CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT:Need

 

 

“Just the six of us.”

 

It had been a while since he last saw such sincere expression on s’ faces. Although it wasn’t something to smile about, SungGyu couldn’t help it but feel warm in his chest. Nostalgia was hitting him hard. This was Infinite. The one that got hurt together, the one that cared about the other. The one that, even if problems reached them, stood up for the other. Not the selfish thing they had started to be - where everyone tried to pull and push in different ways, not the one that did things behind others’ backs.

 

“You’re filming it this monday, right?”

 

The calm voice that reached their ears not only surprised SungGyu but the younger members. SungYeol, with a matching smooth expression, stood close to the door frame.  In his hands a small tupper.

 

“Yes,” SungGyu found himself answering in a careful way.

 

So all along he knew about this.

 

“Yeol-ah,” DongWoo sounded worried, yet the only thing he got from the called one was a grin and the old storaged pickles.

 

“Who the hell came with this stupid idea?”

 

There was an understandable frown on L’s forehead and SungGyu had to recognize the effort the young male did to not use his usual colorful vocabulary. It was almost natural to listen to it whenever there was something that affected his closest friend. And this decision affected SungYeol, directly.

 

“The directives,” Hoya grimaced – still surprised that no one apart from him and the leader knew about their schedule – while SungJong eyed from under his eyelashes at the outcasted member.

 

“You okay, SungYeol-hyung?”

 

“Why wouldn’t I?” SungYeol snorted at the youngest’s concern. Snort that came too loud for SungGyu’s like. “Isn’t it good? The video will finally appear everywhere. Promotions will be complete now.”

 

“Well, that’s true.”

 

“Hyung,” L’s eyes opened wide, unpleased with WooHyun’s comment.

 

“What, MyungSoo?”

 

“Come on, guys. This is good,” SungYeol’s voice went slightly louder, breaking thru the commotion that was starting in the room without air conditioner. “All for Infinite, right?”

 

SungGyu would’ve believed SungYeol actually didn’t mind if it wasn’t for his smile. It was too big – forced – and his eyes held no glow.  He was trying so hard, not only for himself but for the group. It was obvious his intentions, too obvious the other members found themselves, even if it was little by little, trying to smile too.  Hurting and healing.

 

None of them brought the topic again, the only reminder of it was the perpetual smile in SungYeol’s lips and the constant frown above MyungSoo’s eyes. Other than that, the members were trying their best to act like they used, enjoying the food brought by WooHyun and laughing at whatever the other did. SungJong and DongWoo were doing a great job, Hoya and WooHyun on the other side were busy giving themselves some smartass remarks. When necessary, SungGyu laughed or commented. He was busy looking at the younger males he was in charge of to enter their games and conversations. Then he looked at SungYeol. How much he was suffering and having in his hands at the moment. And to top it with the reactions and opinions of each member.  Even if he had planned to ignore it, to not think about it, SungGyu couldn’t stop himself from wondering how would it feel if he was the one in his place. The one getting all the attention because of something he had no control over.

 

He hadn’t told anything to his parents, less to his sister, about his sickness. If JungRyul knew was because he was in charge of him, but not even Geonam had a clue of what they had discovered in him. When SungGyu first received the news about his health, he happened to be too infuriated with the members to even want share it with them. JungYeop had made things easier for him saying the results were meant to be kept between them.

 

But now? Did he want to talk to someone?

 

Discreetly he looked at DongWoo. Sometimes, SungGyu felt the slightly younger male acted like an older brother, there was something special in him. Personally, he enjoyed to speak his thoughts with him the most because, even if his way of expressing was rather confusing, DongWoo was an intelligent man that found strength in the simplest things.  Without thinking, he had taught plenty of things to SungGyu. Still, he found no way to talk with the rapper. It wasn’t that SungGyu didn’t want to, it was more like there was something between them that made the communication difficult. SungGyu’s trust in DongWoo was gone.

 

The laugh from his left made him change his attention to another member. SungJong. The youngest in the group. Could he bring more burden to the member that had too much over his shoulders thanks to the mess his hyungs kept doing? What about SungYeol? No. He couldn’t show his wounds to the person that had taken him as pillar. SungGyu had to support SungYeol. He had to keep strong for the excluded member.

 

He had to.

 

Responsibilities.

 

Who’s goning to listen to him?

 

 

“Aish, this idiot, falling asleep where he shouldn’t.”

 

How or when, they weren’t sure, but Hoya had ended up falling asleep on SungGyu’s bed. As the night went by, the members had disappeared slowly and silently to their beds but sleep had caught the dancer before he could do something about it.

 

“Well, I’m not gonna carry him,” SungGyu heard SungJong said between a yawn before he wished the last people in the bedroom good night. Well, this certainly wasn’t included in being the maknae. Sighing, SungGyu turned to his bed. The dancer’s posture wasn’t the most comfortable. At all.

 

“HoWon-ah,” before he reached for the sleeping idol, he got stopped by something taking a grip of his elbow. His skeptical eyes caught sight of what had reached him, a hand, then at it’s owner.

 

“Don’t wake him up,” WooHyun said moments later, letting go of the leader. “Can’t you see he’s almost dead?”

 

For a moment, SungGyu had thought WooHyun had stopped him because he wanted to be the one waking Hoya up. Just to annoy the heck out of the younger male.  

 

“Everyone’s like that. Yah, HoWon—” Once again, his roommate took him by the arm.

 

“Hyung, the other day he lost it for a moment while practicing,” WooHyun said, his expression disgruntled. “It won’t kill you to let him sleep there. Just tonight.”

 

SungGyu turned to see the sleeping member. “He fainted?”

 

“Almost,” WooHyun shrugged before he gave some distance between them. SungGyu had no intentions of waking the younger up.  Somehow Hoya ended up seeming a lot more fragile. “You can take my bed.”

 

That offer took SungGyu by surprise.

 

He opened his mouth before closing it, then he opened it again. “What’s gotten into you?” His question came slow and cautious yet he got another unabashed shrug from the younger. Was he too busy unfolding the empty chicken boxes to even use his mouth?

 

There was something in all this – chicken included – that didn’t seem WooHyunish at all. Was he getting sick too? SungGyu eyed him as his guard went up. There wasn’t something  that could tell him something was up with the younger male. Nothing, except for the attitude, seemed different in him. Still, with his heavy mind he decided to not give it too much thought before he took the offer. He didn’t say it out loud but him climbing up was enough to let WooHyun know his answer.  

 

SungGyu was tired. The day had been specially long for him. He just wanted to sleep it away. To find comfort in his dreams.

 

As he covered himself with the thin bedclothes – more out of habit than of need – he noticed WooHyun was done picking up the mess they had done while eating. His expression, not too different from Hoya’s, showed his fatigue.

 

“You know last time I didn’t kick you out of the room, right?”

 

It hadn’t been him, it had been all along WooHyun’s almost inexistent conscience.

 

“I know,” the voice came soft before the lights in the room went off. “Rest well, Hyung.”

 

There was something in the way WooHyun had slightly smiled at him that the image got instantly carved in the back of his mind. He had no clue what it meant or how it had affected him but he was certain it had made something inside of him move.

 

Once again – giving the credits to his tiredness or uncertainty he held towards the younger – SungGyu took the easy path, shutting his thoughts up and letting his consciousness be consumed by the god of sleep. But like all plans, this one didn’t follow what the idol wanted but what destiny had written.

 

Even if he was tired, even if there were no lights, even if he was in a bed. SungGyu found it impossible to fall asleep.

 

It had started well, but little by little he noticed how the bedsheet made him feel uncomfortable, almost annoyed. What was it? He wasn’t so sure. Then he understood. It’s coolness was identical to the one the hospital room’s bedsheets held. He passed some saliva. Although it wasn’t there anymore, he felt the needle crossing the skin of hand. Quickly he scratched it, not before he kicked the bedsheets from his body. The atmosphere from the hospital was now surrounding his own bedroom.

 

At some point, Hoya’s strong breathing got noticeable in his ears. The special sound that once had been a soft lullaby for him was now hitting – slowly but surely – his eardrums. Groaning at his sensible senses, SungGyu covered his ears with both hands. Instead of the breathing, he heard perfectly his beating heart that had started to accelerate it’s rhythm. The way his heart was beating made him feel uneasy. Again he passed some saliva. His throat didn’t hurt but the mere knowledge that he had something in his neck made him do that. With this, a river of thoughts flowed down. Just like a waterfall.

 

Useless thoughts.

 

There’s no use in having a silent room if your thoughts are as loud as an electro rave.

 

SungGyu ran both hands thru his hair. He didn’t want to give in to the arriving stress, he just wanted to sleep but his own body was sabotaging him. His mind was getting weaker. Although the bed was softer he could feel his muscles tense.

 

He had to shut them all out. He had to end their constant noise in his mind. SungGyu wanted silence. He needed it. In a desperate act he turned over and pressed his face to the pillow as much as he could. Then he screamed. He screamed as strong  and loud as he could.

 

When silence came to his mind and his throat started to ache, he stopped.  

 

SungGyu turned his head to the side inhaling deeply, his lungs filling with a soft scent. He exhaled and breathed, taking in once again the scent. There was no noise inside of his head now, but he could feel the useless thoughts wanting to crawl up. They couldn’t come back but SungGyu couldn’t keep shouting all night. Biting his lip, he lowered his face down, in search for the soft pillow. Then he inhaled, the soft scent becoming more present in the air.

 

WooHyun’s scent.

 

Not knowing what he was doing, SungGyu pulled the pillow closer to him. His arms and legs pressing in it as tightly as possible to his body. His breathing became quicker, noisier, and as the scent started to intoxicate his lungs, his skin began to sweat, yet he was trembling. Why was the room getting colder? Warmth. He wanted to feel warm. Although the scent was comforting, it didn’t release warmth. He needed warmth. This wasn’t enough. He needed a distraction. He needed—

 

“.”

 

The way he got out of bed didn’t seem clumsy, it just came as desperate as he was starting to feel. He almost tripped with the energy he had used to get off of that uncomfortable place. The pillow he had been holding dearly was now forgotten on the floor. The cool under his feet brought shivers to his body but he paid no attention to them. SungGyu glanced at Hoya’s sleeping form, it wasn’t long enough to know if he was completely asleep but he had no more time to spent on him. Like a magnet, he was being pulled away. And that slight smile—He didn’t notice the loud noise he made as he pushed open his bedroom’s door.

 

Because of the speed he took, when he turned left he tripped getting hit on the shoulder with the wall but he felt no pain as he pushed himself up again—Cold. The hall was colder. He needed the warmth. He needed the scent. He needed—

 

His breathing had turned heavier. His skin was aching and in the back of his mind he felt he was acting like an animal. He didn’t care. He wasn’t that conscious of his actions. He just wanted to reach it. He needed to get there soon. He felt like screaming again—Then he froze on the spot.

 

As if he had been waiting for him all along, WooHyun was sitting cross-legged in the sofa. He was slightly hunched but his face was lifted up. Serene. His eyes completely locked with SungGyu’s. Had he seen this coming?

 

SungGyu was trying to catch his breath. He needed to take a seat and actually breathe but he couldn’t move from where he was standing. He was scared to give another step. He had finally understood what he been about to do.

 

Never in their time as a group had SungGyu felt the need to approach to WooHyun like he had done that night. But because his mind didn’t let him, his body was the one that gave him the order. One way or another WooHyun had been sure SungGyu was going to go after him. And he did. But SungGyu wasn’t that weak.

 

Yet.

 

“Why?” He found himself asking in a whisper.

 

“Because I always know when something’s bothering you.” After a pregnant pause, came the answer. The younger idol carefully uncrossed his legs. “And right now you need me.”

 

Then WooHyun stood up. And SungGyu, instinctively, gave a step backwards. He had been too tired to see it, too immersed in other problems to pay close attention. He had almost fallen into WooHyun’s unconscious trap without noticing. He had almost gave in.

“But this is the only thing I can do since you don’t let me in, and I don’t know why.”

 

“You know the reason,” SungGyu’s voice slowly took form making WooHyun squint his eyes. His gaze fell to the side, as if he was searching for his next words, instead, he walked forward. Slowly cutting the distance between him and SungGyu. This time he didn’t back down. He just breathed sharply when WooHyun took his hands between his. He had seen the contact coming.

 

“Hyung,” the voice unashamedly pleaded in a small whisper getting under SungGyu’s skin. Now it was his turn to look away.  “Let me in.”

 

Not like this.

 

The scent came again, gentle and intoxicating. His mind was getting numb with the heat that emanated from WooHyun’s exposed skin. The warmth that his hands gave him was delightful.  He was real, the only thing that kept being just like the past. Their good times. Their trust and closeness. This was a low punch. This wasn’t fair. WooHyun knew him so well.

 

“Doing this won’t make me change.”

 

Unwillingly, he pushed WooHyun’s hands from his own. He didn’t want to. He had to.

 

“Then what can I do to fix this?” Could he sound more desperate?  “I miss us. I hate sleeping here. I rather feel the heat of our room than sleep another night here but I can’t go back since you keep pushing me away.”

 

“You said I didn’t.”

 

“Well, you do! Unlike the others, you keep ignoring me. Me of all,” WooHyun groaned, his hands reaching for SungGyu’s arms. “You knew I concluded recording the drama and I haven’t heard a single word about it.”

 

SungGyu wasn’t that fond of seeing him breaking like this. Still, he said “you did what you had to do.”

 

“See?” WooHyun cried pulling his arms closer. His face hidden as he rested his forehead in SungGyu’s shoulder. The touch wavering the older idol. “What the hell am I supposed to do with this, huh? Where’s the old SungGyu-hyung?”  

 

The feeling of WooHyun close to him felt nice, comforting just like he had imagined. After the hours spent in the cold hospital room, SungGyu had ended up needing human contact, warmth from another human being. There were too many things in his mind and WooHyun happened to be the person that helped erase them from his mind.

 

His warmth was calming, so soothing, his hands went to reach for the younger’s body. Slowly, he let his nose sink into his hair, the soft scent getting him slightly drunk. It felt so good. But at the same time it hurt. True, he missed them. Yes, he had been distant, mainly from him. But SungGyu had the right to do it. Even if WooHyun was aware something was still bothering him,  the young singer hadn’t reached bottom yet. Because when he did, SungGyu was sure, WooHyun was going to find the answer to all his questions. The key to evaporate his stress.   SungGyu didn’t want to go back, he wanted a change.

 

“WooHyun-ah,” SungGyu found himself saying, slowly lifting his head. “Remember the time you said I was a chopstick without a spoon without you?”

 

A soft snort was released from the younger. “I’ll always say that.”

 

Their eyes met and it was then that SungGyu gently released himself from the younger singer’s grip. WooHyun’s eyes widened slightly. There was a small trace of fear. Again, SungGyu couldn’t blame him.

 

“Then don’t forget you’re just a needle that can’t saw and a string that can’t fly without me.”

 

There was no space for an answer, SungGyu didn’t give him time to say anything as he turned to give him his back, walking away. As he reached his bedroom, he stopped, for a moment he swore he had heard WooHyun’s almost inaudible voice.

 

“...I know.”

 

 

 

♫

 

 

 

From under his long eyelashes he was paying close attention to the other’s every move. Quietly,  blowing at his cup of coffee, acting careful. It almost seemed natural, like it had always been but now in HoWon’s eyes it was different. He could almost read the intention behind those eyes. He could almost understand the reason behind the way those lips slightly pursed. What had been thought something normal – a way of losing oneself deeply into their own thoughts – it had turned into a blunt action that could harm everyone and everything they had. He was now able to see it. It was as big as the sun.

 

Carefully, MyungSoo drank some of his beverage before he set his elbows on top of the table. Again his eyes went to the person he had been looking at for a while now. Hoya could feel his stomach compress as he found it hard to read the look.

 

The only thing he knew was that MyungSoo couldn’t stop looking at SungYeol.

 

“Hyung, aren’t you gonna go sleep? Geonam’s arriving early tomorrow,” the dancer’s attention turned to SungJong who was standing close to him with a bare face and thin pyjama clothes. The laugh from the living room made both turn to said place. “SungYeol’s still watching TV?”

 

“Yeah,” Hoya grimaced.

 

Since they arrived to the dorms after rehearsal that sunday, they saw SungYeol stuck in their living room, his eyes completely glued to the TV. He wasn’t sulking, he laughed at the MC’s comments and groaned whenever something nasty or unpleasant appeared. He overreacted like he would always do. But this whole thing seemed forced. SungYeol couldn’t last long watching TV. He wasn’t a sedentary person. But there he was, some hours later, still glued to the apparatus.

 

“Even if he says it’s okay, it’s obvious he’s hurt,” SungJong leaned on the doorframe. “I hate we can’t do anything for him.”

 

“We just can give our best,” Hoya noticed the difficulty he had to be sincere with his own words. Right then, his feelings and thoughts about that member in specific were confusing. He and MyungSoo were standing over a thin line in his eyes.

 

“How can that cheer him up? We’re gonna film a music video without him. This is just—aish,” SungJong stopped his own words shaking his head. A half smile appeared in Hoya’s lips before he turned his gaze to the members in the living room. MyungSoo hadn’t moved an inch from where he had been seating. A wide distance between him and SungYeol.

 

“SungJong-ah,” Hoya got a hum for an answer. “For how long have we shared the room?”

 

“Too long to remember, why?” The younger one suddenly frowned. His hand smacking over the dancer’s arm. “Are you implying you’re tired of sharing it with me?”

 

“It’s not that,” even if his arm hurt, the maknae’s reaction had been cute.

 

“Then?” His big eyes grew wider, yet his curiosity wasn’t fed since SungGyu’s voice rolled over the dorm.

 

“Yah! Lee SungJong!”

 

“What?” he said loudly but got no answer.  Meaning, he had to go meet the leader. That was one of the things the members completely hated about SungGyu – just like a parent. Hoya snorted at how quickly SungJong left to meet their leader, he was such an obedient kid.  

 

Deciding his staring was going to get him nowhere and that he  really had to get some sleep, Hoya turned back to the kitchen to fetch some milk. He had started to develop a like for cold milk at night. While he was busy searching for a clean cup, he heard someone entering the small place.  The same person he had been looking at a few moments ago was now next to him, serving himself more coffee.

 

“How come you can drink that when we’re about to sleep?” Hoya asked as he opened the fridge.  

 

“Caffeine doesn’t work with me.”

 

Hoya hummed before leaning on the fridge. His eyes paying attention to MyungSoo’s every move. It was starting to get as a hobby, decipher Infinite’s visual.

 

“L-ah,” Hoya found himself calling the younger. “Are you ready for tomorrow?”

 

“What’s there to be ready? We know the dance, the concept, everything. We just have to re-do it,” although MyungSoo’s tone sounded uncaring, the way he used a bit more strenght to place his mug on the counter proved he wasn’t loving their next schedule.

 

“Has SungYeol told you anything?” Hoya asked some moments later, although he tried to sound innocent, his eyes couldn’t stop from paying attention from the younger one’s reactions. To the question and to the name. “Has he opened up to you?”

 

“Nothing,” MyungSoo’s eyes looked from side to side before setting on the newly filled cup. “He doesn’t want to be a bother.”

 

When Hoya heard that a cynic smile invaded his lips. “At least he cares about Infinite.”

 

“What do you mean?” MyungSoo’s deep gaze wasn’t a joke. It had surprised Hoya, it had been awhile since he last received such a severe look from the younger male. And the way he was acting so overprotective towards SungYeol, it made him back down a bit. Yet soon Hoya got over those eyes and walked to where the younger was standing. Comfortably, he let his hand drop on the younger’s shoulder. A grin was given to MyungSoo making him confused.

 

“What you heard,” Hoya fixed his lenses with his other hand. “Even though he made a mistake, he’s working really hard for the group. He really cares about Infinite.”

 

MyungSoo’s attention turned to the door from where the noise from the TV emanated.

 

“We all do.”

 

“Do we?” Hoya let go of MyungSoo and walked a bit away. “Look how things are right now. There’s too much going on in everyone’s heads to focus on Infinite.”

 

“It’s okay, Hoya. They just need some time.”

 

When L voiced that out, the dancer turned over his heels but said nothing. Again some laughs from the TV mixed with SungYeol’s were heard. The noise from the fridge accompanied them like a hidden chant.

 

“You would never do something that might hurt Infinite, right?”  Hoya slowly asked getting a breathed never in response. “Say, MyungSoo-ya. What goes first? What you desperately want, or what Infinite deeply needs?”

 

The confusion was evident in the younger’s features. Still, he answered, carefully, but he did. “Infinite.”

 

“You said it yourself. I didn’t,” Hoya’s smile slowly disappeared. “Don’t forget your words. Even if it hurts, you’re not the only one sacrificing things. We all are.”

 

Gently, MyungSoo nodded before slightly tilting his head. The confusion still lingering on his features.

 

“Why are you telling me this?” It was MyungSoo’s turn to reach the dancer.

 

“I saw you. Both of you.”

 

It came out quick and feeble. Like some gentle breeze that manages to enter deep into your clothes and freeze your bones. The fact that no one had dared to say it out loud made it unreal, but now that Hoya did. The fact that SungYeol had kissed MyungSoo turned into something real.

 

L’s face went blank, seemed he was trying hard to find something to say, but there wasn’t anything. How could he say something when Hoya’s eyes had seen them. Why? How? It didn’t matter. They had been seen.

 

A heavy hand fell on MyungSoo’s shoulder.

 

“Before things get out of control, stop them. If you don’t do it, you’ll only hurt Infinite.”

 

Hoya knew he was sounding selfish, that he was acting like a jerk but he couldn’t let himself show his care. He couldn’t ask the younger how he was feeling. How SungYeol was feeling. He couldn’t ask the reason behind the shared kiss. He could only ask for MyungSoo to put an end to it before it got deeper, before it hurt them all.

 

“Don’t make this bigger and finish it quietly. Please, MyungSoo. I’m begging you.”

 

 

 

 

 

Ranting Zone,

I would like to use this ranting zone to express how grateful I am to all of you. 527 Subscribers and 74 votes, without counting the amazing comments and patience given, whoa, I'm really moved guys. This time I posted faster, I had some time and I really wanted to keep writing when I ended last chapter. As I'm reaching the end I'm feeling a lot more insecure with the chapters, there's too much going with each of them and I'm really trying to set everything nicely but I can't stop feeling it's leaking somewhere. When I get the time, I'll work harder and wrap this up nicely, I only ask for more patience. Thank you once again, guys.

By the way, if you are interested, go check my one-shot Because All Stories Have A Prologue, it's the actual prologue to this fiction and it's completelly MyungYeol centered.