I'm not even going to exaggerate this at all- I felt like absolute by the time I got back to my own apartment that night.

I'd spend hours goofing off with D.O-hyung, and he was comforting me the whole time, taking my mind off of how much I screwed up with Taemin. I knew he didn't think I did the right thing, but he still helped me when I was upset, which made him a great and reliable friend.

But now, sitting in my bedroom floor all alone, I was upset again.

And if I was feeling this way, how is Taemin feeling right now?

I yelled at him for not telling me that his parents were dead, what's that supposed to mean? I get that it was a move and all, but I still didn't want to go apologizing to him. He needed to have some serious self-reflecting time before confronting me again, in my opinion. What made me the angriest is that even though I admitted that I did wrong, I still refused to do anything about it- even though I know I did worse than he did, I still expected him to apologize first.

Is that pride?

I'm not sure, and I was sick of sitting around thinking about it. Tomorrow, things would look better. Things always look better on the morning of a new day.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Turns out, I was wrong. Things don't always look better the next day.

I woke up still feeling like the that I was, and still having no motivation to do anything about it.

I amost felt like drowning my sorrows in alcohol. I probably would have, if I was tht kind of person. I could likely get away with it, too, since my mother wasn't all too interested in what I do anyway. But I'd never really been that much of a rule-breaker, and I had enough common sense to know how much trouble I could get into for underage drinking.

So instead, I rolled out of my bed and dressed myself against my own depressed will. Checking the clock, I noted that it was a decent hour to make an attempt at being social, so I called up Baekhyun and asked if he wanted to meet up somewhere to hang out.

"Sure thing," Baekhyun said through the call. "What do you want to do?"

"I really don't care," I replied honestly. "I just want to get out of my house."

"Want to just go to the mall?" Baekhyun suggested, his words a bit muffled. I laughed slightly, figuring he was eating breakfast at the same time. "That's sounds good, meet me in 10 minutes," I said before hanging up.

Taking a deep breath, I ate breakfast as quickly as I could, feeling suffocated in the apartment. I don't know what it was, but something about this whole situation was just killing me. I had to get out and get some fresh air- get my mind off of things.

I suppose that wasn't exactly the best of decisions, since I should probably put more thought into this situation- the mere fact that I was avoiding it only supported that theory- but... oh well!

Slipping on my shoes, I shouted out to my mom that I'd be going out and then left the building. I savored the chilly air, but it was as if I could literally feel the stinging wind slapping me across the face for being so stupid. I just sighed and exhaled hot air between my palms to keep me warm before quickening my pace.

I got to the mall a good five minutes early, so I went straight to the coffee shop in the food court to get myself something warm and festive to drink to lift my spirits.

By the time Baekhyun arrived, I was seated at a tiny table in the corner of the food court, sipping my coffee tiredly... still feeling sorry for myself.

"Kai!" I heard my overly-energetic friend yelling at me from across the room, getting both of us many odd looks. I rolled my eyes in embarrassment before standing and throwing away my half-empty to-go cup and making my way towards the older with an amused smile on my face.

"Hey Kai, how are you?" he said once I had gotten close enough.

"I'm getting by," I sighed as the two of us began to walk in the direction of the shops. I really had no plans to buy anything today, I just didn't want to be given time to sit around and feel sorry for myself.

"What's going on?" Baekhyun replied, his cheerful mood turning curious and thoughtful in an instant.

I sighed, not knowing whether or not I wanted to discuss this all again. "I don't know, man. I just screwed up with Taemin and I feel like a major . That's all." But I knew Baekhyun wouldn't just leave it at that.

"What'd you do?" he asked, eyes widening, already fearing the worst. "You didn't break up with him did you?" he asked indignantly.

"No..."

"Oh god Kai, you didn't go ask him about his parents did you??" he asked, realization dawning on his face. When I struggled with an answer, he gasped. "Poor Taemin! Kai, you , what did you say to him?"

"I just... I mean... I didn't, like, straight up ask him about it... I just kind of left it to him to tell me but he didn't and it made me mad, and- ugh!"

"Why the hell would you have gotten mad about that?"

"You know what- why am I even explaining this to you? I thought you were my friend, but everyone is taking his side in this!" I don't know what caused this, but I was sick of people reminding me of everything I did wrong about this but not even sympathizing with me, telling me that I wasn't totally wrong. Is it bad to want one person on your side? "Really, hyung, what happened to loyalty?"

I didn't even wait to see his reaction before I was turning away from him, suddenly aware of the eyes my loud speaking had caused. Putting my head down, I sped up my steps and stuffed my hands in my pockets.

"Kai, what the hell?" Baekhyun yelled behind me, but he made no move to chase after me, which only made me feel even worse. I was blowing up at everyone now, and if I kept acting like a , I would soon be left with no one...

Still, I let the anger continue to course through me all the way back to the apartment, and, knowing my mom was at work, stormed inside and slammed the door hard behind me. I groaned loudly, not even caring if the people living in the apartments around me were able to hear my frustration.

They could it up.

Honestly, the rest of the day was spent alternatively watching tv and eating food in an attempt to avoid the problem entirely. I was fully aware that doing so was considered "running from the situation" but I liked that option better than facing it straight on.

Eventually though, I knew that I had to do something, and I'd prefer to not remain moping by the time my mom came home from work late tonight, so I begrudgingly made my way to my bedroom and sat myself hesitantly on my bed, cellphone in hand.

Who should I call?

I began going through my options.

I could call Baekhyun- apologize to him for being stupid and taking out my anger on him when he truly did nothing wrong. I certainly owed him an apology after speaking so disrespectfully to him.

I could call D.O or one of my other friends to chat and stall the pain even further...

But my most obvious choice was to call up Taemin. That is, if he even wanted to speak to me, which he may not. But I let out a sigh as I realized that no matter what, attempting to make amends with him would always be better than ignoring him for the rest of winter break and having to deal with the incredible awkwardness when school started back up.

Besides... Taemin, more than anyone else, deserved my apology. Baekhyun could live- he didn't think his boyfriend hated him because he didn't have a proper family. And with that thought in mind, I dialed in Taemin's new phone number with shaky fingers.

By the seventh ring, I was beginning to think he wouldn't pick up. I was suddenly so nervous and I could hear my heavy breathing loudly in my head.

"H-Hello?" came the hesitant reply, voice sounding weak. My eyes widened. Holy , he sounds awful... Did I really do this to him? I honestly couldn't get my bearings quickly enough to say anything, my mouth just hanging open like an idiot.

"Kai? Are you there?"

He sounded confused and somewhat concerned. And then I realized- I can make him come to me.

"Ugh, I'm hanging up-"

"Wait! Hyung, I'm here..."

"What... What is it?"

"I'm... I'm sorry, hyung. I really am. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I felt like I was on the verge of tears at that point.

There was a pause as I tried to figure out where to go from there. Thankfully, Taemin spoke up first. "Kai... what's going on? You're kind of scaring me right now."

"I'm just..." I took a deep breath. Make him come to you. Make him come to you. "I'm just upset, hyung..."

It was silent for several nervewracking moments, and I held my breath as I waited for his response. "Why? Are you okay?"

"Hyung, can you- well, can you come over?"

"Um... Kai... I don't know-" he was almost whispering now.

"Please, Taemin-hyung, I'm sorry. I'm sorry and I need you," I begged.

I heard him take a deep breath on the other end of the line while he contemplated. "Okay. I'll be there in 10 minutes, alright?"

I smiled a huge smile and nodded my head, forgetting that he couldn't actually see me. "Yes- thank you, hyung." He hummed, showing he heard me before hanging up first, leaving me with the buzz of the disconected line. I hung up the phone as well and threw it back against my blankets with a heaving sigh.

What. the . did I just do.

The only thing I was upset about was how much of an I had been to him. What am I supposed to tell him when he gets here? I don't want to make up lies here, but how can I get him to forget about everything unless something more important arises?

What do I do?!

I'd been so caught up in my thoughts and pacing around my room like a crazy person that I didn't realize how long I'd actually been doing so until the doorbell rang. My breath hitched and I prayed that I had enough sense to not dig myself into a hole here.

I made my way to the door quickly only to stop right in front of it, taking some time to control my breathing before facing Taemin. When I heard him knock impatiently, I knew I'd taken too much time already, so I flung open the door, catching the older by surprise with his hand raised mid-knock.

"K-Kai..." he trailed off, clearly not knowing what to say. Before I'd even said anything, he let his hand drop to his side and wrapped his other arm around his stomach, holding onto his opposite elbow in a sign of vulnerability and self consciousness. He was wearing huge clothing- a giant sweatshirt and sweatpants- his eyes switching from looking up at me to the floor and back again. "Um..."

"Here, come in, hyung," I said quickly, snapping to my senses and stepping aside to let him in.

He hesitated before entering my apartment. I took his coat from him and hung it up on a hook by the door, just trying to buy myself some time before I was forced to say anything. Next, I led him to my bedroom where I flopped down on my bed immediately.

He looked down at me from his spot standing uncomfortably by the bedroom door. "Kai, what's going on?"

I huffed and rolled over on my bed so I faced him and held my arms out, beckoning him closer. "I'm just sad, hyung..."

Taemin approached cautiosly and sat himself gently on the edge of the bed. "About what?" he pressed, putting his hand delicately on my shoulder. "I- I don't want to talk about it..." I mumbled. "I just wanted you close..." I saved myself quickly. There. That way I wasn't lying at all. I felt bad, I didn't want to talk about, and I wanted Taemin close to me again. All of that was the truth.

But was it right to be making this situation about... me?

"Uh, okay.." he said awkwardly, avoiding my gaze. He obviously still remembered clearly what I'd said to him yesterday.

"I'm sorry, Taemin-hyung. I really am. Do you forgive me?" I asked, forcing my eyes to become a bit watery just for effect. I wanted him to forget about it completely.

He sighed and kept his gaze firmly on the floor by his feet for a while. Eventually though, he did nod his head slightly. He didn't say it in words, but it had the same meaning.

Right?

"Can you..." I didn't complete my sentence, instead sitting up and opening my arms for a hug. He smiled a half-smile that seemed more than a tiny bit bitter but leaned forward and embraced me. "I'm sorry," I whispered again.

"Stop apologizing," he mumbled, still hugging me. "I hate it when people apologize. Just... I'm sorry that I hadn't made any attempt to contact you today. I'm sorry for making you feel that way, Kai, especially with whatever is going on that made you cry at school the other day and to be this upset now. I understand that whatever it is, it was probably why you said what you did yesterday, right?"

I nodded, unable to force the lie from my lips. I was... hardly even upset right now. I just loved how it made things better without me having to go to extensive measures to make him forgive me, and I was really appreciating how loving and caring he could be when comforting me, whether I deserve it or not.

"Well, I hope someday you'll tell me what's going on..." Taemin continued, honestly believing that there was something going on in my life right now that was causing me to be so volatile.

But even if I didn't deny what he was saying, it couldn't be considered lyring unless I actually made something up to tell him. And I wasn't doing that. As long as he lived in ignorance of my nonexistant issues, well then... I'm not even lying at all.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Author's Note:

It has been FAR too long since the last update- I am terribly sorry. I've been super busy lately- I've had a performance every single night since mid-October and I have a few days 'off' now. I put off in quotations because I still have training, but we don't have performances starting back up until later this week.

Yes, it's very hard, but it's worth it (: I'm happy with what I do so I hope you will put up with my delayed updates. They won't be this far apart, but I won't be able to update consistently, it will have to be kind of random and sporadic, so thanks for sticking with me.

Side note- I went to Infinite's One Great Step 1st world tour concert in NYC and it was the best thing EVER! Infinite is a group of wonderfully talented performers, and I there are hardly any groups I'd rather see live than them (SHINee is obviously included in that classification though haha).

Thanks again, please tell me what you think! Subscribe if you like it :D thanks again

Bisous! :-**