As soon as Dara-ahjumma left my apartment, I heaved a sigh of relief. PEACE at last! It feels like centuries have passed when I last experienced this kind of tranquility!
Call me a jerk but man, I am so glad I finally got rid of her! She's just a bundle or weirdness! I was drinking my coffee when she suddenly sprung out of the couch and started spinning like crazy and making weird faces. My initial thought was 'what in the world is she doing?' Did she totally snapped and went to planet ping-pong?
Then when she was eating, I swear beggars will pale at how she shoves everything in ! She swooped half of the table within the pits of her stomach in just a blink of an eye. Seriously, when was her last meal? Last month? Coz she sure eats like she's been starving for a whole month! And when she chew her food, ugh! Juices are oozing out!!! Gwarrkk!!
I grabbed the disinfectant and started spraying frantically on all corners of my apartment. I particulary sprayed on all the places she has been. I was pondering the idea of throwing out the couch and getting a new one but decided against it. There are couch covers anyway so I'm safe of any infectious disease she might be carrying.
I sure hope I won't be able to meet her again. They said when you encounter someone three times, that person will be a part of your life. Please NOOOOO!!! We had two encounters already! Please don't let there be a third!
No no no No NOOOO!!! I was screaming this on my head when I entered the shower. If I have to defy fate, I will! I'll push mountains, cross the ocean and what have you just don't make me see her AGAIN! EVER!
GD went to YG Entertainment Building. The other Big Bang members are already there. They have to practice for the upcoming Chuseok event and they also have to prepare for their new MV. He opened the door to their rehearsal room and was welcomed by the boys' cheerful greetings.
GD: Ahhh!! Normal world without Dara-ahjumma!
Big Bang began their rehearsals eventhough they were wondering why Shaun Evaristo isn't there yet. Teddy and Yang Hyun Suk, the YG President, entered the room when they were having a break. They all greeted the two.
YG: Shaun Evaristo will be flying here tomorrow. There was just a slight problem because of hotel reservations. Apparently, almost all hotels and hostels in Seoul are booked due to the upcoming holidays. There are a lot of tourists this month. We still managed to squeeze Shaun's reservation on one of the hotels, though. Anyway, just resume your usual practice agenda and when he gets here, he'll be able to teach you the choreo for the MV.
Teddy: Yeah well, this month is pretty crazy for me too. I've been searching for a new apartment but I still haven't found any! I would even settle for a studio type room but nothing's available. Yah, TOP, need a roommate?
TOP: Do you know how to cook?
TOP: Then, NO. <*walks away>
Teddy: <*angrily turns to YG> Make him dance in the next MV or I'm gonna do a cheesy song for Big Bang!
YG and Teddy left the room while the rest continued chatting. GD was lost in his own thoughts. If the hotels and apartments are packed, then where will Dara-ahjumma stay? Was she able to get help from anyone? He clearly heard the landlady say that she doesn't mingle much and doesn't have friends.
GD shook his head. No, he won't associate himself with Dara-ahjumma again! She's just trouble. TROUBLE!
GD didn't realize he unconsciously grabbed Seungri and was shaking the poor maknae like a voodoo doll. All eyes are riveted to him. He immediately let go of Seungri while the latter is looking at him as if he has gone insane. Well, actually, everybody is looking at him as if he has lost his mind.
GD: I knew it! Dara-ahjumma's idiotness is contagious! Dammit!
YB: You okay, man?
GD: Yeah, well...Say, do you know how to switch off your conscience?
YB: Huh?? Are you sure you're OKAY?
GD didn't answer. He just stared blankly at nothing in particular.
YB: Omo, did you do something stupid?
GD: NooO <*defensive>.. I'm just a little out of whack right now coz I met the most annoying girl this morning.
TOP: <*smirk> Be careful Jiyong, the annoying things are the one that stick out and leaves an impression. You might find yourself thinking of her more and more.
GD: Don't you threaten me!!
TOP just laughed at him. TOP is supposed to be the quiet one! When did he become so annoying??? GD realized there might be a need for him to round up a team of exorcists to fend off the evil Dara-ahjumma spirit that is haunting him.
Soooo, where do I go???????
It's already getting dark and I don't want another incident like last night. I won't be as lucky the second time.
Ah! I can go to Itaewon Hiphop Bar (the bar where I work as I waitress) and sneak in our locker room. I can sleep there for the meantime! I walked to the nearest station and took the subway going to Itaewon. When I arrived at my stop, I took Exit 4 and walked at Itaewon Market. The bar is at the end of this long stretch.
I'm a genius! A genius indeed, ha! I can overcome ALL problems, bring 'em on!
The heavens might have heard my challenge because as soon as I said that, a new catastrophe was thrown at my disaster-tormented body. I saw a black duffle bag being hurled at my surprised face. It was one of those rare moments when my reflexes are pretty quick so I was able to catch it. I tried to run after the guy who threw this at me but he just ignored me. What the hell? I still ran after him when I realized two policemen are behind us asking us to stop. Okay, now I'm really scared. That's when the guy doubled his pace and ran in full speed. I took a peek at the bag and as soon as I saw what's inside, I knew I have to run far and fast to avoid being sent home in a coffin. FcKKKK!!!!!
I'm pretty sure the two policemen behind me wouldn't be so accomodating to talk things out over a cup of coffee. They're now chasing me! HOOOLLyyy Crap!!!!!! What's inside the duffle bag, you ask? Fcking GUNS!! OOOMMOOO!!!!!!
I run like a mad woman! My eyeglasses are already sliding at the side of my face and I can hear my oxygen-deprived lungs screaming but I don't care! If the policemen catch me, I'm as good as dead meat! These guns are surely smuggled by the underground gang and even if that rotten ba$tard who threw this at me is caught, he'll just make me his escapegoat. WHY?! WHY ME??!!! What the hell did I do in my previous life to deserve this???!! WAAAAHHH!!!!
I sprinted like a puma on the wilderness, I never knew I can run so fast. Everything around me seems to be a blur as I zoomed past the bewildered faces of the bystanders.
I was scared sh!tless!!! At this rate, I think I can outran the fastest horse there is.
Am I dead? Coz I think I heard someone calling me amidst all the chaos. I'm pretty sure I'm not coz I'm still freaking running!!!!!!
This is creepy. Is hallucination the first sign of impending death?
That's the last sound I heard before I found myself lying facedown on the street cement. Apparently, somebody threw a shoe at me. When I looked up, I saw the policemen just a few steps away from me. I immediately got up and was about to resume my running frenzy when somebody grabbed my shoulders. It seems that he's telling me something but all I hear is my heart which is about to pop out of my ribcage. The police caught up and I cowered behind the stranger's back, ready to cry.
What's odd is that the police just stopped for a few moments as the stranger grabbed the duffle bag from my grip and handed it to them, then the police chased the culprit again.
"Yah, it's me!! Will you snap out of it?! Jeez, you're so stupid!!!", I heard him say. I looked at him in amazement then I started bawling like a pre-school kid who doesn't want to go to school. I sat on the street while howling like a pig being butchered. I could fcking care less if people are looking weirdly at me!
Is this some kind of divine joke?
I looked at Dara-ahjumma who is seated on the cement, kicking her legs like a kid while crying her eyes out. I hurriedly searched for my shoe that I threw at her a while ago to stop her from running.
Why am I always around when she gets in trouble??? I was in a store buying some stuff that I could give to Shaun when I saw her walking outside like some kind of alien in a foreign planet. She's lost in her La-la-land again. Then I saw everything that happened. When she started running after the guy who threw the bag, I almost wanna follow her just to kick her a$s for being so moronic!!! Then I saw the police chasing them.
I could've just minded my own business and let her rot in prison but......ARRrrghhhH!!! Why do I always have to do the right thing? Luckily those police believed what I told them when I chased after them and explained the situation. Well, they were actually unconvinced until I showed them my face and that immediately strengthens my credibility.
Back to the problem at hand, can anyone tell me what the heck should I do to stop a twenty-something lady who is bawling wildly on the street? Except strangling her, of course, because that's what I plan to do later once there are no witnesses.
Her howling is dominating the noise in Itaewon. I looked around and a crowd is starting to form around us.
"We get it, you're miserable! Now, can you please stop. This is embarrassing! Oh Gahd!", I hissed at her but apparently, it didn't register at her thick skull.
'PLOPPPP!!!' That's the sound of my patience that exceeds its threshold, ladies and gentleman. That's it, I'm outta here!! As I was about to leave, the crowd started murmuring while looking at me reprimandingly. Hey, hey, hey! I'm supposed to be the hero here! I don't deserve those kind of stares! I should've been given an award and all that sh!t for putting up with that moron over there who's still making a scene!
"Yah, why are you leaving your girl behind??", one of the bystanders who is a big fat dimwit with a zit shaped like the map of Japan told me. MY GIRL???!!! Is he on drugs??! Fcking as$hole! This is getting extremely annoying! Now, I'm the bad guy?
The others voiced their agreement and they all came up with this unanimous decision that I'm being a jerk. GREAT! This is what I need for saving her from a possible imprisonment!
I marched back to where Dara-ahjumma is. By the way, she's still sprawled on the street in case you're wondering - and her HOWLING is getting louder and louder! For the love of all that's holy, somebody please lend me some sanity coz I so wanna rip her voicebox right this instant!
I grabbed her arm and urged her to stand up but she wouldn't listen to me. Kwon Jiyong, please don't snap, please don't snap! I repeated this mantra to prevent myself from b!tch slapping her back to her senses!
I scooped her up and just carried her on my arms much to the delight of the onlookers. Good thing nobody recognizes me since I'm wearing my hood and mask. As soon as I reached my car, I hurled her at the backseat like a rag doll and I saw her rolling over the floor before I closed the door. HmppPH! Serves her right for dragging me into this horrible situation!
I started the car and drove back to my apartment. Thank goodness the howling has stopped! I'm on the verge of insanity because of her!
I parked the car and was about to go towards the elevator when I realized she's still inside. What the....GRRRRRRRR....I went back to the car and looked at her. She stared back at me as if I'm some kind of a divine apparition. I'm half-expecting her to kneel in front of me and touch my miraculous hands.
"GET OFF!", I shouted. That burst her dream bubble and she started following me. As soon as we arrived at my apartment, I threw myself at the couch lazily. I'm soooo exhausted!! Man, whenever she's around I felt like I just came off a Big Bang concert!
"YAHH!", I screamed at.... Where the hell is she??? She was just behind me a while ago!
I opened the door and voila, she's standing in front of my door like a freaking nutcase straight out of the asylum - her arms frozen on her side, eyeglasses hanging diagonally at her face instead of being tucked in her ears, and her odd clothes draped awkwardly on her thin body. She looked at me with bewildered eyes and asked me, "Can I really come in?"
Oh Sweet Mother F....
"No you really can not! What kind of question is that??!", I said. I'm pretty sure I've put enough sarcastic flavor on that statement but apparently, she didn't get it!!! When I turned around again, she IS STILL standing outside.
I am gonna pound this girl to pieces!!!!!!! I just motioned her to come in coz I'm absolutely positive if I open my mouth, any words that will come out will just be punctuated with obscenities.
She just took 3 steps forward. Well, at least she's technically inside now. I motioned her to sit at the couch and she did. Good, so far this is working. At least she knew how to comply.
I crossed my arms and looked down at her. This is our third encounter, the curse that she cast upon me is complete. Should I really help this total stranger? If I ask her to leave, there is no doubt she'll gonna end up in another catastrophe yet again. She has proven that a lot of times already! Oh well, I pretty much spend my time out of my apartment anyways so what the heck. As long as she won't set the whole apartment on fire then I think I could live with a few broken personal stuffs (since she's undoubtedly a walking disaster, I can predict that broken stuffs will be inevitable).
"You can stay here at my apartment until you find your own place," I said. That really grabbed her attention. gaped open as she clasped both of her hands and her eyes are twinkling while she stared at me as if I'm an angel sent from above. She really does remind me of a puppy.
"Really?? Omo omo!! Thank you so so much!! I'm really in a bind right now coz I don't know anyone here in Seoul except for my friend who's currently in America!!", she delightfully said.
"Then ask her help once she get back. By the way, when is she coming back?", I asked.
"I'm not sure myself. Her parents followed her there because her unnie gave birth. I am hoping she'll come back in a few weeks...," she said while she cowers at the corner of the couch fearing for her life as soon as she saw my reaction after the phrase in a few weeks.
IN A FEW WEEKS????!! That's synonymous to decades if I'll be stuck with Dara-ahjumma! I was originally thinking she'll just stay here for a few days! WTF!! Fine, I'll probably just search for an apartment for her over the net during my free time and I'll even pay for it just to shorten the torture of living with her.
I asked her to sleep in my room and I'll just sleep on my couch. See? I'm a good guy! She strongly declined. That's when I decided to formulate the ground rules for our living setup.
"Listen carefully. I am allowing you to live here for one and ONLY ONE unbreakable rule, you have to follow EVERYTHING that I tell you. As long as you are under my roof, when I tell you to jump then you will jump. When I tell you to cry, you will cry. When I tell you to shut up, you SHUT UP!!! Got it?", I firmly said. She nodded her head like an obedient little child.
"Jump!", I shouted. She quickly stood up and jumped.
Good, I'm glad she finally understood the chain of command around here.
"Are there any questions??", I asked. Imagine my surprise when she immediately raised her hand like a student wanting the teacher to call her for recitation.
Does she even realize how much of an idiot she is?? She just have to ask, you know! What's the use of raising her hand when there are only the two of us here. Just to amuse myself, I stretched my neck and looked around as if I'm trying to find other non-existent students who are also raising their non-existent hands. As I looked at her left, she also arched her body sideways to her left and waved her hands to grab my attention. I looked at her right and she did the same, eagerly wiggling her fingers for added effect. Oh Gahd! Will I really be able to stand her?
"Why are you raising your hand for??? Just say it!", I finally snapped.
"Well..uhmm...I just wanna ask, what if you know...you want my body? Coz I am NOT gonna give you my body!!!", she said while hugging herself in a futile attempt to protect her BODY.
She's a freaking retard!!!
"You just killed ten of my brain cells with that question of yours. Just go inside the room and sleep.", I lazily said. My energy is depleting, I just wanna lie down and end this useless conversation.
"Mr. Jiyong, I'm really thankful for your kindness but....Don't you dare try anything stupid, I know karate!", she said. Then she started showing me these kung fu moves. Spell with me people, I-D-I-O-T.
Is she even in touch with the reality? Can someone please enlighten her that even a 4-year-old wouldn't believe her? While you're at it, please tell this ahjumma that she smells like a carpenter. Thank You very much.