credits to shinaej for this cute banner ♥

"Love exists, but with an absence of eternity. At the first moment of a lovers encounter, there's an affirmation of love, psychologically lunacy, emptiness, panic, delusion that the moment will last forever. I'm seized by desire; I  hide behind my back, and postpone all answers." 

*

Jongin is holding my hand as we find our way to exit the party. I am muted into recession, emotionally and physically messed-up. My chest feels so heavy, the more I try to hold it in the more it struggles to fall. I feel so feeble, I just want to die.

I see Sehun hurrying down the lounge with Sulli following and hauling him back. Her face is helplessly worried while Sehun keeps on ignoring her pleas. Walking down the stairs, Sehun finally sees us. His jaw automatically clenches, his eyes piercing like a beast, and he marches towards us as if to attack.

I am too weak to function. My heart just hurts, and it is all that I feel. Sehun looks at me with panted breaths, his maddening eyes melting down to helplessness, and I quiver once more.

"Jaemi.." He mouths. I look away.

Jongin doesn’t want to mind him and continues to walk forward, but Sehun opens his mouth to snarl. "What did you do to her?"

Sighing first, Jongin turns to face Sehun with a suppressed emotion in his face. "I think it's really none of your business, Sehun."

Sehun is about to charge, but Sulli begs at him with "Please Sehun, don’t do this.." yet he still shoves her hands away.

It’s almost at the same time, when Luhan comes and stops from the heated sight of us.

"We're going home," Jongin tugs my hand to move forward, but Sehun pulls my other hand, and we halt again.

Jongin closes his eyes, trying to keep his cool. "Let. go. of. her. hand, Sehun." He musters with gritted teeth. Sehun tightens his grip on my hand and gives a slight pull.

"What the is your problem?!" Jongin finally bursts.

Sulli automatically panics, and she runs in between the two guys to stop them. They continue sending deathly glares to each other, yet all I can do is watch. I don’t understand what's happening anymore.

"DAMN IT YOU TWO! STOP THIS!" Sulli shouts breathlessly.

Luhan takes it as a point to approach me. I gaze at him hopelessly, and he reads the pain in my eyes. He wants to say something, but words fail him.

"She is not going anywhere with you." Sehun scowls.

"I said stop it!" Sulli yells, trying to stop the two from tearing each other's faces. "She's not going with any of the two of you either! I'll be the one to take her home, and you guys... should talk."

Sulli pulls me from the scene in remorse. Luhan is completely lost, so he follows us toward the garage. Not minding his presence, Sulli rounds the steering wheel and off we drive through the dead night. Luhan takes my hand softly and give it a soft squeeze. I stare at him and return a painful smile.

"I can’t believe those two! They could’ve made a fuss and ruined my party!" Sulli finally rants, "That was the first time that I ever saw them acting like that, it was damn scary—Sehun was—ugh! I can’t believe it."

The response is silence, but Sulli continues to rant. "Jaera-ssi, I know this is out of my concern, but… you should get your feelings straight."

Get my feelings straight..

I actually don’t know anymore.

Sulli doesn’t speak after that. The muteness is suspended awhile until she asks, "What's your address by the way?"

"I don’t want to go home." I croak.

Luhan sits up and speaks, "I'll take care of her."

"But where will we go?" Sulli anxiously asks.

"Here. Stop here." Luhan utters, and the car skids. Coincidentally, we stop by a playground for kids.

"Are you sure you guys will be okay here?" Sulli asks as we finally got out. Luhan nods firmly, and her face wrinkles in apprehension before meekly squeezing her lips.

When she speeds out, I turn and saunter to the swings. I can hardly process whatever has happened; all I know is that I'm devastated and I can’t continue going further with this wounded feelings inside my chest. I slump down on the swing, and Luhan follows and swings beside mine.

I stare at nothingness. I hear a lonely silence. My body and mind shiver from the cold, I never imagine to feel so much.

"I don’t really understand what's going on, and I'm not gonna ask you to tell me, but... don’t hold it in Jaemi." Luhan sighs in between words.

I choke, and tears unknowingly stream down my face.

"I think I'm going crazy..." My voice is shaking.

Luhan sighs and my back.

I begin to sob hard, then it becomes harder, as if I do, I can release it all out, but no, instead my loads have gotten even heavier, and they are slamming down like hammers... wrecking me.

"I'm too weak for this. I can’t even understand why I'm crying.” I sob. "why does it hurt right here?" I clutch my chest, and it constricts from the reality of my words.

Luhan doesnt know what to say. He bends down in front of me and grips my hand. His eyes are flickering upon my misery. He is lost and a part of me wants to tell him the entire story, but I know what the outcome will be. It is wrong. If there's someone to blame about all that is happening, then that's me, because I’m not strong enough to battle against my lies.

"I'm here..." Luhan whispers.

I sniffle that my reply becomes buzzed. I wipe my tears by my knuckles and sigh. "How can I make this go away.."

"Come here." Luhan stands and pulls my hand.

"Wha—"

He places his hand behind my waist, the other positioning my hand above his shoulder.

"We are going to dance."

He pulls me closer, and bends our hands a little. The feeling is so familiar, and he starts humming a beautiful melody close to my ears. I rest my cheek against his neck, allowing myself to fall inside the melancholy and warmth between us. We dance in a slow and overtaking rhythm. Unknowingly, my lips curve to a smile.

"Deoneun mangseoriji ma jebal, nae simjangeul geodueo ga, geurae nalkareulsurok joha dalbit jochado nuneul gameun bam.." Luhan sings, his voice is as sweet as the heavens, and I find my tears drying in my eyes. I drape my arms around his neck, squeezing myself closer and closer to him as if we aren’t close enough.

"Na anin dareun namjayeotdamyeon huigeuk anui han gujeorieotdeoramyeon Neoui geu saranggwa bakkun sangcheo modutaewobeoryeo.. Baby dont cry… tonight.."

I sniff. His voice is like a language of the soul that soothes my distress, a sudden wave of sunshine against my gloom.

My eyes flutter close.

*

My Sunday starts with an SMS from Luhan which contains a lot of smiley emoticons. It makes me smile.

We’ve texted the entire day although most of our topics were out of sense. It actually keeps me from thinking the depressing events of last night, but there are still squeezes inside my chest that I can’t deny. Pictures of Jongin's face flash across my vision; they remind me of how ashamed I am of myself, how I created a huge mistake—how irresistible his effect can be upon me.

My sister, she's going to kill me if she’ll know about this. How can I tell her how sorry I am for unintentionally doing those sinful things with her lover?

With my hands shaking, I dial the number she used to contact me the last time, and listen to the sluggish ringing on the line. It takes a while before a faint "Hello?" answers in.

"Hi. It's me.." I breathe.

"Oh! Jaemi! Hey I'm sorry for not calling you! I was... I was… busy."

"It’s... okay." I force to say. "How are you?"

"Great! You?"

"I'm okay. I'm doing good." I try to sound cheerful, hoping she won’t notice.

"That's good to hear. Why you called? The Spring Pageant is still after 3 days right?"

"Yeah, I.. uh… I j-just want to… hear your voice."

"Is something wro