IV.

Tangerine Express

 

“You build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it.” 
 

― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones

 


 

5 years and 11 months ago

 

Winter left days ago, but stubborn strings of cold fog still stick to the windows on a morning in early March. It's Monday and smells like it; pancake batter, blistering hot coffee and thick sweaters.

Yoona leans her chin on the back of her chair, watching Luhan flip pancakes. She's past the stage where the smell is enough to make her stomach turn, though the food (for once) is not what's occupying her thoughts.

"Luhan?"

He nods absently. "Hmm?"

"I'm in the last trimester now," she says.

"I know," he replies, not looking up from the frying pan. "I've been keeping track, too."

Yoona sighs. I know that, she thinks. "I meant, 'I'm in the last trimester now' and you know, we still haven't decided on names."

"Well, just so you know, I'm dead set on not naming our boys 'Caribbean' and 'Fluke'," Luhan says. "Or one of those other English names you suggested before."

"That was a joke," Yoona says, rolling her eyes. "I've been thinking about it seriously recently."

Luhan finishes with his pancakes and turns the heat off, bringing the stack of cooked pancakes to the table. He picks up a fork, a smile twitching the corners of his lips. "Okay. What do you have in mind?"

She turns in her chair to face him, taking the fork he hands her. "I've been playing with different combinations," Yoona says, twirling the fork idly between her fingers. "I came up with 'Taemin'. I haven't ever met a Taemin before."

"Does it mean anything specific or...?"

"I didn't think of it with a specific meaning in mind," Yoona says, mouth full of pancake, "but I looked it up, and it means 'great people'. Something like that." She smiles, cheeks bulging. "Maybe it'll give him luck. Maybe he'll grow up to be a great person."

Luhan smiles, though more out of amusement at her expression than anything else. "We'll make sure of that." He nods, thinking it through. "I like it. Taemin." He tries it out, getting the feel for the name on his lips. "Tae-min. Taemin."

 Yoona chuckles, shaking her head. "Well, that's one down. Did you have any ideas?"

There's silence as Luhan cuts his pancake into little squares, a habit he's never gotten rid of since childhood, and one that might just come in handy in a couple of years. Finally, he says, "Yeah, I've been thinking about it, too."

"And?"

"My first best friend and I made this...childish pact when we were nine. We said that if we had a son as our first-born child, we would name him after each other," Luhan explains. "I didn't think I would need to consider it seriously this soon, but I guess I'll honour the promise, after all." He pauses. "Jongin. His name was Jongin."

"Where is he now?" Yoona asks.

Luhan shrugs, smiling a little sadly. "I don't know. He moved away the year after we made that promise; went to the US. But after a while, we kind of lost contact, and I have no idea where he is now."

Yoona nods, understanding. She may have closed her mind in the past, but she's opening it to sympathising now; she's trying. "So... Taemin and Jongin." She smiles, teeth showing. "That sounds good. They go well together," she says.

We go well together, she thinks, but doesn't say it aloud, because her mind had said that without her permission and she doesn't quite know why.

(Yoona will never know that Luhan had thought the same thing and had chosen not to say it aloud, either).

 

***

 

Some instinct that has almost become a seventh sense to Luhan alerts him to Yoona's absence at 1:30 in the morning. It's like that feeling that comes when you have something in your hand for a long time and even after it's taken away, you keep checking to see if it's there because it feels like it still is.

Sure enough, when Luhan turns, he sees that the covers are pulled back on her side, and she isn't there.

He checks the bathroom and toilet, but she isn't leaning over the sink, struck with morning sickness. The nursery is empty, and so is the living room, and Luhan knows that there's only two  other places she could be.

Luhan walks quietly to the kitchen and peeks in, wondering if she'll be inside or outside today.

She's inside; Yoona is sitting at the table and the door to the back veranda is closed. A forbidden wine glass rests between her fingers and her eyes are fixed on a point outside the window, like she's lost at sea and keeping watch for horizons that don't exist.

"Hey," Luhan says mildly, too tired to chide her for drinking when she shouldn't be. She turns, and he sees that her eyes are a bit glazed over; definitely drunk. He sighs. At least she hadn't gone for the vodka. "What are you doing?"

"Do you ever wonder," Yoona slurs, eyes unfocused, ignoring his question, "if you'll ever burn like the stars?"

Luhan sits down, opposite her. "Burn?"

"Yeah," Yoona says, head a bit too heavy to keep up with her nod. "Burn. The stars are... they're bright, but they burn. And I think that's what people don't get. They want to shine like the stars, but eventually stars die."

"Everyone dies, too, Yoona."

"I know," she says, and Luhan is alarmed to see that tears are beginning to prick her eyes. "I know, and I... I still want to burn like the stars. But me... I'll never... shine as bright...as those stars."

She isn't making sense, and yet at the same time, Luhan understands. He understands her drunken ramblings, and he wonders how and why. "You'll always shine to me," he murmurs, wondering if she'll remember this in the morning. She starts sniffling, and he leans forward in alarm. "Yoona. Yoona, don't cry."

"I'm not crying," Yoona protests, just as a tear slides down her cheek. "I'm just...tired."

Her head tips and Luhan stands, lifting her out of the chair and into his arms before she can fall forward. She leans heavily on him, her bulging belly pressing against his waist. "Luhan, I'm tired," she says again.

"Go to sleep," Luhan whispers, letting her rest her head on the crook of his neck. They're in a slightly awkward position, like they're dancing a one-sided waltz that Yoona doesn't know the steps to, but it's the closest they've been in a long while, and Luhan isn't about to let her go. "Don't cry. Go to sleep."

"Okay," she says, clutching onto him, fingernails digging into his shoulders. "I'll...go to sleep...now."

A few moments later, silence blankets the room, and Luhan can only hear the two of them breathing. He looks down; Yoona is asleep, face turned towards him, her eyelashes tickling his neck.

She's so close, and the dim light casts spidery shadows of her lashes on the tops of her cheekbones, like grey tears; Luhan is gripped with a sudden urge to run his fingers over her cheeks, to smooth away the worry crawling under her skin.

They are merely inches apart, close enough that he can feel her shoulders move as she breathes, and he could kiss her right now, but he doesn't.

 

***

 

"No, Mom, it's fine, you don't have to−" Luhan breaks off with a strained smile, listening as his mother cuts him off on the other end with, I insist, Luhan, blah blah blah. "But you visited last week," he protests. "Not much has changed, really."

"Tell her about the due date," Yoona calls.

"Oh, right. Yoona found out her due date," Luhan tells his mother. "We know it's not exact, but her OB/GYN says maybe around March 18-20."

At this, his mother starts gushing, spouting a flood of I remember when I was pregnant's and this is all so exciting, I can't believe it's really happening. "I know, Mom," Luhan says. "Listen, you don't have to come over tonight, okay? I kind of have some work to finish, and you already visited last week, anyway. Maybe you can come in a few weeks or something?"

He feels a little guilty when his mother replies with a "Yeah, sure, sweetie, whatever works best for you," because it's obvious that she's disappointed. But Luhan can do without the stress of having his parents over for the evening, and that thought is the only thing that keeps him from changing his mind.

"Tell Dad I said hi, okay? I miss you, too, Mom. Bye; I'll talk to you later. I love you, too," Luhan says, and hangs up.

"She wanted to come for dinner again, didn't she?" Yoona asks.

Luhan nods, running a hand through his hair. "She always wants to come over..." he mutters, sighing. "To be honest, sometimes it's too much for me, having her here." He doesn't say why; that it hurts because his mother badgers the two of them time and time again for the details of their non-existent love story, but Yoona reads between the lines.

"I think it's nice of her," Yoona murmurs quietly. "I wish my mother would call me and ask to see me. But she can't."

Luhan freezes, his mouth falling open as he realises belatedly what she means. "Oh, God," he says. "I'm so sorry."

"No, it's okay," Yoona says, managing a smile. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad. There are just some things that can't and won't happen, and having my mother back is one of those things."

Guilt still stabs Luhan like shards of red candy glass, and suddenly he wishes he had given in to his mother's wishes and let her come over for dinner.

 

***

5 years and 9 months ago.

 

Yoona awakes in the middle of the night, her lower back aching. It pulses around her torso and as hard as she tries, she can't get back to sleep. Her OB/GYN had told her that signs like these could signal early contractions, and with her due date looming, it seems likely. Slightly panicked, she turns to tell Luhan, but his side of the bed is empty.

Frowning, Yoona slides out of bed and wanders into the kitchen. It's Wednesday, and tomorrow is Thursday, so Luhan won't be going to work anytime soon. He must be around the house, she thinks when she finds the kitchen Luhan-less.

It takes her a while to search the house, and another while to remember the back veranda. Yoona slips through the door, cool air washing over her as she steps out.

Luhan is sitting on the wooden bench by the railing, head leaning back. His eyes are hooded, and something white flutters in his hand; a piece of paper.

"Luhan," she says quietly. "Luhan."

Luhan turns after the second call, eyes widening in surprise. "Yoona," he says. "I thought you were asleep. Are you all right?"

The dull pain has faded a little, so Yoona nods. "What are you doing out here? It's cold."

"I couldn't sleep," he murmurs, turning the piece of paper in his hands idly. "I don't know what it is, but this place helps me think."

Yoona, now 36 weeks along, half-waddles over to him and sits beside him. The effort of doing something as simple as that tires her more than it probably should. "I know what you mean," she says. "I used to go out here a lot, when you were asleep. But nowadays, it's too tiring." She exhales heavily, eyes fixing on his hands. "What's that?"

He looks down at the paper in his hands as if he'd only just noticed it was there. "This?" Yoona nods, and Luhan says, "It's... it's a poem that I wrote."

"Can I hear it?"

Even in the moonlight, the flushing of his cheeks is visible, like scarlet stained glass windows in a dark room. He shakes his head several times and says, "I'm not much of a writer. It's nothing."

"I don't mind," Yoona whispers. "I still want to hear it. Please?"

Luhan sighs and leans back, opening the sheet of paper but keeping it away from her view. His eyes are heavy, and he looks exhausted; Yoona's not sure if she's imagining it, but he smells a little like the wine from two months ago.

After a moment, he clears his throat and begins, voice gentle, layering the whisper of the wind. The piece of paper flaps like butterfly wings in his hand as he recites:

 

"She gazes at stars and wonders

if she'll ever be as bright in her lifetime,

if someday, she'll fade and burn

in cerulean skies like her solar sisters.

And he'll watch her watch dying lights, and

take her hand in his;"

(at this, Luhan takes Yoona's hand, thumb grazing over hers ever so softly)

"He will press their hands together, fingertips

to fingertips, just in case she's colder than

this present winter. "You'll never be cold;

you'll never drown like those stars," he

promises, and he doesn't know if it's

a lie. "I love you," he says, and this,

he knows, is not a lie."

 

Luhan's voice lapses into silence; his hand stays in hers. Silence. Breath whistles out of Yoona in a quick rush, swirling in invisible trails in the air. She sits there for a few moments, motionless, and wonders what people say after listening to spoken poems like that. Did he really write that himself?

The exact lines of the poem are already fading from her memory, but key words (stars, shine, cold, burn, drown) stick in her mind, and she can't help but think that he had written about her.

Something about the words rings a bell from the recent past, and although her recollection from the particular event she has in mind is watery, she remembers something about shining stars. And burning.

He doesn't ask her what she thinks, and Yoona wonders if his silence means that he's giving her some time to take it in, maybe to see if it means the same things to her that it does to him. Maybe it does, but she's not sure.

"Luhan?" There's no answer. After a few breaths, Yoona continues, anyway, staring up at the stars. You'll never drown like those stars. "The poem... what is it about?"

 Several more moments of silence pass and finally, Yoona turns to look at Luhan and ask him why he's so quiet. But the eyes she had expected to meet, the warm brown that has started to melt her own obsidian orbs over these past few weeks, are closed. He's asleep.

Sighing, Yoona lets her eyes wander over his sleeping figure, lingering on the circles under his eyes; they match hers. Without really thinking, she lifts a hand to brush away the curls tickling his eyelids, pushing them back, across his forehead.

Her fingers trace along the faint worry lines on his forehead, and she realises that she's never seen them before. After all these months and everything they've been through, it seems there are still things about one another that they haven't seen and don't know, even something as simple as the beginnings of forehead wrinkles.

In sleep, she thinks Luhan looks much more fragile, without his defence arsenal of reassuring smiles and steady eyes. He's really only 24, Yoona realises; much too young to be worrying about her. He should be living, the way she never did.

Lowering her eyes, Yoona notices the slightly crumpled paper in his hands; the one he had written the poem on. She sneaks a glance at him, almost childishly, and after she's sure that he's definitely asleep, she reaches down and pries the paper from his fingers.

Yoona isn't sure what she had expected− the scrawled original of the poem, probably−but when she turns the page over, one side is blank and on the other side, it says, I love you, and nothing else.

 

***

 

Luhan will forever remember that at around eleven in the morning on Friday, March 16 of the year 2007, he was washing his hair.

Of course, he doesn't know that the day will be an unforgettable one while he squeezes the stubborn shampoo bottle, whacking it against his palm in the hopes of forcing it to give up one more tiny blob of floral-smelling chemicals.

When he finally manages to get enough shampoo out to lather up his hair, he hears something, barely audible over the shower, that sounds like, "Luhan!"

At first, Luhan dismisses it, thinking he's hearing things, but then it comes again, and louder this time. "LUHAN!"

He stops, hands freezing for a moment, and in that second, he realises (maybe a moment too late) that 1) it can only be Yoona's voice calling him, 2) today is the third day of the week that she's due to give birth, and 3) her cravings stopped a few weeks ago, so there's only one reason for her to be yelling for him like this.  

"Oh, my God." Luhan puts the shower on full blast and shoves his face under the shower to wash the suds away. He counts to two in his mind as he buffets his hands through his hair like frenzied helicopter blades, before jumping out of the shower, wrapping a towel around himself and not bothering to do anything about his dripping hair. "Yoona!" he calls. "Where are you?"

He finds her in their room, standing in a puddle. Her eyes are wide. "My water broke; it just came out," she says. "My OB/GYN said it would probably just trickle, but it gushed out."

Luhan keeps his eyes on her as he throws on some clothes. The OB/GYN had explained the procedure they should follow when Yoona's water breaks, and although his nerves are running high, he forces himself to stay calm. "Are you having contractions?"

Yoona nods, face contorting. "They're not so bad right now, though."

Luhan doesn't bother fixing his inside-out sweater and takes her hand. "We should start heading to the hospital now. Are you ready?"

Yoona shakes her head, and he can see that she's trying hard not to lose her cool. Luhan squeezes her hand. "Neither am I."

 

***

 

Yoona is wheeled into the labour room 3 hours later, holding onto Luhan's hand the whole time like nothing else in the world exists. Her face screws up every few seconds because the contractions don't even feel separate anymore; they come in waves that overrun each other, long shocks of pain.

"Don't let go of my hand," she manages to whisper frantically, in between heavy breaths. Women in scrubs mill about the room, attending to different things, but for the moment, Yoona looks at nothing and no one but Luhan. Her eyes say, don't leave.

Luhan gives her hand a tight squeeze, despite the fact that his fingers are already turning blue. "I won't."

 

***

 

On March 16, baby Taemin is born, 8 minutes before Jongin, who is born at 12:02, March 17. It's an uncommon and unexpected situation, something Luhan thinks the twins will be able to tell stories about at school; "We're twins, but we don't have the same birthday!" Luhan smiles at the thought.

Despite being the older twin, Taemin is lighter (weighing in at 4 and a 1/2 pounds, while Jongin is a good 6 pounds) and has a smaller frame. In contrast to Taemin's feathery strands of hair, Jongin has a full head of hair and opens his eyes before his older brother, blinking with a vaguely puzzled expression on his face.

There are not enough letters to arrange into a combination that can describe the way Luhan and Yoona feel right now. It's hard to simply grasp that they had brought these two beautiful children into the world themselves, that these living and breathing human beings have their blood, that they are now a family. It's a feeling you have to feel yourself to understand.

Luhan thinks that his cheeks will split and his heart is about to burst and his fingertips are tingling with excitement and anxiety and love, waves of it, all at the same time. Like parts of his internal organs are spontaneously combusting because there's no way his body can handle this happiness right now. I'm a father, he keeps thinking. A father.

He doesn't know how long he stares at his children for, and it doesn't matter to him that it's too early in the morning and their half of the world isn't awake yet. Nothing matters right now except this, the three people he loves most in the world− Taemin, Jongin, and Yoona.

Both babies rest in Yoona's arms at the moment. She looks drained but overjoyed, her pale skin flushed with the thrill of those first moments of realisation that she has just joined the ranks of parenthood; he can feel the same expression stretching his own features.

Their heads find each other, connecting as they gaze over their two boys. Hands touch hands touch hands touch hands as Yoona places all their hands together on her lap, Jongin and Taemin's little pink fingers on their pale, slender ones.

Taemin's hand is stubborn and keeps curling back into a fist, and Yoona smiles as Luhan straightens his fingers out over and over again, a frown creasing the space between his eyebrows. Jongin's hand jumps for Yoona's and his fist curls around her thumb, squeezing till his tiny fingernails turn yellow.

They smell like sunshine in mid-July, and Luhan thinks there's nothing more unreal than running his hands down his sons' arms and feeling the heat that radiates from their little bodies. Heat that comes from small hearts, pumping blood through a network of veins and capillaries just like his own.

"I can't believe this," Luhan murmurs into Yoona's hair. He squeezes his eyes shut, so as to better preserve this moment, the way he feels, in his mind. He locks these seconds, these cheek-splitting, heart-bursting, finger-tingling moments of his life, into the spaces in his heart.

And when Yoona kisses his forehead and says, "I can't, either," Luhan thinks that he's never felt more whole in his life.  

 

***

 

"Oh, my God, this is so weird!" Yoona lets out a sound that could either be a squeal of fear or a too-high nervous giggle as Taemin feeds. It's been a few minutes since her last exclamation of Oh-my-God-Luhan-what-do-I-do, but Yoona still can't get used to the feel of it.

The twins had been taken away an hour after birth to do some tests to make sure their health is in good order. The doctor had said that they hadn't found any problems, except for the fact that Taemin is a little underweight. He'd said that it's nothing to worry about; Taemin will just need to feed and gain some more weight.  

So when Taemin showed his first signs of hunger, Luhan had encouraged Yoona to let him feed. The results were somewhat comical; Yoona's first reactions flipped from Ow, this kind of hurts to This feels so weird, I can't even begin to explain it and My feels like it's being into a vacuum, Luhan, is this normal.

There's something strangely touching about watching the process, Luhan thinks, and if he wasn't the father of the child nuzzled in Yoona's and the child sleeping in his arms, then he might feel like an intruder on the scene. It's nothing like that, though; everything right now is new, and Luhan is fascinated by all of it, down to the wrinkles on Jongin's puffy lips and Taemin's distinctly separated eyelashes.

Out of the two fraternal twins, Yoona and Luhan had agreed that Taemin bears their resemblance more clearly. Though it's still a bit too early to tell, it's obvious in the curve of his eyelids and the faint slope of his jaw that he's Yoona and Luhan's son. Jongin, on the other hand, has Luhan's father's skin tone and Yoona's chin; two subtle features that mark him as part of the family.

Luhan's senses feast on these observations, soaking up all the little details that he's determined to remember for the rest of his life. He wonders if all first time fathers feel this way, and if they don't, then Luhan thinks they're seriously missing out.

 

***

 

"Gosh, I could just eat you two up like ice cream!"

Sehun shoots Yuri an odd sideways glance when she squeals unintelligible floods of praise about how cute the twins are. Every now and then, she'll say something really strange and Sehun eventually resigns himself to Luhan's side, murmuring things about how the twins are lucky Yuri is not actually a cannibal.

The two of them, Sehun and Yuri, are visiting for the first time, and though he doesn't show it, Luhan knows Sehun is excited. As a child, Sehun had always had more energy than everyone else around him, and the child in him still lives in there somewhere (or so Kris tells Luhan, who really did not want to know), ignited by the presence of other little bodies of energy.

Both twins are awake, but all Taemin seems to want to do is blink, and Yuri seems fine with that. "He has your eyes, Yoong," she gushes. "And Luhan's face shape."

Luhan laughs. "That's exactly what we said."

"It's true, though; I can see the resemblance. But they're both so quiet," Sehun remarks. "Do they even cry?"

"I think it's because they know you two are unfamiliar," Yoona says. "They're still trying to get used to their surroundings."

"Gosh, the looks on their faces," Yuri says. "Makes you just want to pinch their cheeks. Like marshmallows."

"What is with you and food similes..." Sehun mutters. Luhan thinks that their mother and Yuri are similar in that aspect (comparing cute things to food), and wonders what she will be like when she meets her grandchildren for the first time.

"Hey, can I..." Sehun hesitates. "Can I hold one of them?"

"Sure," Luhan says, picking Jongin up. He explains the correct way of handling a newborn ("don't do anything stupid") before handing Jongin over to Sehun.

For a moment or two, Sehun stands perfectly still, shoulders hunched over as he tries his hardest to keep his arms in a comfortable position. He stares at Jongin with parted lips, and Luhan smiles. "It's unreal, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Sehun breathes. "I'm an uncle. An uncle. Uncle Sehun. Damn, I feel so old."

Luhan laughs. "You're not the only one."

 

***

Two weeks later

 

Taemin and Jongin never fail to remind Luhan and Yoona that they are now parents. The reminders come in the form of demanding cries, rousing them from their sleep at all hours and the aftermath is beginning to show itself on the faces of the new parents; under-eye circles, perpetually frazzled hair, and arms that are now moulded around the head of each twin.

It's only been a few days since Yoona and the twins discharged from hospital, but it's been long enough for a new routine to take over Luhan and Yoona's daily lives. Their new schedule looks something like this: Eat. Sleep. Feed the twins. Shower. Repeat.

The twins sleep at different times and only when it suits them, which sometimes means silence at 4pm from Jongin and banshee-like wails from Taemin at the same time, and vice versa; when this happens, Luhan notices that the other twin will frown at the crying one with a look that says, Man, we're all tired. Please be quiet. Or maybe he's imagining things.

The twins never sleep for more than 5 hours and eventually, Yoona and Luhan don't get any more sleep than that, either. They settle on a rotation of turns to decide whose turn it is to settle the whoever is crying, and when Taemin starts screaming at 2 on a particular Sunday morning, it's Luhan's turn.

He groans, rubbing his face a few times. The awfully raw, ear-assaulting cries of the eldest newborn get impossibly louder and Luhan swings his legs quickly over the side of the bed, ambling over to the cot and lifting Taemin into his arms.

"Shh..." Luhan murmurs, patting Taemin's back gently and swaying on the spot in the hopes of lulling his son back to sleep. He starts humming the tune of Yoona's favourite song, holding Taemin close to his body until his cries subside.

"Are you hungry?" Luhan whispers, kissing Taemin's cheek softly. "Mommy's still asleep. Just wait a little bit, okay? Mommy's very tired right now."

He rocks Taemin back and forth in his arms slowly, still humming. Luhan has noticed that Taemin takes less time to calm down than Jongin, but when he's crying, he makes sure everyone knows about it; even Jongin doesn't cry anywhere near as loud when he's hungry.

Luhan has also noticed that Taemin is still relatively light for his age, still delicate and tiny in comparison to Jongin. He wonders if they'll be 'those twins' at school, the ones whom no one knows are even twins until they say so.

Barely five minutes pass before Taemin starts crying again. Though he's louder than Jongin, his cries are distinctly different. Taemin seems to call on all the air in his lungs and 'dry-shrieks', as Yoona calls it, crying like someone who's losing their voice. Every few seconds, he pauses and wheezes a little, sometimes coughing, before continuing.

Luhan squeezes his eyes shut, silently begging Taemin to please, please stop. He's sorely tempted to wake Yoona up, but she had only just took care of an episode with Jongin, and it won't be fair to her if he doesn't try his absolute hardest to calm Taemin down.

He sways on the spot faster, rubbing Taemin's back soothingly, and begins humming Don't Cry.

 

***

 

When Jongin starts crying the next day, in the middle of the night, Yoona blinks herself into half-consciousness and shakes Luhan's shoulder. "It's your turn," she mumbles. "Luhan. Jongin's crying."

She shakes him a few more times, but he doesn't budge. Yoona sighs and pulls him towards her by the shoulder, rolling him onto his back. He lands with a soft thud, but still does not move, deeply buried in clouds of sleep, knocked out cold by exhaustion.

Yoona's face softens. The shadows under Luhan's eyes have crawled into the hollows of his cheeks and he looks completely spent. She knows how hard he's been working, but she's never really stopped to fully acknowledge it until now; she hasn't had a chance to, not when the twins have been demanding her attention.

It's moments like these that make her wonder what miracle she performed in her past life to have someone like Luhan in her life. Sweet, hardworking Luhan. He's hardly changed since he met her, yet he's managed to change the way she thinks about him. Yoona is still trying to figure out how that makes her feel; she's not sure that the final say will be up to her, though. Luhan is like the calm waves that erode cliffs over time, and her heart just happens to be a cliff right near the edge of the sea.

An overwhelming urge takes hold of her, and Yoona finds herself leaning closer and closer to Luhan, until he's close enough that she can see the tiny scar on his lip, silver in the dark. Closing her eyes, she presses a kiss to his cheek; just as she does so, Jongin's cries bring her back to the present.

Sighing, Yoona casts one last glance at Luhan before slipping out of bed to take care of Jongin.  

 

***

 

 

A/N:  Oh God, finally. It's been exactly a month since I updated and I feel so bad. I'm so sorry for making you guys wait so long ;-;

I know the story might be moving really slowly right now... But that's how I planned it.

I haven't edited this for the third time yet, so there may be errors, but I'll get around to fixing them later. I tried to make everything as real as possible, but there's only so much that research (and awkward questions I asked my mother) can do, and if I wrote about anything and it's wrong, don't hesitate to tell me! :)

Also, Luhan's poem is entirely mine, by the way :) And as to why Luhan hums Don't Cry and not Baby Don't Cry is because it wouldn't make sense for him to sing a song that's sung by a group that doesn't exist in the Tangerine Express universe. :L So instead, Luhan hums Park Bom's Don't Cry. For the record, I would love to hear him sing that. 

Anyway, sorry for the long wait and the long author's note. Thanks for reading~

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Fire_trek 274 streak #1
Chapter 16: Brilliant bravo, author nim, bravo 🎉 thank you for this story and all the emotional twists and turns that you put us through as an audience. I’d like to think they had a happily ever after, it brings me a peace of mind and heals my heart. Thank you again
Fire_trek 274 streak #2
Chapter 15: More tears 😭 and sadness, Yoona’s speech at the funeral was heartbreaking. But Luhan’s story to Jongin was beautiful and inspiring and real. Maybe not a happily ever after but a very special moment for him. I’m glad he knows his son and got his memories back. Can we please have a happy ending? Pls!
Fire_trek 274 streak #3
Chapter 14: I’m crying actual literal tears right now. How dare you write something so thought provoking and emotionally damaging for all of us to read? Poor little baby TAEMIN and poor little Jongin. Luhan has a son he doesn’t even know existed, dying and Yoona is nowhere to be found. Le sigh 😔
Fire_trek 274 streak #4
Chapter 13: Is he going to remember? That’s all I want to know and apparently my petition to let Yoona see TAEMIN worked! It’s sad how people talk when they think no one is listening… I hope my heart is not breaking by the end of this (even if I feel like it will)
Fire_trek 274 streak #5
Chapter 12: Luhan pls remember! Yoona just poured he heart out to you and you don’t even know. He can’t even remember poor lil baby TAEMIN! This is really breaking me up and we only have like 3/4 chapters left.
Fire_trek 274 streak #6
Chapter 11: I’m signing the “let Yoona see TAEMIN” petition right now. I know everything is messed up rn with Luhan’s amnesia but at least let her see her kid. I wish Luhan remembered them hopefully he remembers TAEMIN at least. This was such an emotional chapter, but such a good one
Fire_trek 274 streak #7
Chapter 10: Yes! Yes! And yes! Finally Yoona gets that emergency call. (Sad it had to happen but I’m glad it did) oh, Luhan I hope you can at least walk for TAEMIN’s sake. I can’t wait until the next chapter because I know that Yoona and Luhan will be reunited… please?
Fire_trek 274 streak #8
Chapter 9: Little TAEMIN being sick is not good for my little heart. I’m glad that Luhan is an attentive parent and is always on top of everything. I feel bad for him when he called Yoona and received a different message if only he would have called earlier. Also uncle Sehun! I wish he’d tell Yoona about their whereabouts.
Fire_trek 274 streak #9
Chapter 8: Omg Yoona confessed her love for Luhan and Jongin had his first steps and said his first word! So exciting! Now onto the sadness :( TAEMIN will only live to thirty? That’s heartbreaking and Luhan can’t let him leave the hospital for 7 months, that’s ridiculous. Also I’m not ready for chapter 9
Fire_trek 274 streak #10
Chapter 7: Yes, I saw all the SNSD members and some TVXQ members as well, I love little cameos like that. And wow, Luhan, way to leave the country without letting Yoona know only to find out that CF is inherited from both parents smh I hope he contacts her or something. And here I thought at the beginning of the story that Yoona was a bad parent and up and left him. I was totally wrong. I feel bad for both of them