P5 | I'm Sorry by YeoLeNam

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''Im Sorry by YeoLeNam''


Reviewer: StarlightAegyo
Mark :32/50 or 80%

 

Title: 5/5

Title fits with the the short description you wrote and it tells about the story well. Although, ''I'm sorry'' isn't the only thing on the poster. I'll explain that on the bonus points below.


Des+foreword: 6/10

The desc. and foreword are well written. Although, it lacks with the correct use of grammar.

Characters: 4/5

The characters were written appropriately and nothing much to say about that.

Grammar: 5/10

I can understand that 'English' is not your first language. But, It is important to use the dictionary at times. Or maybe the helpful use of the internet darling~

Plot: 6/10

The plot was nice. I was really interested on that part where you reversed the situation betwwen the guy and the woman. It was nice. Although, I've seen a lot of that already. And you aim for originality right? Well, its worth a try as you continue with the story.

Flow: 4/5

Since, you only wote the first chapter, I'm gonna base my opinion on that. Okay, so, It startedwhen the girl wants Kyungsoo to go home. But, then, you explained that they rented a condominium together and lived there as she closed the door and locked herself in her room. Isn't it confusing? Or, you could explain that kyungsoo might have to live somewhere? Its your choice. Its just a bit confusing for me, even though I read it a lot of times. Please correct that~ 

Bonus (based on font,posters/background) : 2/5

The poster almost suited the story. There's just this slight mistake on the poster. The grammar isn't right again. T^T ... I hope you understand that, Some people ARE attracted to the poster if its INVITING and if it suited the story. In your case, It isn't inviting. I suggest you use lighter color when requesting from a shop. Plus, the Title should be clear on the poster. If you wrote 'I'm sorry' as the title, then you should write THAT as well on the poster. Its more inviting that way.


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First of all, I'm am very sorry if my opinion was harsh. I was not supposed to do this review if not only that the one you picked is on Hiatus. But, I hope you take in my advices and use that to improve your story~ Komawo for requesting~! ^^

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Reviewer: YGFamily97
Mark : 37.5/50 or 75%

Title: 4/5

To be frank, it’s plain. I can understand why you chose it, because it does suit the story, but why not something more creative? (though I can’t help you since I’m not creative -.-)

Description and Foreword: 7/10 

In the beginning, you narrate what is going to happen:
“It’s like the spin off of the story that usually the boy cheating behind his girlfriend,it’s the girl who cheating behind her boyfriend” and so on. There’s truly no need to say this in the description. You want the reader to figure out what is going to happen themselves. Those first 3 sentences aren’t even necessary to the description; get rid of those, and just keep the dialogue between Yoomi and D.O.
Characters (4/5): I don’t have much difficulty understanding D.O.’s gentle and understanding personality, Yoomi’s guilt from cheating, and Kai being Yoomi’s partner in their affair. However, the one sentence “Uhh… you don’t want my appearance in here right?” confused me. Let’s say there’s person A, who is already in a relationship with another person, and there’s person B, who A is cheating with. Person B usually isn’t willing to just leave person A; in most cases, person B would rather person A break up their current partner and be with them (if you don’t understand what I meant, it’s alright. I wouldn’t understand that well either…). Overall, good job with the characterization; keep it up.

Grammar: 4/10

I’m trying to be nice since English obviously isn’t your first language, but there were a lot of mistakes. ; ;

First off: do not change the point of view. Don’t. 
Again, it’s something you really don’t need. Writing involves the author, but also the reader. You want the reader to figure out who’s talking themselves; leave a little bit of mysteriousness in the story. If you truly, desperately feel the need to have different points of views shown throughout the story, don’t do it right in the middle of the chapter. Delete the “No One” point of view and “Yoomi’s” point of view, and instead, switch the point of view for each chapter (ex: chapter 1 is Yoomi’s POV, so call the chapter “Yoomi”, then if chapter 2 is D.O.’s POV, name the chapter “D.O.”) However, the best way is to eliminate switching different points of view. You get confused, the reader gets confused, and then the story just becomes completely confusing altogether (e.g. “Suddenly tears come out from your eyes”. Since you were switching POVs, you probably got yourself confused, and switched to second person instead of first person, where Yoomi would be narrating. The correct way of saying this would be “Suddenly, tears came out of my eyes”)
Another thing you should avoid doing: using Korean words. Not all of us are Korean, in fact, the majority of us probably aren’t. Some of us might know what you meant, and we can infer too, but some people don’t, and it’s a total disadvantage to them when they’re reading your story. So unless you’re planning on writing the whole story in Korean, get rid of the Korean words altogether. It only makes things more confusing (also, if you’re struggling with English, it’s best not to use Korean at all if you aren’t Korean, it makes it harder for you, too).
In the beginning of the story, I was really confused. Yoomi is cheating on D.O., right? So why was the boy she was cheating with her “boyfriend”? If I were you, I would leave it to be more mysterious, and instead put “…Yoomi said while caressing the cheek of the boy cuddled next to her.” The word “cuddled” immediately screams intimacy, and not saying the name or specifying who the boy is makes the reader curious to read on. In the sentences after that, you should also take out “boyfriend” and just put “the boy” or “the man” instead. Also, when talking about Kyungsoo, take out “real boyfriend”. You actually don’t even need to specify that he’s her actual boyfriend, because after he “pecks Yoomi’s lips”, the reader can automatically guess that she’s cheating. Don’t worry about the reader not understanding what is going on. We have our own brains too. (^▽^) (and if someone really doesn’t understand, you can always explain it to them ^o^)
Also, you are missing helping verbs in your story, which is why everything is very confusing and difficult to understand.
So what are helping verbs? (Yes, I’m giving a lesson now). They are verbs like “be” or “have” or “do”, and they are essential for a sentence to make sense. I’ll provide examples of where you used them in your story and where you should have:
1.) “Simple but they satisfied with it.”
When I read this out loud, it sounded bad (sorry for my “meanness” ;n;). In this case, you need a helping verb between “they” and “satisfied”. So the right way of saying this would be, “Simple, but they are satisfied with it.” “Are” is the passive way of saying “be”, and it helped connect the subject to the main verb.
2.) “Wow Yoomi you such a professional at lying.” 
The same rule from the previous sentence applies to this one. The correct way of stating this would be, “Wow Yoomi, you are such a professional at lying.”
3.) “… why you so bad Yoomi”
Correction: “… why are you so bad, Yoomi,”
Occasionally, you also switch tenses from past to present. 
Examples: “Kyungsoo, Yoomi real boyfriend open the front door and come to her and peck Yoomi lips”
Correction: “Kyungsoo, her real boyfriend, opened the front door, came toward Yoomi, and pecked her on the lips.” (*remember to get rid of the “boyfriend” part)
“Kyungsoo said while look at her face”
Correction: “Kyungsoo said while looking at her face.”
Actually, there’s a lot I would want to go over with you, but there’s not enough time and space to do so. Please, just read over what you’ve written. Reading it more than once helps a lot when editing; you’ll easily find the mistakes.

Plot: 8.5/10

It’s hard to be the first to have an idea when over a hundred other stories have the same plot as yours. I completely, totally understand this, and I give you credit for trying to switch things up, however—the plot was common, or typical. In the end, there’s always someone cheating, right? Nonetheless, many of us like cliché or corny things, and if you can improve your grammar, I would be excited to read on (though a plot twist would be nice).

Flow: 5/5

I was easy with this because you’ve only typed up the first chapter, and you went at a perfect pace. And you’ve only just started, and the scene you chose to start with was a good scene. I like that you chose that one in particular; it was a good intro to the story.
 

Bonus (Based on fonts, posters/background): 5/5

Loved it! The details and texture of the poster were really pretty. I loved the color scheme too. o u o <33

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This was definitely my longest review. O.o Anyway, I hope I helped you. Try your best on grammar, and read over your story multiple times.

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Average Mark: 77.5/100 or 77.50 %
Keep up the good work !

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Comments

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AmieDMJ #1
Chapter 46: bye bye~ I love this shop so much /cries a Han river
Cinnimoroll08 #2
Chapter 46: farewell TT^TT
(im kinda interested but idk xD)
DobuOnew #3
Can we be affiliates?

Somnium Review Shop
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/549557/somnium-review-shop-open-dreams-request-review-shop-reviews

I would be glad if you accepted. :)
-farewell #4
Affies? :D
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/428546/
MindragonFan #5
Chapter 44: Holy sheit, the x-men trailer is amazing!! Teach me your ways, sensei. *bows to your awesomeness*
fluffpenguin #6
Chapter 3: When will you be open again?
fluffpenguin #7
Chapter 3: Is my dp that I requested last time included as one time that I requested?
buttsmex #8
Chapter 42: Reviewer 1: Well.. i meant that love isnt easy. especially if it was ur own dad. and to make it all for worse, he died. and ur pregnant when ur suppose to. sorry if i was not being expressive lol. ^^' Thank you. Haha thanks. I was wondering about that. XD Really? Its my third story.. so.. kinda nervous if i still make mistakes. :3 well.. i dont exactly love m-preg.. but yeah. lol Thanks you. :) Its ok. Thanks for the time. <3

Reviewer 2: I know. I'm sorry.. ;_; lol jk. I did the title first then the story. I guess it was a mistake lol. I dunno what to put.. T^T my wrong. i should've put kris as a slight appearance. Yeah. I'm from malaysia. But i'm always on top in my class when it comes to english though. ^^ And okie. Hmm.. ok. Thanks. I was thinking that. But dang, i use it to much. Thanks for the time~ <3
--vikseu #9
Chapter 39: Whoops~ i think you forgot something. can i ask for a redo?