31. Words

Phoenix Rising
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Chapter 31: Words

Kyungsoo's studio was still and quiet, save for the swish and clack of the dishwasher and the low hum of the refrigerator. The good doctor was out - he'd let Chanyeol in with a few terse words of caution. Try not to get into an argument. His nerves are shot, and so are yours from the look of things. Kyungsoo didn't mince words.

 

 

There were hollows under Kai's eyes that Chanyeol didn't remember seeing before, a thinness that added years to his face. His arms lay neatly on top of the blankets at his sides, so unlike his usual sleeping sprawl. Chanyeol found his eyes drawn to the inner side of his forearm, looking for something, but what? Scars? Needle marks? Kai's arms were bare and Chanyeol found himself exhaling a soft sigh. The murky morning light straining in through a dark curtain cast a waxy pallor across Kai's features; Chanyeol found himself turning away from the sight. It reminded him of hospitals - and funerals.

 

 

The floorboards were warm underfoot, and Chanyeol was grateful for the heat as he pulled a chair up to the window near the foot of the bed. His hands fidgeted for want of something to occupy them. There was a small bookshelf across the room but Chanyeol's inertia kept him rooted to the chair. Kyungsoo's books were probably all medical in nature - and if they weren't, Chanyeol didn't want to know what Kai's significant other did read. He had few charitable thoughts about Kyungsoo, despite the man's efforts the night before. Chanyeol felt a flare of resistance in his gut at the thought of Kyungsoo and his smart commentary. He acknowledged his uncharitable thoughts but did little to change their course. Kyungsoo was too different, too stubborn, and worst of all, he was right. Chanyeol didn't like it one bit.

 

 

"."

 

 

The dry, cracked curse fell from Kai's lips as he shifted on the bed. Chanyeol sat up a little straighter and watched as Kai drew a deeper breath, then another, then shifted his eyes from the ceiling to meet his gaze.

 

 

"Did I get hit by a bus?" Kai mumbled vaguely and lifted a hand to wash over his face. "Feels like it."

 

 

Chanyeol snorted under his breath. "Not quite."

 

 

Kai groaned and rolled onto his side, pulling the blankets up to his ears as he curled his knees to his chest. "Worst. Trip. Ever." His eyes shuttered loosely and he drew several shaky breaths through his lungs. "Come to scold me?" he said after a few beats.

 

 

Chanyeol set his jaw. "What were you thinking?" He asked.

 

 

Kai snorted. "I was thinking..." he murmured with emphasis, but trailed off without completing his thought.

 

 

Chanyeol frowned. "Why'd you do it?"

 

 

"It felt good." Kai kept his eyes closed.

 

 

"Seriously? Having a heart attack, or thinking you were, and feeling like you were going to die...felt good?" Chanyeol couldn't hide the derision in his voice. Nerves grated raw, unrested, and worried, Kyungsoo's passing diagnosis of his own condition had not been far from the truth.

 

 

Kai didn't respond for a while, to the point that Chanyeol thought he had fallen asleep again. When he did speak, he took Chanyeol by surprise. Cracking his eyes open to slits, Kai snipped, "obviously not."

 

 

"Then what? Don't you know this happens when you mess around?"

 

 

"Yeah... but it never happened before." Kai drawled, lifted a thin shoulder under the blankets.

 

 

"That's...a lie." Chanyeol rebutted instantly. "Kyungsoo said you've gotten like this before. Or don't you remember that?" The sharpness of his voice was a whipcrack in the still air.

 

 

Kai opened his eyes and trained them on Chanyeol with a piercing, bloodshot stare. "It's none of your business, Chanyeol," he articulated slowly. "Why don't you go prance through some daisy fields with your buddy and stay out of my ."

 

Chanyeol growled exasperatedly at Kai's avoidance of the facts. "Seriously. After all that, after that last night, after this, you're still trying to tell me it's none of my business? Or are you not a part of Phoenix Rising? Or do you not crash on my couch when you have nowhere to sleep?"

 

Kai sat up quickly, far more quickly than Chanyeol had expected given his state. The boy was gaunt, skin sallow, and the glint in his eyes was unkind as he bore down on Chanyeol. "No," he hissed, "it sure doesn't feel like it anymore." Eyes narrowed, he was feral in the low morning light and Chanyeol couldn't quite tear his eyes from this wraith whom he'd once thought of as a brother, a comrade in arms.

 

His mouth worked but his words didn't, and for a moment, he simply stared into Kai's eyes and felt a pang of fear deep in his gut. "Kai," he managed, in a placating tone, and his hands had risen in a gesture of peace, "you are as much a part of Phoenix Rising as I am. But - you, your doing this, it affects us all. Don't you see that? If you're lying to us, if you're tripping at shows, if you get arrested, it affects all of us."

 

Kai had folded a knee under himself and sat on the side of the bed with his fingers curled around the edge of the mattress. His jaw was tight and his eyes were hard as he regarded Chanyeol, but his lips were pressed in a firm line and so Chanyeol continued.

 

"We care about you - Tao and I. We don't want to see you hurt or ed up by this stuff. And on the other hand - we care about PR, too. If you end up in jail for drug use, that's not going to help us get signed either. We can't keep working together if that's how it's going to be."

 

Kai snorted and tossed his head, rolling his eyes. When he spoke, he was calmer, but his words were terse. "Two-faced. That's what you are. You talk out of both sides of your mouth like a cheap salesman, hyung." The word felt dirty and disrespectful. "You're so professional and so serious that you won't use your buddy for a leg up in this industry, so we can stop begging for pennies from small shows. But you're so serious, "he drawled, "that you'd throw your own bandmate out for a little drug use because it looks bad? Who are you kidding, Chanyeol." Kai snorted. "How do you look at yourself in the mirror, huh? How do you sleep, knowing you're the same as those Kangnam tightasses?"

 

Chanyeol bristled and his voice was raw and tense. "You're straight on the path to a long jail sentence, or did you miss the part where even a DUI jeopardizes a major label artist's career for life? Or did you think the laws don't apply to you?"

 

Kai cooed facetiously. "You're such a good guy, Chanyeol," his voice dripped saccharine and his smile was unkind. "Your idol mentality would win you all the record deals, you know, if only you'd loosen up and a few people. Morals are useless in this industry, everyone's a cutthroat and that's how they get places - but that's right, you're in no rush. You don't care. You live in your bubble in your perfect world."

 

"I do care," Chanyeol muttered darkly.

 

"Really, Chanyeol. You don't. You're off in la la land with your boytoy, you have a good job, you're not wondering when you're going to get to eat next. But who cares, right? I don't complain about it! That's my life. And you're just another privileged Kangnam boy who just happens to wear leather and kohl." Kai looked tired and didn't bother sitting up any longer. He leaned over and stretched out, tugging the covers tightly around himself.

 

"You're not ing indie, Chanyeol. You're just as bad as The Man."

 

 

---

 

 

Chanyeol hailed a cab, one of many he'd taken in the past 24 hours, though he'd long since lost track of how much time had elapsed. Life felt like someone had pushed the pause button and he was stuck in a continuous loop. It began with a sharp crackle of a mic, a fallen singer, and ended with a knife lodged just beneath his sternum. His head felt heavy, as if he was feverish, and it took effort to extract himself from the backseat of the cab. 

 

The car had almost reached his flat when he redirected the cabbie and detoured to Sinsa. Pulling out his phone, which was down to its last drop of battery - which was a fitting mimicry of how he felt - he texted Baekhyun.

 

Are you busy?

 

The reply did not come until he was nearly at Baekhyun's building. 

 

Yeah, I'm at work. How was Kai? Are you okay?

 

Chanyeol's phone gave a warning beep just as the car pulled up to the curb. He paid up with the last few won in his wallet, and stumbled out of the car. He wanted to sleep, he wanted to shrug off the weight of the world that bore down on his shoulders. For a long moment he stood by the gutter, not quite on the sidewalk, not quite on the street. 

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sohbet
Just went through and fixed 7 years of formatting problems... The whole fic should be properly legible on mobile now! xo Soh

Comments

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xiahticxx
#1
Chapter 65: Coming back to AFF after 4-5 years. I finally know what real life means lol. I came back finding more than 10 fics I’m subscribed to are now complete. Though I have more time to myself now but real life doesn’t give me the luxury to read those fics. Instead, I started over PR until the last chapter and will leave again and check from time to time for PR’s update.

On the story, I’m glad that the everything has come to light. With only the suit remains, I’m hopeful for a happy ending for Baekhyun and Chanyeol, they deserve that after everything they’ve been through. Rereading this after gaining some experience myself, I can better relate to Baekhyun and Chanyeol more. The social pressure is real. I’m just happy that they have each other’s back, they trust each other now. With more than enough s life throws at them, at least their better half provides continuous comfort and support. I just wish no one will actually self sabotage themselves to save the other.

Anyway, great job on almost completing PR, see you when I see you!
Baek_lyn #2
Chapter 65: Omg yes go on that was passionate they had Woow so hot
saikia_puwali #3
Chapter 65: I hope you are doing well author! this fic has me hooked and i so want to know what happens next...but considering the time we are going through....i don't wat to bother u...just..stay safe and healthy..thank you for writing this amaze balls story,..loads of love!! XOXO
saikia_puwali #4
Chapter 65: OK....so i am back in asianfanfics after staying away for a few years...and yours is the one I first read!!!!.. OMG OMG OMG!!!!! IT is so ing beatiful and angsty and everything I like!! Hope you are staying safe and healthy....omg!!can't wait to read the rest of it...how will it end!!.. OMG!! *hearteyes* Loads of love
firstladydragon
#5
Chapter 65: Crying over this chapter (again!!) while in a dire need of cold shower at the same time..I hope you are safe and healthy all along!
parksyeol
#6
Chapter 65: “a play in three acts, and here we unveil the villain. and here, the hero shoots him dead” wowowow beautiful amazing gorgeous

“and here, we have the hero. and here the villain holds him close, knowing all he has done wrong” are you serious i’m in love… i never want to forget these words

oh no there’s more “when the villain loves the hero, he will hurt him from within. there is only one way left for him to atone for his sins. he lets the hero win”

UM HE “I JUST WANT TO FEEL YOU” GOODBYE HOW WAS THIS SCENE SO SWEET

their love :(( yeah i’m in love with this story and i’ll wait forever if i have to.

and yes!!! i'd be ready to support any future projects for this story omg
parksyeol
#7
Chapter 64: i’m gonna scream.. i'm shocked hjhjhjhfg it couldnt have been that easy though right T_T i should have known
parksyeol
#8
Chapter 63: ga in???? hello?????/ mvp
parksyeol
#9
Chapter 62: oh wow this chapter is incredibly lovely :( so heartbreaking

AND THE ENDING woah… chanyeol is too good
parksyeol
#10
Chapter 61: oh thank god kris called

omgogmgogmgogomg my babies together again (i MEAN it hasnt been long in their world but it has been in mine and just ?? when theyre not together xgfxxffd not ideal it doesnt feel right) also i lied i'm eating these new chapters up so fast