CHAPTER SIXTEEN:Differences

"Are you all tired, or what?"

There had been something wrong with them. Not only he sensed it but he also saw it perfectly on the mirror’s reflection.

After all those years they had spent together practicing SungGyu was able to notice right away when there was some lacking in the group, whether it was while dancing or while doing an interview. That evening had been one of those times and he, as Infinite’s leader, couldn’t accept it. So while they were dancing the second chorus SungGyu walked away from the other five members. As they caught sight of that their movements started to be softer but they never stopped. At least until Speechless was abruptly turned off.

The expression that coloured SungGyu’s face made it completely clear that he wasn’t playing around. And why would he? When they were not even a week away from their comeback. The strong stare the leader’s eyes held made them stop their awkward complains. WooHyun simply rose his eyebrows expecting him to explain why his sudden actions.

“Are you tired, DongWoo?” The leader’s voice wasn’t a caring one.

Some eyes met with other questioning ones while some others, guilty ones, decided to look at anything but SungGyu.

“No, Hyung,” The rapper answered with a soft voice, his eyes meeting the cold stare of the oldest male.

“What about you, SungJong? Why are your movements so weak?” SungGyu kept asking individually. “And you WooHyun? Same thing goes for you.”

“Sorry,” WooHyun murmured knowing there was no use in lying saying he wasn’t tired. He knew SungGyu was well aware of his condition. WooHyun had accepted acting in a drama when he knew Infinite was close to doing the comeback. He had to be responsible of his choices and SungGyu was always ready to remind him that.

“SungJong?”

For a few seconds the leader and the maknae’s eyes met before they lost contact. SungGyu didn’t know what it was but surely the youngster was trying to say something. Hiding his feelings wasn’t something the maknae did. For that they had MyungSoo.

“No,” SungJong finally said not daring to look at their leader before he added. “It’s not that I’m tired.”

“Then? Tell me so we can fix it quick and move on because this attitude of yours it’s making me lose my focus. And that includes you all.”

There was no answer to the strong voice.

With a sigh the leader turned around. “If it’s nothing then—”

“Why are you like this?”

SungGyu stopped his hands from pressing the play button before turning to look at the owner of that voice. DongWoo. The tone the rapper had used wasn’t his usual calm one.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean,” the slightly younger male scratched his neck before he walked closer to SungGyu. The calm aura he used to have changed into a heavier one. “How can you, our leader, be like this knowing SungYeol isn’t going to do the comeback with us?”

The question surprised him a bit.

“I thought I had explained you the reasons the other day with SungYeol.”

“You just told us what the CEO ordered,” DongWoo insisted with a soft frown on his forehead and a pretty serious expression. “But what do you think about this? Is it even fair or correct for the group?”

“It doesn’t matter what I say or think.”

DongWoo raised his eyebrows with an unamused expression. “So if someday one of us is kicked out too you’ll do nothing about it and simply act as the CEO says? That doesn't really make us feel safe.”  

“DongWoo.”

The younger members were carefully looking at them. It wasn’t common for DongWoo to act like that. It wasn’t usual to see him being against SungGyu’s words or for him to push the oldest member in such a way. Usually he understood the reasons behind the leader’s actions, just like WooHyun he always supported him but when he found them wrong DongWoo had no other choice but to speak up. It was his duty.

It was true that SungGyu had explained everything that they needed to know about the matter involving SungYeol. He had explained them the future plans the CEO had for SungYeol and how things were going to move from then on. At first they were truly happy knowing the choding was safe from leaving Infinite but the days passed and they all started to wonder about doing to comeback without him, that and plenty of other things. Now it wasn’t weird for them to be quieter at the dorms. Their thoughts and minds were completely focused in just two things, the D-date and SungYeol. DongWoo had been the quietest of the seven and now he was showing the reason why. DongWoo was not only worried about their future comeback as six but he was actually questioning SungGyu’s leadership.

SungGyu couldn’t blame him for he had thought about that too every single night. He had always wanted to fight and find a way, to do something for the younger members but this time Lee JungYeop was right. Even if SungGyu did his best there was no way he was going to change things. It was beyond his power. The only thing he had left to do was to follow the orders given and get everyone ready for SungYeol’s return, to keep the group strong. Unfortunately, SungGyu was failing miserably.

“Seriously, SungGyu. Where’s Infinite? I just see six dudes dancing together.” DongWoo repeated the same words the leader had used before. WooHyun frowned noticing the uncomfortable expression painted on SungGyu.

“Well, that’s true,” Hoya murmured without even realising before the maknae spoke up.

“We don’t feel complete, Hyung.”

“Guys, it’ll be just for a while. SungYeol’s still part of Infinite,” WooHyun said with a half smile trying to help the now silent leader. “Things are complicated and there’s nothing SungGyu-hyung can do about that but he’s waiting too for Yeol.”

“He didn’t even try to do something for him,” DongWoo said looking at their leader who couldn’t really answer to that. His words kept making SungGyu doubt his position in the group.

The tension in the dance studio rose every time DongWoo commented directly on SungGyu’s actions. Everyone was tensing and feeling uncomfortable. The façade in the group was finally breaking and their real feelings were starting to show.

“Because there’s no use,” L’s monotone voice sounded suddenly calling the attention of most of the members. “We just have to do our job, DongWoo.”

DongWoo raised his eyebrows. “You’re gonna leave SungYeol and go on stage alone?”

“We’ve done it before, and it’s not that weird that a group goes on stage without a member or two.” MyungSoo shrugged before leaning on a mirror close to HoWon. His unwavering eyes met the mirthless ones of DongWoo.

“But that’s completely different, Hyung,” SungJong said aloud.

“It’s not,” Hoya supported L’s words. “It’s work and that’s how things are right now. And if you want to blame someone for SungYeol not being able to do the comeback with us then blame him.”

WooHyun rolled his eyes. “Again blaming SungYeol.”

“What? He’s not at fault!” SungJong couldn’t believe HoWon’s words.

“Blaming someone for this is stupid, Hoya,” SungGyu tried to keep calm the boys and gain some of his power.

“But they’re blaming you right now, Hyung,” The dancer stated getting a grimace from the leader.

“That’s not—” SungJong stopped his words when he saw the cold way L was looking at him.

“All this is stupid,” DongWoo said louder. “It’s stupid going to Inkigayo without SungYeol. Even promoting sounds absurd when we aren’t together. We have to wait for him!”

“No. We can’t. The fixed track is done. The lines were changed. The choreography too,” SungGyu’s voice came louder. He was getting stressed thanks to everyone’s loud voices. He just wanted everyone to understand. “It’s just for a while. Why do you think we’ve practicing the original dance with SungYeol?!”

DongWoo groaned. “That’s not the point, SungGyu.”

“What’s your point then?” His voice sounded a bit desperate.

“SungYeol’s absence! That’s the—”

“Dammit! It’s just. For. A while. Can’t you get that? We aren’t kicking Yeol out,” MyungSoo’s true colours were appearing. DongWoo was indirectly provoking him.

“Kim MyungSoo.”

“What?! DongWoo is making this more complicated.” L looked at their leader with an indignant look before he turned around to look at the other member.

“I’m making you see what you’re all trying to ignore.”

“Unbelievable,” WooHyun snorted. His eyes weren’t laughing.

MyungSoo hissed. “Just let it go.”

“But we just can’t ignore this,” SungJong whined walking to where L was. “Why can’t you understand it’s hard for us to go without him?”

“So what do you want us to do? Are we all gonna be in a bad humour all depressed and everything up because of this? That’s a smart move, SungJong,” MyungSoo stood up just to get shouted at.

“I didn’t say that!”

“Both of you, calm down,” Hoya said pulling strongly the younger boys’ arms to keep them apart. The younger members couldn’t control the hateful looks they gave to the older male when his hands touched them.

“L. You know we don’t want that,” WooHyun said calmly before sighing.

Infinite was confused. They all had different thoughts and wanted things to go in the correct direction. The only thing was that they didn’t know which one was exactly the right one. Some wanted to pull while others wanted to push making it impossible to reach an agreement.

“Look at us. Do you really want to do the comeback this Sunday?” DongWoo had a grimace on his face. “This is not going to work and you are the one that knows this the most.” 

With that DongWoo walked away from the dance studio. He didn’t even turn around.

“DongWoo. Yah! Come back!” SungGyu shouted but it didn’t work. “Aish!”

He had believed things were going to turn right. For a moment SungGyu thought the bad things had ended, but they obviously didn’t. They were just starting and he wasn’t doing a great job to fix them.

“I’ll look for him,” Hoya said to the leader trying to help the leader who’s strong aura was starting to shatter.

“Just be careful with his fist. They really hurt,” WooHyun said getting an incredulous look from the younger member. With that HoWon left the practice room.

“WooHyun, not now.”

SungGyu sighed before he rubbed his face in stress.  In the mirror’s reflection he could see how tired his eyes looked. In it he could also see how the fake smile WooHyun had was disappearing and the worried look SungJong was holding. MyungSoo’s face finally expressed something. Anger.

“Why Hyung?” SungJong murmured after a while. ”Why can’t we just do it together?”

The maknae sat on the floor with his head down. Completely tired of the talk and the drowning sensation that covered the room.

“I just said why SungJong,” SungGyu’s voice didn’t sound strong. He sounded tired and frustrated. This took by surprise the other three young men.

“It’s not your fault, Hyung,” WooHyun tried to cheer him up but the leader just shook his head. A hand went up to his shoulder.

“Hyung…”

The small voice that belonged to SungJong disappeared when the silence took over. None of the four looked at the others. They were just there with their minds in blank.

“You know?” L murmured. “Even if I do as the CEO says that doesn’t mean I’m happy with this. I’m not.”

When he said that SungJong’s eyes opened wide in shame and pity. SungGyu could only smile sourly at the younger boy’s words. He couldn’t have say it better. 

“I guess this is it for today.”

The leader said instantly noticing the desperate looks the boys were giving him. It was as if they were hopping for him to fix their feelings. The emotions they were experimenting. As if they wanted to get some comforting words for SungGyu. For what? He didn’t know. Maybe he was just imagining the others’ thoughts and he wasn’t that eager to know if he was right. SungGyu just wanted to be out.

 “I’ll see you at the dorms.”

With that SungGyu walked away from the members, from the harsh words that had been said, the insecurities they were feeling, the fear and the pain he had started to sense in the bottom of his heart.

For the first time in a while SungGyu wished to not be in this difficult position.

The rest of the day went silently for Infinite. At least that was what SungGyu thought. After the fight or what he liked to call, strong conversation, he had left right away to walk by some silent streets of Seoul. He wanted to calm down and think in a centred way everything that had been said in the practice room.

He understood perfectly DongWoo. SungGyu was no stranger to those feelings. The only difference was that he knew there was no way to fix it. Or did he just believe what their CEO had told him? SungGyu didn’t know now.

He thought about it way too many times. His thoughts only went in circles. SungGyu never found an answer but just more questions. When he had tried to disappear for a while to feel better he ended up getting home with a shadier sensation in his soul.

Today wasn’t his day. He just wanted it to finish and for things to fix on their own. Right now he had no strength to find a solution. He wasn’t even willing to have a talk with DongWoo. Instead of doing that, he just wanted to take a shower and go straight to bed to sleep away those feelings. So that’s what he did. Maybe tomorrow was going to be different from that awful day. At least that was what he had hoped. That was until something woke him up.

It took him a while to understand the reason why he had been awakened in the middle of the night. It wasn’t because of the cool sensation that haunted his uncovered legs or the half dry hair that felt colder with the air that came from the AC WooHyun left. It was something else. It had happened to him a few times before that year but it had never been that strong. The burning sensation in his throat was the reason for his awakening. The pain made it hard for him to breath. Even passing some saliva made SungGyu close tight his eyes in pain.

Two days ago he had gone to the hospital just like the CEO had instructed him. After been checked the doctor told SungGyu it was just some spring flu and that his sore throat was part of his overwork but that was it. He ended up with a prescription of three different medicines not before he got a shot. After all those things SungGyu believed he was going to be better, and he felt that way so why was he suddenly experiencing that? Was it because of the loud voice he used that evening in the dance studio?

Slowly, as if all his body was in pain, he rolled to the wall side and curled his body in hopes to get back to sleep. It never happened.

Unconsciously SungGyu brought his hands up to his neck, gently touching it as if trying to calm down the pain. The feeling of despair was starting to grow in his mind.  His patience was gone with the irritation on his throat. SungGyu couldn’t stay in his bed and simply wait. He had to somehow heal himself quick so he moved slowly out of the mattress. Between his worried and slightly scared thoughts he managed to control himself. His movements were careful because he didn’t want to wake WooHyun up. Still, his hands were trembling.

When he noticed that his roommate was perfectly asleep, SungGyu started to search for his painkillers. It took him some moments to remember where he left it. His head was blurry.

He didn’t like it. Not one bit. Sensing that pain. Knowing they were a few days away of their comeback. SungGyu could barely keep himself straight. But he had to. Freaking out wasn’t going to help him.

Making some noise – thanks to his trembling fingers – he fished a glass from the dish drainer and poured some water on it. When he was about to do take his medicine SungGyu stopped in his tracks. The simple idea of swallowing the pill and water made his throat hurt more. He knew it was going to be painful but he was sure the medicine was going to calm it so he stopped thinking about it and drank.

Just as he thought, the cold liquid burnt his throat in the process. 

A cough appeared from his mouth bringing more pain to SungGyu who managed to leave the glass before his hands went back to his neck. The young male dropped himself on the cold kitchen floor. His legs close to his chest as he curled into a small ball. SungGyu didn’t want to move from there. He was just waiting for the medicine to sort effect, for him to feel better.

Why him? Why were things getting worse in his life? Weren’t the problems they had in Infinite enough? Why was his throat getting like that? This just wasn’t fair.

Since the pain wasn’t going away the sudden urge to call someone came to his mind. But just as the thought came it disappeared. How could he tell someone about it? They could get worried and he didn’t want to bring more problems into the members' already messed up minds. That fight in the evening had been enough for the day. Maybe his parents? No. Even calling his mother wasn’t a good idea. Worrying her more than she already was about him wasn’t a thing he wanted to do. And the woman wasn’t going to be able to do a thing.

As he was sitting there, SungGyu could only remember his thoughts and worries from the day. Was this a divine punishment for his lacking as a leader? No. He couldn’t think like that. This was something completely apart from that. SungGyu just wanted to get over it. He just wondered if he was going to get better soon. It was his throat after all. His voice. What made him an Idol and what he needed for their comeback. The worries kept incrementing as he thought if this could actually damage their comeback. The comeback of six and not seven…

Why was this happening to him right now?

Why?

Everything, from everywhere, was crumbling down and he had no right to ask for help.

“It’s nothing, SungGyu... you can handle it,” He murmured to himself as he closed his eyes again in pain all the time wondering why he couldn’t believe his own words.