I spent the remaining days of my summer playing with water colors and oil paint when I’m not at the studio working with the crew. My art had been a huge help for me in struggling once more with my disorder. I didn’t know why I hadn’t thought of it before. Perhaps because I was too down and my head was in utter mess.

Art has been an important part of my life and, in a way, of my disorder. I’ve always enjoyed doodling since I was a young girl although I didn’t really paid much attention to it because I was busy dreaming of becoming a doctor, and so I overlooked it.

My passion for art rekindled, however, during my rehabilitation period. Talking to my sister and sharing her my feelings with her had been a huge help, yes, but she has with her studies. I didn’t want to bother her and I certainly didn’t want for mom to know about my illness. Then, I just found myself picking up a pencil and doodling on the back of the grocery receipt one afternoon after I accompanied mom at the market. That’s when everything started.

I began to draw and sketch how I feel at the certain moment, or anything I could think of for that matter. I remembered using water colors as well and then eventually, I started to paint on canvasses and the back of my closet door, which mom had no slightest idea about.

Having my hands and arms, and sometimes my face, smudged with paint or water colors were one of the most happiest and calming moments in my life. It lightens the tension and helped me in expressing how I feel, interpreting and entangling my riddled thoughts and emotions. It also helped me in figuring out how my disorder possibly started. Drawing and painting gave me courage to step out of my old self and create a new Su Ji.

“Maybe you’re not creating a new Su Ji,” Hye Rin told me after I shared with her my thoughts about it. She was the first one to support and encouraged me to go on with what I truly want. “Maybe you’ve always had this person in you, just hiding in your little crevices, waiting for that light to shine through. Su Ji, you’re not creating a new you, you just found your true self.” she smiled at me and I found myself smiling back.

It was the defining moment of my life. A kaleidoscope of new energy and hope formed before my eyes and I found myself reaching for them with a smile—a warm smile I never thought would break into my face during those times. It was liberating.

-------

“What did you think about the changes Eun Hye made?” Jongin asked me while I was sitting on the high chair on one of the tables near the counter, waiting for the barista to finish my order.

It was a Friday night, a few days after the second semester started. The crew met up at the café when Eun Hye called in for an important meeting regarding our film production. She practically dragged me and Da Hee to the café after school. As soon as we’re all gathered, Eun Hye announced the changes she did on our film production. It wasn’t a major change, she merely added and removed unnecessary scenes.

“It was really good.”

Jongin blinked. “You liked it?” he said, almost dumbfounded, which I found a bit weird.

“Yeah,” I said, shifting a little so I could face him clearly. “I thought it’ll make the film more interesting. You don’t like it?”

“No, I like it.” Jongin said quickly and then he grinned like a little kid.

My cell phone buzzed, it was Hye Rin, reminding me about the book she asked me to buy for her on my way home.

I told Hye Rin about my illness’ relapse. I just couldn’t keep it a secret from her. I knew she’d be upset with me if I did. But I assured her that I was okay now. I started with small goals and then I worked my way from there. Hye Rin merely pulled me into a hug and reminded me how much she loves me.

I felt very lucky to have Hye Rin in my life, to know I can lean on someone so easily, with no pressure. I was not expecting to have this similar connection with Jongin. On the outside, he looked uncaring and standoffish, but I spent some time with him during the lingering days of summer, and I realized how much of a good friend he truly is.

After the night he discovered my dark secret, I was worried he’d change his mind. That maybe he just said those consoling words because he had to and then he’d ignore me. I was also worried he’d start to act like my shrink, that he’d ask and prod me with questions and everything. I was waiting for him to do all of that, but he never did. Not even today.

If anything, he was acting and conversing with me in his usual way as though he didn’t just found out about my illness. We hung out and talked about different things, like what happened at the studio was just a normal thing. And when I wanted to talk about something, he’d be there and listened to me. And for some reason, he gave me the impression that he trusts me that I could win over my illness all over again. And I did.

“Hey, Su Ji,” Jongin said after a moment, he fished out something from his jeans pocket and handed me over an envelope.

“What’s this?” I asked, taking the envelope from his hand. I opened it and saw a check inside.

“Your last paycheck.” Jongin said, looking at me with a lingering smile.

I chuckled and thanked him. I asked him about the shop, how’s it been doing. The last time I’ve been there was two weeks ago. Jongin showed me how to make a wooden plaque by the work shop. I started telling Jongin about some people I could recommend to Noo Ri, since she’s still looking for my replacement.

“Then, there’s this girl from my art class,” I said, “She’s really organized, I think Noo Ri could—”

“Lyra,” Jongin interrupted. He was staring at me with a ghost of a smile in his face.

I blinked at him. “Sorry?”

“I could make out Lyra from your freckles.” Jongin said, pointing the freckles on across my nose bridge.

“Lyra?”

“The constellation.” he clarified, a smile now visible on his face—a calm, soft smile.

I peered into his eyes for a moment, his eyes were smiling too, and they looked so clear and beautiful. It took me half a minute to realize that I was staring at him, then I quickly looked away.

“Right.” I chuckled awkwardly. “Thanks, I guess.” I added when I turned to look at him again.

Our eyes locked, his eyes were still smiling and I suddenly could feel our knees touching. My cheeks flared up at once. Fortunately, the barista arrived, I averted my gaze and attention to the barista and my order.

“By the way,” Jongin said after he told the barista his own order, who went back inside the kitchen, “I already know what I want for the payment.”

“Yeah?” I peered into his eyes tentatively. Jongin nodded his head, half smiling at me. “What is it?”

“I can’t really tell you,” Jongin started, leaning closer a little. “I’ll have to show you.”

Perhaps it was his low, deep voice, or the way he’s looking at me or maybe it’s both, but then my heart started drumming in my chest. I was speechless for a moment. I couldn’t quite understand what he was saying.

“Are you busy tonight?” Jongin asked, even before I could utter a word.

I almost choked on my drink. “T-tonight?” Jongin nodded his head slightly.

“Yeah, tonight’s perfect.” Jongin said evenly, “No one’s home.”

I gulped and gripped my drink anxiously, but I tried to appear as cool as possible. “What exactly…” I trailed for a moment because I realized I didn’t know how to ask him what I’m thinking. I wasn’t even sure if I’m thinking the same thing he’s thinking. “…is it?” I finished lamely.

“I told you I can’t tell you,” he said, “I’ll have to show you first before explaining it to you. It won’t take long, I promise.” he bit his bottom lip as if to hide a smile.

He’s teasing me, I realized. I took a deep breath and think. Jongin couldn’t possibly… no, he’s my friend and I don’t think he would think that. “Alright,” I finally said.

Jongin smiled. “Great.”

We left the café after a few minutes. Jongin and I parted ways with our friends because they were going to take the subway, and since Jongin and I were heading to the shop, we took the bus. After a couple of minutes, we arrived in our destination, which was still open and full of people. I greeted my former coworkers as I walked past them.

Jongin and I made our way to the backyard and then he led me to a path opposite the direction of the workshop. I recognized the path almost immediately. We’re going to his house, I thought rather nervously. I bit my bottom lip and chided my heart which was now racing apprehensively yet again. I kept convincing myself I’m safe with Jongin, that he’s my friend, that I was merely overreacting even though Jongin was now opening their gate and beckoning me to follow him. The lights inside their house were turned off except the lamps by their front porch.

“Jongin, where are we going?” I asked him finally. I could hear the tension in my voice and I didn’t care if he heard it, too.

Jongin didn’t a