P5 | A Game We Played by eunshidae

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Pick up for Eunshidae



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''A game we played by eunshidae''

Reviewer: StarlightAegyo
Mark : 36/45 or 80%


Title: 5/5
It was good oneshot! And the title totally explained the story~

Description  Foreword: 7/10
I thought the description was too long. But, then I realized that it was just right~

Characters: 5/5
The characters are so amusing! Nothing more to say about that~

Grammar: 8/10
Grammar was written great~ Not much mistakes were done.

Plot: 8/10
I've read alot of stories about this. But, most of them ended sadly. Yours is like a sad-amusing fairytale~

Flow: 3/5
The flow of the story from the start was good. But, the fact that it all seemed like a daydream in end, makes the readers confused a bit.

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So, there you have it! Another review from me on one of your stories. And I really loved this one! Please continue to do well on your stories~  

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Reviewer: YGfamily97
Mark : 37/50 or 74%


Title: 4/5
It was alright. Yes, it suits the story well because that’s exactly what went on, but I feel like you could find a better title. Your description was beautiful, with sentences like “She reeled my heart into her hands” and “…that alluring eye-smile,” so I’m sure you could make a title that’s more “alluring” than that. xD

Description  Foreword: 9/10
Your writing style is very nice; I loved the way you wrote the sentences and described, with simple words, what was going on. I was immediately captivated and interested in reading the story after the description (the short sentences and fragments you wrote were very well crafted; it made the description feel “fluffy” and lighthearted). However, it was too long (it might’ve because you clicked “Enter” after every line, which you didn’t have to do). Although that created a feeling of enigma, it was too long, and I personally think you could get rid of some sentences—for example, “The teachers like to let us roam by ourselves in recess so we pretty much do what we want, be with whom we want to be and just chill the way we want to.” Sentences like this aren’t necessary. You want to “show” and not “tell” what is going on, so you could easily do away with that.

Characters: 3.5/5
I could easily understand Tiffany’s imaginative, happy, and somewhat “bubbly” personality, which stayed the same through the story. I understood Taeyeon’s personality in the beginning, especially in the description, that she had that feeling of longing, and she was more introverted and quiet, seeing that she didn’t have many friends. However, when I got to the middle of the story, I didn’t understand it at all. Taeyeon, dinosaur, biting Ken? O.o What happened there? I thought Taeyeon was introverted, and yet here she is, “biting” someone (personally, I don’t think an introverted person would do that). Also, when Taeyeon was describing Ken, I got very confused. Isn’t Taeyeon in love with Tiffany? If she is, why would she describe Ken in a way that sounds like she admires/likes him? (ex: “[…]his oh-so handsome face” and “He’s so charismatic, so handsome”. I know that you wanted to show that Taeyeon was comparing herself to him, but it merely sounded like she was in love with him.

Grammar: 7/10
Don’t click “Enter” after every line (-.-“) It’s just more scrolling down. If you want suspense and the reader to be surprised, writing it out is better. There were a couple of misspellings here and there (in the description, you spelled “where” as “were” and “we were” as “were” too). You also switch tenses a lot in the description. One moment, it says “The teachers let us…” and then the next sentence say “…I climbed to my cave.” (Correction: “The teachers would let us…” and then the sentence “…I climbed into my cave” would make sense). You switch from present to past; past to present. I understand that you’re trying to show Taeyeon’s thoughts in the present while explaining the past, but if your English isn’t very good, it might be a better idea to avoid these kinds of things(not that your English isn’t good, it’s just easier to avoid shifting from past to present tense a lot since it’s poopy and complicated). Try to read over your story a couple of times to find mistakes; reading out loud helps.

Plot: 6.5/10
I truly don’t understand what happened to the plot. The description was beautiful, and then, bam! The story was a wedding scene, which didn’t exactly relate to the description, and then Taeyeon turns into a dinosaur after longing for Tiffany’s love and feeling envious. Whatttt. Was it supposed to be funny? If it was, I’m sorry that I’m not laughing. The plot would’ve been better if you had made it more related to the description. By the way, you don’t have to write a one-shot. One-shots have so many restrictions. A two-shot is fine, and it gives so much more space to expand and edit the plot.

Flow: 3/5
One-shots are hard to write. I completely understand that. It’s truly difficult to have a story that has to be short, have a good introduction, and a good solution or ending. I took this into mind when grading this part. The flow of the story was unsteady, or rough. The description is different, too different for my taste, from the actual story, which didn’t make much sense in the middle. The scene with Taeyeon biting Ken seemed to pop up out of nowhere, which I didn’t like even if it was supposed to be a surprise, and the story ended too fast. I didn’t like the solution. What was the solution anyway? Tiffany chooses Taeyeon, and they leave to “kill that ice princess in art class”? It didn’t make much sense at all. If you plan on editing the story, it would be best to make the conflict a different one, and explaining more clearly might help (I still don’t understand the “ice princess” portion…)

Bonus (Based on fonts, posters/background): 4/5
The pictures of them were cute… It’s alright that you didn’t have anything super pretty; we’re all lazy once in a while :P

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By the way, I hope my advice helps you (you might also want to take into consideration that I’m not a SONE…)Also, I apologize if what you wanted was an easy review ^o^”  

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Average Mark: 73/95 or 77 %
Keep up the good work !

 

 

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Comments

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AmieDMJ
#1
Chapter 46: bye bye~ I love this shop so much /cries a Han river
Cinnimoroll08
#2
Chapter 46: farewell TT^TT
(im kinda interested but idk xD)
DobuOnew
#3
Can we be affiliates?

Somnium Review Shop
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/549557/somnium-review-shop-open-dreams-request-review-shop-reviews

I would be glad if you accepted. :)
-farewell
#4
Affies? :D
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/428546/
MindragonFan #5
Chapter 44: Holy sheit, the x-men trailer is amazing!! Teach me your ways, sensei. *bows to your awesomeness*
fluffpenguin
#6
Chapter 3: When will you be open again?
fluffpenguin
#7
Chapter 3: Is my dp that I requested last time included as one time that I requested?
buttsmex
#8
Chapter 42: Reviewer 1: Well.. i meant that love isnt easy. especially if it was ur own dad. and to make it all for worse, he died. and ur pregnant when ur suppose to. sorry if i was not being expressive lol. ^^' Thank you. Haha thanks. I was wondering about that. XD Really? Its my third story.. so.. kinda nervous if i still make mistakes. :3 well.. i dont exactly love m-preg.. but yeah. lol Thanks you. :) Its ok. Thanks for the time. <3

Reviewer 2: I know. I'm sorry.. ;_; lol jk. I did the title first then the story. I guess it was a mistake lol. I dunno what to put.. T^T my wrong. i should've put kris as a slight appearance. Yeah. I'm from malaysia. But i'm always on top in my class when it comes to english though. ^^ And okie. Hmm.. ok. Thanks. I was thinking that. But dang, i use it to much. Thanks for the time~ <3
--vikseu
#9
Chapter 39: Whoops~ i think you forgot something. can i ask for a redo?