CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR:Cynic

 

 

He didn't like it. Not one bit. If there was something SungGyu absolutely hated was lip-sync. He hated the falseness, the lack of emotion and the immense sensation of feeling something might actually go wrong with the recorded voice. It just wasn't fair for the audience and for him, that believed his voice was his actual source of fame and not his features.

 

Therefore, using playback made no sense to him. It wasn't like SungGyu was unable to sing, in all his voice sounded a tad raspier but that was about it. Nothing to make that abrupt change. At least that was what he believed before he met Doctor Kang that evening after Show Champion.
 

"Come again?"
 

SungGyu's breathed voice cut like a half-sharpened knife the frozen silence. Dirty and painfully.
 

Suddenly the doctor's spacious office seemed smaller. The pale walls turned grayer and the air conditioner got colder. The smell of medicine closed his throat.
 

There wasn't much space to take a deep breath and fill his empty lungs. There wasn't too much time to understand what the older man had just told him.
 

"Everything's going to be alright."
 

The CEO's words, that intended to be comforting, just made the room ten times smaller. Now that SungGyu saw it, Lee JungYeop was actually sitting really close to him.  And why did he had to enter with him to the doctor’s office? He was old enough to go alone.
 

"From the ultrasound we made, I noticed it isn't too developed. It was found at a good time, though it'll be good to make you some other tests," Doctor Kang said slowly as if he knew SungGyu wasn't really listening to him. He had been the young man’s doctor for years now.
 

"You have them scheduled for tomorrow morning,"  JungYeop added as he turned to look at the idol.
 

Why? Why were they telling him all this nonsense? Now things were turning blurred.
 

And what was all this—
 

"SungGyu?"
 

It took him a moment to focus his gaze in his director’s matured face, it was so different from the fresh one he first saw when he got signed in Woollim. Too many problems, too much stress.  He believed his face had aged too.
 

The air turned thicker, like mud trying to enter his lungs.
 

Suffocating.
 

"H-how...?"
 

Although SungGyu didn't end his question, the CEO understood.
 

Sighing, he answered. "You have kept getting sick for the past months, never having a real recovery so Doctor Kang decided to check deeper. I didn’t want him to tell you until we were sure what was going on with you."

 

Although it was his body, Lee JungYeop was the one that caught the news first. The one that made the decisions first. Always. SungGyu didn't like it. None of the Woollim's idols did.

 

"Things will turn better, SungGyu-ya. There's no need to worry or imagine the worse scenario," Doctor Kang said calmly as he rested his arms on his desk. "In all, I believe now we have a brighter scenario since we are close to diagnostique you."
 

Although their words were good, SungGyu couldn't help it but feel burdened. Even their comfort wasn’t enough to sweeten his reality. SungGyu's eyes moved from the doctor to the director hoping to find something that would tell him it was all a sour dream. The older men just eyed him reading the unspoken thoughts that slowly drained the young man's colour from his visage. In that moment they  remembered they weren’t treating with a kid anymore.  They both had been caught.
 

From all the worries in his mind, SungGyu managed to blurt one.
 

"W-what about my voice...?"
 

Even if it was short, he still didn't like the pregnant pause the older men did.
 

"There's a big chance it will turn back to normal," Doctor Kang's words were followed by a slight smile that had hope written on it. Unfortunately it disappeared too soon. "With the upcoming test I’ll be able to know how to actually treat you. I don't want to schedule a surgery too soon, yet it all depends on—"
 

"No."
 

From the few stuff SungGyu's cotton like mind registered there was one word that floated dangerously above.
 

"No."
 

A trace of panic covered SungGyu's confused eyes as he repeated the word. The gesture didn't go unnoticed by the director.
 

"It all depends on the final results, SungGyu. With the information Doctor Kang got from your studies he can't decide your treatment."
 

"No surgery."
 

He might not understand everything the older men were telling him, he might be too confused and slightly out of his rational self but there was one thing the young singer did know.
 

"Just listen!” JungYeop blurted before he sighed. His short fingers messed his combed hair. His eyes held dark lines that betrayed his secure attitude. The man was worried. "You think I want that for you?"
 

For how long had the director known this truth?
 

Between all his mixed feelings, the small flower of pity bloomed in SungGyu’s insides making him lower his face. The weight of the news took chance of it and got placed on his shoulders.  Why was he feeling that way towards his director when he was the one sick? When he knew the two older men were experiencing the same feeling towards him.  Why?
 

SungGyu didn’t know what to think anymore. 
 

Was he even making sense?
 

No, not today. 
 

That day wasn’t making sense at all. 
 

"Look, let's just wait until the diagnostic is complete to make a decision. Let's not precipitate," the CEO said with a soft smile, but not even his warm hand on the younger male’s leg could calm him.

 

 

When SungGyu found out he was going to the hospital accompanied by their director and not JungRyul like he usually did, a deep sensation of wariness cramped in his stomach. It was that unique and bothersome feeling that he got every time something difficult or not right was about to happen. It was unusual but it was precise. This time, he didn't get a moment to accept it.
 

As they were drove to the hospital, SungGyu got caught in the cold silence and in his plenty of hypothesis that explained the actual reason for him being drove there instead of the company’s building to practice with the others. Yes, they still practiced after their stages.
 

For a moment he guessed they were going to stick him in a hospital bed for a day or two. Or was it just for formalities? Then the lip-sync came to his mind. It wasn’t going to be that simple. And sure it wasn’t, but the thought that he would receive such disturbing news from Doctor Kang never crossed his mind.
 

Never.
 

 

 

"I should've learned from WooHyun's experience."
 

As soon as the director said that, a vivid image came to SungGyu's mind. An image from their years before debuting that he had wanted to bury. An image that held painful cries late at night, sour tears, a living hell and a heavy insecurity that hung loosely from WooHyun's orbs.
 

The idol shut his eyes tight as he sunk on the director’s office sofa. He didn’t want to see the man sitting across in his desk chair.  That uneasy expression made his stomach weak.
 

"But this is different..."
 

The singer heard Woollim's CEO murmur causing his heart to shrink. 
 

Yes, in all the senses, SungGyu's case was different.
 

Way too different.
 

After they went out from the hospital, Lee JungYeop decided to let SungGyu get some air in Woollim’s building and to eat something since the colour from his face hadn’t returned yet. But the young man barely touched the food given and in all that time both men barely exchanged a word. Just a few comments and lame tries to busy their minds with other stuff. 
 

Too much to think, nothing to do.
 

The information received and finally released kept ringing over and over again in his mind. Even if their conversation - or report - had been short, SungGyu felt tired and uneasy. Not even their comeback made him feel that way. Nothing had ever made him feel so different and uncomfortable. Without knowing what to do. 
 

What was next?
 

"Do you want to go home tonight?" JungYeop suddenly said catching the young man’s eyes. "JungRyul could pick you up tomorrow morning to get you to the hospital."

 

Home. 

 

"No, Hyung," SungGyu answered after a while. "I'll stay at the dorm."

 

"You sure?"

 

"You just told me we shouldn't precipitate," SungGyu lowered his voice proving he wasn't so sure about his own words. He knew they were the right ones though that didn’t mean they were the ones he wanted to say.

 

"This is not precipitating though," JungYeop sighed as he stood up to reach for SungGyu. His orbs eyed carefully the young boy that he had seen grow into a man. "Then go back to the dorms, sleep early and don't eat anything before the analysis."

 

The idol nodded before they stood up too. "Yes, Hyung."
 

"And SungGyu," JungYeop held his arm with a strange force. His serious gaze diving into the idol’s eyes. "Lets keep this to ourselves for now. Let’s not precipitate."
 

It took him a moment to understand the petition.

 

Was he even planning on sharing this news? Just the idea had never crossed his mind. Call it his independent self or the fact that he had grown like that, but doing that just never came to his thoughts. It just made him anxious.

 

And why would he tell this to someone when he wasn't even able to understand, let alone accept, this diagnostic?

 

If he were to share it, what should he say to his parents?  What would they think about him? And what about his sister and brother in law?

 

..what about Infinite?

 

Yes, from the very beginning, Lee JungYeop's request had been directed to the media and his band members.

 

Things in the entertainment industry were a riot at the moment, all thanks to SungYeol’s never ending scandal. Throwing fuel to the fire wasn’t a smart move. Fuel that might actually be nothing.  Key word, might.

 

Why when things were getting so troublesome something like this had to happen to him? Why when SungGyu hadn't fixed things with the members did he had to get sick? When he hadn't help SungYeol open up and fight for his righteousness? Why when their comeback was in a difficult situation? He wanted to carry on, SungGyu wanted to fight but right then things seemed unreachable.

 

SungGyu coughed dryly as he tried to calm his mind. Geonam gave him a questioning look before he turned back his attention to the road. The light had turned green.
 

 

The way back to the dorm was a silent one. His ears heard nothing until the brusque sound from the entrance door filled the empty living room. There was no one in there. Not even the television was on. 
 

Maybe he was feeling weak and for that getting sensible, but SungGyu couldn’t help it when he thought how he always waited for the youngers to arrive home but no one waited for him when he came back. While he welcomed, no one gave him even a nod of recognition. He had said it before in an old interview, that because he’s the leader, people think he will do fine by himself.

 

That’s the biggest lie in his life. 
 

"Stop it," he had to speak to himself to actually hold his useless thoughts.

 

In a way it was good that no one was there. He didn’t wish to place a peaceful façade when he felt like breaking something, or shouting? He didn’t even know how he felt. He just knew it wasn’t right.  

 

Hating his actual self, SungGyu went directly to his bedroom. No need to check on the others whose multiple sounds started to emanate from their closed doors as he walked by the hall - Hoya was listening to his hip-hop while DongWoo’s laugh covered the hall like a halo. It seemed they were watching ‘Friend’, again.

 

Just as he entered his bedroom, SungGyu noticed the light sound of the working air conditioner and the body on the top bunk-bed.

 

After a grimace flashed in his lips, Infinite’s leader decided to ignore the presence.

 

As if there was no one in the room, he changed his clothes before popping his iPhone out of his pocket jeans. When he saw the broken screen, the events from that day came back to his mind. Before he had felt indifferent, now he wondered why he dared to throw such expensive apparatus? He had gone a bit over the top yet there was nothing to do now. 
 

Not noticing, he sighed before placing carefully the object on the closest desk and got inside of his bed. Instantly his arms fell on his face, covering his eyes from the light and reality. 
 

He was ready to call it a day.
 

Some ruffling sound and a light click made SungGyu remove his visual barricade in the exact moment to see WooHyun getting down from the top bed.

 

Their eyes met for an instance before the younger male turned around.

 

"I missed my bed," was the only thing WooHyun said before he walked to his side of the closet. The loose striped pants got changed lazily for some yellow boxers.

 

The fact that the young singer had turned off the air conditioner having SungGyu inside the room brought a surprisingly nice sensation to the leader’s chest but he decided to suppress it. He wasn’t going to open his mouth and be thankful for the sudden act of consideration. He was just going to leave it like that for he wasn’t ready to even start a conversation with WooHyun. Not after the way he had called the younger male’s attention in the waiting room.

 

Unknowingly, he followed WooHyun with his gaze as he waltzed around their room, wondering what would he think if he heard about his sickness.

 

As he recognized that thought SungGyu opened slightly his eyes.  He got surprised to realize that kind of question had appeared in his mind. Did a small part of him actually wanted to share what was going on with him? Maybe it was the common thing to think since humans had the necessity to share their burden.  Yet it wasn’t a matter of needing or not. Their director had specifically told him to keep quiet, so SungGyu let his pride and care for Infinite make him lose that almost inexistent will to share.

 

But, if he did, what would WooHyun actually do?

 

Afraid to answer his own questions Sunggyu rolled to the wall side ready to let Morpheus get him when WooHyun's voice opened like a key his locked eyes.
 

"Tomorrow I'll have my last recording."

 

A hopeless smile appeared on his lips. Why hadn’t he see that coming? SungGyu should’ve known best. From the moment he saw the younger idol in their shared room he should’ve known what the other was up to and what was going on in his head.

 

“Don’t mess it up.”

 

If there was something SungGyu absolutely detested - envied -  about WooHyun’s personality, it wasn’t his habit of easily lying but his unabashed and convenient mind. A mind that held no sense of shame since the pride took most part of it. That’s the reason why he gave that answer. He knew those words weren’t the ones  WooHyun wanted to listen to. He wasn’t going to give in.

 

Why was it so easy for him and not for SungGyu?
 

"I hope so..."
 

At that SungGyu sighed. The way WooHyun’s voice sounded made his heart ache. When someone doesn’t give you what you want, when there’s rejection, it hurts a lot. No one wants to feel it. It wasn’t a secret WooHyun was his weak point. They were so alike. But then again, SungGyu had already made up his mind.

 

Soon the leader heard the sound of the desk chair. It’s wheels resounded over the wooden floor. Each instant closer.

 

The feeling of anger came to his brain as SungGyu mentally shouted at himself for weakening to that soft voice. Thanks to it, the panorama had turned clearer. Now SungGyu  confirmed the reason why WooHyun was there, acting as if nothing had happened that evening. One thing was acting like a man getting over things and another, completely different, was acting in such a cynic way. SungGyu knew how cynic WooHyun was but this time it had gone a bit too far. His cynicism and egocentrism were to be feared.

 

To be envied.
 

"You’ll have to buy a new one."

SungGyu blinked a few times. Not too soon he moved his face slowly to the other side. WooHyun’s clean face was really close to his. He could see the dark circles and bad condition his skin was thanks to the lack of sleep. His dull eyes were set on SungGyu’s broken iPhone. 
 

Right, he had almost forgotten.  

“It’s just the screen...” he acted in defense as WooHyun picked the apparatus to eye it better.

 

After SungGyu’s cough an uncomfortable silence fell in the room. 
 

“If you hadn’t overreacted, this wouldn’t have happened,” WooHyun murmured calmly placing the device back to where it was before. Soon his eyes were set on SungGyu’s. “You should be thankful I still got your back, even when the only thing you  do is snap at me.”
 

“Y-you got my back?” SungGyu couldn’t stop himself from repeating. 
 

Unbelievable.

 

“Yeah, you know I’m your right hand, although you’ve been pretty difficult lately,” SungGyu felt like kicking the office chair to the building’s hall.  The bothersome sensation from his throat increased by listening to the senseless words. “But I can understand it. You seem pretty stressed.”

 

“You don’t say,” SungGyu growled before covering his face again with his arms, not willing to keep their conversation. 
 

As the years had passed between them, SungGyu knew very well the fact that WooHyun not only didn’t talk about his problems. He just went to ignore them, give them to others  and if it was necessary, find a way to prove he got nothing to do with them.  
 

Everything to protect himself.
 

Why was it so easy for him and not for SungGyu?
 

“Ever since Inkigayo you’ve been pretty distant from all of us,” WooHyun sighed as he moved to take a seat on the bed. The shortened distance wasn’t exactly welcomed by SungGyu but he said nothing. “When I wanted to see what we could do for SungYeol’s new scandal you just shouted saying I only whined and... Aish, you’re the one that’s messing all up, ignoring what’s going on with the members. Unlike what you say, I am the one that’s looking after them now.”
 

“What?” SungGyu frowned as he sat on the bed. “You’re the one that’s looking after them? I though we all looked after each other. And I haven’t ignored my responsibilities as the leader.”
 

“I’m not saying you’re ignoring them but that you’re acting distant. We barely talk.”
 

“It’s not distant, I’m just not going to fix every problem you get with the members. Whatever you have against SungYeol talk it out and fix it cuz I’m not planning on doing that for you. Or for anyone.”
 

"There’s nothing to fix between SungYeol and I,"not noticing, or not wanting to notice he had problems was another of WooHyun’s specialties.
 

"So everything you’ve been doing is right?"
 

WooHyun blinked. "I do what I believe is right."
 

That was it. There was no point in talking with WooHyun. Not when he was so sure of his actions and not willing to give in. Now SungGyu managed to connect everything, to realize that not only WooHyun wasn’t going to accept his problems with SungYeol but that he wasn’t going to accept the wrong actions he had against him. WooHyun was just going to ignore how much he had hurt his leader.  It wasn’t fair. That attitude had never been so troublesome. SungGyu should’ve changed it before instead of feeding it. But why was he the responsible one?
 

Giving his back to WooHyun as he laid back on the bed was the best way SungGyu could show him how he had given up on him.
 

"Hyung!"
 

This time SungGyu didn’t turn around yet oblivious WooHyun let his hands reach for his torso before he started to shake him.
 

"Hyung," the soft voice made the older male frown.
 

"Giving me your back in Inkigayo was right? Making me look like a fool was right? Stabbing me, jumping my authority, ridiculing me in public was right? Tell me please if you think that was right and that I’m actually overreacting," as SungGyu spoke he felt WooHyun moving over him, the warmth he emanated made SungGyu nauseous, the constant touch on his torso made him shiver.
 

Their eyes connected and SungGyu felt the sensation in his throat duplicate with it the memories of his sickness.
 

This was too much.
 

"Hyung?" the question didn’t come from the older male’s words but from the sudden pale colour his face had gotten. His eyes got blurred.
 

"Won’t you tell me?"
 

Even though they were so close he could barely see the hesitant look on the other’s face.
 

"I think you’re stressed."
 

"Answer me."
 

"I..." WooHyun looked to the side. His breath caressing SungGyu’s cheek. "Maybe I miscalculated my actions a bit..."
 

The embarrassment and the shyness of WooHyun’s murmur hadn’t been enough for SungGyu.  WooHyun was too proud to unveil his eyes to make others feel better.  To help SungGyu.
 

How foolish had he been.
 

"Just leave," SungGyu said softly as he gave WooHyun his back again. The contact was gone.
 

So that’s the actual way someone feels when he’s disappointed. When you don’t even want to shout or make the other react. When you just can’t help but look at the other and see all your faith and care fall by his side. Who would’ve thought the disappointed person could feel so down?
 

After a while the sound of the door closing and the coldness from the sheets invaded the room.

 

 

Ranting Zone,

So, anyone still following?

How are you guys?! Too many things had happened to me in this two months that I've been apart from you. I know I said three months but seeing there was people still subscribing (We reached 400+ yay!! Thank you!!), commenting and so on I just missed you and when I found out I could actually use Google Docs in my phone.. and when I found out there was internet at my newest place here in Québec, well.. oh, oh! Let me tell you, the chapter here's not complete! At all! I had to actually cut it. I got too excited writing I think I over did it a bit.. 

Now, we kinda know what's going on with SungGyu, let's not worry or precipitate like JungYeop tells us. Let me say that I actually love and not fully understand the conversation WooHyun and SungGyu have, there's too much going on in SungGyu's mind and what he feels. Also we now see better WooHyun's mind. They are not only talking about their relationship but everyone. As I keep saying, everything is connected! I feel a bit sad about WooHyun in here you know? Also, I hope now people see our dearest CEO in another light. I said he wasn't mean, he just cares about his company. For those that are sad about the lack of members in this chapter, don't worry I already wrote about them! Did you like the drama so far? I must say both conversation got me almost crying, they were so difficulyt to write, I swear I re-wrote them like three times plus all the thinking in the shower, bus, meals, bed.. but I'm happy with the result so I'm not complaining.

By the way, does anyone actually read my ranting zone or is it being completely ignored like the little letters from the cereal boxes?

My precious readers, I’m really happy to be able to give you another nice and long chapter! I'll excuse myself for I won't be able to update as quick as before since I'm doing everything on the phone and I spend too much time studing french and at the conservatory. Also excuse my grammar, I know it got worse, blame it on the french..

à la prochaine,

 Vico