A/N: This chapter is a special chapter about Jongin's point of view in the story. You guys need not to read this, but if you are curious about the things in his perspective, then here you go:

(Kim Jongin.)

I always say that I don’t know what love is, but the truth is, I know, I just forgot how it feels like. The only thing I remember is how I concealed the heartbreaks to myself over a multiple times before, and it all came from one girl.

She didn’t know she was breaking my heart; I never made it obvious. She is a friend of mine since I was young, and so is she with my older brother. She would always hold my hand when we walk together, and so would she with hyung's on her other hand. She loves to take care of me and scold me for being a hyperactive kid, but she does them all the same for hyung too. Even as we grew a little older, she treated the two of us equally, only that, her feelings weren’t that equal enough in deep honesty.

She was in love with someone between the two of us, but it wasn’t with me.

My heart was always breaking whenever I watched them from afar, but I always endured it inside my chest because her smiles were enough for me to know that she was happy, despite it being the reason that I was hurting even more. I knew hyung loves her too, and since she loves him back, there wasn’t any space for me to take a chance to. My heart was beating to break, and I patched the cracks with ice. I did it every time, and so maybe it became too much that when I tapped it one day, it was already thickly frozen.

I didn’t know how it is to love, after that.

But it doesn’t mean I never engaged myself with women. In fact, I indulged about them more than I expected I would. First was excitement, second was experiment, and the third was lust. I was bounded with lust since then. The only thing about women was that they tend to be carried by their emotions and they clung to you and suffocate you into the crap called loving-them-back, and that was highly out of my provisions anymore, because my heart will never be included to the things I set to offer. I just lost the ability to feel, and so I never stuck around.

This must be the reason why I lasted long with Park Jaera. Among all the girls I dated, she knew the game I was playing. We had a silent agreement that needed no discussions before entering ourselves in. She deserved me, and I deserved her, which is why we both had the connection of wanting the exact same thing. She was the kind of woman no single man can resist; beautiful, hot, and bold. How could I not eat the prey?

We were officially a couple; setting ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend, performing our commitments, calling each other endearments—but not officially in love. I was attracted to her in all physical ways, and obviously she was with me too. Devouring her body was my fuel to keep on with our relationship, and perhaps she grew to like our heavenly secret as time went by.

She gave me my sinful needs.

I provided all her luxurious desires.

Things were smooth.

But there was that one certain day that started the changes in her. She became easily susceptible and benignant. It wasn’t like Jaera isn’t kind to me, but she was never the type to do heartfelt things for other people, not even for me. When she first refused to sleep with me, I admit it made me a little upset, considering along the other suspicious things I recalled her doing, but she compensated for them just unexpectedly: she hugged me when she found me the next day, she baked a cupcake with my name on it, and she waited for me at the practice room and watched me dance. Everybody knows that Park Jaera is a woman of impatience, so her sudden actions really surprised me, and delighted me albeit secretly.

And then she would do upsetting things again, and would then recompense for them, just like how she stood on my doorstep and apologized to me, embracing me, cooking for me. But then again, she wouldn’t really grant me the thing I obviously wanted the most.

I attempted several times to assault her but she would always get away. I just couldn’t understand why she kept on holding back when her body was obviously reacting delicately to my advances. She was acting so strange; her voice, it suddenly became gentle and reluctant. Her eyes, they were always trembling as if she was constantly scared. Her actuations, they were suspicious. And her face, it had a different glow. She never asked me to buy things for her anymore.  She was just, contented, of being with me, without asking for anything else. The little words she said, the things she did; they made me feel like they were too good for me, and I started to think, was she starting to fall for me?

So I thought I was just over-thinking it. Jaera knew my game. She knew I was just playing around, so why would she jump on the trap of falling in love with me?

I was somewhat relieved when she ditched me one day. I was about to meet up with her, but she wasn’t at the place where we’re supposed to meet. That was the typical her. But then the next day, she visited me at the practice room again, and that was to make sure I wasn’t offended of what she did. Why was she beginning to care so much about how I feel? It was not a big deal. It wasn’t like it's the first time that she ditched me. But I just went along and asked her to make up for it by giving me kiss. It was funny because she looked so nervous. And then, although she was evidently shaking, she hoisted up to kiss me, deeply and heartfeltly, that for the very first time, my heart kicked inside my chest. I didn’t know why, but I felt something I couldn’t define from that very simple kiss.

I started to worry that she might be in love with me. It was ridiculous because I shouldn’t care if she was. I wasn’t supposed to care about her feelings. It was her fault. I could always leave her when she becomes too obsessed about me.

So I still played on my role as his boyfriend despite the signs, and I admit I liked spending time with her. During the preparations for the Spring Festival, I would always seek time to fetch her in her pageant practice, so that we could spend lunchtime together. She wasn’t even demanding to eat out at the expensive restaurants, and most of the time we were just eating at the school's cafeteria. She would always flush whenever I catch her peeking at me, or whenever I utter cheesy things, and I actually felt mesmerized by the expressions on her face. I wasn’t noticing that I was starting to pay so much attention about her and I would sometimes catch myself thinking about her before I sleep.

I realized I didn’t like where the two of us were going. She started to care not only about my feelings but also about the whole of me. When she saw the exhaustion that I was having about my dancing competition, she asked me to lay it low. Her face gave out a genuine look of worry and it sent my heart to be agitated, panicked even. I didn’t like it that she was worrying about me, I wasn’t used to it. She wasn’t supposed to care. She wasn’t supposed to look at me that way. So when she gave me a serum drink for my health, I was finally convinced that she was indeed, in love with me. I didn’t know what I was deranged about, but I didn’t want her to fall in love with me. I didn’t want to lose whatever it was that we had. Our setup had been already great. Why must she shatter it with some deeper emotions?

I told myself that I shouldn’t give a about her. But when we were at a party one night, I was greatly pissed that she never noticed that I was there. She was with a guy, and he had been rumored about hooking up with her a couple of times. Jaera told me that they were just friends, but it was obvious that the guy didnt see her the same way. Sehun verged in minutes after, and I'd been noticing that he had been all around her as well. Sehun was one of my closest friends, and he was the least I expected to like girls like Jaera. But I wasn’t that stupid to not see that he was in deep about her. I just kept the fume inside. I couldn’t understand where my annoyance was coming from, but I continually stood watching her from a distance and I saw how at ease she was with them. She wasn’t as jumpy with them as much as she did with me, and it annoyed me even more.

When I finally got the chance to snatch her for myself, I locked us up inside a room. I was mad, and she was weak. I oppressively ravished her, but she didn’t fight me, instead, she kissed me back.  I stopped awhile. I stared at her and found my heart impairing from the little tears in her eyes. I was ferocious, yet I melted, just to kiss her once more. Inside my chest was a cautious beating. It warned me that I was going to a danger I should stop taking more steps to.

She was confusing me.

And it was not just lust anymore.

I wanted her more than the lust inside of me. My mind was screaming that I have to stop her into falling deeper, but I also didn’t want her heart to stop beating for me. I knew that I wasn’t in love with her; but the desire, the ache inside my chest, what were they?

I was on the verge of taking her all the way but her trembling eyes shot me out of the flame. She was so scared. She wanted me, but she was also terrified. It made me confused a hundred times more. It wasn’t our first time, and we had done it innumerable times before. She wasn’t supposed to be scared. I couldn’t do it further when our emotions were seeping through our way of lust. I prevented myself right then.

Sehun was looking for us when we were about to escape the party. His eyes became indignant when he saw us, but the jaded state of Jaera made his indignation crash into a despairing heartbreak. He must have pictured what we did. I thought he'd keep his devotion for her to himself but it was apparent that he was willing to battle against me despite knowing that Jaera was already mine. I tried to ignore him, but he was too besotted about her that someone had to interfere and drag Jaera to leave us both. The two of us were left in a suffocating tension, and it was a situation I never imagined Sehun and I would ever be into.

I sat by the foot of the stairs, and Sehun followed beside me. He exhaled heavily while I tried to keep myself composed. I was annoyed of the fact that he was attempting on my girlfriend when he fully knew the friends' rule; friends aren’t supposed to hook up with their friend's girlfriend, because it doesn’t feel right, and it just doesn’t work like that. I just couldn’t believe that we had to go through a phase as that.

"Tell me, what do you really feel about her?" Sehun asked with grudging eyes, and I had to gulp from the severity of his tone.

by sarcasm, I scoffed. I needed not to answer his question and my relationship with Jaera wasn’t in his business at the very first place. "If you aren’t so serious right now I could’ve answered you." I said.

"Is she still something like a game for you?!  because dude, it's different now." He said vehemently.

"Different?" I scoffed, "Last time I checked, this thing is no way different from the others."

"Are you seriously keeping this up Kai? Can’t she just be one of your exceptions? Can you just spare her from your wicked games?!" He blurted.

"What makes her so different that I have to do that?" I spat, "This is how I operate Sehun, and you should’ve known that more than anyone else."

He took a sharp breath. "If you can’t treat her right, then just let her go before it's too late—"

I chuckled menacingly as if he’s not making sense. "You're not one to tell me what to do."

Sehun breathed out to keep his temper down. "Can’t you see that you're already tormenting her? Are you that heartless?"

"She's my property, I'll do whatever I want to do with her—"

Then Sehun punched me all of a sudden. I was taken aback, but I got angry too that I blew a fist on him back. The impact stung, and it clouded my entire being of the real reason as to why I was fighting. I didn’t even know why I kept on throwing my fists as if it was an excuse for me to release the erupting emotions inside of me. I was occupied about Jaera, and my game, and the madness around us. Why was I feeling so heavy inside? Park Jaera was just like my other relationships. She was nothing to me. I didn’t care about her. She was just a game to me. I only wanted her body. I wasn’t feeling anything else. I am Kim Jongin and I don’t fall in love.

But by the day of my dance competition, the first thing I did as I got up the stage was too look for her in the audience. Way back when I thought about dancing, I would just see it as a genuine passion o