“You don't get explanations in real life. You just get moments that are absolutely, utterly, inexplicably odd.” 
― Neil Gaiman

Hello, everyone!

I have this belief that stories don't end just because you finish reading them. There is so much more that can be discussed and explained, and so the following is an analysis of Tangerine Express— the thought behind it, the characters, the themes, and so on. You don't have to read this, but the story will have more meaning to you and you'll understand it more if you read even just parts of this analysis. I hope it clears up some questions and/or makes you rethink your initial thoughts on the story.

First off, I actually didn't know what the heck I  was thinking when I started Tangerine Express. After She Likes The Rain, I knew I wanted to continue writing Luyoon, but I didn't know what I wanted to write about. I went through various phases of thinking up scenarios, then discarding them because they had already been written before or because I didn't think they'd fit both Luhan and Yoona. So because I couldn't think of a plot, I decided to think of a title, just so I wouldn't lose hope and motivation to write another Luyoon. While browsing online for interesting movies that could inspire me, I came across the movie Pineapple Express. I didn't watch it, and to this day, I still have no idea what it is about, but I loved the title and it got me thinking. I picked my favourite colour word (tangerine) and tacked it onto the beginning, and got Tangerine Express. At first, I thought it was ridiculous. I thought, Wow, how am I going to make a serious, angsty story out of a title like this?

And then I thought two things simultaneously:

1) What if Luhan and Yoona had twins?

and

2) Doesn't the word 'express' have something to do with trains?

Once I thought those things, I was off like a bullet. I planned for days before I ended up with a story. But to be honest, the story I imagined then was very different to the one I ended up writing. Originally, Yoona was meant to be a much more flirtatious character, and while that may have shown up slightly in the first chapter, it pretty much disappeared in the following chapters. Also, Taemin and Jongin were both supposed to be sick, but Jongin's sickness was supposed to turn up later, when Yoona arrived in Japan. Jaejoong wasn't originally planned to be a character in the story at all, and when I decided to include him, it was for the purposes of a love triangle (i.e. Luhan-Yoona-Jaejoong). The reason I changed all those things was because a) I realised the idea of writing those things didn't appeal to me and b) they didn't seem very realistic and would have made the story like an awkward surprise party with too many guests— you don't know who to look at first, and there are too many unexpected happenings that don't make sense. In the end, I think it was for the better. Because I made Yoona's character more vulnerable, we were able to sympathise with her. Because only Taemin was sick, we got to ponder the possibilities of what happens to those who are left behind and think about the cruel reality of loss. Because Jaejoong wasn't caught in a love triangle, the story was able to focus on the original trouble-ridden love of the story, Luhan and Yoona, and their faith in each other remained unchallenged by anyone else.

Even though the story changed a lot, one thing that remained constant from the moment I decided to write about Luyoon + twins was that I wanted to write about family. I didn't want it to have a 'Hello Baby' feel, though, because in real life, family isn't like that. Family isn't about trying to win someone's love by being overly fluffy; while there's nothing wrong with that, that's a reality show, but not reality. I wanted to write about the hardships of family, but also about the innate sense of belonging that comes with being part of a family. At times, family life is hard, but when you are no longer with your family, you feel as though you are not where you used to be, that you have left a part of yourself somewhere else. That's what I tried to show in Tangerine Express. Despite the fact that Luhan and Yoona never really had that much time together (and even then, it wasn't without complication and awkwardness), they managed to form a bond of love and family with each other and with their sons; it's for this reason that even after six years, they still feel as though they need to come back to each other to feel complete.

At the beginning of each chapter (even this one!), I used a Neil Gaiman quote. If you've read any of my other stories, you might know that I am a huge fan of Neil Gaiman, but that isn't the only reason I used quotes from his writing. Somehow, every time I tried to look for a quote that basically summarised the feelings and/or themes of the chapter, I ended up with a Gaiman quote and I had to use it—it's almost as if it was meant to be, right? ;)

Speaking of the feelings and themes of each chapter, I won't discuss each chapter in detail, but the purpose of every single chapter was to further the characters' growth as much as it was to continue the plot. For example, in the first chapter, Luhan is closed up, not very social, and Yoona has a wall around herself and is quite (as Sehun calls her) "a ". However, as soon as the second chapter, they both change; Luhan opens himself up to the possibility of sharing his life when he marries Yoona, and Yoona shows her vulnerability. The same goes for Sehun— in the beginning he is snarky, pushing his brother to do more, but as the story progresses, though we see less and less of him, it's obvious that he has more tact and is more reserved than he used to be. Actually, now that I'm on the topic of character growth and change, I might as well analyse them more thoroughly.

Luhan

It could be argued that Luhan is the main character of the story, on the grounds that there are hardly any scenes in which Yoona's (or anyone else's) perspective takes centre stage. Throughout the story, I did consciously use a lot of Luhan's point-of-view because he sees and does the most— he makes the decisions (to marry Yoona, to leave Korea etc) and he is the only one who sees both Jongin and Taemin day in and day out when they are still a few months old.

His character is seemingly perfect, as he looks after Yoona without getting much in return and he also gives away his time, care, and efforts so willingly to those he loves. However, Luhan has a couple of major flaws, the first of which is that in being so selfless, he doesn't live for himself. When he gets stuck in a rut in his life and Jaejoong tells him that he should get a job, only then does Luhan realise that almost everything he does is for someone else. In making Luhan's character like this, I wasn't trying to suggest that we should all be selfish and put everyone after ourselves, always; that's not what I wanted to convey at all. I just wanted to show that sometimes, we have to do things for ourselves; that sometimes the love and care we feel we need to give others is something we should spare for ourselves first.

Another flaw Luhan has is that if he has to run away and abandon one problem to solve another, he will do it. When Luhan left Yoona out of guilt and to help Taemin, there was a huge response and reaction from you all. Why would he leave her when her support is the best thing he could have right now? you all demanded, and rightfully so. Luhan's departure doesn't make sense, but I wrote it because there are people who make decisions that don't make sense, and they run away from things they should be sticking around to support.  Luhan doesn't always run away from his problems, but on more than one occasion, he does, even from the very beginning, and the decision to run away is influenced by his need to save something else. For example, when Yoona finds Luhan to tell him that she's pregnant, he runs away then because some part of him sense it's important and he doesn't want to involve himself with it (therefore saving himself the hurt and confusion). Similarly, when Luhan leaves Korea, on the one hand, he's helping Taemin, but on the other, he's running away from Yoona and from all the problems he'd face as a result of staying. Even when Luhan loses his memory, he initially refuses to acknowledge that Yoona was an important part of his life, even though he is faced with the evidence of it, because he wants to save himself the pain of knowing that he lost parts of himself and of his life.

Speaking of Luhan losing his memory, that is another topic in itself. When Luhan loses his memory, the fact that the memories of Yoona and his sons are the ones he loses shows that they cause him the most pain. The memory loss in itself could be considered some accidental form of escape on Luhan's part, as if he'll always be running away without meaning to. Also, when Luhan regains his memory, that doesn't mean he regains all of himself. When Yoona and Luhan are talking after Taemin's funeral, Luhan says this:

"...it's almost like you never left. Like I just woke up in the middle of a bad dream and found you by my side, and all the time I had with Taemin never happened. I have the memories of him, but it just doesn't feel real anymore. It doesn't feel like enough."

What he means by that is that when he lost his memory of Taemin then regained his memory, only to lose Taemin to death, he felt just as robbed as Yoona did. Maybe even for years after the events of Tangerine Express, Luhan will be confused because the memories he has of Taemin aren't things he can share with anyone, because the only person he could share them with (and the only person who would understand the memories), is Taemin, and he's gone. It's just like what Hazel describes in The Fault In Our Stars, how losing Augustus is like losing her co-rememberer; the pleasure of remembering has been taken from her because the only person who could remember the memories with her (her co-rememberer) is gone.

Luhan's confusion and the feeling that he was robbed of the joy of his memories are the reasons that he doesn't cope well with Taemin's death. At the funeral, he isn't able to say the words that Yoona did, and even afterwards, he tells Yoona that he still can't believe it. In the end, Luhan's fate is summarised in a line of the last chapter:

"He [Luhan] draws strength from the belief that that place exists in another world, however shallow that belief may be."

What that quote means (because it was talking about Taemin) is that Luhan will, like Yoona, believe that Taemin has gone somewhere better, not just for Taemin's sake, but for his own, too. He will never be able to move on and he will never feel like he had enough time with Taemin if he doesn't think of Taemin in a world where everything is complete and well (even if that world doesn't exist, as Luhan acknowledges that the belief 'may be shallow'), the idea being that if Taemin is happier somewhere else, then they should be happy that he's happy. Once he (and Yoona) accepts that Taemin is happy even without them, he will be able to move towards his own happiness and start his life again.

Yoona

Yoona is a complicated character. She had a difficult childhood, which influenced her to put a wall around herself and guard her heart from further hurt. Because of this, she hardly opens up to people, and even when someone like Luhan, who is willing to give her the unconditional love she is so starved of, comes into her life, she is still reluctant to give up parts of herself to other people.

While many of you thought that Luhan leaving was a bad move on his part because Yoona needed support, I personally think that Yoona grew during their separation. She realised (albeit too late) how much Luhan had sacrificed, and she loved him for it, even though he had left. She loved him even then because she understood (and Luhan sees much later in the scene where he meets Jongin for the first time as his father) what he needed to do. She understood, she forgave, and she continued life with determination, but open to new opportunities— things she never would have done before Luhan had come into her life. If there was one thing I'd add if I had to write Tangerine Express again, it'd be writing more scenes of Yoona during Luyoon's separation, to show just how much she had matured.

In the end, the proof of Yoona's character changing is when she is the one supporting Luhan instead of the other way around, which is what it used to be. After Taemin's funeral, when Luhan asks Yoona if she would stop him from committing suicide, she says no because she understands how he feels, but she also adds that while it is tempting to give into pain, they shouldn't; they should keep going. In the first few chapters, it would have been Luhan saying this kind of thing to Yoona, and the fact that they have switched roles shows that Yoona has undergone deep personal growth, and is now willing to give as much as she receives.

Taemin

One of my biggest regrets about this story is that I emphasised Taemin's disease too much. It's not that I think that people who are sick cannot still live fully and have great adventures— I don't think that at all. I think people who have diseases like Taemin's most certainly can and do have great fun and joy in their lives, and while I did write in fun things for Taemin, I understand that it may seem as though his only role in the story was 'dying'. It wasn't, though. Taemin was supposed to be the symbol of childhood innocence at its best, and hope. Always hope.

Taemin's character wasn't as developed as I wanted him to be, but I hope it showed through that he was courageous. He knew that he was sick, and even though he was afraid, he did things, anyway. He let other people lead him (Luhan, Jaejoong, Jongin) and he trusted them to look after him, which is a strength in itself. Unlike his mother, Yoona, Taemin was generous with his trust, and while that could be viewed as a weakness, I think it was very strong of him. Not many people his age could understand what it's like to trust people when you're not in a position to challenge them if they harm you.

Jongin

I never meant to put much detail into Jongin's character, which in some ways I do regret, but I also think it was for the best. While Taemin is the epitome of hope, he does die, and Jongin is the one who is left behind, the one who is not fully aware of the extent of his loss, but will eventually be aware. What I wanted Jongin to represent is similar to Taemin: the child-like innocence of hope. Hope for the ones left behind, hope that even after pain, we will survive, we will get through it. Also, the little snippets of Jongin's character show that he has a strong personality. He is outspoken, and determined, too, which is shown especially when he insists that Taemin can play on the playground, and when he expects Taemin to nod a 'yes' or 'no' even as he's dying.

Jaejoong

Who doesn't love Jaejoong? Throughout the story, he is a constant helping hand, and a relief from the angst with his obsession with coffee and all things yellow. Jaejoong is what Yoona could have been (before she met Luhan) if she'd decided to continue trusting the world even though it had messed with her. He had to give up his wife and goes through life pretty much alone, but spreading cheer, trusting others, doing what he can. While it may seem that this kind of approach to life leaves him open to getting stepped on, we've seen that Jaejoong can be firm with his words, too. He urges Luhan to pick himself up and get a job, he questions Yoona as to whether or not she will stay because even though he knows she'll stay, he knows that by making her question her options, it'll strengthen her faith in standing by Luhan, someone who stood by her even when she wasn't responding to him. All over, Jaejoong is a good guy, the kind of person who could be your brother, your father or your husband and still act the same; still love you just as much.

I won't analyse the other characters (Sehun, Dr. Jung, Yuri, etc), but they do serve their purposes and each have their own unique personality, which I'm pretty sure you've noticed and formed your own opinion on. If I had to choose someone I wish I could have developed more out of the three, it'd have to be Dr. Jung, because he is such an integral part of the story, but except for the couple of scenes in the story from his point of view, not much is known about him apart from his slight awkwardness and the fact that he always seems to be hurrying somewhere.

The themes of this story are moving on, the preservation of innocence and strength in the face of hardships, death, the ways people deal with grief and problems, and many more that I cannot think of right now but I'm sure I must have had in mind at some point while writing this story. Though there was a lot of angst in this story, a lot of moments that seem hopeless, that was my goal. I wanted to give the story a feel of reality, of the way things don't always work. However, despite that, what I hope you'll take away from Tangerine Express is that sometimes, yes, bad things happen, but there is a way through it. You might not have to fight memory loss or move to Japan, but the idea is that you are stronger than what your circumstances shape you to be—like Taemin.

Additional notes:

-About the ending, I wasn't sure if many of you would be satisfied with the somewhat abrupt ending, but to me, it seemed like the right place to end it. However, I'm not going to pull a Van Houten on you and if you really want to know what happens afterwards, it goes something like this: Luhan, Yoona and Jongin go back to Korea and continue on with their lives; once a year, the family visits Japan to see Taemin and Jaejoong. Jaejoong resigns from his job as a translator at Heiwa to become a journalist; he writes about all the people he meets, starting with Taemin. Dr. Jung meets a woman and gets married, but they don't have any children. Sehun and Kris call it quits for a while, but after a couple of months, they get back together and later adopt a child (which is tempting to write as a separate story, but I probably won't). Yuri, as a successful fashion designer, travels around the world after her break-up with Minho.

-I think I messed up the timeline somewhere in the story. With months in between updates, it was really difficult to keep track of when things were happening because the story was partly non-linear. If you find a mistake, please let me know, but only if you know how to fix it (e.g. if something says 5 years when it should say 4 years and 8 months or something, tell me the mistake and what I should change it to, and I will).

Thank you so much if you read this whole thing, or even parts of it, and thank you for reading the story. As of today, 20 July 2014, it has been exactly a year and a half since I started the story, and let me tell you, it has been an amazing ride. It was definitely a lot of hard work, a lot of late nights, early mornings, sore eyes from proofreading and sore hands from writing scenes and rewriting them until I was satisfied. Thank you all for being so patient and for sticking with me until now. I still can't believe it's already over.

(Also, if you are interested in knowing what I'm doing after this, I'm working on a story called Noyade, which is very different from Tangerine Express. I don't know when or how often I'll be updating it, but that's what I'm occupying myself with. I'm also working on two collab stories with candylaura! I don't know when we'll be starting them, but hopefully it'll be soon. Keep your eyes peeled if you're keen!)

- Elle

xxxx