It was another rainy day. I could feel the cold whispered of the wind shivers my peel. As I’m sitting here outside the tea shop, I sipped my 3rd cup of this very hot coffee and it feels so good. Checked my watch again and it was almost 30 minutes ago since I arrived here. It’s not that there’s this someone who failed to meet me up on time. In fact, I was just early from our meet up time. I am always like this; punctual by nature. Particularly when I always get to meet this girl who has been very special to me.

“Amber!” shouted by a very familiar y American accent voice from not too far away. “Hey Krys!” I stood up and quickly run towards her. The awful weather gave her a hard time from carrying an umbrella and her things. Causing her to have a very irritated look as she tried to hand me over her things. I took her things and carry her umbrella making sure that she will arrive inside the tea shop without any droplets of rain would dare to drip in her hair. Since I was good being her servant, I effortlessly succeeded.

When we got inside the tea shop, we look for another table to sit in since it would surely feel uncomfortable for her if we stay outside where I was staying awhile ago. Not now with her very bad mood. There’s no place for me to let her get angry or too sad or else.

When I noticed that she’s already sitting comfortably, I took my sit too and waited for awhile before I started to talk.

“Want to drink something?”

She shook her head telling me that she doesn’t want anything, still with the very saddened face. This is very unusual. Typically, every time we meet in this tea shop, she has that biggest smile on the world. Our favorite topic—NO I mean, HER favorite topic is her boyfriend and their oh-so-perfect relationship like what she’s always telling me. She’s narrating unstoppable about what they did for today’s date, and what did she receive as his boyfriend’s monthsary gift. She even dared asking me if what she would give to her boyfriend as a birthday gift. Duh. This girl is kind of cruel huh? And even demonstrated me how they do their skinships. There’s nothing in their relationship that I don’t know. It felt like I also belong in their relationship. Ever since from their courting times she never failed to report me every detail of her experiences. BUT the good thing behind all of these is her genuine smile. Her precious smile when she’s telling me these which I admit sort of irritating stories. But rather hearing those unpleasant tales, I loved to see her happy always. There’s nothing a lover would want for her girl but happiness. Eternal happiness.

But these days, I couldn’t seem to find those smiles again and today, is very different. Her eyes are not as cheerful as before and her lips are not as happy to talk as before. I could feel her heart crying inside and it seems that she wants to blow up something inside of her. And today’s meet up is indeed different from the previous ones.

“Krys, are you okay? What happened?” I whispered worriedly as I look at her, facing outside the window trying to avoid my stares. “Krys… please talk. Tell me what bothers you.”

She slowly looked at me. There was a deep silent. She isn’t saying anything. Then her gloomy eyes suddenly dropped some tears. She covers her face by her hands and cried as she muttered so hard. I was very shocked. Seeing her cry like that for the first time, I didn’t even know what to do. I stood up and grabbed a piece of table napkin and gave it to her. “Krys~ please stop crying! Please tell me what happened and I will help you fix things. Please just don’t cry!”

I was shaking. I was terrified. I was trembling like crazy. Krystal is seriously crying right in front of me. I could feel she was very hurt. My eyes went teary but I should not let them fall. I need to be strong in front of Krystal even I had already encountered my very most weakness of all.

I stood beside her and hugged her tight. At least my embrace could try to stop her from crying. But when I wrapped my arms around her, my tears just couldn’t help but to run down. Hearing her trembling voice as she cried hardly, it seriously breaks my heart into pieces. I didn’t even imagine that all the happiness that I thought I would see in her forever, has turned into depths of despairs. I secretly wiped my tears so I could face her again.

“Krys~ please stop crying. Please!!” I kneeled down and carefully removed her hands that covering her face. My heart was thorned when I clearly saw her face. It was full of anguishes. I wiped her tears trying my best to keep her calm so she could finally speak up.

“Soojung-ah~, listen to me, please stop crying now. I’m here. You can talk to me first. Tell me what happened then I’ll try my best to help you with anything as much as I can. Please talk first. I hate seeing you like this. Come one Krys!” I continuously wimbled as I hold her face with my both hands.

Krystal slowly stops from crying but she sobs constantly. I stood up and went back from my seat. I looked at her and she’s bowing her head down. Gently wiping away her tears with the table napkin I handled her awhile ago. Her face is still as gloomy as before. Well at least she’s calm now.

“Now Krys, tell me what happened. Why are you crying so hard? Who made you cried? Did you break up with him? Tell me everything and I’ll listen to you like I how I used to listen to you before.”

“I met him this morning...” She muttered with a shaking voice. Still sobbing.

“Who? Taemin?” I widened my eyes.

“Yes. And… he just broke up with me.” Her tears fell again. She’s crying again but not as hard as earlier. “He said that he doesn’t deserve me. He doesn’t love as much as I loved him. He even told me that he feels that I’m tying him on his neck. He couldn’t breathe when I’m with him.”

“He told you that? How—but why?”

“I don’t know, I don’ know Amber~ I don’t understand. I just loved him the way I can and I thought I have loved him enough. But no… He still broke up with me.” She cried continuously while telling me her heartaches with full of courage and I admired her for that. Well, I always do.


After hearing her sorrows which are indeed were very upsetting, she started to cried hard again. This time, I let her. She probably needs it. She needs to blow up everything inside of her and crying is the perfect way to make her feel at ease. I gently hold her hand; that hand which I’ve dreamt to fit my hand with and hold it tightly as we share each others bizarre moments. It was my first time holding her hand and it was very soft like you wouldn’t want to take away your hand with this. And yes, I didn’t let go of her hands. At least through that way, she could share me the half of pain she’s suffering now and I will never let go of her hand ‘cause it is what makes me connect to her heart, to her weeping heart.

“Krys, I understand how you feel. Being dumped by someone who has become your life is the most heartbreaking feeling in this world. You will feel like you just want to evaporate and disappear immediately. But Krys please keep in mind that your life wouldn’t just end with this. Someday, somehow, in the right time, you will find someone who will make you happy and willing to give you the true love and happiness endlessly. Someone who will appreciate the love you are going to give in and seize each moment he will spend with you. Continue your living okay~ we’re still here for you. I’m still here for you. I’ll always be here for you Krys.”

“Thank you Amber… thank you…”

I’m really sorry Krys, this is what I can only do for you for know. I love you but I can’t and that what hurts me the most. Forgive me for I couldn’t dare to love you. I can’t give you the kind of love I’ve been dreaming to give you ever since I fell for you.

I love you boundlessly.

If I was a boy and I was your boyfriend, I will never let those smiles disappeared ‘cause it’s what makes me happy and strong. Seeing you smiling always, I can continue living my life to the fullest. I will make you the happiest woman in this world everyday. If I was a boy and I was your boyfriend, I will never let those lips whimper again with massive anguishes and torments. Instead I will let those lips experience the most passionate kisses that you could ever have. If I were a boy and I was your boyfriend, I would take care of your soft hands ‘cause someday these hands would carry and take care the greatest gift that we will be receiving in life after we get married. If I were a boy and I was your boyfriend, I will make you cry. But I’ll make sure those tears you are going to release are only because of happiness, only happiness Krys. If I was just a boy and I was your boyfriend, the next time we meet at this tea shop, you will unstoppable talk about your love relationship happily but that time, it will be our precious daughter who will listen to you gratefully.

If only I was just a boy and I was your boyfriend.

BUT I’M JUST A GIRL AND UNFORTUNATELY, I CAN’T BE YOUR BOYFRIEND. :(