I felt bad. No, in fact ‘bad’ wasn’t the best word to describe what I felt right now. I couldn’t even tell if I felt anything at all. I was just empty… empty and drained – physically and mentally – as if my brain just switched off without my permission. Who knew telling those few words will take so much energy? Are break ups always that hurtful and tiring? Every move was painful, exhausting to the point when you just want to lay on the ground, close your eyes and fall asleep.

But I couldn’t do it.

Not when he was still there, watching me with eyes full of disbelief, confusion and something more, something I couldn’t really name. Was it anger? Disappointment? Didn’t he like what I said? I wasn’t sure and more importantly, I didn’t care. All I wanted now was running away from him. All I needed was being far away from Baekhyun. So I forced my body to move. With the last doze of energy I found in myself, I made first, the hardest and the most important step in my life. I started walking away from Baekhyun, from his life and everything that was connected to him, leaving those painful memories behind. I wasn’t going to turn around, I didn’t plan to look at him for the last time because I knew how pointless it was. He wouldn’t bother to stop me anyway, would he?

I smiled bitterly to myself. Why would he when in his eyes I was just some disgusting, unimportant girl? 

Like in a slow motion, I lifted my right leg to make second step and suddenly a hand slammed the door behind my back with loud noise, landing just centimeters away from my face. I yelped, surprised and scared to see an extended arm in front of my eyes. Another gust of cold, autumn wind ruffled my hair and second later a familiar scent filled my nose. Baekhyun’s perfumes – the sweet and suffocating scent I hated and loved in the same time. I tried so hard to swallow the big lump that formed in my throat when I realized what was going on. I shifted my eyes slowly from the hand to the shoulder of the person who trapped me between his arms. The only sound I was able to hear was my heart ringing crazily in my ears. The noise was almost painful, almost injurious, making me nauseous and disoriented.

Slowly, I turned my face to the right, just to see Baekhyun watching me with frustrated look on his face. His lips were pressed into thin line, jaw clenched with anger, strains of hair covering his eyes from time to time because of the wind playing around. He fixed his dark eyes on me and I shivered unconsciously, turning my face away when his stare became too intense to endure.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

My whole body tensed after hearing his voice – cold, firm and without any emotions. My throat was dry and I could feel the bitter, metallic taste in my mouth. I could hear everything he said but I wasn’t able to grasp the meaning of his words and utter a single response. I simply didn’t understand  what he wanted from me, why Baekhyun acted this way when I just did what he asked for, why he was making everything more complicated. Was he enjoying seeing me in this state?

It was too much for me and his coldness towards my person made it worse. I bit my lip, trying to stop my tears from falling. I didn’t want him to see me crying and when my eyes became too watery, I took one shaky breath and pushed his arm with force to clear my way before I will lose control and break down in front of him.

The second I escaped from his trap, I felt strong grip on my wrist and got pulled back in an instant, hitting the cold door with my back in the process. Ignoring the pain that flew through my body, I lifted my eyes rapidly to look with anger at Baekhyun who was now holding my two wrists.

“I’m going home.” I said firmly. Trying to release myself from his grasp, I sent him a warning look but he seemed to ignore it. In fact his grip tightened even more. I clenched my teeth with anger, “Let me go, Baekhyun. Now.”

“I will.” He said hoarsely and his warm breath caressed the skin on my face, making me realize how close he was. “When I’ll finish with you.”

“You’re unbelievable.” I snorted turning my head to the left, not able to look him in the eyes anymore. I swallowed the irritation that was growing in me because of his behavior and the need to always have the last word. “Make it quick, I don’t have time.”

“For Kai you always have time.”

I looked at him almost immediately when he finished speaking. The tone of his voice was low and sarcastic to the point where I couldn’t figure out if he was hurt or simply furious. I furrowed my brows and squinting my eyes I looked at him with confusion written all over my face, “What?”

The grip on my wrists lessened a bit and Baekhyun leaned back a little, straightening himself. I was observing him with determination, hoping to find the answer for his odd behavior but it was impossible to figure out what was in his mind when he wore this indifferent expression on his face. But when I wanted to give up, something in him snapped. He let go of my hands and sighed loudly, making one step away from me, turning his face away. He looked like the realization of his own words suddenly reached him, like he actually didn’t plan to say it in the first place and regret was eating him from the inside.

I blinked few times when Baekhyun cursed loudly, running hand through his hair. He bit his bottom lip and without noticing, I did the same. The unknown feeling – something between hope, fear and anticipation – filled my body, making my heart beat faster. Did I just hear something I wasn’t supposed to hear? Was Baekhyun actually… No, it was impossible, he couldn’t be… jealous, right?

And even if it was wrong, that was the only explanation my mind offered to me after hearing what Baekhyun just said. His words from yesterday and today’s actions were mutually exclusive and incredibly confusing. If he was the one who wanted to break up, why he stopped me from leaving today? If in his eyes I was just another disgusting girl, why was he angry when I finally decided to let him go? Why was he giving me hope, just to let me down second later?

And why he mentioned Kai? Did he actually hear about the rumors?

I opened my mouth just to close it moment later when I realized that I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t even ask one question, afraid of the answer I could hear from Baekhyun. I was looking at him with anticipation, waiting in silence for him to do something and dispel my fears and doubts. But he didn’t do anything. He was just staring off into space in front of him, not willing to utter a single word and still keeping me in suspense.

I could just go home or keep being quiet, waiting for miracle to happen but that silence was driving me crazy and I couldn’t stand it anymore. I took a deep breath and exhaled loudly, gathering my courage to do something. Ignoring the quiet voice in my head, saying to leave as fast as possible, I forced myself to say his name. But before I could even open my mouth, his head snapped to attention and he looked in my direction, as if he heard my thoughts. He looked at me with tired eyes, without the anger I saw just a few moments ago.

“Just… forget it.” He said quietly, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Forget what I said, forget about everything and go home.”

Just like that? I couldn’t go back without discovering the truth. I couldn’t leave without knowing the reason of his odd behavior. I put my palms on the cold, metal door behind me and that simple move helped me to gather my thoughts immediately.

“What do you actually want me to do, Baekhyun?” I said with shaky voice but full of confidence. “I really don’t know what you expect from me. How should I act now? What should I say to not make you angry again?” I continued, raising my voice with every word, “I’m trying to please you all the time. You wanted to break up so I agreed to it but now you act like you’ve changed your mind. What exact—“<