The moment my insider told me that Dara will be spending few days in Busan with her family, I immediately jump on the next flight going to that destination. I know I will receive endless scolding from YG sajangnim again but I really don't give a damn about it. All I care about now is to see Dara. I need to see her now even if it is just from afar.

Maybe you're wondering why I'm acting like this when in the first place I was the one who broke up with her. I was the one who mercilessly left her and ended our relationship through SMS. I'm such a jerk right? A big jerk who doesn't even have the balls to break it up with her properly. I know you are not interested to hear what I'm gonna say but I'm gonna say it anyway.

Dara, she is everything to me. She is my happiness, my world, my life. When my heart chose to love her, my life was never the same again. My heart, they were not mine anymore. Dara is the rightful owner of my heart. She is the only one who has the power to make my heart beat from too much happiness and beat in unbearable loneliness.

She inspires me to be the best that I can be. Since I am younger than her by four years, many people think that my feeling for her is not strong enough and it will totally fade as time pass by. We are a completely different person. We don't share the same interests and beliefs. But then love conquers all because despite our differences, our love for each other overcomes all those. We have our own world. A world where only our love for each other matters. A world where we only think of us and our future.

But just like Superman, I also have my own weakness. Yes, Dara is my strength but she is also my weakness. She is my very own kryptonite. I have never felt inferior about myself but when we became together, I always felt insecure. I know this is not Dara's fault because she has always made me fell secured. She never failed to remind me every day how much I mean to her and how much she loves me. What made me so insecure is the fact that I can't tell to the whole world that I love her so much.

My Dara is such a beauty and people around me especially men are very aware of it. Just in our company itself, I know that many are harboring a secret feeling for my Dara. Can you imagine all the guys who are dying to have my Dara outside YG?. I know it was very immature of me to do but I became possessive of Dara. I became so possessive of her I didn't notice that I am starting to suffocate her. My possessiveness also leads to me hindering her desire to do other things such as doing movie and drama projects with other actors and idols. I became so paranoid that her fanboy list will keep on growing so I purposely controlled her even on her career. I became a stage boyfriend for her.

But my Dara, she never complained. She keeps up with my insecurities and my manipulations. She did her best to understand me and doubled her effort of showing her love to me. But that was never enough of me. And so I started going back with my old ways again. If I say old ways, I mean the party animal Jiyong. And you know how it is in parties, people especially girls will always try to get my attention. I do admit that I enjoyed their attention because it temporarily nurses my bruise ego. In these parties, I never felt inept, I never felt unworthy, I never felt insecure. Media tag me as a Casanova but truth is none of those girls ever comes close to my Dara. You may see me partying with them, getting cozy with them or even flirting with them at one point but all of those were just an act. An act to get my Dara's attention.

I did all those to make Dara jealous. I want to assure myself if she still loves me. But I never get the attention that I was hoping for. Dara trusted me so much she never gets jealous. She trusted me so much she wouldn't even asked me who those girls were. She will just tell me to be careful. Can you imagine that, how can she not be jealous of what I'm doing with other girls? How can she stay calm with all the things I am doing outside our relationship. And so I decided to push my limit and test her patience.

Kiko Mizuhara, I can't even remember how I became acquainted with her. But I saw her as a perfect excuse to test Dara's love for me. I know I'm such a user and an for that but you will never understand what I feel not unless you experience the same things as I have experienced. Blinded by my desire to satiate my demanding love for Dara, I failed to realize that I have gone beyond my boundaries. I failed to realize that people around me are not objects that I can play with. I failed to realize that they are human and they have feelings too.

When Dara started showing signs of jealousy, I was so overjoyed. I stepped up my game on a higher level by purposely ignoring her messages and calls. The happiness that my heart felt every time I see the number of Dara's messages and missed calls is priceless. I was able to prove myself that my Dara still loves me. Yes no doubt, Dara still loves me.

The time when Dara saw Kiko in my apartment clad in one of my T-shirt, you may think that we just finished doing something censored. But truth is nothing really happened between me and Kiko. I know you won't believe me but I only saw her as a friend. I saw her as a lost soul who is need of guidance. So despite all her provocations and failed attempts at seducing me, I never end our friendship. I treated her as my little sister. In a way I can see myself in her. She was young, wild and ambitious.

I was in my room when I heard Kiko talking to someone. I thought I heard Dara so I went out of my room immediately. But I was really shocked when I saw Kiko sprawled in the floor with Dara towering over her. I don't know what happened next but the next thing I know Dara was on the floor. She had cut on her lips and blood is now slowly trickling on her lips. I wanted to console her but she scooted away from me. She won't even look at me. She was just there sitting on the floor trembling and very much broken.

Everything went chaos after that. Bom beat the hell out of me but I never defended myself. I allowed her to slap me and punch me in the hope that my sufferings will lessen the pain that I've inflicted on Dara. When they went out of my apartment I so want to run after her and apologize to her. I want to just hugged her and comfort her. I want to say sorry for being an but I never did any of those. That night I send her an SMS telling her that I'm ending our relationship. And that night my heart died.

I let her go not because I don't love her anymore. I let her go because I love her so much. I let her go because I need to protect her from myself. Yes, I need to protect her from me because honestly I no longer can recognize myself. I have transformed into someone I don't even know. I have become a monster.

I loathed myself so much. Every time I remember the things I did to her, I want to hurt myself. Every night I would always see her in my dreams crying and hurting. Every night the scene where I accidentally slapped her will haunt. The look in her eyes when I hit her will always haunt me wherever I go, whenever I live. Every breath I take will always remind me of how I became the man that Dara never wished for. From her dream guy I became Dara’s worst nightmare.

It took me all the strength I have not to see her. I so badly wanted to see her but I restrained myself. I broke her into tiny pieces already; I may inflict another pain to her if she me again. But I am such a stubborn and selfish man for I can’t help myself but see her from afar. I saw how from being broken, she struggled to survive. I saw how she put on a smile even if inside she is dying. I know how she pretended she's okay even if the truth is she is far from being okay. I know because I was checking her from afar.

A part of me dies every time I see her cry. Every tear that falls from her eyes are like daggers in my heart. You may be wondering why I am still alive despite all the multiple stabs that my heart has suffered. Do you want to know why? It’s very simple. A part of me doesn't want to die because I want to live each day suffering for the pains I've cause Dara. I want to live in misery and unbearable pain.

As months passes by. I saw how she has started to move one. Little by little she is starting to let go of our memories together. My heart is still hoping that she still loves me but I know a guy like me doesn't deserve her love anymore. I watched from the sidelines as she fulfilled one of her longtime dreams, that is to become an actress. Funny how I prevented her of becoming an actress, but I genuinely felt happy for her when she became one. Every day I would watch her. There was never an episode I miss. I ignored the nagging pain I felt every time I see her with other guys. I love her so much I have to endure the pain just to see her become the Sandara Park that I used to know. I want to see the smiling Sandara Park and not the suffering and hurting Sandara Park. I want her to become my butterfly again. I want to see her spread her wings and fly a greater heights.

But today, I really can't stop myself anymore. My mind was override by my heart. My heart was screaming for Dara so despite all the warning signs I followed what my heart desires. I followed what my whole being screamed and needed and that is to see Dara closely. I do not expect that she will let me see her but a part of me is hoping that she will at least give a chance. I’m not asking too much of her time, I will not even complain if she will only give me a minute. I will take everything that she will give me. I just want a little time with her. I just want to apologize for my mistakes even if it’s a little too late now. I just want to her again, to be with her again even if it is just for a little while.

[ You can listen to this while reading : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekzHIouo8Q4  ]

After landing in Busan airport, I went to the car waiting for me and instructed her to bring me to Dara's house. It is still early and maybe they are still sleeping so I was quite surprise when I saw Jaejoong walking towards their doorstep with plastic bags on his hand. I saw how he was warmly welcomed by Dara's mom. I also heard how he wants to cook something for them.

A bitter smile suddenly painted on my lips. Since when did Jaejoong become so close with Dara’s family? Since when did they accepted him in their house? I can’t help but remember the times when I would surprise them and prepare something special for them. I remember the times when they would praise me for being such a good cook. I remember the times when they would laugh at my funny antics, and most importantly I remember the times when they treated me as a member of the family.

I looked at Jaejoong who is now getting inside their house. That used to be me. That’s supposed to be me but because of my selfishness and stupidity, I unconsciously lose the privilege to be the same guy again. The guy who will take care and love Dara. The guy who will never hurt Dara. The reliable and trustworthy guy for their dearest Dara.

I waited patiently until I saw Dara and Jaejoong walk out of the house and just sit in the garden. I remember the times when we will just sit there and hold each other’s hands. I remember the times when we will lie down on the ground with the grass as our mattress and just stare at the sky. I remember the times when we will share our dreams to each other and the times when we will just talk about anything under the sky and not get tired of it.

Hey, that was supposed to be me right there. That was supposed to be me looking at Dara's eyes and making her smile. I was supposed to be the only one doing that to Dara. I saw them went inside the house. Like a sasaeng fan I waited outside her house patiently. Then I saw them go to Dara's car and went to another place. I stealthily followed them making sure that they never saw me.

My heart clenched in pain when I saw them having fun together. I saw how Dara introduced her to a new world. A new world where other people haven’t seen and only the privilege one will have a glimpse of it. I saw everything and my heart constricted with jealousy. Yes I am dying of jealousy here. And now I wonder, if the feeling I’m feeling right now ever comes close to the feeling Dara felt whenever I purposely makes her jealous. I wonder how she was able to handle her jealousy.

I remember how Dara would drag me to a new place. I remember how she would introduce me to new things. I remember how she would like to experience new things with me. I remember how she would always say that she wants her firsts to be always with me. She would always say that she want to make every moment memorable by spending and experiencing it first with me. But now she has found someone who she can share her passion with.  There she is having a quality time with someone.

 That's supposed to be me spending time with Dara.  That's supposed to be me making her laugh out loud. That's supposed to be me making her cry tears of joy. That's supposed to be me. But all I can do now is to look at her from afar. Am I just a part of your past now Dara? Am I just a part of your painful past that you have successfully forgotten?

My eyes started to get misty when I saw how Dara tried to teach Jaejoong Filipino words. My mind went back to the past when Dara would patiently teach me Tagalog words. I remember how her face would scrunched up from annoyance every time I failed to remember the words she taught me or pronounce the words wrongly. I am the only who should learn Filipino words from her. My heart was dying from anticipation if she will ever teach her the “Mahal Kita” words. Those words are for my ears only. Those words coming from Dara's mouth should be exclusively for me. To my relief Dara didn't teach her that, but my relief was cut short when I heard Jaejoong say those word “Mahal Kita”. I saw how Dara stiffened and suddenly blushed. My heart was screaming that I am the first one who told Dara those words. I am the first Korean guy who told her “Mahal kita”.

I felt like a hand squeezed my heart when I saw how Dara teach him her famous In or Out song. I laugh silently as I saw how Jaejoong struggled. Of course I am the only one who can sing it perfectly. I am the only one who can imitate her voice and her cute dance step. Do you know how I was able to master that song? Let me tell you a secret. You see, when we were still trainees, I asked Dara to sing and dance In or Out and in return I will be the one who will suffer her consequence in our game. While she was dancing I recorded it in my mobile phone. Up to now, it is still in my phone and before I sleep at night I watch it and sing along with it. After watching, I can’t help but fall in love with her again and again.

A tear finally escape my eyes and a sob escape my throat when I saw Dara hugged and kissed Jaejoong. No, please, just no. My heart refused to accept the fact that Dara did that to Jaejoong. My mind went back to the times when Dara would just suddenly kiss me and hug me. My mind goes back to the times when she would shower me with love and affection. My mind goes back to the times when I am the only lucky guy who can actually see and enjoy her sweetness and her warmth.

 In my mind I am the only one who deserves to be kissed by her. I am the only one who deserves her attention. But I ed up big time and all I can do now is to look at her from afar and reminisce of the times when I was still her man. When I was her everything. When I was her one and only. Her one true love.

I discreetly followed her to her place. I parked from a distance and watched her gets out of her car. I saw her stop momentarily and scan the place. Did she saw me? Did she felt my presence? My wishful mind is at it again. My heart is hoping that somehow Dara misses me even if just a little bit.

I took out the thing that has been resting in my pants pocket. I took it out and look at it closely. I marbled at its beauty and unique design. This is one of a kind, specially made for her.  Yes, only the best for her. Right before my very eyes is an engagement ring. An engagement ring for the love of my life. An engagement ring for my Sandara.

I was looking at the ring intently, contemplating on my next move.  I asked for a sign and patiently waited for it. I waited for a long time. I looked at the ring like it holds the answer to all my prayers. And just like in movies, the ring suddenly let out a blinding light. Its brilliance got my eyes close for a moment.  And that was all I needed. That’s the sign that I was waiting for.

With all the courage and determination I have, I put back the ring inside my pocket. I let out heavy sigh and willed my feet to move. My heart is beating so wild. Every step I make, I felt like my feelings will explode.

“It’s now or never Jiyong. It’s now or never.”

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Author’s note: I feel bad that I wasn’t able to write yesterday. I got distracted with the twitter happenings. This is dedicated to all the readers who still have faith on Jiyong despite of and in spite of everything.

Big thanks to all my readers and subscribers. Thank you also for those generous souls who never forget to leave their comments. When I run out of ideas on what to write next, I just read your comments and my mind starts weaving scenarios again.

If you love this story you can upvote it by going to foreword and clicking that arrow button beside the story’s title. Thanks again guys!!!!

Let’s spread Dara Love …… linlin_10 ^__^