The only sound present in the area, that of crickets active in the night, is disturbed by the ringtone of a voice Hyukjae wants to hear least at the moment. For probably the tenth time in a span of twenty minutes, he ends the call even before it reaches three seconds of being annoying. He also puts the cellphone into Silent mode, making sure to deactivate the vibration. He sighs and takes another swig of Coke, swallowing large gulps of the black liquid that will probably turn his insides into mush if taken in large amounts but it’s not like can bring himself to care. He can barely feel his heart beating so why does the rest of him have to be intact? acidic beverages, ringtones, girls.

That last one, it doesn’t mean that he wants to girls. He means  girls, especially those who steal his.

Well okay, he can’t say that Donghae is his girl. Donghae is more than that because he is Hyukjae’s ing wife.

Hyukjae doesn’t regret cursing so much mentally (and verbally, but that had been before he had reached the playground) because there are no kids around in the area. Also, he has a hood and a cap on so if anyone hears him swearing like there’s no tomorrow just as he wants it, he doesn’t have to worry about seeing his name in the tabloids or anything.

Back to his previous train of thought:  girls who steal his wife. Come to think of it, screw everyone who have been and are linked to his wife. What will it take for people to realize that what he has for Donghae is as real as it gets, that none of it is play, that a nametag bearing the title “Possessive ” has been hanging on Hyukjae’s back right from the start?

Scratch that last one. Let Donghae take that image along with the “Lovesick to Death” title. As upset as he is that the fans have gotten their descriptions all wrong, he’d rather keep it that way. He can’t be too obvious. Why else has he been saying for the past years that he and Donghae are just colleagues? Why else has he never clung to Donghae so much even though the other has always seemed to be magnetized to him when they’re together?

Subtlety—Hyukjae partially understands it.

Still, he can’t help but throw a fit whenever the names “Donghae” and “Some Celebrity Girl’s Name” are put in one sentence. Hyukjae doesn’t worry too much about Siwon or Yesung when they’re flirting with his wife but for a woman to get in Hyukjae’s way…it’s too much for him to take.

It’s a known fact that Donghae wants kids, that he’s excited to the core about being a father, that he already knows at what age he wants to get married, and lo and behold it’s Hyukjae’s life’s turn to be ed because he had not been born with a and a working uterus. In addition, he would never, ever, ever undergo change because for one, he doesn’t want to be a girl and two, he’s "gay" for Donghae and Donghae alone.

aren’t his cup of tea but if Donghae’s attached to it he’ll drink it all in one gulp.

Hyukjae stares at the red label on the plastic bottle. Donghae’s muffled voice over the phone and a maniacal laugh care of an older member incessantly ring in his ears almost like the buzzing of a fly. He wonders where he can get a fly swatter to kill imaginary audio pests. He needs it pretty badly, especially since the emotions he had walked out of the apartment with are starting to heat up and boil inside him again.

The woman is beautiful. The woman is popular and well-loved. The woman is talented and kind. 

In other words, the woman is perfect. So is Donghae.

If Coke bottles could talk, Eunhyuk’s would be screaming for being thrown on the ground and being stepped on.

“!” Hyukjae gets up from the swing and paces in front of it with the back of his hand covering his mouth. He wants to scream and cry and tell the whole homophobic world how he feels about things but he knows well that he can’t. He hasn’t even told Donghae the truth. Donghae always has to be told the truth because he’s bad at reading people. For sure, he doesn’t know that Hyukjae not accepting his calls means that Hyukjae is upset about what he’s secretly upset about. Work, sleep, or might cross Donghae’s mind but not a woman, not a particular phone call to a particular radio show hosted by a particular hyung with a particular woman as the guest. No, Donghae will never figure it out, not tonight and certainly not on his own.

Hyukjae goes over to the sandbox and sits on its edge, burying his face in his hands. If only he can stop loving Donghae. If only he can go back to being attracted to one of his ex-girlfriends. If only he had never been accepted at SM Entertainment. If none of those had happened, he wouldn’t be as miserable as he is. He’d be with some non-celebrity girl, not as pretty as the ones he knows now but in his eyes she’d still be a goddess. He’d be in an office somewhere working hard to be able to get his girlfriend a ring with the biggest sparkling rock she’s ever seen. Being like everyone else, he’d be able to go anywhere without being mobbed. His life would be great.

Who’s he kidding? The moment Donghae had smiled at him on their very first meeting, life with him there had been the only existing option.

Tears of frustration escape Hyukjae’s eyes but are quickly wiped away. The screen of the cellphone he had placed beside him lights up.

Eleventh call from “Donghae-ya ♥”.

Hyukjae breathes in deeply to rid his voice of any unnatural or strange qualities before taking the call.

“ARE YOU STILL ALIVE, HYUKKIE? OH GOD IF YOU’VE BEEN KILLED I SWEAR I’M GOING TO DOUBLE KILL YOU!”

“Calm down, Hae. I’m obviously alive,”

“HOW CAN I BE SURE THAT YOU’RE REALLY HYUKJAE?”

Hyukjae sighs. Donghae can be such a kid. “Ask me a question that only the Hyukjae you know can answer perfectly,”

“Um… Okay, I have one!” replies Donghae. “Where do I keep that photo of you in the shower, the one that you tried to get revenge for but failed?” He snickers.

“That’s easy,” says Hyukjae with a smirk. “Nowhere. Heechul-hyung deleted it when he was looking through your phone and saw it,”

“HYUKJAE-YA! WHY DIDN’T YOU ACCEPT MY CALLS?”

Hyukjae moves the phone away from his ears. “Donghae-ya, I love your singing voice but your idiot voice isn’t exactly wonderful to hear, especially not this late in the evening,”

“It’s your fault! I’ve told you so many times that I worry whenever you don’t answer your phone or you don’t text me back right away,” Hyukjae finds it weird that he can even hear Donghae’s pout while he’s speaking.

“I have the right to not answer calls, Lee Donghae,”

“Even those from me?”

“To tell you the truth, I was referring to calls from you,”

Donghae falls silent. Hyukjae waits. There’s too much on his mind that he wants to say but doesn’t want to voice out.

“You’re not telling me something. Again,”

Donghae always has to be told the truth because he’s bad at reading people.

“So you’ve always known that I haven’t been telling you things?”

“Of course I do, but even when I tell you to spill the beans you don’t do it. I got tired of having my heart broken from disappointment so I stopped trying to make you tell me anything,”

“I’m not falling for that trick, Donghae. I’m not hiding anything from you,”

“I’m sorry, okay?”

“Wha—?”

“Shut up,” says Donghae in a serious voice. “I’m sorry, Hyukjae-ya, because I did something bad to you but I didn’t know it. I’m sorry for drinking your strawberry milk all the time even though it’s not my favorite. I’m sorry for hogging the blanket whenever I sleep beside you. I’m sorry for calling you all the time just to ask what you’re up to. I’m sorry for forgetting to buy you that cap even when you’ve reminded me a billion times to get it for you. I’m sorry for accidentally downloading that virus into your laptop. I’m sorry for missing you all the time. I’m sorry for—,”

“Hae,”

“………”

“I’m sorry, too,”

“Hyung…”

“I’m sorry for being like this,” Hyukjae presses his palm against his closed eyes. “I’m being unreasonable, I know, but you…You’re too much for me sometimes. And,” He adds when he hears Donghae breathe in to speak. “Don’t ask me why because I’m not going to tell you anything. This…is not the right time for that,”

“But you’ll tell me someday?”

“Of course, Hae,”

“I won’t forget you ever said that,” says Donghae. “Come home now, please? I want to hug you,”

“If that’s your plan then I’ll go home to my parents,”

“I’ll call mom and tell her not to let you in because you argued with me,”

“…I’ll never get used to you calling my mom ‘mom’,”

“She allowed me to,”

Hyukjae scoffs. “I know that. I’ll go home to the apartment but I’m going to hide from you,”

“I’m on your bed right now,”

“Get the hell out, Hae,”

“Not until I see you changing into your pajamas in front of me,”

“Whatever, ert,” Hyukjae gets up from the sandbox. “I’m walking back now, alright?”

“Okay! See you! My arms are waiting,”

Hyukjae shakes his head and ends the call in one press. He slips the cellphone into his pocket and lowers his cap to hide more of his face as he’s exiting the playground. He doesn’t have courage, is practically malnourished from the sheer lack of it, but he doesn’t feel as depressed as before. Looking at the towering apartment where Donghae says he’ll pull Hyukjae into an embrace as soon he arrives, Hyukjae cannot and does not overlook the fact that someday, all of them will have to move out and lead different lives. The sharing of food, beds, shower stalls, and even underwear will be over. Questions such as, “Do we still have that bag of marshmallows?” and “Where do I take your laptop to be repaired? Yes, I broke it,” will stop being asked. The closeness, camaraderie, love, and devotion will still be there, but everything else will inevitably fall apart.

Hyukjae doesn’t want that day to come. He isn’t ready to face what is to come, especially the dream future that Donghae paints pictures of in his compositions, when it unfolds. He won’t even start thinking about white dresses and tuxedos. Whoever said a man is destined to have that kind of reality? Donghae is still an unfinished book, a masterpiece-in-the-works that can still be modified. Hyukjae just has to write the correct words, to think of the perfect ending to scribble in a neat script onto Donghae’s surface. Alas, he doesn’t know where to start, but that doesn’t matter because he has years and years to make Donghae his.

Besides, how hard can it be to woo someone who waits for you on your bed way past midnight just to hug you?