You probably figured this out but just to make things clear...JIYONG IS GOING TO BUTCHER ME!!!!!!! (Dear Jiyong, please let it be a quick death.)
I was excited with my new mobile phone that's why when I heard something ring, I immediately answered it! It was too late when I realized it was Jiyong's landline phone that was ringing and I answered it! The moment I heard the voice from the other side of the line, I immediately know it was EYESHADOW MAN!!! WAAAAHHHHH!!!! Of all the people!!!
So here we are in this messy situation where I have to hide in the bathroom. I feel like I'm in a crime movie. Any moment, eyeshadow man will figure out where I'm hiding, and the rest of his crew will say 'KILL!!! KILL!!!', and I will scream my lungs out and he'll silence me with two shots from his gun and my body will recoil twice and I will eventually lie lifeless on the freaking bathtub while Jiyong is in the sideline watching while munching popcorn. UGH! What a cruel life it is!
Okay now I'm bored. What's taking them so long to get out of here?
I swear I'm about to cry from boredom. Are they still here? I can't hear anything. And I really gotta pee!!!!!
Well since I'm in the bathroom, I might as well pee. I'll just make sure I won't create any sound.
I was doing my thing when I suddenly heard someone burst open the bedroom door!! OMYGASHHH!!!! Are they here? Are they here? They're here!! Otokae!!!
In panic, I flushed the toilet, jumped back to the bathtub and closed the shower curtain! When the flushing sound from the toilet registered on my brain cells, it was too late....FCK!!!!!!!!!!! What the hell did I do?!!
I can now hear the commotion building up on the other side of the door. Suddenly, footsteps are nearing the bathroom coupled with Jiyong's panicked voice. Holy sh!t!!
"Hey guys, come on!! The toilet in that bathroom is broken, that's why I'm not using it anymore! I use the one at the kitchen", Jiyong screamed to the other people outside.
"Somebody's there! I knew it!", a voice (probably one of s) said.
Suddenly, someone is trying to open the bathroom door!!! OTOKAE!! I gotta help Jiyong! I gotta do something! SOMETHING!!! I silently got out of the bathtub and searched for anything that might help. If push comes to shove, I will fcking hit the head of anyone who tries to get in here until he lay unconscious! My eyes caught the toilet pump with a wooden handle. I quickly grabbed it and assumed a position for offense.
The commotion outside is getting louder. I'm getting very anxious as I hold the toilet pump over my head. I swear, I will knock whoever opens the door cold.
The door opens and I prepared to swing my lethal weapon. The first person entered the bathroom and saw me about to knock him dead, it was EYESHADOW MAN!!! It was probably due to fear of being found out, or due to frustration, but the next thing I knew, I was releasing the most deadly fart that can blow up Hiroshima!
- said Dara's fart. Dang! It's an energy-sapping fart sound. It was like a fcking nuclear weapon was detonated!
It's just not the sound, but the AWFUL awful smell that followed afterwards!!!! I cannot believe this! All of us backed away before the pungent aroma knock us dead.
"Whew!! That was one hell of a fart! I was blown away! I'm glad I'm still in one piece!", TOP hyung said. The rest of Big Bang sniggered at his remark. I glanced at Dara and judging from her looks, I can tell that she felt like lying on the floor curved on a ball. She's shrinking right now. Who wouldn't after that farting bonanza???!! Aigoooooo....
I nudged TOP hyung and glared at him to shut up. But seriously, all of us are still breathing through our mouths. The stench just hang around. What the hell did she eat?!
"<*cough> Jiyong hyung, isn't she the girl that TOP hyung found for our MV?", Daesung asked. Thank heavens for changing the subject! I was about to answer but TOP hyung interrupted me.
"Yes, she most certainly is. No wonder I can feel some Ahjumma aura in this place", hyung said. His vengeance has no limit. He still has hang ups because of what Dara did to him.
"Hyung, that's rude.", Youngbae said. I still can't find my voice up to now. I'm still too shocked. And I'm definitely in DEEP deep sh!t since Big Bang found out that I have Dara as my roommate.
"Guys, listen. I know I'm asking too much but can you please not tell Hyun Suk Hyung (YG President) about this?", I said desperately. Dara is still busy looking at the floor; unable to speak. She doesn't even dare lift her head.
Since everything is out in the open, I decided to tell my members everything - the time Dara accidentally got the wrong apartment which is apparently my apartment and when she was thrown out by the landlady and when she asked me to stay here.
As soon as I finished explaining, the two retards a.k.a. TOP Hyung and Dara started bickering.
"Jiyong, do you really believe those bullcrap she told you?? Why didn't she just ask some help with her other friends??", TOP hyung yelled as if I cannot hear him considering he is just a meter away from me.
"Were you not listening to what Jiyong said? Jiyong, this EYESHADOW man needs medication. Can someone open his skull and see if his brain is still there?", Dara retaliated. The other Big Bang members just watch in awe as the two idiotheads battle it out. They were throwing insults at each other like grade schoolers.
"Jiyong, tell her to shut up!", TOP hyung screamed.
"Which is like telling a baby not to cry", I replied.
Is one PEACEFUL DAY too much to ask?
"From now on, I am going to watch you! I know you're up to no good! I will protect Jiyong from you, I swear on my grandma's grave!!", TOP hyung exclaimed with finality. I just stared at him wearily. Protect me? From this tiny little ahjumma? Are you fcking kidding me?
"Aigoo, your grandma is probably crawling back from her grave right now to smack your as$! I should be the one protecting Jiyong from you, you nutcase!!", Dara shouted back. Oh dear heavens....
"Can you two retards SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!! ", I growled. I am so stressed right now, dammit! I just lost 10 years of my life from dealing with these two!
I gathered the Big Bang members at the living room and asked Dara to leave for the meantime. As soon as Dara left, questions started firing from the unstoppable and rapid mouths of my members. The most dominant voice belongs to TOP Hyung who is, y'know, a rapper <*sigh>. Believe me, you don't wanna be questioned by a band rapper. You are just preparing to answer and he already uttered 8 more questions.
Fortunately, all my members agreed to keep it a secret - for a price of course. Now I have a couple of songs to write for their singles in exchange of them keeping quiet about this.
"So Jiyong, can I use your bathroom? The one that's not possessed by evil spirits? ", Youngbae said with a smirk.
Now YoungBae is part of my assassination list.
Dara was walking lazily by the University Garden. Just the thought of last night's incident with Big Bang (and her infamous magnanimous fart) sends shivers through her spine because of embarrassment (yeah, tell me about it) and fear. She has been staying with GD for two weeks and eventhough she knew she needs to get a place of her own, she already grew accustomed of having GD as her roommate.
Dara sighed heavily as she walks past the benches where the students are huddled up. Suddenly....
<*SPLASHHHH> <*SPLASHHHH> <*SPLASHHHH>
Buckets of water are being thrown at her! Dara was coughing while trying to avoid the water being splashed on her direction. Her classmates are laughing as she struggled.
One of her girl classmates was pouring some more water in a pail when a voice from behind asked her for some more water to be thrown to Dara.
Classmate 1: Sure! Let me just fill this bucket.
When the girl looked up, the owner of the voice was none other than Bom and Bom's expression tells her that she's about to inflict some serious pain. Bom pulled the girl's hair and dragged her while walking towards Dara's other classmates who are still splashing water at her. She pushed the girl towards their direction, picked up a bucket of water and threw it at them together with all the buckets that she can find lying at the ground.
Dara's other classmates were about to run away but Lee Jongwan blocked them and threw buckets of water towards them too. He walked towards Dara and placed his jacket over her.
After the commotion:
Dara changed her clothes and was sitting in a bench by the school garden while Bom and Lee Jongwan are standing in front of her. Bom was really infuriated with what she found out and is contemplating on burning the whole classroom together with Dara's classmates! Damn those b!tches and ba$tards!
Bom: I can't believe this! Why did you let them get away with it!!!! DARA-YAH!!
Bom: You should've done something! Tell the professor or file a complaint on the dean's office!
Bom: You better be thankful that Lee Jongwan-ssi was able to help you out! Otherwise, what could've happened to you?
Bom: What?! Why are you just staring at me?
Dara: Dang, you...gained weight!! Holy crap look at those FLABS!
Bom: I'll hit you..I'm not kidding... You dull-witted airhead!! <*killing mode>
Dara: Hehhhh <*smiles>
Bom: Were you even listening to me?
Bom: Yup my a$s..
Bom then turned to Lee Jongwan.
Bom: Lee Jongwan-ssi, sorry to have bothered you because of this 'thing' <* points to Dara>. She's really a disaster-magnet.
Lee Jongwan: Aigoo, just call me Jongwan.
Dara: Jongwan! <*smiles> Can I have your number?
Bom: Omo, you finally got yourself a cellphone? Gimme your number.
Lee Jongwan: Bom, can I have your number too?
After the three of them exchanged numbers, Lee Jongwan left the two so they could continue their talk. Bom once again glared at Dara.
Bom: YAH! Those classmates of yours have been torturing you since I left? Why didn't you do something? Seriously! What were you thinking??
Dara: Calm down, will you?
Bom: Calm down????!!
Dara: Nothing serious happened to me so will you chill. I was able to handle them.
Bom: ARRGGHH!! Try having a conversation with this girl about a SIMPLE thing and you'll realize she doesn't have a tiny clue of what you're talking about.
Bom: What part of the situation can you NOT understand? They were bullying you and you did NOTHING!! And you call that 'being able to handle them'? You're NUTS! <*SCREAMSSS>
Dara: Ugh, my ears! Stop yelling! And don't worry about it. I told you they're just like a bunch of kids, those kinds of things that they did don't bother me at all.
In truth, Dara doesn't mind those bullies because at the end of the day, she'll go back home and Jiyong will be in their apartment and every memory of the unfortunate events that happened thus far magically disappears when she's with him. It's like a security blanket. Dara didn't realize that Jiyong has that big impact on her until now. Bom was still fuming in anger so Dara decided to change the topic.
Dara: So how was America? Do you think I'll be able to go through immigration if I went there or will I be sent back here as soon as they see me? kekekekkeke
Bom: Just say the word 'BOMB' and they won't let you set foot on that country again. EVER.
Dara: Hey, I thought you'll be gone for about a month? Why was your trip cut short?
Bom: I was really worried about you since I cannot contact you! I didn't know I'd be in the States for more than a few days and I forgot to buy you a phone before I went there.
Dara smiled while walking beside Bom.
Dara: Hey FATTY!
Bom: Yah! I'm just bloated because my body hasn't adjusted to our local time! Try calling me fatty one more time and I will...
Dara: I missed you <*smiles>
Bom stopped herself from pounding Dara. She just looked at her and shook her head while smiling. She sure knows how to pacify her temper.
Bom: Let's go to your apartment after class!
Dara: WE CAN'T!!!
Bom: Huh?? We cannot go to your apartment?
Dara: Ermmm... I mean, we can't today 'coz I still have to go to Itaewon Hiphop Bar to check my shift for the week.
Dara: I'm sorry Bom.. This is not the right time to tell you the truth.
Bom: You still work at that bar? I thought they were about to fire you when you broke their glasses?
Dara: Come on, why would they fire me for just a couple of broken glasses? Jeeezz..
Bom: Because you broke a couple of glasses EVERYDAY, you moron. Aigoo, fine. Just text me when we can hang out in your apartment. You do KNOW how to text, RIGHT???
Dara: Of course! What do you take me for?
Bom was unconvinced so she decided to test her by sending a text message to Dara while they were walking. Dara received the message. She flipped open her phone with a confused look, pushed a button and placed the cellphone on her ears..
Dara: Yeoboseyo? (Hello?)
Bom: You fool!!!!!!! <*eyes popping out of their sockets>
Thus began Bom's long day teaching Dara how to send and read a text message.
Last night, I spent one whole fcking hour to stop TOP hyung from harvesting Dara's internal organs. He is really pissed at her because of what she previously did to him. He even wanted to spend the night here to PROTECT me from Dara, my goodness!!!! He's a freaking nutcase! I already have my hands full with one crazy ahjumma, thank you very much. I don't need another one to complete my resume.
Anyway, Dara and I had a long talk last night about what happened (about my deal with my members in exchange of keeping our situation a secret) before sleeping. We were talking while the UPGRADED bed barricade is between us. The barricade was a massive collection of..damn, I dunno. I almost got killed when a gigantic encyclopedia came crashing down my face.
So tonight, I decided to tear down the bed barricade for good. I can already predict that this is going to be one hell of a night. Dara-ahjumma will surely protest. If I'm lucky, she'll show me her 'kung-fu' moves again. GAHD! Just the thought of it makes me cringe.
"I'M HOMMMMEEEEE!!!", I heard her scream as she enters the apartment. Shheezz, I think even the tenants on the next building heard her announcing her arrival. I already told her to lower her voice whenever she does that but she never listens. She even argued that noise drives away evil spirits (now you know where the 'evil spirits' idea came from <*sigh>).
"Jiyong, guess what?! I was able to get Jongwan's number!", she said.
"Jongwan? That tall bamboo stick from your school?", I answered. I'm positive she's talking about that knight in shining armour dude. I can never understand girls and their weird attachment to 'falling in love in a melodramatic way'. I mean, come on! Almost all girls want to experience those kind of scenes that are only possible if you're in a Korean Drama. You know those scenes like standing-in-the-rain-while-crying type of sh!t or running-while-the-guy-grabs-her-wrist. What the heck?! Can you just imagine how troublesome that is?
"Tall bamboo stick? He's so handsome and...perfect! And I got his number!! BOOYAH!!", she said while bouncing up and down with joy.
"How did you get his number? By threatening him with your kung fu moves?", I said while making my way towards the bedroom.
"Ha ha ha ha ha! You are soo funny. Sooo funny indeed!", she said while giggling uncontrollably. What is up with her?
We reached the bedroom and Ka-BOOm!! She realized the barricade isn't there anymore. I was observing her all the while as she slowly turns her head towards me and looked at me as if what I've done will shoot me straight to hell.
"I'll sleep in the bed, you sleep in the couch!", she declared and jumped towards the bed. SAY WHAATT???!! Whoa, seems like respect does not exist anymore. Even this little shrimp is talking back at me. This thick-faced ahjumma!! GRRRR!!
Dara was lying facedown on the bed while tightly holding the bedposts. I, on the other hand, was pulling her legs to get her out of the bed. We were in full chaos as we battle over the bed. Gahd! How old are we again?!
"Why did you remove our barricade??!!! What are you planning?! I don't WANT!!", she screamed. She doesn't want WHAT??? Dear heavens, who on their right mind will plan anything stupid with this human curtain?
Before she can come up with any more funky ideas, I grabbed her by the back-collar and carried her like a rabbit. In one swift motion, I hurled her out of the room like a frisbee.
I closed the room but I remained standing by the door. The knocking came in just a few seconds.
"Jiyong-ah!!", I heard her pleading voice as she continues to knock.
"Are you on your right mind now?", I asked. We were practically having a conversation with the door separating us.
"I DEMAND FOR THE BARRICADE!", she yelled. HA! Demand your face. The barricade isn't happening. I was about to lie down on the bed when I heard my landline phone in the living room ringing. Uh-oh.
"Oh JIYONNGGG!!! If you don't open the door, I will answer the phhHHoooNNNEE!!", she said in a sing-song voice. Dammit! Since when did she get a backbone?
I opened the door and Dara-ahjumma was standing there smiling from ear to ear while showing me her mobile phone with my landline number on it. It turns out she's the one calling the landline phone! AISHT!!
I was about to slam the door on her face but she ran to the bed in the speed of light. The landline phone started ringing again. I was about to tell Dara to stop calling my landline but her cellphone was ringing as well.
"Yeoboseyo? Yah Minho! Yes, I already memorized your apartment's keycode...", she continued talking to the phone while I made my way to the living room. Hmmmm, Minho? If I remember correctly he's the guy living at her former apartment. Why is he giving his apartment's keycode to Dara? Aigoo, I have to talk to this ahjumma again. She might be being fooled by this Minho dude too.
I picked up my landline phone and answered it.
"Yeoboseyo?", I said. A couple of seconds have passed but the person on the other line is still not speaking. A prank call?
"Jiyong!!", I heard the girl's excited voice. What the....
I slammed the phone so hard I thought the receiver was about to break. DAMN! I thought she's on the States? When did she come back?! Great, another catastrophe waiting to happen...
I pulled the cord out of the landline phone. There is no doubt she'll try to call again. I went back to the bedroom and saw Dara by my desk with a pen and paper. I crossed my arms and leaned on the doorframe while looking at her. Something tells me I'm not going to like what she's about to say.
"Jiyong, since I'm really indebted to you, I will agree to remove the barricade ON ONE CONDITION!!!", she exclaimed as if we're fighting about who is going to rule a country. Jeeezzz!
"Write me a GD coupon saying that you will do anything that I say. That means when I claim the GD coupon, you have to do exactly what I demand you to do!", she continued. I sighed heavily while trying to control my temper. All this for a barricade????!!! If she becomes the Prime Minister of this country, there is no doubt South Korea's economy will plummet overnight.
"I will only sign that GD coupon if you add a condition that you will not claim it to make me accompany you in that Univ Ball or make me appear on public places or make me do things that will compromise my name.. In short, you should NOT make me do anything that I don't want to do.", I said. I can't help but smile at her disappointed expression. I already know that she plans to use it to make me accompany her to that Ball. I wonder how she came up with that coupon idea but with my added condition, it's actually as good as void. Knowing how slow Dara-ahjumma is, she did not realize it and actually agreed to my condition ha ha ha!
I signed the GD coupon and that shuts her up. Silence at last, hallelujah!
We were both lying on the bed while staring at the ceiling. Dara-ahjumma was so rigid. She doesn't even dare look at me. I switched my position and lied sideways so I'm now facing her. After a couple of minutes, my vision is getting blurry and I was already dozing off.
I don't know if I've slept for a couple of minutes or a couple of hours but when I opened my eyes, Dara is still wide awake while staring at the ceiling.
"Dara, I told you I won't do anything stupid so can you please stop worrying and sleep?", I said sleepily. My mind is still hazy.
"Errrmmm...To tell you the truth, the reason why I want the barricade is not because I'm worried that you might do something...", she said sheepishly. HUH?! Does that mean she's worried that SHE might do something? What the heck can she possibly do? She doesn't strike me as someone who'll take advantage of me. Perhaps she's an Ero-Dara while asleep? Eeehh??
"If you try to me, I'll scream.", I said. I'm not kidding, I really will.
"It's not that! Jeezz..It's just that I only sleep in one bed with my friend Bom and I got used to hugging her before I can sleep. It seems it became my habit when another person is sleeping with me.", she explained. Oh, so that's what she means.
"I guess I'll just sleep in the couch..", she muttered. She was preparing to get out of bed when I pulled her close to me and guided her head to rest on my chest. I then placed her arms around me.
"There, just think of me as a human pillow.", I said.
I was preparing to sleep again when I heard her chanting something. I listened carefully and it seems she's calling all the angels and saints in heaven??
Even the Justice League came out, aigoooo.....
Somewhere in the Seoul Metro, the girl is still continuously dialing a phone number. After a few more tries, she finally gave up and slams the receiver down.