XI

Tangerine Express

“'Just go with it. It won't hurt.'

I stared at him. Adults only ever said that when it, whatever it happened to be, was going to hurt so much.” 

 

― Neil Gaiman, The Ocean at the End of the Lane

 


Before

 (March 2)

 

In a perfect world, two people could choose to love each other, and that would be the end of it. There would be no walls, no secrets, no wrenches thrown into the mix by third parties. Love would come before the 'I'll be home at 10's, or the 'next time, I swear it'll be different's; before the I'm sorry's that will eventually vary in sincerity as time passes.

But a perfect world can only exist if there are only two people in it; with more people, friction is inevitable, and putting effort into excuses seems easier than expending that same amount of effort into a relationship. Two people can choose to give each other love, but amidst a crowd, that love gets lost in translation. And in any case, how often does one actually choose to fall in love?

Such is the world— it is not perfect, but it is the only version of reality that everyone shares. And that reality includes more than seven billion people in the world; so much more than two. Which is why finding love is rare, and keeping it is rarer still.

 

*

 

Yoona's eyes stray, wandering around the cabin of the plane, never really settling anywhere. Passing glances are enough, though, for her to register that there are more people in the plane than she can count; people who must have things to do, places to be, and other people they struggle to love.

Thinking about it, the sheer complexity of life, makes Yoona shrink into her seat, lowering her eyes so they are nowhere at all, not even lost. Why am I here? she asks, though by now the question has been rendered pointless because every time she thinks of it, she has a different answer. To begin with, she isn't even sure if she means 'here' as in on here on Earth, or just here in this seat some thousand feet above the ground.

It doesn't matter where exactly 'here is, Yoona decides. Wherever it is, I will be there for Taemin, and for Luhan, she thinks, nodding along to each word. Maybe being this impulsive makes me stupid and reckless, and maybe I'm wasting my time and my life and my money. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Yoona exhales a tremble of a sigh, wringing her hands on her lap. She glances sideways at Jongin, who is asleep with his chin on his chest, drool staining the front of his shirt. She'd thought the sight of her son would reassure her, but instead it exacerbates the worry pressing against her sternum, clutching at her heart.

It's always been so simple, Yoona realises, for her to turn her head and see Jongin, to look at him like this, because she's come to expect him to be by her side every day.  In contrast, her expectations regarding Taemin and Luhan's involvement in her life are the opposite—in fact, they don't exist at all. Time had beaten her until she accepted that the two of them would never be a part of her life again.

Well, she thought she'd accepted it; the pendulum-like swoop of her stomach tells another story.

A voice sounds from the overhead speakers, informing the passengers that they will be landing soon. The notice seems to float past Yoona's ears. Her eyes skim the line of her shoulder, then out the window, glancing at the blood-orange tinged clouds, which are scattered over the sky like wisps of massacred cotton candy. The sun is setting, and as it does so, a tear trickles down Yoona's cheek.

Yoona blinks the incoming onslaught of tears away, smearing them to their deaths with fingers she has finally forced calm into. I don't have much more than the maybe's swirling around in my mind, but this time, I'm sure it will be different, she tells herself.

But just how different? another voice asks; (and perhaps what terrifies Yoona immediately afterwards is not the question itself, but the fact that the voice is actually still her own).

 

***

 

The wind bites like peppermint but smells like the vomit of cars, an odd cocktail that hits Yoona like a back-handed slap as she ducks out of the taxi with Jongin balanced on her hip. Tokyo smells like Seoul, and at the same time, it does not, as if the city itself is making it clear that this is not home.

"Excuse me," Yoona says, and to her surprise, the driver turns and acknowledges her with a grunt. Momentary relief courses through her, overriding the annoyance she could have felt about his lack of manners— it doesn't matter; at least he'd understood her.

She realises he's waiting for her to continue speaking. "Oh. Uh..." Fingers sliding frantically on her  phone screen, she opens the translator app that has been her bible since she arrived.

With what she hopes isn't too terrible of an accent, Yoona stutters a sentence that is supposed to ask him for help with her bags. The driver purses his lips, and his eyes dart from her to Jongin, and back again. Twice. Yoona is just beginning to wonder if she should repeat her request, when he gives another grunt and gets out of the car.

A few minutes later, the taxi trundles away, belching smoke; Yoona stands in its wake, with her bags at her feet like a family of lumpy pebbles. In her arms, Jongin stirs, wrinkling his nose and coughing. Absently, Yoona pats his back and steps away from the exhaust fumes, lifting her head to take in the building in front of her.

A lump forms in and she has to swallow as she realises that the last time she can remember being outside any kind of medical centre was when she was discharged after giving birth, with Luhan as the backbone of not only his own life, but hers and their twin sons', too.

Now, Yoona is her own backbone.

In the distance, a car honks loudly, and she blinks, her vision focusing. For a moment, she'd seen vague images of orange paint and stars, but now all she sees are grey buildings and an even greyer sky.

She was right about one thing— this time will be different.

 

***

 

"I was told you could tell me where my son is."

Jaejoong stares.

He's been staring at the woman since he first saw her appear in the hallway, for one reason: he knows who she is. He knows who she is, not because Yunho had just confirmed that she is here because he had no choice but to call her, but because she fits every detail of the many images Luhan had painted verbally; images which, over time, Jaejoong had  inevitably memorised.

Actually seeing her here in front of him almost crushes the air out of Jaejoong's lungs—not because he is staggered by her beauty (maybe in another world that would be the case, but not in this one) but because when he looks at her, he sees impending breakdown on her part, and guilt on his. It's like an artist meeting the long-deceased muse of his paintings, only the muse does not know that they have died.  

This is Yoona, Jaejoong thinks, finally conjuring her name up, as if keeping away from it before made her less real. It must be her. This is... Luhan's wife. He swivels to look behind him at his friend, but Yunho's eyes are trained on the floor. Biting his lip, Jaejoong turns back to face Yoona.

This is Taemin's mother.

Yoona's dress ruffles, and Jaejoong's eyes are drawn toward the movement. That's when he sees that her dress hadn't moved by itself— a little someone hides behind her leg, tugging on the fabric of her clothes. Suddenly, the child—a boy—lifts his gaze and locks eyes with Jaejoong, whose mouth goes dry. Luhan said he has two sons, he remembers. Twins. Taemin, and...

...Jongin. Jaejoong finds he can't look away from those eyes. This must be Jongin. It occurs to him—hits him like whiplash; suddenly, briefly, painfully—that after all these years, he gets to see Jongin before Luhan does. It doesn't seem fair. Unbidden, Jaejoong sees his wife in his mind's eye, and the words, 'plug' and 'over' and 'nothing more we can do' come to mind, and he thinks, When is life ever fair?

After a few forevers have passed, Yoona decides that she does not have the patience wait for the men to  answer her. "Do you know where my son is, or not?" she repeats, then pauses for a beat, realising something. She clears . "Well, it might make it easier if you knew who I was. I'm Y—"

"Yoona," Jaejoong finishes, but he hears Yunho's voice overlapping his, saying the same thing. They look at each other, and Yoona looks between the two of them; she settles on Jaejoong, eyes narrowed.

"You know my name. Are you a doctor?"

"No."

"How about him?" She jerks her head in Yunho's direction.

"Listen," Jaejoong starts, though at the same time, Yunho raises his hand a little and answers, "Yes, I am."

Jaejoong glares at Yunho, then turns back to Yoona. "Listen," he says again. "I'm not a doctor, but I know you because I know your son—Taemin— and I know where he is." At this, Yoona's eyes light up, and Jaejoong feels a pang in his gut, knowing that Taemin is separated from her by nothing more than the door standing less than two metres away, but she doesn't know that. And he's not going to tell her. Yet.

Just as Yoona opens , Jaejoong holds up a hand. "Wait a second. I know you want to see Taemin, and you will, but first... there's something you have to know."

Yunho clears his throat. "A few things, actually."

At this, Jaejoong can see that Yoona is trying to hide the feelings bubbling beneath the surface of her  carefully constructed mask, but her curled fists—nails dug into her palms so intensely her knuckles are white—betray her. "You're trying to say that you only have bad news, don't you?" She takes a deep breath in, then huffs it out. "Okay. But... before you say anything else, there's something I want to know."

Jaejoong exchanges a glance with Yunho. "Something you want to know?"

Yoona hesitates, glancing down at the little boy clinging to her—Jaejoong had forgotten Jongin was even there. "It's been six years," she says finally. "Well, almost. And ever since the call came, asking me to come here, I've wondered, Why now?" She lifts both shoulders, then drops them. "Why do you need me now, if you didn't need me before? I assumed things were going well enough, since, you know... I didn't even know anything about Luhan being in Japan."

Jaejoong purses his lips. He knows what she's really asking. If he dissected the organs of her words, the heart and soul behind it, he'd have something more like: "I was asked to come here because something serious happened, right? I want to know what it is."

The two men look at each other again, and Jaejoong knows without asking that he has to be the bearer of bad news. "Well... what you're saying isn't exactly correct. During the time you weren't here, things weren't perfect." Jaejoong makes quotation marks in the air; he's sidestepping her question, he knows, but he isn't lying, either.

"I didn't say anything was perfect," Yoona replies impatiently. "I just said things must have been going well enough."

Jaejoong grimaces, thinking of the incident that landed Taemin into the intensive unit in the first place; of the accident that Luhan didn't exactly come out of in a well enough state. "I guess you could say before,  everything was well enough, yeah, but that's not the point." He takes a breath. "You're right in thinking something bad happened."

This is when Jaejoong tells himself that he has to tell her about Luhan, that he has to say something, but when he opens his mouth, nothing comes out.

"Luhan was in a car accident, Yoona." In the end, Yunho tells her instead; softly, as if it will dull the impact, but glass wrapped in tissue still breaks when it is flung at a wall. "He's currently in a coma."

Yoona stares.

Jaejoong knows what it's like to be in her shoes— feeling nothing, seeing nothing, hearing nothing except the ocean roaring in her ears; it was like that for him when the doctors asked him if he wanted to pull the plug on his wife's life support. Then, so suddenly Jaejoong doesn't even see it happen, Yoona is on her knees. Jongin—Jaejoong had almost forgotten him, he'd been so quiet— stands beside her, frozen and bewildered.

She is not crying, Jaejoong sees. Yoona's eyes are wide open, and she rocks back and forth on her heels, staring blankly at the floor as moves restlessly. After a moment, he realises she's muttering something, over and over:  "No, I can't be too late."

As seconds dissolve into the air, Jongin recovers himself and edges forward, placing a tiny hand on his mother's shoulder. He shakes her, peering into her face. "Mommy?"

Jaejoong swallows. He can't so much as look at Jongin without thinking of Taemin, of Luhan, and of all the things Yoona doesn't know— all the things it would be better, easier, less painful for her to know. A voice inside him wonders if she should know; if she deserves to be hurt any further.

"Luhan hasn't been in a coma for long," Yunho says carefully, and Jaejoong looks at him with a start. "He may still wake up. If that happens, would you... would you still want to see him?"

At this, Yoona stops rocking and looks up. Jongin follows suit, his wide eyes locking with Jaejoong's, who almost winces. Jongin does not look like Taemin at first glance, but as Jaejoong holds his stare, eyes darting from each of Jongin's minute features, stringing them together, the resemblance starts to take form. There is something of Luhan in Jongin's face, too, just as there is in Taemin's.

Yoona nods, and Jaejoong is swayed by surprise for a moment when he sees that there is no hesitation in her expression. "Of course." Her voice is quiet, but firm. Resolute. "Of course I want to see him."

Those seven words weigh down on Jaejoong for a moment, rock him backwards with their impact, and then suddenly, he knows. He knows now why Luhan was never able to let Yoona go or give up on her all these years, why her photo is still in his wallet. Because when Jaejoong searches Yoona's eyes, he sees faith, even though, given the circumstances, he shouldn't. And if he can see it, then he has no doubt that Luhan had also known—or at least hoped—that she wouldn't let him go, either.

Actually... no, that's not right. Luhan hadn't known that she wouldn't let him go, Jaejoong thinks, remembering suddenly a conversation he'd had with Luhan, not too long ago. His friend had told him that he wasn't so sure about his wife— where Yoona was, how she was doing, if she'd moved on. "You don't know that," he'd told Luhan in response.

Jaejoong tilts his head thoughtfully. So maybe Luhan hadn't known what to expect from Yoona. But even if he'd let go of expectations, maybe he had held onto a sliver of hope, just as Yoona is doing now.

 

***

After

 

"I want you to listen to me very closely." Jaejoong frowns, moving his head so his face is blocking Yoona's view of the window behind him. "Yoona, look at me."

Yoona leans back a bit, putting space between them, and reluctantly drags her eyes to meet his. "The doctor just said he was awake. I need to see him."

"I know. But you have to wait—"

"All I have done for almost six years is wait!" Her voice isn't quite a yell, but her eyes are screaming. She opens , then closes it, glancing sideways at Jongin, who is asleep on the chair beside her, his chin on his chest. Then, with a voice that pleads as much as it trembles, she says, "That man in there isn't just a patient. He's my husband, and the father of my children. You don't understand— I need to see him."

"I know," Jaejoong says. "And I do understand. Luhan is my friend, and I know that holds a little less weight than your relationship with him, but I still care about him, and I know that he would want the best for you— and right now, you have to trust me when I say that the best thing you can do for yourself is wait, just a little bit longer. I have to speak to him first."

"Why can't I be the first one to speak to him?"

Jaejoong turns to look at her, expecting to see those wide eyes of hers—so uncannily like Luhan's—staring at him. But instead, he sees her staring at her hands like she doesn't know what they are; as if they belong to someone else.

He feels a grimace on his face. "Because..." Jaejoong trails off, looking for the right words, though he's not sure if there are any to be found at all. "Because you might not like what you hear."

For the first time, Yoona looks at him and actually holds his gaze. "What?"

"That's what I wanted to tell you," Jaejoong says. "The doctor said that with the injuries Luhan suffered, and the coma he fell into as a result, complications would most likely occur."

"Such as?"

Jaejoong tries to find that same faith he saw earlier in Yoona's eyes, but it seems to be lost in a whirl of other emotions. Or maybe the faith is there, but he just doesn't want to look too closely, just in case he finds it and starts wondering if it will disappear in the next few hours. He sighs. "Luhan might not remember anything."

 

***

After

 

The second thing Yoona discovers about Dr. Jung (the first being his name, of course, which he insists is "just Yunho, please") is that he reminds her of Jongin. Not in the way of physical appearance, but in his mannerisms— namely, his incessant fidgeting. Not once during their time sitting side by side in adjacent chairs outside Luhan's room do his hands stop moving; rubbing the back of his neck, fingers running through already tousled hair. His knee bounces, too, going up and down so fast it's a wonder the movement doesn't register as a blur. Eventually, he even gets to his feet, pacing back and forth. Yoona's jaw twitches.

"Are you okay?" Jongin asks, in the squeak of a child who isn't sure if he should be speaking.

It takes a fidgeter to spot a fidgeter, Yoona notes with amusement; it's something she used to say almost as often as Sehun used to insist that 'fidgeter' isn't a real word.

Dr. Jung looks around, bewildered for a moment, until he realises that the voice could have come from no one but the little boy on Yoona's lap. His gaze lowers a few feet, and he pushes a smile onto his face; Yoona thinks it looks a little strained, as if he isn't used to smiling. Maybe that's the way doctors are— Kris doesn't smile much, either, she thinks.

"Shh," Yoona chastises Jongin softly. "What did I tell you about manners?"

Jongin blinks. "But Mommy—"

"It's alright." Dr. Jung laughs, and this time, there's more body to his smile. "You know, he reminds me a little of Taemin."

The smile that was absently growing on Yoona's face dies, and suddenly is tight. She  doesn't have a question in mind when she opens to ask about Taemin, but specifics don't matter to her right now— she just wants to know more, or at least something about her son.

Her other son.

But just as Yoona gears herself to find her voice and say Taemin's name without falling apart, the door in front of them opens and Jaejoong comes out, shoulders heaving, as if he'd just exited a gym instead of a hospital room.

"He remembers." The words come out of Jaejoong's mouth almost as fast as Yoona's heart is beating. "Luhan remembers," he repeats. "He says he wants to take a walk. I'm going to get him a wheelchair—meet us at the cafeteria."

 

***

 

The unimpressed look on Luhan's face right now—left eyebrow raised, lips slightly pursed—is so familiar it hurts; Jaejoong wonders if Luhan remembers how many times his facial muscles have contorted that way. In the past, it was a look reserved for Jaejoong, for all the stupid things he'd said or done (especially when it was something inappropriate in front of Taemin), but right now, Luhan's eyes look past him, focusing on the thing that sits between them.

"A wheelchair? Really?" Now Luhan looks at him, and Jaejoong almost winces; that look is still there, and it hits him like an unexpected exclamation mark.

"Hey, better safe than sorry, right?" Jaejoong tries smiling, knowing that a laugh is beyond his capabilities right now. "Man, you just came out of a coma, did you really think the nurses and I would let you hobble around in the state you're in?"

"You could have gotten a pair of crutches or something."

"But that would require you to use more co-ordination than I'm willing to trust you with right now. Sorry, buddy," Jaejoong puts his hands up, and the wheelchair almost rolls away, "but it's the truth. Besides, after that car accident, I wouldn't be surprised if even your armpits are bruised. I don't think you want to dig crutches into your bruised armpits."

"Fine." Luhan sighs, and allows Jaejoong to help him into the wheelchair. As soon as he sits, however, it's obvious that he still doesn't think it's 'fine'. "If I knew I'd end up in this position," he mutters, "I wouldn't have asked to go for a walk. When I said walk, I meant it literally."

"Still not going to let that go, are you?" Jaejoong smiles a little, shaking his head. He pats Luhan on the back with one hand. "Well, you're not paralysed, so don't worry, you will get to walk. Eventually. Just give it a few days."

To Jaejoong's surprise, Luhan nods and doesn't say anything in response. He ought not to be surprised, he knows— this is the Luhan he had met, the one he'd befriended and saw almost every day for years; a man who swallows down the bitter swoops of life and endures what needs to be endured.

He's still the same person, Jaejoong remembers, eyes skirting along the back of Luhan's head. He can't see Luhan's expression, but he tells himself that if he could, it would be one he'd recognised. Still the same person, he thinks again. The only difference is that he just came out of a coma. He's disoriented, confused. I would be, too.

But even as he thinks it, something doesn't feel right.

As they pass a set of glass doors, Jaejoong manages to catch a glimpse of Luhan's reflection; there's a frown creasing his brow, like a cloud passing over a valley. Nudging Luhan's back lightly with his forearm, hands gripping the wheelchair handles tightly as they turn a corner, Jaejoong asks, "What're you thinking?"

Luhan shakes his head a little,  the movement so slight that Jaejoong might have missed it if he wasn't watching for it. "Nothing," he murmurs. Then, a little louder, "Where are we going?"

Jaejoong purses his lips, deciding not to ask what 'nothing ' means. "To the cafeteria. You need to eat."

"Don't patients get their food brought to them?"

"Huh. Do they?" Jaejoong tilts his head with a thoughtful frown, then shrugs. "Well then, I need to eat. And you're coming with me."

There is no response, and Jaejoong feels his ears twitch, almost as if they can sense the absence of words. From the angle of Luhan's head, it looks like he's staring at something up ahead, but when Jaejoong follows his gaze, he sees nothing but a continuation of the same white-washed walls, placards at regular intervals pointing out different sections of the hospital, nurses and doctors and visitors, their faces all blurring together— no change.

Luhan mumbles something that Jaejoong doesn't hear. He bends down, cocking his ear closer to Luhan's mouth. "What was that?"

"I said, something about this hospital is weird..."

Jaejoong looks around; again, there is nothing but the same, consistent blur of faces and white walls. Nothing out of the ordinary. "It looks pretty normal to me," he says. "You've been in a hospital before, haven't you?"

"Yes," Luhan answers, and Jaejoong hears a frown in his voice that must also be on his face. "But—"

"Oh, look, we're here," Jaejoong says suddenly, cutting Luhan off. The cafeteria is in view, and as they wheel towards the bay of brightly coloured shop signs, the rest of Luhan's sentence is lost to the smell of fresh food wafting into the air, where it evaporates into nothing and becomes history.

 

*

 

On the floor above Luhan's room is the first level of the children's section of the hospital, a fact Yoona had managed to gather from passing snatches of conversations that (miraculously) she'd been able to understand. She'd also learnt that the children's ward has a nursery, where parents drop off their child, or children, who were well enough not to need their eyes.

It was at the crossroads between the stairs to the nursery (Yoona had figured that was where they must lead to, considering the flux of human traffic in the form of parents with healthy-looking children) and the stairs down to the cafeteria, that she'd taken one look at Jongin and made a split second decision.

"Uh, Dr. J—Yunho?" she'd called, correcting herself last minute.

The doctor had turned immediately, eyes wide, as if he'd never expected her to use his name. "Yes?"

Yoona had glanced down at Jongin then, who had looked back up at her, his eyes asking a question that, for once, his mouth did not spill—What's happening, Mommy? "You go on ahead," she'd told Yunho. "I'll be right after you. There's... something I have to do first."

"Something you have to do?" Yunho parroted. "What...? Are you sure? I mean—"

Yoona hadn't wanted to hear the rest of his sentence, just in case it persuaded her to change her mind. So she'd killed his sentence with a nod. "Yes, I'm sure. I'll meet you at the cafeteria. I'm sure I can find my way there." She'd just used two 'sure's in her sentence, when really, she hadn't had the amount of confidence she should have had to use either of them at all.

But it had worked. Yunho had dropped a reluctant nod and carried on his way, and Yoona had departed in the opposite direction, up the stairs to the nursery. I'm sure, she'd repeated to herself as she dropped Jongin off at the nursery, where no one spoke a language he understands, and all the children were about half his age.

"I'll be back," Yoona had promised Jongin, tugging absently on his shirt collar, even though it hadn't needed fixing. The words are more of a reassurance to her than him, though; another I'm sure.

It's for the best that she had dropped Jongin off at the nursery, Yoona thinks now; best that she had decided not to take him with her. She isn't really sure what had scared her more into making the decision— the possibility that she wouldn't be able to hold herself together in front of Jongin when she finally faced Luhan again; or the possibility, however slight, that Luhan wouldn't be able to hold himself together when they met again.

Either way, Yoona knows it would be enough of a struggle to restrain the pent up hurricane of everything inside the two of them without their children there; Taemin wouldn't—couldn't—be here, anyway, and if Jongin were present, he would have no idea what was going on.

Yes; Yoona nods. It's for the best.

She's in the cafeteria now, sitting at a table opposite Yunho. His fidgeting doesn't bother Yoona at all anymore; she barely even notices, because she's just as restless, too.

This last stretch of waiting is the most excruciating; even more so than the past several years. Maybe it's because over the past (almost) six years, she'd become accustomed to expecting nothing, and now, suddenly, she knows that she has to wait for something that will happen. Anticipation hurts more when it's in a sharp burst rather than years of longing and waiting for fulfilment that never comes.

Her dress is bunched into fistfuls in her trembling hands, which are both clenched so tightly that it's a miracle the material hasn't torn yet. Yoona's eyes are the most agitated, though; they dart around the room, touching on the faces of the people coming into the cafeteria, moving on faster than she can blink, because none of them are who she is looking for, and a part of her is convinced that if she keeps searching, just searching, then eventually—

There. Yoona freezes all the way to the tips of her fingers. dries. There he is.

Coming towards them, making slow progress through the thick, hungry mid-morning crowd, is Luhan, sitting in a wheelchair that is being pushed by Jaejoong. From this distance, Yoona can't make out the smallest details of Luhan's face—details only she knows—but she can see that as a whole, he doesn't appear to have changed much; the observation drives a wedge into her chest, lodging it there, right near her heart.

Luhan isn't looking at her, probably because he's dazed by the crowd— or maybe, Yoona realises with horror, because he thinks that he's looking for someone different, that maybe the years of separation have made her unrecognisable, and at the thought, Yoona wants to stand up, to yell, "I'm here!" but she doesn't.

They come closer and closer, and still Luhan doesn't look at her. Eventually, the space between them becomes several metres, then a few, and then they're face to face.

Something is wrong.

Yoona doesn't know what she had expected—had she had any expectations at all? Perhaps she'd imagined something deep down, something like shock in Luhan's eyes when he finally saw her again, but as Jaejoong slows the wheelchair right down to a stop in front of the table, Yoona sees that Luhan's face, his expression... is blank.

And it stays that way when his eyes come to rest on her.

No one says anything. Yunho looks at Jaejoong, who looks at Luhan, who looks at Yoona, and then at everyone else; his eyes dart around, sensing the heavy atmosphere. "Well, uh..." he turns slightly to look at Jaejoong. "What are we doing? Are we... waiting for something? Who are these people?"

Yoona makes a little choking sound, and all eyes swivel towards her. But she doesn't feel it— doesn't feel the stares on her, only the feeling of being submerged. All of a sudden, she feels as though she's underwater, enclosed in a glass case that lets nothing in, not even her own thoughts. Her mind is silent.

"Is she okay?" Luhan asks, and his voice is indistinct, like a reflection on a steamed-up mirror. Then, in a quieter voice that manages to reach Yoona's ears through the glass: "Who is she?"

Yoona looks at Luhan—probably stares, even—but she doesn't see him. Suddenly, she remembers something—the last thing—Jaejoong had said before going into Luhan's room. "The doctor said that with the injuries Luhan suffered, and the coma he fell into as a result, complications would most likely occur."

"Luhan might not remember anything."

But... but Jaejoong had said he remembered. So why—?

"This is my... sister," she hears someone—Jaejoong, it must be—say from somewhere around her; he could be behind or beside her, for all she knows. "Luhan, do you mind if she and I talk for a bit?"

Yoona doesn't hear anyone answer, but a second later, she feels herself being pulled gently to her feet, and she thinks briefly that maybe this is what it feels like to be carried away by the sea.

 

***

 

An awkward atmosphere spawns the need to say something—anything—to stifle it, but Yunho finds that when he opens his mouth, Luhan already has something to say.

"So..." Luhan starts. "Who are you?"

"I'm a paediatrician," Yunho answers, half by instinct, and half because a part of him hopes that maybe reminding Luhan of who he is will reawaken memories. Then he adds, "I was T—I mean... I was your doctor, I guess."

"Wait, you were my doctor?" Luhan tilts his head, frowning. "But you're a paediatrician. Isn't that, like, a doctor for children?" He snorts. "I'm not a kid anymore, and you don't look old enough to have been my childhood family doctor. So, why were you my doctor?"

I should have lied, Yunho realises belatedly. "It's complicated," he answers, giving a strained smile. He leans forward, propping his forearms on his knees. "Listen, you don't remember me, but we do know each other. Because of the accident, you lost some memories."

"That's what they told me, but..." Luhan breaks off; shakes his head. "It doesn't really feel like I've forgotten anything."

"You have," Yunho insists, "otherwise, you'd remember me." And Yoona. Your wife. A sudden thought occurs to him. "You say it doesn't really feel like you've forgotten anything. Are you saying there are memories you can recall?"

Nodding slowly, Luhan says, "Well, yes, I guess."

"Like what?" Yunho presses. He leans back, spreading his arms. "Tell me your life story— everything and anything you can remember."

But Luhan doesn't answer, because he is no longer paying attention. His eyes have wandered, landing somewhere above their heads. Yunho follows his gaze, and finds himself looking at a sign hanging from the ceiling, pointing to the toilets. "Uh, Luhan...?"

Luhan's frown is deeper than lunar canyons. "That's it," he murmurs to himself.

"W-what's it?" Yunho asks, peering from Luhan's troubled face to the sign, and back; back and forth, several times. "Luhan, what's wrong?"

"Oh, I just forgot where we were," Luhan says, shaking his head and hands dismissively, the way a teacher does when he forgets something and his class chides him for it. "You know, when I came out of my room for the first time, and Jaejoong was wheeling me down halls with all the signs in Japanese, I couldn't figure out then what was different about them." He smiles sheepishly, but Yunho does not return the sentiment. "You're right; I must really have forgotten memories because of the car accident. But it's okay, I remember now. We're in Japan."

Yunho's mouth opens, then closes. "So... do you remember me, then?"

Luhan narrows his eyes, then shakes his head. "No, I- I don't see you in my memories." The tone of his voice makes it sound like he's asking a question. "I just remember... coming here a few years ago, from Korea. I came here because I'd just left my job and I was looking for a fresh start." Suddenly, Luhan shoots up, and immediately his face contorts in pain; he slumps back into the seat of his wheelchair. "Shouldn't have done that," he mutters.

"What?" Yunho's eyes are wide. "What is it?"

"I was just thinking," Luhan says, "my brother probably has no idea I've been in an accident. I mean, it's been a while since I've spoken to him— I think— but still... I should tell him."

"Your brother," Yunho parrots, his mouth going dry. Luhan's words are ringing in his ears: I'd just left my job and I was looking for a fresh start. That must mean he doesn't remember Taemin, because the sole reason Luhan had come to Japan, all those years ago, was for Taemin. 'A fresh start' was never something Luhan had pursued willingly. But...

 He remembers his brother.

"Yeah. Sehun." Luhan nods, as if it makes perfect sense; as if calling his brother is a normal thing. As if there is no disconnect between him remembering his brother but forgetting his wife and children. He gives Yunho an odd look, and Yunho realises too late that he's been staring. "Do you have a phone on you that I could use?"

"Uh..." Yunho his lips, trying to think quickly. "Yes, I do, actually. It's... in my car, though. Are you okay waiting here while I get it?" When Luhan nods, Yunho pushes a smile onto his face, hoping to God it looks real. "I'll be back in a minute, then."

 

***

 

As soon as they have left, as soon as they are away from Luhan and Yunho and the stifling atmosphere of the cafeteria, the glass wall enclosing Yoona's mind and heart shatters, and everything pours out in a burst, like the water from a ruptured aquarium, and overwhelms her. The two of them, Jaejoong and Yoona, barely make it to the stairwell before Yoona's legs buckle, and she falls onto the railings for support.

Jaejoong, sensing the sudden movement behind him, turns around, arms outstretched and ready to catch her, but it turns out she doesn't need him. She's leaning heavily on the stair railings, but she's still standing; maybe her ability to do so is because she is used to standing on her own two feet, Jaejoong thinks. "Yoona—"

"You said he remembered."

All around them, the hospital is a buzz of chatter and activity, but in the moment, it all seems to fall away, flattening into a drone and all Jaejoong is aware of how Yoona's voice is quiet but he can hear it perfectly; even the breaths in between each word she says. He winces inwardly, and thinks it would be better if she yelled at him, because then he would know that that would be all she has let out of her system. But right now, she is calm—patient, even; waiting for an answer from him—and Jaejoong knows from experience that a face of calm hides more than one split open with emotion. And that means there is no 'right' thing to say or do, which is why he struggles to find words.

"I thought he did," he croaks finally, runs his hands through his hair, grabbing some of it in his fists. "I mean, when Luhan woke up, he remembered me."

Yoona is looking at him, but Jaejoong gets the feeling she's not really seeing him. "You," she repeats, lowering her eyes. "He remembers you, but not me."

Jaejoong opens his mouth to say something, but Yoona speaks first. "He didn't even blink when he saw me..." she murmurs, shaking her head slightly. Or maybe she's trembling. He reaches out tentatively, not quite knowing what he wants to do, but just as he does, Yoona freezes, snaps to attention. "He doesn't remember me, but maybe..." She looks up at Jaejoong, eyes wide. "Do you know if he remembers Taemin?"

"I—I didn't ask."

"Maybe you could bring Taemin here," Yoona suggests, her words pouring out like accidental confessions. "Maybe Taemin will trigger memories, or something, anything..."

"What makes you think he'll remember Taemin, if he doesn't remember—" Jaejoong bites his tongue, but he's sure they both know, anyway, what he was about to say. What makes you think he'll remember Taemin, if he doesn't remember you?

Yoona stares at him for a long time. "That's why I'm here, isn't it," she says. "Luhan was in a car accident, and you think it's likely he won't remember Taemin, so I'm here to—" she takes a breath, pressing a hand over her heart. "I'm here to take him away, look after him if Luhan can't."

"Yes," Jaejoong answers, then hesitates. "But there's something else, too. Taemin is—"

"You told Luhan I was your sister," Yoona says quietly. "Do you even have a sister?"

"No," Jaejoong admits. "But I had to give him an answer— you know, in the state he's in, the least he deserves are answers—"

"Oh yeah?" Yoona has crossed the emotional threshold now, and her voice begins to rise. "What about me, then? If Luhan deserves answers, don't I deserve the same? I spent years wishing for answers, and ever since I got here, all I've done is more waiting!"

"Guys!"

Jaejoong and Yoona both turn, bewildered for the moment from their discussion as they see Yunho running towards them. The doctor comes to a grinding halt in front of them; his hair and glasses are askew, but he doesn't seem to notice.

"Where's Luhan?" Jaejoong exclaims, spreading his palms. "Did you just leave him in the cafeteria?"

"He's with a nurse," Yunho says breathlessly, waving away his friend's concern. He glances between Yoona and Jaejoong, eyes wild. "Listen, I was talking to Luhan while you were gone, and I found out something. He remembers his brother. Sehun."

Yunho looks at Jaejoong for a response, but Jaejoong is looking at Yoona. Her face is carefully blank, but her white knuckles tell another story. Eventually, Yunho turns his gaze on Yoona, too.

"What do you want me to do?" he asks.

Yoona shakes her head blankly. "What do you mean?"

"If Luhan remembers his brother, that means Sehun will have to speak to him," Yunho says slowly, the way a mother explains manners to a child for the first time. "But Sehun has no idea where Luhan is, right? It could be... too much; as you probably know. Maybe you could break the news to Sehun first, ask him to let you handle things yourself." Yunho shrugs. "I mean, if that's what you want."

Yoona bites her lip. What do I want?

 

***

 

It takes Yoona seven attempts to dial Sehun's number before she actually gets it right, because the first few times, her fingers were shaking too hard, and all her other tries were hindered by her trying to think of what to say beforehand.

She leans against the wall of the alcove she's caved herself into, away from everyone (and anyone) else in the hospital. Her fingers tap to the rhythm of the dial tone as the phone waits, as she waits, as Luhan (unknowingly) waits for Sehun to pick up. One... two, three... four...

Finally, there's a "Hello?"

"Sehun." Yoona's voice comes out in an exhale, like all the air in her body has abandoned her. "It's me. Yoona."

A clatter from the other end explodes in Yoona's eardrums, as if Sehun had just dropped something (which is probably what happened). "Yoona! My God, where are you? Why did it take so long to call—"

"Listen," Yoona interrupts, cutting him off, "I have something to tell you, but I need you not to freak out or... or do anything stupid. Please."

"What do you mean?" Wariness leaks its way down the line. "Yoona, what's going on?"

Yoona closes—squeezes— her eyes shut. "I've found Luhan."

There's a pause that feels like a punch and tastes like a strangle. And then, "What?" Sehun's voice is low. "You—you found him? Does that mean—?"

Heat swells behind Yoona's eyes, and she shakes her head, even though Sehun can't see it. "No. No, he's not coming home. He can't come home."

"Not coming home? I—Yoona, what the hell is going on?"

"You'll find out soon enough," Yoona says, and hates herself for it; for making someone else wait when it is something she herself does not want to do. "In an hour or so, Luhan will call you. When he does, I need you to convince him that you've known all along where he's been. No matter what he tells you, don't be surprised. Act like you've stayed in contact with him; tell him everything will be okay. And don't mention me."

"Yoona." This time, Sehun's tone is gentler, shed of its anger. "What you're saying... it doesn't make sense. I don't know what you're talking about."

"I know, but just— please." A tear dribbles down Yoona's cheek, and she furiously wipes it away. "Look, I... I know I've asked so much of you all these years, but I need you, now more than ever, to trust me. It's not that I don't want to tell you everything, it's just that I think it would be better if I didn't. Luhan should be the one to give you all the answers you want."

She is met with silence; one that stretches on for so long that Yoona thinks if it were a piece of string, it would have circled the equator twice by now. And then Sehun says, "Fine. But"— at this, Yoona imagines him raising an index finger—"we're talking about this later, okay? No matter what you say, I want to hear your explanation, not just Luhan's." Yoona's just about to open to answer, when he adds, "And... before I do this, there's something I have to ask."

Yoona nods, though she knows he can't see it. "Go ahead."

"Why didn't you leave Jongin with me?"

His words are like an unexpected alarm; Yoona rocks backwards as she remembers suddenly that she still has to collect Jongin— as she remembers that she had actually forgotten Jongin.

"Yoona?"

Yoona gives a start. "I..." There are black spots in her vision, and she thinks briefly that it's fitting; it feels as though she has been blinded, unable to see anything around her properly. "I couldn't leave him."

There is so much she doesn't say, but she hopes Sehun understands.

 

***

 

As forewarned, Sehun gets a call, not long after Yoona hangs up, from Luhan. It's almost funny, really, how he'd spent years thinking of all the things he'd say to Luhan if they ever met again, but now that they are about to speak, the circumstances are so unexpected that none of his preformed sentiments are relevant. Besides, they're not even really meeting, and Yoona had said that Luhan isn't coming home, so what is there to say?

"Hello?" is what Sehun eventually decides is a good start. A question; an opening point.

"Sehun, it's me. Luhan."

"Oh," is the first word that comes out of Sehun's mouth. It's not even a word, really, and even less so, considering the fact that he'd put no heart into it. "Hi. What's up?"

What's up. It pains Sehun to think that those two words—two words completely devoid of emotional attachment and unable to convey any of the distress he'd felt over the past few years—are the first two words he has to say to his brother.

Confusion seems to echo through the line; it seems Sehun's casual tone feels out of place to both of them. "Aren't you wondering where I am?" Luhan asks.

Yes, Sehun thinks. "No," he says aloud, swallowing. "Why would I?"

"I've been gone for a while, haven't I? I'm not sure how long, but all I know is I've been gone and I'm in Japan. I... I wasn't sure if you knew, so I called just to make sure."

Japan. He's in Japan. "How come you're not sure?"

"I was in a car crash. My memory is... hazy."

"A- a car crash?" Sehun can't hide his shock. "Jesus... Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I think," Luhan adds. "I just... I thought you would  be panicking— you know, about not knowing anything."

Oh, I am. You have no idea. Sehun swallows against the lump in his throat, laughing despite himself. Trust Luhan to call him after a car accident, worrying about his brother being worried about him, when really, he ought to be worried about himself. "No, I knew you were in Japan. You, uh—you moved there a few years ago, for a fresh start, remember? Oh, well I suppose you don't," he adds hastily. The backs of his eyeballs burn with the searing pain of overdue tears. "Are you being taken care of?"

"I guess. I mean, the nurse just checked up on me and said I could rest for a few hours, and the doctor would come and see me later."

The nurse is looking after you. Sehun laughs sadly to himself. That's not what I meant.

He understands now why Yoona had asked him to do all those things. Convince him that you've known all along where he's been. No matter what he tells you, don't be surprised. Act like you've stayed in contact with him; tell him everything will be okay.

They're all the things she didn't do— all the things she can't do.

(And don't mention me)

But why?

 

 

***

 

"He's just finished talking to Sehun," Jaejoong informs Yoona, who has just come back from the toilet. The three of them— Jaejoong, Yoona, and Yunho—stand near the glass viewing panel of Luhan's room. "The nurses told him to rest."

Yoona nods, but everything else in her expression remains heavy. "Did you talk to him?"

Both men shake their head no, and all Yoona does is nod again. For a moment, there's silence between them. Before she'd arrived, Jaejoong and Yunho had been talking in hushed voices, but she hadn't caught any of what they were saying before they had stopped, noticing her approach. She's just about to ask what they'd been talking about, when Jaejoong says, "Why is it that he remembers me, but not..." He doesn't finish his sentence, but they all know what he'd been about to say.

Why is it that he remembers me, but not you two?

To her own surprise, Yoona speaks up almost immediately. She hears her own voice as if it belongs to someone else. "I think... I think you remind him of Sehun." Slowly shaking her head, she adds quietly, "Luhan could never forget his brother."

Yunho clears his throat, wisely sensing the oncoming silence. "My guess is that his mind blocks out painful memories to cope with his recent trauma and the accident," he says; a slightly more practical theory. "So, anything to do with people that caused him stress, or worry, or even pain." As he says this, he happens to catch Yoona's eye, and quickly adds, "Even if those people didn't mean to hurt him."

Yoona is so worn out that she doesn't even take his comment as an offensive blow— and even if she did, it would only drive her deeper into the ground. "I'll see the doctor later, and ask him what he thinks."

Yunho nods, looking slightly relieved as he eyes his watch. "Wow, it's getting late," he says. "I have to get back to the clinic..."

"I have to pick up Jongin, too. He's been at the nursery all day," Yoona says, though even as she says it, it's clear that she wishes she didn't have to leave; clear in the way her eyes linger on Luhan's sleeping figure through the glass, in the way her feet stay planted where they are, not even itching to move anywhere.

"You can get him in a few minutes," Jaejoong suggests. "And we can wait till tomorrow to follow Dr. Jung to the clinic to see Taemin, if you want to stay here."

"That sounds good," Dr. Jung agrees, nodding like a child agreeing to his mother's final compromise. When Yoona doesn't object, Yunho nods a final nod, pleased with himself. "Well, I'll be going now. I'll see you two later."

Jaejoong and Yoona bid him goodbye, and when the doctor is gone, silence descends once more. Eyeing her sideways, Jaejoong sees that Yoona is still looking at Luhan, with the distant look of a lost soul in her eyes.

He coughs, breaking the silence, and Yoona looks at him. For a moment, Jaejoong sees Taemin instead of Yoona; it's hard to believe that that was a reality only a few days ago. "There's something I wanted to say..." Jaejoong starts, trying to blink away the resemblance.

Yoona her head, frowning. "What?"

Jaejoong's shoulders rise high, filling his lungs with a breath that's supposed to give him confidence, but instead, his shoulders just sink back down again. He sighs. "I know all of this has been a lot to take in, to say the least, and things aren't anything like you expected them to be. Believe me, I know what it's like."

Yoona doesn't falter. "Go on."

"What I wanted to say was..." Jaejoong struggles. "Okay, this is going to sound harsh, but I thought... for your sake—and for Luhan's, as well as your children—you could walk away. You could walk away from all of this," he repeats. "Luhan could start again, and so could you. Almost as though nothing ever happened." Pause. "But it's your choice." With a pang, Jaejoong realises that he's giving her the same choice he had to make about his wife: let go and move on, or hold on to whatever you have left, even if the outcome looks bleak. "So... are you going to stay?"

 

***

 

Outside, the world is a veil of pink.

It must be spring, Yoona thinks, then backtracks. "Of course it is," she mutters to herself. "It's spring back home, too." Under other circumstances, she would roll her eyes at her lack of common sense, but right now she can't dig out her light-hearted streak from beneath the ache in her chest.

"Hmm?" The voice of the taxi driver makes Yoona jump.

She smiles faintly, shaking her head. "Nothing." She hopes the man understands.

Her gaze redirects itself outside, wandering past the scattered sakura petals on the sidewalk, and focusing on the hospital building, which is getting smaller and smaller. The tree branches, long and spindly, interlock overhead to form a tunnel of sorts, raining down sakura petals every time the wind sweeps in. Rosy drops fall onto the back window of the car, obscuring Yoona's view of the hospital. Slowly, she turns away, sighing.

 


 

A/N: OH MY GOODNESS, IT HAS BEEN FOREVER. I was supposed to update this like a month ago, but my laptop crashed and I lost half of the whole chapter, so I started it (mostly) again. Sorry!

So, this chapter is sort of a filler, and I'm sorry I made you wait 4 months for that, but it also establishes some important (emotional) ground. The past is finally catching up to us, and things are starting to make sense (I hope). (By the way, everything that is happening now is still under 'this year' (which started Chapter 9, if I remember correctly), but it's not the present day yet.)

Also, I don't remember if any of you guessed correctly, but the Before and After sections of the last chapter were referring to before and after Luhan woke up from his minor coma. Obviously, everything here is after, so I only included it once.

Anyway, thanks for being quite patient, everyone! I hope you enjoyed this chapter :) Also, it would be very much appreciated if you don't badger me to update soon, because I don't know when I'll next be able to update, since school's started again and it's veeery hectic. I'm trying my hardest :)

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Fire_trek 274 streak #1
Chapter 16: Brilliant bravo, author nim, bravo 🎉 thank you for this story and all the emotional twists and turns that you put us through as an audience. I’d like to think they had a happily ever after, it brings me a peace of mind and heals my heart. Thank you again
Fire_trek 274 streak #2
Chapter 15: More tears 😭 and sadness, Yoona’s speech at the funeral was heartbreaking. But Luhan’s story to Jongin was beautiful and inspiring and real. Maybe not a happily ever after but a very special moment for him. I’m glad he knows his son and got his memories back. Can we please have a happy ending? Pls!
Fire_trek 274 streak #3
Chapter 14: I’m crying actual literal tears right now. How dare you write something so thought provoking and emotionally damaging for all of us to read? Poor little baby TAEMIN and poor little Jongin. Luhan has a son he doesn’t even know existed, dying and Yoona is nowhere to be found. Le sigh 😔
Fire_trek 274 streak #4
Chapter 13: Is he going to remember? That’s all I want to know and apparently my petition to let Yoona see TAEMIN worked! It’s sad how people talk when they think no one is listening… I hope my heart is not breaking by the end of this (even if I feel like it will)
Fire_trek 274 streak #5
Chapter 12: Luhan pls remember! Yoona just poured he heart out to you and you don’t even know. He can’t even remember poor lil baby TAEMIN! This is really breaking me up and we only have like 3/4 chapters left.
Fire_trek 274 streak #6
Chapter 11: I’m signing the “let Yoona see TAEMIN” petition right now. I know everything is messed up rn with Luhan’s amnesia but at least let her see her kid. I wish Luhan remembered them hopefully he remembers TAEMIN at least. This was such an emotional chapter, but such a good one
Fire_trek 274 streak #7
Chapter 10: Yes! Yes! And yes! Finally Yoona gets that emergency call. (Sad it had to happen but I’m glad it did) oh, Luhan I hope you can at least walk for TAEMIN’s sake. I can’t wait until the next chapter because I know that Yoona and Luhan will be reunited… please?
Fire_trek 274 streak #8
Chapter 9: Little TAEMIN being sick is not good for my little heart. I’m glad that Luhan is an attentive parent and is always on top of everything. I feel bad for him when he called Yoona and received a different message if only he would have called earlier. Also uncle Sehun! I wish he’d tell Yoona about their whereabouts.
Fire_trek 274 streak #9
Chapter 8: Omg Yoona confessed her love for Luhan and Jongin had his first steps and said his first word! So exciting! Now onto the sadness :( TAEMIN will only live to thirty? That’s heartbreaking and Luhan can’t let him leave the hospital for 7 months, that’s ridiculous. Also I’m not ready for chapter 9
Fire_trek 274 streak #10
Chapter 7: Yes, I saw all the SNSD members and some TVXQ members as well, I love little cameos like that. And wow, Luhan, way to leave the country without letting Yoona know only to find out that CF is inherited from both parents smh I hope he contacts her or something. And here I thought at the beginning of the story that Yoona was a bad parent and up and left him. I was totally wrong. I feel bad for both of them