as a reminder: lu han's breed, xiumin's breed

 

bubble-free zone

 

xiumin swims into luhan’s castle to see a mound of colored aquarium rocks sitting in the corner of the cylindrical shelter. he looks around the castle, even looks at the top where luhan likes to hide out sometimes but the angry wakin is nowhere to be found.

“hey, diva! where’d you go? what’s up with the rock pile?” xiumin calls, swimming out of the castle.

“call me a diva one more time and i will punch you.”

xiumin turns to see luhan swimming out from behind one of the large boulder figures.

“you can’t punch me without fingers.”

luhan scoffs, a bubble rising from his fishy lips. “look, , if i want to punch you, i’ll punch you. and if i want to build a rocket launcher and shoot multicolored rocks at kris in the hopes that he’ll die, i’ll do that too. got it?”

xiumin lifts his fins in mock surrender. “okay okay, king kong, do what you want. excuse me for trying to visit you on this lovely day like the nice neighbor i am.”

“you’re not nice. you’re a demon!”

“and you’re an idiot. i’ll be in my cottage if you need me, mr. macho fish,” xiumin bubbles.

lu han’s heart stops but he gets over it quickly.

stupid bubbles.

 

 

“what are you doing?” lu han swims into the fake foliage next to the mermaid statue outside his castle and watches xiumin swim in circles.

“just keep swimming. just keep swimming.”

lu han scoffs. “and you call me an idiot.”

“you are an idiot,” xiumin quips still swimming around.

tao walks past the tank and stops, noticing xiumin. he coos.

“awww, you’re so cute. why can’t lu han ever be so adorable? he’s such a lazy fish.” the black-haired human looks around the living room but kris is out at work so there really is no reason for him to do that. shrugging, he reaches under the tank and grabs the bottle of blood worms, dumping a bit of the treat into the water next to the swimming xiumin.

“enjoy, you precious thing,” he says before walking off to wherever it is he was going.

xiumin stops swimming as soon as tao turns his back and takes one of the blood worms into his mouth. “as i was saying, you are an idiot. and i’m a genius who knows how to get what he wants.”

lu han stares at him, unamused.

“but…since i pity your stupidity, i will share my blood worms with you.”

“keep your stupid blood worms,” lu han snaps, turning away from the other fish.

 

five seconds later

“i thought you didn’t want any?” xiumin says, bubbling as he watches lu han eat the rest of his blood worms.

“i never said that. stop bubbling before i kill you.”

 

 

“hey tao,” kris calls for his shopaholic partner who is in the kitchen, searching for food. “how do goldfish reproduce?”

lu han swims from behind his castle and stares at the human lingering outside their fish tank.

“xiumin…” he begins as soon as he registers the spotted fish beside him. “why did he ask that question after looking at our tank? why does he want to know how we make babies? i don’t know how i feel about this. what if he brings a female fish home? that will try to steal my castle just like you did when you first got here. i’m tired of defending my territory —”

“lu han, you’re rambling again.”

“and i still don’t like you and your stupid attitude and your stupid bubbles. like when will the torture stop? and —”

the wakin suddenly shuts up (hallelujah, xiumin thinks) and looks at the shubunkin who is looking at him with his fin raised. 

“did you just hit me?” lu han questions slowly, anger slowly welling up in his tiny body.

xiumin bubbles before darting off. “tag, you’re it!”

not believing the excuse xiumin made, lu han gets ready to chase after him to bash his head in (or pretend to since he really isn’t capable of doing that) but he’s drawn back to the human’s conversation.

“do you think lu han and xiumin can reproduce?”

lu han wonders if it’s possible for him to throw up because ewwwww, trying to mate with xiumin would be a nightmare.

tao sighs, walking out of the kitchen with a sweet potato in hand. “they’re both male fish,” he says, collapsing on the couch and turning on the television.

kris bends down to look into the tank. lu han raises his fin. if he had fingers he would have flipped him the bird. the human, of course, doesn’t know this.

“how do you know?” kris asks.

“because i’m smart and you’re dumb,” tao replies, chewing on a mouthful of potato.

“i’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that. but, i guess you might be right. lu han looks like the kind of fish who is erted and would constantly harass a female.” kris nods his head.

lu han flinches, slightly insulted. “what? what the hell is that supposed to mean?!”

“isn’t that right, little guy?” the blond human grins, blunt fingernail hitting the glass.

he should be used to it by now, but lu han still swims away in shock. behind the small cottage house, he groans when he sees xiumin looking at him curiously.

“you okay there?”

lu han sighs when xiumin touches him with his fin. “i swear i am about five taps away from evolving into a squirtle and using hydro pump on him.”

xiumin frowns. “what is a squirtle?”

if lu han could he would shrug. “i don’t know. it was on some cartoon show i saw when they left the television on while they were at work. it was sort of cute. sort of cool. like me.”

“last time i checked, i was the cute one. and whoever told you that you’re cool lied to you.”

before lu han can rip xiumin’s head off, tao speaks up.

“i doubt that our goldfish are gay. either way, they still wouldn’t be able to reproduce together even if they were gay. plus does not equal baby fish. it equals a lot of .”

“do you hear yourself when you talk?” kris asks, moving to join his boyfriend on the couch.

the two fish look around xiumin’s cottage. it looks like the humans are getting into an argument over something. oh well. it’s none of their business.

“hey, lu han…” xiumin looks at the forever angry fish. “what does gay mean?”

“the hell if i know. i think it’s a letter of the alphabet or something. like the one before the letter ‘L’.” lu han takes his eyes off the humans and looks at the xiumin. “and stop bubbling, you cute piece of .”

 

 

“lu han called me cuuuuute. he can’t resist the power of the buuuuuble.”

lu han huffs, glaring at xiumin swimming around their tank and singing loudly.

“will you shut up?”

“i don’t think he’s ready for this jelly~~ CAUSE MY BODY’S TOO BOOTYLICIOUS FOR HIM YEAH~”

“god, my ears are bleeding. so i called you cute. it doesn’t mean anything. i also called you a piece of . shut. up.”

and then xiumin suddenly calms down. sort of. “don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me,” he says, raising his pelvic fin and disappearing into his cottage.

swimming into his castle lu han starts working on his rock launcher again. one day he’ll attack xiumin’s cottage and the shubunkin will never know what hit him.

 

 

“how do you two feel about a new fish?” kris asks one day.

lu han immediately shows the human his pelvic fin. “not this nonsense again.” he swims back to his castle.

xiumin stares up at kris’ big smiling face. he notices the human raise his hand but before he can tap the glass, xiumin darts off.

kris blinks.

“why don’t they like me?”

tao changes the channel to the nightly news. “because you’re ugly.”

straightening his back, kris looks over his shoulder at the other man. “sometimes i wonder why i love you.”

“because my beauty makes up for your ugliness.”

 

 

“you know, kris, i think we should move xiumin into a separate tank.”

kris, filing through papers from his job, looks up at his partner, eyebrows raised.

“why?”

“he deserves it. i mean, look at him. he’s charming, cute, and doesn’t horde the rocks like that idiot lu han does. i think he needs space to grow to his full potential.”

“what potential? he’s a goldfish.”

“do you want him to turn out like lu han? a goldfish who doesn’t do anything but sit in his castle and waste away?”

at some point lu han liked tao. now he thinks he’s just as stupid as kris. but that isn’t the problem. the problem is —

he swims over to xiumin who is making fishy face at tao and glowing from all of the compliments thrown at him. head digging into the other fish’s side, he pushes the shubunkin to his castle.

“my xiumin,” he yells at the panda looking human. “you can’t have him.”

he has to squeeze xiumin’s big fish (”you should really cut back on the brine shrimp, xiumin, it’s all going to your tailfin.”) past his tower of colored rocks but eventually they make it in. once in the safety of his polyresin castle, lu han wiggles his tiny fins at the speckled fish.

“you look like a t-rex. big body, tiny fins,” xiumin says and lu han freezes. “is this your aegyo? because you’re not cute.”

“look y mc, if you insult me one more time —”

bubble.

“whoa whoa whoa.WHOA. there will be none of that in here mister. this is a bubble-free zone.”

lu han’s personal space is invaded when xiumin swims up close to him and makes a bubble in front of his face. the horrifying thing floats the distance between them and pops against his mouth. something in lu han almost explodes.

he hates bubbles.

 

 

xiumin floats outside lu han’s castle, watching kris take out the fish food.

“hey, diva! it’s dinner time,” he calls and swims toward the center of the tank where kris is dumping out the fish flakes.

he doesn’t wait for the other fish to join him to start eating. it’s a fish eat fish world. xiumin has to do what he needs to survive. (except they’re the only two fish in a 35 gallon tank and there is no real survival struggle).

he starts to choke on a flake when lu han rams into his side.

“what did i tell you about calling me a diva?” the wakin yells. “come here so i can punch you.”

shaking himself off, xiumin bubbles as if he’s laughing. “you’re flailing your little t-rex fins again.”

that’s it. lu han is going to kill him. and then bury the body underneath the cottage before it can float up to the rim of the water.

or…that’s his plan until xiumin (escapes) nudges him and swims off, bubbling as if everything in the world is made of rainbows and sparkles.

 

 

“what are you doing?” xiumin asks when lu han sidles up beside him without a word.

“shoaling,” lu han says plainly.

xiumin bubbles twice. “and why are you shoaling?”

“because it’s in my nature and i have nothing better to do with my time. but if you make one more bubble while i’m next to you, i will eat your face off.”

like the obedient fish he isn’t, xiumin makes one single bubble.

lu han doesn’t do anything for thirty seconds and xiumin thinks the wakin has finally accepted his undeniable cuteness.

“i've lost all ability to can right now.”

xiumin watches him swim away to his castle.

he’s so stupid and precious, xiumin thinks.

waiting another two seconds until he thinks it’s safe, he follows after lu han to the castle.

just as he swims through the entryway, he’s hit with a rock.

“get outttttt,” lu han whines…from somewhere. xiumin’s too busy staring at the rock that just hit him in the side of the face to look for him.

he lets a bubble escape from his fishy lips.

“nooooooooooo. bubble. free. zone. i should make a sign,” lu han whispers that last part.

eventually breaking eye contact with the rock, the shubunkin swims over to the other fish hiding behind a pile of rocks.

lu han immediately backs away. “what are you doing?”

“invading your space to bother you…and ignoring that you hit me with a rock for your own safety.”

“you have no proof of that. the rock could have fallen from the sky. yeah, that’s right. maybe the sky is falling.”

“or maybe you came behind this pile of rocks and knocked over one to hit me with.”

lu han stares at him blankly before trying to dart off screaming, “YOU’LL NEVER CAPTURE ME ALIVE.”

xiumin easily blocks his escape.

“YOU CAN TORTURE ME ALL YOU WANT BUT I’LL NEVER TELL.”

“…”

a small bubble floats from lu han as a sigh. “i know, i know, i watch too much television.”

 

 

“good morning, xiumin,” tao greets as he walks past the fish tank one morning.

xiumin swims over to the wall of the tank and wiggles his fin at tao, waving.

“what the ? why don’t you ever say good morning to me?”

tao just continues to smile at xiumin. but before he turns to leave he glares at lu han.

“the. . was. that?”

“you’re just jealous because everyone likes me.”

swimming back to his castle, lu han frowns. “i hope you drown.”

“except i’m a fish so…” xiumin trails off and catches up to lu han. “anyway, come swim with me around the tank.”

“no.”

“please?”

“no.”

“please? i promise no bubbles.”

at that, lu han pauses. “you promise?”

xiumin just starts swimming around the tank, lu han follows.

because despite how annoying and stupid and y and rude and -ish and and and and stupid xiumin is, lu han really doesn't mind his company.

he just hates the bubbling.

because it's cute and he's not too sure how he feels about that.

because bubbles are pure evil.

 

 

tao brings home another tank one day.

lu han takes one look at it before paddling off to find xiumin behind his cottage. he starts to push the other fish in the direction of his castle again.

“i already told you that you can’t have him.”

lu han wishes he could buy his humans a device so they can communicate because this whole lu han talks, human no understand superior language bull is not working out.

“you know, if i belong to you, you should be nicer to me. and respect the bubbles," xiumin comments, breaking away from lu han to swim independently.

“just because you belong to me, doesn’t mean i like you.”

"aw, why do you ignore my pitiful, undying love for you," xiumin jokes and releases another bubble that pops when it hits the side of lu han's face.

lu han watches xiumin swim off back to his cottage, frozen. (or as frozen as a fish can be).

"TAOOOOOO, GET THIS MONSTER OUT OF MY TANK."

stupid bubbles.

stupid xiumin.

 

---

i'm not going to comment on this fic itself because it's horrible and just, ugh, LEAVE ME TO DIE

i probably won't mark this is as complete because chances are i'll write about these stupid goldfish again or someone will ask me to write different exo members as animals and if i do, i'll just add it to this.

but remember, lovelies, if your fish is making bubbles, it may or may not be dying