Two Lost Souls Swimming in a Fish Bowl

Two Lost Souls Swimming in a Fish Bowl

There’s a consistent beeping sound in the room when Donghae regains consciousness. Unlike the first time, he doesn’t have the need to ask questions because he knows exactly where he is and he’s also quite certain as to why he’s there. He blinks a couple of times and groans when he feels a sharp pain in his back. He hears a door open and close.

“Hae,” An old, gray-haired man wearing glasses approaches Donghae with a basket of fruits. He puts it down on one of the bedside tables and slowly eases himself on the chair in front of it. He then places his hand on Donghae’s. “How are you?”

Donghae turns his hand over so his palms meet the other man’s. He then grasps the soft, wrinkly flesh, the way they had felt over fifty years ago still fresh in his mind. Not that he wants those times to come back—they had both lived out their friendship to the fullest and are both quite satisfied with what they’ve created—but of course, it’s inevitable to be reminded of the more youthful days. 

Donghae smiles up at his friend and says, “I’m fine now, Hyukjae. Thank you for visiting me,”

“You’re being silly again, you dried fish,” says Hyukjae in a slight teasing tone. “Why wouldn’t I visit you? This isn’t the first attack you’ve had this month…”

“This would be the third, yes,” says Donghae softly. He feels Hyukjae’s fingers kneading his hand. “But you didn’t have to come. Really. Your daughter just arrived from Japan, didn’t she?”

Hyukjae nods. “We were able to eat dinner together last night so it’s fine for me to be here. She’s going to visit later today; they still have a few things to take care of in their new house,”

“They grow up way too fast. Last time I saw her she was in college and fretting over some skinny kid who—,”

“—Who turned out to be one of the best engineers in the field, and now they’re happily married with two beautiful children,” continues Hyukjae who is well aware that his best friend has hated that boy since Hyukjae’s daughter had cried over him in front of her grandpa Hae. “I doubt he’s going to tag along with her later,”

“If he’s really smart he’ll know what and what not to do,” says Donghae. He squeezes Hyukjae’s hand. “Hyukkie, you brought apples?”

“Apples, oranges, grapes, and peaches,” Hyukjae lets go of Donghae and stands up to start going through the fruit basket. “And strawberries for me,” He gets a couple of apples and the plastic-covered Styrofoam of strawberries and takes them to the small kitchen present in the room. With a knife already present there, he cuts the apples into wedges and removes the strawberries’ leafy tops after washing them for a few seconds in running water. He arranges the fruits in a bowl and goes back to Donghae. “You better eat up,” He uses his right hand to feed a piece of apple to Donghae who bites off half. “You don’t want to come back here soon,”

Donghae chews for a while before speaking. “Where’s Sunye? Is she with the children?”

Hyukjae nods. “I saw Tian and Hai with her, but I haven’t seen Yun yet,”

“He must be taking care of the hospital bill,” Donghae coughs dryly. Hyukjae rubs his chest to soothe the pain, and waits a few seconds before Donghae opens his mouth again and the second half of the apple wedge is consumed. Hyukjae takes a bite out of a big strawberry and Donghae opens his mouth while looking at the bitten fruit. Hyukjae is surprised at first but a smile finds it way on his lips.

Donghae may be a seventy-year-old retiree with a wife and three kids who have all become adults with their own families, but he himself hasn’t grown up. Hyukjae is thankful. Maybe the hands of time have never moved after all, not that much, at least. He sighs and lets Donghae have the rest of the strawberry.

“Hyukkie…”

“Yes, Hae?”

Donghae swallows everything inside his mouth. “Let’s play the ‘What If’ game,”

“The ‘What If’ game? Aren’t we too wrinkly for that?”

“But I don’t even remember the last time we played it. C’mon, hyung, for old times’ sake,”

Hyukjae pops a small strawberry in his mouth and eats it quickly. “Oh alright. Who goes first?”

“I will,” answers Donghae with a small smile. “Um……What if we’d never met? What would be different in your life?”

Hyukjae pauses to think, looking up at nothing in particular. Donghae puffs up his cheeks, a habit—alongside pouting—that through the years has never left him. He raises both of his eyebrows when his best friend turns to him once more, expecting a good answer.

“What would you like to hear: the funny answer or the serious one?”

“What? Ah, why are there two answers? Just one, Hyukkie, just one,” says Donghae, lengthening the last syllable until he’s whining and Hyukjae can hardly believe that a senior citizen can still get away looking cute doing such a thing.

“Serious it is,” says Hyukjae in defeat. He wipes his wet fingers with a handkerchief and answers, “If I hadn’t met you, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t have been in Super Junior if not for you—I would’ve given up during our days as trainees,”

Donghae frowns. “What do you mean? What do I have to do with that?”

“Well, to tell you the truth, there have been so many times that I wanted to give up, to quit the company and training altogether. That desire especially escalated when Junsu was picked to debut and I wasn’t. I felt really bad about it even though he was my best friend. I was…jealous, but more than that I was disappointed with myself. I thought I would never be good enough to be picked out of everyone else. But then…you were there,” Donghae’s eyes widen a fraction. “You remember what happened?”

“Hyung! Hyung!” A young, bouncy Donghae pounces on Hyukjae from behind with what looks like a flier in one of his hands. “Are you free right now?”

Hyukjae turns away from Donghae, seemingly refusing to show his face. “No, I’m not, Hae, so please leave me alone,”

“What? Why?” Donghae doesn’t move from where he is but follows the older boy with his eyes. He lets out a pout which quickly disappears when he hears a sniff coming from Hyukjae. He gasps upon realizing the situation and jogs next to Hyukjae who has his head bowed low enough that his chin has met his neck. Donghae grabs both of his friend’s shoulders to stop him from walking further. His heart breaks when Hyukjae looks up at him with a red, tear-stained face. “Hyung…”

“Junsu……debut…” is all Donghae needs to hear for him to pull the older boy into a bone-crushing hug, a desperate attempt to calm the thin, shaking body. Hyukjae’s forehead painfully digs into Donghae’s shoulder and his grip on Donghae’s arms are too tight for comfort but Donghae allows it—maybe Hyukjae’s pain will transfer to him. Donghae notices the other trainees starting to take notice of them so he lets go of Hyukjae, takes his hand, and leads him out of the building through the back door. Down the steps they go and onto the sidewalk.

Hyukjae wipes his tears with the back of his hand and turns his head left and right. His arm is outstretched because Donghae is walking much faster than usual. Hyukjae looks ahead and sees that they are approaching the area near the SM Entertainment building where there is an abundance of shops and stalls. Donghae doesn’t say a thing until they reach an establishment that Hyukjae has never seen before. 

It is then that Donghae turns to his friend and says with a bright smile, “We’re here now so you can’t run away,”

“Wha—?”

Donghae holds up the flier he’s had in his hand. “They opened yesterday and I was going to invite you to come with me but you were so busy with training,” Donghae uses his free hand to push the glass door open. “But now you have nothing to do, right? Our date can commence!”

“Donghae, I really—,”

“Welcome to Mean Cream Machine!” greets the lady behind the counter. Hyukjae sighs because they’ve been seen and it would be rude to leave at that point. “What would you like to order?”

“Pick two flavors, Hyukkie,” whispers Donghae. “Let’s get the pint-sized,”

Hyukjae narrows his eyes looking at the menu. His eyes inflate into circles and, stepping in front of Donghae and facing him so the lady doesn’t see his face, he silently mouths, “It’s too expensive. I don’t have money right now,” 

Donghae’s smile only widens. “Don’t worry your cute little head,” He leans forward and pecks Hyukjae on the tip of his nose, making Hyukjae blush in shock and embarrassment. “I’ll pay,”

“What’d you do that for?” demands Hyukjae, still flushed. He presses his palm where he had been kissed and glares at Donghae’s hair because its owner is busy peering through the glass display to look for good ice cream to wolf down. “You are so disgusting,”

“And you’re beautiful so just order already,” He takes Hyukjae’s wrist and points at an unusually blue concoction labeled ‘True-Blue Berry’ and a more normal-looking ‘Chocolate Meltdown’. “I’ll have those two. And you?”

Hyukjae checks his options with the blush on his face ever persistent. “Um…I’ll have the So, So, So Strawberry and the Fake Cheesecake,”

“Perfect choices,” says the lady-behind-the-counter and starts taking big scoops of each flavor into a pint-sized plastic cup. Hyukjae and Donghae try not to giggle at the mutual suspicion that the saleslady has to say that to every customer even if deep inside she thinks their taste buds are a load of crap. “Here you go,” Donghae takes the cup after paying and Hyukjae grabs napkins and small, yellow, plastic spoons. They sit at the far corner of the store where people won’t see them though it’s not like they’re superstars or anything. Not yet.

“Okay, let’s go to the arcade,” declares Donghae the second the ice cream is gone and on the other hand makes a certain top dance trainee’s stomach ache a bit. “I heard that they’ve set up five new games today,”

“But Hae—,” Hyukjae still doesn’t get to finish his sentence of protest because Donghae is pulling him out of the store without so much as a glance to the saleslady who greets them goodbye. Seven minutes later, curses and insults are shooting out of their mouths while their eyes are stuck to the screen and their hands are crazily pressing buttons and pulling on joysticks. An hour later, they’re laughing their hearts out in the bookstore (never mind the customers and salespeople who are giving them the eye) over comics and almost drooling at their sunbaes who seem to have mastered the art of covering up their normally awkward selves and replacing them with flawless images. 

Donghae sneaks a look at his friend as Hyukjae is browsing through the idol-filled magazine, and it makes Donghae’s heart swell when the other notices something interesting and smiles his gummy smile at it. Hyukjae’s tears are gone…and it’s all because of Donghae.


“I only knew you were upset but not jealous,” says Donghae. “But it’s okay, Hyukkie. We debuted, didn’t we, and together, too. Tell me you’re happy because that happened,”

“I’m happy and relieved,” says Hyukjae. He takes another apple wedge, a tinier one, and Donghae eats it whole. “I can’t imagine having been placed in another group. I would’ve turned out a completely different person if that had happened. Alright, my turn, isn’t it?” Donghae nods. “Let’s see…” Biting his slightly chapped lower lip, he thinks of a question that he thinks Donghae will have a hard time answering. “What if…I had been born a girl?”

“What if you had been born a girl what?”

“What if I had been born a girl…would you have dated me?”

Donghae keeps silent for a few seconds. A smirk of amusement appears on Hyukjae’s face but it disappears right away when Donghae replies.

“Of course. But I would’ve dated you as you are if you’d just asked me out in the past,”

“……W-what?”

Donghae puts on that unique did-I-say-something-wrong-because-it-sounded-right-to-me expression of his. “Why wouldn’t I? I like everything about you, that’s why I’ve never stopped following you,”

“…But I’m male, Donghae,”

“So? You’re a human being, aren’t you? If you were a monkey or something and I dated you, now that would be wrong,”

“Well what about other people? Aren’t you going to be worried about what they’ll say?”

“I don’t think I’ll notice them anyway since I’ll be so preoccupied with you,”

A blush that has not invaded Hyukjae’s aged face in quite a while does so at Donghae’s statement. He lowers his head and pushes a large strawberry between his lips with his thumb. 

Donghae and his accidental pick-up lines: deadly back then, and even deadlier now.

“Hyukkie, apple,” says Donghae with an innocent grin. While he is feeding the sick man, Hyukjae recalls a small moment involving him, Donghae, and the word ‘girlfriend’.

“So have the fans approved yet?”

“Of what?”

Donghae hastily shoves a spoonful of cereal in his mouth, causing a small amount of milk to dribble down his chin. “Our marriage,”

Hyukjae freezes in the middle of gathering rice between his chopsticks. He clears his throat and, reaching out a bit, wipes the milk off of Donghae’s face with a few swipes of his thumb. “That was a joke, Hae,” He then kisses the digit to get the milk off instead of wiping it with a napkin. “You know how the fans go crazy for those things,”

Kyuhyun, who had been eating heartily while watching a scene fans would kill to know about happen in front of him, speaks. “Jokes are half-meant, and to see is to believe,”

Hyukjae and Donghae turn to look at him, the former raising an eyebrow and the latter raising both. Kyuhyun smirks.

“Just to give my two cents on the matter, I think the fans not only approve of your marriage but are also more than willing to pay for the wedding ceremony. Oh, and the honeymoon, too. So, if I were either of you, I’d start planning so the fans can get to arranging everything,”

“Oh, oh, where do you want the honeymoon to be, Hyukkie? I was thinking we could just rent out an entire island; I’m pretty sure I’ve read about one somewhere…”

“Sounds like a very romantic idea, hyung,”

“Yeah, let’s do that,” says Hyukjae with as much enthusiasm as a typical college kid presented with a Calculus book to read. “Hey, Hae, I still have to get you that shirt from the other day, right?”

“Yeah, hyung. Is it alright? I really won’t have time to buy it this week,”

Eunhyuk takes two large gulps of water. “I’ll get it for you before we head for recording this afternoon,”

“Should I give you money now?”

“Nah, I’ll take care of it,”

“Donghae-hyung,” says Kyuhyun with his eyes on the wall clock. “I think you’re going to be late for the shooting if you don’t go right now,”

Donghae twists his body to check the time and his eyes grow as big as plates when he realizes that the youngest member is right. “Yikes! See you later then, or tomorrow,” He gets up and eats the rest of the cereal as he walks to the kitchen. He dumps the bowl and spoon in the sink and, before leaving the apartment, slips a hand on the back of Hyukjae’s neck and kisses him at the very top of his head. “Thanks, hyung,” Hyukjae puts up an open hand for Donghae to high-five but instead, Donghae puckers up for the second time and his lips hit Hyukjae’s nails. “Bye, Game Kyu,” He takes wide strides out of the apartment.

A moment of silence takes place in the apartment once Donghae is gone. Kyuhyun coughs. Hyukjae looks at him.

“I’m really amazed, hyung,”

“Hmm? At what?”

“I’m amazed you haven’t fallen for him yet,”


“Hey old man, it’s my turn again,” Hyukjae snaps out of his thoughts when he hears Donghae’s voice. “Swear that you’ll answer this one seriously and honestly,”

“I will, I will,”

Donghae smiles and asks, “What if I told you that you’re the person I treasure most in my life—would you be able to say it back and mean it?”

Hyukjae blinks a few times. How could a simple question be so difficult?

It has to come from Lee Donghae’s mouth, that’s how.

“Hae, you know I have two grown kids and a wife. How could I—?”

“Yes or no, Lee Hyukjae—I can die happy once you tell me,”

“Well, I—,”

“Mr. Lee Donghae?” Hyukjae and Donghae turn their attention to the direction of the door and see the young doctor and a nurse come in. “Good evening. We need to check your vital stats and make sure they’re stable. You’ll also have to take your medicine,”

“Hyung, don’t leave,”

“You know I won’t,”

The doctor and nurse go to the opposite side of bed where Donghae’s dextrose and the heart monitor are located and do the checkup from there. Hyukjae resumes feeding Donghae apple wedges and strawberry halves (since he takes a bite before giving the rest to the other). He takes the bed remote and adjusts the angle of the bed a little when it becomes time for Donghae to drink medicine. After a few minutes, the doctor and nurse leave them to themselves once more. Hyukjae gives the last strawberry to Donghae and takes the last piece of apple for himself before washing the bowl and knife.

“Don’t think I’ve forgotten about your answer, Hyukkie,”

Hyukjae sits back down on the chair with a sigh. “It’s too difficult for me to answer right now,”

Donghae purses his lips and gives a slight nod. “I understand, but try to tell me what the answer is before something else happens to me,”

“I’d rather you not say things like that, Hae,”

“At our current age, we’re bound to face ‘the inevitable’,”

“It doesn’t have to be soon, though,”

“……That’s true…” Donghae feels a sudden tiredness wash over his entire body; he closes his eyes to relieve himself of it even for a while. “We’ve been friends for so long, Hyukjae,”

“Is nearly six decades long?” asks Hyukjae with a gentle laugh. “I could go on for more,”

“Me, too,” says Donghae, his lips stretching into a smile. “I didn’t think we’d be friends for this long, to tell you the truth,” He opens his eyes to glare at Hyukjae. “You and Junsu teased me from day one,”

For some reason Donghae can’t point out when he sees the gesture, Hyukjae places his hand at the back of his neck and laughs with a tinge of nervousness. “Ah…I guess I have some explaining to do…” Another blush creeps up his cheeks. “When I first saw you, you were singing in the corridor; I was really impressed. I wanted to come up and talk to you but I felt too awkward doing it on my own so I conspired with Junsu to tease you so that I could get your attention in a comfortable way,”

“……And you’re telling me this only now why?”

“Has there been any other perfect time to?”

“Fifty-six years, hyung, fifty-six years of being together and you haven’t been able to find the right time to relate that story to me?”

“It’s not that important, is it?”

“It is! I cried the first day we met!”

“…I didn’t know, Hae,” Hyukjae gently pulls Donghae’s left pinky finger, a subconscious gesture that he does when he’s apologizing. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry,”

“I’ll forgive you only if you give me a kiss,”

Hyukjae lets out a sigh; he had seen this coming. “You won’t ever get tired of asking for that, will you?”

“Not as long as I love you,”

“Oh fine, fine, just stop those saying those cheesy lines,” Donghae smiles in satisfaction when Hyukjae rises from his chair, leans over (carefully so as not to break his precious back), and firmly kisses him on the forehead.

“Mommy! Mommy! Grandpa’s kissing Grandpa Fish!” Both Hyukjae and Donghae jump at the high-pitched voice of one of Hyukjae’s granddaughters, Hyerin. The six-year-old runs back to the door and pulls at her mother’s skirt to make her come in more quickly. “Mommy! Did you hear what I said?”

Kyungsoon carrying Hyerin comes into view. “Yes, yes, sweetheart, but that’s perfectly normal,”

“But…but…they’re both grandpas! Grandpas should kiss grandmas, right?”

“Haven’t I told you many times before? Grandpa and Grandpa Fish love one another so they can kiss whenever they like, alright?”

Hyukjae reddens at his daughter’s statement and coughs to get her attention. “Soon-ah, you’re pretty early,”

“Jinho offered to do the rest of the furniture arranging so we can visit,” Kyungsoon puts down her daughter to sit beside Donghae with her legs over the edge of the bed. “It’s been a while, godfather,” She pecks him lightly on the cheek and pulls back with a smile on her face. “What did the doctor say?”

“They told me I might have to stay here for the rest of the week, but that will depend on what my condition will be two days from now,” Donghae checks the door area. “Thank you for visiting me, Kyungsoon-ah, but where’s Daehee?”

“She came down with a flu this morning so I couldn’t take her, but if she’s all better by tomorrow I’ll make sure she comes here,”

“Me, too, mommy! I want to come here with unnie!” says Hyerin all of a sudden. “Grandpa Fish, Grandpa Fish, I made a card for you,” The three adults watch as the small girl takes out a piece of crumpled blue paper from the right front pocket of her jeans and hands it over to Donghae with a toothy smile. “Unnie found the picture but I did everything else,”

“Thank you, Rin. Grandpa Fish is very happy,” It takes a few seconds for Donghae to see what Hyerin had written in the card. When he sees everything, Hyukjae recognizes the look of fondness that washes over his face. Donghae takes a moment before extending out his arm so Hyukjae can read the card. 

Hyukjae frowns suspiciously but takes the paper anyway and opens it. What he sees touches him and at the same time causes him to feel nostalgic. There is a large ‘Dear Grandpa’ on the card’s front with a drawing of a fish after the word ‘grandpa’. When opened, on the left side there is a printed photo of Hyukjae and Donghae all smiles and cheek-to-cheek, the one taken when Donghae had been a guest DJ on Kiss the Radio and Hyukjae had teased his best friend about their status as colleagues for about the nth time. On the right side is a message that does a little more than make Hyukjae’s heart jump.

Please be healthy. Grandpa also gets sick when Grandpa Fish is sick. He tells Mommy his heart hurts when Grandpa Fish is in the hospital. I love you. Grandpa, too. Hyerin.

Donghae Hyerin’s shoulder-length hair. “How did you know he gets sick, too, Rin?”

“I saw Mommy talking to him in the computer when we were in Japan,” answers Hyerin in an innocent tone. “Grandpa said Grandpa Fish got sick, and he was crying,”

“Hyerin!” says Kyungsoon, shocked at what her daughter has just said. “Mommy told you not to eavesdrop on her when she’s talking to Grandpa!” 

“It’s alright, Soon-ah, kids will be kids,” For some reason, Hyukjae’s voice has become softer. He places the card on the side table and gives Hyerin a pat on the head. “You did a good job, Rin. Would you like some oranges as a reward? Grandpa brought some,”

Hyerin nods. “I don’t want seeds, Grandpa!”

“I got the seedless ones, don’t worry,” Hyukjae effortlessly carries Hyerin and grabs an orange from the basket. “Let’s go to the sink and peel this; we don’t want ants crawling on the table and getting to Grandpa Fish—they’ll eat him for sure!”

“But why, Grandpa?” asks Hyerin with a giggle when her grandfather starts walking.

“Because he’s a sweet guy, even sweeter than sugar!”

“But…Grandpa’s sweeter because he’s the one who kissed Grandpa Fish!”

Donghae can’t help but smile at the exchange. He reaches for the card and can’t help but read Hyerin’s short letter over and over again.

It’s another secret of Hyukjae’s to treasure.

~

“We’ll be off now, dad, godfather,” says Kyungsoon after she and Hyerin give Hyukjae and Donghae a kiss each. “I’m not sure if I can visit tomorrow but I’ll have Daehee take Hyerin here as soon as she gets better,”

“Don’t force her, though,” says Donghae. “This grandpa is cool and doesn’t require his best friend’s grandchildren to visit him, no siree!”

“She doesn’t have to be forced when it comes to you, godfather—I think she loves you more than she loves me and her dad,” Kyungsoon takes Hyerin’s left hand and starts walking out of the room. “Say goodbye to grandpas, Rin,”

Hyerin does a little wave and clings to her mother’s arm. Kyungsoon carries her off the ground and leaves the room without another word. 

Hyukjae doesn’t move from where he is near the window; he doesn’t speak, either. Of course, it’s not as though Donghae needs to hear anything from his best friend to know what he thinks or feels—he just knowsright away. And so with a warm, assuring smile, he spreads his arms wide, asking for one of those things that Hyukjae has never hesitated to give because he, too, has needed it most of the time and Donghae has always been there to offer it to him. 

Hyukjae slowly approaches, with his head slightly bowed and a pinkish tinge dusting his cheeks, and allows himself to gently fall into the embrace. After a few seconds Hyukjae thinks of so many things, sees the same images that had come to him the moment he had heard Sunye’s panic-stricken voice in the telephone saying that Donghae had gotten another heart attack, that he had been rushed to the hospital, that he had said Hyukjae’s name several times until he no longer could. The fear and anxiety build up, crashing against Hyukjae’s chest in sharply painful waves; there’s nothing left to do but remove the pretentious blanket of courage he had wrapped around himself the moment he had entered the room…and cry against the warmth of Donghae’s shoulder.

Hyukjae sobs and whimpers, uncaring if someone walks in and sees him, lets it all out because it’s an excruciating ordeal to imagine the worst-case scenarios happening to someone as familiar as the back of your hand, someone whose sentences you can finish in the blink of an eye, someone you can’t help but think about at least twice or thrice a day depending on what time you wake up. Hyukjae catches the scent that belongs only to Donghae but that’s barely enough to convince him of things. He sits on the bed and covers Donghae’s torso with his, slipping his arms underneath the frail body to pull it as close as possible. Through his tears he focuses on the warm breath against his neck and the heartbeat drumming against the right side of his chest; Donghae is alive, he hasn’t gone anywhere. He’s not going anywhere.

“Stay with me,” says Hyukjae almost pleadingly. “Don’t…leave me yet. I know most of our hyungs are there now, even Junsu, but…be with me here… Don’t leave…without my permission,”

“I won’t…” Hyukjae tightens the embrace, causing Donghae to perceive everything else that has been unsaid.

I can’t be without you. 

I’m scared. I’m so, so scared.

I need you.

What do I do when you leave?

I’ll die if you do.

I love you.

I love you too much…to let you go.


Hot tears quickly run down Donghae’s cheeks. Death is a natural thing, a force that someone of Donghae’s age should no longer be afraid of because life has been good, life has been long, but at the moment, when Donghae has an armful of the heartbroken mess that is his Hyukjae, death is the most terrible thing in the world and he doesn’t want any of it. He shakily adds more pressure to his arms’ hold around Hyukjae’s neck to say everything back with actions just as they always have, just as they have preferred since words have become lacking in expressing their emotions.

You’re my reason for living.

~

Donghae doesn’t let Hyukjae sleep on the couch in the room. 

In the morning, the nurse finds the two old men lying side by side on the bed. Hyukjae has his temple against the edge of Donghae’s shoulder, and his left hand is gently clasping Donghae’s right. Donghae stirs a little but becomes calm again. The nurse opts to come back in a few minutes, not wanting to disturb a scene she has never witnessed before.

~

A week passes and Donghae remains in the hospital. The doctor has a short talk with Hyukjae who excuses himself when Sunye and all three of Donghae’s children enter the room, saying that he has to go somewhere and since they’re there, Donghae can have company. Also, Sunye has to seek out the doctor because he has news to give. Donghae knows something is wrong but remains silent. Hyukjae smiles at Donghae’s family when he passes by them and closes the door behind him. They’re on the tenth floor but Hyukjae takes the stairs. As he descends he tries to steady his breathing and calm himself down. When he reaches the fifth floor, he doesn’t go down further and sits on the first bench he sees in the hallway. He buries his face in his hands.

“He may have just a little over a month left to live,” says the doctor with a solemn expression. “His heart is much too weak now. However, we will continue to do everything we can to treat him; after all, miracles happen everyday,”

Miracle. When Hyukjae hears that word, just one song of that title comes to mind.

‘Till now, the time without you in my life has been full of darkness,
But ever since I met you, my life has been like a dream.
When I first saw you, a miracle.
I felt the miracle—it was you.


Those words couldn’t be truer and it hurts Hyukjae even more to think of them—he has indeed always felt a miracle right beside him. However, fifty-six miraculous years might stop, a fifty-seventh could never come, and Hyukjae just wants to run away and never have to find out what happens to Donghae because the depression will surely consume every part of him if things do take that certain turn. Then again, how could he possibly leave Donghae at the time he needs Hyukjae most? And, as much as he wants to ride the train of optimism that everyone in his situation is so eager to get on, he knows it’s nothing but another evasive tactic and it won’t really help once things fall apart.

Hyukjae doesn’t cry. There’s no need to. However, the tears he suppresses drowns the rest of him inside and, though the nurses in the first floor lobby see an old man leaving the hospital a few minutes later, they don’t see that he’s more if not as broken as all the patients in that place.

~

“Sweetheart,” Hyukjae looks up from the newspaper he had been reading and sees his wife, Ji Eun. Being seven years younger, she still has a part of her youth left reflecting in her pretty features. “I thought you were going to visit Donghae-ssi,”

“Sunye can take care of him,” Hyukjae raises the newspaper again and turns the page, its distinct crisp sound filling the air. “And I stayed there all of last week, didn’t I?”

Ji Eun sits down beside Hyukjae and touches his right hand, making him look at her. “Sweetheart……you don’t have to be here. Really. I know—,” She pauses, thinks, then lets out a sigh. “I know how worried you are about him so just…just please be with him,”

“Ji Eun—,”

“I’m begging you,” Hyukjae is shocked to see his wife’s eyes b with tears. “I’m not Donghae-ssi but I know you enough to see when you’re okay and when you’re not and right now…right now even while I’m talking to you, it’s still his voice in your head, isn’t it? Isn’t it?”

With a nearly inaudible sight, Hyukjae puts down the paper and turns his head away from Ji Eun. He feels her embrace him gently but he doesn’t move a muscle because as much as Ji Eun had been wrong about him hearing Donghae’s voice, Hyukjae keeps to himself the truth the she had failed to observe: when she had touched his hand, instead of the usual soft skin and thin digits, he had felt the roughness of someone else’s palm and calloused fingers.

~

Hyukjae feels as though his heart has climbed up his throat and decided to pump blood from there. Four days of not visiting or contacting Donghae has brought about a tremendous amount of guilt and nervousness. He stares at the silver doorknob for a good minute before grabbing it and slowly turning it. He quietly steps inside and closes the door with a soft click. Donghae’s voice saying three words causes him to freeze.

“Please be Hyukjae,”

Hyukjae’s hold on the bouquet of flowers he had brought tightens as he tries to keep things together. He goes through the six-foot length of the hallway leading into the rest of the room until Donghae and Sunye come into view. Sunye smiles and walks over to embrace him. Hyukjae hugs her back and at the same time makes eye contact with the other man. A small, toothless grin makes its way on his face when he receives the silent message.

“I knew you’d come back,”

~

After the three of them have lunch together, Sunye helps Hyukjae was the dishes while Donghae flicks through television channels. Several minutes later, Sunye finishes packing her bag and gives Donghae a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll see you in a couple of days, honey,” She turns to Hyukjae. “No funny stuff, Hyukjae-ssi,”

“What do you mean by that?”

Sunye narrows her eyes. Donghae snickers. “The nurse told me that the last time you were here, you and Donghae had made such a racket that some of the patients started complaining,”

“But honey, we were bored so we decided to play hide-then-peek-and-I’ll-throw-fruit-peelings-at-you-when-I-see-you,”

“If Donghae weren’t bed-ridden we would’ve done it outside,” adds Hyukjae with such a straight face that Sunye fails to give a proper retort. She settles for a shake of the head plus a defeated sigh before grabbing her bag and exiting the room. Hyukjae and Donghae burst into laughter at the recollection of their game that had lasted ten minutes before a nurse had come in and requested that they keep it down. 

Hyukjae is sure that he had heard her mumble, “The kid in the next room is more behaved…” on the way out, and he had smiled at that.

“I’m really glad, hyung,”

Hyukjae sits down on the usual chair. “Hmm? Why?”

“Because everything worked out in the end; all of our dreams came true. Even though we had to take a very difficult road to get to where we are now, we made it,” Donghae chuckles. “I would’ve never thought that I’d see my wife and my best friend doing the dishes together,”

“How about saying ‘my wife and my husband’?”

Donghae smiles gently. “That is rather appropriate. We did get married in Taiwan,”

Eunhyuk’s mental palm meets his mental face. “…Why did I even bring that up?” 

“It’s because you like the fact I got married to you earlier than I married Sunye,”

“That is not true,”

“Hmm. It applies to me, though,”

Hyukjae takes a second to process his friend’s words. “It does?”

With a nod, Donghae says, “I was against your marriage to Ji Eun,” Hyukjae becomes speechless. He has no idea where Donghae is coming from because if anyone had been there for the whole event—from the preparation to the wedding ceremony itself—it’s Donghae. The solemn look on Donghae’s face, however, is undeniably truthful. “In fact, I really hated her,”

“She said ‘yes’, Donghae! She said ‘YES’!” Hyukjae takes a step inside and quickly pulls Donghae into an almost suffocating hug and even jumps around a little bit. He releases his friend and starts pacing in front of him with an idiotic grin and his arms doing all sorts of gestures only Siwon has been seen sporting. “Oh my gosh, I still can’t believe it. I mean we’ve been going out for two years so our relationship’s pretty solid, but for her to accept my proposal is just—WOW!” He stops and looks at Donghae. “Wait here; I’m going to tell the others. You’re going to be my best man so I went here before anywhere else. Stay put! We’re going to celebrate!” He kisses Donghae’s right cheek in happiness and practically hops out of the apartment. 

Donghae follows Hyukjae with his eyes as the older man takes the stairs instead of the elevator. Five minutes pass by and he still can’t move from the doorway. He’s not sure what the emotion he’s feeling at the moment is but he’s numb because of it and he can’t quite think rationally. In addition, for the first time ever, he thinks Hyukjae’s smile is ugly.


“I saw her as someone who was going to take you away from me,” says Donghae in an as-a-matter-of-fact tone. “I thought that if you married her—or anyone else, for that matter—our friendship will end just like that. But, it didn’t, and only on the day of your first wedding anniversary did I fully accept her as your wife,” He bites his lower lip and is unable to look at Hyukjae straight. “…..I have secrets, too, but they’re terrible so I’ve never told you about them,”

“Donghae…” Though he starts speaking, Hyukjae draws a blank for the continuation of his sentence. He remembers all the things that Donghae had done for him and Ji Eun before and during the first year of their marriage: he had found the perfect wedding planner for them, had given an extremely generous wedding gift, had helped them find a good house, and had even been the one to take Ji Eun to the hospital when it had been time for her to give birth since Hyukjae had been away. In all those instances Donghae had looked happy, very happy, and it eats away at Hyukjae to realize that he had never seen the mask that his best friend had been wearing in all that time. He also feels angry with himself for not having been more aware of Donghae’s feelings. What kind of best friend is he that he has unsuccessfully seen through Donghae’s cheerful facade? What has he been doing all the while that, despite Donghae’s confession, it still doesn’t make sense to him because he has never felt that sort of aura from him? And since when—?

“Hey…” Donghae’s fingertips touch Hyukjae’s face. “Am I not the one who’s supposed to feel bad here?”

Hyukjae traps Donghae’s hand between both of his and presses the back of it to his face. The warmth is soothing and inviting, just like Donghae himself. He then presses a kiss on the bony knuckles with his eyes closed. Donghae doesn’t flinch, doesn’t say anything, but his face scrunches up when he feels the other man shaking.

“I’m sorry,” Because of Donghae’s hand blocking his mouth, Hyukjae’s speech is distorted but it’s crystal clear to Donghae’s ears. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m—,”

Donghae rolls onto his side to caress Hyukjae’s thin head of hair, aware that the dextrose line is stretching to its limit.

“We’re both very happy now, we’re still best friends, so there’s no need to apologize,” He pauses. “Let’s spend the rest of our retirement days being a hundred percent honest with one another. Yeah, let’s do that, before we join our hyungs and regroup in the next life,”

Hyukjae smiles and looks back up at Donghae, a pursed smile on his face. “Let’s,”

It’s revelation after revelation and secret after secret that they share for the next few days, some of them embarrassing, some painful to hear, but most of them are beautiful, significant. Donghae had written a song for Hyukjae on his twentieth birthday but had been too shy to sing it even to Hyukjae himself (“Where is it?” asks Eunhyuk, to which Donghae blushes and says that the music sheets are among his files at home.). Eunhyuk had seen Donghae crying by himself in washroom during their trainee days and had wanted to comfort him, but because they had not been very close then, he had looked for one of Donghae’s buddies and sent him to do so instead (“So that’s how he knew!”).

Each day a promise is fulfilled, a wrong made a right, a meaningless gesture turned a priceless treasure.

At the same time, each day brings Donghae closer to the end. Knowing that, Hyukjae does certain little things. He makes sure not to fall asleep before Donghae, and he doesn’t forget to take Donghae’s hand in his before closing his eyes. He lets Donghae win in rock-paper-scissors when they have to decide who gets to eat the last piece of meat, and when he fails at that he changes the rules and feeds the reward food to the other man before he can be questioned. He makes sure to wake up early everyday to buy Donghae fresh fruits and sugarless snacks, and every other day he would buy a bouquet of new flowers to replace the ones in Donghae’s room.

What he likes doing the most, though, is telling Donghae everyday that he loves him. The first time had come out as a soft stutter followed by a quick bathroom break, but the next ones come out more naturally and more comfortably, with Donghae smiling and saying the words back with an additional hug or a kiss on the face.

On the last week, every “I love you” is followed by tears. Because for some reason, they both know the storm is coming. Because for some reason, sleep doesn’t bring dreams but a certain question.

Will they both still be breathing when the sun rises?

~

It’s a Thursday.

Hyukjae goes to the washroom to use the toilet. He’s washing his hands when he hears his name and the heart monitor’s beeping pace increase. He doesn’t bother to wipe his hands dry and goes out right away. He sees Donghae taking quick, shallow breaths, his hand tightly clutching his chest. Hyukjae presses the nurse call button and does what he can: he holds Donghae’s free hand tight in his and tells him that everything’s going to be okay, that the nurse and doctor will come in a few seconds. Donghae has his eyes shut tight and Hyukjae sees a tear escape from the right one. Just then, help arrives and Hyukjae can only stand a few feet away and watch as the doctor and two nurses do their duty.

Donghae’s fist is clenched the entire time.

In the end, Donghae’s condition becomes steady once more. The check-ups will have to be done more frequently, says the doctor. 

After Hyukjae calls Sunye to tell her what’s happened, he approaches Donghae. He remains standing, Donghae’s dominantly white hair and observing the tiredness in the other’s old but nonetheless very handsome face. All of a sudden, he realizes the selfishness he’s been putting out all that time. 

Asking Donghae to stay is asking him to continue suffering. 

With tears welled up in his eyes, Hyukjae takes a deep breath. He puts a hand over Donghae’s and leans down until his lips are an inch away from Donghae’s ear. His face scrunches up and he feels his chest bursting with so much emotion, but he keeps himself calm and whispers three words. 

Donghae’s hand twitches. 

Then, Hyukjae says seven more words, pronouncing each one with all the sincerity and love he has in him. He pauses slightly between each word, wanting to make the moment last as much as possible. When he finishes, Donghae’s eyes quickly shoot open for a moment, but they close together with the sound of the heart monitor going flatline.

Hyukjae doesn’t get in the way of the nurses and the doctor when they rush back in to try to revive Donghae. He sinks to the couch and completely breaks down. Donghae is gone, never to return, because Eunhyuk had let him go, had finally allowed him to. 

As much as he’s happy to think that Donghae is already in a much better place, the pain of loss and loneliness is undeniable and it’s the only thing Hyukjae feels at that very moment.

“I love you,”

“…”

“Yes...”

“...You’re the one I treasure most,”


~

Daehee, who is seated around the dining table, looks up from her laptop to check on her grandfather who is right across from her but in the living room. Her mother had told her to keep an eye on him since he had not spoken a word since Grandpa Fish’s funeral. Her eyes become teary-eyed for the nth time upon seeing her grandfather’s expressionless face as he goes through albums and albums of photos of him and his friends, particularly his fellow Super Junior members. She can’t imagine how it must feel like to lose friends of so many decades.

Daehee watches as her grandfather pauses in the middle of one photo album and pick up two pieces of music sheets from the coffee table. He scans them for some time. Daehee’s eyes widen when they catch Hyukjae’s lips stretch just a little bit; she knows well that it’s the smile her grandfather has for Grandpa Fish.

For some reason, Hyukjae suddenly gets up from the couch, the photo album falling to the floor, and turns his head to the right, towards the glass door leading to the garden. With the music sheets in hand, he slowly walks in that direction. Daehee stands up and comes closer to see what is happening. From where she is, she sees the garden but nothing else, and yet her grandfather seems to be looking at something…or someone.

Hyukjae finds it illogical to question what he’s hearing and who he’s seeing at the moment. Not when it’s Donghae’s voice singing the song he had written for Hyukjae. Not when it’s Donghae himself.

Donghae is no longer old; he is a beautiful twenty-five-year-old with jet black hair and wrinkle-free skin. Strangely enough, though he’s wearing clothes, Hyukjae doesn’t know what to call them because their names are suddenly so insignificant compared to the fact that Donghae is right there flashing him the most beautiful smile. Hyukjae doesn’t slide the glass door open but merely looks on as Donghae opens his arms, asking for an embrace, inviting him to join him.

Donghae’s eyes turn into lines when his smile gets bigger.

Hyukjae breathes in.

Daehee sees her grandfather fall unconscious to the floor.

Ji Eun goes to the living room as fast as her legs allow her when she hears her granddaughter’s scream from downstairs. Both of her hands fly to cover in shock and disbelief. She goes to her husband’s side and starts crying when she doesn’t feel his pulse. Daehee, too, cries hard, but she immediately stops when she notices something she had failed to due to the horror she had initially felt.

Her grandfather had not let go of the music sheets.

And, there’s a pursed smile clearly painted on his face, a wider version of what she had seen moments earlier.
 

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, 
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.

- Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd
Like this story? Give it an Upvote!
Thank you!

Comments

You must be logged in to comment
mrandmrlee
#1
Chapter 1: The story was so sad but also beautiful..and i'm not joking when i say i was crying while reading this 😭
haeinmyheart
#2
this reminds me of The Notebook :((((((((
SUJU-x
#3
Chapter 1: This is so, so sad but beautiful. I'm crying 😭
Nininana1004 #4
Chapter 1: omg that is so beautiful and so sad omg I'm speechless akjdjs this is just so beautiful thank you for sharing this wonderful fic 💙
candlelight05
#5
Chapter 1: oh wow, a 9 years old fic just make me cry at 2 am
Az_StMd #6
Chapter 1: EL
MEJOR
FANFIC
DE LA VIDA
💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙
DorobbongHae
#7
Chapter 1: I'm shaking...I can't stop crying TTmTT I'm so ing sad... I...just....oh
TA2127
#8
Chapter 1: I can't stop rereading this even though it makes me weep. It's so beautifully realistic. Such a good one!!!
Kuropepa #9
Chapter 1: This still the most beautiful yet sad stories i’ve ever read! It always makes me cry?
sujudeux
#10
this hits home ngl