[Jongyu] Crossing the Fine Line
Jonghyun admired the pretty weather, feeling better for the first time in months. He loved fall. So much color surrounding him was exactly what he'd needed, and the park was the perfect place for it. He'd brought along his sketchbook in the hope that he would become inspired by something, but he was sorely disappointed.
He saw a yellow leaf floating downwards, all by itself, and abruptly he didn't feel better at all. The leaf was too much like himself. All alone, heading for the bottom. Even though he'd already reached rock bottom. It was a memory he didn't like having. He absentmindedly started sketching, trying hard not to unleash the feelings that wanted to break free. His therapist had told him to try to forget, and that was exactly what he was doing.
He wasn't really aware of what he was drawing until he looked down and saw a face, one he knew entirely too well. He thrust the sketch book back in his backpack disgustedly, not feeling even a tiny bit of inspiration anymore.
All he saw were flashes of that day, all he could hear were his own agonized screams. There'd been this surprised look on his face... He got up suddenly, startling several people sitting on the bench next to him. He started walking home, in a rush. The therapist had given him that prescription of Ativan for a reason.
He unlocked his front door and headed straight for the bathroom, where he kept the small orange bottle of pills. He grabbed one and swallowed it dry without thinking twice. Just taking it calmed him down a little, but the racing heart and panic were still there. He slumped with relief and headed back towards his living room. He was halfway to the sofa when he realized there was someone sitting at his kitchen table. He froze.
Slowly, he turned and stared at the person sitting at his kitchen table. It didn't even matter that he didn't know how the person got in. What mattered was..
"You're supposed to be dead. I saw you die," he said in a shaky voice. "Wait a minute. This has happened before, Jonghyun. He's not real. It's just a figment of your imagination. It's okay, the therapist said this was normal," Jonghyun tried to calm himself down. The agonized expression was new, though. Usually, the hallucination was the smiley, dopey version of Jinki that he'd known and loved.
"No, Jjong. I'm actually here. I'm not a figment of your imagination. I'm real, I can touch you," Jinki got up and touched Jonghyun's cheek. "See? I'm here now. I'm real. Everything will be okay. We can be together again." Hearing those words come out of Jinki's mouth, Jonghyun felt his anger surface. He had loved Jinki, sure. Had being the key word. That was the past now.
After 3 years, he'd learned to move on, and the love he felt for Jink had dissipated. It slowly turned into hatred, the kind that never went away. Even after going through the 5 stages of grief (he hadn't dared to tell his therapist about it, because he knew it was unhealthy) it lingered in the back of his mind. He hated that Jinki had so easily decided he wasn't worth effort anymore. He'd decided Jonghyun was essentially worthless. Jinki had said it right to his face, after all. And when he watched Jinki jump off that bridge with the coldest look he'd ever seen on Jinki's face... A part of Jonghyun had died that day.
So okay no, he wasn't doing absolutely fabulous. But he was managing. He was even somewhat happy. And for Jinki to come back and just expect him to be alright with everything, no questions asked? No. There was no fucking way in hell.
"Get the fuck out of my apartment before I call the police. I don't need you anymore," Jonghyun had to fight the urge to punch Jinki. "I fucking hate you. And honestly, I think it would've been better if you had just gone on letting me think you were dead." Jinki looked crushed, and Jonghyun wavered momentarily.
"I... I'm sorry, Jonghyun. C-could you at least let me explain?" Jonghyun scoffed.
"What could there possibly be to explain?" Jinki looked guilt-stricken, and Jonghyun's heart ached at the sight. But he stubbornly stood his ground and glared.
"I was being abused by my dad, Jonghyun. All I knew was pain and lies and self-hatred, except where you were concerned. I loved you, but even you weren't enough to make life wasn't worth living anymore. I'm sorry. I jumped, and when I hit the water I broke every bone in my body. I was so unrecognizable by the time someone found me that they had to check my dental records to identify me."
"I begged them not to tell my father I was okay, and after I was released.. I left the country. I couldn't take even being in the same country as him anymore. But he died of alcohol poisoning last year, and I felt so free after hearing it, Jonghyun. You can't imagine," Jinki looked at Jonghyun's face and saw how unmoved he was. He sighed in defeat. He opened his mouth to say something, but the front door opened, and Jonghyun's face lit up.
"Minho!" he smiled widely, the same smile Jinki used to see directed at him. It was obvious Jonghyun loved this Minho guy. Minho came in the kitchen and raised an eyebrow when he saw Jinki sitting at the table next to Jonghyun. Silently, he was asking Jonghyun who it was. "Oh, Minho. You've seen pictures of Jinki. You know who he is." Minho nodded slowly, but he looked confused.
"What is he doing here? I thought he was dead...?" very obviously, Minho put an arm around Jonghyun's shoulders.
"He just stopped by to tell me the real story. He was just leaving," the edge in Jonghyun's voice didn't go unnoticed by Jinki or Minho, who had a steely look on his face. Jinki stood up and smiled sadly.
"I'm sorry, Jonghyun. I could spend the rest of my life trying to make up for my mistake, and I still wouldn't come close, would I? No, probably not. You always were good at holding a grudge. I wish I still had a place in your life even though I don't deserve it. I love you. Goodbye," he walked over to the front door and walked through it without looking back. Jonghyun slumped with relief and Minho sat across from him, eyeing him critically.
"Are you okay?" Jonghyun was looking at Minho like he was stupid.
"Do you even have to ask?" he replied tonelessly. Minho sighed. Jonghyun always tried to be so strong in front of him.
"Not really. Jonghyun... It's okay to cry you know," he said carefully, and that was the last straw. Jonghyun's tears streamed down his face. Minho wasn't sure if they were tears of anger or pain, or both. Probably both.
"How dare he come here and think that he has the right to just assume I'd be fine?" Jonghyun went on rambling, and Minho moved over so he could hold Jonghyun.
"I know," he said simply, and Jonghyun shut his mouth. Words had never been all that necessary between them. Jonghyun cried himself out and fell asleep in Minho's embrace. Not caring whether Jonghyun was awake or not, he leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to Jonghyun's temple. "I love you," he murmured.
I don't feel like this is as angsty as I thought it was going to be. :/ I still don't know if that's a bad thing or not.
This also was inspired by Sherlock (if you're familiar with the show, you know this would be post-Reichenbach). The only reason I didn't write this as John/Sherlock, though, is because I have a feeling I would be terribly out of character writing about them.
I'm no good at writing for other fandoms. OTL
So.. yeah. Hope you enjoyed. c:
Til next time, loves. ^o~ ☺ ♥ ♫
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