Mark the date.

Tuesday- second week of school. 12:32 in the afternoon.

Taemin and I have lunch together.

That's not really a major milestone or anything, but I was quite proud of myself, having gotten up the courage yesterday during english class to invite him to eat lunch with me today in the courtyard. There was wonderful weather to accompany my wonderful mood. I couldn't believe that Taemin and I would be spending time together- just the two of us. Two guys, without an entire class around us going on. I wanted to use this time to really get to know him.

As weird as it may sound, I was actually relieved that Taemin seemed nervous right now, as we sat ourselves down at one of the tables they had set up outside. He took his school bag off of his shoulder and placed it in front of him on the table while I pulled out the lunch that D.O.'s mother had made for me this morning like she had been ever since I'd been staying with them.

When I noticed that he hadn't done anything further than putting his bag on the table, I got a bit confused. "Where's your lunch?" I asked. He looked up from the table and smiled sheepishly while pulling a small bottle of banana milk from being concealed behind his bag. "Here," he explained shortly.

I admit that made me laugh a bit. He was just too adorable for his own good- he was older than me but he still acted like a child and it was just too cute. "That's not lunch, silly," I commented lightheartedly. Maybe that's why he's so unnaturally skinny. I'd become convinced that it was just his body type to be like that, but if he wasn't eating lunch every day, there could be more to it.

"Is too," he argued playfully, sticking his tongue out at me. 

"Want some rice?" I asked, holding out a container of rice towards him. He smiled but shook his head. "No thanks. It's fine, Kai, really," he assured me.

"Are you sure?" I pushed, shaking the rice around in front of him.

"Promise," he laughed at my antics. "I'm not anorexic, Kai. The guys and I just went out for breakfast this morning," he said with a wide smile that made my heart melt. "Speaking of!" he said, perking up immediately as he just remembered something. "I want to introduce you to them sometime!"

Taemin seemed so excited to show me to his friends, but, "Why?"

"They'll love you, Kai! You're new here, right? There's nothing wrong with knowing a lot of people," Taemin explained to me, casually 'drinking his lunch' after he spoke.

"O-okay..." I stuttered, smiling shyly. I loved that he wanted to show me to his friends, but I won't deny (if only in my head) that I'd much prefer he introduce me as Kai... the boyfriend. I sighed as the thought hit my mind, making Taemin glance up at me concernedly.

"Is that alright with you? Wow, I probably should have thought about that before I said it... That does sound pretty creepy now that I think about it..." he rambled on, frowning slightly.

"No, no!" I interrupted, not wanting him to feel bad for the offer. "Of course I'd love to meet them!" I exlaimed, trying to get that gorgeous smile back on his face. It worked, of course. His hyungs must be extremely important to him. "So anyway," I continued, getting to my original point now. "What do you like to do in your spare time?" Immediately after that, I mentally face-palmed at the stupidity of such a simple question. I wanted to get to know him, but that didn't mean I had to boring and cliche about it... I sounded like a questionnaire...

"Oh... Well, I dance, of course..." he said, giving a small smile towards me before turning his gaze back down to his drink.

"W-well yeah..." I started awkwardly. "But I mean aside from that."

"Um... I don't really do much else. I work, I try my hardest at school, and I dance whenever I can," said the older, stating the obvious. "What about you?" He obviously really didn't like talking about himself, the way he gave the most simple responses before averting the attention again. I'd have to work harder at prying into his life, but I didn't quite know how to do that while being discreet about it.

"Well I like to dance, too. I don't have a job, but I live with my mom really close to here. Actually, I've been staying with D.O-hyung recently, but that's beside the point."

"Oh? Why aren't you living with your mother anymore?"

"Uh, she's.. She's in the hospital right now..."

I really didn't know why I was saying all of this, but it was just coming out like word-vomit and I couldn't really stop it. I wanted to see how he'd react to hearing things about my bizarre home life. Would he think I'm weird, or would he be concerned? Would he treat it like it's nothing or would he feel sorry for me? I tried to say it as if it were difficult for me to share, when really, I could care less about telling people about me. Maybe he'd pay more attention to me in the near future if he thought I was opening up to him?

"Oh god, I'm sorry Kai, I didn't mean to-"

"No, don't apologize. It's... I mean, it's alright, you didn't know." I bit my lip for good measure.

"Ugh, sorry I feel bad now," he pouted.

"Don't worry about it, hyung!" I assured, going back to my normal self slowly but surely. He was a really caring person... 

Wait, when did this conversation come back to being about me? Aish, have to fix that. I'm supposed to be learning about Taemin here, and there I go blabbing about my life again. I know everything I had said just now was the truth, but I couldn't help but be a little frightened..

This was not supposed to be a repeat of last year, and I'll do anything to make sure of that.

"Anyway... How long have you been dancing?" I asked, hoping that if I talked to him about something we could both relate to, then he'd be a bit more open about it. He smiled again, and it made me hopeful that I was getting to him.

"I don't really know, now that I think about it. I've never taken lessons or classes or anything, so it's hard to keep track of the years since I started," he said with a far-off look in his eyes, seemingly lost in his pleasant memories. He looked so complacant that I didn't want to say anything to distract him from his happy thoughts, so I just sat there in amused silence as I watched him daydream.

I realised now that this whole time when I had thought he looked so calm and peaceful, I was wrong. This was what he looked like when he was actually at peace. But what's that supposed to mean? That he's normally constantly troubled? Is he depressed or something, putting on a fake smile so as not to worry others? 

"But yeah," he said, coming back to reality, shaking his head a bit to rid him of the fantasies in his mind. "It's pretty much my life," he laughed. Only now, after having seen how he really looks when he's happy, was I able to pick up on how fake his laugh sounded. Before today, I wouldn't have even noticed. I would have continued thinking he had an adorable little awkward laugh, but now I want to know what his real one sounds like.

I'll admit, I was kind of jealous. But I'll also admit that I had no good reason to be. Whatever was going on in his life right now to make him act like this is probably nothing. He's either overreacting or he's just going through that angsty teenager phase. It annoyed me a bit, to be honest. I know I shouldn't be thinking like this though. I just... I want him to pay attention to me. I don't want him to have more problems than I do, because then I would have to spend all my time on him.

I couldn't believe this.

It's only been a bit over a week at my new school- my new life- and I'm already starting to revert back to my old mindset. I'd never share these thoughts with anyone. I know I would get looked down upon; that much has been proven to me through past experience...

It started out when my dog died a year and a half ago. I was close with my dog, being an only child and all. But it's not like it was earth-shattering. I was obviously upset for a while, and I was really appreciative of how kind my friends were being to me about the whole thing. But when I had gotten over it, though, I simply couldn't help myself from acting as if I were still heartbroken so I could still feel cared for.

I know now that was likely one of the dumbest things I could have done. I didn't need the extra attention- I shouldn't have gotten caught up in it. But I did, and that's the twisted thing. I liked it when people thought I was upset. 

After a while, the dog excuse got old, and then people just got a bit annoyed with me moping around all the time. On top of that, my best friend's parents were getting divorced and everyone seemed to turn the focus on him, since he was now the one feeling bad. That's how friendships work, right? You support each other when one of you needs it. But I didn't quite grasp that fully. I missed being the one they comforted all the time, but there wasn't really anything I could do about it, considering I had a freaking perfect life with loving parents, good grades, and lots of friends.

So I did what any screwed up, mental kid would do.

I made up.

I said that my cousin just died. Hell, I don't even have cousins. Both of my parents were only children, but there's no way that my friends would ever figure that out, right?

Next, it was that I was getting bullied by some kids at school. That one was a little more complicated, since we all went to the same school and none of them had noticed anything like that happening before, so I simply refused to tell their names (of made-up people, mind you) saying that it was alright and I could take care of it myself. That incident almost shocked me out of lying altogether. I hated having to come up with things on the spot to get away from being caught. I had never really told lies before, and it was so terrifying for me. My heart beat like crazy and I couldn't stop worrying about what would happen if someone knew I wasn't telling the truth. I knew they would be mad at me, and I couldn't take the fear.

Yet, instead of taking that to heart and deciding to quit my developing lying habit, I just concluded that I would have to be more careful- come up with something worse, but still make it so that no one could ever find out I wasn't telling the truth.

I couldn't stand myself at the next one I came up with.

I said my parents were beating me. I said that I lived in an abusive home, that my father had me before. But I made them promise not to tell anyone. I'd gotten quite good at fake-crying on command, see, and we were only in 8th grade, so they obeyed me. Gullible children. They didn't tell anyone, and I got all the attention I wanted after that. I'd just be able to text one of my friends in the middle of the night and they'd stay up talking to me because they'd be convinced that I was upset and frightened.

I hated myself as I did this to them, but I just couldn't stop. It was like an addiction.

I got all the comfort I desired without even having to feel the sadness that usually merits such consoling.

But I was still scared. The bigger the lies got, the more frightened I became that someone would tell an adult- which was without a doubt the right thing to do if you thought your friend was in an abusive home- and I hated the constant fear. I hated it so much, that I actually cut myself over it. I literally slit my wrists with a razor blade because I couldn't stand the pressure coming down on me.

Obviously, that did no good.. It ended up just being another tool I could use to get more regard. I admitted to my friends that I cut myself, and made a show of flaunting my scars because for once, I had tangible proof. I thought that maybe if I had something to prove this one, they wouldn't suspect that nearly everything I spouted off was a lie.

I got more confident.

That was wrong.

One night, it was nearly midnight. I was feeling bad about myself again, so I sent a message to my best friend telling him that I felt like killing myself. I didn't want to commit suicide. No, I hadn't even considered that as an option. I just didn't want to tell him the truth after all this. I was sure I'd have no friends left if that got out. So instead of getting comfort by telling him what was actually wrong, I did what I did best.

He called the police without me knowing, because he was worried that I was going to make an attempt at my life. He told the police how I was living in an unsafe environment at home, that my own father had beaten and me, and that I was currently suicidal. Of course, none of that was true, so when the cops showed up at my house in the middle of the night while I was sleeping, I was awoken by sirens. They took my dad away and took me to the hospital so I wouldn't be able to hurt myself.

There, I admitted to the police I had lied. I told them that my dad never hurt me, becuase I didn't want him to be arrested. I was so afraid, upset, and disappointed in myself. But since the claim was originally made, they had to investigate the case anyway, and once it was proven that I had made everything up due to lack of any evidence whatsoever, I was sent to a psychiatric hospital where I spent 2 weeks of my life after having been labelled a compulsive liar.

I knew my friends hated me now, because they had to be questioned in the case, and therefore received the results that it was all a big hoax devised by moi. They refused to take my phone calls while I was at the ward, and my only visitors were my parents, even though they were extremely disappointed in me.

Eventually, well after I had gotten out of the hospital and was put on medication and whatnot, my parents still fought because of the stress I put them under. I knew it was my fault, even though they never admitted it to me. They didn't know how thin the walls were in our house. I heard nearly every word of nearly every argument, and they were fighting over me.

That's why it's my fault that they got divorced. That's why it's my fault my mother is depressed. That's why it's my fault she's in a mental hospital recovering from attempted suicide right now.

I don't want to destroy her life even further. I don't want to lose my friends again. I don't want to crush my chance at living a new life here in the city. I don't want those thoughts again. I refuse to give into the pressures again...

I want my mom to get better. I want to keep my new friends Suho, Baekhyun, Chanyeol, D.O., and Sehun. I want to be close with Taemin, and I want to be close with his friends. I wanted Taemin to be my boyfriend. I could do none of that if I were to let myself return to thinking like that, and that's why I'm so determined to be different this year.

"Kai?"

A kind but confused voice brought me out of my deep thoughts, and I snapped my head towards the source to see Taemin staring at me with one eyebrow raised in confusion.

"You alright?" he asked me.

"Oh, yeah of course, sorry! I was daydreaming," I laughed.

He giggled too, covering his mouth with the back of his hand. "That's okay, I get it. Sometimes I get lost in thought too, and then I completely forget what I was saying to begin with."

I smiled when I realised he just revealed something about himself. No matter how small, it was something, and I'd take it. With someone so unwilling to talk about himself, I take that as improvement. "I just wanted to tell you that the bell is about to ring for class," he informed, making me aware of just how much time I spent in my thoughts. Taemin must have been so weirded out or bored with me just staring off into the distance for so long, but he hadn't bothered to say anything until lunch was almost over. It must have been uncomfortable for him.

Just great, I thought as I shoveled my food down my throat so that I'd be able to finish lunch before class. Here I finally get to spend time with him, just the two of us, and I get lost in my bad memories and blow it.

One thing I know for sure, though...

I'm not going back to that place.

No matter what it takes...

I won't be that kid again.

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Author's Note:

Welcome to the true beginning to the angst! Keep in mind I love happy endings, so it's not like I'm going to ruin my characters' lives beyond repair. Anyway, the main points in this plot are actually a true story, though it is not my story. It's different for me to have someone else be the main character other than Taemin, since for all of my stories, I base the Taemin character's life events off of my own (to an extent), but I thought this one would be better told from the other party's point of view, which in this case is Kai. Don't worry though, guys, he's not gonna turn back into his old self, I will assure you of that. He's going to struggle, of course, but he's not going to be that bad again.

I feel like I just gave up a lot of what's going to happen with this story in this author's note, so I'm just going to shut up now. I just didn't want you to unsubscribe because you thought it was going to turn out like that...

Anywho, comment and subscribe and whatever else! (:

Bisoux, mes belles! <3