Regret And A Prayer For Forgiveness
Looking back now, Kangin knew the way he had reacted to the news was beyond wrong. He was just so shocked, he had no idea how to react. Under the confusion, his mind sent him straight into a fit of blind anger. The instant he left that waiting room, he knew he was going to be in huge trouble. But in all honesty, it was best for him to leave and cool down rather than stay with the others and cause more issues. So, he went for a walk and somehow found himself at his parents house.
Clearly, his mother had been shocked by his emotional state and ushered him inside. She set up a place for him to sleep and the second he lay down, Kangin fell into a deep and troubled sleep. The next morning he awoke even more emotionally upset than before. Now not only was he confused, he also felt like a total jerk.
Kangin rested his back against the wall and stared at the ceiling above him. How the Hell was he going to apologize for this? Of all the the stupid mistakes he had ever made, this one was definetly the worst. Abandoning the person he loved in such a time of need...what a fool he was. A fool that was hardly deserving of forgiveness. Kangin was so deep in his thoughts that he didn't even notice his mother enter the room.
"Youngwoon...won't you tell Umma what's bothering you?" She asked gently.
After a long pause, Kangin finally spoke: "How would you feel about becoming a grandmother?"
"I would be absolutely thrilled. Why do you ask?" His mother inquired. Kangin said nothing in reply. And then, it hit her. "...Is Jungsu pregnant?"
"Yes..." Kangin nodded.
"You don't seem to excited about it though dear." She said with a small frown.
"I don't know how to feel right now. Part of me is really excited, but the other part of me feels like I'm not ready to be a dad." Kangin replied.
"That's normal though. You're father was the same way when we found out that we were having you, but he knew he had a responsiblity to take care of his family. That same responsibility is now on you as well." His mother said.
"I know but...Will I be any good as a dad? What if I'm bad at it?" Kangin asked, partially to himself and partially to his mother.
"You will be a wonderful father Youngwoon. That much I know for sure. I understand that it's a big shock, but Jungsu needs you right now. You should go talk to him so you two can get this all straightened out." She said.
"You're right...thanks Umma. For the advice and for letting me stay here last night." Kangin said, hugging his mom. She really was always there for him, no matter what.
Kangin's mother hugged him back and gave him a reassuring smile as they pulled away. He had to go back to the dorm and beg for Leeteuk's forgiveness. Although he was nervous about all this he needed to accept his responsibility; as a lover, and as a soon to be father. He was going to do absolutely everything within his power to protect the people who matter to him. But in order to do that, he needed to apologize.
With new found determination, Kangin threw on his coat and stepped outside. It was a wonderful day outside. The Sun was shinning, there was a gentle breeze...he could only hope that this was a sign that today would end on a happy note.
The whole walk back, his mind ran through about a hundred different scenarios of what could possibly happen. The way he saw it, there were three possible outcomes. One, Leeteuk would refuse to talk to him and thus nothing would be resolved. Two, Leeteuk would get mad at him and not forgive him. Three, by some miracle, he would be forgiven. All Kangin could do at this point was hope for the best.
Finally, he arrived back at the dorm. For a good few minutes, Kangin just stared blankly at the door. Surely everyone else in the dorm was pissed at him. He knew for a fact that the instant he stepped in that door, at least some one was going to verbally attack him. But he had to face the consequences of his actions, he could not be a coward. So, he opened the door and stepped inside. After only about two seconds, Heechul was in his face.
"You better be here to apologize or else I am going to kick your ass right back out of that door." Heechul said. His words short and harsh, as if holding no compassion for Kangin's current situation.
"Chullie...calm down..." Han Geng said, walking up behind Heechul.
"Calm down? You want me to calm down? No way! This guy completely ditched Leeteuk, my friend, when he needed him most! I think I have the right to be a little bit pissed off!" Heechul said angirly.
"I know what I did was wrong and that is why I am here. I need to apologize for my reaction so that I can make things right again." Kangin explained.
"Well then why the Hell are you still standing here? Get going!" Heechul said. Kangin didn't even bother to respond as he kicked off his shoes and started up the stairs and down the hall to the room he and Leeteuk shared.
Kangin stood in front of the door and took in a deep breath. It was now or never. He reached out to the door knob and opened it slowly. As he did so, light flooded into the dark bedroom. His gaze fell upon the single bed in the room where a familiar form lay curled up under the blankets.Cautiously, Kangin approached the bed and sat on the edge of it. The sight of his sleeping lovers tear-stained face was absolutely heart wrenching. Normally Leeteuk's sleeping face was calm and peaceful but now it was riddled with pain and sadness. Tears stung at the corners of Kangin's eyes, threating to start falling at any moment. Suddenly, Leeteuk's eyes fluttered open and he simply stared at the younger man in confusion.
"Kangin...?" Leeteuk asked as if confirming that was not just a dream but reality.
"Teukie..." Kangin said at a loss for words.
"I...I didn't think you were going to come back." Leeteuk said.
"I'm so sorry Leeteuk...I shouldn't have left like that. I was a coward at the worst possible time and I feel horrible about it. I'm not upset with you at all, I have no reason to be. I promise I will never leave you like that again." Kangin said. He stared into Leeteuk's eyes, probing them for his emotions, trying to discover if his apology had been well received or not.
Leeteuk sat up in bed and simply looked at Kangin for a few minutes, processing the information he had just recieved. After all the pain this had caused him...was it really possible to forgive? Then again, they had been through a lot together. And one fight, even such a big one, was no reason to give it all up. Leeteuk leaned into Kangin and hugged him, nuzzling his head into the others neck.
"What you did really hurt me, and it will take some time for me to completely get over that...but I forgive you because I love you and I know you won't do something like that again." Leeteuk said softly.
"I love you too Teukie...so very much." Kangin said, wrapping his strong arms around the other.
For a long while, they just sat like that. Embracing eachother, basking in the feeling of togetherness. Leeteuk was still quite upset with Kangin, but he was beyond glad that he came back. Gently, Kangin pushed Leeteuk onto the bed in a laying position and layed down with him. A small smile appeared on the older man's lips as Kangin gently carressed his soft hair.
"Kangin...have you thought about the baby at all...? I mean...do you want to keep it?" Leeteuk asked hesitantly, looking into his lover's eyes, searching for some kind of reaction.
"I'll admit, this was a huge shock to me and I'm not sure if I am entirely ready to be a father but...I guess I still have another six months to get used to the idea." Kangin said, earning a confussed look from Leeteuk. "What I mean is...yes, I think we should keep it."
"Really?! You mean it?!" Leeteuk asked, unable to keep himself from smiling brightly.
Kangin simply nodded and pulled his boyfriend close to him, resting a hand on the slight swell of the others stomach. He could hardly believe he had gone just over 3 months without knowing he was going to be a father. There had been so many signs that he had completely overlooked. Leeteuk had refused to consume any alcohol recently, which was strange because usually he would just have one drink even if he wasn't exactly in the mood. He had been sleeping a lot, ate strange combinations of food and not to mention the insane mood swings. For some one who was usually so even tempered, Leeteuk had been very on edge lately. And now, Kangin finally knew why.
With a soft sigh, Kangin looked over at Leeteuk to say something only to discover he had fallen asleep. No doubt he had been exhausted from all of the crying and stress that had been put on him lately. Kangin gently kissed Leeteuk's forehead and adjusted the blankets over them. Finally feeling content with his relationship, he could sleep well for the first time in a long time. Soon, he drifted off into a well deserved sleep with his lover close to his side, just as it was meant to be.
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