Minseok rolled his eyes and brought his focus back to his laptop, trying to ignore his presence.

 

Lu Han was giggling. “He totally did,” he said, whispering to Chanyeol with another childish laugh. When the taller one didn’t respond, Lu Han flicked his temple and said, “Yah! Park Chanyeol! That was funny, laugh with me.”

 

“No, it wasn’t,” Chanyeol grumbled back, sinking deeper to his pillow. “And my girlfriend is still prettier than your algebra girl.”

 

“No one asked about your goddamn opinion,” Lu Han said, throwing a pillow against his face. “Didn’t I tell you to chase butterflies outside or something?”

 

Chanyeol jutted out his lower lip in the most disgustingly adorable way. “Did Baekhyun teach you how to be mean?”

 

“I’m actually meaner than he is,” Lu Han responded casually. “He’s just sassier than me.”

 

“Okay, okay, you win,” Minseok said as he turned to face him one more time. He took a deep breath to calm himself down before he spoke. “Since you won’t shut up, I guess I’ll have to listen to your problem so you can get out of my room as soon as possible.”

 

Lu Han clapped his hands happily. “Yippiiieee~ Finally got Baozi’s full attention!”

 

Minseok didn’t let a second to waste. “What do you need me for?”

 

“I want you to help me to get close to her,” Lu Han replied, but then, quietly, he added, “But first, maybe I should ask you if you’re okay with all of this? I mean, she’s your friend and—”

 

Before he could even finish his words, Minseok already cut him off with a sharp tongue, “I’m not going to let you go near her, Lu Han.”

 

Lu Han almost laughed because he thought that was a joke, but then again, Kim Minseok hardly ever joked around about anything. And his tone was also dead serious when he said the line, so maybe he wasn’t joking at all.

 

Lu Han cleared his throat. “And may I know why?”

 

“Because you’re a womanizer. And on top of that, you’re very insensitive when it comes to people’s feelings, and the worst part is you don’t have any respect whatsoever for women.” The way Minseok said it was so smooth and easy, without any hesitation.

 

Chanyeol hissed and softly said, “Oh buuuuurn.”

 

Lu Han slammed his knuckles to the top of his skull until Chanyeol was whimpering to his pillow. He leaned closer to Chanyeol’s pointy ear and whispered, “Back me up on this, Yeol, and I’ll steal one of his comic books for you.”

 

Chanyeol sat straight up. “I think he should be with her, Minseok-Hyung,” he said, trying to look convincing. “I mean, Lu Han-Hyung is a great guy and—”

 

Minseok sent ice daggers with his eyes. “Shut up, Chanyeol.”

 

“You’re on your own, Hyung,” Chanyeol patted Lu Han on the back and retreated to his previous spot, hiding under his blanket once again.

 

When Lu Han was slapping the younger one’s head again, Minseok said, “I’m sorry I said that, Lu Han, but I won’t take it back. No offense.”

 

“How is that not offensive?” Lu Han asked, looking like he wanted to laugh but deep down inside, he was a bit upset about everything. “I know you’re always honest with me, Baozi. That’s what I like about you. But don’t you think that’s a bit mean?”

 

“Minseok-Hyung is always mean.”

 

“Shut up or I’ll punch you again, Yeol.”

 

“Lu Han,” Minseok called, his voice wise and unwavering. “We’ve been friends since the first semester. You’re a great friend, really. You’re loyal, you’re honest, and even though you’re selfish for most of the times, there are moments when you put their needs first before yours. I’m honestly glad to have a friend like you.”

 

Lu Han waited. “But…?”

 

“But,” Minseok sighed, looking at him with these weary eyes. “Like I said, you treat girls like nothing. I don’t want you to get near her because I don’t want her to get hurt.”

 

“But you’re okay if I’m the one who’s getting hurt instead?” Lu Han snapped.

 

Minseok shook his head and answered, “No. Of course not. I never want you to get hurt, but come on, Lu, you’re just having a simple crush on her. Not being with her won’t hurt you. It might piss you off, but that’s it. You can get anyone else you want.”

 

“But I want her.”

 

“Does she want you?”

 

“I don’t know, I haven’t asked.” Lu Han didn’t realize that the tone of his voice had been continuously rising with every word he spoke. “I thought I should ask you first because you’re her friend and I don’t want to make anything awkward between us. I didn’t think I’d get this kind of crap from you though.”

 

Minseok heard the clear anger in Lu Han’s voice but he tried to ignore it. “I’ve known her since high school and she’s very naive and innocent, Lu. She’s like my sister. I don’t want guys like you to ruin her and turn her into something that she’s not.”

 

Lu Han scoffed loudly. “You don’t even know what I’m going to do to her. I’m not going to sleep with her and ditch her on the next day like you think!”

 

Minseok gave him a look, and sarcastically replied, “Yes, because that’s not something you always do, right?”

 

Chanyeol nibbled at his blanket. “Another buuuurn.”

 

Lu Han didn’t even care about Chanyeol’s comment anymore. He came here to get some support and permission from his best friend to get close to her, but instead of that, he got this kind of insult.

 

“Look, Lu Han,” Minseok softly started again, “To be fair, I’m not only acting like this around you. I always get over-protective towards her. I know that well, you don’t have to tell me about it. Every time I see some guys who only want to use her for , I always try to get her away from them. She’s a really nice girl, Lu. She’s fragile and easily broken.”

 

Lu Han snorted loudly. “Don’t talk about her like she’s made of glass. I think she’s stronger than that—”

 

Minseok’s voice was deep and cold when he growled, “Don’t talk about her like you know her.”

 

“Retreat now, Hyung, retreat now!” Chanyeol whispered, hiding deeper under his blanket. “A bad-mood-Baozi is never a good Baozi.”

 

But Lu Han, being the stubborn person that he was, didn’t hold himself back. “But what if I’m not like those guys?” Lu Han asked. His voice sounds stiff. “What if I really want to have a proper relationship with her?”

 

Minseok stayed quiet and locked his gaze with Lu Han’s unswerving eyes. “I want to believe you,” he said, “And if you were crushing on any other girl, I would totally support you. But not her, I’m sorry. You’re a charming guy, Lu. I know you can dance your way into her heart if you try. I’m just afraid of the possibility that maybe she’ll love you too much the moment you decide to leave her. I can’t afford that to happen to her.”

 

Lu Han couldn’t help but to frown for a moment there. Then he asked. “Is that how you see me? A guy with no responsibility at all? A guy who can walk away from her just like that?”

 

It was when Chanyeol started tugging on his shirt again that Lu Han noticed he was starting to yell at Minseok.

 

The said guy only kept on looking at him with steady eyes until he looked tired and rubbed his temple. “Then go ahead.”

 

“What?” Lu Han asked, a bit caught off guard.

 

“Go ask her out,” Minseok repeated, looking a bit unpleased with his own words. “I won’t help you, but I won’t hold you back either. Tell her how you feel and let her choose.”

 

Lu Han his lower lip. “And what if she says she wants to be with me?”

 

Minseok looked restless and worried for a moment there, but then he sighed and shook his thoughts away. “Then I’ll let you have her,” he finally said, but when Lu Han’s lips formed a smile, he hastily added, “But, if you hurt her, I swear to God, Lu Han, I won’t ever let you get away with it that easily. Do you understand me?”

 

Lu Han could sense the seriousness in his tone, but to make the tension less awkward, he threw a playful grin and stuck his tongue out. “Yes, Dad~”

 

“I’m serious.”

 

“Okay, Dad~”

 

“Promise me you won’t hurt her.”

 

“I promise, Geez!” Lu Han said, rolling his eyes. “What else do you need?  Want me to write it down on a piece of paper with my blood or something?”

 

Minseok actually looked like that wasn’t such a bad idea.

 

“I’m kidding, oh my God,” Lu Han immediately said, standing up from the bed and stretched his arms above his head. “Daaaamn, I think this was the first time I got lectured this long by you, Minseokkie. And that’s saying something.”

 

“I’ve had worse,” Chanyeol grumbled, still eyeing the comic books that were lying idly on the floor. Funny that Minseok wasn’t letting him read them because he was afraid that the comic books would get ruined. It wasn’t like he actually took a good care of them.

 

“Stop sulking and go have cute vanilla with your girlfriend,” Lu Han said and playfully punched Chanyeol’s head before he walked to where Minseok was sitting. He bent down a little so they were at eye level. Lu Han was grinning when he asked, “Any last thing you want to say before I go and steal her heart away?”

 

Minseok just coldly stared at him, clearly not fond of Lu Han’s choice of words. “I don’t have anything else to say, but I want you to keep something in mind.”

 

“Yes, Mr. Kim?”

 

“She’s never been in a relationship before,” Minseok said and Lu Han blinked twice in surprise.

 

“So she…” Lu Han cleared his throat before he continued. “So she has never dated anyone before? Like ever?”

 

“No,” the other guy responded.

 

“Whoa…” Lu Han nodded to himself. “That’s huge then. And she’s lucky, I have to say.”

 

“Why?” it was Chanyeol who asked, and he cowered back to his spot when Minseok glared at him.

 

“Because,” Lu Han said, standing straight with a playful grin on his face. “She’s a and I have so many experiences in—”

 

The wrathful look on Minseok’s face made Lu Han’s next words crumble into nothingness.

 

“Retreat! Retreat!” Chanyeol shouted again.

 

Lu Han gulped. “—in taking girls out for a nice dinner. And when I say ‘dinner’, I really mean like eat bulgogi and stuff, not eating girls’—I mean—Whoa!” Lu Han jumped out of Minseok’s reach just when the latter tried to grab him by the collar. “Easy there, squishy bun. No need to get violent.”

 

“Lu Han,” Minseok gritted his teeth, “I swear to God—”

 

“I know, I know!” Lu Han exclaimed, hands surrendering in the air. “I promise I won’t hurt her, okay? I won’t touch her, not if she doesn’t want me to. You can trust me on this.”

 

Minseok tried to look for the honesty in his eyes.

 

“I swear on my life I won’t hurt her, Kim Minseok.”

 

It took a few mind numbing seconds before Minseok finally nodded. “Fine.”

 

“Okay,” Lu Han chirped happily and pinched Minseok’s chubby cheeks with his fingers. “Now who’s the squishiest baozi in town?”

 

The older one looked displeased and slapped Lu Han’s hands away. “Jesus, get away from me.”

 

“Love you too, Baozi,” Lu Han giggled, pecking him on the cheek before he went his way out.

 

Minseok was flabbergasted. “You did not just kiss my cheek, Lu Han!”

 

But Lu Han was already out of reach. He had a smile on his face, humming lightly because of how excited he was. He had finally gotten Minseok’s permission and now he had a confession to do.

 

It really felt like a slap on the face when the answer he got for his “Please go out with me” question was “I’m in love with Kim Minseok.”

 

That was when Lu Han had his heart broken and the pieces taken away by her for God knows how long.

 

***

 

Lu Han has never felt so weak, so broken, and so useless in his entire life.

 

But today, kneeling in front of the girl he loves, he becomes worse than that.

 

After all the things he’s been through—after seeing her and talking to her for hours, days, and weeks even—Lu Han realizes that he still doesn’t know the first thing about her.

 

About her feelings.

 

About her problems.

 

About her past.

 

He doesn’t even know what’s happening to her now even when he’s barely a half a meter away from her.

 

“Cara,” Lu Han says, voice breaking at the end as he falls to the floor. “I don’t know what to do… Tell me how to help you…”

 

But there’s no answer flowing out from her pale, chapped lips. Cara leans her head to the wall, and her eyes are closed, looking just as peaceful as a baby in her sleep. But her broken nails scream otherwise. The bottle of Paxil on her palms shows the opposite. And the dry tears on her cheeks break Lu Han’s heart even more.

 

Everybody left… But Lu Han, you came back… I thought you’d left me too…

 

“Oh God, I should have looked for you that night,” Lu Han whispered to himself as he buried his face on his hands. “I should have left the meeting sooner. I should have been there with you just like how I did in other nights. I’m so stupid—Cara, I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…”

 

Lu Han pulled his knees to his chest and buried his face in them, biting his lip to keep himself sane and calm. He kept praying and praying for her to wake up again, for her to open her eyes and hear him out, even though Lu Han doesn’t want to give any excuses—not because he doesn’t have, but because he doesn’t want to give himself the satisfactory. This is all purely his fault, and he’s going to take responsibility for it like a man.

 

That is why, Lu Han scrambles to his feet and makes up his mind. He bends down, and very carefully places one hand on Cara’s backside while the other one tries to hold her up by the back of her knees. The second he lifts her body up, Lu Han notices how light and this she is. It’s not normal and very unhealthy for someone to be this thin and he hides a whimper in the back of his throat.

 

Lu Han gently carries her in his arms before he puts her down on her bed. This is the second time Lu Han is able to touch her like this—the first time was when he hugged her at Minseok’s wedding—but he doesn’t feel happy at all. All he can think is how fragile and hurt she looks at the moment. He only wants her to be all right.

 

He pulls her bedcover up until it covers most of her body and keeps her warm inside. He notices how shaky his fingers are when he gently pushes some off her hair out of her face.

 

Lu Han finally takes her hand, holding it tightly with both of his larger ones. He breathes in, and breathes out, but now matter how much he takes the air to his lungs, he still feels like he’s suffocating. Like he’s drowning. And the surface is just there, but he can’t reach it.

 

To him, the sea is endless.

 

To him, the air means nothing.

 

His heart feels like it’s about to explode and he’s never felt this much pain before. And it should be funny, because he’s not the one who’s hurting. He’s not the one who’s desperate enough to consume drugs to stay insane. But he feels like he is.

 

Why do you have to suffer like this, Cara?

 

He kneels beside her bed, bringing her hand closer to his lips as he speaks prayer to her soft skin.

 

“You will be all right,” he says, closing his eyes as he makes his vow. “I will do anything to keep you safe. I promise.”

 

***

 

“I want to talk,” Lu Han announces the second he meets Cara’s sister and her husband face-to-face. “I want to talk about her.”

 

The lady looks slightly nervous and Lu Han wrinkles his eyebrows when he notices how red and puffy her eyes are—as if she’s been crying for the time Lu Han isn’t here. “Yes,” she says, taking a seat beside her husband at the nearest couch. “There’s something we want to talk about to. Have a sit.”

 

Lu Han accepts the order and sits in the opposite couch. “What’s happening to her—”

 

“Stop,” her husband, the man with the permanent scowl on his face, interrupts him, “It’s best if you just shut up and let us do the talking.”

 

Lu Han tries to hold himself from glaring back at him. He wants to be polite, but the man is giving him a hard time considering how he treats Lu Han like a child when he’s already twenty-seven years old. “Fine,” Lu Han says, his jaws clenching.

 

The Lady sighs, looking extremely tired as she drinks her tea without offering Lu Han any. “Lu Han, you have to understand that it’s been hard on us,” she started and Lu Han holds the urge to scoff. “My sister is unstable. She has been. I thought she’d be fine after she got back from rehab, but actually she’s not. She’s not getting any better—at least not without her medicine.”

 

“You’ve never—” The moment Lu Han tried to speak, her husband glared viciously at him, but he cleared his throat and tried to wave away his icy stare. “You keep saying how she’s mentally sick and everything else, but you never really taught me what is she suffering from.”

 

“It’s because I’m not sure what’s wrong with her,” she replied, sighing again. “Her psychiatrist said that she wouldn’t open to speak, no matter how many sessions they had together. She doesn’t want to open up to anyone. Her psychiatrist only told us that she was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder or something.”

 

Lu Han has known all along. He’s done his research, he has his guess, but that doesn’t mean he wants it to be true. Even if he has anticipated this kind of answer, Lu han still grips the edge of his seat until his fingertips go white and pale. “PTSD,” he breathes out. “She’s suffering from PTSD.”

 

“Yes. A severe one,” she explains, “As you can see, she’s been avoiding people. She gets scared easily, and she starts screaming when someone gets too close to her. She doesn’t want to be touched. She thinks everyone wants to hurt her. She’s…” She taps her finger to the bottom of her cup. “She’s crazy.”

 

Lu Han remembers the way Cara screamed at him when he tried to hug her on their first meeting at the pastry house. “She’s not crazy,” Lu Han sternly corrects her. “Stop calling her that.”

 

Her husband scoffs loudly. “Aren’t you a gentleman?”

 

Lu Han doesn’t even spare the man a glance. “Why is she like this?” he insists in asking, trying to control his anger while he does that. “Did something bad happen to her?”

 

She judges him with her eyes. “The only bad thing that happened to her was her failed marriage. That was the beginning of everything.”

 

“And why did her marriage fail?”

 

The man beside her throws a mocking laugh. “Aren’t you supposed to tell us that?”

 

“Excuse me?” Lu Han asks back. He pats himself on the back from being able to restrain himself from snapping something like ‘Oh, so I’m allowed to talk now, Your Majesty?

 

“You’re the one behind all of this, right?” the man continues. “You’re the guy who ruined her marriage. She was having an affair with you, wasn’t she?”

 

Honey,” The lady says, placing a hand on her husband’s large one. “Calm down. I’ve talked to him. He really doesn’t know—”

 

“Why the are you taking his side?” the man snaps back, dragging his eyes to her.

 

“I—I’m not,” she stutters, looking afraid. “It’s just that—”

 

“He could’ve been lying to you!”

 

“Y-yes, I know, but…” She wets her lips nervously. “Look, it doesn’t even matter anymore if he was the guy she was seeing. It’s not going to fix whatever’s left between us and the Kim family.”

 

“So you’re just going to pretend everything’s okay?” Her husband was yelling at her at that point. He has his index finger pointed right at Lu Han’s frowning face. “If it wasn’t because of him, Woo Bin would’ve stayed with her and we’d live easily with his money—so don’t you tell me to calm down!”

 

Lu Han is about to stand up and stop him before everything gets worse, but Cara’s sister tells Lu Han to stay seated in his couch by her eyes.

 

“Honey, it’s no use to talk about it now—”

 

“But this guy right here ing ruined everything for us! Him and your ed up sister should pay for everything!”

 

Lu Han waits and waits, but he really, really can’t take this any longer. He doesn’t want to be blamed for something he doesn’t do. And there is no way Lu Han can stay calm when the man speaks about Cara like that. So just right after his wife tries to calm him down, Lu Han blurts out the things he shouldn’t have said.

 

“Don’t talk about me as if I’m not here!” Lu Han shouts with voice piercing like a knife. He glowers hard at the man who’s twice his size. “If you have anything to say to me, say it to my face.”

 

The man laughs derisively. “You think you’re so tough, aren’t you, Mr. Lawyer?”

 

Lu Han keeps his mouth pressed tightly because if he doesn’t, he knows he’d be barring his teeth like a wolf right now.

 

“Look, I don’t know what happened to her or her marriage,” Lu Han says, voice sharp and frightening like a thunder and the man immediately looks at him with daggers in his eyes. Lu Han doesn’t stop on his account. “I’d been in China for almost three years and I just found out about her marrying someone a few weeks ago. So you better stop trying to blame someone else for mistakes that were probably caused by yourself!”

 

The man stands up from his seat, taking Lu Han’s collar by force before the smaller guy can duck away. “What did you just say to me?” he asks, bringing Lu Han to his feet by force.

 

“I’m not scared of you,” Lu Han says, staring straight to the other man’s eyes and showing him that he means his words. There’s no trace of fear in Lu Han’s eyes—just pure hatred and malice; the two things that Lu Han isn’t proud of. He grits his teeth when he adds, “Just because you can do whatever the hell you want with your wife and her sister, doesn’t mean you can treat me in the same way.”

 

You—” The man raises an arm, and in the blink of an eye, he lungs his fist to Lu Han’s face. The smaller one sees it coming, succeeding in dodging the hard punch with such little effort even when the man is holding him by the collar.

 

Lu Han takes the other man’s wrist with one hand and twists it over, making the taller one grunts in pain and takes his hand off Lu Han’s collar by reflex. Lu Han doesn’t give him the satisfaction by paying him back with violence, though. He just stares daggers at his eyes and says, “Resorting to fights when you can’t win an argument is pathetic. And that’s low, even for you.”

 

Seeing how Lu Han can dodge him so easily and taunt him like that with his words, the man grows even more furious. With face radiating with anger, he’s ready to send him a hard blow across his jaw but his wife tries to stop him from being so violent and in a split second, the man turns around and hits her right on the face, screaming “SHUT UP!” as he does so.

 

Lu Han loses it.

 

Everything goes in a flash. Lu Han doesn’t know what’s gotten into him. His own eyes don’t seem to catch every movement he just made, but now that the blood has flows down from his head, he sees the man lying on the floor, groaning and holding his bleeding nose with one hand. There are fresh bruises along his jawlines as well. Lu Han is still straddling his legs with one hand on his collar while the other one is covered by the blood that isn’t his.

 

The Chinese man snaps out of it when Cara’s sister shouts, “What the hell is wrong with you?!” She shoves Lu Han away from her husband and scrambles to his side, helping him with his broken nose. Lu Han tries not to stare at the fresh red blood that flows from it and tries to forget the cracking nose he made when his fist met the bones.

 

“I… I was—” Lu Han’s eyes move back and forth from the man’s injury to the blood on his knuckles. “He was hurting you, so I—”

 

“Can you please just go?” the lady asks with a shaky voice. Her eyes are b with tears. “I beg you.”

“But...” Lu Han takes a step back, a little bit afraid of what he has become. “Your sister is... I can’t leave her like this.” He raises his chin, standing straighter. “I won’t leave her.”

 

 She wipes her hot tears with her fingers, before she says, “Then take her with you.”

 

“W-what?” Lu Han gapes, eyebrows knitted in confusion.

 

“Just let her stay with you for a moment. I don’t care who you really are, or what you did, but I know you care about her. We already have so much things to worry about and her staying here will only make everything feel worse than it is, so please.”

 

Lu Han doesn’t need to be told twice. He’s about to take her away by force anyway. There’s no way in hell he would let Cara stay in this kind of environment.

 

Lu Han hurriedly drags his feet upstairs as he wipes his bloody knuckles on the hem of his shirt, and he winces when he notices the bruises on them. This is the first time Lu Han has ever punched someone so hard like that and he’s not regretting it at all. Three years of learning martial arts finally seem to have some use.

 

Cara is still sleeping like the dead on her bed when Lu Han comes barging into her room. He tries to be quiet, and as he picks her up with his arms, Lu Han keeps apologizing to her even though he’s sure she’s not hearing a word from his mouth. For the first time in his life, he prays to God not to let her open her eyes for the time being. He doesn’t want her to freak out from him touching her and carrying her in his arms like this. He doesn’t really have a choice, to be honest.

 

Cara falls weak in his arms, and Lu Han tries to hold her head against his chest with one arm. No matter how serious the situation is, Lu Han can’t force his heartbeat to slow down from being this close to her.

 

It’s not the time for that, Lu, it’s not the time for that.

 

Lu Han carries her downstairs with gentle steps. The girl in his arms doesn’t make a single move, already drowning too deep in her sleep and it breaks Lu Han’s heart once again as he remembers that it must be the after effects of the Paxil pills she brought into her system earlier.

 

“I’m going,” Lu Han states, voice cold and eyes stern as he faces Cara’s sister. Her husband is nowhere in sight and Lu Han lets himself breathe in relief. She has tiny dark spots on the right sleeve of her shirt that she got from trying to fix her husband’s broken nose.

 

“You should,” she says in return, almost just as cold. Lu Han doesn’t wait a moment longer to leave, but just when he opens the door, the lady adds in stutter, “T-thank you for doing this. I don’t have anyone else to ask.”

 

Lu Han turns around to see her directly. “You don’t have to thank me for anything. But you should apologize.” Lu Han points his chin to the girl sleeping in his arms. “To her.”

 

He sees the way her jaws clench, but she doesn’t do as he says. Instead, she asks, “She’ll be safe with you, right?”

 

“Safer than staying here, that’s for sure,” Lu Han retorts back, and he honestly doesn’t mean to hurt her feelings by it. He’s just stating the truth, and apparently the truth hurts for her to accept. He notices how her eyes grow sad but for the first time ever, she smiles—genuinely this time—and says, “You’re right.”

 

Lu Han stares at her for a second too long, and he knows it’s rude to stare but he can’t help it. This lady gives him complicated feelings, and Lu Han doesn’t know how to feel about her. He hates her for treating Cara like dirt, but he also owes her one for at least giving her a place to stay after her foster parents disowned her for ruining her family’s name. And maybe, just maybe, this lady is actually kind—it’s her husband that’s not.

 

“You know,” Lu Han says, “I’m not telling you to leave, and I respect your decision to stay with your husband even when he treats you like this. I know you’re stronger than you look. But you always have choices. If he doesn’t respect you, maybe it’s your cue to leave him. No matter who you are, or what you did, he doesn’t have the right to treat you like that.” Lu Han turns on his heels, starting to take a step away. “You deserve better, Ma’am. That’s all I want to say.”

 

It’s after Lu Han takes the third step that she gives out her reply. “I know you’re not the one who ruined her marriage, Lu Han. You respect women too much for that.”

 

And Lu Han smiles. A very broken one.

 

If only you knew how I was years ago.

 

***

 

 

“Hyung,” Sehun called, putting on his blazer and checked his hair one more time in the mirror before he went his way to attend his high school’s graduation ceremony. “Luhannie-Hyung.”

 

“Hmm?” Lu Han looked up after he uncharged his iPhone and brought it back inside his pocket. “What now, Sehun-ah? We’re about to be late, hurry up.”

 

“Hyung,” Sehun turned around and faced the older one properly. Lu Han was already dressed sharply in black khakis and licorice colored long coat, but his hair was still a mess and Sehun didn’t bother to ask him to fix it because he knew Lu han was doing it on purpose. “Hyung, if I die, would you cry at my funeral?”

 

“What the—” Lu Han inhaled sharply and blinked in surprise. Clearly, he predicted something along the line ‘Does my hair look okay?’ or something—he did not see this question coming at all. “What the hell are you talking about?”

 

“I’m asking you,” Sehun repeated, “When I die, would you cry over my death?”

 

“You’re being ridiculous,” Lu Han responded flatly as he took Sehun’s coat in his hand and raced to the door. “Come on, Sehun-ah, your parents are waiting downstairs—”

 

Sehun didn’t budge. “Then answer me, Hyung.”

 

Lu Han sighed and rubbed his temple. This always happened between the two of them. Sehun could be so stubborn and selfish that whenever he wanted something, Lu Han just had to provide it to him. And the giant brat wanted his answer now. “Why do you want to know anyway? Are you secretly dying or something?”

 

Sehun shook his head. “No.”

 

“Then stop asking question like that,” Lu Han scolded, gesturing him to follow his action. “Come on, we’re going—”

 

“You never cried, Hyung,” Sehun said, stopping Lu Han’s moves. “I’ve known you for my whole life, and I have never, ever seen you cry. Sometimes, when things got too much, I saw your eyes getting glassy and red, but you never let the tears fall. You always tried to hold them back, tried to pretend that everything was okay—tried to comfort people around you even though it was your heart that was being broken. Why do you do that, Hyung?”

 

Lu Han stared at the younger one without having the ability to talk. Sehun always seemed to know the right words to say to him but not at the right moment. Lu Han had been in a good mood today, but then Sehun had to ask depressing things like this.

 

And without him wanting it, the glimpse of Cara’s face entered his mind.

 

Then Minseok’s.

 

Then both of them together. Laughing and loving each other, while all Lu Han could do was just staring at them from the dark.

 

Lu Han tried to keep his emotions in control. “It’s not your business, Sehun-ah,” he said, forcing a smile, “Besides, haven’t you ever heard that old saying? ‘A man can only cry three times in his life—‘”

 

“It’s not just about that, Hyung,” Sehun rejected his lecture, “It’s about showing people how you truly feel.”

 

Lu Han faked a laugh. “Sehun, you can tell how I’m feeling just from looking at my face.”

 

“Yes,” Sehun agreed, nodding slightly, “but not because you’re displaying your emotions on your face, but because I’ve been friends with you for so long so I can always tell whenever you’re smiling but actually hurting inside.”

 

Lu Han smiled, and shook his head in disapproval. “That’s not true—”

 

“You’re doing it now,” Sehun stated and Lu Han’s smile faltered away. “You’re smiling, trying to keep the conversation light and casual, but I know I’m making you uncomfortable. And I know how you actually feel every time you say things like ‘I wish she could be together with Baozi’. You’re a liar because—”

 

I am not a liar,” Lu Han gritted his teeth, “Don’t talk to me like that. They’re my feelings. You don’t get to say a word about them.”

 

Sehun didn’t want to make him angry, of course he didn’t. But someone needed to say this straight to his face, because even though he claimed to be honest, Lu Han had always been lying to himself. “Hyung, you don’t tell lies, yes I know that. I know how you appreciate honesty and things like that,” Sehun softly said, sounding gentler this time. “But you’re lying to yourself—”

 

“Sehun—”

 

“Hyung, please,” Sehun begged, launching an arm to rest on top of Lu Han’s right shoulder. “Hear me out first. You’re too nice, Hyung. You don’t want to lie to anyone because you don’t want to hurt people. But you lie to yourself. You wanna know why I’m saying that?”

 

Lu Han didn’t answer. He just stare coldly at Sehun’s eyes, but the younger one stood his ground and didn’t waver away.

 

“Let me ask you,” Sehun continued, “Have you ever told anyone else about your situation with your family?”

 

Lu Han waited a couple of seconds before he exhaled sharply and shook his head.

 

Sehun put his hand down. “Not even to that girl you treasured? I thought she was your childhood friend.”

 

“She is,” Lu Han said.

 

“You don’t trust her?”

 

“No, of course I do. I trust her with my life.” The way Lu Han ended his line made the other boy want to ask more. But Sehun didn’t say anything; he just waited patiently. “It’s… I don’t tell her about my family not because I don’t trust her.”

 

“Then why?”

 

“It’s because I don’t want to make her worry about me.”

 

“So when she asked you what was wrong, what did you tell her?”

 

A silence. Then, “I told her: I’m okay. There’s nothing wrong. Don’t worry about me.”

 

Sehun didn’t say ‘see? There you go. You’re lying’, instead he pulled the slightly shorter boy into a small hug that lasted not more than three seconds—just casually wrapping a comforting arm around his shoulders. When he let go, Sehun gave small pats on Lu Han’s shoulders.

 

“Sometimes, Hyung,” Sehun said, smiling softly, “When you think that it’s okay to lie about how you’re feeling inside just so people won’t worry about you, you’re actually hurting them.”

 

“Why?” Lu Han asked.

 

“Because you make them feel unimportant,” Sehun answered, bringing his hands down. “Because you make them feel like you don’t trust them enough. Because you make them feel like they don’t mean anything to you.”

 

Lu Han opened his mouth, but no words came out from it.

 

“Hyung,” Sehun started again. “I’m standing here as your friend, not because I want to always have fun and be spoiled by you. You’re nice, Hyung. That’s the problem. You’re too nice. You don’t let people help you.”

 

“Maybe I don’t need help,” Lu Han said, somewhat bitterly.

 

“Everybody needs help, Hyung. The difference is whether they’re brave enough to ask or not.”

 

Something dangerous glinted in Lu Han’s eyes. “Are you saying I’m a coward?”

 

“No,” Sehun didn’t waver. “I’m saying that you don’t know your own limit. You’re strong, I know you are. You tried to deal with your family situation by yourself. You talked about that algebra girl to me, and no matter how sad you looked when you talked about her, you always tried to cover it with a smile in the end. You’re already at your limit, but you keep pushing yourself. It’s not healthy. You don’t have to keep your entire burden to yourself, Hyung. You have me. You have her. You have your friends.”

 

Lu Han drowns himself in silence, trying to forget every word Sehun just said, but he couldn’t find the strength to do so.

 

It was Sehun who broke the awkward silence and took him by the wrist as he walked to the door. “Come on, Hyung, we’re going to be late.”

 

Lu Han followed him with unfocused mind, before he snapped out of his thoughts and smiled to the back of Sehun’s head. “Maybe I should start telling her about my true feelings for my algebra girl, huh? She’s my favorite dongsaeng, after all.”

 

“Maybe, you should.” Sehun chuckled. “And hey~ I thought I was your favorite dongsaeng, Hyung.”

 

“You’re my family, Oh Sehun.”

 

Sehun smiled to himself. “I can live with that.”

 

***

AAAAAH I wrote this in a rush, so please forgive me if there are some typos or grammatical errors in it. I have to go back to my homework now hahaha I didn't think I would post an update today but I feel kind of guilty for putting you guys off for so long so here it is! I hope you enjoyed Mr.Lutastic and his crazy friends! Woot woot!

Oh and just so you know, Minseok loves Luhan, allright? and he's not mean, he just wants to protect Cara because well, you know 'crazy' Luhan was in college, right? LOLOL

and yes, Chanyeol is THAT childish. I actually have a friend who's a grown man that still acts like that. Believe me.

your comment keeps me alive guys :) pleaseeee....

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Patrissia #1
Chapter 27: Ahhhh still my fave fanfic ever!!
m_nanakim
#2
Chapter 27: Still waiting for an update ♡
SnowExoBang #3
Chapter 1: Omgggggg I’ve always loved the raw, bare words and expressions you put into your work!! I laughed my off even at the saddest moments ????
ShoveItUpMy
#4
Chapter 27: This story is amazing but The looks like the author dropped this fic since it hasn't been updated since 2015
Taemeyyaaaa #5
Chapter 27: Please update huhu. I really can’t wait what will happen plsss
Hanna14
#6
I’m rereading this in 2017 .. i hope you’re okay author
Taorislove #7
Chapter 3: Can't wait to continue reading this, My heart is already breaking for Luhan :(
xoxoangie
#8
Chapter 27: Still not giving up on this masterpiece. You make me fall deeper for luhan by reading this story. Still waiting for you dear, patiently, hopefully ?